Hellsing belongs to Kouta Hirano and Studio MadHouse
Hellsing Abridged was made by Takahata101 and TeamFourStar
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Thoughts:'Thinking'
Speaking: "Talking"
Watching: Bold
As the screen turned on different thoughts went through everyone's mind, some were scared, others were angry, some were excited, and then people who just didn't care. Ozpin stared at Salem the Grimm queen just looking at the screen with an apathetic look but he knew that wasn't true. He looked inside his mug rich brown coffee at the top, his magic still worked as he could summon his coffee mug but if he tried to summon a shield or his cane it wouldn't come. 'The god somehow managed to dampen my magic' Ozpin sighed and relaxed in the recliner if he couldn't use his magic then there was a chance Salem couldn't either and they were trapped here anyway so might as well watch what's on the screen beside he thought 'watching another universe would be quite the experience'. White, big words suddenly started to appear on the screen
THIS UNIVERSE IS NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART IT CONTAINS
SWEARING, BLOOD, AND GORE, VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED
Ruby nervously chuckled, blood, gore she hated that kind of stuff. Summer looked at Ruby and saw her face "Ruby, you sure you want to watch this?" she asked. Ruby took a deep breath and said "I'm fifteen, mom I can handle this kind of stuff" she gave off a dazzling smile. "Okay, I just wanted to know," Summer said "thank's mom" "of course sweetie". They looked back up at the screen and it said
IF YOUR HUNGRY JUST THINK OF WHAT YOU WANT TO EAT AND IT WILL COME
Yang looked at her table and thought 'Strawberry Sunrise' a margarita glass appeared with a yellow liquid and purple umbrella in the cupholder.
Yang picked it up and was about to take a sip but then Taiyang saw what she was about and yelled: "don't drink that!" "why not?" "because it has alcohol in it" he replied. "Oh, let the kid have a drink," Qrow told Taiyang "No, cause unlike you I don't give beer to minors". "So no drinking for you," Taiyang said sternly as the margarita in Yang's hand turned into a cup of coke, Yang pouted and looked at the coke in her hand sadly sipping it. The screen started flickering again as the screen started up.
[The scene starts with Monkey D. Luffy and Roranoa Zoro riding through the East Blue in their dinghy.]
Narrator: This is the story about a world of adventure, a sea full of excitement and a man full of dreams and a passion that seeks to drive him to the top.
'This doesn't look gory' Cinder thought, raising an eyebrow at the scene. 'Maybe it isn't as bad as I thought' Ruby said to herself
Monkey D. Luffy: My name is Monkey D. Luffy and I'm gonna be king of the...
[The screen flickers with static to reveal a room full of bloody corpses and two vampires appearing to be cuddling.]
"Oh god!" Ms. Goodwitch exclaimed shocked at the horrible scene Ruby felt herself going green as did many others in the theater. 'They were weak' Raven thought 'so they died'. Team JNPR and CRDL weren't much better, both teams were going green at the sight 'Oooh, I'm going to be sick' Jaune thought. The adults in the front were shivering in rage. Ozpin grasped his tightly his mouth set to a crisp line as he summoned all of his self-control to not break the screen. The villainous audience the back weren't affected as bad but they were curious about the two people cuddling in the middle of the bodies. Salem didn't take any interest in the scene it was like a human looking at ant did the human care about ant, no. Adam took joy in the scene, the humans, their oppressors dead, it brought a smile to his face. Blake in horror at the death, her face gaping. Sienna glared at the screen, while she hated humans she didn't want innocents to be killed, only the ones that wronged them.
Female Vampire: Oh, uh, oh yes! I love you, Edward.
Edward: And I… love you… Bella.
Salem could sense that these life forms weren't humans but she didn't care they were still lower life forms.
'disgusting' Ms. Goodwitch and Ozpin thought
[knocking on door]
Edward: Hold on. Who is it?
