I DO NOT OWN HELLSING ULTIMATE NOR HELLSING ULTIMATE ABRIDGED
After the last episode ended everyone was talking about it. "Did you see what happened! Corsac shot like, PEW-PEW-PEW and then Alucard went I'm going to eat you, gobble-gobble-gobble!" Ruby spoke animatedly. "Yeah, I can't wait for the next episode!" Yang yelled pumping her fist up and down. BEFORE WE BEGIN. Everyone looked up and what was going to happen? Suddenly a gold orb pulled itself from the screen and positioned itself on one of the seats. The gold orb POPPED!
And fell out a young boy with dark skin wearing farmer's clothes. His body fell onto the seat and slumped down. A line of drool from flowing from his mouth signifying that he was out. Everyone looked at the boy curiously before his eyes start to open. He looked around and said "Oh, I'm here already" "you knew you were coming here?" Ozpin asked or more like stated.
Oscar nodded "The disembodied voice gave me all the information" he said "and what might your name be, young man?", "Oscar, Oscar Pines" Ozpin's eyes widened at that 'could he be...?' WHILE I LIKE HEARING ABOUT OUR NEW GUEST THE EPISODE'S ABOUT TO BEGIN. Everyone looked at the screen to see it was indeed starting up.
FENNEC: The following is a fan-based parody. Hellsing Ultimate is property of Kouta Hirano and Studio Madhouse...? The fuck is this?! You assholes brought me back from the dead to read this legal bullshit?! No no no no no no. FUCK. THAT! If I'm gonna come back to life to read a fucking line, then it's gonna be my kind of fucking line.
"Oh god," Winter said pinching her nose in annoyance. "Why is this guy doing the disclaimer!" Weiss yelled.
(Clears throat)
My THROBBING VAMPIRE DICK is a fan-based parody. Its SHAFT, BALLS and SCROTUM are property of me, FENNEC ALBAIN. And whatever bitch I happen to be giving it to at the time. Please support MY DICK by helping with its official release. You know you want to...
"Uh, no I don't think so" Yang said in disgust "Why what did he say?" Ruby asked, she didn't hear because her father and mother were covering her ears and eyes with her cloak "You don't need to know" Summer said uncovering Ruby's head.
(flashback)
"Whoa what is this place?" Nora asked looking at the setting. "It seems to be some type of war" Ironwood replied. "War?" Blake asked Ozpin nodded he knew the signs of a battlefield and this was one.
NICHOLAS HELLSING: Vampire king...
"Grandpa Nick?!" Weiss and Winter shouted looking at the man who had Alucard by the collar. "Wait?" Yang looked at the screen to look at the man who defeated Alucard "That guy is your grandfather?" she yelled. "More importantly" Nora cut in "did you hear what he said?" Everyone looked at her "He called Fearless Leader, Vampire King!" Nora shouted "Which means Jauney's king of the castle, Jauney's king of the castle!" Nora sang. "Wait, look!" Ruby cut in, the screen showed Jaune bloody and bruised "It seems the Vampire king has been defeated" Weiss said with a smirk.
ALUCARD: (groaning)
NICHOLAS HELLSING: You lay upon ze blood-soaked dirt of your ruined land. Castles plundered... dominions in ruin... servants destroyed - all to end ze hellfire wis which you sought to cover ze world. A bloody conquest having consumed hundreds of thousands, countless villages razed to ze ground, and over 20,000 impaled and prostrated by you and you alone to strike horror into the hearts of mortal men! Vhat say you, monster, demon, devil conceived by the bleakest womb?! WHAT SAY YOU NOW?!
No one had words to describe the it was like his very presence oozed of superiority, his voice seemed to make the earth itself tremble "Holy shit" Yang whispered
ALUCARD: (Beat) ...The Aristocrats.
The sound of facepalming can be heard in the audience "Of course he'd say that" Weiss muttered.
NICHOLAS HELLSING: Durgh! (he strikes Alucard, after which the flashback ends and Alucard wakes up in the Hellsing Mansion)
Everyone exhaled "So it was a dream" Glynda said. "I hope I'm never in that position" Jaune said.
ALUCARD: Oh God... It's orientation day!
"What does he mean by that?" everyone thought.
