J—

I change into an old pair of sweatpants, a warm fuzzy pajama shirt and sweep my hair up in a ponytail. I want to wallow in self-pity and be comfortable doing it. I fill a bowl with three large scoops of ice cream. I can't remember the last time I drowned my sorrow in comfort food.

When Han died, I stopped eating. I lost twenty pounds in the first two months. It wasn't even the good kind of weight loss where you look fit and healthy. I looked sick. Drawn. Emaciated.

I kept ten pounds off, but my color has returned and I'm happy with how I look. I don't know if I'll be able to say that after I finish off this bowl of ice-cream.

The ringing of the doorbell mid-spoon takes me by surprise. It can't be Mashiho, it's too soon, and he didn't text to tell me they're on their way back. I look through the peephole to see who it is.

Shit. It's Lisa. I slide my back down the front door until I'm sitting on the floor. What the hell is she doing here? Probably came to tell me we can't see each other anymore because she has a new girlfriend.

Great and she gets to tell me while I look like a ragged old hag. I wish I didn't change out of my clothes. At least then I'd have a thread of dignity while she puts my heart through the ringer. I could just ignore her and pretend I'm not home. It's not like I was expecting her. Or like she bothered to call or send me a message.

My phone rings. I don't have to look, I know it's her. Sure, now she calls. It's not like I wasn't expecting this to happen at some point. I just wasn't expecting it to happen today. Not on Valentine's Day.

Time to put on my big girl panties and woman up. I stand, take a deep breath while I gather myself together and open the door.

Face to face with the woman who is about to smash my heart into tiny pieces, I do my best to play it cool. I struggle to keep my emotions buried under the same mask I wore after my husband died.

Lisa stares me up and down, with an amused look on her face.

"May I come in?"

I nod and step out of the way, opening the door for her to pass. She leans in and gives me a quick kiss on the lips. I don't reciprocate.

"New look?" she teases, but I'm not in the mood for laughs or games.

I shrug and turn away from her. "Just say what you came here to say."

"Jennie." She grabs my arm and turns me around to face her. That wiped the smile off her face. Her brows furrow. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," I pull out of her grasp.

"What the hell?" Her tone is serious. "Tell me what's wrong?"

"Nothing," I say with as much defiance as I can muster up. "Nothing at all."

"Bullshit. Are you upset because Mashiho's out with a girl?"

I can't contain my frustration any more. I shake my head and look away, because looking at her weakens my resolve. And right now I need strength. Might as well get straight to the heart of the matter.

"No. I'm upset because you were out with a girl. Woman. Whatever. The point is, I just wish you would've been honest and told me."

Lisa looks confused. "Do you mean Tzuyu? We're just friends. We were both at the dance and she was feeling bummed because her boyfriend broke up with her last weekend."

"Look, I get why you'd want to be with her. She's young and gorgeous—"

"Yes. But not as gorgeous as you."

"Don't try to sugar coat it."

"Fine." Her arms slip around my waist. "I won't sugar coat it. There's nothing going on with Tzuyu because she's not you."

My body tenses, my hands grasp her forearms as I tell myself to push her away. As much as I want to, I can't bring myself to do it.

"Exactly. You can have something real with her. Something long term."

"That's not what I'm looking for."

"Maybe it should be."

"I can't believe Mashiho actually called to tell you I was out with another woman. Do you think he knows?"

"No. I think he was excited to see everyone, even you were at Burger Buster. He sent me a picture." I break her hold on me and get my phone to pull up the heart wrenching image. Lisa takes it from my hand and looks at the picture.

"I'm sorry, Jennie. I had no idea he took this. I didn't know Mashiho wasn't coming straight home or else I would've been here sooner. The only reason I didn't come straight from the dance is because I thought it would be weird if I rushed over when I have no good reason to be here other than I want to spend time with you."

"You don't have to explain your actions."

"I do. As soon as I saw him at the diner, I wrapped things up with Tzuyu. And I know how I'd feel if I saw a picture of you and a man like that. I'd have to go find you and kick his ass."

"It's fine, Lisa." I lie.

"It's not fine. You're upset, and you have every right to be." She lets out a long breath. "I think we should come clean with Mashiho."

"No." I don't take a second to think about it.

