a/n: big thanks to my packmate SesshomaruFreak for letting me borrow her Wolf Den Tavern for this (pseudo?)-heirverse thing, and for generally being so motivating and positive and encouraging - and for having faith in me when I had none myself. Go check her stuff out! Especcially if you like RenBya. My fave of hers is Healing the Moon which is well worth a read :) anyway, enjoy the rest of this slowburn horror.
He took another deep, shaking breath. Trying to stifle the fear that was now growing inside him. Swishing about his ankles like tar and slowly rising. Like the tar in his nightmares. Soon it would consume him – if he let it.
But that seemed too big an ask. He needed a smoke. A drink. Anything to take the edge off the terror and guilt threatening to drown him.
It would've been different if their last words to each other hadn't been in the heat of an argument. If they hadn't been nasty and spiteful. But they had. They had. And now there was nothing he could do to make it up to Gin.
Because Gin simply didn't exist anymore.
His whole life... gone in the blink of an eye.
And the last words I said to him were that I never wanted him.
He's gone. And it's all my fault.
He swallowed the large lump forming in his throat and shoved those thoughts aside. Don't think about that, he schooled his thoughts. But his mind was an unruly student, and refused to listen. Making him want to collapse and curl up into a ball and hide forever. Because the pain of being without Gin was too much. Just too much. The world seemed too fast without Gin there to slow it down, and he wasn't sure he could keep up on his own.
Not that he had much choice anymore. He had to now.
But that didn't make it easier.
It didn't make his chest hurt any less.
It didn't make it any easier to breathe.
It didn't make the air around him any less frigid.
And it certainly didn't make the sky any brighter.
He tried to breathe deeply and count to ten. Listing off five different things he could see, four things he could hear, just to ground himself in this new reality.
Whoever or whatever had taken Gin had been very thorough. Wiping him from all the records as well as the memories of everyone who knew him. Except himself, of course. Whoever did this obviously wanted him to suffer. He still remembered Gin. How could he forget? Gin was the best thing to ever happen to him. He wasn't going to forget that. Ever. No matter what forces were at play here.
But that didn't change the fact Gin was gone because of him.
Whoever said that bullshit line about it being better to have loved and lost obviously never loved anyone the way he loved Gin. Because it was a thousand times worse to have loved and lost. Worse till to have Lost in the worst way possible.
He took a deep trembling breath and shoved the bulk of the fear and the guilt aside. First things first. He had to orientate himself in this new Gin-free world. If there was any hope at all of finding Gin, it would help to know the lay of the land.
He stood on shaking legs and walked back outside. The breeze hitting his face. Gods, even the air here felt foreign now Gin wasn't around to breathe it with him.
He checked his watch for the time, noting it'd probably be best if he showed his face at the office, even for just a little while. After all, people might become suspicious if he was absent too long.
After all, who knew what else had changed with the disappearance of Ichimaru Gin?
So with reluctance, he trudged his way back to the office, wondering what he might find.
. . .
When he opened the door and sat down at his desk, things seemed pretty normal at first glance. The paperwork was right where he left it the previous day, all the furniture was the same. Even the scratchmarks on the desk were still there. Seemingly, nothing much had changed.
Until he looked a little closer.
The photograph of him and Gin he kept on his desk had gone. The little dent in the wall from that time Gin had gotten a little too enthusiastic in welcoming him back from a month long mission to the human world had been smoothed flat. The white cat mug with the green inside had been replaced with a generic shop bought affair, something the previous incarnation of himself would've bought for the office while he kept the good crockery at home. The inky pawprints from Gin's pet fox Cherry no longer stained either the floorboards or the desk. Because of course, if Gin didn't exist, then he hadn't saved the fox kit from dying in the rain and freezing to death. Poor Izuru was probably a lot less tormented as well.
Small things. Tiny insignificant things to everyone except him. Somehow that made it worse. All the minute ways Gin had impacted the world around him suddenly undone in a heartbeat.
He wondered idly if the world at large might've been made a better place now Gin had been erased from it. But shoved that thought aside as quickly as it came. No. If the world's been made better for the lack of him, it's not a world I want to live in.
But if the rest of the world had no knowledge or recollection of Gin, it followed that he'd soon join them, too. I have to hold onto him, he told himself. Hold onto the memories, in case I forget.
The door opened then, and out of habit he looked up and called Gin's name softly. Only to be disappointed when Hinamori Momo walked in. Big smile on her face. "Good morning Captain Aizen."
Ah, he thought, heart sinking beyond the floorboards. I see this hasn't changed.
"Good morning," he greeted her, though his heart wasn't really in it.
"How are you today, Captain?" she asked him. All sweet smiles and charm. Trying too hard and failing to even be a hundredth of what Gin was.
"Not bad," he lied. Lies came so smoothly these days. In reality he felt like shit. "How about you, lieutenant?"
It was a nice question. A safe question. A deflective question, to divert attention away from the huge hole inside his world where Gin used to take up space.
Hinamori laughed. "Promoting me already?" she asked, grinning. "You really must need your morning tea. Matsumoto's your lieutenant, Captain Aizen."
"Matsumoto?" he echoed. Oh. Of course. Without Gin existing to take his place as his second in command, he must have chosen the next best candidate. Rangiku Matsumoto. "Yes. Of course."
Hinamori sighed softly and shook her head. "I'll get your cup of tea so you can wake up properly. I've left you yesterday's reports on your desk, okay Captain?"
"Yes," he said numbly. Sitting down at his desk quickly before his legs could buckle underneath him. "Thankyou."
Although after this morning, I need a much stronger drink than tea.
. . .
The day passed as he expected it to. Which was really saying something, considering everything else about this day hadn't been at all like he expected. The reports were a godsend of a distraction, and he was able to settle into his routine as he normally would. Though he still caught himself glancing up at the doorway for signs of Gin, before he remembered Gin didn't exist in this reality. But he'd get him back. Cost what it may, if it was the last thing he did, he'd get his Gin back.
Rangiku appeared at Gin's usual time, which threw him for another loop. But she was still as he remembered her, bright, cheery. Still with a penchant for drink.
"Good morning, Captain," she beamed in greeting. Of course, she wasn't his Moon. Hell, nobody else but Gin could be, but she was warm and pleasant and he did get on well with her. But he still couldn't shake the feeling that he was in the wrong world. That something was missing.
Gin.
He must have been disassociating, because next thing he knew, Rangiku was waving her hand in front of his face. "Hey, come on Captain, shifts over. Put the pen down and stop workin'."
He did as he was told. Her Rukon drawl only serving to remind him of the missing Gin.
"Ah, yes, you're right. I must have forgotten the time."
She nodded. "Hey, so me and a few friends are gonna hit the Wolf Den Tavern tonight for a few drinks. You should come with us!"
"I..."
"whaddya say?" she grinned at him. "Wanna come hang out with me and my pack?"
He was blindsided. Trapped. A deer in the headlights. Caught off guard and on the back foot. Realising that because of Gin's near constant presence in his life, he'd had enough headspace to think, to keep on top of things. To keep his sanity intact and his head firmly screwed on. And so usually a question like this would've been anticipated, carefully avoided, safely deflected and the invitation politely declined.
But without Gin...
He swallowed. Don't think about that.
"Yes," he said. Hoping his voice didn't sound as hoarse as he thought it did. Anything for a distraction until I can think of a way to find him. "I'd love to."