Hi, this is the first story I've written in a very long time. Written quickly on my phone when I should have been sleeping, and posted immediately so I wouldn't chicken out! Constructive criticism appreciated.
Trigger Warnings: grief, panic attacks
Tears rolled down her cheek, the breeze chilling them into strips of ice as her chest heaved with unreleased emotion.
Her face was suddenly warm and pressed against cotton, dazed, she struggled to release herself from the bonds trapping her still.
Somewhere in the back of her mind a switch flipped, she recognised that scent, and the strong arms attached to it.
Jack.
Instead of trying to pull away, she buried closer, clutching her arms around the strong torso she was being pulled into. Her heart skipped, and the tears fell in increasing sobs, in the security of his arms.
Grief overcame her, and time seemed to slow.
She struggled to look back, oh god Adam! Her chest constricted feeling as if her heart was about to explode, oh god, his kids, his wife. She struggled for air through the sobs, making her hiccup and gasp.
The warmth she clung to was trembling, shivering, and she came to the conclusion that he too was crying.
She'd been here before, in his arms, crying, and the old grief of Leo broke through to add to the constriction of her chest.
Another glance back at Adam, and her mind superimposed images of Jack, after his collision with the car all those years ago, battered and broken in the hospital bed. Oh god, she had been so close to losing him too.
She dragged in another deep breath, a sob stuttering the motion then surged upwards, clinging to Jack's shoulder to give herself leverage she peppered his face with kisses, murmering through the tears and sobs,
"I'm sorry, god, I can't loose you too, I love you, we've been idiots, please, I love you,"
The sobs returned ten fold and she realised she was hyperventilating, a panic attack bluring the edges of her vision. Blind panic followed. Oh god, she couldn't breathe, she gripped tighter at the arm under her right hand, the left flailing in panic. A voice was talking, she could hear it, but none of the words made any sense. Her flailing arm was caught in a gentle hand and brought in to rest on a broad chest over a heart beat.
"Breath Nikki, with me, in... out..."
She tried to match the rhythm, failing miserably for the fist dozen breaths, then began to slow, releasing shuddering breaths as slow as she could manage, the panic in her chest started to subside, and her vision started to clear at the edges.
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry" she repeated on a loop.
To be honest, she had no idea what she was apologising for, be it for pulling Adam into this mess, for having a panic attack, for Leo, for kissing Jack, all of it? None of it? She wasn't sure but the guilt was compelling her to repeat it over and over anyway.
"Shhhh, its okay, its okay" was murmered into her ear "lets go, they've got him now, we don't need to be here"
She was steared awkwardly sideways towards the car, she had refused to let go, fearing she may just collapse without the support.
She had been unceremoniously dumped into the passenger seat when the world came rushing back into reality. The tears dried, her chest released its grasp, and a false sense of calm enveloped her, her breathing evened out.
She spent most of the journey silently, watching the world go past the window, the odd sniffle coming from the drivers seat making he heart thud in her chest. She wanted to comfort him, but unable to because of the driving, she suddenly realised he may not want it after her sudden outburst of emotions and declarations of love, God she'd made a fool out of herself. Just as the panic that she was about to loose him too, all of her own making, bubbled to the surface, the car stopped outside his house.
"Come on, I'm not leaving you alone tonight, you can stay at mine. Think we both need the company."
They sat cuddled on the slightly battered brown sofa, Jack's arm over her shoulder, the TV playing quietly in the background. On any other day, this would be bliss, but all it made her feel was more guilt, that even though the terrible circumstances that led to this, she was still overjoyed to be pressed so close to him. The elephant in the room - her confession, was, at least for the time being, being pushed to the background.
She awoke slowly, under a heavy blanket, warm, comfy and drapped over a slowly rising and falling chest. The dawning realisation that she was in bed, in Jack's bed, in Jack's bed WITH Jack! And she had no recollection of getting there.
The memories from the night before slowly filtered in. The grief tried to take hold, but she pushed it into THAT box in the back of her mind to be delt with at a later date.
She felt her pillow stir, rousing himself from sleep.
"So are we going to talk about it?" He inquired quietly.
"I'm not sure this is the right time or place, do you?" Fear creeping into her voice.
"Yes, this way you can't run away, and I, err, I can't run away either" he tightened his arm gently round her shoulder.
"Should I go first?" He enquired, took a deep breath then, "I love you, i have done since the day we met, took me a while to realise, and then i was too terrified to lose you, to do anything about it."
She was stunned, sure she'd hoped he'd felt the same, but doubt had always crept in, stopping her from acting on it.
"R-really?" She stammered
"Yes" he replied, confidently, dispelling any lingering doubt in her mind.
"I'm sorry that was our first kiss, it wasn't what I expected" she apologised.
"Does that mean you've been thinking about kissing me then?" He said in a teasing tone whilst waggling his eyebrows exaggeratedly, a grin on his face.
She blushed violently, the red reaching the top of her ears, whilst smiling widely before her face dropped.
"I'm not sure this is the right time, with Adam just.."
"Hey, Adam was our biggest fan, I'm sure he'd be happy he helped us figure out what's in front of us! He asked me you know, on his first day, if we were together, and to be honest I didn't really say no, i just you were my best friend. And that is true, but god, do I love you too. So much sometimes it physically hurts" his cheeks had gone pink and he looked like he might cry at the admission.
"I've nearly lost you to many times, it'll absolutely break me if I do."
She reached up gently, caught his chin in her palm and leaned in slowly, their lips met in a ghost of a kiss, she pulled back resting their foreheads together, a heartbeat later and Jack had circled his arms about her and pulled her in for a long passionate kiss.