"If we tell him, then I have every reason to come over and spend time with you, any time I want. We won't have to look for excuses and sneak around. And it will avoid misunderstandings like tonight."

"I said no!" I want her to drop the subject.

"Why the hell not?"

"Because he was close to his father. He idolized him."

"I understand, but Han's not coming back."

"I know that!" My eyes sting and my voice betrays my weakness as I fight to hold the tears back.

"Maybe it's time Mashiho realizes it too."

"It's just not a good time. Bedsides, how do you think he'll feel about his mother messing around with his coach?"

"Messing around?" There's a harshness to her voice I'm not used to. Her eyes are narrow. Angry. She's almost yelling at me. "Is that what we're doing?"

"Isn't it?" I snap. "It's not like there can be anything serious between us."

"Does this feel like we're just messing around? Because it doesn't to me. Not once since we started spending time together did I think we were just messing around." She reaches a hand behind my head and grasps a handful of hair, so that I look at her. "Why can't there be anything serious between us?"

"You just said yourself you're not looking for long term."

"That's not what I said."

"Yes it is. Besides, look at you!" I try to pull away, break free from her touch, but she won't let me. "What are you twenty-three?"

"I'm twenty-seven. And I don't understand why you always go back to my age. What the hell does it have to do with anything?"

I close my eyes and take a breath. I need to slow down my racing heart and stop my hands, my entire body, from shaking.

"What kind of real relationship could we have?" I ask, deflated. "I'm thirty-eight. That's ten years older than you. Hell, I could be your sister or your mom!"

Lisa's strong, solid hands cup my face as she inches closer. "Jen, the only one that gives a fuck about the age difference is you."

I shake my head. "I'm not the only one. I won't be if people find out. And you should give a fuck."

"Why?"

"Because I have nothing to offer you. I'm at a different place in my life. I'm a widow with a teenage son. I'm done having kids."

"So?"

"Lisa, you should be with someone that has more in common with you. Someone closer to your age."

Her thumbs brush across my cheeks. "Just because a woman might be younger, it doesn't mean we have more in common. I understand you. I relate to you in a way I don't with twenty something year old women. Women," she scoffs. "They're just girls. Insecure head cases that are full of drama and concerned with what I can do for them. The somewhat mature ones either want to have kids like yesterday, or they're super-focused on their career."

"There's nothing wrong with working on your career." Does she realize I'm focused on getting mine off the ground?

"No. There isn't, but I want more. I want someone who has time for me too. Someone I can talk to, that I share my day with, who wants to share their day with me, not just yes me through dinner while she reads email off her phone. Younger women, they don't get how fleeting life can be. They don't understand what's really important, or how to make the most of each and every day. You do."

"Maybe you just haven't found the right girl yet."

"Maybe I have and she's an older woman."

"Don't say that."

"Why not? It's the truth. I feel more for you than I have for anyone in years. I wake up each day looking for an excuse to come over here so I can see you. Jennie I love you."

Silence hangs heavy between us.

Did she just say she loves me?

I must not have heard right. My heart pounds so fast and hard, you'd think I snorted a pound of coke. She messes with my head in that way too. Makes me dizzy and out of control.

Maybe I imagined those words. Or hallucinated. Drugs make you do that, don't they?

She's quiet. Worry shines through her eyes. She actually looks nervous. Scared even. She's silent, and I haven't said anything. Oh shit. She did say it. Her words sink in.

I love you.

I thought it was a one way road. I thought maybe I was part of an older woman fantasy she wanted to tick off her bucket list. Maybe I'd go so far as to say we are friends with benefits. I had no idea as I fought to stop myself from tumbling, she was falling along with me. Side by side we journeyed together until we landed somewhere both safe and scary.

In each other's heart.

I don't know who moves first; but I'm in Lisa's arms, I hold on tight to her shoulders, digging my fingertips into the muscles beneath them. She crushes me against her chest. Her mouth crashes down on mine, teeth graze over my bottom lip. Her tongue works its way into my mouth.

I pull Lisa closer. It's not close enough. I won't be satisfied until I feel her inside me. As if she knows what's on my mind, knows what I'm looking for, Lisa presses her hips into mine.

"I love you," she whispers, in between the flurry of kisses she peppers down my neck. "I love you and I don't want to hear anymore age bullshit. Understand?"

