Healing was never a therapeutic process. It was a process wracked with worry and self doubt no matter how many times Amy did it. There was always the worry in the back of her head that she would somehow make a huge mistake despite her instinctive knowledge of the human body. There was always the fear she'd give in to a deeply buried desire to… experiment. Every single time she touched another person she had to consciously hold back the urge to upgrade or alter them in some way. And every single time it got a little bit harder to hold back.

When she first started healing it was nothing. The urge wasn't there at all. But the more she did the greater the urge got. To do something different. The more people she saved the bigger the pain that she couldn't save everyone. The heavier the weight got. It was a death by degrees that had led her to this point. Her fear of being seen in the same league as monsters like Bonesaw and Nilbog. Her self doubt spurred by the woman who was supposed to be her mother and her love of the woman who she should have seen as a sister.

Since the first night she'd met Sacrosanct the urge hadn't been as prevalent. It was still there, but she could mostly ignore it. It was a more than welcome change. In fact, she felt herself actually happy with just the happiness and thanks of the people she helped, something that she hadn't felt since she first started. Yet today the thoughts to experiment were back with a violent force. Maybe it was the fact her emotions were still running high from hearing her family had died but with every healthy person she touched she felt a tinge of anger that she was wasting her time when there were people she could actually be helping. She felt the urge to want to do something… different.

One of the more senior nurses, Rose, must have been able to tell she was getting frustrated or that she wasn't up for doing diagnostics because she made her take a break. She was hesitant to go considering how many more people they had to check, but they had forced her hand, threatening to ban her from the hospital for a week if she didn't take a break. Which now saw Amy curled up in one of the call rooms of the hospital waiting for when she had to go back out and run more diagnostics. Her regular hero robe and scarf were thrown on the bed next to her as she stared down at the white skull mask in her hand.

She found it ironic that her mask was a skull. She was a healer. Her power set was explicitly for helping people. Yet her mask was so blatantly a symbol of death. It didn't really help that she often felt like just dying. It would have been easier than dealing with the trash fire her life had become since Vicky had tried her intervention.

Her thoughts slipped back to her sister for just a moment before she pulled them back. She'd have to go see her family soon, probably after her forced break was over, but she didn't want to think about them. She hadn't seen Vicky since she'd accidentally professed her less than sisterly love for her and she was… not looking forward to that. Not in the slightest.

"Why am I like this?" She sighed, dropping the mask to her side and holding her head in her hands. More than once she'd decried her sexuality but she was never sure if it was specifically because of her attraction to her sister or not. There were a lot of reasons she hated herself for not being "Normal" but that was the biggest and she didn't know if it was the social taboo of who she was most attracted to, the fear of retribution from Carol and possibly the people at school, or just that liking girls made her feel more "other" than she already did.

"Stop it," She snapped at herself. She wasn't supposed to be thinking about that. Like that. Vicky had told her more than once to stop being so hard on herself and it wasn't like she could change her sexuality. Now wasn't the time to worry about it. She was supposed to be thinking about the Espada and her possible place with them. They were villains. Or at least that was how they tended to be painted since the thing with Canary. In truth, looking them objectively, they were closer to vigilantes, not that the PRT cared to distinguish since they weren't affiliated with them. They'd taken out the Merchants and the Empire, making the city significantly safer. Sacrosanct was working on creating a homeless shelter and regularly helped clean up the aftermath of large attacks. They'd tried to help at the bank robbery. Samael and Nihilus regularly patrolled parts of the city and stopped criminals.

But on the other side they were probably involved in the robbery if Grue and Hellhound being on their team was anything to go by. They were rumored to have worked with the villains to stop Bakuda, thought hat wasn't entirely bad considering what she'd been doing to the city. They were working with Purity. There were rumors they'd co-opted a Ward. They were trying to take over the criminal underground of the city and had even claimed territory. They'd broken Canary out of jail.

She focused on that last one for a moment. Canary was supposed to go to the Birdcage for what had happened with her boyfriend. Even if it was completely accidental her powers were horrifying. And now they had access to that power. But… She couldn't help but sympathize. Her biggest fear, more than anything she'd revealed to Vicky, was the public finding out the true nature of her power. She knew, beyond any doubt, that she'd be shipped right off to the Birdcage for something like that. They might give her a chance or two, but the moment she screwed up it was Brute restraints and one way ticket to hell on Earth. If she were in Canary's position she'd more than welcome the save. She couldn't honestly decry them for saving someone who didn't honestly deserve to go to the Birdcage. Especially not when she'd protected Vicky from the consequences of her actions for so long, accidental as they may have been most of the time... Sometimes.

She eyed the tattoo on the inside of her right forearm with a mix of frustration and longing. She couldn't tell if things would have been better if she'd never gotten that thing. Maybe things would have turned out alright if she didn't have to worry about being associated with them the second anyone saw the tattoo. She momentarily mourned the fact she could no longer wear short sleeves. On the other hand… The Espada seemed… Nice. Like a family. Aunt Sarah's was nice and her side of the family was just as supportive as Vicky without being overbearing but she was worried about being a nuisance. She was sure she'd have to talk with them at some point but it was… The Espada seemed like the better place to be herself without judgment.

