Episode 1: Day 1 Part 1
A camera mounted on a drone flew serenely over idyllic Canadian wilderness. Moose were frolicking, hockey was played without care, maple syrup was consumed wildly, and more Canadians conformed to stereotypical behaviors than ever before. The sun-dappled woods seemed to beckon. And to most shows, this would be the opening of a new season. We are not that show.
Instead, in a location unknown to the world, a Jeff Probst-wannabe readied himself. Chris McLean, the host of Total Drama with the painstakingly sculpted hair of a man 10 years his junior, walked onto the beach. Behind him was something ominous...something familiar.
"Hi and welcome back to Total Drama! We know it's been a while since you've seen my perfect face on TV, but trust me, it'll be more than worth it!" Chris paused a second for dramatic effect before continuing, shit-eating grin on his face all the while.
"This time, we're not gonna have to worry about radioactive chemicals, despite them being a HUGE ratings boost! Instead, we'll pivot to a location you may know all too well. This season, we're revisiting Boney Island with a cast made up of all of your favorite contestants! Our cast are headed off to college after this summer, so that means we have one more year before they can join the union and we can no longer mistreat them. Shame, really." He shrugged. "I offered them internships but for some reason, they just laughed at me. We'll see who's laughing in a second though, when Chef throws them to the ground below!"
Perfectly on cue due to some TV magic, Chris looked skyward to see a plane droning its way into the screen.
A dilapidated C-47 Military transport plane, which looked like it hadn't seen action since its heyday in World War 2, struggled mightily to stay airborne. Smoke steamed from the left engine, causing the pilot to open the door a bit early to accommodate the passengers. After all, there couldn't be a show without these "lovable" teenagers, now could there?
Chris observed the chaos from the ground below with barely restrained glee. A catastrophic accident endangering teenagers? Priceless. "The first person to join me in safety is our highest-rated contestant ever in every major demographic! The charmingly evil Alejandro!"
Chef threw the handsome Spaniard out the door, before growing impatient and throwing the others out.
Chris was momentarily taken aback by the sudden disturbance before continuing on his spiel. "Following him, we have Zoey! Lightning! Leshawna! Brick! Dawn! Courtney! Noah! Harold! Geoff!.."
"You have Izzy!", a voice bellowed while burrowing up from the sand under Chris's feet.
"AHH where the fuck did she come from?!" Chris screamed while jumping back. "There's a plane up there! How did you get down here?!"
"Doesn't matter, IZZY finds a way! I guess I'm like nature huh? That's a Jurassic Park reference! Oooh, are there gonna be any dinosaurs this season? Izzy loves dinosaurs and-"
Chris cut her off with a quick hand over the mouth. "The faster you're gone, the faster I can sleep normally at night," he said, shuddering. "Anyways, we also have the most bitter of rivals, Gwen and Heather!"
The two fell through the air, arms crossed, ignoring each other, until they realized how fast they were falling and started flailing wildly.
Chris nodded happily at the drama. The ratings for that little interaction alone definitely meant a raise in the future. He continued speaking as two more planes entered view. "The next two planes are a bit special. In that one, we have Dakotazoid! She's fairly big, and her lawyers put it in her contract [goddamn lawyers, he groused], so she gets her own plane!
"Dakota is falling! Where Sam? WHERE SAM?" howled the augmented teenager. "I WANT SAM!" She jumped out and barely seemed fazed by the jump. Boney Island felt the impact however, as the beach the others were standing on shook briefly.
Chef gazed on, bothered by what he was seeing. "Chris man, you sure you want her back? She's a little too big for me to feed every day. I cain't handle her!
Chris thought about this for a second, before turning back to the camera with a wide smile. "Chef, bra, don't worry. Someone who owes me a favor in the Canadian military gave me these elephant tranquilizers," brandishing a dart the size of a bedpost and a dart gun even longer. "I'm sure they'll work just as well on a radioactive teenager!"
"You done yet?" Leshawna asked. "We've all been on before. You got your intro. Let's go with the first challenge already." The others nodded behind her. There really was no point for Chris to keep talking here other than his own self-interest.
