Crack! Splat! Crack! Splat!
Dispatching Walkers at the fence the next day, Beth's attention wasn't even on them, as it usually was.
Crack! Splat!
With each splatter as she forced the blade through each zombie's head, she wasn't seeing them.
Crack! Splat!
Instead, with each successful killing, she was seeing his face, and hoping her continuous thoughts of him would stop.
Crack! Splat!
His smile…the way he had laughed…the feel of his hand on her arm…how warm his arm had been when she'd comforted him…
Crack! Splat! Crack! Splat! Crack! Splat! Crack! Splat!
Feeling more panicked now, she began going faster and faster, willing herself to just forget him.
She wanted each killing to be a metaphor…with every Walker she killed there would be one less thought of him to plague her.
Yet…she groaned in despair. Dropping the blade, she crouched down to retrieve it, pausing and rubbing her head.
It was no use…no use.
Their time together yesterday had affected her even more than she'd hoped it would. Not to mention, she had hardly been able to sleep without reliving the conversation they had had. It was so frightening…truly.
She jumped at the sound of Maggie's voice behind her.
"Hey! Dinner's ready," Maggie said, and Beth put on a fake smile and stood up, turning around. She hoped she could fool Maggie…but of course, that was impossible.
"Are you all right?" Maggie asked, suspicion and concern mixing in her tone.
"Yeah, yeah," Beth said, feeling flustered. "Just dropped the knife…I got it back though."
"Are you lyin' to me?" Maggie asked, once again successfully seeing through her.
"No, no…I'm not," Beth said. "I swear."
Maggie's eyes searched Beth's face, and she hoped, beyond anything, that she didn't look as nervous as she felt. Her heart was pounding, and she felt like it would be an eternity before Maggie would finally stop.
After a few moments, to her relief, Maggie nodded. "OK, Beth. Just…don't feel like you have to hide anythin' from me. You're…you're my sister, Beth. My baby sister. I…I love you."
Beth smiled. "I love you too, Maggie."
Smiling, Maggie affectionately touched Beth's arm, before pulling back. Yet the moment of sisterly affection was broken when she suddenly, expression turning serious again and her tone growing a little harder, said her parting words.
"But if you are hidin' somethin' I will find out."
Searching her sister's face again, finally she turned around and headed back into the prison.
Groaning, Beth cleaned the knife off and then put it back on her belt loop.
Oh Maggie...if only you knew.
As she headed into the cell blocks, and then into the large common area where everyone was gathered for supper, she gratefully accepted a steaming bowl of macaroni and cheese, smiling in thanks as Carol scooped it for her. Grabbing a warm bottle of water, she went and sat down by herself, choosing to be alone for awhile. She also made sure to avoid a whole gaggle of former Woodbury residents, the majority of whom she did not know well.
Yet, with every bite of food, she still could not shake the memories of yesterday. She felt branded, in a way. Marked. Diseased…She tried, in vain, not to think of what he was doing right now, at this very moment, all those miles away…Shaking her head slightly again, she also tried not to recall…
Yet, vividly, the way he had looked at the photograph of his dead wife and Penny hit her in full force again…
Biting her lip, the pain momentarily stopped the traitorous thoughts.
Looking around, she smiled as Hershel waved a hand in greeting from where he was talking with Rick, Daryl and Glenn, and Rick smiled and nodded at her as well, as did Glenn and Daryl. Carol also smiled at her as she wiped up the tables upfront, and Beth had to smile at the sight of Sasha and Tyreese happily feeding Judith, who was gurgling happily.
Goodness…if only they all knew. They…they would all hate her…
Shaking her head again, she quickly finished her water and then ate the rest of her meal, trying not to think. She was doing this to help…they'd have to understand then…wouldn't they?
But what bothered her most was the fact that she knew that even she didn't think she was "just trying to help" the group anymore…perhaps it had started out that way, but the more she thought about it, and the more she spent time with him, she had to admit that…even she saw no threat there. And what's more…the fact that he didn't seem so… monstrous and inhumane anymore… was also painfully aware to her.
