Cardin: The following is a fan-based parody. Hellsing Ultimate is owned by Kouta Hirano and Studio Madhouse, and licensed by Geneon, Madman Entertainment, Manga Entertainment, and Funimation. Please support the official release... ya Protestant fuckbucket.
"Swear!" both Ruby and Summer yelled at the screen all of team STRQ except Raven and the professors chuckled at the action remembering the times when Summer was alive.
(Scene: Hellsing Mansion)
Weiss: (answers phone) Hello, Alucard. How was your mission in Japan?
ALUCARD: (intercom) Eh. I'd say ninety-nine...
(Scene: "Highschool of the Dead")
...point nine percent done.
When the scene showed up everyone looked at Jaune, seeing everyone looking at him he asked "What?" Nora then asked, "Why'd you do that?" pointing at the screen "Why'd I do what?" he replied tilting his head in curiosity "Keep that zombie alive?" she clarified "How am I supposed to know?" Jaune threw his hands over his heads in exclamation of his cluelessness.
"Well technically he's you" Pyrrha objected pointing at the screen "weelll..." he stopped to think for a bit "He probably did it for shits and giggles" Team JPR look at Nora "That's sound like something Nora would do" Pyrrha said Ren nodded as Nora looked at them curiously 'act-u-ally" a timid voice stuttered everyone looked behind them to see Velvet pointing at her team leader "th-that sounds like something Coco would do" she said head and ears down.
Coco put her hand over her heart in faux pain "Velvet you wound me, do you think I would actually do such a thing" she told her as everyone thought 'definitely'. Back in the Villain section Emerald was having a conversation with Mercury "That's is definitely something you would do Merc" "Thank you" he replied, she looked back at him "that wasn't a compliment".
In the front Weiss was huffing "so lazy, his mission was to kill all the zombies, but he couldn't kill the last one" Winter and Ironwood agreed with her nodding their heads in unison.
(Scene: Hellsing Mansion)
'Sup, bitch?
"Tch, he should talk with more respect" Weiss said out loud "My sister is not a bitch" Winter said glaring at the screen "well to be fair..." Yang started but then the combined glares of Weiss and Winter stopped her "You're very nice, warm and... huggable?" Yang finished with a nervous grin Weiss crossed her eyes and looked back at the screen.
Weiss: I need to talk to you about some important guests coming today.
"Guests, I wonder who?" Ruby said to herself "Well they seem to be very important" Weiss answered focusing on the events on the screen
ALUCARD: Are they hookers?
Weiss sighed "Of course he would ask that" Jaune somehow hearing her yelled "I would never ask that!" "Good, Mr. Arc I would hate to have to teach you proper speaking" she glared at him as tried to make himself smaller than he was.
Weiss: No.
ALUCARD: And like that you've lost me.
Weiss: They're our financial suppliers.
All the teacher's and Ironwood groaned, Winter just sighed. Seeing their reaction Weiss asked, "What's wrong with financial suppliers" she asked "nothing, nothing" Winter told her "It's just... terribly boring" "Oh" Weiss said, "that doesn't sound great" "it isn't".
ALUCARD: Oh, man! They have to hate us!
"Probably" Weiss said, "Oh no definitely" Yang answered
Weiss: They do. That's why they cancelled our budget.
The teachers sucked their breaths like as if she just delivered a bad burn. "Ooh, that's bad. They need that, right? Mom, they need that, right?" Ruby Asked Summer "Yes; very important" she told Ruby "Thank you, Mom" "Of course, Ruby".
ALUCARD: Ooh, that's bad. We need that, right? Ozpin, we need that, right?
Ozpin: Yes; very important.
ALUCARD: Thank you, Ozpin.
Ozpin: Of course, sir.
"Hey!" Ruby said "They just copied our conversation" she pointed at the screen in mock anger, pouting. Taiyang inched close to Ruby and ruffled her hair "more like you copied theirs's" raised her hands and tried to get Taiyang's meaty palm off head Yang watched the bonding and couldn't help but feel envious she looked at own mother not even sparing a glance at her.
