Nora Valkyrie: Ze following is a fan-based parody. Hellsing Ultimate is owned by Kouta Hirano und Studio Madhouse, und licensed by Geneon, Madman Entertainment, Manga Entertainment, und Funimation. Please support ze official release.
"Whooo, I'm doing the disclaimer! ~" Nora sang.
"Why is there a disclaimer anyway?" Weiss questioned.
"Who's Kouta Hirano?" Ruby asked.
"I don't think the name relates to color" Pyrrha.
OKAY YOU GUYS ARE GOING WAY TO DEEP, MEMORY WIPE!
Suddenly everyone's of the conversation was forgotten as they remember their objective was to watch the show.
MAN: Oh come on love, show us your tits! (gets slapped). Well, she declined. Now, let's get pissed.
"Well that's sounds like almost every gang in TV" Sun said.
"It seems like no matter the universe, corruption always to seems to invade human hearts" Ozpin said before taking a long sip from his mug. Unbeknownst of him Salem had heard what he said.
'looking down from your tower' Salem thought annoyed.
MAN 2: Hey Mate. What's the last thing you thought you'd ever see in the night sky?
MAN: Oh, that's... that's a deep question, man, I—-
MAN 2: No, no, cause it's blimps.
"The White Fang must making there move!" Ruby shouted.
All the while Adam smiled as the audience looked in growing horror 'Soon these humans will learn what it feels like to be treated as a slave' Adam thought.
ADAM: Gentlemen! Ve have made it! (the White Fang's all cheer) Alright! Achtung! Achtung!
BANE: Woo-wooooo!
MAJOR: Bane, Bane, bring it down a notch.
Adam exhaled a sigh before smiling Bane was always excitable especially when talking about culling filthy humans.
BANE: Woooo.
ADAM: Now: Herr Doktor, Captain, First Lieutenant, und our fabulous mascot; please, lead us off!
"I AM NOT A MASCOT!" Blake shouted at Adam.
MERLOT: Of course. Everyone, thank-you for coming to the mandatory pre-war seminar. Please open your World War III pamphlets to page 3, as the first two pages merely contain a foreword from Nicholas Cage.
"Who's Nicholas Cage?" Ruby asked.
"who knows, but if he's associated with the White Fang, he must be some sort of criminal" Weiss said.
ADAM: Ve have an exciting itinerary of ze evening events. Tonight, ve annihilate LONDON!
Ironwood gulped "Just how many people live in London" he asked their host.
ABOUT 3,700,000 PEOPLE.
Almost everyone gasped Adam was going to kill... all those people.
WHITE FANG GRUNT: Uh, ALL of London?
ADAM: ALL of London! Buckingham Palace? Laid to vaste. Big Ben? Toppled to ze GROUND!
WHITE FANG GRUNT: Ze House of Parliament?
ADAM: Eradicated.
NAZI GRUNT: Ze Tower of London?
ADAM: OBLITERATED.
MERLOT: Ze Holocaust Museum?
ADAM: Leave zat be. No one vill deny vat ve did.
"What did they do?" Summer asked.
HERE LET ME SHOW YOU
Suddenly memories not their own flowed into their heads
"Oh, God" Glynda gasped.
Ozpin let go of his mug, shattering on the floor as he was left speechless. He believed humanity was redeemable it was the reason why he tried to bring humanity together with huntsman but now seeing this hell created by humans his ideals were questioned 'Were the Gods wrong to destroy humanity?' he thought.
Ruby had been shaken up by what she had seen. Ugly tears flew down her face as her family tried comforting her. Wiess had been shocked silent by the cruelty shown to humans and the worst part it was almost similar to what Faunus were going through in her Father's mines and that thought horrified even though she sympathized with them she never actually put herself in their shoes if the mines were like this could she really atone for the sins of her Father?
WHITE FANG GRUNT: Vat about London Bridge?
