J—
The second I open the front door, Mashiho disappears into his bedroom, leaving me alone with Lisa. So much for having my son around to keep my thoughts pure. I look at her, and It hits me. Lisa Manoban is in my house. In my living room!
She seems to fill every ounce of empty space. I'm nervous and excited and completely unsure of myself. It's like having a boy in my bedroom for the first time all over again. I don't know what to do or how to act. Shit, I can't think of Lisa and bedroom in the same thought.
I don't want her to think I'm interested, even though right now interested doesn't even scratch the surface of what I am. After the stress of the accident and surprise of Lisa showing up to help out, I'd love for her to pin me against a wall and fuck me senseless.
Of course that won't happen. It can't happen with Mashiho in the next room. Which makes me want it even more. Lisa is forbidden fruit on so many levels.
Embarrassed by my thoughts, I shake it off. Where are these longings and desires coming from? I've never been this type of girl. Never lusted after anyone. Never fantasized about having sex with anyone while I pleasured myself. At least not anyone that isn't my husband.
Wasn't my husband.
Guilt surrounds my heat like bumpers around a baby in a crib. How can I want, yearn for these things to happen here? In the house I shared with Han?
Hanbin.
We'd sit and cuddle in here, in this very room, as a family while watching television. If Han and I were lucky enough to find ourselves alone in it, we'd end up naked, with me bent over the arm of the couch. But being with Han in that way isn't an option anymore. It won't be an option ever again.
I shouldn't feel so conflicted about moving on. It's what I'm supposed to do, isn't it? That's what everyone has been telling me for the last year. It's time to get back on that horse. As if.
Maybe if Lisa was just an average girl and not the hottest woman in a fifty mile radius I'd feel better about the situation, and the sexual longings I have for her. I'd be confident. Secure.
But she's not just an average girl. That's part of the attraction. She's young and hot. And insanely sexy. Sex drips off her, like water off your hair in a rain storm. Her actions don't help matters any. The smile she flashes at me, the one that invites me to explore her mouth. The way she rubs her thumb on her bottom lip when she's thinking.
Standing here with her, I feel a tingling crawl up my legs and settle into my lower half. An awakening of sorts. I feel guilty for thinking of using this woman to fulfill my sexual desires when she just did a kind deed for me. But I can't help wanting her in that way.
I know I'm objectifying her like a construction worker judging a beauty pageant. But part of me really doesn't care because after not having these thoughts and feelings for so long, it feels good, I feel alive and I want to keep having them. God, I'm pathetic. I'm worse than a horny old man.
Yikes. I am worse. I'm a horny old spinster!
I want to show her my appreciation for her kindness, do something nice just for her. I don't think a lap dance would qualify. Besides, I'd probably bore her. No, it has to be something that says thank you, but isn't too over the top. I'm not sure what though. Dinner? Bake her some cookies? Sure, just like a homely old woman.
My mind is buzzing and I can't think straight. Maybe I could if these darn butterflies would go hibernate and stop fluttering like mad in my stomach. Although if they stop, the birds might fly south for the winter, and with anymore feeling down there I won't be responsible for my actions.
"Thank you," I say, breaking the silence between us. "For everything."
"No worries. I'm glad I could help." She smiles, but it doesn't reach her eyes.
Something's off and I'm not sure what it is or where it came from. It wasn't here a few minutes earlier. This might be her way of keeping me at an arm's length. At letting me know she isn't interested in me in the lustful-I'm-barely-keeping-my-hands-off-you way I'm interested in her.
Oh, no! What if she can read my thoughts? What if she knows I'm thinking about her in that way? That since Mashiho left us alone I can't stop wondering how she looks with her clothes off. How her naked body feels pressed up against mine. Skin to skin. Rubbing. Touching. Caressing.
"You know, you don't have to stay." I give her an out. She's already gone above and beyond what anyone else would've done for me. I don't want her to feel obligated to babysit me, too.
Her green eyes narrow and singe a hole in my heart. A tiny hole with her name written all over it. A whole a piece of her crawls in and fills.
"Trying to get rid of me?"
"No." I shake my head. "Not at all. I just—"
"Shh." She holds her pointer finger up and steps forward. Close. Inches away. She's so close, I feel her energy mesh with mine like entwined fingers. I expect her to touch my lips. I plan for it. Plan to take her finger in my mouth and give her a taste of what my lips and tongue can do.