(Scene change)
WEISS: Listen close. You've all been subcontracted as personal bodyguards to the Hellsing Organization. As you've heard, we deal with special interest targets: Terrorists, cultists, and individuals who believe themselves to be of... (titters)... a mystical persuasion.
"So these are the men are supposed to compensate for the lack of security" Weiss thought out loud.
WILD GEESE: (laughing)
"They seem less competent than the last guards" Weiss said with a twitching eye. "Wait a minute" Oscar cut in "That's me!"
OSCAR PINE: Well... is there anything else we should be informed about the facility?
WEISS: Everything you need to know has already been covered in the briefing.
ALUCARD: HEY-KIDS, WANNA-SEE-A-DEAD-BODY?!
WILD GEESE: (screaming)
Yang and Taiyang burst out in laughter "OH MY GOD!" Yang shouted wiping a tear from her face "That's hilarious!" Taiyang finished for her before he started coughing. Summer patted his back "Remember to breathe honey" Summer chastised Ruby did the same to Yang unbeknownst to them a certain tribe leader was glaring at them.
(Title sequence)
WILD GEESE: (still screaming)
WEISS: STOP SCREAMING!
WILD GEESE: (whimpering like dogs)
"Wow, playing the alpha female role are we?" Yang teased Weiss smirked "Of course, they need to know who's in charge after all".
ALUCARD: So what's up with the pride meeting?
WEISS: They're a mercenary group contracted to replace all the soldiers we lost in the Valentine brothers'-
"If they are, there making a bad impression they seem more like a gang than a military group" Ironwood didn't hide his distaste for mercenaries.
ALUCARD: Wait... are these guys French?
"What so bad about being French?" Oscar exclaim bit miffed about Ironwood and Weiss's comments. "It seems that they aren't the most...reliable military force in this world" Ozpin inquired.
WEISS: We were forced to post mortality rates. They're the only ones who applied.
ALUCARD: We are really scraping the bottom of the barrel here.
OZPIN: Sir Integra, I apologize; I tried to stop him. But when I pleaded with him, he merely responded with, and mind my French, (to Oscar) no offense...
OSCAR: Some taken.
OZPIN: ..."Fuck the police". He then proceeded to tilt every painting he passed on the way here.
ALUCARD: (maniacal laughter)
WEISS: (sigh), Oh God. Walking through that hallway is going to give me such a headache now.
Glynda rubbed her forehead "I sympathize with you, Ms. Schnee" remembering all the times she found a tilted painting, the perfectionist in her couldn't leave it be. "Finally someone agrees with me!" Weiss exclaimed
OZPIN: Speaking of headaches, a very curious letter arrived for you in the mail.
WEISS: Russel Thrush? That filthy, slimy, arrogant, Italian PIECE OF SH-! (Scene change) Maxwell, oh it's been fartoo long.
"Talk about mood change" Yang snickered, Weiss gave Yang a sweet smile and whispered something into her ear. Yang seemed to immediately turn to stone. Seeing her big sister's reaction Ruby asked her "What did Weiss tell you?" Yang looked and immediately said "Nothing" a bit too fast "Weiss, what did you tell Yang?" Ruby asked her best friend. "It's a girl secret" She replied giving Yang another sweet smile causing her to shiver. "But I'm a girl!" Ruby replied indignantly "Maybe your older" Weiss said.
RUSSEL: I agree. You're no longer that little girl I used to know. Look at all those lines on your face.
Everyone in the audience gasped, Adam and Torchwick burst out in laughter. A twitch mark appeared on Weiss's forehead while Russel smirked.
WEISS: And look at all the brown on your nose. How is the Pope doing?
Weiss's words wiped Russel's smirk off his face. All Weiss had a victorious smile on her face.
RUSSEL: Better than your failing church.
Weiss stopped smiling while the smirk appeared back on Russel's face.
WEISS: Well, not all of us can exploit illegals.
Weiss smiled while Russel grit his teeth.
RUSSEL: But you don't waste time making money off Rupert Murdoch!
Weiss grit her as well while glaring at Russel. Nora then yelled "Hey, look there's Allie!" using her new nickname for Alucard.
ALUCARD: Honestly, if you're going to have a dickfighting competition with a woman, you must have started off with the world's cruelest handicap. Which I'm sure benefits the 9 year-old boy you have chained up in your private Vatican jet. Which was paid for how? Oh right! Generous donations from your followers to spread the word of God... all over his back.
