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ALUCARD: Let me see if I get the grand scheme here, Benjamin Button. The Jerrys thought that if I purged all my souls, I wouldn't have my and at least *one* of you could kill me. So, when the "very fine people" of the White Fang military, those KKK-lookin' sons of bitches, and Cardin MOTHERFUCKING Winchester couldn't do the job, you thought you… …YOU were the guy. But quick question, Jolly-Ozzy; How many people lived in London? Or rather… died? Let's take a census! [ Party Party Party (Fauxchestral) ] LET ME GET SOME SIP!

"Holy shit!" Coco yelled in shock.

"There like rivers" Ruby shivered seeing the giant trail of blood.

ADAM: "Ah, willkommen!", said the spider to the fly. Although I'd say you're more of a hornet— [gunshots][Major giggles] And unlike its modest brother, zhe bee, zhe hornet does not die after it has stu— [more gunshots] It guards its nest with the ferocity and the tenacity of a— [even more gunshots] —OF A MOTHER WHO IS PROTECTING HER CHILD! [sword breaks]

"Why'd you use the sword if the gun didn't work?" Roman asked patronizingly.

ADAM: Okay, if zhe bullets veren't going to work, zhen vhy vould the sword?

WEISS: YOU COWARD!

Adam snorted at the hypocrisy at that statement.

ADAM: Ah, ve all have our shields. Some of us have tempered glass, others have the King of Vampires…
Speaking of whom…

WEISS: Huh? [Alucard cackling maniacally]

WEISS: Oh, Jesus… [Alucard cackling maniacally]

"Damn, he's going crazy" Sky said unnerved by the creepy laughter.

ADAM: Someone's on a binge after purging, [Alucard cackling maniacally] and it seems like our dear Alucard is looking to get vhite-girl-vasted. Let's hope that nobody spiked his drink, ja

BLAKE: (Laughing manically / gurgling) EEEEugh...! [Splash]

"Holy shit!" Team RWBY yelled.

"Why'd I do that!" Blake exclaimed.

"And what did Adam mean by spiking his drink!?" Weiss said to herself.

ALUCARD: Look at me, Ozpin! I'm sucking everyone but you! So in celebration of your wasted attempts, I'm going to give you the little death you deserve. And before you ask… YES! This IS a JoJo reference!

Salem giggled at that dig at Ozpin shocking Cinder and her follower's as they saw Salem convey that most emotion, they saw from their time with her.

OZPIN: I gave up everything to kill you! So just lie back… AND THINK OF HELL!

SALEMCARD: Ah, 'yameru', Ozpin! You're splitting me in two! [Ah, stop it, Ozpin!]

ALUCARD/SALEMCARD: Now do it another three million times, why doncha?!

"Damn" Mercury said summing up everyone's thoughts, Alucard had become unstoppable.

ADAM: Ah, poor Ozpin... Each second ticks his life down, all to grasp a victory zhat never belonged to him. A piece of our puzzle… three million, seven handred and eight thousand, nine handred and seventeen pieces large. and now… it falls to The White Fang… …to finish it.

Adam smiled at his doppelganger's words as he wondered what trump card his other had up his sleeve.

WEISS: What's going on!?

ADAM: Ah-hoh-hoh, Fräulein, have you ever heard of Schrödinger's cat?

"Schrodinger's cat? What is that?" Ruby asked.

"It kinda hard to explain, the very simplified version is something in superposition like being alive and dead at the same time" Weiss explained.

WEISS: I SHOT Schrödinger's cat!

ADAM: Indeed! And yet it lives! And yet it dies. It is here, yet it is not. It is a curious creation, von of infinite possibilities, as long as it remains unobserved. Yet, to consume a zhing is to know a thing. Alucard is now partaking of Varrant Officer Schrödinger's paradoxical existence, and as our dear cat-boy stares into the abyss zhat is within Alucard… …zhat abyss. Stares. Back. the vave function collapses… uncertainty becomes certainty… the proverbial coin flips… and.…

ALUCARD: 'Am I a bad person?'

"What's going on?!" Pyrrha shouted.

"He disappeared!" Nora said with worry.

"Did I do this?" Blake asked he

WEISS: ALUCARD! What did you do!?

ADAM: I CALLED HEADS!

WEISS: Whatever you've done with him... you're not making it out of here alive.

ADAM: then my last meal… shall be victory!

RUBY: Status report: Killed a Nazi werewolf; Oscar's inside me.