Weiss: Over the last couple of years, we've had some... expensive claims.
Weiss sighed knowing she'll probably get a headache from these claims.
ALUCARD: Like what?
Weiss: First off - property damage.
(Scene: masses fleeing from burning buildings)
(Scene: Hellsing Mansion)
ALUCARD: Good times.
"No!" Jaune yelled "Bad Times!"
Weiss: Dozens of noise complaints.
ALUCARD: (shouting to the sound of loud heavy metal) Sorry! I can't hear you!
"Lower the volume!" Jaune yelled "Wow" Nora said "he really hates Alucard doesn't he" Pyrrha nodded worrying for Jaune's health.
Weiss: Killing at least a dozen innocent people.
Everyone blinked owlishly at that statement unable to come up with a sentence.
ALUCARD: Oh, so did Anthony Hopkins, and he got a fucking Oscar for it!
Jaune was now angry his face was red, and he was gripping the seat grips hard. "That's because he's A MOVIE STAR!" Pyrrha looked at Jaune worryingly "Jaune, you might want to calm down" she said moving her hand up and down.
Weiss: And... all of the sexual harassment.
Everybody blinked as her words processed through their minds Jaune was the first to speak "WHAT!" or yell.
ALUCARD: ...I'm not apologizing.
Jaune was now like a raging bull "YOU SHOULD APOLOGIZE, APOLOGIZE DAMNIT!" it took the rest of team NPR to hold him down from charging at the screen. While team RWBY watched the display of aggression in the front "Wow, he sure is mad" Yang chuckled "He's even angrier than Yang when her hairs cut" Ruby noticed "Well, at least it shows that this Jaune has some decency" Weiss said.
Weiss: Listen, I know this is asking a lot, but...
ALUCARD: Buuut...?
Weiss: I want you to keep yourself locked in the basement until all of them are gone!
"Yes, please" Weiss said she couldn't take any more of this nonsense.
ALUCARD: ...I get the distinct impression you're embarrassed of me.
"Of course, she is!" Jaune said calmed down enough to speak but still huffing.
Weiss: Alucard...
ALUCARD: I'm gonna go with nooo.
"Oh, come on just listen to me!" Weiss said frustrated that Alucard wasn't listening to her wasn't he working under her, he should be following every command.
Weiss: This is important and I don't need you causing another scene!
'Yes' Jaune and Weiss thought.
ALUCARD: I don't have to take this! I'm going for a walk.
'Nononono' Weiss and Jaune thought at the same time.
Weiss: No, you don't!
"Listen to her/me!" Weiss and Jaune yelled at the same time Winter looked at her sister in worry "Calm down" She said in a strict tone Weiss's voice lower a few octaves "but he's my subordinate shouldn't he be listening to me" Weiss told her her hands shaking "You have to remember this is another universe not ours" Winter told her Weiss raised her and said "Right!" in a chipper voice.
With Team JNPR Jaune was having a conversation with his teammates "Why do hate Alucard so much?" Pyrrha "I d-don't know" Jaune said "It's just that he's supposed to be me right, but he acts like the opposite of me" If Jaune was the Knight then Alucard was the Dragon, Where Jaune would drop in to fight Alucard would rather watch not caring and he hated that.
ALUCARD: Oh, what are you going to do? Grab that guy who can stop me? What was his name? Michael McDoesn'texist?
Wiess: (sigh) ...What do you want?
ALUCARD: What~?
"I can't believe I'm doing this" Weiss said putting her head in her hands "Oh, Ice Princess going so low as to bribe people" Yang said "Shut it, you bimbo" Weiss answered before realizing something "Since when was I, Ice Princess I thought I was Ice Queen" "Yeah, but your sister is Ice Queen which makes you Ice Princess". When Winter heard that she gained a tick in her eye before sighing 'she's definitely Qrow's niece' she thought before she heard she looked at Qrow who was chuckling at Yang's explanation and she glared at him.
Weiss: What... do I need to give you... to keep you down here for the evening?
ALUCARD: I'm going to need a new gun. Also one for the police girl.
"Doesn't Ruby already have one?" Blake asked.
