Shikamaru finally caught up with Shiho on the streets of Konoha. She was no longer storming and stomping, but instead, walking exceedingly slowly with her shoulders drooping. The poor girl didn't even have the energy to be angry because her feelings were so hurt.
Shikamaru jogged the rest of the way to meet her.
"Shiho." Her eyes were magnified by her far-sighted glasses and it only amplified her tears and his guilt further.
"I'm so sorry that happened. I didn't expect it at all." She swiped at her running nose with the clothes in her hands. She still was in her bathing suit, too embarrassed to get dressed before leaving.
"You didn't expect her to kiss you or your reaction to it?" Shiho responded, her mouth buried in her clothes as if that would embolden her to speak bluntly. And it did.
Shikamaru paused, pondering the question. He very much expected his reaction.
Shiho wasn't even mad at Shikamaru. Not one bit. "What a bitch. Why would she do something like that to me?" Shikamaru suddenly felt like defending Temari. He was all mixed-up and all kinds of ridiculous at this point.
"Well, I don't think she did that to you. I don't think she even knows we're dating." Shiho stopped. Shikamaru made it a few steps without noticing she was no longer beside him. When he looked up to check on her, he realized and turned around.
"What's wrong?" He asked. What a stupid question.
"Your ex, who you work with every once in a while, doesn't know we're dating, even though we've been dating for almost a year?" He paused. Honestly, after all the effort he put into being outside today, he didn't have the energy for tact and strategy. And he definitely did not want to tell her she'd been avoiding him until tonight. That could… complicate things.
"It never came up." Shiho furrowed her brows and pouted, breathing in and out shallowly like a new wave of tears was about to fall. When her lower lip quivered, a few drops slid down her reddened cheeks.
"I- I talk about you all the time. At work. At home. To my parents. To my friends. When do you talk about me?" Her voice started strong, but it was so small by the time she got to her vulnerable question. Shikamaru took a moment to think about it.
It was a few beats and he still hadn't answered. He talked about her with Kakashi whenever they needed encryption or decryption done, but he was smart enough to know that wasn't the answer she was looking for.
Honestly, no matter how this conversation would go, he didn't have an investment in any outcome. If she chose to forgive him for not giving her what she needed, cool. If not, cool. That thought made him realize what he should do. But what he should do sounds like effort. And he didn't really feel like doing what he should do.
"Do you… like me?" Shiho asked in an even smaller voice. He could answer that question.
"Yes." He enjoyed having a shogi partner, he enjoyed having someone to cuddle at night, what was not to like? And most of all, he needed to avoid the empty feeling he had when waking from a nightmare.
"Do you like Temari?" Now that, he shouldn't answer.
"Yes." He enjoyed playing shogi with her. He enjoyed eating lunch after doing hours of paperwork together. He enjoyed arguing with her about small details. He enjoyed escorting her through Konoha. He enjoyed laying and watching clouds with her. He enjoyed the missions that involved going to Suna, where he'd have to sit in hours-long meetings with the Kazekage and other important figureheads, being able to exchange looks of boredom at each other. He enjoyed getting messages from her, even if they were about Konoha/Suna business-he just liked to see her signature and that she was doing ok. He enjoy-
He'd been so engrossed in his thoughts and Shiho stared at his pleasant introspection.
"Do you want to be with her?" No.
She'd made it clear how she felt a year and a half ago. He wasn't worth the effort. He wasn't worth the move. He wasn't worth the time. And so he didn't want to give himself to something that led to nowhere.
"No." And he was telling the truth. Shiho felt comforted by this.
"Do you… still want to be with me?" He nodded vaguely. He guessed so. He didn't see why not… She smiled, wiping the last of her tears.
Shikamaru paused. Everything he liked about her was rooted in his inability to be alone. Something he avoided confronting by diving into this relationship.
After moments of speculation paused, Shiho took a deep breath, closed her eyes, and readied herself for something she didn't want to do, but had to do, and broke up with him.