WEISS: He's inside of all of us, Ruby. Also, where did you find a werewolf?

ADAM: Vhere did you find Dracula?

WEISS: In a basement.

ADAM: How poetic; we found our werewolf in an attic. I mean, we find lots of things in attics.

RUBY: Holy shit!

ADAM: I meant antiques! the Jews vas our Führer's obsession, not mine! Anne Frankly, I'm insulted by the insinuation.

"How fucked up is this world?" Ironwood said out loud combing his hair with his hand.

WEISS: RUBY!

RUBY: Yes, Ma'am!

MAJOR: ( Excuse me, my dear) …but you're a few dothen millimeters too zhin. Now THAT'S what I'm talking about! COME ON, BITCH! SHOW ME WHAT YOU LOVE!

"Shoot that bastard Ruby!' Yang cheered.

"Go other me!" Ruby yelled.

DR. MERLOT: All these years of progress—ruined! After figuring out I could use the bones of Dracula's ex-wife to make vampires… now I have to start again! I can't stay in England OR Germany! I know! I'll go to Russia! They let you get away with anything there! As long as it's not too gay. What was zhat? Probably nothin—
[Bell ringing]

"MY WHAT!" Jaune yelled hearing what they used to create vampire's, needless to say no one felt anything at Merlot's death.

OZPIN: [laughing mirthlessly] [breaking down into tears] Y-You were right… You were the only thing… I cared about. I needed you back… so badly, I let Richard chase Weiss right into your arms. But by then… I was past my prime. So I betrayed them all… My master, my country; I tossed them to the wind… …for one last chance at you. Now I have nothing… but this hole in my-

COCO: When fortune smiles on something as violent and ugly as revenge… it seems proof like no other that not only does God exist, you're doing His will

OZPIN: Shot in the gut… slumped against a wall… …and executed by some crazy German Catholic bint quoting Kill Bill. Yes… A traitor's death.

"Damn" Yang said that was the only word her shocked mind could come up to say.

COCO: Pop… Pop. [Bang]

WEISS: The gates of Hell will have to swing wide for your fat White Fang carcass.

"You did it, Weiss!" Ruby congratulated her.

"But my eye!" Weiss yelled seeing Adam shoot out her eye.

Adam smiled at the scene even if he died, he at least took something from the Schnee.

"Well I mean would probably look badass with an eyepatch" Yang said trying to lift her partner's spirit.

"I guess" Weiss she was just glad that the psychopathic madman was finally dead while Adam looked at his counterpart, he had already accomplished his mission to kill Alucard so he guessed it was okay to die.

ADAM: Ah, Fräulein, if I'm so fat… - [Malfunctioning artificial voice] - how did you miss? …Hah! Never mind! Crack shot, 'damen!' [Crack shot, ladies!]

"What the hell?" Weiss said shocked at what she's looking at.

WEISS: I'm sorry; what the fuck am I looking at? Is that… metal and oil? Are you a cyborg? WHY ARE YOU A CYBORG!?

"I'm a Cyborg!?" Adam said in shock and was that giddiness?

"Why is he a cyborg?" Weiss said.

ADAM: I am no less a man then anyone vhis a pace maker or hearing aid... …for vhat is the marker of a man, but his interminable—

WEISS: No. A man is a homo sapien made of meat and blood! Not cogs and coolants and—I'm just going to assume—a hamster on a wheel!

ADAM: His name is Hamburg.

Mercury started laughing at that line finding something funny about it that no one else knew.

WEISS: …You're just fucking with me.

ADAM: and you finally get it. I… I see the line. The factory seal on society. A world mired in complacency. Slaves to their instincts, and fueled by anger and hatred! A rocket propellant as volatile as it is potent, and frighteningly… self-sustaining.

"So just what was the point of that speech" Roman said bored.

WEISS: Is there a rest stop between now and the fucking point?

ADAM: the POINT, Weiss Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing, is that ve are nozhing but scared, spiteful children, playing at adulthood; a fictitious lie of comfort and - even more repugnant - complacence! So vhat is a man to do… but vage var so calamitous and glorious… …zhat it would snap humanity out of its foolish, vorthless charade?! and who better… an opponent… than Hellsing?

WEISS: …Okay; but why are you a CYBORG, though!?

"Really Weiss your still hung up about that?" Yang asked quizzically.

"But it's true, WHY IS HE A CYBORG!?" Weiss yelled pulling her hair.