ADAM: Ja, Ja, "London Bridge is falling down", ve all know ze song. Look, you be ze first to burn it down, you can go ahead and sing it. I don't care. Of course, speaking of music, ze accompaniment tonight has already been selected via survey! Und I hope you are excited as I aaamm. Ze song tonight is more appropriate for ironic reasons. Ze best reasons! But first... a toast... to ze answer of an age old question.
(Scenes Of citizens being slaughtered by White Fang Grunts as Edwin Starr's War plays)
MERLOT: Is it everything you hoped for, Major?
ADAM: Yes, because it means ze destruction of innocent lives.
"You monster" Weiss told Adam.
In response he started laughing "ahahahaAHAHAHAHA!".
It was bone-chilling more animalistic than human.
"I'm a monster?" he muttered yet his voice could be heard by all "I'M A MONSTER?!"
He shrieked out loud. Then Adam's fingers reach across his mask ever so lightly touching the dried blood of the first human he killed then in a swift motioned pulled it of allowing his eyes to finally be seen. The audience gasped in shocked no more so than Weiss.
"THIS IS WHAT YOU HUMANS DID TO ME!" he screamed pointing to his left eye which had been branded with the mark SDC.
"YOU CALL ME A MONSTER BUT LOOK AT YOU DID TO ME!" he yelled.
"Weiss?" Ruby asked looking at Adam's face.
"I did-didn't know" Weiss said in a shaky voice tears congregating on her eyelids ready to spill over.
"OH YEAH?!" suddenly a voice shouted from the back it was Cardin.
"WELL ANIMALS LIKE YOU DESERVE THAT!" pointing at Adam's eye.
Coco and everyone else growl in rage. Adam suddenly his hand going to his side before realizing he didn't have his blade.
"I'm going to kill you with my bare hands" Adam snarled.
"You want to try bull" Cardin blustered.
Suddenly a force took them both by surprise and force them back into their seats.
OKAY, OKAY EVERYONE CALM DOWN WE'RE NOT HERE TO TALK PHILOSPHICAL DUSCUSSIONS. WE'RE HERE TO WATCH A SHOW NOW WATCH.
At his last word a calming aura filled the room as everyone looked back at the and Weiss rubbed the liquid out of her eyes.
(Music continues)
ADAM: Induction. Zen Destruction WHO VANTS TO DIE?!
(Music continues over the title screen)
(Scene cuts to the meeting between Weiss and her financial supporters)
IRONWOOD: What do you mean, "He's stuck on the boat"?!
"They must be talking about Alucard" Winter said.
"Don't they have the blackbird" Ruby asked.
"Remember Nora destroyed it" Jaune said.
"WEISS: I mean he's stuck on the bloody boat! I need you idiots to send a helicopter after him and retrieve him.
IRONWOOD: Can't he fly with his vampire powers?
"Where did I get that idea?" Ironwood asked himself.
WEISS: What-? ...No- NO, he can't fly with his vampire powers!
IRONWOOD: Then how did he get there?!
WEISS: On the Blackbird we appropriated!
IRONWOOD: You... STOLE the Blackbird?!
"WHAT!" Weiss shouted.
"Oooh, never thought Ice Princess could steal" Roman said.
"Sh-Shut up!" she replied.
WEISS: WOULD YOU JUST SEND THE HELICOPTER?!
IRONWOOD: WE CAN'T! OUR COMMUNICATION'S ARE DOWN!
"WHAT!" Everyone yelled.
WEISS: What?
IRONWOOD: They...have been for the past few hours.
"Why didn't you say anything before" Weiss asked.
"It seems to me that this version of me isn't as competent as I thought" Ironwood said.
WEISS: So you're telling me that... as of this moment...
We have no access to Alucard. Communications with our forces and the outside world are down, and the enemy could very well be KNOCKING AT OUR DOOR?!
(Door to the room busts open with operatives.)
REGINALD: Or! Perhaps the enemy was sitting beside you on the round table the whole time!
"WHAT!".
"TRAITOR!" Nora yelled pointing at the screen.
WIESS: Oh, Reggie, this is adorable.
REGINALD: SIR! Reginald! Is my name. I have spent the last five years of my life, cleaning up after YOUR pet vampire! And now! It is time Sir Reginald is paid what he deserves.