"AAAOOOOH!" Everyone yelled at the burn, Russel gaped like a fish before a snapping noise was made. Everyone looked at the source of the sound to see Glynda with her riding crop and an ominous purple aura surrounding her "Everyone please be quiet, some people are trying to watch" Glynda's glasses glinted from the screen light and untold promises of pain and trembling seem to quiet down the room.
RUSSEL: (crushes his glasses) WINCHESTEER!
Everyone focused on the screen "Oh god, is insane Cardin coming back?!" Ruby yelled
CARDIN: Serve the Lord with fear and rejoice with trembling.
"AHHH, ITS HIM ITS DEFINITELY HIM!" Ruby screamed before hiding her cloak let's just say she developed a fear after seeing herself nearly die to him.
ALUCARD: You got me a present?!
Weiss gawked at him "How can he think of him as a present?!".
CARDIN: Kiss the son lest he be angry, and ye perish from the way... when his wrath is kindled but a little!
(Alucard and Cardin laugh in a disturbing manner)
"Okay, are you two going to fight or fuck?" Nora interjected Jaune and Cardin looked at her gaping unable to convey words. "I think it's the same between them" Winter said.
POLICE GIRL: Right this way, group B! That's right! Right'n front'a everyone else! You're 80! You're used to it. We're going to look at art and paintings, which I believe are also art. I don't know! I'm Cockney! I'm uncultured!
"it's okay as your best friend I'll help you" Weiss huffed in a determined tone, Ruby adopted a look of horror she turned to look at the rest of her family who turned a blind-eye to situation she then turned to Blake in a silent plea help, Blake didn't answer.
ALUCARD: Uhh. Welp, my boner's gone.
"Oh, definitely" Roman said.
CARDIN: Aye. Kind of a mood killer.
"I agree" Yang said not paying attention to Ruby who was currently burning holes through her back.
ALUCARD: Wanna try this again some other time?
CARDIN: Of course! Kill you later, ya monstrous heathen.
ALUCARD: You too, you Catholic sociopath. Whoops, tautology!
RUSSEL: ...You want some coffee?
WEISS: I'd love some.
"Wow, Weiss talk about mood change" Yang taunted.
(Scene change)
WEISS: So... the letter you sent never specified the purpose of this meeting.
RUSSEL: Consider this a business transaction. I have two pieces of information that I wish to trade with you.
"Information, what information would that be?" Weiss asked herself.
WEISS: And what would those be?
RUSSEL: The true identity of The White Fang.
Everyone's eyes widened as they looked at the White Fang compatriots in the audience. Adam grit his teeth in anger.
WEISS: Who?
RUSSEL: The organization who assailed your compound.
WEISS: Oh yeah; there was some debate over that.
RUSSEL: And the whereabouts of said White Fang.
"He knows there location?!" Weiss shouted. "He probably wants something exchange, there's no way giving that for free" Roman said.
WEISS: And what could you possibly want in exchange?
RUSSEL: Oh, nothing major. Just two simple apologies from you and your subordinate known as "TheCrimsonFuckr"! Also known as Alucard.
"An apology from Weiss?, would have more luck trying to get into her pants" Yang said. While Weiss sputtered.
WEISS: ...So you want an apology from me.
RUSSEL: I figured, but didn't want to assume.
WEISS: And, by chance, what would I have to apologize to the Iscariot Organization for?
"Yes what do I need to apologize for?" Weiss snarked.
RUSSEL: Well, originally I'd ask you to apologize for being a scum-sucking,blaspheming, ignorant, Protestant pig sow! But in this case, the sins of your pet vampire are of greater concern.
"What did he do this time?!" Weiss said "Shh, let's find out" Yang said hoping to calm her down.
WEISS: What did he do this time?
RUSSEL: Over the last couple of years, he has sent no less than 200 death threats to the Pope. By carrier pigeon, no less! They just... fly right into the Vatican! The latest one read as such... (clears throat) "Dear Chief Replacement..."
ALUCARD: (continues reading letter) "I wanted to send you this friendly little letter to inform you of your imminent demise. If you're curious about the frequency of which I've sent these letters, it is merely to instill as much fear as I can. As if basting a turkey. Which I will then proceed to have sex with."
