This is the second installment in the "I Know Nothing About" series where I write a tongue-in-cheek fan fiction for a property I'm not familiar with. I saw the first three Star Wars movies years ago but they really weren't my cup of tea, so I've forgotten most of the things that happened in them, so it's like I haven't seen them at all. Hope you enjoy.

Once upon a time, in a galaxy far, far away, a sand-dweller named Luke Skywalker came home to find his home destroyed and family killed by an Empire bombing raid. Luke sank to his knees, thrust his hands into the burning desert sand, and let out a Big No. The Empire had invaded his land to fight the rebels hiding in the craggy mountains to the west. The rebels carried out sudiicde attacks on Imperial troops and blended in with the poor, downtrodden souls inhabiting the slipshod villages strung out across the countryside. Anyone who helped the rebels were rounded up and sent to a distant prison camp, where they were held without trial for years, and anyone who helped the Empire was beheaded or shot by rebels. Luke's family had tried to avoid the bloodshed, but this was it, he would destroy the Empire.

He set out on a five day journey through the desert, the mountains ever in front of him, defining the dusty blue horizon. He avoided Imperial patrols and hid from Imperial air raids. He reached the mountains on day six and met a man in a robe named OB1. His beard was snowy white and he carried a rifle strapped across his back. "I have come to join you," Luke said and bowed deeply. "My family has been killed by the Empire and I wish to take revenge."

"Very well," OB1 said, "follow me."

They hiked up the mountain, which was honeycombed with a network of caves. They met many rebels, all with beards and rifles like OB1's. They practiced an ancient religion that called for them to face in a certain direction ten times a day and pray. They reached OB1's cave and Luke's training began. First, he was instructed in the ways of the Force. He grew a beard, read the holy book, and abstained from eating pork. Next, he trained in the use of rifles, fazers, RPGs, and in the construction of IEDs. Soon, he was ready to wage holy war on the Empire and the unbelievers. He and other rebels placed bombs on roadsides and launched raids of nearby villages, where they enforced their radical interpretation of the Force on the local populace. Women were to keep their faces covered and stay in the home, and young boys were recruited to strap bombs to chests in the name of the Force.

One day, Luke was captured by Empire forces and hustled onto their grand spaceship. He was put in a room with his hands tied behind his back and made to wait for the commander. Soon, the door slid open and in walked an imposing figure dressed all in black, his face covered with a black helmet. His breathed heavily as he spoke. "I am Darth Vader. I want to know everything. Tell me and I will spare you."

"No," Luke said.

The man held out his arm and curled his fingers to his palm. Luke's air supply cut out and he dropped to the floor. "You will talk...soon enough."

Luke was put in a holding cell and kept there for weeks, maybe even months, as the Death Star made its way home. One day, he heard alarms and a bunch of shooting. A man who looked a lot like Indana Jones appeared at his cell with a giant ape. "I'm Han Solo," the man said and unlocked the door, "I'm here to bust you out."

Luke didn't understand, but okay.

Han gave him a blaster and they fought their way through the ship, killing thousands upon thousands of Imperial troops who couldn't aim. They linked up with two robots, one of whom looked like a trash can and the other of whom said "Danger, Will Robinson," a lot. They made it to a ship piloted by a woman with buns on either side of her head and took off. "This is Princess Leia," Han said, "she's on our side."

The Princess told Luke the story of how Vader and his evil master, Lord Palpitine, blew up her planet. She submitted to the Force and vowed to take revenge. Han then told his story. "I am but a simple mercenary who was hired by OB1 to find you."

His ape let out a phlegmy cry. "This is Chewbacco."

The ape then spat a brown wad onto the floor.

While Luke and his friends made their way back to his planet, Vader knelt before Palpitine, who wore shades and licked an ice cream cone. "My lord," Vader said, "the prisoner has escaped."

"Come on, man," Palpitine said disappointedly. "You gotta...you know...the thing."

"Yes, my lord."

Back on Luke's home planet, he and his new friends linked up with OB1 and 10,000 rebels. They launched a huge assault and drove the Imperial troops out of every province one by one. Finally, Palpitine ordered a withdrawal, leaving behind billions of dollars worth of equipment. Luke, Han, and Leia took some jets and went after the Death Star. They had captured its builder and he told them of an exhaust port; if they could shoot a bomb into it, they could blow it up.

A huge battle in space happened. There were lasers flying everywhere, it was really cool. Finally, Luke found the exhaust port and shot a rocket into it. It exploded into a million pieces as Vader and Palpitine flew off in an escape pod. Luke and the others regrouped back on his planet and he and Leia shared a kiss. Chewbacco pounded his chest and made happy ape noises, and OB1 and the others fired their fazers into the air.

The war was not over, but Luke's planet was liberated, and now his hardline religion was free to flourish.

THE END.