That jittery feeling simmered its way through her nerves once again, pulling her to do something, anything, just to expend as much energy as possible. In the past, her peers marveled at her ability to stay up all night training or wake up early to study, which once struck pride in Temari. Lately, however, she felt compelled to wake early and sleep late as if some unknown force prevented her mind from peacefully settling into a deep slumber.
The meeting with the Hokage and the Kazekage played over and over in her mind, sparking new ideas that kept her mind from settling into rest. Now, the thoughts came at her fast and zipped out of her mind even faster.
All the ideas felt so brilliant as they came to her and she decided that she could trade sleep for some solid productivity with energy to spare for their trip back to Suna.
Pulling on her worn leather gloves, clasping her tessen to her back, she slipped out of the door of her suite and made her way to the Konohan training grounds.
Moonlight filtered its way into the room where Shikamaru lay with his eyes wide open. He prided himself on his ability to sleep anywhere at any time, so his inability to fall into it unnerved him. Not only did he ponder his sleeplessness, but also his utter lack of self-awareness, between his "relationship" with Shiho that he tried to push himself into and the avoidance of his thoughts.
He remembered within the first few months after the war, Sakura suggested that each of the shinobi go in for a psych evaluation. Like him, most of his peers opted out. Mental fortitude was a skill they all learned at the academy, honed during their missions, and prepared for before the war.
He padded his way to his closet and pulled on a shirt, deciding he would sleep in his old room on the Nara compound.
A gust of wind nearly threw him off-balance before his eyes landed on a small figure in the distance that sent the assault his way. Temari was up and training at 2 in the morning.
"Sorry! I didn't expect to see anyone out here this late." Temari made her way to him, her tessen thrown over her shoulder. Despite spending a few hours with her in a meeting the day before without any nerves, his heart began to pound uncontrollably. This was different. It was the first time in years that they were together and alone.
"It's no problem." His hand made its way to scratch the back of his head without consulting him. Maybe it would distract her from the trembling. She was the wind and he was a leaf, easily moved by the force of nature.
"About the other night…" Temari started, trying to bring up the topic felt awkward and her embarrassment colored her cheeks pink.
"Yeah, I'm sorry for my reaction. It's not that I didn't-. Well, it's, um, it's just… you kinda kissed me in front of my girlfriend..." He let out an awkward laugh, "well, ex-girlfriend."
"Oh! Shit! Don't break up over something so small as that." Apparently, he had a habit of just breaking up with people over any sign of adversity. Crybaby.
"Well, she broke up with me…" He looked everywhere but her eyes.
"Oh." There wasn't much more for her to say.
"You'll be moving to Konoha?" It tasted bitter to say those words for Shikamaru.
"Ironic, huh?" She let out a sound close to a laugh, but more like an expulsion of breath. Neither of them said it, but the words were there in his question and her blunt answer. Fate loved messing with him. It tested him constantly. When he was a child, all he wanted was D-ranked missions. He barely wanted to become a chunin, yet some force literally pushed him into the ring with her and the exam coordinators saw something in him despite his laziness and his willingness to give up.
He settled on a simple life and the same force that pushed him unwillingly into becoming a chunin also pushed him into the arms of this kunoichi who refused to sugar coat things. This woman who would call him out on his cowardice every fucking time without any bit of malice, but with tons of righteous anger.
Wanting her to stay in Konoha for him was exactly the same. Just another easy decision to make that would take little effort on his part. He could avoid his demons born of his adolescent traumas and be protected by the strongest woman he knew. It was a lot to put on her.
He wondered if she got a psych evaluation after the war. It felt like if she did, it would give him the strength to do it himself, but he couldn't keep relying on her to prod him into taking care of himself.
"You should head to bed, Shikamaru. You look like shit." Not a bit of sweetness, at all. And he really admired her for it.
"Troublesome," he murmured in response, giving her a teasing smile before turning to leave.