[INTRO]
RUBY: The following is a fan-based parody! Hellsing Ultimate is owned by Kouta Hirano and Studio Madhouse, and licensed by Geneon, Madman Entertainment, Manga Entertainment, and Funimation! Please support the official release!
[open on White Fang vampires snacking on corpses]
"Those damn monsters" Yang cursed out watching the gory scene.
Ruby's face was pale as she desperately tried to keep her lunch in.
FANG GRUNT: Gruber?
GRUBER: Hmm?
FANG GRUNT: ..Are we bad people?
Weiss jaw-dropped at that question "ar-are they really asking that?!" Weiss said incredously.
"Well we already knew these guys weren't the smartest of the bunch" Roman said, "this is just proof."
"Of course, your bad people!" Ruby said childishly.
GRUBER: [swallows] It's a matter of perspective, really.
FANG GRUNT: From these men's perspective?
GRUBER: Oh, absolutely! But, to be fair.. I think we kind of tipped that Jenga tower by being Fangs in the first place.
"Oh, yeah, definitely" Yang said.
FANG GRUNT: Ya, ya.. I guess the whole 'eating them' is just.. salt on the wound.
GRUBER: Agh, don't say 'salt' to me! These mercs are so bland! They could use- [Ruby opens gunfire on them]
RUBY: How's THAT for some SALT?! [silence] ..UGH! God D**N it! What's the point of comin' up with all these one-liners if'n they're all dead when I say 'em?!
"It wasn't a really good one-liner to begin with" Yang told Ruby who started pouting.
"But it's okay Big Sister Yang will teach you how to make good puns". she said before cuddling Ruby who tried to get out of her sister's vice like grip. While the rest of the team smiled at Yang's and Ruby's childish behavior.
FANG GRUNT: [outside] To be fair, it wasn't really that funny to begin with!
RUBY: [shoots through the offending grunt] It's a matter of perspective, really.
"That's gonna be a running gag this episode isn't it?" Qrow asked Taiyang.
"Sounds like it" Taiyang answered.
[OPENING TITLECARD]
OSCAR: B Wing! What's your location?
MILLER: HR department!
OSCAR: And your status?
MILLER: You ever been fisted up to the elbow before?
OSCAR: ..Jaffe, I could use your expertise!
"Okay, what the hell does that guy's search history look like?" Yang said.
"Why do you want to know?" Weiss asked.
"Well it would be an explanation for the guy's weird taste!" Yang said.
JAFFE: Hey, FUCK YOU, man!
OSCAR: Read the room! [to Miller] So.. I'm guessing you're in some shit!
MILLER: I just saw a man's FACE get eaten! One bite, like that asshole owl with the fuckin' Tootsie Pop, man!
"Oh God" Goodwitch said.
"That mustn't have been a good sight to see" Ironwood said.
DYING MERC: How many licks did it take? [laughs and coughs]
"That wasn't a very funny joke" Ruby muttered before being hugged by her mother.
OSCAR: Just hold out! The police girl is on her way!
"Where are you by the way?" Blake asked.
"Don't I have super-speed in this?" Ruby asked rhetorically.
"Well I mean there are a lot of vampires around the mansion" Weiss said.
MILLER: Sir.. I'm not gonna lie to you; we're pinned here, all my men are dead or dying, and I'm runnin' out of bullets.
"N-no" Ruby whispered looking at the screen falling deeper into her mother's embrace.
OSCAR: Miller.. it was an honor serving with you.
Ironwood saluted Miller while Qrow toasted him.
MILLER: ..What the FUCK?!
"What?!" Ironwood said rhetorically.
OSCAR: What?
MILLER: What's THAT cheap shit?! You're not gonna to tell me to fall back or fight through?!
"Why would he?" Winter asked.
OSCAR: Well.. I-I mean, can you?
MILLER: Of fucking COURSE not!
"So then why?!" Ironwood and Winter yelled at the same time.
OSCAR: Well, then, why the FUCK would I say it?!
MILLER: It's a cliché, dammit! And a good god d**n one, at that!
"Really, a cliché" Ironwood and Winter deadpanned .
"Well people love clichés" Qrow said and shrugged.
OSCAR: Fine, fine, whatever! Okay, sure! ..Don't you FUCKING give me that, Miller! Fall back and make it-
MILLER: No, no.. it's-it's ruined. It's disingenuous.