"Yes," I answer, breathless. "Oh, God, Lisa," I moan. "I love you too!"

I didn't think it was possible. I thought my days of love and passion were behind me, but somehow she pushed and forced her way into my heart. I love her, and that's why thinking of her with another woman hurts so much because I found something I never expected. Love.

She reaches under my shirt and splays her hand flat on my stomach. Her warm skin scorches as she slides her hand up to just beneath the band of my bra. I arch my back, wanting to feel her touch against my bare breast, instead, she changes direction and inches her hand downward.

Without hesitation, her fingers slip under the elastic waistband of my sweatpants. I pull her shirt out of her pants, reach under it and run my hands along the solid muscles of her stomach and chest. I close my eyes and moan as her hand slips between my thighs and cups my mound. She rubs her hand back and forth over my panties.

"Hot and wet. Just the way I like you." She uses her tongue to caress the spot between my neck and my shoulder.

I fumble with her belt buckle and the button of her pants. I need to get my hands under control.

"I'm always hot and wet for you," I say, letting her pants fall and reach for her rock hard cock.

I take my time, pulling Lisa's boxers down her legs as slow as I can. Once they're around her ankles, along with her pants, the Adonis in front of me kicks them off to the side.

I stand back up to my full height and wrap my hand around her cock. I stroke up and down while using my free hand to unbutton her shirt.

"Tease," Lisa says grabbing a hand full of hair and tugging gently. "It's been too long since I've been inside you. I don't know how much longer I can wait."

I take her hand, and lead Lisa to the couch. When I have her where I want her, I push her chest, push her down to a sitting position. Lisa looks up at me, her eyes filled with lust, and something else. Something I can't put my finger on.

She pulls me close, and kisses my lower abdomen while getting rid of my pants and underwear. Her lips and tongue caress my hip, and move across to the top of my thigh. Her mouth is warm and sends shivers up my spine. I want to feel her mouth, her tongue between my legs, but right now, I need more.

I push her back again and straddle her lap. I reach down with one hand and guide her cock inside my pussy. I keep my eyes locked on hers as I slide down on her length. I reposition my legs so that my feet are flat on either side of her. Holding on to the back of the couch, I pull myself up and squat down on her again so that she's deep inside me. This is the deepest she's been.

Lisa lifts my shirt up and pulls down each bra cup so that my breasts bounce on full display as I ride her. After taking her time to fondle and stuck on each breast, her hands move to my hips. Faster and faster she guides me up and down.

Her heavy lidded eyes make her look as if she's in a trance. Whatever spell she's under is effecting me as well. Her breathing changes, and I know she's close. I am too. Lisa grunts as she lifts me to the point where she's almost out of me and slams me back down while thrusting her hips upward.

I feel my pussy pulse and clench around her. I whimper her name through labored breath, with no control of my body, or the quakes running through it.

"You better hurry and finish, babe. Because I'm so fucking close!" She says, through gritted teeth.

"Good. I want to feel you cum. I want you to fill my pussy up with cum."

With a loud cry, her body tenses up; her muscles are taut. Loud grunts leave her mouth and swim into my ears. I feel her hot seed dripping out of me. I lean forward and gently bite her bottom lip.

I'm hot. Sweaty. I rest my forehead against hers. Our eyes are locked on one another. Even though we're not speaking, so much is communicated in these moments. She smooths my hair. We stay like this, staring at each other, breathing each other in, until my phone chimes.

"Fuck. That's Mashiho. We need to get dressed." I jump off Lisa and start fixing my clothes.

I'm stopped by her hand on my elbow. "I love you, Jennie, and nothing is going to change that. But I still think we should Tell Mashiho. I don't like lying to him."

"Okay, I'll think about it, but now's not the time. You need to get out of here." I hand her her pants and boxers.

"I'm not leaving."

I look into her eyes, hoping it's a joke, hoping she's just looking for a reaction from me. She's not.

"This isn't the time for games."

"I'm not playing games. I want to hear how things went with Ella."

"Lisa!" I plead exacerbated.

"Jennie, we got this. I promise." Lisa kisses me one last time before disappearing into the bathroom.

God. I hope so, I whisper to myself as I watch her walk away.