AN: Felt the strange urge to do a joke chapter featuring the Nine.
Jack Slash and his merry band of Murder Hobos looked down at the city of Brockton Bay with their usual sense of sadistic glee. Jack, unlike the company he kept, liked to find meaning in his killing. He considered himself an artist. Jackson Pollock and a hundred barrels of paint couldn't create what he could with a few people and his straight razor. He liked to think his senseless slaughter was more than just mindless fun, but a statement on the way of the world.
As if!
Jack laughed to himself at his thoughts. He didn't need to find meaning in killing because there was no meaning in it. It was just the feeling of satisfaction he got watching his prey run or beg for their lives only to be sliced down seconds later. That was all there was. The enjoyment of watching others suffer. The satisfaction of tearing things apart and leaving the devastated masses to deal with the aftermath. Which was why they'd come to Brockton Bay in the first place. They liked to target the aftermath of Endbringer attacks just to make things that much worse for the people there. To take the hopeless and squeeze out the little bits of hope they didn't know they had left.
But there was more to it this time. Something, rather a group of someones, had piqued Jack's interest. He had heard bits of them as they took down Lung and clashed with the Empire, but that was normal. Things like that were expected in a place like Brockton Bay. But then the showing they had during the Leviathan attack! Truly they were a force he wanted to toy with.
Yes, the Espada would be a fine group to play with. To test and twist and break until they joined the Nine or died.
"You've got your targets ladies and gentlemen! Kill and maim to your hearts content! Just remember to have fun!"
He watched as his compatriots took off for the city. They'd keep it quiet at first, talk with their prey to set the rules of the game, then they'd get to the real fun.
—
Despite how large a city Brockton Bay was, the Espada were apparently very easy to find. All you had to do was show up in the area they claimed and start making trouble. Or just be there if they thought you were the type to cause trouble. So it should be no surprise that Jack ran into them very quickly. Walking down an alleyway with Bonesaw and Shatterbird to scout places to set up traps and people to kill for fun they were almost surprised to see the world go black. When it cleared up Jack was smiling wide at the people who were in front of him. Nihilus was sitting on the edge of a fire escape, kicking her legs childishly. Samael stood on a wall as if gravity had no effect on him. Sacrosant stood in mid air in the center of the alley while the others and their subordinates watched from the fire escapes and rooftops above.
"Jack Slash." Sacrosanct warbled. He felt a chill run down his spine in excitement.
"Ah, Sacrosanct. It truly is an honor to meet the Espada." He bowed theatrically.
"Shame I can't say the same." She drawled lazily.
Well that wouldn't do. People usually reacted to their presence with fear. But they were completely undisturbed by them. As if they didn't matter.
"Most people feel the same." Jack smiled. "Well, the ones we aren't killing that is. They're usually running in fear or shaking in their boots."
"I'd like to knock Shatterbirds boots." One of the voices from the rooftop spoke. That was Rhapsody, the boy was apparently rather hedonistic.
"How dare—."
"Calm down, please Shatterbird. We're just here to talk after all." He turned back to Sacrosanct. "To establish the rules of the game."
"Right." Sacrosanct rolled her eyes before landing and walking towards them. "Listen, it's been a rough few weeks, and I really don't feel like dealing with you. So how about this: I'll pay you a hundred dollars to fuck off out of my city."
Jack actually did a double take at the offer.
"Language!" Bonesaw shouted. "Young ladies are not supposed to speak like that."
"Excuse you?" Jack asked, a feeling of frustration boiling somewhere inside.
"You heard me. A hundred bucks, each, to fuck off out of the Bay. I've got more important things to deal with than a band of super powered murder hobos."
"You… You think you can bribe me? Me?! You think you can bribe the Slaughterhouse Nine out of this city?!" Jack asked, his offense clear in his tone. "No. No, no, no. You can't get rid of us that easily. And just for the audacity of trying, we're going to change the rules. You—."
"That's unfortunate. I was hoping you'd save us the trouble of killing you all. Nihilus."
Bubbles started to float into the alleyway on command. Jack went for his knife and Shatterbird started to use her powers while Bonesaw called in one of her creations.
There were two loud pops, one from Jacks left and the other behind him. He looked to where Shatterbird had been to find her body thumping to the ground, her head gone and no remains of it as if it hadn't been there. He could only assume Bonesaw's little monster had met the same fate.
"You should run, Jack." Sacrosanct said lazily.
—
"Go, go, go, drive, drive, drive!" Jack shouted as he tossed himself into the groups mobile home, just barely avoiding one of Mannequin's claws being lobbed at him from well over half a mile away. Cherish hit the gas, speeding off as fast as the vehicle would move, swerving to avoid colored blasts that could easily rip through the metal of the van.
Jack collapsed into the couch, his breathing heavy and his body tired.
"Those fuckers are crazy!" He shouted after taking a second to regain himself.
Maybe he really should go into art.