POLICE GIRL: (intercom) But I already have a gun.
"See?" Blake said Ruby and Summer gasped in shock "You can't have just one gun!" both yelled at the same time. "But doesn't Cresent Rose also have only one gun" Yang rebutted "but it's also a scythe" Ruby answered crossing her arms and ending the conversation there.
ALUCARD: Get that bitch a cannon! Bitches love cannons.
"Well he isn't wrong" Ruby answered Cresent Rose somehow appearing in her hand Yang lifted her arms Ember Celica locked and loaded. Taiyang was in thought "isn't that some sort of reference I heard it somewhere" surprisingly it was Ms. Goodwitch who answered "it's from a old tv show 'Send that bitch a smiley face, bitches love smiley faces'" team STQ look in shock that Glynda knew the reference.
Weiss: Anything else?
ALUCARD: A 70-inch... plasma widescreen TV.
"Really?" Weiss asked.
Weiss: Really?
ALUCARD: With Netflix.
Weiss: Should it also be 3-D?
ALUCARD: NO! That's a stupid fucking gimmick and everyone knows it!
Jaune nodded his head in agreement it was the one the one thing he could agree with Alucard.
(Title sequence)
Weiss: Hello, gentlemen. Thank you very much for accepting my invitation.
"What's going on?" Ruby asked a bit jarred from the scene change. "This seems to be the conference" Winter answered Ruby's question.
IRONWOOD: Well, considering the direness of your financial security, we thought it was the least we could do.
Weiss: Now before we begin, I was under the impression our budget was handled directly by the Queen.
Weiss's eyes widened at that "What?" she voiced out loud it had been since the Great War that kingdoms dropped Monarchy for a council but still it was a bit surprising to hear. "So, it seems that kingdoms in this world still go by a Monarchy" Ironwood replied, "and that the organization Weiss leads is handled by the Queen" Winter said "It must be very powerful" she finished Summer started to speak "Well it is an organization that kills monsters so it obviously is going to be powerful" everyone nodded agreeing with her sentiment.
Port: Oh, it is. However, we're having a distinctly difficult time justifying some of these expenses.
Weiss sighed "Its Alucard isn't it?".
IRONWOOD: Most of them under the name... "Alucard"…
"of course, I was right" Weiss steeled herself "What, afraid?" Yang asked, "no just steeling myself" Weiss replied
Weiss: (Takes a deep breath) ...Continue.
Port: For example - some of them were frankly labeled, "Entertainment".
"What would he do for entertainment?" Mercury asked himself Cinder and Emerald shrugged unable to come up with answer.
Weiss: "Entertainment"?
OLD ARSEHOLE #3: Quite. Like in my report: £20,000 for a... "Candi".
Ruby face adopted a look of confusion "Why would he spend that much money for some candy?" Qrow looked at her "I don't think it's the candy your thinking about" Summer gave him a distasteful look "Let her keep her innocence for a bit" Summer whispered into Qrow's ear, Qrow shrugged and took out a flask to drink from
OLD ARSEHOLE #4: That's "Candi" with an "I", by the way.
"What?" Ruby inquired not getting the meaning "It's a stripper, Ruby" Weiss told her "Oh" she said before her cheeks went red realizing what Weiss just said "ooooh".
Weiss: I see.
Port: Not to mention the priceless antique car. I believe the note on the claim was: "I thought I could paint it red, but I couldn't find enough goats. So I scrapped it."
Weiss: So that's why we found my father's car covered in goat blood and rammed into a Dairy Queen.
Weiss and Winter didn't know whether to get angry or happy on one hand it was their father's car and the second their father wasn't really that lovable. Adam and Sienna smiled at that destroying Jacques Schnee's priceless antique car why haven't they thought of that before.
IRONWOOD: Oh yes, and then there's also the Dairy Queen, sitting at about £95,000-
Team RWBY and JNPR sighed this was boring where was the action?
Weiss: (simultaneously; thinking) I would do fucking anything right now to get out of this.