Locking the supplies up in the truck, she, as usual, made her way to his apartment, trying to quell the rapid beating of her heart.
She really had no reason to be scared…so terrified…she knew it to be true…he wouldn't harm her…yet she couldn't seem to make herself believe it.
Timidly, she knocked. A few precious moments of silence…maybe he wasn't there…she could go home, and avoid him for another week… and then she heard footsteps, and the door was opened.
He smiled broadly at the sight of her. There was real happiness on his face…did she do that to him? For him?
What bothered her most was she didn't know if she'd feel bad if it turned out she didn't.
"You made it," he said. "I…I'm glad you came. I was lookin' forward to seein' you."
Smiling weakly, she tried not to focus on how touched she felt at that, as well as surprised.
Nodding, she said, forcing herself to sound cheerful, "I wouldn't have missed it."
Beth nodded at him and walked past him into the now all-too familiar apartment.
This time, unlike last, there were no supplies strewn about on the bed, or bags of supplies out in the open. On the contrary, the rooms looked much neater, though the bed was unmade.
He also had no blood on his person this time…and smelled clean, as though he had taken a shower earlier.
Taking a deep breath, trying to calm her shaking knees, she sat.
She heard the door closing behind her, and then he disappeared into the bathroom.
"How've you been since last week?" he asked. She heard water running.
"I…I've been good," she said. "How've you been?"
"I can't complain," he said, coming out and wiping his hands. "Had a pretty big horde to dispatch this mornin' but it wasn't too bad."
"Oh," she said. "Well…well I'm glad."
He laughed a little, softly, and then she was surprised when he handed her a bottle of juice. The bandage and fading bruises and red cuts on his right hand drew her attention yet again, though briefly.
"Th…thank you," she said. "But what's this for?"
"Thought you could use some extra hydration…it's really hot out there today."
Beth had to agree, nodding. "Y…yes. It is."
Opening the bottle, she savored the taste of the strawberry-banana mixture, though it was warm. One thing was for certain…the apocalypse made sure one grew sick of drinking lukewarm, flavorless water all of the time.
And then, finally, he sat. He was wearing a white shirt and black pants today, and looked as healthy as ever. He did look a little tired, but everyone was these days.
"So…" he said, voice surprisingly soft. "I…I've been meanin' to…I just wanted to say…"
Yet he kept breaking off…surprisingly awkward.
"Wh…what?" Beth said, curious.
"I…god. I just…wanted to thank you again, for the…the things you said the last time you were here. I…it really did mean a lot to me, and help me. And you're…you're right…I would have regretted burnin' the picture…And…you…you almost made me believe that my…my wife and Penny still…still care about me now, too. I…just…thank you, Beth."
The words were as unexpected as ever, and yet…
Emotion flooding her, as well as intense sympathy yet again, she didn't have to force herself to reply.
"H…hey," she said softly. "That's…that's a horrible thing to say…Oh…I…. I'm sure they still do. In fact, I…I know they do," she said, growing a little louder at the end.
That was so heartbreaking.
Then he laughed a little, the sound self-deprecating. "That's…that's sweet," he said.
"It…it's not," she said. "It's the truth."
He looked at her again, and the jolt in her stomach just about disintegrated her earlier confidence. As much as it baffled her and made her despair…though she didn't know why she felt this way, or cared…. or even why she should even want to help him feel better…she wanted to help him…comfort him…make him feel…
Her thoughts were cut off as he finally spoke again.
"No…no they don't. I…if there is a heaven…not that I really believe in God anymore…or ever really did…they're both lookin' down on me with hate. In fact…my…my wife…she's probably rolled a thousand times over in her grave by now…wonderin' why she ever married me. And…and Penny…if she were alive…she'd be afraid of me. They both hate me now…wish they had never known me…and I don't blame them. I…sometimes at night I lie awake and that's all I can think about, over and over."
Beth stared and listened, intent on changing his mind.