ADAM: Are you still on that? Okay, it's simple, you see— (Sighs) 'Hervorragend...' [Outstanding...] So long… Farewell… Auf Wiedersehen, goodbye… I leave… and heave… A sigh and say goodbye… Goo-o-o… [Powers down into silence]
[Recorder clicks]

"Wait, why was I recording that?" Weiss asked.

"You agreed to record Adam's death for Cinder remember?" Blake told Weiss.

Cinder smiled at the scene at least she will also be getting her due.

WEISS: You're not entirely wrong… You just didn't have to be such an asshole about it. (Sighs)

RUBY: What's wrong? Is it the eye?

WEISS: That… …And he just ruined 'The Sound of Music' for me.

RUBY: So… where's Alucard?

WEISS: I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA!

"He just disappeared" Blake remembered.

"What did happen to him?" Winter asked not getting any answers.

[ "Edelweiss" - Acoustic Guitar Instrumental ]

[Birds chirping / metal clanging]

[Typewriter clacking]

MAN: 3,708,917 casualties alone in London that fateful night… Luckily, with help from the Americans, rebuilding hasn't been too difficult.

"So, this is the aftermath of what happened" Winter said.

"Weren't the Americans the nation that imploded on itself?" Ironwood asked.

ROB: Tell me… How are the Americans doing since... the incident?

MAN: Well, there was a bit of a stir when they decided that since corporations are people... …they could technically run for president. But President Walt Disney Pepsi Comcast has done wonders for the economy… …being that it is… now the economy.

ROB: Quite. Hold on… Wasn't Weiss supposed to join us?

'Hm, where am I?' Weiss thought.

MAN: She has a meeting with the, uh, Catholics today.

ROB: I see. She's still looking for answers.

MAKUBE: And so after traveling all over Europe and America-Classic and doing countless hours of research in the halls of the Vatican and Wikipedia… we still do not know how or why he was a cyborg.

WEISS: Excuses! Go to America there and don't come back until you've got answers!

"Really Weiss you're still trying to find out why Adam was a cyborg?" Blake asked.

"Sh-shut up!" Weiss stammered.

"What type of beauty products are you using? You still look good after thirty years" Yang said.

MAKUBE: Of course, Sir Weiss.

ANTONIO: (Sighing) I miss Canada…

COCO: [GLARES]

RUBY: [Puckers]

"Wow Ruby guess Coco is jealous of your good looks" Yang slyly complimented Ruby's look while dissing Coco.

ANTONIO: Sir, didn't we supply White Fang with the cyborg technology?

"They did?" Weiss said.

MAKUBE: First of all—they're "enhanced humans".

COCO: Second—shut your communion hole! The walls have ears.

[ Does damage to the wall]

OSCAR: Agh! 'Fils d'une pute italienne!' [Son of an Italian whore!]

"It's Oscar!" Ruby shouted.

MAKUBE: And third of all— NO, WE DIDN'T!

ANTONIO: What in Dante's first-through-fourth Hells was THAT!?

COCO: Something most foul and inhuman… A Frenchman in love with an Englishvoman.

"What?" Ruby asked not getting the joke.

MAKUBE: We will continue to leave them alone until this peace treaty has run its course. In the meantime, it puts men on the inside of Hellsing as the Vatican rebuilds. Also, Coco, do you need Antonio to change your bandages?

COCO: No.

MAKUBE: Will you ever change your bandages?

COCO: No!

"You do know that not changing your bandages can lead to infections, right Ms. Adel? " Glynda asked Coco.

WEISS: All right, gentlemen; wrap it up and hit the showers. And stop bullying Ironwood Jr. Jr.

"Wait, your name is Ironwood Jr.?" Qrow busted laughter while Winter sent him a burning hot glare and Ironwood was dignified enough to not respond to Qrow's teasing.

IRONWOOD JR JR: I don't want to fence. I want to make reaction videos.

WEISS: Nevermind; bully him harder!

"Weiss, I that's mean!" Ruby said.

IRONWOOD JR JR: (Sobbing)

WEISS:[Sighs]These are the dullards I leave this organization to when I die.

RUBY: Mum, you're 52, British, and rich. You'll outlive them all.

"Mum?" Summer asked Ruby quizzically.

WEISS: Don't you talk to me about outliving people, Ruby! I know you can't see yourself in the mirror, but we both know you haven't aged a day! And yet every day, I find another wrinkle!

