Hello, all!
Fran betas, Dani, Ariel, and Gemma preread. You make me so happy!
So, today is my birthday, and we're ALL GETTING A GIFT TODAY.
But I'm not him. And I'll never be.
Edward's words play in my head as I swallow down a fresh wave of panic. The back of my head leans against the bathroom door; my eyes close in an effort to prevent everything from coming at me all at once. Flashbacks to the days where his hands on me left bruises in their wake combined with the heat of Edward's touch leave me unsettled, at war with myself in ways I can't begin to comprehend at this very second.
The cabin is silent, as Edward had left to head over to his cabin the minute I had slammed the oven door shut with the brownies on the top shelf. Before that, I had mixed and poured the brownies at an alarming rate, the silence hovering between us like a thundercloud ready to explode. I know he feels terrible, and he has no idea how to erase it all from happening in the first place, but I wasn't in the mind space at the time to handle the situation the way it should have been handled.
For either of us.
I didn't know the words to say to make him feel better without offering a piece of myself to him. Most importantly, I didn't, and still don't, know what to say to myself. I don't know how to calm down and bring myself to remember where I am and who I'm here with. There's a deep part of my brain that recognizes this as the safe place I've spent the last month creating; the same part recognizes Edward for the safe place to hide that he is.
But at that moment, when a single, innocent touch of his hand on my cheek sent me spiraling back into my life as a victim, I couldn't remember.
And he couldn't pull me from it.
Instead, with our brownies crisping in the oven, I let him go. I let him walk back to his cabin alone, wondering what the hell went wrong. And in turn, I had slipped into the bathroom in hopes of gathering myself.
Splashing water against my face, I take calming breaths and repeat over and over out loud who I am now and the woman I want to become. I remind myself that surviving years of being his wife has made me strong enough to conquer everything, including these conflicting feelings I have towards Edward.
Because this is what is happening here, right?
My mind can't figure out a way to grasp the notion of having a man in my current life without holding onto the man I escaped in the past. It's my head and my heart trying to hold on to whatever walls they can, even though they threaten to crumble more and more with each passing minute I spend with him.
Sniffling in my lonely cabin, the silence around me is deafening, and I slump when I realize the sounds of Edward and I together inside these four walls is much better than the quiet choking me as I stand, alone, in my kitchen staring at our brownies baking in the oven.
Maybe that's the point, I think to myself. It isn't Edward who is supposed to pull me out of the trenches.
It's me.
I'm the one who needs to recognize my self-worth when it's slapping me in the face.
Not Edward.
Me.
It wasn't him who had sacrificed years of his life with someone who preferred fists instead of words.
I was that person.
But I'm not anymore. And I figure that out when I'm staring at our untouched brownies, disheartened when I picture myself eating one without Edward by my side. Like a punch in the gut, my hand flies to my mouth when I realize a truth I've been trying to ignore for weeks.
I miss him. Edward.
Who I am entirely is still a mystery, but it's one I enjoy uncovering as I go. One thing I know for certain, as I let the brownies cool on the counter and slip my winter coat over my shoulders, is that Edward has uncovered a part of me I would like to stick around.
I use the fire he's made by the lake to guide my way to him.
I find him sitting in his chair, mine empty next to him. He's staring at the flames as they dance across his face, the tortured expression on his features making me walk faster toward him. So lost in thought, he only sees me coming when I'm a few steps away and he immediately stands. He is so lost in thought, I must have taken him by surprise.
"Bella, I'm sorry," is all he manages to get out before I'm standing in front of him, smiling more so at myself than I am at him. Regardless, the adrenaline coursing through my blood is enough for me to reach for the collar of his winter jacket and pull him towards me.
It's a beautiful thing, I think to myself, as I press my lips to his against the backdrop of the burning fire and the cold air, to have reached a point in my life where I'm pulling a man towards me - not pushing him away.
And when his arms slowly wrap around my waist, our heads turning to the side to sink firmly into our kiss, the thought of pushing Edward away is the last thing on my mind as we lose ourselves to the feeling of something new.
Something found.
60 Chapters and we're finally getting some action! Bella needed to realize this all on her own, though. Thanks for sticking with her (and me!) as she rediscovers a little more of herself each day. This time she won't be alone :)
See you tomorrow!