Roman snickered "You know" raising his voice to be heard everyone looked at him forgetting that he was even there. "You shouldn't really tempt fate like that" Raven nodded in agreement to the criminal's words.
IRONWOOD: (simultaneously; in background) -in damages, not to mention a hospital for all those other customers of the-
(Scene: outside Hellsing grounds)
Fennec: ...And so half way through blowin' me, the fuckin' hooker OD's on heroin!
"SWEAR!" Ruby and Summer yelled at him, Adam and Ilia's eyes widened at the two people 'that's the Albain Twins' Ilia thought before Adam yelled "What a minute, something's wrong!" "What?" Ilia asked, "Look at them don't realize something is missing!" Adam yelled Ilia squinted at the screen the screen before noticing what Adam found... or didn't find. "Where are there faunus traits?" Ilia rhetorically asked, "I take it that these two are part of White Fang?" Ironwood said mentally jotting down the name Albain in his head "Yes, but there supposed to be faunus unless their humans pretending to be faunus!" Adam yelled, FAUNUS DON'T EXIST IN THIS WORLD "What!" Adam screamed
Corsac: I really don't like discussing my ex-girlfriend with you.
"Okay faunus don't exist in this boohoo now shut up we're missing the show" Roman said. Adam looked at the mastermind in anger.
Fennec: I mean I still finished, but what kind of shit is that?
Corsac: For God sakes, Jan. Think of mother!
Fennec: ...I ain't jerkin' off right now.
Mostly everyone except for the villains recoiled in disgust "Who does that?" Sun yelled disgusted "This man is sick in head" Winter said her mouth in a thin line.
GUARD: Oi, you two. The grounds are currently closed.
"That's not going to stop them" Ruby whispered.
Fennec: Aww, man! That totally sucks! And we came all the way out here with these foreign exchange students on a field trip through England.
"So that's the place this takes place in I never heard of 'England'" Ilia said "probably, because it doesn't exist" Raven said
GUARD: Where from?
(Guns emerge from bus)
Fennec: Texas. (Snaps fingers)
(Guards are shot to death)
"OH MY GOD!" Ruby screamed Summer covered her eyes so she couldn't witness the deaths. "Well I guess Texas has a lot of guns" Roman deduced "My kind of place" he finished.
Aw, shit. Looks like we need more prayer in schools.
Corsac: If you're quite finished, ready the ghouls. I'm going to find Alucard. You overrun the rest of the mansion.
"Why is he going after Alucard?" Ruby said "he probably wants to kill him" Jaune said, in the front Salem smirked Ozpin's eyes widened at the gesture it was the most emotion shown by her throughout the entire viewing. She finally spoke "He won't be able to beat him" she stated Adam looked at her in distaste "I fate that my men even if they are...uh, human they'll be able to beat that man-child" Salem turned and looked at him curiously like as if she was studying him before sinking into her chair and watching.
Fennec: Alrighty. (To subordinates emerging from bus) Attention, all bitches! Off the bus and line up in order! I got a class assignment for all of y'all!
Most of the students gulped at that statement this was one assignment they did not want to do.
(Scene: Hellsing Mansion)
Port: ...And while the mime did survive, he'll never walk again.
"Uh, I hate mimes" Cardin said Velvet nodded and said "yeah" while team CFY, RDL and JNPR looked in shock, awe and horror "did Cardin and Velvet just agree on something" Coco spoke unable to process what just happened "I think so" Ren spoke, just what is this theater doing to them?
(Lights flicker)
IRONWOOD: That's funny; we weren't cutting the power just yet.
"That's because it's a siege" Ironwood spoke.
Weiss: Oh, shit... (Calls front desk) Front desk, report. What's going on?
FRONT DESK CLERK: (intercom) Oh hey, yeah. Hold on. Just give me a second. (footsteps) Whoa. (footsteps) Oh yeah, it's ghouls. Hmm, definitely, definitely-
(Ghoul growls)
"Run" Ruby/Weiss/Jaune shouted at the same time.
OH MY GOD-!
(Squelch; dialtone)
Ruby/Weiss/Jaune cringed at that.
IRONWOOD: Sir Integra, do something!