When they saw a barrage of bullets hit Edward their a few reactions "Holy shit!' "what the hell!". Then scene to outside they a tall man wearing a red trenchcoat and holding a gun, the man shades glowed in the dark, scraggly blonde hair could be seen underneath his hat. Even with his new look, the man was familiar, they knew him. The man was "Jaune?!" all the beacon students and shouted. The beacon professors look shocked. ACTUALLY, HE GOES BY ALUCARD IN THIS WORLD 'Alucard' everyone thought quite a fearsome name.
Alucard: Oh, you know... [shoots through the door, kills Edward, them withdraws his gun] ... a real fuckin' vampire
Everything became eerily quiet as everyone blinked and looked at the screen. The one who broke the silence was Nora "fearless leader is..." she started real quiet, almost unhearable if the entire theater wasn't already silent "A VAMPIRE!" Nora shouted in the loudest voice she could muster. Just like that sound resumed in the theater "cool Jaune's a vampire!" Ruby yelled in excitement "Who's Jaune" Taiyang asked "he's my best friend" Ruby said cutely even tilting her head a dog. 'A friend?' Taiyang thought immediately the worst things came to his mind. Summer realizing the look on his face, she sighed. Back at team JNPR Jaune felt waves of fear shudder through his body 'what was that about' he thought. 'It seems this Jaune is very strong, and that accent' Pyrrha thought as she went red at the thought of her Jaune having that accent.
[Opening plays with Party Party Party by Andrew W.K. as the theme song]
Alucard: [speaking through Telepathy, because Black Magic.] Hey, Police Girl, do you have the target?
"Hey look it's me!" Ruby said, "but why did he call me police girl?" Ruby inquired. "It must be because you're a police girl in this world" Yang answered. "I'm telepathic?" Jaune inquired out loud.
Police Girl: OK, master, my name is Ruby. And yes, I have the target in sight.
At the sight of Ruby's eyes going red "Ruby, your a vampire!" Yang screamed, "That's so cool!" Ruby yelled arms up in the airs "Ruby you a lot older in this" Blake said. "Let's hope she matured with it too," Weiss in pure Ice Queen fashion said.
Alucard: [through Telepathy, still!] Well, better take the shot, you're letting her get away.
"Don't I sound bit,... Dickish in this?" Jaune asked " yeah you kinda do," Coco said.
Police Girl: If you just give me a second to concentrate, I could-
Alucard: [appears standing behind Seras] She's getting away! She's running!
Police Girl: [eyes glow red] I get it, I'm lining up the-
Alucard: Going to miss it! Going to miss it!
Police Girl: Just be quiet and let me-
Alucard: Hey, Police Girl! Hey! Hey, Police Girl!
Police Girl: [fires the sniper rifle and kills Bella] There! I took the fucking shot! She's dead, there's blood everywhere!
Everybody started chuckling nervously at Ruby's outburst. "Is this how Jaune usually acts?" Summer asked "No, he's almost the complete opposite," Ruby said
Alucard: ...Oh, you are just a treat.
[black screen with the caption "One Week Earlier"]
Alucard: Now, I know what you're thinking: "How did all this come about?" Well, it all started on a midnight stroll through the woods. The air was clear, the moon was full. I was dying to sink my teeth into something. Get it? Because I'm a vampire. Mu-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha… It's funny. [reaches a field full of ghouls and a homicidal vampire priest holding Ruby hostage]
"Well that was a funny joke," Yang said "are we forgetting that Ruby is a hostage," Blake asked.
Homicidal Priest: So, you came. Too bad you're far too late.
Alucard: ...What?
Homicidal Priest: Everyone else is already dead. Except this little tart. But trust me, I still plan to kill her.
Alucard: Mm-hmm.
Homicidal Priest: But first, I'm going to rape her!
Everyone made a face of disgust and anger at that sentence.
Alucard: Neat.
"Does he even care?!" Jaune yelled at... Himself?
Homicidal Priest: But before I can do any of that... I'm going to kill you!
Alucard: Oh? See, that would be intimidating if you were… well, intimidating.
Roman chuckled at the tone Alucard was using.
Homicidal Priest: Gr-r-r, are you mocking me?!