"Y…yes. You…you did do awful, awful things. No…nobody knows better than I," she said, feeling awkward, as well as solemn as she thought about everything that had transpired.
"B…but…talkin' to you, right now…I…I…that's the man your wife married, and that's the daddy Penny loved. Whatever…despite all the horrible things you've done…they would…they would forgive you. And they…they still love you. You've just gotta believe that."
More silence passed, and then The Governor looked at her. He smiled a little, though wryly.
"You almost make me believe that, Beth. But thank you."
Beth bit her lip. "It is the truth…and you won't convince me otherwise."
Her eyes continued to hold his one, and then he looked away. A few more moments passed and then he cleared his throat, running a hand over his face.
Taking a deep breath, he turned back to her again. "Thank you again, Beth. I…and I'm sorry for…"
She smiled, heartened that maybe…just maybe…he was allowing himself to believe it.
"No... it's fine," she said softly.
He cleared his throat again. "So…anyway…anythin' new at the prison?" he asked, changing the subject.
"No…no. Not really," she said. "It's…it's the same as it always was. Walkers outside…lots of people…lots of noise…all the same."
He smiled a little. "That sounds real exciting."
"Oh yeah," Beth said sarcastically, unable to stop herself. "Tons. Especially when you're tryin' to sleep and little kids think it's alright to suddenly start have a screaming match and throw a ball around…and then they end up wakin' up the baby, who you just managed to put down to sleep."
He laughed.
Feeling a little awful at venting some of her few frustrations with the prison, she said, quickly, "I…I don't mean to seem as though I… I don't care or don't like it. Because I do…I love it. But…sometimes…peace and quiet would be nice, you know?"
He nodded. "I do know."
More silence passed again, and then she asked, "How…how's your week been? Has it been…peaceful at night?" She was surprised that she even wanted to know the answer…
"Yeah, it has been," he said, shrugging. "I…I can't complain. I actually got a lot of sleep the last few nights…it was nice while it lasted."
She nodded, feeling sympathetic. "I know what you mean."
More silence again, and then…oddly, it was she who spoke first. Heart thrumming, feeling odder still that she even wanted to know more about him…she spoke.
"I…I was just…. just wonderin' what…" But she broke off, blushing, as well as feeling that sadly all-too familiar feeling of despair in her chest. Why did she care? Why should she care?
Smiling gently, he noticed and said, "It's fine. You can ask."
Taking a deep breath, she summoned her courage. "OK…what…what did you do, before all…all this?"
Smiling a little more, he said, "That's it? You were that embarrassed to ask me what I did before all this?"
She could feel her face heating up even more. But she could tell he was just teasing her.
Laughing a little, he said, "I'm sorry. Well…I worked for an insurance company. We were pretty big…it was all right, I guess. It wasn't glamorous or anythin' but it paid good money. Can't say I liked my boss though…or that anyone did. He was a dick."
Beth felt herself blush even more at the word. "Al…alright," she said, nodding awkwardly. "That's nice."
"I'm sorry if that offended you."
Beth flushed a little more, still feeling unsettled. "No…it's fine," she said. "I've heard much worse, believe me." In particular she was thinking of Daryl…and heck even Merle…
Merle. Suddenly vividly remembering that he…The Governor…had killed him…that he was the reason Daryl didn't have a brother anymore…and the fact that the man sitting across from her was a monster made her want to get up and leave and never, ever look back. Goodness…what was wrong with her? He…he didn't…he wasn't a good person. He wasn't! Inside he was just evil and twisted and everything unsavory. And she was a sick, sick person, just like him, for spending time with him now…just being in his very presence…Nausea hit her again, as well as a violent, vivid surge of hatred. Goodness…how could she have even forgotten? And it wasn't just Merle…he had killed Andrea…so many innocent people…Maggie…
He noticed. "Hey," he said, speaking softly. "Are you all right, Beth?"
She was trembling now, unsure if she could speak. Taking a deep breath, she forced herself to look at him, now wanting to glare. Yet she faltered at the look on his face, and everything seemed to disappear.