I'm shaking. Trembling. My heart races. I feel Lisa's warmth and strength as she reaches her hands under my hair and holds the back of my neck. My head tilts up slightly. I wonder, if she'll kiss me. My lips part. Please kiss me.
Her touch feels so good. Electric. Energized. Completely right.
My breaths deepen in anticipation of what's coming next. I imagine her, will her, to lean in and meet my lips with hers, but she's given no indication that she wants to kiss me. Except for the fact that she's so close, and hasn't taken her eyes off me.
She spends a few long moments looking over the right side of my head and face, then turns her attention to the left.
"Does your head hurt?"
"No," the word is barely audible.
"Your neck?"
I shake my head.
"You sure you're okay?" Her eyes pierce mine, they're intense and beautiful, and I just want to stand here and stare into them. Maybe forever.
"I'm fine. Really."
She lets go of my head, and takes my hands into each of hers. She lifts and studies them in the same way.
"You're not shaking anymore."
Maybe on the outside. On the inside every nerve vibrates from her touch.
"The shock wore off."
"Good." She says, her voice warm and velvety. I think my spine turned to rubber.
And then nothing.
For a few long beats, she doesn't move. Doesn't say anything. She just stares into my eyes. The weight of the moment builds. It's heavy. Palpable. I can't breathe.
"You know, you still haven't told me your name."
"I haven't?"
She shakes her head. "I could call you Mrs. Kim if that's the way you want to play it." She smirks and raises her eyebrows playfully. "Or I could look at Mashiho's participation form, but I want you to tell me. I want to hear it from your luscious lips."
I'm wet.
Dampness rushes to the area between my legs hearing those words come out of her mouth. Like dry kindling, the air around us cracks and sizzles with every look. Every touch.
I clear my throat, but my voice is still heavy. "Jennie."
"A beautiful name for a beautiful woman." She holds my head again, and rubs her thumbs back and forth across my cheeks. The touch is gentle. Intimate. A completely inappropriate way for my son's coach to be touching me.
She breathes hard. Her eyes smolder. I stare at her full, pouty lips. The idea of her kissing me seems like it might actually happen. While I want her to because I long to be touched and desired, especially by her, I'm torn. I haven't kissed anyone but Han in almost two decades. That makes me feel old.
Very old.
Being attracted to this young woman and wanting her to want me in return, feels wrong. Shame and guilt swell inside me.
I dart my eyes away, breaking the connection. This way I can hide any doubts or negativity she might find there. Keeping my eyes off her also helps me stay strong so I don't throw myself against her chest, wind my fingers through her hair and pull her head down to meet my lips. I can't, do that, no matter how much I want to, because I'm enjoying this connection with her too much to risk doing anything that might sever it.
Her face inches in, just a bit closer. I meet her half way. That I can do, but she has to initiate it. I inhale and stay focused on her eyes, and not the warmth of her breath bushing against my lips.
Centimeters separate us. I stand perfectly still. I don't move. I don't close the distance any further because I'm afraid. I want to kiss her more than anything at this moment, but the thought terrifies me.
Turns out, I don't have to worry about it. Lisa lets go of me, drops her eyes, and reaches for her phone. The moment is gone, and I'm crushed. Overwrought with disappointment. Because I doubt either of us will allow things to get so heated again. It would be Irresponsible. Dangerous.
"C'mon," she motions her head toward the door. "Your chariot has arrived."
"My chariot?"
She raises her eyebrows and starts toward the door.
I take a few deep breaths as I follow her. I think I'll be playing with my toy again later tonight. So much for forgetting about it. Looks like I might become dependent on it instead.
Lisa stops suddenly and turns back to face me. I don't realize she's no longer moving, and bump right into a wall of warmth and thick, solid muscle. Her hands grasp and hold my upper arms as she steadies me and searches my eyes once more.
"I want to kiss you, Jennie. You need to know that. But I won't. And it's taking every ounce of self-control not to bend down and taste your sweet lips right now."
"Why? I mean why not? I mean . . ."
She holds my chin between her thumb and forefinger, tilting my head up so that I'll look at her. "Because," she cuts me off. "I'm afraid. I'm afraid you're not ready, and if I move too fast, you'll shut down and push me away."
"Why does it matter?"
"Because it does. Now don't look so disappointed. Just know that when the time is right, I'm going to kiss you long and hard while I hold you pressed up against me. And when I do, I'll work my hardest to make sure you're not thinking about anything but that kiss. Our first kiss. And I have no intention of it being our last kiss."
I nod.
"And one more thing, Jennie. It's going to be the best kiss of your life."