"Wow even Weiss is jealous of you Ruby" Yang teased her little sister.

OZPIN: I would hold your hand in public.

RUBY: You know what I think? [deep voice] I think you're afraid you'll die before he comes back.

[Gets kicked in the Face] Ma'am! That hurt!

WEISS: We DO NOT talk about him!

RUBY: But Ma'am, he's—

WEISS: A deadbeat who skipped out on us for 30 years and counting! Speak one more word of him… and I'll lock you in a crate and ship you to Abu Dhabi!

RUBY: No! Not again! Oh, every Monday with you!

Some of the audience laughed at the exchange while Nora asked "Where is Jaune?".

[Footsteps]

[Fiendish snarling]

[Weiss screaming]

"Oh no! What's happening!" Ruby screamed.

"An attack now!" Weiss yelled.

RUBY: Sir Weiss! I came as fast as I could! I didn't even put panties on! Is everything okay!? Are we ander attack!? DO I HAVE TIME TO GO AND PUT PANTIES ON?!

"At least its censored" Ruby.

?: Don't bother… I'd just charm 'em back off again.

"It's Jaune!" Pyrrha yelled.

ALUCARD: How are my favorite ladies?

RUBY: Master!

INTEGRA: So… You're finally back after 30 years. How was your walk?

ALUCARD: Got a little too enthusiastic, and… got a little lost.

"Lost?" Winter voiced her thoughts.

ALUCARD: Hello? Hello?

?: Hey.

ALUCARD: Hi…?
?: Name's David. I'm an accountant.

ALUCARD: Don't remember asking.

DAVID: And I'm sad.

ALUCARD: Ahhh, Jesus.

[voiceover] Turned out I was trapped inside myself with 3,424,867 people. …So you didn't have a ton of friends.

"Wow, that must have been shitty" Roman said.

DAVID: I think it was 'cause I was ugly.

ALUCARD: Hm, probably.

DAVID: Ohh…

ALUCARD: Ah, but who gives a fuck? That just means the people who liked you for you were more deserving.

"Wow, that's actually a good pep talk" Taiyang said.

DAVID: Oh.

ALUCARD: It's like your ugliness curated their shittiness.

DAVID: Oh. Y-yeah, you're right. [fwoosh]

ALUCARD: Huh… Well, that was—

ASUNA?: I'm Becky.

ALUCARD: Ohhhh…

BECKY: And, I don't want to be racist, buuuut…

ALUCARD: Shiiiit… [vo] And my only way out… was to help them out.

"I don't see how that's bad?" Ruby said.

?: And I just… I j-just get so angry, every time I'd see a guy kiss another guy.

ALUCARD: You think maybe you were angry because you couldn't be one of those guys?
Because if you were, all your friends might think less of you?

?: Oh. Oh, shit.

ALUCARD: Yeeep.

?: Do you want to make out?

ALUCARD: I don't date patients.

?: Yeah, that's fair. [fwoosh]

ALUCARD: Next. [vo] And I started getting good at it.

"Hnnk, It's like therapist" Nora snickered.

[ "I'll be There For You" - The Rembrandts ]

?: So my son resented me because I never made time for him unless he asked.

ALUCARD: Yup; because if he'd really mattered… …you would have put yourself out there.

?: Damn. [fwoosh]

ALUCARD: NEXT!

?: I don't know why she was angry. I told her I'd support her no matter what she chose.

ALUCARD: That doesn't sound like a partner. That sounds like a clutch

?: Shit, you're right! [fwoosh]

?: Every time I see a girl kissing another girl—

ALUCARD: You're gay!

?: Ohhhhh…! [fwoosh]

"This is boring" Mercury said "wake me up when it gets funny" he finished before laying on his recliner and resting.

ALUCARD: [vo] Turns out, like, a whole third of them were just in the closet. Sleeping around wasn't the problem. Being dishonest was.

[fwoosh]

ALUCARD: And again, that's why your relationships kept failing. Facebook.

[fwoosh]

ALUCARD:You're gay. Dude, you're allowed to like Friends that much; it was a good show.

[fwoosh]

But you didn't love the one you were with.

[fwoosh]

You're straight! Futa isn't gay... …I think.

[fwoosh]

Getting angry about books made for horny teenage girls was ridiculous then… …and it's ridiculous now.