Alucard: Oh, no, no, no, no, no… Pfft, yeah! [shoots Ruby and the Priest through the lung while the fraction "shot through the heart" from Bon Jovi's song "You Give Love a Bad Name" plays]
"Holy shit!" everyone yelled except the villains, of course, Ruby protectively put her arms in front of her chest.
Alucard: Well, that should about wrap things up here.
"What about me?!" Ruby yelled.
Police Girl: Guh… gah…
Alucard: Oh, yeah. Forgot about you. Sorry about that whole "shooting you" thing, but I know if you look deep into your heart, which is currently all over that tree, you'll find a way to forgive me.
Police Girl: [dying] Guh… gah…
Alucard: Awww, geez, you look like a puppy. A redhead, eviscerated puppy.
Police Girl: [still dying] Gah… *tear*
"She's still dying" Weiss shrieked.
Alucard: Christ! Fine! I'll help you! But only because you got nice tits.
Ruby's face suddenly matched her cloak as she hid in it while Taiyang glared at the screen.
[Several minutes later, Alucard reports back to Sir Weiss Hellsing at the Hellsing mansion headquarters.]
"It's me!" Weiss said, "It seems like you managed to attain a position of high importance," Winter said proudly looking at the Wiess on the screen.
Sir Wiess Hellsing: So, that's your field report?
Alucard: Yup.
Sir Weiss Hellsing: You went on a walk through the forest at midnight.
Alucard: Yup.
Sir Weiss Hellsing: You killed a homicidal vampire priest.
Alucard: Dead.
Sir Weiss Hellsing: And then you turned someone into a vampire, who happened to be a big tittied-
Alucard: Big tittied police girl. Yes! It's like I didn't just get through explaining this. Now if you don't mind, I've got things to do.
Sir Weiss Hellsing: What "things"? You don't do "things".
Alucard: Yes, I do. I take enthusiastic walks through the woods.
Sir Weiss Hellsing: And kill homicidal vampire priests?
Alucard: Very enthusiastic walks.
[black screen with the caption "One Week Later"]
Sir Wiess Hellsing: So, that's your field report?
Alucard: Yup.
Sir Weiss Hellsing: So you broke into the house…
Alucard: Yup.
Sir Weiss Hellsing: …and you shot him thirty-six times?
Alucard: Thirty-seven.
Sir Wiess Hellsing: And took out his partner?
Alucard: To be fair, that was the police girl… with the big titties.
Sir Weiss Hellsing: ...You need to stop going on walks.
Alucard: And you need to hurry up and hook up some god-damned DSL in here!
Sir Weiss Hellsing: Ugh! Listen; you have an assignment in Ireland.
Alucard: Ooooh… I've never hunted down a leprechaun before. Do you think if I shoot them with my gun Lucky Charms will explode everywhere?!
Sir Weiss Hellsing: Sweet Christ! Just get to Ireland, kill the vampire who's taken over the hospital, and bring the police girl with you.
Alucard: Awww, come on! I have to bring her everywhere!
Sir Weiss Hellsing: Ah-ah-ah! None of the sass!
Alucard: Yes, MOM.
"He's like a child" Cinder said
[Italy]
Cardin Winchester: So what can I do for you, Father O'Mally'O'Connel'O'Carrol'O'Reilly'O'Brian'O'Sullivan... ah-who is also Italian?
"I'm a priest?" Cardin said "seems like it" Coco answered "and that guy's name was really long" Nora exclaimed.
Father O'Mally'O'Connel'O'Carrol'O'Reilly'O'Brian'O'Sullivan who is also Italian: [speaking in an Italian accent] Tell-a me, Winchester, what is your favorite thing to do?
Cardin: Spreading the word and love of Jesus Christ to the many people of the world, teaching peace and love for all!
Father O'Mally'O'Connel'O'Carrol'O'Reilly'O'Brian'O'Sullivan who is also Italian: And-a killing-a vampires?
Seeing Cardin's smile taking a manic turn scared them a bit they turned to the Cardin sitting with them who had the same smile on his face.
Cardin: Oh, just try to fucking stop me!
