AN: Ahdsdadl;s fsaf I kinda "accidentally" ended up bawling my eyes out with this one, oops...

Seriously, why don't I write Zane more, he's actually really fun, plus he has almost as much trauma as our green bean so yayyy angst and appropriate reactions for this poor nindriod

anyways some ice chapter angst, trigger warning for ptsd flashbacks (which i really hope i did justice btw, we have been learning about mental illnesses including ptsd in health class so i hope my knowledge is adequate)

There are some things that never go away.

For Zane, it was the cold. The long decades in the Never Realm had set a deep chill in his circuitry, numbing his toes, stiffening his fingers.

None of it made sense. Zane was a nindroid. He shouldn't be able to feel things like that. But he also shouldn't have been influenced by the staff. He shouldn't have had his systems overrun so easily. He shouldn't have fallen for Vex and his acts. And yet, here he was.

After arriving back home, Zane had tried everything he could to loosen the paralyzing grip of the cold, of those memories, of all the pain he had caused. But no number of blankets, no amount of hot tea, no temperature on the thermostat could ever thaw the insatiable freeze that had crept across his skin, encasing him, closing him off from his heart, his memories, from everything that mattered-

Zane squeezed his eyes shut, his breath catching in his throat as visions filled his eyes, of a land of endless snow and ice. Rows and rows of people, poor, innocent people, encased in ice, by his hand, the presence of a figure, ever-presently hovering behind him, whispering icily into his ear, the desperate cries of Lloyd as he begged him to remember-

Zane jerked his eyes open. That was the worst part of it. There was no escape. The things he had done- they were permanently engraved in him. They could never go away.

Just like the cold.

Zane balled his fists, pressing them against his eyes. Flashes of deep, endless white, a stark contrast to the spattering of red, dripping down his hands, not from him, but from his victims, from the formlings, the villagers, even his own family-

The fresh, frigid scent of water, of ice and snow and loneliness filled his nose, burning his mouth and throat even with its tastelessness, the biting cold of the winds numbing his skin-

Zane choked back a sob, pressing his fists tighter so that his eyes ached, spots dancing in his vision, blending with the shadows creeping around him. This couldn't be happening now, the others were sleeping; he didn't want to wake them. But it took so much effort not to scream at the top of his lungs, to instead just hug his knees to his chest, shaking so violently that the soft rattling of metal filled the room.

Help me, help me, help, someone, please, I'm going to die-

And then someone was there, slowly creeping up beside him, and oh gosh, it was Vex; he had come back to turn him evil again, and Zane felt nothing but blinding terror.

He shrieked, tumbling off of his bed and willing his hands to obey him, why weren't his powers responding, every time he tried to use them all he could think of was how many people he had hurt with them-

Ice shot out of his hands, unbidden, and Zane bit down hard on his lip. He couldn't control it- the usual slow, calculated precision he had grown used to was gone- but all he knew was that he had to stop him, he couldn't let that monster get any closer-

A burst of red flared in his vision, and for a moment, Zane thought he was hallucinating, and then the figure screamed.

"Zane! Zane, stop, it's me! It's Kai!"

Terror seized his heart, and Zane tried desperately to yank back, but his powers weren't listening, he couldn't control them-

Not another one, he begged, feeling tears form in his eyes, turning solid and glassy as they dripped down his cheeks. I can't hurt anyone else.

Zane's powers gave out abruptly, and he fell to the ground, gasping and shaking violently.

Kai was staring at him with wide, scared eyes- scared, he had made his own family afraid of him- breathing heavily. His hands were outstretched, the flames he had used to defend himself puttering and dying. A puddle on the floor stretched between them, all that they had left from the brief struggle of fire and ice- yet Zane could see Kai hadn't been entirely successful in fending off his attack. The glimmering sheen of frost glinted across his wrists, and even as Kai laid his fingers across them, heat flaring as he slowly melted the freeze away, Zane still caught sight of the raw, red, frostburnt skin before Kai hastily tugged his sleeves down, covering it.

How could he have mistaken Kai for Vex? Kai was nothing like the vengeful ice samurai, and Zane hadn't even thought before almost freezing him. These flashbacks were getting out of hand, they were beyond the point of just scary now; he had almost hurt someone very important to him. How could he stay here with them, living with them, eating with them, sleeping with them, when he could lash out at any time? How could he live with himself, knowing the treachery of his own hands?

He was a liability, he shouldn't be here.

"Zane. Zane, it's okay." He looked up to see Kai crouched next to him, concern etched on his face, and a hand outstretched that stopped just short of touching him. "I'm okay. You're okay. You're safe, now."

"No, I'm not- you're not-"

"You're safe." Kai insisted. "I'm here. No one's going to hurt you."