Weiss: Calm down! We have over 100 trained guards at the premises at all times. We have everything under control.
(Muffled explosion)
"That doesn't sound like under control" Sun said. "What's the point of having guards if they all just die?" Weiss yelled.
IRONWOOD: ...What was that?
Weiss: That was probably the escape chopper exploding. As I was saying, let me just contact communications and get an update. (Calls communications) Communications, come in. We need a full report.
COMMS: (crying through intercom)
Weiss knew something horrible was going happen she could feel it.
Fennec: (intercom) Read the fuckin' paper.
COMMS: (crying) "H-h-hey there... Integra..."
Fennec: READ IT FUCKIN' (slap) RIGHT, COCKHOLE!
COMMS: "Hey there... you... fat, English... whore..."
Adam smiled while the not Villainous audience could feel their anger rising.
Fennec: That's more like it. Now keep goin'.
COMMS: "Me... and my big brother, Luke, are killing... all of your men... and turning them into ghouls... So... I-I... h-hope... you've made peace... with yourself... 'cuz when... I find you... I'm gonna-" ...O-oh God!
Fennec: Keep reading, or I SHOOT THE OTHER TESTICLE!
Everyone in the audience cringed nobody wanted to experience that.
COMMS: (sobbing) "'Cuz when I find you I'm gonna fuck every hole you've gooot...! And then I'm gonna just keep makin' more holes to fu-uck... until there's nothing left but your riddled corpse full of blood... and seme-hen..." Oh God, this is horrible...!
Fennec: You ain't finished yet!
COMMS: (sobbing) "So prepare your dried-up pussy... for my hu-huge vampire co-ho-hock...! Now pardon me, while I blow this faggot ginger's brains out-" OH GOD NO-!
(gunshot)
Fennec: Ha ha ha ha! Oh! His fuckin' face, man! Aha, fuck! Ha ha ha ha! Oh no, that shit is priceless! (hangs up)
"I hope other me kills him" Weiss started strangely calm "Or I'll find a way get there and kill him myself" everyone nodded.
(dialtone)
Weiss: (calls Alucard) Alucard, get up here now! I'm locked in with the committee on the third floor and-
"Yay Alucard to the rescuuu..."
ALUCARD: (intercom) Okay, see, I'm going to have to stop you right there. You see, I'm under direct orders from my boss - who is a total bitch, by the way, (grunts) - that I am not to leave this room until such time as the committee has left the building. I was even bribed. Imagine that.
"uuue?" Ruby finished hearing Alucard's explanation. "Help me/her danmit!" weiss and Jaune yelled at the same time.
Weiss: Alucard, you vampiric asshole, I will-!
ALUCARD: Sounds great, but I'm gonna have to go now. I just queued up an episode of "Adventure Time" on Netflix. Byyye~
("Adventure Time" starts; Alucard hangs up)
Weiss screamed in fustration, why was it when she needed help no one was there to help her.
INTEGRA: (calls Ozpin) Ozpin!
"What will Ozpin do?" Ruby asked looking at him Ozpin didn't say anything instead took a nice, long drink from his mug.
(Scene change: Corsac kills several Hellsing guards)
(Opera music ringtone)
Corsac: (answers phone) Hello, Fennec.
(dead guards collapse)
Fennec: So, how's my favorite big brother doin'?
Corsac: Oh, you know; just killed a group of guards.
Fennec: Shit, bro. You too? What's your kill count at? Nah, don't tell me... (ghouls eating in background) I'm winnin'.
"Oh God!" Winter seeing all the bodies everyone was horrified by the amount of carnage the room was filled with.
Corsac: They were guarding a secret passage way downstairs. Not really keeping it a secret if you keep a bunch of armed guards standing around it.
'I should keep that in mind' Ironwood thought to himself.
Fennec: Well, you have fun with that, bro. I'm gonna go skullfuck that Hellsing bitch. And the old guys. Ah, fuck it. Skullfuckin' for everyone! Come 'ere, ghoul!
Everyone's grip tightened oh how they want to kill this dude.
