I don't own Chuck

"He was always serious about that," Chuck muttered. He knew he was being ridiculous right now, but he was shook to his core. Normally, he'd morph into Agent Carmichael and put up his mask, be an agent, and not a person….normally. He wasn't sure if that was possible right now. Sarah Walker had done something to him. He didn't know if he could revert to Agent Carmichael. But that wasn't the worst part. The worst part was he wasn't sure he wanted to.

Because that path might lead to madness. That path would lead to him thinking about, and accepting all the things he had done as an agent. All the lives he had taken, all the carnage he had brought forth, and now, he had to wonder, how much of it had been tainted by Bryce. How many times had Bryce Larkin been the one to point him at a target, and pulled the trigger so to speak?

"Chuck, you with me?" Sarah asked. Chuck nodded, his mind still unraveled by what she had told him. He turned to her and nodded again. "Okay, so apparently Bryce had something on your professor, he never said what. Bryce told your professor, he could convince you to join the CIA."

"He did," Chuck said, his voice raspy. He cleared it, and licked his lips, his throat and mouth dry. He looked at Sarah. "That's exactly what he did. We used to play a game in the library. He was basically teaching me to be a spy. How to sneak. How to take someone out." He blinked and looked off into the ocean. "Jesus, Sarah, how much of my story is actually mine?"

He felt her hand on his arm, gently rubbing it. "Maybe we should stop." He turned to her. "It's going to get nothing but worse."

"I'm okay," Chuck said shaking his head. "I'm sorry, I'm usually better than this, I'm usually-"

"An emotionless robot? The Ice King?" Sarah offered. Chuck stared at her. "See, I know what they teach, I know how they train. I know how they taught you to compartmentalize and I know the downside to that training."

Chuck watched her as she quit rubbing his arm and went to clasp his hand in both of hers. "I see you, Chuck. I see you trying to be a person right now. I see you being very venerable, and I know it has to be terrifying. What you're doing is very brave, and that's what we need. You need to remember Bryce Larkin KNOWS Agent Carmichael."

"He helped create him," Chuck said softly. Sarah nodded. "Does he know Chuck Bartowski?"

"I don't think he gives a damn about Chuck Bartowski," Sarah told him. "Because Chuck Bartowski didn't serve him in any way. Chuck Bartowski is a man full of emotions, a caring man, a loving man."

Chuck looked back out to sea. "So I'm gonna need to hire you as my hype guy…I mean girl…I mean woman…gah!"

"Hey, it's fine," Sarah told him, letting go of his hand and rubbing his arm again in comfort. "Do you want me to stop with the story?" He shook his head no, and hoped she also wouldn't stop rubbing his arm. "Bryce said that with you in the CIA he was allowed to finish school early."

"He did," Chuck said, turning back to her. "I never understood why."

"To be with his wife," Sarah told him. Chuck's jaw dropped. "Let me guess, Bryce was quite the player at Stanford?" Chuck nodded. "Someone believed in their cover. His wife encouraged it."

"Oh my God," Chuck murmured. "He was married and did….all of that?" Sarah nodded. "Wait, we keep saying was, is he still? Sarah shook her head. "She get tired of him playing the field?"

"No," Sarah said softly. "He had married Evelyn Thiebaud secretly in Russia some years ago. He didn't say exactly when." Chuck nodded. "When he left Stanford he went back and publicly married her."

"Okay, so he did it publicly to help sell the cover?"

"I guess, he didn't explain, but that would make the most sense," Sarah agreed. "That fall was when he left, it was also when my group the CAT squad was disbanded, and I was supposed to become Graham's personal assassin. I didn't know it at the time, but Graham told me everything."

"Something isn't making sense," Chuck cut in. "I see how your story cuts through mine, but the problem is, I'm currently on Bryce's radar, and by me teaming with you, that's just putting a target on your head."

She gave him a sad smile. "I already am on his radar," Sarah explained gently. "I was being fastracked to be…well, what you became." Chuck nodded. "During a training, I was hurt, badly. Bryce claims he sabotaged me." Chuck's mouth dropped again. "He did it and then went to Graham telling him the two of you could become the Carmichael brothers. I was on my way to being his cover wife, part of the Andersons before all of this happened."

"I'm still not seeing it," Chuck said, getting frustrated.

"I know," Sarah said gently. "After I healed up, I wanted a mission, and Graham had been hearing buzzes about a mole, or a leak. He told me to go to Paris and to look into the reports we had coming in. Apparently the day I took off, Bryce came in, offering to go in my place. I was already gone."

She stopped for a second and looked out over the ocean. Chuck knew that look. He had seen that look in the mirror many times in his career. It was the look you got when you thought about a life you had taken. "He made it seem afterwards like he knew nothing. Everything pointed to her being a mole, and he was clean. Plus by that point you and Bryce were really an effective team."

"Sarah," Chuck said softly, reaching out, putting his hand on her shoulder. She turned back to him, and took both of her hands in his.

"It wasn't a kill order, but I had no choice." Chuck stood there quietly, letting her get it all out in her time. "I killed Evelyn Larkin."