"That's right."
"I'm going to FUCK the fear turkey."
"Follow me on Twitter TheCrimsonFuckr!"
RUSSEL: "Sincerely, Alucard".
"I wonder if he's real?" Ruby told herself before whipping out her scroll "Holy shit, he is!". "Don't swear" Summer admonished "Sorry, but he's real!" Ruby said a few decibels lower.
WEISS: ...I can't help but ponder the frightful headway we'd make if he put that sort of energy into his job.
"All the world's vampires would probably go extinct" Ozpin deduced
RUSSEL: Soo... that apology~?
Yang picked up her scroll to record what was going to happen "I need to hear this" Yang explained.
WEISS: (sigh)... I'm sor- (Scene: Hellsing Mansion) So that's where they are.
"Wow can't even say sorry, you really are Ice Queen's sister" Qrow said.
OZPIN: Interesting. But do you think Alucard will go?
WEISS: Not as long as it's an order.
OZPIN: I think I have an idea...
"Oh, this backfire on us so bad isn't it," Glynda said. "Now, now have some faith in my counterpart" Ozpin Rebutted.
(Scene change)
OZPIN: Did you know you have vacation days?
ALUCARD: I have vacation days!? You mean I can leave anytime I want and not get yelled at over the phone? Because seriously, it's always over the phone! Mostly because I don't like to argue with her in person. I get a boner. It's super awkward.
Weiss made a strangling noise in her mouth that sound like a kitten while everyone except Jaune burst out laughing.
OZPIN: Quite.
ALUCARD: Well, that settles it. I'm going traveling!
OZPIN: Yes, you can go anywhere you wish... except for Brazil. Sir Weiss was quite insistent that you never visit Brazil.
"He's going to Brazil isn't he" Weiss said rhetorically "Of course its reverse psychology" Summer said.
(Beats)
ALUCARD: Takin'-the-police-girl-and-the-Frenchman.
(Scene: Hellsing private jet)
OSCAR: So where is the police girl?
ALUCARD: Oh you know, she's downstairs.
OSCAR: Isn't that the cargo hold?
"Why would I be in the cargo hold?" Ruby questioned.
POLICE GIRL: (muffled; weeping) I have a fear of flying, coffins, and tight place-heess...!
"The why are you in all three?!" Weiss yelled not really getting the logic.
(Scene: Brazil)
ALUCARD: Jesus wants a hug!
Surprisingly it was Summer who spoke up "Hey you take that back!" she yelled at the screen "Wait you believe in God?" Ruby asked, "yep, I pray to Him every time you went on a mission," she said. Ruby's eyes widened as she learned something about her mom she didn't know before.
HOTEL CLERK: There we are - a regular two bedroom.
ALUCARD: Hilarious. No, I want the penthouse.
" He thinks he can get the penthouse by asking?" Winter said eyebrows raised, "He's probably got some neat trick up his sleeve," Ironwood said crossing his arms
HOTEL CLERK: I'm... sorry, sir. Mr. Chevy Chase currently has that room reserved.
ALUCARD: (echo) I said... (normal voice) you want to give me the penthouse.
HOTEL CLERK: I... want to give you the penthouse.
"OH MY GOD, just how many powers he have?!" Weiss yelled, "HAX, I CALL HAX!" Sun said. "Well he is a vampire" Ruby "But, vampires don't that many powers!" Weiss told. "Silly Weiss" Nora interrupted "UH!?" "It's because he's the Vampire King".
ALUCARD: And you want to kick out Chevy Chase because he's an asshole.
HOTEL CLERK: And I want to kick out Chevy Chase because he's an asshole.
ALUCARD: See this, Frenchie? I can make him say whatever I want. (to clerk) White Chicks was amazing.
HOTEL CLERK: White Chicks was amazing!
ALUCARD: He believes it too!
OSCAR: Eugh!
"Eugh!" nearly all the audience went except Ruby who said, "I liked that movie," she said "That's why we don't ask you to pick movies," Blaske said.
(Scene change)
SPY: Scarlet Tampon to Sticky Sock. TheCrimsonFuckr has checked in. I repeat: TheCrimsonFuckr has checked in. Also, I'm choosing the goddamn nicknames next time!