"You know... I get it now" Weiss chuckled.
"Weiss?" Yang said with worry.
"How Jaune feels, just a little bit" Weiss finished.
WEISS: (Amused laughter) You know... I get it now...
(Weiss chuckling)
REGINALD: Get what?
WEISS: (deep breath) How Alucard FEELS!
Just a little bit, anyway.
Weiss blushed a bit when she heard her counterpart say the same thing.
"Oooh, Echo~" Yang said mischeviously.
(Reggie growls) But I must say, "Sir Reginald," it is QUITE impressive that despite how hilariously amateur this little "coup" of yours is, that you're still managing to hold that gun.
REGINALD: Gurh...! (Screams of shock)
OZPIN: Who wants daddy's belt?
"GO OZPIN!" Nora and Ruby shouted together.
"Kick their asses!" Yang hollered.
Ozpin took a long sip from his mug hiding a smile on his face.
(Operatives yell and open fire on Walter with no affect)
IRONWOOD: (Grunts in surprise)
OZPIN: Now think about what you've done.
(Conference in mixed groans of relief and shock)
WEISS: So, Sir Ironwood, Are you alright?
IRON: Well... Reginald was actually... my brother-in-law. So... Currently... Processing that...
"Oh, oh" Ironwood realized.
"Do you have a brother-in-law named Reggie?" Winter asked
"No, I don't think so" Ironwood responded.
(Roar of alarms)
OFFICER: Communications are back up! Everything is on fire!
"ON FIRE!" Ironwood screamed.
"What's going on?" Pyrrha asked.
OFFICER2: London Bridge is falling down!
IRONWOOD: Falling down?!
OFFICER2: Falling down!
IRONWOOD: London Bridge is falling down...! My fair lady! What should we do?!
"You know for some reason that sounded like a rhyme" Emerald said.
"Didn't Adam say something about a rhyme?" Mercury.
"You two, shut up I want to watch" Cinder said.
WEISS: We have to evacuate immediately! Sir Ironwood, You could ride with me. The rest of you, carpool.
IRONWODD: No. I'm not going anywhere. I know I'm... not much of a man. I've had a silver spoon in my mouth since the day I was born. This position... It's not suitable for a meek gentlemen like myself. But I'll be damned, I say, if I tuck my tail in between my legs at the first sign of peril! I THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE SIR WEISS! BUT I-!
WEISS: (Hands a gun) Here's a gun; there are twelve holy bullets. Save one for yourself. (Walks out of conference room with Ozpin)
"Damn talk about cold, right Neo?" Torchwick said looking at his tiny partner in crime who nodded her head in agreement.
Ozpin?
OZPIN: Yes, Sir Weiss?
WEISS: Ready the car. We've got a war to win.
"Go Weiss!" Ruby said cutely the show taking her mind off dark topics momentarily.
(General din of battle)
ADAM: Ah, yes. Buckingham Palace is burning. Und so are my loins~!
"YES!" Adam said in agreement before Sienna wacked his head "Shut up, you stupid bull" she said.
"Uh, too much information" Yang said disgusted.
ILIA: AHEM!
ADAM: Ah! First Lieutenant former Olympic body builder Ilia Amolita. Sorry, I was understandably caught up in ze moment.
Blake perked up 'Ilia was in this?'.
"You know the chick?" Qrow drawled.
"She's a... friend" Blake replied.
"Uh" was all Qrow said as he layed into his recliner.
ILIA: You finally have orders for me, Major?
ADAM: Ah, indeed, my dear Ilia! You have a very SPECIFIC target.
ILIA: Where shall my scythe be pointed?
ADAM: Ze Hellsing Organization Headquarters.
"Oh no" Weiss muttered.
ILIA: Yes...!
ADAM: Und you...
ILIA: (Increased excitement) Yes~!
ADAM: ...Shall provide reconnaissance.
"Oooh, cockblocked" Coco said.