Father O'Mally'O'Connel'O'Carrol'O'Reilly'O'Brian'O'Sullivan: And what about… Protestants?
Cardin: Second verse, same as the first. Now put me on a plane, so I can put'em in a hearse!
Okay, now they were really worried about Cardin's mental health.
[cuts to an abandoned hospital in Ireland with Ruby sitting outside]
Alucard: [shooting ghouls inside the hospital] Hey, Police Girl! Police Girl! This is awesome! You should totally join in! Seriously, there's like… forty zombies in here! Just one shot to the head and they explode! [gunshot] It's just like House of the Dead, only like… a hundred times more awesome!
Police Girl: [bursts through the door] Fine! I'll shoot some of the rotten bastards! Can't be that much fun. [shoots a ghoul and her eyes glow red] Oh, fuck the hell, yes! [kills all the Ghouls while "Feel so Numb" by Rob Zombie plays]
"Awesome!" Ruby yelled "Ruby I think you've been playing too many video games," Qrow said "I agree," Taiyang said gulping
Alucard: Sweet Black fucking Sabbath! If I wasn't holding out for that beast of a woman Weiss, I'd fuck the red right out of those eyes.
s Ruby gets stabbed by holy sacred bayonets in the back] Well… kinda like that, only with less symbolism and more my penis in your vagina. [sniffs around] Huh?! Suddenly it reeks of hypocrisy in here. [Cardin walks in] Oh, if it isn't the Catholic Church! And what's this? No little Timmy glued to your crotch? Progress!
Cardin gritted his teeth in anger while Yang screamed his name in anger all the while Ruby yelled in horror "Other me!".
Cardin: Ah, and look at what we have here? A bloody heathen!
Alucard: Excuse me, but I'm a fuck-mothering vampire! I've killed a lot of people to get this title. I deserve to be called such!
Cardin: Well then, mind if I ask you your name?
Alucard: Only if you give yours first, papist.
Cardin: Fine, I'll give you the courtesy. The name's…
[cuts to the Hellsing]
Ozpin: Cardin Winchester.
Sir Weiss Hellsing: [briefly surprised] Oh, fuck all kinds of duck!
"That isn't what I'd call Jaune vs Cardin Ms. Schnee," Glynda said
[cuts back to Ireland]
Cardin: You have been chosen to reveal my existence to the world. You will witness what happens here today, and you will tell of it later… except you won't... 'cause I killed 'ya! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Cardin smiled just because that runt was a vampire in this doesn't mean he's stronger.
Alucard: Oh, my, brilliant speech… and unoriginal. That's totally from Boondock Saints.
Cardin: What?! No, it isn't! I came up with it a week ago.
Alucard: Whatever. We're here for the vampire.
Cardin: The only one left here is your sorry pale ass.
Police Girl: [recovering from her attack] Ghhhhhh…
Alucard: [to Ruby] Yeah, yeah, give me a minute. [to Cardin] So, what do you want, anyways? The nearest elementary school is at least ten kilometers away.
Cardin: It is your corrupt I claim. It is your evil that will be sought by me with every breath…
Alucard: Boondock... Saints. Seriously, you must watch that movie religiously. Huh-huh… get it?
Cardin: OK, you know what? Fuck it. Knife.
Alucard: Knife? [gets stabbed by two bayonets]
Police Girl: Master!
Alucard: Boom! [shoots Anderson in the head] Headshot. Well, now that that's over, how about we go back to my place for a bowl of my favorite cereal, Count Cho- [decapitated by Anderson while the word "Decapitation" is sung by Jack Black in Brutal Legend in the background]
"Holy shit!" everyone said "how did he survive that," Emerald asked
Police Girl: Master…
Cardin: Well, now that that's over, how about we go back to my place for a bowl of my favorite cereal Frankenbe… [notices that Seras ran away] Son of a Protestant whore! Well, you know what time it is! [draws two bayonets while the word "RAPE" appears on the screen in uppercase white letters]
Taiyang and Everyone who knew Ruby seethed in rage at what Cardin said.