Roman burst out laughing "HAHAHA, I'm going to have to name some thugs after that" he said wiping a tear from his face.
OSCAR: So, if zis doesn't sound weird... would you... maybe like to get a drink later? Hit up a club?
ALUCARD: You're not my friend, you're my body guard. Make it past two weeks, I might learn your name. Until then, you're spare blood.
"Hey!" Oscar yelled "I was trying to be nice!" he pouted.
OSCAR: Jeez, fine!
ALUCARD: Also, tell that guy to stop spying on me; it's creepy!
"HA, guess Scarlet Tampon was caught" Yang shrugged while Weiss made her disgust of that name clear with her facial expressions.
SPY: Shit-shit-shit!
ALUCARD: Now that I'm all by myself... I can just kick back and reeeela-
(Scene change; sirens and shouting heard on TV)
REPORTER: Shots fired from the penthouse suite on the top floor.
"What, he got in trouble again!" Weiss yelled exasperated.
OSCAR: (during broadcast) What?
REPORTER: The initial SWAT team has not reported back, leading officials to fear the worst.
(Oscar does a beer spittake)
(Scene change)
REPORTER: The terrorist duo inside is comprised of a young British woman, and some Ozzy Osbourne-looking motherfucker.
CARDIN: (during broadcast) Ah ha ha, ah ha ha ha.
(Scene: Hellsing Mansion)
WEISS: On the phone. Get-him-on-the-phone! I-want-him-on-the-phone-RIGHT-NOW!
(Scene change)
(Ringtone)
ALUCARD: Hold on a minute, I gotta take this.(answers phone) Yello~?
WEISS: What. Did you do?
ALUCARD: Alright. (beat) But you can't be mad at me.
WEISS: What. Did you do?
ALUCARD: Okay, first... I was minding my own business.
WEISS: BULLSHIT!
"BULLSHIT!" nearly everyone cried.
ALUCARD: I waaas!
WEISS: And exactly what happened whilst you were "minding your own business"?
"Yes. Please tell us!?" Winter asked her patience waning.
ALUCARD: So, I was just chillaxin' in my room like a baller, then all of a sudden these shmucks kicked in my door!
(Flashback: SWAT team makes forced entry into Alucard's room)
(present) One of them yelled out:
SWAT GUY: (flashback) Get on your knees!
ALUCARD: (present) And I responded with: (flashback) I'M NOT YOUR MOTHER LAST NIGHT! (present) ...And they took exception to that.
SWAT GUY: (flashback) Aaargh!
(SWAT team shoot Alucard down to a bloody pulp)
The non-villainous group gulped while they knew he wasn't dead it still wasn't a pretty sight to see.
ALUCARD: (present) But, you know how that song and dance goes...
SWAT GUY: (flashback) Huh?
(Alucard decimates the team down to a man)
ALUCARD: (present) ...Aaand I killed all but one of them.
WEISS: What happened to the last one?
(Flashback: Remaining operative whimpers in fear before firing a bullet in his own head)
ALUCARD: (present) Pussed out like a bitch! Silver lining - I can cancel my room service!
"So, he didn't actually do anything," Ruby said sticking up to her friend even in another universe.
(Scene change)
(Sirens and shouting)
OFFICER: So, we've sent like, 10 guys up there and we haven't heard back. Think everything's alright?
DANDY MAN: Naturalmente, don't worry about it. Of course everything's fine.
"Oooooh, I'm a vampire," Torchwick said "It seems you are the one who staged the attack" Winter glared at the criminal."
OFFICER: Well... no matter what we're still going to get our immortality, right?
"Immortality?, wait did I bribe them with immortality?" Roman asked before bursting into laughter.
DANDY MAN: Buddy, my friend, do I look like the kinda guy who would go back on an agreement? By the way... you may want to send more men.
"Yes", "definitely" chorused around the room while Roman pouted.
OFFICER: Well, that sounds reasonable.
"And that shows how dumb these guys are," Jaune told.
(Scene change)
ALUCARD: (in-between feeding on the SWAT team) You've been like, really quiet for like, five minutes. (feeding) Oh I know why you're angry! It's because I went to Brazil, isn't it?
WEISS: Alucard... put the police girl on the phone.