"Panacea?" Rose asked, knocking on the door. "You think you're ready to continue?"

Amy looked down at the bed for a moment, hands wringing in worry and anticipation. She didn't want to check on the rest of New Wave, not now, but she felt the longer she put it off the worst it would get.

"Yeah," She said, sending the mask away as she stood up and put her robe and scarf back on.

—

Amy stood outside the room they'd given to her family, an empty cup of coffee in one hand and a stress ball squeezed tightly in the other. She knew she probably looked insane to anyone passing by but she was nervous and the stress ball and coffee were only doing so much to help her relax. The fear she felt at the idea of seeing Vicky again after so long, of talking to Carol about what had happened…

"Dammit," She sighed, realizing the stress ball had given way, essentially bursting in her hand under the pressure. She was about to go ask for another, or six, because there was no way she was sitting in a talk with Carol without something to help her manage the overwhelming sensation of terror that usually came with dealing with an angry Carol, when she felt a wave of… something wash over her. It was warm and comforting and made her feel—.

"Amy!" Vicky said, flying over to her sister and pulling her into a tight hug above the ground.

She didn't fight the hug, both because she welcomed it and because she didn't want to be dropped, but she wasn't entirely comfortable. She realized that the warm feeling was from Vicky. From her Aura. And more than that it made her feel… Love. The type of love she was ashamed of. Her face twisted in confusion as she tried to puzzle out what was happening to her.

"Vicky," She said softly, "Aura."

"Oh! Sorry!" She said quickly putting Amy back on the ground.

The difference was immediate and striking. It was still there, but not as strong. She still felt warm but not nearly as warm. She still felt love but… It wasn't as strong. Nowhere near what it was in that moment where she'd caught the elated look on her sisters face. She realized, with some confusion, that feeling the aura again had felt good. Really good. It was like getting to snuggle back into a warm bed after being out on a snowy winter morning. It was a feeling she found, with some horror, that she'd missed.

When she was staying with her aunt, she hadn't had any contact with her sister. While she was there she'd felt different. She'd found, thinking on it now, that her feelings weren't nearly as intense. She still loved her sister, but there was no devotion to it. She was still attracted to her but there was no love. She didn't get butterflies at the mere thought of her. She didn't get that schoolgirl giddiness that she'd associated with being around her for so long. The feelings were there but not nearly as strong. She'd realized, only now that she had the blanket that was Vicky's aura back, that she'd felt cold until now. That the world was dimmer without her sisters influence and that every time she was away from her that was what she'd felt. Cold.

It put things in perspective. A horrifying perspective, but still. She began rethinking everything, even with the growing feeling of warmth she was able to focus on just how… Devoted, she'd been to her sister. Letting a lot of things go that she shouldn't have. Barely putting up a fight against things she wouldn't have let anyone else convince her to do. The sheer jealousy she'd had for Gallant. Not that it wasn't normal to feel jealous that someone was with the person you wanted to be with but that was… just plain unhealthy. Thinking about killing someone out of jealousy wasn't normal at all and the thought had crossed her mind more than once, even if she'd never really entertained it.

"Aura," She said, snapping back to her sister once she'd felt the warmth get too much to bear.

"Sorry!" Vicky apologized again. "You weren't listening to me. Are you… Okay now?" She asked awkwardly.

Amy didn't know how to answer that question. Not when her world had essentially been turned on it's head and shaken for all the cash in its pockets.

"I… I need to go," Amy said slowly as she started backing away. She noticed the look of worry and sadness on her sisters face and she almost stayed until she realized she was being influenced again. "We'll talk later," She offered as she took off in the opposite direction from her sister.

She had to get away from her. Away from her aura. Away from the feelings and the revelations and everything. She couldn't be near her sister and she had to be anywhere else in the world but there.

"Hey!" She heard a familiar warble call out to her. She stopped, looking around to find Sacrosanct and Nihilus walking together.

"You okay?" Nihilus asked gently.

"No… I… I just…" She struggled to hold back the flood of tears that threatened to start down her face. Her throat hurt from trying to keep from crying and her breathing was ragged. "Is it okay if I stay with you for a bit?" She choked.

The two looked at one another for a moment and nodded, helping her to their room.

It was only as the two helped her through the halls, when she didn't feel so high strung, that she realized the stress ball in her hand had turned to ash.

AN: This chapter was a bit harder to write than I was expecting. I was originally going to have her start talking to her family then freak out at Vicky's aura, partially disintegrate her chair, then take off, leaving everyone in New Wave kind of freaked out. I figured it would be better if it was only Vicky that saw the little freak out. Amy is also another character I find difficult to write at times since I want to avoid leaning into fanon. Also, chapter is late cause my apartment was getting renovations and I didn't have my laptop Friday and this chapter required some rewrites.