(ghoul groaning, squelch)
Corsac: (hangs up) Well, you can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family.
Weiss sighed agreeing with him "Ah, how true"
(Scene change)
Weiss: Alright. Ozpin and his assistant should be here any second now.
IRONWOOD: But if there's no way to get upstairs, how are they going to- (hit by roof panel) Ah!
(Police Girl falls on top of Ironwood)
POLICE GIRL: (simultaneously) Ah! Whoa!
IRONWOOD: (simultaneously) Ah!
Ozpin: Talley-ho!
Weiss: Good to see you, Ozpin.
Ozpin: Of course, sir.
Ruby giggled a little at the display.
Weiss: The first two floors have been entirely overrun. Communications with the outside have been cut off, we lost all our men, and Alucard is being...
Ozpin: Alucard?
Weiss: A total ass, yes. Now tell me, do you have any plans?
Ozpin: Of course, sir. I shall do exactly as the butler does... and tidy up.
After seeing everyone heard Yang sing "epic butler moment~".
(Scene change)
Fennec: I don't give a shit, I don't give a fuck
I don't give a shit! I don't give a fuck!
Now if I give a shit, I might just give a fuck
But I don't give a shit, so I don't give a-!
(Subordinates instantly sliced to death)
...Fuck was that?
"GO Ozpin" Team RWBY yelled Ozpin smiled at the chant until Ms. Goodwitch threatened to give them detention if they don't be quiet.
Ozpin: Hello. My name is Ozpin C. Dornez, ex-vampire hunter and butler to the Hellsing Organization. I answer the door, I clean up the estate, and I take out the trash... and I also kill self-entitled little twats like yourself.
"WooHoo!" Team RWBY yelled.
Fennec: Well, ain't you just the textbook fuckin' definition of classy! But guess what, Jeeves, (snaps fingers and armored subordinates emerge) that garrote wire won't do shit for dick against armor this thick! What's that, Alfred? "How thick is it?" Well, half as thick as mah dick! So thick enough that you need a fuckin' anti-tank rifle to pierce it, and I don't even see a piece on your wrinkly old ass.
Ozpin: Police Girl, if you may.
(view pans back to Police Girl with an anti-tank rifle)
POLICE GIRL: Bitches love cannons! (fires at armored subordinates)
"HELL YEAH!" Ruby and Yang yelled.
Fennec: Oh fuck, that's an anti-tank rifle... OH FUCK, THAT'S AN ANTI-TANK RIFLE!
"Get Rekted Son!" Jaune prompting weird looks.
(Police Girl fires again)
(Scene change)
(Jake laughing on the TV, which is then destroyed when Corsac makes his entrance)
"Hey" Jaune accused "That was a 70-inch plasma screen TV!". "He really likes that TV" Pyrrha told Nora
ALUCARD: ...That was a 70-inch... plasma screen TV. (deep breath) ...So, how can I help you?
Corsac: You must be the great Alucard.
ALUCARD: 'Suup.
Corsac: I've heard quite a lot about you.
ALUCARD: Oh really?
Corsac: The night walker... who glides through oceans of blood. Beyond human. A monster whose power radiates with a darkness that casts a shadow on darkness itself!
"Those are some title's" Ms. Goodwitch said.
ALUCARD: Oh, you dirty bitch, work the shaft!
'What!' everyone thought.
Corsac: Ex...cuse you?
ALUCARD: Oh I'm sorry, I, heh, I like to dirty talk when someone's sucking my dick!
"Well, it's true" Roman said.
Corsac: Perhaps I should just skip to my point. My name is Corsac Albain.
Ironwood mentally filed away the name of the White Fang soldier.
ALUCARD: And I'm Carmen Sandiego. Guess where I am!
"That sounds like a cartoon character?" Taiyang said "don't know, her last name sound like a place" Summer spoke.
Corsac: I'm trying to have a serious conversation with you here.
ALUCARD: Oh, so am I. And I'm failing. And I'm sorry for that. It's just that I'm so agitated, because this little shit strolled into my room, destroyed my 70-inch plasma TV, and is trying to impress me like I'm his alcoholic father!