ALUCARD: Really? You want to talk to- ...Okay, fine. Whatever. (muffled; to Ruby) Take the fucking call.
POLICE GIRL: (muffled) What does she want?
ALUCARD: (muffled) I don't fucking know, she wanted to talk to you. I'm going for a walk. (closes door)
POLICE GIRL: 'Ello?
WEISS: Whatever you do, do not let Alucard leave that room, under any circumstance!
POLICE GIRL: Actually, he just left. He said he was going for a walk.
WEISS: NOOO!
"NOOO!" Weiss yelled like her on screen-counterpart.
(Scene: Alucard walks into a hallway with multiple SWAT guns trained on him)
ALUCARD: Hey guys, how's your health plan? (Operatives fire at will) APPARENTLY, IT'S GREAT! (proceeds to massacre operatives)
WEISS: (in despair) Ozpin... be honest with me... What are we looking at in terms of collateral?
OZPIN: Well... (Scene: Alucard exits full of dead operatives) ...the Alucard amount.
"Oh, oh- my god" Glynda forced out as everyone looked at the amount of destruction that Alucard was causing in shock and fear.
(Bystanders scream as the massacre continues outside)
DANDY MAN: I heard you know how to make an entrance. If I had known you were going to do all this, I'd have hung some Union Jacks for you.
"How are you so calm about this!?" Ruby yelled at Torchwick "you tricked those guys and made go to their deaths" "not my fault there so dumb" Torchwick replied while Ruby glared at him.
ALUCARD: Hold on... did you put all this on for me? Who are you?
DANDY MAN: I am Roman Torchwick, or the "Dandy Man". I may or may not have fed a lie to the local policia that in return for your capture, I would give them immortality.
ALUCARD: And they fuckin' bought that?
DANDY MAN: Like discount peixe.
ALUCARD: (amused) You cheeky dick-waffle! So then, what's the deal?
DANDY MAN: A cute choice of words. I wish to play a card game, vampiro.
ALUCARD: What, we talking 52 Pickup?
DANDY MAN: Noo; more like 52 CUTUP!
"Cool, I can control cards" Torchwick exclaimed.
(Dandy Man and Alucard commence hostilities)
ALUCARD: Hit mee~! Whoop!
WEISS: (watching the TV) Oh my God, why are they doing this outside?! (battle continues) Well at least he's just dodging them. (Alucard continually fires bullets (which miss and kill the police instead) at DM) Oh come on, that was on purpose!
Everbody gawked at the screen, no way would that have happened unless they purposely aimed.
(Alucard shoots the "Dandy Man", who turns out to be a clone made of cards)
ALUCARD: So, he can make card clones.
"That's awesome," Torchwick said.
(An explosion knocks him off his feet)
DANDY MAN: You activated my trap card. (snaps fingers)
"Ha, Yugioh reference," Roman said, "Wait, you watch Yugioh?" Nora "I DO TO!" she said.
ALUCARD: Oh boy! (caught in the subsequent explosion)
DANDY MAN: (chuckles)
ALUCARD: Hey, Dandy Dick! (beat) You missed! (as he runs up a building) Woop-Woop-Woop-Woop-Woop-Woop-Woop-Woop-Woop-Woop!
"Is he even trying?" Glynda asked.
(Scene change)
(General urgent chatter)
OFFICER 2: Do you think Torchwick can take him?
"Of, course I can," Torchwick said arrogantly "you really think you can win?" Cinder asked "well- uh, probably not," Torchwick said.
OFFICER: Calm down man, it's fine. I'm just focused on what I'm gonna do with my immortality.
OFFICER 2: Joke's on you; I'm getting double immortality! Huh-?
"They really believed that," Yang said shock Double immortality? Just how dumb are these people?"
(Oscar (disguised as a SWAT operative) shoots police in the tent)
OSCAR: Un... Deux... Trois, Quatre, cinq...
GUARD: No, no no no no-!
(Bernadotte continue to shoot)
OSCAR: Six, sept... (hums La Marseillaise as he casually walks out of the tent, then detonates the tent and exhales) ...Now let's see what he thinks about having zat drink with me...
"SO AWESOME!" Ruby shouted shout shouting fast lines of gibberish and Oscar trying to calm her down.
(Scene: Alucard on his knees with a long trail of blood behind him)
Everybody gasped, was Alucard being beaten?
