Regret
.
It's everywhere… and nowhere at the same time.
Like the forever present scent of those damned cigarettes, permeating the air… it's almost heavy against your skin, like a veil that protects you from the sun and it's warmth, embracing you in coldness and weird shades of gray that weren´t there to begin with, and it's so thick you can taste it in your lips… a sour and distasteful ghost, coating your tongue in disgust, robing you from the tiniest pleasures and the sweetest moments.
You can´t see it, yet it's there. You know it's there. So prevalent and adaptive, it has this ability to morph into whatever it needs to, remaining invisible until it's time for it to creep you and be noticed. It rests heavy on your shoulders and if you look in the mirror you can catch it in your eyes… when you laugh you can feel it in the corners of your mouth.
A smile from an old friend is no longer warm and any attempt at being playful has lost all meaning, there's no strength in a hug, no relief on someone's arrival and the eco of that inviting and playful tone is now enough to weigh down your soul and force you to drag your body around even more… because deep down you know it was always a lame facade, like the one you keep up yourself.
Maybe if she had stayed that day…
—I wonder… was there ever anything that could have been done to avoid this?
She exhaled some more smoke into the room and leaned her head back, looking at the ceiling. —I guess… once something happens, suddenly the possibilities are endless.
—Is there a possibility you believe in now? —asked Maki, leaning over and resting her elbows over the desk, looking deeply into her eyes.
Shōko looked back at her and then away, towards the ceiling again. She shrugged for a moment, thinking.
—I don't know… I don't think so —she muttered absentmindedly, putting out the cigarette.
Maki grunted for a moment and put her head down. —If only that idiot wasn't an idiot…
She smiled, but the smile didn't reach her eyes.
And if only I hadn't walked away that day… she thought, lighting another cigarette. Maybe Satoru would be here… and Suguru…
For some reason the last time I read the manga and saw Shōko's face I felt heart broken and I just had to write this, it may have a lot of mistakes that have escaped my eye but this isn't my first language, so please spare me some hate.
Sunday, September 26, 2021