"Wouldn't it always be disingenuous?" Oscar asked
OSCAR: It was ALWAYS going to be disingenuous!
MILLER: Well, SO IS WHAT'S COMIN' NEXT!
OSCAR: Wait, no, Miller, choose life..
"That's disingenuous" Weiss commented.
MILLER: COME AND GET ME, YOU BLOOD-CHUGGIN' COCKHOLES! [Zorin's magic creates an illusion] ..What the fuck?
LITTLE GIRL: Daddy! It's me, daddy! Welcome home!
Emerald knew what this was an illusion to drop the man's guard and then stab him in the back.
MILLER: You're not my daughter..
LITTLE GIRL: Of course I am, daddy! I-
MILLER: No, seriously; I got a vasectomy right out of high school.
"Oof, that sucks" Mercury said knowing how Emerald felt when one of her illusions go wrong.
LITTLE GIRL: ..I meant.. I'm your niece!
MILLER: Nope.. I'm an only child.
[little girl transforms into Sonic the Hedgehog with a foot-long erection]
"What the hell!?" Yang yelled seeing Sonic with an erection.
"W-what is that?" Ruby said in a small voice utterly terrified.
SONIC: ..I've been waiting for you, Miller! [hugs the Sonic and is split in two for his trouble]
"Why did he hug that thing?!" Weiss asked disgusted, let's chalk it up as one of life's great mysteries moving on.
ILIA: Real quick.. does anyone want to explain what we just witnessed?
The audience anxiously awaited the reason to witness such a horrible thing.
WHITE FANG GRUNT: Uh, I think that was Sonic the Hedgehog from the Sonic the Hedgehog franchise by Sega.
ILIA: Okay, but.. why did it have a foot-long erection?
WHITE FANG GRUNT: The fanbase is.. diverse.
ILIA: You mean, fucking weird!
"Ilia's right" Sienna said.
WHITE FANG GRUNT: It's a matter of perspective, really.
[cut to the mercenaries]
JAFFE: No one else is gonna say it?! Fine! I fuckin' will! I wish Alucard was here! Yeah!
GRUNT: Really, Jaffe?
JAFFE: Yes, REALLY! Because when he was around, shit wasn't so scary! If anything, it was fuckin' hilarious! But ever since he left, everything's so god d**n serious! Like there's something MISSING!
"That's true" Jaune said.
GRUNT: Hey, we're doin' pretty okay without him! It's.. our time to shine, you know?
"And by shine they mean be killed" Roman said flamboyantly while Neo raised a sign said BURN!
JAFFE: DUDE! Let's face it, we fucking SUCK and no one likes us!
OSCAR: So, okay! Let's grab some kneepads, a stiff drink, and gobble his COCK! You want to sit back and whimper like the little pre-school bitch you are? Go ahead! But Alucard isn't here; he's on a FUCKING boat, and there's not a GOD D**N thing we can do about it! So do some FUCKING soul-searching, or locate the shattered remains of your testicles, and hope - like always - that the girl comes first, before that barricade gives way, and YOU'RE made into the world's whiniest Lunchable!
"That's a great speech" Ironwood applauded.
"Bit too crass in my opinion" Winter said.
JAFFE: Oh! Oh, right! The police girl! Where the metaphorical fuck is SHE?!
[cut to Ruby]
RUBY: Welp! Looks like Human Resources has been.. PROCESSED.. I'd feel worse about that if they ever did ANYTHING about all the sexual harassment! Yet you'd think Alucard was the worst offender..
"What?" Yang and Ruby said aloud.
[flashback]
WEISS: Hello.. Police Girl...
RUBY: ..Sir?
Ruby and Weiss stared at Weiss's other version unable to stop their gaping maw's.
"What the hell are you doing to my sister Weiss?!" Yang yelled while Weiss shouted excuses to save herself.
[present]
WILLINGHAM: Not like you to have a girl clean up your mess, sir.
OSCAR: Heh! You're not wrong, Willingham! But even with all these men, this isn't the kind of load we can handle on our own. Hopefully, those ASSHOLES are out of rockets...
"Aaaand they just jinxed themselves" Qrow said.
"You would know" Raven shot back.