"But I-" Zane paused, bringing a hand to his lip. "You- I almost hurt-"

"You didn't know, bud. It's my fault for coming up behind you like that."

Zane shook his head. "It wouldn't have mattered. Any way you came from, I would've- I saw-"

Kai's gaze softened. "Are you… are you okay now? Are you still seeing…"

Zane shuddered- he still glimpsed brief flashes in his peripheral vision, the faint ring of screams echoing in his ears- but the worst of it was over. "I'm fine."

"Dude, you are not fine. It's okay that you're not, but you need to talk to someone, not just hide."

"You don't understand." Zane looked down. "You don't see what I see."

"No," Kai whispered. "I don't."

Zane was shaking again. "My eyes- I can't trust my own eyes. I hear things that aren't there, and I'm so afraid of what I'm going to do-"

Kai was quiet for a moment, and Zane waited. He knew what he was going to say- Zane had been through similar conversations with Cole, Jay, and Nya. Every time, it was the same thing. "It's not your fault, Zane." "You couldn't control it." "It's only because of the staff." "Vex is to blame."

Zane knew those things already. He didn't need anyone to tell him. But knowing that it wasn't his fault didn't take away the fact he had done it. It didn't make the screams fade, the flashes of blood vanish, didn't take away the fear that it could happen again.

But Kai didn't say any of those things. Instead, he reached down, pulling back the sleeve of his gi and removing a bracelet from his wrist. It was nothing extraordinary, just a piece of twine strung with small gray and green beads. Holding it out, he paused in front of Zane. "Is it… is it okay if I touch you?"

Zane hesitated before nodding stiffly. He held his breath as Kai reached for him, but the Fire Ninja's touch was firm, warm, and gentle. Kai put the bracelet on his wrist.

"This… this may help. With feeling out of control, I mean. You're right, I don't know what you're feeling, I don't know what it's like to have flashbacks like that… but I do know what it feels like to not be in control of your own body. It's you doing those things, it looks like you, it feels like you, they tell you it's not you but it was you-" Kai stopped, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. "Me and Lloyd made these. After we got him back from Morro. He still felt glimpses of Morro in his head, sometimes, and I was still feeling flashes of anger and jealously from Chen's staff, they came out of nowhere and I didn't know how to deal with them. So we made these bracelets, as a distraction, a fidget, to remind us we were still in control. Every time I twist one of these beads, it's my fingers doing that, the Kai who loves his family and friends and would do anything to protect them, not the Kai that attacked Lloyd and Skylor back at the tournament. It's not a cure-all, but both Lloyd and I felt like things got better after that. Maybe it can help you, too."

Zane gently brushed his fingers over the beads. It seemed silly that a little homemade bracelet could do all that, but as he let himself twist the beads- first a gray one, then a green, then another gray- some of the feeling returned to his fingers. Looking up at Kai, he said, "Thank you. But I can't take this from you."

Kai shook his head. "Don't worry about it. I can make another one. It's yours."

Zane looked back down at the bracelet, twisting it. Back and forth. Back and forth. He was in control; he was doing this. The screams quieted. Zane blinked. He took a shuddering breath.

It had passed. For now.

"It will get better, Zane." Kai seemed to know exactly what he was thinking, although Zane was sure he hadn't spoken out loud- or, at least, he was mostly sure, he still didn't feel completely grounded in his own mind. "It will take time, but… eventually you'll learn to control it."

Control it, not surpass it. Zane eyed him. "You still feel it, sometimes?"

Kai's eyes flashed. "This isn't about me."

"I just want to know."

Kai frowned. "Let's just say I wear the bracelet for a reason."

"Are you sure-"

Kai waved him off. "I told you, I'll make another one. You need it more, right now. The bracelet's just a precaution, for me. That was years ago. I've learned to anchor myself in other ways now. The memories have faded somewhat. Like I said," his eyes met Zane's with a blazing intensity that made him want to look away, "It will get better. It takes time, it takes patience, but it will. I promise."

Zane exhaled. "How can you promise something like that? It feels impossible, right now."

"I know, buddy. But I've gotten through it. Lloyd's mostly recovered now, too, and so will you."

Zane looked down, and Kai put a hand on his shoulder. "You trust me, right?"
"Of course."

"Then believe me. I promise."

Zane shivered, and Kai leaned forward, wrapping him into an embrace. Heat flooded along his arms, warming the cold titanium of Zane's skin. Zane almost gasped from the relief, the heat unfurling down to his fingers and toes, and for the first time since Zane had been banished to the Never Realm, all those years ago, the never-ending chill faded.

Kai moved an arm from Zane's back and along his forearm, pointing to the bracelet. "I promise. Remember my promise when you see that, okay?"

"Okay," Zane breathed, and he believed it.