ALUCARD: (winces)... Could use a drink right now. Not used to seeing this much of my own blood anymore. Guy's got magic cards... and magic hands.
Wiess chuckled "Of, course he'd a joke".
DANDY MAN: Tell me, Alucard - are you a betting man?
"No, not really," Jaune said.
ALUCARD: I believe that's your shtick.
DANDY MAN: I'd like to make a little bet with you, vagabundo. I'll end your life... with one hand.
"Cocky much," Emerald said "I wouldn't say that unless I got something up my sleeve" Torchwick replied. "That or your just arrogant" Cinder said.
ALUCARD: I'll take that bet. Now... HIT ME WITH YOUR BEST SHOT! (DM flings two cards at him, to no effect) Oh, shame for you...
DEMONIC!ALUCARD: ...You activated my Alu-card.
"Well I'm dead," Roman said looking at Alucard. "At least I was able to make him lift his restrictions".
DANDY MAN: What? (blocks gunshot) Que merda? (blocks more gunshots)
POLICE GIRL: GET SOOOOOOME!
"GOO MEEEE!" Ruby shouted into the air.
DANDY MAN: (still blocking gunshots) Guh! Putaaa!
POLICE GIRL: Trump this! (fires another bullet, which DM slices in half with a card)
DANDY MAN: I'm getting real tired of this shit!
D!ALUCARD: You and me both. (breaks DM's left leg with a kick to the knee)
DANDY MAN: (screaming)
D!ALUCARD: Now show me your hand... DAAANDY MAAAAN!
(Alucard carves DM's left arm in half lengthways with his hand)
"HOLY SHIT!" everyone shouted. "Well, I guess he was 'Disarmed'" Yang said as everyone groaned from the bad pun. For some reason, Yang started to feel phantom pain in her right arm.
DANDY MAN: (screams in excruciating agony, then whimpers when Alucard grasps his face)
ALUCARD: Hey, Dandy Man?
DANDY MAN: Huh?
ALUCARD: You lost.
DANDY MAN: Uh-huh.
ALUCARD: And now I have to read your mind...
"He can do that?" Cinder asked.
DANDY MAN: Huh?
ALUCARD: ...by drinking all of your blood.
DANDY MAN: (whimpering/screaming)
"That's possible?" Ruby asked, "how does he have so many powers?" Weiss yelled in frustration "He's the Vampire King~" Nora sang.
ALUCARD: Om nom nom nom! (Chomps DM on the neck, then enters his mind and sees a bunch of garish colors) The fuck is this...? The fuck is that...? The fuck are those?
"Torchwick, what kind of drugs are you on?" Ironwood asked incredulously, Torchwick shrugged "All of them".
(Vision changes to the Adam with a White Fang flag behind him; Alucard starts laughing and clapping)
POLICE GIRL: ...Master?
ALUCARD: Hold on! I need to tweet about this.
(Scene: Weiss accesses Alucard's Twitter page and sees a Tweet marked "IT'S WHITE FANG. #calledit #bitcheslovecannons #fuckmotheringvampire", then sighs in disgust)
"Really? he's a total manchild" Weiss exasperated.
OZPIN: Sir Weiss, is something the matter?
WEISS: It's the fucking-!
(Scene: Nazi HQ)
ADAM: WHITE FAANG~!
"Whoa, quick scene change," Mercury noticed.
WATTS: I am so sorry, Major, for ze failure of ze Dandy Man
ADAM: Ah, give it a rest, Herr Doctor. He was a Brazilian DOG who died feeding a much bigger beast a valuable piece of information.
"Hey, I take offense to that, Bull" Roman said.
WATTS: But Major, now that they know of our plans-
ADAM: Ahh~, Herr Doctor~, but that is the plan. Now zat zey know our plan, zey will plan around our plan, and so ve shall in turn plan around ze plan that zey are planning around our plan!
Adam stared at the screen "Am I insane in that world" he said putting his head in his hands while Sienna stared at him"You just noticed" she said.
WATTS: Your brilliance knows no bounds!
ADAM: And regardless... we have one advantage that zey sorely lack~... ZEPPELINS!
"How is that an advantage, can't they shoot them out of the sky," Weiss said "Definitely" Winter answered.