"Ah, but weren't you even a tiny bit curious about who or what was in the second plane? Not even a little bit?" Chris wheedled.
"No, knowing you it's probably just your gold-plated bathroom scale and toilet seat," Gwen spat. Her complete dismissal of Chris earned her some hearty laughs, and the cast started to walk away, into the ominous forests of Boney Island.
"Ohhh trust me here, you don't want to walk away from this one. But, if you don't want to meet the other competitor, well that's fine. He's only the most dangerous reality show contestant EVAH!"
Zoey spoke up, "But you've said that before. We really don't trust you!.. Unless everyone else does. Nobody else does, right?"
"No, girl, you're fine," Leshawna said.
Again, Chris shrugged. "Fine, turn your back on him. In order to get some of the Olympics viewers, we got one of Canada's finest, an Olympic distance runner favored to win the gold medal in the next games. He's also an accomplished hunter and tracker, speaks 8 languages, negotiated a peace treaty between China and Hong Kong, has an IQ roughly equal to ~shudder~ Izzy's, and is an all-around nice guy. Also, if you thought 'Al' was handsome, you're just not ready for this guy."
Alejandro's eye twitched.
Chris had their attention now. Knowing how much of Total Drama is set outside, both the running and hunting experience already set this guy apart. Leshawna and Gwen looked uneasily at each other. Harold picked his nose contentedly. He knew nobody could mess with his mad skills, no matter what lies Chris told.
"Presenting our fiercest competitor yet, James!"
The second plane opened its door. A figure, silhouetted in the doorway by the sun, dove out in a classic swan dive.
"Chris, he don't have his parachute!" Chef screamed.
"WHAT? Who let him get off the plane without this limited edition Chris McLean® brand parachute?! This season's dead!" Chris yelled right back while brandishing an obviously unsafe parachute at the camera. The chute had a major hole punched through it in order to accommodate a picture of our smiling host, Chris McLean.
The contestants were hypnotized by the sight. They were going to see someone actually die on Total Drama, for the first time in eight seasons, right in front of them. Geoff was frantically trying to signal the jumper, while Harold and Courtney were looking to give him something to land on.
In the air James did not seem bothered at all. He knew he didn't have a chute, because there was no way in American healthcare that he was going to take one of those branded pieces of shit. Instead, he got a chance to make the most dramatic entry in TD history. He aimed for the sand, and mentally prayed for the best…
Just as he was about to smack the ground, James suddenly crouched in midair and punched down with his right arm, swinging his left arm behind his head. Naturally, this caused sand to blow everywhere, obscuring everyone's view of the "fiercest competitor ever." As they waited for the sand to settle, Chris wondered whether this would finally be the incident to get the show cancelled. Alejandro was relieved that his only real competition was gone. Dawn felt uneasy; it had something to do with a new aura, but she couldn't tell whose it was. Noah thought how glad he was that he'd been in the first plane. And Lightning...well, Lightning didn't think much at all unfortunately.
The sand finally settled, and crouching there, right where he had been, was James. Fully alive and apparently unharmed. Needless to say, everybody was shocked.
Confessional
Harold: So what if he just did a picture-perfect superhero landing. I could have done the same if given the chance, and if my sweet Leshawna was in danger.
Alejandro: (eyes narrowing) Looks like there might be a kernel of truth to all that Chris said. This hombre is all that stands between me and a small fortune, so it's best to tread lightly here. Let others make the mistakes.
Zoey: He coulda died! Why is nobody acknowledging that?! Is this normal to people?
Dakotazoid (struggling to fit into the outhouse): Little man lived. Might not live long. Is what it is.
James: It took everything I had to not start screaming immediately. Think I made an impression?
James stood up. He was slightly taller than Alejandro, but not by much, and still looked like a child next to Dakotazoid. His hair was a light chestnut brown, worn long enough to look trendy while not long enough to make you think he didn't know what hygiene was. He wore a gray long-sleeve shirt with the words "Team Canada" written in red on the chest, and with the Canadian flag on the back, as well as a pair of black shorts. He looked muscular, which made Chris secretly feel insecure, not that he'd ever admit that. His running shoes looked well-trod but were still an upgrade over the sandals and flip-flops that many of the others were wearing. Brushing the sand off his hands, he looked up and smiled at the people he was preparing to spend a summer with.
