He was on the battlefield, surrounded by the animated dead bodies of comrades, white zetsus, and enemies alike. His body felt like each of his blood cells had been filled with cement and he was plastered to the battleground by both gravity and the gruesome hands of the dead wrapping around his limbs to trap him.
The bodies didn't disturb him as much. What caught his breath in his dry throat as his lungs begged to take in air, only able to breathe the shallowest of breaths, if you could even call it that, was a never ending tunnel that spiralled into infinity. His father was falling, eternally, reaching out into the nothingness to find something to hold onto.
He'd never seen Shikaku scared. Never. But the look on his face screamed help me and just watching his panic wrenched Shikamaru's heart, twisting and turning to ensure he thoroughly experienced the pain. If only he could reach out his arms to give him something to grasp onto. If only he were a better strategist and he'd be able to think his way out of this. He didn't deserve to be known as the genius of Konoha if he couldn't even save the person he looked to the most in life-wrong, the two people he looked to most in life.
"Dad!" He yelled, tears streaming down his face. He'd already lost someone so dear to him. His only other Shogi partner. He wouldn't be losing Shikaku either. "Dad" He repeated, over and over.
Suddenly, the panic in his chest was replaced by a warmth that spread from his heart, throughout the rest of his body. "Shikamaru," a voice like honey, husky from sleep, was calling his name. He felt a warm, calloused hand resting gently on his cheek and slowly opened his eyes.
Temari was laying on his chest, looking up at him, gently stroking his cheek. "Shikamaru," she whispered once again. He smiled sadly, the remnants of the dream, mixing with waking to the reality still without his father. He felt comforted, but sometimes reality still hit him like a brick against chest, forcing the breath out of him in a violent way. At least he died swiftly. Without pain.
Temari weighed her options. Maybe he was due some gentle support, but she didn't want him to think she pitied him. "Troubled dreams, my cry baby." She opted for gentle teasing.
Shikamaru bowed his head, resting his lips against the crown of her head, where he placed a warm, lingering kiss. The torture of grief felt bearable with her there in his arms. "Do you want to talk about it?" She wanted to give him his privacy, so she didn't bring up the words she heard him whining in his sleep.
"Nah, I… no." He didn't want to burden her with it. He wasn't the only one to experience loss during the war. Or the loss of a parent. Or two. And felt his childhood was so idyllic in comparison to her traumatic past that he had no right to complain.
"You can always talk to me when you need." She began to trace lines across his chest, idly, sweetly. He couldn't see her face from his vantage point, but he imagined a gentle, comforting smile on her lips. Just for him. All this affection, support, and worry just for him. How lucky he was.
He could have sworn that his feelings were racing against themselves to get to her. To fall for her. Honestly, if she said the words, he'd be diving in deep. It frustrated him to no end that he felt this way, but he couldn't read her. She seemed like she… enjoyed their time together. But did she look forward to it, long for it, need the interaction the way he did?
Suddenly, his nerve endings felt raw and exposed. She would be leaving, again, tomorrow, and that always pulled him into a depressed mood for days after, re-adjusting to a Konoha without her and waking to the reality that his father was gone. Asuma's lighter glimmering in the moonlight on his bedside table caught his eye as if on cue and he swiftly grabbed it, pushing his feet off the edge of the bed onto the floor to carry his body to his balcony. He lit a cigarette, tasting the mixture of the refreshing coolness of menthol and the suffocating taste of tobacco burning his throat on the way down.
"What am I supposed to do when you go back to Suna," there was a hidden meaning behind his rasped out question that Temari ignored.
"Keep living. Like always." She didn't want to have this conversation. Not again
"You told me the next time you came to Konoha, we'd talk about it. And we've yet to have the conversation this week… this is the last night..." Shikamaru was rarely serious. Dedicated, yes. Lazy, definitely. But did he take things seriously? Not much. So when he looked at her without a side smirk, she knew exactly what he was talking about. She wouldn't be able to side step him this time.
"I don't know what you're talking about. You're going to have to be more specific." She lied.
"Temari, you know exactly what I'm talking about. We've been dating for 6 months and I've seen you all of 10 days. That's 20 days a year… We can't plan on seeing each other less than a month a year."
"It's working fine for me."
"Temari…"
"What? Shikamaru, are you going to move from Konoha to Suna?" Checkmate. And against the shogi master.
"You know I have my duties to the Nara Clan…" He didn't say it, but the subtext screamed since my dad died in the war. "I can't just leave my mom here all alone."
"And I can't just leave my brothers or Suna. I have duties to an entire village" She pushed herself up from the bed into a sitting position, crossing her arms defiantly. Honestly, when he got like this, it just felt like more work dating him than not. "Can't we just enjoy each other. We've been coming between Suna and Konoha for years and hanging out with each other without it being a problem."
"But that was when we were just friends." And before my dad died. I need you here, he wanted to say, but didn't.
"I'm fine with the frequency that we see each other. And we're only 6 months into our relationship. Isn't it a little soon to ask me to move a three day trip away from my home to be closer to you?"
"I'm not asking you to move now. I just want to know what to expect from the future. In a year or so."
"Then we can have this conversation in a year or so. I get so many letters from you that it doesn't even seem like you're not there."
"Exactly, you get letters from me. And you know what I meant." He sat on the edge of the bed, looking down at the shogi piece that he balanced between his fingers. Being honest was hard enough, so he wasn't going to add the difficulty of looking her in the eyes.