Mercury sucked his breath that was a low blow right there.
(Corsac & Alucard aim their guns at each other)
Be a sport and grab Daddy another beer, would you?
Okay now he was just antagonizing the guy.
(gunshot; scene change)
Fennec: (grunts)
POLICE GIRL: Arm bars everywhere!
"Go, me!" Ruby yelled while Weiss sighed.
Fennec: (simultaneously) Ah, let go of me, stupid bitch!
Yang's eyes went red "my sister is not a bitch!" she yelled.
Ozpin: (simultaneously) That's quite impressive. Where did you learn that hold?
POLICE GIRL: Oh wow, it's almost like I'm a police girl or something!
Ozpin: Sarcasm is unbecoming of you.
"It is unbecoming of you Miss. Rose" Ruby looked down bashfully "Sorry".
Fennec: Wow. Gee willikers, mister. I sure am sorry for slaughterin' all your guards and tearin' up your mansion. I promise I've learned my les-(Ozpinstomps on his hand) AH! Fuck! Take a joke, asshole!
Ozpin: And everything you say just pisses me off! Now you're going to tell me everything I want to know.
Everyone nodded Weiss mouthed kill him.
Fennec: Alright, alright. What you do... is you go down to the local pharmacy, ask for something called "Viagra", and it'll help ya GO FUCK YOURSELF!
"Is every sentence he says vulgar" Winter said "yes" Yang answered.
Ozpin: (grunts)
(Ghouls suddenly appear)
"Oh no!" team RWBY.
Ozpin: (gasps)
(Police Girl grunts as Fennec escapes her grasp)
Fennec: And now for the upcoming company picnic. Unfortunately, all your douche bag coworkers are bringin' is their own rotten flesh. Still better than potato salad if you ask me. Now ifin you don't mind, I'ma go eat that Hellsing bitch!
"Wait how is rotten flesh better than potato salad?" Ruby unable to get it "Maybe vampires have different taste buds" Jaune said. Ruby thought a bit before taking the explanation.
Ozpin: (throws garrote wire at Fennec's arm) I've got your arm!
Fennec: (continues running despite his arm being cut in half) So shove it up your ass! Aha ha ha ha ha!
"OH MY GOD!" everyone yelled 'how is still moving'?
(Opens door to meeting between Integra and financiers, only to find they all have guns trained on him)
...Well that's not fair at all.
Weiss: I'm sorry. We don't give a fuck.
"I'm sorry. We don't give a fuck" Weiss said simultaneously before Winter glared at her.
(gunfire)
Fennec: (multiple times) Fuck! (once) Motherfuckin' cunt with a fuckin' titty! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! (slumps against the wall as gunfire ceases) Fuck! Ahg, where the fuck did my ghouls go?
Ozpin: Oh, they've been dealt with.
(flashback to Police Girl killing ghouls in a blood rage)
"Whoa" Ruby said astonished at her own badassery "Go Ruby!" Yang cheered.
Fennec: Well, least I'm gonna die with a raging boner.
Weiss: All right, shit-for-brains, you're going to spill every single thing you know or I'm going to have Walter here peel your dick like a banana!
"Geeze, Dom much Weiss?" yang asked while Weiss hmphed and looked away.
Fennec: (giggles) I don't know what's fuckin' funnier: The fact that you think that your titless ass intimidates me, or that you think my boss would let me live if ya did.
"I should look intimidating" Weiss said glaring until she heard stifling laughter.
(sets himself on fire)
AND NOW I'M ON FUCKIN' FIRE! SO NOW IT'S FREE GAME! (flips the bird) The one who sent me... WAS...! ...WhiteFaaang...!
"Really now giving them information!" Adam yelled "can never trust humans" he told himself.
(Fennec dies and turns into a steaming pile of ash)
Weiss: ...I heard George Lucas. Who else heard George Lucas?
Ozpin: I heard Miami Heat.
POLICE GIRL: I herd the Mötley Crüe with my vampire hearing.
"What? But he said White Fang?" Ruby asked Ozpin replied, "It seems their brains can't handle it, so they hear something else".