ILIA: (Drops cigarette in shock and screams in frustration)
ADAM: Okay, Ilia! Ilia! I need you to bring it back for me: take a deep breath... Contain... ze calamity... zat is your mammaries.
"Really?" Winter asked rhetorically at the bad joke.
ILIA: (Poorly contained White Fang rage)
ILIA: [Grunts furiously]
ADAM: There is no-vone more eager to see them bleed than I, but ve must be careful. Sir Integra Fairbrook Vingates Hellsing - any voman who commands the respect of a beast such as Alucard is not to be trifled vis. Fantasized of on a lonely Saturday night vis a bottle of Chardonnay - most certainly. But not trifled with.
Wiess made haughty noise and straighten her back trying to look more imposing.
ILIA: But she is just vone voman!
ADAM: Und a girl. A police girl. Ze only living vampire sired by Alucard himself. Vhy? Is it her skill? Her unpredictable nature, ze big titties? Maybe, who knows. But I do not gamble vis maybes. You vill act as ze vanguard and survey their forces, are ve clear?
Ruby blushed and tried to hide in her cloak when she heard how Adam described her.
ILIA: [unenthusiastically] Transparently.
"Hey, is your friend really this... bloodthirsty?" Yang asked Blake pausing to try find a good word to describe Ilia.
"No" Blake said flatly.
ADAM: Wunderbar! Now, speaking of vich- [over the radio] Sergeant Klaus - have you spotted Frau Hellsing?
SARGE: Ja Major. Driving past Primrose Hill.
ADAM: Is it on fire?
SARGE: It could be more on fire.
"Oh no Weiss please don't die!" Ruby yell as hugged her second best-friend.
"Ugh-I'm not died yet you dolt!" Wiess yelled back trying to escape Ruby's bearhug. The action brought a smile to family and friend.
[Ozpin and Sir Weiss drive down a street. Wiess surveys the butchered corpses outside]
WEISS: Ugh... UGH!
"Ugh-that's disgusting!" Guess who said that.
IRONWOOD (over radio): Attention... anyone listening... I'm not sure if I'm using this correctly. [Ozpin adjusts the radio's tuning until Ironwood comes across clearer] It's been ten years since I've had to operate an analog radio. I am Sir Ironwood, Vice-Admiral of the British Security Council.
"So, the reason for most of my incompetence is my age?" Ironwood said. It's kind of made he obviously wouldn't be good as he was now in ten years.
[Sir Ironwood sits in the blood-soaked remains of the Security Council room, speaking into the radio's microphone]
IRONWOOD: I know things seem bleak to those who are still alive, but stay on. We are still fighting; each and everyone one of us. We shall defend Queen and Country against this decades-old barbarism!
"Excellent speech" Winter said courteously politely clapping at the performance.
"Thank you, Winter," Ironwood replied.
[Council Room door gets blasted open, and White Fang soldiers storm in]
CHURCH: [laughs] How valiant of you Sir Penwood, defending your post down to ze last man.
IRONWOOD: Ah, but that's where I must rebuke you, because where you see one man, I see four...
"See four?" most of the audience said not understanding until Ironwood shouted.
"C4!" he yelled eyes wide with recongnition.
CHURCH: "See four?" Ack! [looks around and sees dozens of C4 explosives planted around the room] Ahhhhhhh...
IRONWOOD: When you get to hell, tell em' Ironwood sent you, and then apologize on behalf for the inconvenience. [Blows up the C4]
The audience looked in shock at Ironwood's sacrifice and epic one-liner. Ironwood himself raised his hand in a salute, Winter herself quickly followed her lead as the rest of the audience quickly followed. Even Torchwick took of his hat for him if only for that epic send-off.
[Radio gets cut off, Sir Weiss sits silently in the back]
WEISS: Ozpin?
OZPIN: Yes Ma'am?
WEISS: Sir Ironwood was a... [gets cut off by a collision with a ghoul]SON OF A BITCH!
"Really?" Ironwood he wasn't offended just weirded out by the sudden change in tone.
Winter however was giving Weiss a wolf glare promising pain and torment at her hands, utterly terrifying her and her compatriots.