"Hi! I'm James and I can't wait to get to know you all."
He started walking towards the slightly awestruck campers.
"Alejandro! Amigo! From what I've seen you're the one I need to look out for. Maybe we can become friends after the competition is over."
Confessional
Alejandro: No. Reminds me too much of Jose. I'll play his game and see what happens, though.
James continued down the beach, trying to make small talk with each contestant he met.
"Lightning, my man, if you ever need a training partner hit me up...Geoff, we have to party after this is over...Gwen, that black really brings out your eyes...Courtney, I hope I'm on your team because I need a good leader...Dakota...zoid? Dakota? Either way, I saw your reality show last week and loved it…H-H-Heather?"
It was subtle, but a few of the teens noticed it. James suddenly got nervous when he saw Heather. However he was saved from further social embarrassment when he saw who was standing behind her.
"Is that...Izzy? Oh my god. IZZY!"
Hearing her name distracted Izzy, who had been busy trying to figure out how to tunnel back home. When she turned she was immediately locked in a bearhug by James. Izzy, although surprised, hugged James right back.
"If he knows the psycho hose beast, that can't be a good sign," Noah snarked.
Izzy stepped back. "No guys, it's ok, we've been friends since we were four! We lived in the same province, we went to the same school, we've been great friends for ages!"
"I didn't know you were on this season! This is great. I haven't seen you in so long, what with training and you being on the show and all that, but this is incredible!"
Chris decided to step in and break up the heartfelt reunion. Niceness doesn't pay the bills on reality TV. "As I said, James is an Olympic runner. That means he will be faster than you all here. Even you, Lightning. Because we have to give the pretense of being fair [again, goddamn lawyers], James will have to stay back for at least a minute in every challenge that involves running. Other than that, nothing special. You all know the rules, now who wants to hear the first challenge? You'll have to wait to hear it after a short break!"
During Chris's monologue and commercial transition, Dawn sidled over to Zoey. From Revenge of the Island, she remembered that Zoey was a nice person. She wasn't as sure about some of the others, but she had something she needed to get out.
"Zoey, I need to talk to you."
"Oh, what's up Dawn? What about the new guy? That landing, wow!"
"He's exactly what I wanted to talk about, actually. I can see people's auras and there's something I don't like about his. It seems gilded. Beautiful on the outside but rotten on the inside. Something is wrong about him. Be CAREFUL."
Zoey was perplexed. "I thought he seemed nice. I trust you though. I'm not getting kicked off by another jock." She made sure the others weren't listening, before asking a question that she'd been rattling around for a while. "Dawn, if we can, we need to make an alliance early to prevent anything bad. I can get Gwen to join, and maybe Courtney and Leshawna too. Would you want in?"
Dawn considered the proposition for a moment. "Why not Izzy or Dakota? They seem nice too."
"Izzy's, well, Izzy, and Dakota is strong enough she can handle herself. No matter what the teams turn out to be, we need to have a good group going in. Please, join us!"
Dawn flushed. She was more used to people dismissing her and calling her beliefs bullshit, so this was all a new feeling. "I'll join, but you need to take me seriously. I can help you guys, just maybe cover for me a bit in the physical challenges please?"
"Yay! It's a deal." The two shook hands solemnly, before giggling at the absurdity of the gesture.
Two people heard the conversation nearby. They were the two people the fledgling alliance were most suspicious of.
Confessional
James (nervously): I don't know how she can see that. Hopefully whatever her gift is doesn't let her see specifics. I, uh, don't want to revisit those...memories.