"What? I send letters." Temari didn't understand if she'd answered most of the content of 10 of his letters in one letter every once in a while why it was such a big deal. No conversation lost.
"Can we… just talk about this next time?" Temari slid her hand up his thigh in suggestion. He coldly stood from the bed to walk across the room. "No, I can't do this."
"Oh, you don't feel like messing around before I go?" She settled back into the bed, pulling the covers up to her chin. "I'm going to bed. You can join me if you'd like." She yawned, but strained to listen when he mumbled the words, "this troublesome relationship."
Instead of dignifying him with an emotional response, she peeled the covers off of her, standing to gather her things. The anger she felt simmering beneath the surface was fighting to get out, but the idea that he would issue an ultimatum like this was not worth the investment of her energy. She slipped out of the big t-shirt he'd given her, all the while, Shikamaru stood, facing away from her. He didn't want to see her reaction and he didn't want her to see the panic in his eyes. After she was back in her own clothing, she threw a "suit yourself" over her shoulder, closing the bedroom door behind her. Shikamaru stood in his bedroom with his arms crossed, waiting for her to come back and maybe fight for their relationship. Maybe she'd show him that she was as much in this as he was… 15 minutes passed and he brought his eyebrows together in frustration. Nara men didn't cry. Except during wars when their fathers died or when their senseis were murdered by religious zealots. Or except for when they've failed missions to bring Sasuke back to the Hidden Leaf…. but there were no other exceptions.
He breathed in deeply with his teeth clenched to keep himself from feeling heartbroken and stormed back out to his patio, using cigarettes to fill the void Temari just left.
People expected a lot of Temari. They expected her to be a professional diplomat between Suna and the other four great nations. They expected her to be a supportive, present sister no matter how annoying Kankuro could be or how grumpy Gaara could get. They expected her to be stoic in the face of adversity. So when her emotions started spiralling all of a sudden, she knew people couldn't and wouldn't expect something like that. So she kept it to herself.
She was so angry but she truly did not know why. She knew Shikamaru was rushing her decision-making. Secondly, he was reverting to the sexist 12 year old boy she'd fought all those years ago during the Chunin exams who had strong opinions on men and women. He expected her to uproot her life for him, but never even considered the same for himself.
However, none of that was bothering her. She could give two shits about some lovesick boy trying to control her decisions. The pressure she felt, pushing against her ears and the inside of her skull was driving her crazy and she wished she could just drill a hole in her temple to somehow let out all the noise in her head. She squeezed either side of her head in between her hands in an attempt to relieve the pressure, but it didn't help.
So she decided that she could just sprint her way back to the suite Konoha gave her during diplomatic missions. Chest heaving, breath quick, and sweat beading, she flicked on a lamp in her room, taking in the sight of her Tessen.
So she grabbed her Tessen and sent only enough wind across the room to knock over the lamp on the bedside table. The bulb shattered, filling the room in darkness, which made her even more angry. Her head was going to explode and she couldn't see anything and it was all her stupid fault.
She gritted her teeth, still trying to find a way to relieve the pressure and that didn't help, so the tears came and fell. She slammed her fist on the bed a few times to let out all her feelings. She wasn't mad at Shikamaru. She really wasn't.
She was just mad. Sleep would evade her tonight, so she clasped her Tessen around her shoulders, holding it against her back and sprinted to the training fields.
Temari awoke to puffy, red rimmed eyes. She only had a couple of hours of sleep and training through tears didn't help either. She scrubbed her face with cold water, trying to eliminate the traces of her exhausting night. Crying is for babies like Shikamaru and she was anything but a baby. She got dressed quickly, ready to return home to the comfort of her own bed.
Shikamaru was actually on time to escort her to her gates. "Can't wait to get rid of me, I see." She walked past him with her tessen thrown across her back, head held high, and the attitude of a child who came from royalty. While she hated being referred to as a princess, it didn't mean she couldn't use it as collateral against people who were beneath her station. Like certain deer herders in her vicinity. He didn't respond with words, just grunting and rolling his eyes behind her back.
They walked two meters apart from each other in complete silence. Shikamaru was just there to fulfill a duty as it were, so no need for chitchat.
Two Suna nin were waiting for her at the entrance. While things were relatively peaceful after the war, rebuilding nations was still a time that brought delinquents out to harass people traveling in-between villages. Temari could defend herself, but Gaara insisted that she traveled in groups. She joined them, not looking back at her ex boyfriend.
"Good morning, Lady Temari."
"Shove it." The two shinobi gave each other a look, knowing this kunoichi could be temperamental. They decided not to tempt her further. They also knew that this trip would be made in two and a half, if not two days because she was likely in one of those moods.
Shikamaru called out to her and she stopped in wait.
His mind was racing and he wanted to say "let's make it work, I just want to be with you" or something like "I'm okay with taking it day-by-day" or "forgive me for my dumb mistake," but seeing her there with her hips cocked and her arms crossed, she just didn't seem like she would be up for hearing anything for him at that moment, so he opted for a salutation instead.
"Stay safe." He mumbled, embarrassed, and rubbing the back of his neck.
"What clever words in a time of peace, shadow boy." She countered, turning on her heel without looking back.
A/N: Thank you so much for reading! Please leave a review of my writing!
Thank you to tsukuy0mi47 for beta reading!