[outside]
WHITE FANG GRUNT: Ma'am, we have an ABUNDANCE of rockets! Shall we bombard them?
"Yep, knew it" Qrow muttered
ILIA: Oh, nein! I want to see how this.. "Panzers" out?
"Was… that a pun?" Sienna asked Adam.
"I think sooo…" he trailed of he had never heard Ilia make puns before.
WHITE FANG GRUNT: Oh? OH!
ILIA: Oh?
FANG GRUNT: OH! [laughs and sighs] And they say we Germans can't be funny! [fires into the conference room]
"Oh no! Oscar!" Ruby shouted with worry as she saw the rocket enter the room.
GRUNT: [in background] C'mon, move it! Move it!
OSCAR: [grunts] The least those FUCKERS could do is give us some warning before they pull it out and blow it all over our backsides! [grunts in pain] And now this wood is going to give me a limp! Like usual.. Willingham! Can you take care of this for me? [gasps]
WILLINGHAM: [severely injured] C-can you.. bring it over here?
"Holy shit!" Yang screamed as Summer covered Ruby's eyes.
OSCAR: Willingham! Oh.. SHIT! Uh..
WILLINGHAM: How's it look?
OSCAR: ..Probably how it feels.
WILLINGHAM: I'm imagining crushed raspberries..
"How is he still alive!" Weiss screamed.
OSCAR: Yeah.. that about right.
WILLINGHAM: Captain.. listen: there's one thing I need to say before I die..
OSCAR: What is it, Willingham? My friend! My brother!
WILLINGHAM: You fuckin' SUCK at pickin' our contracts! [dies]
"Is everyone going to die like cop-outs?" Taiyang asked Qrow.
He shrugged, "probably" Qrow answered.
OSCAR: Au revoir.. mon cul préféré! [Goodbye.. my favorite asshole!]
TONY: Hey, God? It's me! Tony! If only one of us makes it out of here alive.. PLEASE let it be ME!
ANDY: Hey, God? It's Tony's friend, Andy. Fuck Tony!
"Why are they arguing about who's too die, aren't they friends?!" Ruby screamed.
"They aren't true friends" Yang told Ruby.
[outside]
FANG GRUNT: I think I'm going to fire this one at.. Tony!
ILIA: YES! FUCK. THEM. ALL!
FANG GRUNT: [tries to fire, but the gun jams] You're kidding me! It's jammed! Oh.. this is embarrassing-
"Looks like God decided to spare both of them" Qrow said drunkenly.
[Ruby appears and begins taking out the Fangs]
OSCAR: Throw your hands up, gentlemen! The cavalry has arrived!
"Yay!" Nora and Ruby yelled.
MERCS: Yay..!
DYING FANG: Oh, GOD, she shot me in the ASS!
"Phtfff!" Yang went before bursting into laughter "OhmygodRuby!" Yang said before bursting into another bout of laughter. Ruby on the other was hand was deciding whether her cloak was a good living place.
ILIA: Well, well, well! If it isn't the loyal police girl!
"Why does everyone keep calling me that?" Ruby muttered.
RUBY: All right, you know GOD D**N well what my name is!
ILIA: You're right, I do.. but there's so much more I want to LEARN! [digs into Ruby's memories]
POLICE GIRL: I see.. so you're looking to become a police officer? Not surprising, given what happened to your family..
"What? What happened to us?" Taiyang asked.
ILIA: Ah, I see! Did something happen to Mommy and Daddy? [laughs] Let's take a look!
HEADMASTER: The sister here says you stabbed the boy in the eye with a PENCIL!
"WHAT!?" Yang yelled shocked her sister would never do that.
YOUNG RUBY: [thinking] I'll stab your mother in the CUNT!
"Damn Ruby chill out" Yang said seeing her sister's anger.
HEADMASTER: Young lady, how do you expect to be adopted if you continue this behavior?
"But why would she be up for adoption?! What happened to us?!" Taiyang cried.
YOUNG RUBY: [thinking] I don't want to be adopted, I WANT YOUR MOTHER'S CUNT!
ILIA: An orphanage..? OH, this is getting even better! Let's just dig into those repressed memories, and perhaps we'll-
[comes across a memory of Ruby licking blood from Weiss's finger]
"WHHY!?" Weiss cried at her misfortune as she felt Yang glare burning into the side of her head.
