J—

I bake a batch of Mashiho's favorite cookies while he sits at the kitchen table and tells me all about his time with his aunt and cousins.

"I'm so glad you didn't let me back out of going."

"I knew you'd have a good time."

"Thanks Mom."

Mashiho gives me a hug, doing his best to touch me as little as possible while doing it. I can't wait till we get past these awkward teenage years and he's more confident in who he is again. We stay up late talking and laughing. To my surprise, Mashiho asks to go through our digital pictures together so that I can tell him the story behind each photo when he was a baby.

Sitting together and laughing helps me enjoy reflecting on the memories. I haven't looked at the pictures in a while because the memories were too painful. This is the first time in two years I'm excited to replay those moments in my mind.

"I never saw Dad so beside himself as he was with you this day." I increase the size of the picture of Mashiho as a toddler. "You took all the pots and pans out of the cabinet and crawled in, all the way in the back, and it was so deep, it was hard to get you out."

A chill kisses my skin and it's covered with goose bumps. I'm not cold on the inside though. I feel a warmth in my chest. A healing warmth, and I feel like it's a hug from Han. I close my eyes, and I swear I can almost smell his cologne.

I know it's crazy. I'm grasping for straws when there's nothing but air. At first I wonder if this is more guilt over my feelings for Lisa. I know it's not, because thinking of the woman in my life doesn't hurt at all. Instead of tearing up and falling apart, I'm at peace. Soothed.

"Hey, Mom," Mashiho comes out of his room while I rinse the dishes off and place them in the dishwasher. "Ella invited me over tomorrow. Is it okay if I go hangout with her?

"Of course."

"Awesome."

I grab my phone when I get into bed. No messages. Then again, I'm not surprised. Lisa said she didn't want to impede on my time with Mashiho. I want her to know she's on my mind.

Me: I miss you.

Lisa: Can't wait for you to show me how much next time I see you.

Me: How about you direct me and I'll put on a show.

Lisa: Can't wait.

Me: Lustful dreams.

Lisa: Only if they're of you.

I lay back in bed, relaxed, happy, and ready for tomorrow, no matter what it brings. My life is finally back on track.

After dropping Mashiho off at Ella house, I head over to Lisa's. The second I walk through the door, we're pawing at each other as if we haven't seen each other in months rather than a day. Lisa wastes no time getting me out of my clothes and tossing hers to the ground.

Still in the hallway, she bends me over at the waist so that my hands are against the wall. Once Lisa enters me I push back against her taking control. I enjoy being taken from behind, but instead of waiting for her to please me, I take the responsibility for both of our organisms.

"That's right, baby. Fuck me." Lisa holds onto my hips. Her fingers dig into me as her breathing changes. But she does nothing to take the control away.

I know she's close. I feel strong, powerful, bringing her to the edge of her climax. I consider slowing down and teasing her, but don't have time to make the decision. Her grip on me tightens and she starts to thrust her hips, knowing I brought her to the brink carries me there as well. In seconds my own orgasm builds and overwhelms me.

We spend the next hour and a half snuggled together on the couch talking. Joking around. My phone alarm chimes and I know it's time to go pick Mashiho up.

"This is going to be the longest week of my life," Lisa says, walking me to the door.

"I know. I'll need to come up with a shit-ton of excuses to sneak over here," I say stepping out the front door.

"Wait!" Lisa says when I head for my car. She reaches for my hand and pulls me back. "One more kiss to hold me over."

"I'm a sucker for those eyes of yours."

"I'm a sucker for you."

Lisa's lips bush against mine, soft and gentle. If this kiss is meant to hold her over, I want it to rile her up, make her hard and horny so that she thinks of me every minute until we see each other again. I press my chest against hers, wind my fingers in her hair and swipe my tongue across her lips.

"Mmm." Lisa's fingers thread through my hair. She holds me close and deepens the kiss.

"I really have to go."

"I know. It's just so hard watching you leave."