Weiss: Wait a second... where's the big brother?
"Now you're asking that?" Weiss told herself and facepalmed.
(Scene change: Corsac appears to have the upper hand in the shoot-out against Alucard)
"Oh no! Alucard" Ruby yelled with worry uneasiness showed on everyone's face except Adam who was internally cheering 'see Corsac in beating him, take that Grimm Witch'.
Corsac: You can't touch me! I was hand-crafted to kill you! My speed, my stamina, my power all rival... nay, dwarf yours! In comparison to you, I am a demigod!
"Okay, now he's just asking to die" Cinder said before rolling her eyes.
ALUCARD: (seemingly headless) Really? ...Really?
Corsac: Really.
ALUCARD: Really?!
Corsac: Really!
ALUCARD: (head re-emerges) REALLY?!
Corsac: REALLY!
"Really?" Ruby said unsure of what's going on.
ALUCARD: Release restraint to level one.
Corsac: Level what?
'Level what?' everyone thought.
(Alucard changes form and shoots Corsac in the leg)
Agh! Agh! Fuck!
DEMONIC!ALUCARD: You know they say that TV makes you violent. But I'd say not having my TV IS MAKING ME PRETTY FUCKING VIOLENT! (shoots Corsac in the other leg)
Ruby could feel the dark malice and hatred through the screen "sca-ca-cary" Ruby stuttered as she tried to hide herself in her cloak. In another part of the theater some else was having very different thoughts Salem could feel the demonic aura around Alucard it was so Hot~ Salem felt her herself get wet a little.
Corsac: Aaaaggh! (falls next to the staircase) I'm near the stairs. Gotta get to the stairs. If I could just get up the stairs, I- (as view pans up the long staircase) ...Aaawwwwwwwww fuck.
"Yep, you're fucked" Qrow told Corsac.
D!ALUCARD: Come on! You were talking all that good shit a second ago, then I blew your FUCKING legs off!
Corsac: (terrified) But I... You...! What the fuck?!
D!ALUCARD: What's wrong, "demigod"? Just grow back your legs! (crushes dead leg stump) Summon up your demons! HIT ME! FIGHT ME! Give me a hug!
"What?" Ruby.
Corsac: ...Really?
(Alucard grins before proceeding to eat Luke alive)
Oh God no-!
"See I told you he would win" Salem told Adam who was internally cursing her.
(Scene change: Integra and financiers are listening to the confrontation through the intercom)
Corsac: (dying throughout the scene)
D!ALUCARD: Hey, we're here on Epic Meal Time! I'm the Sauceboss! And tonight, we're eating this little wannabe demigod bitch!
IRONWOOD: Who... is that exactly?
"Oh, you know A REAL FUCKING VAMPIRE!" Yang yelled quoting the last showing.
Weiss: Oh, that's Alucard, the one we talked about earlier. This is what happens when he has to entertain himself. Oh, so what was that issue about funding?
IRONWOOD: Issue?
Port: What issue?
PENWOOD: I don't see an issue.
OLD ARSEHOLE #3: Shut up and take our money!
Winter "Scaring your financial suppliers into dropping your budget issues" Weiss looked down scared of what she would "I approve" Winter finished "What?" Weiss asked while she looked up.
(Scene change)
ALUCARD: (intercom) Ah, and just like that, everything turned out alright in the end.
Weiss: Yes, everything turned out just fine... except that 90% of our staff were killed, turned into ghouls, then killed again by the police girl in a blood rage.
POLICE GIRL: What's a blood rage? (intercom) And why don't I remember anything?
"What's blood rage?" Ruby asked.
ALUCARD: That reminds me - for whatever reason, did we ever find out who sent them? (beat) ...It was the White Fang, wasn't it?
Weiss: No.
ALUCARD: Bet you I'm right.
Weiss: Bet you you're wrong.
ALUCARD: Bet you you're a skank.
Weiss: Bet you you're an asshole!
ALUCARD: BITCH I EAT PEOPLE!
"So?" Weiss shrugged.
Im Tired