He was staring at her, concern evident, and suddenly, despite it all, despite everything, her former hatred evaporated. She couldn't seem to bring herself to hate him, though she knew she should…and did…didn't she? Didn't she? Thinking back to their first meeting, she vividly remembered how badly she had wanted to slap him, and how good it had felt telling him off. Yes…yes…she did hate him. She did still hate him…And she would tell him that too, right before leaving and never, ever coming back…
Yet…
From seemingly nowhere, his words from their first meeting washed over her.
"If it makes any difference…I…I do regret most of it."
Also…
"I just…lost it. It's…it's just hard to…to put into words."
She was not a cop, nor an expert on when people were lying…yet in those moments she could tell he had been genuine.
She could also still vividly remember standing just feet away from him when he also had apologized, genuinely, for what he had done to Maggie…
Shaking herself, she looked at him again and again, the concern on his face for her was what hit her most.
Now, he was standing up and coming over to her. She felt his hand gently feel her forehead. Strangely, she felt cold, and the warmth almost burned her. He also quickly felt her cheeks, and she could still feel his touch there when he pulled away.
"You're burnin' up," he said quietly, which surprised her. "Are you sure you're alright? Hold on…I'll get you somethin' for it."
Quickly he disappeared into the bathroom, re-emerging with a cool washcloth.
"Here," he said quietly. "I can do it, if ya can't…"
Finally speaking, voice hoarse, Beth said, "N…no. No. But thank you. I…I feel fine. Just maybe a touch of…of heat stroke."
Ignoring her, he gently pressed the cloth to her forehead and held it there, and a whiff of ivory soap washed over her.
Closing her eyes, she had to admit the cool cloth felt like heaven, yet she still felt rather self-conscious.
Breathing in deep, trying to rein herself in and re-gather her earlier composure, she also tried to quell the nervous butterflies in her stomach.
Opening her eyes, she looked at him. Why did he care so much for her? He really had no reason to, and yet he was going above and beyond for her…literally an almost stranger to him…
If he was such a monster, then…
She could feel his body heat practically, now.
Shaking herself, she gently put her hand on the cloth. "Th…thank you," she said. "I'm feelin' much better…I can take it from here now."
And she was feeling substantially better.
"Alright," he said, releasing the cloth and taking one last glance at her. "If you're sure. But you should have a bottle of water when you're done with that…it'll bring down your temperature even more. I do hope you feel ok."
She blushed a little, still shy and more than a little unsettled with what had just happened.
"I…I do feel a lot better. But…thank you. Truly."
He nodded. "Don't mention it."
Sitting back down, his blue gaze held hers again, carefully searching her for the slightest discomfort, and she forced herself to smile.
The rest of the time passed in relative silence, peaceful, yet only a little uncomfortable.
Beth spoke not at all, for fear she might run at the next words he spoke, and, it seemed, he stayed silent for her benefit.
She carefully drank the rest of her juice, feeling more strength returning, and the silence was almost soothing, after awhile.
Finally, his voice broke the silence. "It's…I hate to bother you but it's almost sunset. You'd better be headin' back, if you can. Or else I could…"
She smiled a little, hiding her inner nervousness and turmoil.
"Oh…I…I feel fine. But, thank you, again, for everythin' you did for me…"
"You don't need to thank me," he said softly, shaking his head. "Ain't nothin' to thank me for."
She nodded, standing up. He stood up too, and opened the door, allowing her to go first.
In silence they walked to the gate and he opened it for her.
He moved a little closer to her and again, the faint whiff of soap hit her.
Placing his hand on her arm, he said, gently, "Take it easy the next few days. And I hope you have a safe trip back."
She nodded, hoping her legs wouldn't give out. "Th, thank you, G…Governor."
"I told you…you can call me Philip," he said gently.
"Yes," she said, nodding. "Alright. Well…see you next week." The words were out of her mouth before she knew it.
He nodded gently, before closing the gate behind her. "I look forward to it."