OZPIN: Sir Weiss, we have a problem.
WEISS: Oh my God, the road is on fire.
OZPIN: Unfortunately, that's not the worst of it.
[The Captain appears]
"Wait a minute?" Blake said recognizing the captain.
"Is that Sun?" she yelled.
OZPIN: If you will excuse me, I have to meet with an old friend. You need to take the car and make your way to the HQ on your own. I believe in you Ma'am.
WEISS: Ozpin, there's something I want you to know.
OZPIN: This is no time for goodbyes Sir Weiss.
WEISS: No... I... I don't know how to drive. You have driven me literally everywhere since I was ten.
"WHAT?!" RWBY yelled.
"You ruined a perfectly good moment with that?!" yang asked.
OZPIN: Oh? Well, perfect time to learn.
WEISS: You come back to me... no matter what. Understood?
OZPIN: Understood Ma'am [stretches glove]
WEISS: Now which one's the clu... [the car tears away, barely under control] OK, WE'RE DRIVING!
"Weiss you're not supposed to press on the accelerator the hard" Winter told her.
[Both Ozpin and Sun exchange grunts. Ozpin attacks Sun with his strings, they are, however, caught by Sun]
OZPIN: Oh brilliant! You haven't aged a day!
"I don't think that's supposed be good?" Ruby asked.
Yang sighed "It's sarcasm Ruby" she told her.
[The Deus Ex Machina flies overhead, broadcasting Adam over the loudspeakers]
ADAM: Ah yes, ve have aged like fine vine. You, on ze other hand, have aged like milk; spoilt, sour, und ruining my meal. But don't get me wrong, it's still splendid to see you! Let's have a heart to heart!
WEISS: [Driving recklessly] Ah shit! Fuck! Ah SHIT!
TUCKER: [Pursuing Weiss] There she is! Caboose, tell her to pull over!
[Music plays in Sir Wiess's car]
CABOOSE: Guten Abend, could you please pull over? [Gets hit by the car]
"Did they actually think that would work?" Weiss said with a tick in her eye.
TUCKER: Vell, she declined. Panzerfaust! [Fires panzerfaust]
Yang giggled "Call back to the beginning" she exclaimed.
WEISS: [Continues driving while avoiding fire] YOU'VE! GOT! TO! BE! SHIT! -TING! ME!
"Wow, I don't know if you're a really good driver or really bad one" Yang told Weiss.
[Car crashes into a wall]
"Welp, you're a really bad driver" Yang finished while Weiss looked bashful.
GRIF: [jumps onto the car] Whooo! [gets head sliced off by Weiss]
SIMMONS: Grif?! Nein! And he was having such a good day! He even got to burn down London Bridge! Sing the song. Everything!
"Well then he got what he deserved" Oscar said.
WEISS: Congratulations. [Pulls out a cigarette and stomps on head] It took an entire squadron of inhuman, nigh-immortal, fake vampires to hunt down and corner a 22-year old woman.
SARGE: Zat's a woman?
FLOWERS: She's 22?
Weiss felt her anger grow at those words just because she's flat doesn't mean she isn't a 'woman'.
WEISS: [blows smoke] I hope it's everything you dreamed of. So how about it then? [Pulls out sword] Come and get the first real fight you've had in 50 years, you dickless cowards!
"GO WEISS" the teams cheered her on.
O'MALLEY: I'LL STAB YOU IN ZE FUCKING FA- [stabbed by a dozen bayonets and then explodes]
"Wait? are those bayonets?" Weiss yelled.
"Then that means" Ruby realized as her eyes widened.
[Bible pages fall to the ground and Cardin appears]
"CARDIN!" RWBY yelled.
"Never have I felt so happy Cardin appeared" Jaune said sighing in relief.
FANG: God's Assassin...
ANOTHER FANG: Saint Guillotine...
THIRD FANG: Ze Angel's Dust...
FOURTH FANG: Judas Priest...
FIFTH FANG: Wait, like ze band?