Police Girl: [walking away, bleeding and carrying Alucard's severed head] See... this kind of shit is why I stopped going to church.
Alucard: [Thinking] Police girl… Poli-i-i-ice Girl, you are reading your master's mind. Put my head between your boobs!
Ruby went red again as Taiyang glared at the screen.
Police Girl: [holds Alucard's head close to her chest] Now I'm all alone… The only one I had left was you.
Alucard: [muffled in Seras' breasts] Very good! Now the next thing I want you to do is... put me between your legs! [A bayonet suddenly is wailed at Alucard's head, which impales it into a wall.] God damn it!
Everyone didn't say anything already expecting something to happen Taiyang was actually happy about it.
Cardin: It's a shame for you lost your head. A careless vampire, who wound up dead. You wore your sin like it was some kind of prize. Too many lies… too many lies.
Police Girl: What do I do? What do I do?! I… I could try seducing him… wait, no! I'm not an eight-year-old boy! SHIT!
Ruby looked like she was about to faint.
Cardin: Say your prayers, wee lass!
[Gunshots suddenly are fired and destroy Cardin's bayonets. They were revealed to be fired by Sir Weiss Hellsing.]
"Weiss the rescue!" Ruby said as Weiss made a 'hmph' noise and looked proud of herself.
Sir Weiss Hellsing: That girl belongs to me!
Cardin: Well, aren't you the naughty one?
Yang fake gasped "That's my sister, Ice Queen" Weiss rolled her eyes "shut up"
Sir Weiss Hellsing: Don't make me shoot you in the fucking head!
Sir Weiss Hellsing: What the hell do you want, you crazy protestant bastard?
Sir Weiss Hellsing: I'm a woman.
Sir Weiss Hellsing: Call yourself whatever you want, you crazy protestant bastard.
Sir Weiss Hellsing: You do know this is a grave violation of our agreement.
Cardin: And what part would that be?
Sir Weiss Hellsing: The part where you're here… killing my men!
[Cardin kills Sir Weiss's escorts before attacking her.]
Escort 1: Hua!
Escort 2: Walgh!
Cardin: I have no idea what chou're on about. I'm just here doin' my job! Killin' vampires 'n' werewolves an' leprechauns. I never actually found one but do you think if I cut one open with my knife, it would spill out Lucky Charms?
Sir Wiess Hellsing: Just shut up! Where the hell is Alucard?!
Cardin: Oh, him? I killed him!
Sir Weiss Hellsing: Killed him?
Cardin: Cut off his bloody head!
Sir Weiss Hellsing: Oh! Well, that's step one… what about two through ten?
Everyone blinked owlishly at that sentence.
Cardin: Ah, Christ!
[Alucard regenerates in a shot of splendor and magnificence. (read: Awesomeness)]
"He's alive!" everyone yelled.
Alucard: You done goofed.
Cardin: How the blood-soaked protestant hell did you do that?!
Alucard: Fuck you, that's how.
Cardin: [quickly opens a bible] You know what? I've had enough of this. To hell with all you dirty heathens! [uses the pages to teleport out of the hospital]
Alucard: Eat me! Don't forget to write!
Police Girl: Oh… oh, my God… We survived!
Alucard: Sooo…
Sir Weiss Hellsing: What?
Alucard: Do I get to go after him?
Sir Weiss Hellsing: No.
Alucard: Aw, come on!
Sir Weiss Hellsing: No, and that's final! We've got bigger things to worry about. Whoever's behind these vampire attacks... it has to be some kind of large organized group.
Alucard: Like the White Fang?
Sir Weiss Hellsing: That would be retarded.
Sienna and Adam took offense to that why would they be retarded.
[Meanwhile...]
The Major: Gentlemen… ve… are Vhite Fang!
White Fang: Sieg Heil! Sieg Heil!
The Major: Und ve… vill have var
White Fang: Sieg Heil! Sieg Heil!
The Major: Und ve… und ve… *sneeze*
White Fang: Gesundheit! Gesundheit!
"You're right that is retarded," Qrow said
So how did you the first episode please comment and favorite and follow