ILIA: Umm.. this.. needs context. Let's keep moving!
SUMMER: Ruby, hide in here! And absolutely do NOT come out!
[gunshots and screaming sound from outside]
"What's happening" Summer screamed.
SIGMUND: Now look what you gone and done! You skipped the process!
FREUD: What process?
SIGMUND: The standard process o' breakin' and enterin'! You're supposed to shoot the husband, rape the wife, then shoot the wife! You gone and shot the husband, then shot the wife!
"WHAT!" The entire Rose family screamed.
FREUD: Don't mean nothin'!
SIGMUND: 'Course it does! Now we can't rape her!
"WHAT!" the entire Rose family screamed again. "MOM!" Ruby yelled hugging Summer.
FREUD: I beg to differ! Body's still warm!
"Oh god" Weiss said feeling her lunch in her throat.
SIGMUND: Come on now, mate; gotta have standards! I know we're shootin' an' rapin', but necrophilia's a step too far!
"Those bastards, I'll kill em!" Taiyang shouted.
FREUD: If you're such a bugger about procedure, why didn't you perform a 5-point room scan? [is stabbed by little Ruby] BUGGER ALL!
"Go Ruby!" Yang cheered.
SIGMUND: Right! [shoots little Seras] My fault; I'll take responsibility for that one! That is what happens when you do not perform a 5-point room scan!
"Oh no Ruby!" Yang yelled in worry before Blake put her hand on Yang's shoulder to calm her down. " This isn't our Ruby" she said.
FREUD: Yeah, alright.. so you get to the 5-point room scan, and I'll get to the rapin'!
SIGMUND: Steady on!
[present]
ILIA: Aww, the poor little police girl has such a BURDEN on her shoulder! Let me help you take some of the weight off! [cuts off her arm and Ruby screams] You're not even a decent guard dog! [stabs Ruby and she screams again] You're just the pet of a pet! A stupid, big-tittied POLICE GIRL! [cuts her eyes and Ruby screams in agony] Then again.. it's a matter of perspective, really! [laughs]
"Ruby!" "Where the hell is Jaune!?" "Someone save her!' the audience filled up with the sound of angry people vying to save this Ruby.
OSCAR: VA TE FAIRE FOUTRE! [attacks Ilia] It's French for 'FUCK OFF!' [shoots her away from Ruby]
"Go other me!" "Go Oscar!" Team RWBY, JNPR and Oscar yelled.
GRUNT 1: Captain, let's move!
GRUNT 2: Grab the girl and go!
OSCAR: Sure! Leave the 130 pound body to the guy with the GUT WOUND! [in French] I am girt by idiots..
"Yes, someone should at least help him." Ironwood said.
RUBY: [shakily] A-after the arm, I-I think it's about.. 105..
OSCAR: And the blood loss! Ugh, something I could use a lot less of right now! [internally] All right, Oscar! Keep it together.. one foot in front of the other! You've got the girl.. you've got your men.. you've got a way out of this living hell-- [gets stabbed from behind and falls]
"No other me!" "Oscar!" Oscar and Ruby yelled with worry.
ILIA: Wait your turn; I wasn't done PLAYING with that yet!
JAFFE: Holy shit! CAPTAIN, THAT GERMAN BITCH IS STILL ALIVE!
"We can see that!" Yang yelled angry at the events onscreen.
GRUNT 2: Jaffe, why the FUCK do I have to die with you?
RUBY: [shakily] Cap'n Pines.. w-what was that.. stabbing noise? A-an' that blood-drippin' noise? An' that body-hittin'-the wall noise? I'm blind, so I could really use a play-by-play..
OSCAR: I'm sorry, mon cher! It's not like me to leave a girl unsatisfied.. but it seems I just didn't have it in me this time..
"No Oscar don't die!" Ruby yelled "It's okay it's just another version of me" Oscar said.
RUBY: [shakily] Don't worry! I-it happens to guys all the time! Heh..
OSCAR: But I can at least tell you, mon cher.. it was.. good for me.
RUBY: ..Mr. Pines..? Oscar? OSCAR?! [they kiss]
Cinder snorted and looked away some the scene it was so sickly sweet she could get diabetes.
JAFFE: Aww!
GRUNT 2: That's sweet..