SIXTH FANG: Zey ver named after him!
"Wow, that's a lot of names" Yang said.
"How did he get a band named after him" Coco said with jealousy.
CARDIN: By Jove, you fucking hedder of a woman! Surrounded by fifty vampire Nazis armed literally to the teeth, and what do you do!? You get out of your fucking car, pull out your sword, cut off one of their heads and yell, "come at me, you kraut shits!" No wonder Alucard wants to plow that virgin soil. I'm thinking about growing some flowers myself! Ha, ha, ha, ha.
"Ugh, never in your life" Weiss told disgusted.
WEISS: Cardin Winchester. To what do I owe the unexpected pleasure?
CARDIN: Ah, you know, just out and about with me posse.
"Posse?" the teams echoed.
WEISS: Posse?
[Weiss looks up, seeing countless Iscariot agents on the roof above]
Anderson: And look! Y'know how your pet vampire has got his own pet vampire? Well, that got me thinking, so I acquired some learned youngsters m'self! Two of 'em! Which is twice as good! And here's the real kicker, one's Japanese, and the other one's fuckin' German! Ain't that topical?! I just need an Italian one and I've got me an axis of righteousness. Velvet! Say something in moonspeak!
"What, why are we working with him?!" Coco pointed accusingly at the screen.
"What does he mean by axis of righteousness?" Ren asked rhetorically.
VELVET: Hai.
CARDIN: Ha, ha! And the German's one, Coco. She shoots things; it's great.
COCO: Pop-Pop, watchin' heathens drop.
"Well, that does sound like you" Velvet told Coco.
Coco layed back in her recliner pouting.
FANG: Ze Iscariots? Ve're not scared of you! Look at you, you don't even know how to use a bayonet! It goes on ze gun, idiot!
CARDIN: Now, if you'll excuse us, you English cow, it's time for the Iscariots to do your job for ya, and put these soulless bodies where they belong... In the ground, in case you didn't take-
[A Fang rushes towards Cardin, but is swiftly cut down and killed]
CARDIN: ...In case you didn't take me meaning.
"I AM NOT A COW!" Weiss yelled.
FAN: Kill zem!
[The White Fang group begins their attack, rushing at the Iscariots as Dropkick Murphey's I'm Shipping Up To Boston begins to play]
CARDIN: Who are we!?
ISCARIOTS: The necessary evil!
CARDIN: Why are we necessary?!
ISCARIOTS: To purge the world of evil worse than man!
CARDIN: And why are we God's chosen few, ordained to undertake this unholy task!?
ISCARIOTS: Because no one else will!
CARDIN: [Crosses blades] AND BECAUSE IT'S FUCKIN' FUN! [Laughs maniacally] AMEN!
"Okay I have to give credit that was a badass speech" Yang said.
"Not as good as Ironwood's" Winter rebutted
[The Iscariots and Cardin begin battle with the White Fang, before a large pool of blood splatters onto the wall, which then displays the logo for Hellsing Ultimate Abridged]
[Cut back to the burned out ruins of the HMS Eagle, after Alucard crashed onto the boat and killed Nora Valkyrie. He walks to the edge of the boat, and sniffs the air]
"It''s Jauney!" Nora yelled excitedly even though she died by his hand.
Alucard: ...Something's burning.
"... Pfhhh, way to state the obvious" Mercury said.
"What does that mean he smelled London burning down from the ship?" Russel said.
"Nah, the ship was burning too" Cardin replied.
"I'm surprised the thing is floating" Ironwood said.
This is a reupload since the last chapter was cut off
Thank you: Morocko
Zeroth17
TheDistur6edGuy
Ren Woods
Kuroyuki-Kokuyoku
for giving me the manuscripts for the rest of the episodes.
Also regarding Anderson's comment about having an axis of righteousness he has Yumie and Heinkel but he also has Maxwell who is italian... I think, but that means he does have a axis of righteousness I wonder if it's a little easter egg Kouta Hirano and Teamfourstar put.
Thank you for reading this and please favorite, follow and review and see you next time Bye!