Heather (trying to hold it together): I don't need them. I don't need anybody. I-I-I… (she breaks down crying)
They were still killing some time, waiting for Chris to return from his "commercial break" when an idea struck Courtney. "Chris, what's the name of the season? You still haven't told us. Also, I thought you said there was gonna be a challenge. "
Chris sideyed the CIT before counting down, "and we're back in three...two...one...Welcome back to Boney Island! Before the break we met our cast, now it's time for the insane danger to start!" Chris turned to face the campers. "The first challenge is pretty simple. You're going to sprint from the beach here to the forest over there and look for buried wooden heads of yourselves. On the bottom of your wooden head is a partial map to the cabins. Follow the map to the cabins, and the first seven to get there get their pick.
Oh, and watch out for the hidden surprises along the way. Turns out in our brief hiatus from the show the Canadian military used the island for training. There's buried ordinance all over the island, so be careful or you will be going home-permanently!"
With the comedic timing gifted only to smarmy reality show hosts, a mutated squirrel hopped briefly into view, before triggering a landmine and disappearing in a puff.
Dawn cried out and tried to rush to the squirrel's side, but was held back by Zoey. "No use. Wait for the rest of us so we can all try to clear a path through."
Chris heard the strategy talk and grinned. "Not bad, kid. Using a more disposable ally as a meat shield-LOVE IT! Anyways, as I said earlier, this is a running challenge, so James will be starting a full three minutes after you. Campers! On your mark, get set, goooooooooo!" He pulled a pocket air horn out and blew it right in Brick's ear, causing the cadet to have a bit of an accident.
Confessional
Brick: I thought I'd gotten over it, but I guess not. (blushing) They can edit that out right? Right?
Chris: Yes, yes we can. We won't, but we certainly can.
The incontinent cadet placed his hands over the stain, inadvertently drawing more attention to it than he wanted. Laughter rang out as all but four campers started sprinting towards the forest. In a twist, Heather was the first of the four remaining who moved to console Brick. "Don't worry, Brick is it?, Chris lives for that reaction and-"
Gwen cut her off. "Brick, don't listen to that bitch. Not worth your time, trust me."
Brick thought about it for a moment, removing a hand from his junk to salute Gwen for the heads-up. "Ma'am, after careful viewing of previous seasons, I have to agree with you. Disengaging from the queen bee."
Heather accepted the rebuke sadly, and went forward to join the others who were long gone by now. Gwen watched her go with disgust and turned back towards Brick. "Brick, you don't know her that well, but I do. She's gonna try to reach out to you a lot to form an alliance because you're one of the only people here who she hasn't hurt in the past. Plus, after her break-up with Alejandro (guess even he had his limits, huh?) she's desperate. Don't do it."
"Gwen, you sounded just like my drill sergeant there. I think you're a capable field leader, and I intend to follow you if you so order."
Gwen frowned, as the onus of command had never been on her before. She had jostled for it. She had to endure a team with both Heather AND Courtney constantly competing to be taken seriously. But this? This was new. This was something she could potentially take advantage of.
"Hey, can you tell where mines could be? I bet you did something like that during training. Zoey already told me she's trying to form an alliance; if you helped us out here, we could cover for you too."
He nodded. Identifying minefields was something they did in their first week at the academy, and becoming allies with two of the most powerful competitors (two finalists even!) was simply too good to pass up.
"I can. I think I saw Zoey and Dawn run over there", pointing towards the northeast. "If we start now, we can catch em and have those heads by sundown."
Gwen smiled. "Soldier, I order you to lead me to them."
"Yes, ma'am!"
Chris stared at his ostentatious watch. He tried to make the case to James that he too was an athlete, but James pointed out that he had only played one in a movie, and even then he didn't play badminton that well. Chris wasn't thrilled and made James wait another minute. After three awkwardly silent minutes had passed, he allowed James to start his pursuit of the others.
The host found himself alone on the beach. He turned to the camera and flashed the smile that had made him famous in the first place as he wrapped the first episode. "How will our newest and fiercest competitor fare? How will Alejandro compare to that same competitor? What is Dawn seeing? And where is that intern with my damn water? I'm really thirsty! The answers to all of these questions and more on the next episode of
TOTAL DRAMA SEND-OFF!
Seriously, where's that intern?"