The words, so simple, made her almost feel faint again.
Getting into the truck, and then, starting the lonely drive home, she could still feel the places where he had touched her on her cheeks, forehead and arm tingling.
That night, she went out and just stared at the stars, unable to sleep. The sight was beautiful, yet oddly mournful
Unbidden he washed over her again. Was he doing this too, now?
Sighing, Beth ran her hands over her arms, though she was wearing long-sleeves. The chill in the air was almost terrible, tonight.
Thinking of him again, she bit her lip. Did monsters appreciate beauty too?
She supposed they could.
Then, oddly…guilt washed over her, as she remembered how…tender, almost, and concerned he had been for her. How he had never been unkind to her…
Though it killed her inside, she knew that he…he wasn't a monster, now. Instead, he was deeply flawed and human through and through.
She was forced to accept that, now. She couldn't hate him, now…and oddly she didn't. She only felt curiosity…nerves, yes…and along with that, pity…mixed with a tiny bit of fear. As much as she hated it…she knew she didn't…and, what struck her most of all, as she headed inside, was that hating him would only be possible if he truly were the monster he had once been…had once thought he was.
"Happy Birthday Bethie!"
Beth smiled, opening her eyes three days later, at the sight of Hershel, Maggie, Glenn, Rick, Carol, Daryl, and Sasha and Tyreese in her cell, along with Zach and Patrick, another former Woodbury resident.
Carol was holding a big plate of stale Twinkies somebody had crafted into a makeshift cake, and everyone was beaming at her.
"Make a wish Beth!" Maggie exclaimed.
Beth sat up, wiping her eyes. "Oh aww, you guys, it's so beautiful!"
She felt touched in a way she couldn't describe.
There were eighteen candles on the cake, too. Beth got up and hugged everyone, giving her father a kiss on the cheek.
"C'mon, make a wish already so we can eat!" Daryl exclaimed, and everyone laughed.
"Nah, don't rush her. You just take your time, Beth. Eighteen is a big day," Rick said, smiling at her.
She smiled. Closing her eyes, she breathed in deep. She wished for peace and happiness forever…that they would be able to live here forever, safe and well…and that everything would be ok. She wished for Judith to grow up happy and healthy, and for Maggie and Glenn to have a child someday…and, finally…to find love someday.
Blowing all the candles out, she looked around at everyone, beaming herself. "Thank you so much, guys! It's wonderful. But you really shouldn't have."
"Nonsense," Carol said. "But it was my idea, if you really want to get technical about it," she said, joking.
Beth laughed. "I can honestly say that I've never had a Twinkie cake before."
Everyone laughed again, and as the "cake" was cut up and passed around, it was actually surprisingly good.
Afterward, Maggie embraced her. "My baby sister's eighteen today. I can barely believe it."
Beth smiled. "Well believe it."
Beth was distracted as Hershel gently touched her arm, embracing her. "Happy birthday, Bethie. I feel so old. Both my daughters are grown up."
Beth laughed. "Oh Daddy…I'm still your little girl."
Hershel grinned. "Yes, you still are. But here…come with me. I have something for you."
Curious, Beth followed him to his cell. She was surprised when he produced an oddly familiar silver heart shaped locket.
"This was your mother's. She wore it all the time, as you know. I was going to give this to you right away, but I decided to save it for your eighteenth birthday. I'm sorry I didn't give it to you sooner, dear, but now it's yours forever. Every day you look more like her, and you'll look just as beautiful as she did wearing it."
Tears stinging her eyes, she quickly embraced him, kissing him again. "Oh Daddy! Thank you so much! This is the best gift I could ever have wanted, aside from bein' with all of you!"
Hershel smiled, wiping the tears away. "You deserve it dear."
Feeling oddly giddy as she lifted her hair so Hershel could clasp it around her neck, she couldn't help beaming yet again as she clutched it.
"I love you Daddy," she said, kissing him again.
"And I love you, Bethie," he said, embracing her one last time, and she leaned into it, feeling happier than she had in a long time.