[fwoosh]

Don't mistake youthful selfishness for genuine malice. Nobody isn't kind of an asshole in their early twenties, and if they actually weren't, they were probably sociopaths.

[fwoosh]
You're a sociopath!

[fwoosh]

You—

[music abruptly stops]

"Is that his soul?" Ruby said in astonishment.

S-ALUCARD: Are we a bad person?

ALUCARD: Well, let's start with the twenty thousand people we impaled.

S-ALUCARD: We were pretty mad at Dad that day.

ALUCARD: And then I spent the last ten years on that.

"It took ten years to do therapy on himself?" Winter asked.

WEISS: Couldn't you have just killed them all?

ALUCARD: Ah, I tried. Especially on me.

WEISS: So… You're back for good, then?

ALUCARD: Bitch, I'm everywhere! …And yet nowhere.

WEISS: Then welcome home, Michael McDoesn'tExist.

ALUCARD: [chuckling] Now come on, girl. You know what I'm here for.

"What is he talking about?" Weiss wondered.

WEISS: After thirty years, I'm not the young woman I used to be.

"Wait, EHHH!?" Weiss's face was beet red as RBY laughed at her expression.

ALUCARD: You do kind of look like a genderbent Ozpin. And, it may be the thirty-year dry spell but that is doing it for me!

Jaune blushed as he looked at Weiss in the audience and then onscreen.

WEISS: Well then, my count… Come and get you some sip.

ALUCARD: Keep your arm steady… …my countess.

"So, this is the end?" Ruby said sad that the experience was over.

[drip]

[ TFS cover (Nick "Lanipator" Landis vocals) of "Shine" by Mr. Big ]

I never really feel quite right, and I don't know why All I know is something's wrong Every time I look at you, you seem so alive Tell me how do you do it, walk me through it I'll follow your every footstep Maybe on your own you take a cautious step 'Til you want to give it up, but all I want is for you to Shine Shine down on me Shine on this life that's burnin' out

"This song is good" Yang said.

OZPIN: Ma'am, if I wanted to stab you in the back, I'd have done it between cleaning your ashtrays and laundering Ruby's brassieres.

SERAS: But, I— I don't—

"What does he mean by that?" Ruby said.

ALUCARD: Lace makes me feel confident.

ALUCARD: Nobody "ruined" your childhood! The Teen Titans you liked is still on DVD.

ALUCARD: You do kind of look like a genderbent Ozpin. Why-Boner 3: G!

That got some laughter from the audience.

ALUCARD: There is no such thing as an ironic fan of "Eromanga Sensei".

ALUCARD: Seriously, let Ozpin explain himself. Maybe he just got tired of doing… What does a butler do?
Ozpin: I buttle, sir.

"Was that a joke?" Yang said not really getting it.

ALUCARD: Ha! See? This is why we're friends, Walter.

ALUCARD: Dude, you weren't being a Joey; you were a Chandler trying to be a Joey and you came off as a Ross. And I'm not talking "early seasons" Ross; I'm talking seasons 6 to 9.

ALUCARD: So, you ever heard of Schrödinger's cat?

WEISS: Yes; I had a lot of time to study physics while you were gone.

RUBY: She's lying! She was studying cybernetics!

"RUBY!" Weiss shouted in embarrassment.

WEISS: I can do both!

ALUCARD: Cybernetics? Why?!

WEISS: Because the Major was a cyborg!

ALUCARD: Ho-ho-ho-ho-hold on; why was he a cyborg?

WEISS: RIGHT?!

ALUCARD: That's fucking stupid! And before you ask… YES! This IS a JoJo reference!

OZPIN: Part One was the best.

ALUCARD: Ah, you would say that, ya fucking Brit.

ADAM: I prefer Part Two.

ALUCARD: You killed the last white rhino?! Hope the boner was worth it, you fuck.

ALUCARD: Uh, by the way, did One Piece wrap up finally?

WEISS: Yeah, but it's got a sequel called "Two Piece".

ALUCARD: Is it any good?

WEISS: Ah, not sure how I feel about Buffy as the main character… [Boo-fee]

Shine Shine down on me Shine on this life that's burnin' out Shine Shine down on me [Fade-out] Shine on this life that's burnin' out… [Piano instrumental]

"Why did it have to end!?" Nora cried out hugging Ren as tears ran down her face.

OKAY WERE DONE HERE BYE BYE

The audience stammered questions before having their memories erased and disappearing from the theater.

FINALLY ITS DONE.