"Just a few more days before we tell Mashiho. Then it won't be so hard."

"I know. Now get going before I pull you back in the house and have my way with you."

I notice the sign as soon as I pull up to Ella's house. It's pretty hard to miss, so I know it wasn't there when I dropped Mashiho off. For Sale stands out in big, bold letters. I have a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. She's moving. I hope it's not far. Mashiho's going to be crushed.

I don't blame her mother. It's hard to live as if your husband is going to walk through the door one day when you know he's not. That he never will. I thought about moving after Han died, because it hurt so much to be in our house without him. I couldn't bring myself to pack up his things and leave the home we shared. Because it was ours. It will always be ours. If I move, where ever I go it will just be mine, and Han's presence in my life will be erased.

I know that's not really the case. I carry my husband around in my heart. In the memories and the traditions we started that I keep up. It's in my head that I can't rationalize moving. Even though being in our house hurts, brings flashbacks of things we said or did in virtually every spot, I have a hard time moving on.

At least I did, before Lisa.

I guess it's different being married to a cop. Every time he walks out the door, you're left wondering if he'll be home that night. If you'll ever see him again. And if you do, will it be dead or alive? It's a risk they take to serve and protect. A risk your whole family takes on.

Mashiho gets in the car and slams the door. He slouches down in his seat. Oh yeah, this is hitting him hard. Maybe this isn't the right time to tell Mashiho about Lisa and me. He has enough on his plate.

"Ella's moving," I tell Lisa the next night when we "accidentally" meet up at Starbucks.

"So?"

"Maybe we should wait to tell Mashiho?"

With her hands folded together in front of her mouth, Lisa leans across the table. "Why not just rip the Band-Aid off all at once?"

"Because I'm worried about him."

"You said he was happy and had a great time with your sister-in-law last week."

"He did. He was. But now he's upset and depressed."

"I promise, it's going to be okay." Lisa reaches out to touch me. I scan the shop to make sure no one is looking. Seeing my reaction, Lisa retracts her hand. She leans back in her chair and lets out a long breath. "Whatever. We'll play it your way."

"You're upset."

"I'm frustrated. I thought we were in a good place."

"We were. I mean we are." I whisper shout. "This has nothing to do with you and me. This is just about doing what's right for my son."

"You're wrong." She gets to her feet and pushes her chair in. "It has everything to do with you and me."

With her coffee in hand, I watch Lisa walk out. I had no idea how hard it would be to watch her turn her back on me and leave. Sure she does it when we're at my house, but it's never been like this. Never because she's upset with me.

I hurt her. That was never my intention. I'm only trying to do what's right. To be a good mother. It wrenches my heart that I can't run over to the woman I love and ease her pain. I don't rush to leave. I sit at our table feeling like shit, hoping she comes back.

If we tell Mashiho it might hurt him and he's already going through so much. Or my son might be excited to have Lisa around more. Someone he feels close too. Someone he confides in. If we don't tell, it definitely hurts Lisa. And that's the last thing I want to do.

At home, I keep checking my phone for a message from Lisa. There are none. I even shut my phone off and reboot it, just in case it's not working right. No such luck. By the time I'm ready to go to sleep, I break.

Me: I'm sorry. I love you so much, I don't want to hurt you. We'll tell him Saturday as planned.

It takes her longer than usual to respond. I close my eyes hoping sleep will find me so I can stop reliving that conversation over and over again. I want to forget the disappointment in her eyes.

Unfortunately I'm wide awake. Just when I've lost hope of her getting back to me, my phone chimes.

Lisa: I'm acting like a douche aren't I? Sorry. I was looking forward to being with you out in the open. I can wait as long as you need me too.

Me: No. You're right. We should do this. Besides, it's better that he hears it from us. It was so hard not to kiss you tonight.

Lisa: Kissing is only the start of what I wanted to do to you.

Lisa is back to being lighthearted and fun. I feel better. Now I can sleep.