"Those guys just had to ruin the mood" Yang muttered.
OSCAR: Next time, maybe I'll get past first base! [laughs and coughs up blood] Ah, fat chance.. You're far too fine a wine.. for a lout like me.. [passes away]
"No... Oscar" Ruby muttered silently "it's not me" Oscar said reminding Ruby that it wasn't real.
RUBY: ..Oscar? Oscar? Please get up.. No! C-come on! No, come on! I-I-I can't do this alone! Master? Master, I need you here! I'm too weak for this! I'm too stupid for this! I-I can't handle this! I-I'm not a real vampire! I'm barely even a HUMAN! Master! WHAT DO I DO?! WHAT DO I DO?! [finds herself in a different room] Uh..
ALUCARD: You rang?
"Fearless Leader here! Now he'll fix everything up!" Nora yelled.
RUBY: Master? Everything's fallin' apart!
ALUCARD: Shit, you're right! You should REALLY get on that!
"That bastard!" Jaune yelled "does he even care!".
RUBY: Oscar.. Oscar's dead.. because of me! Everyone's dead.. because I wasn't strong enough!
ALUCARD: OH, so this is MY fault, then?
"What's he talking about?!" Sun said shocked.
RUBY: What? N.. n-no!
ALUCARD: Everything is my fault, apparently! Ate the last Spotted Dick pudding in the fridge? My fault! Crashed a car into the world's first British Dairy Queen? My fault! Unknowingly shot Archduke Ferdinand and blamed it on some other guy? Oh, MY fault!
RUBY: It's NOT your FAULT! Ilia, Oscar, the Flying Geese? They were MY responsibility!
ALUCARD: But I chose you! Are you saying I made the wrong choice? Because I don't make wrong choices.. I make investments.
RUBY: I'm sayin' I failed you! I failed EVERYONE!
Yang suddenly grasped Ruby by the shoulder "You didn't fail anyone okay!?" Yang yelled.
"O-kay" Ruby said shakily her ears hurting at the sound of Yang's yell.
ALUCARD: The only way you fail is by giving up.
RUBY: I give UP, because I'm not STRONG ENOUGH-
ALUCARD: LISTEN TO ME, DRACULINA! You are SO MUCH stronger than you let yourself be!
"YEAH! Listen to Fearless Leader Ruby!" Nora yelled.
RUBY: HOW DO YOU KNOW?!
ALUCARD: Because behind those eyes, I saw something I lost long ago: the will to live! Now.. stop running from who you are! Confront it! EMBRACE it.. and go for its fucking throat! Like a REAL FUCKING VAMPIRE!
[Ruby drinks Oscar's blood and becomes a true vampire, healing her injuries]
ILIA: That look.. HOW!? I cut out your eyes! How can you LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT?!
"Fuck you, that's how!" Yang yelled.
RUBY: Fuck you, that's how! ..Ilia, was it? L-listen, Ilia.. this whole fuckin' place.. is my house; you ain't the queen vampire bitch 'ere! I AM! And you know what we Brits always say: God. Save. The Queen!
"GO RUBY, KICK THEIR ASSES!" the teams yelled while Ruby blushed embarrassed at the at the attention she was getting but still had a smile on her face, nonetheless.
[Ruby rips through the Fangs like a tornado]
ILIA: She's like a fuckin' blender, turning my men into paste! A German Bloody Mary! Why didn't we know about this?! Why didn't ANYONE do proper reconnaissance?! [Ruby grabs her by the face] Aw, fick mich!
"Wasn't she supposed to do recon?" Sienna asked Adam.
"Yes" was his short, clipped reply but hint of rage could be heard simmering underneath his mask.
RUBY: SAY MY NAME, YOU NAZI BITCH! [groans and screams as Ruby bites off her hand] I SAID, SAY MY FUCKING NAME! SAY IT! SAY IT!
"Okay, Ruby don't you think you're going a bit too far" Weiss asked seeing Ruby literally grate Ilia's head on a wall.
"I think so" Ruby said going green in the cheeks
"Eh, she deserves it" Yang said shrugging uncaringly.
ILIA: RUBY ROSE!
[Ruby kills Ilia]
RUBY: ..And don't you FUCKIN' forget it!
"Yeah!" Ruby hollered for no reason she just felt like doing that.
[THE END]