Dawn broke slowly, and Beth was still awake, having been unable to fall back asleep. Getting out of bed, smiling at Judith still sleeping, she went outside. The black sky was just beginning to turn pink with the coming daylight, and it was so beautiful it was almost hard to believe that the end of the world was really a reality.
Of course, Beth would be lying if she said she didn't know the reason for her lack of sleep.
Breathing in the clean, crisp air, she stood there, the coolness oddly soothing. Yet…
She heard Rick laugh, and she jumped. There, far across the prison grounds, Rick was relieving Tyreese of watch duty from the night. Feeling paranoid, for if they saw her they would surely know her thoughts, she turned back around and went back into her cell, all but jumping onto her cot.
Goodness, why was this happening to her? Why? Closing her eyes, unbidden, she heard The Governor's laugh, and again, a, by now, all-too familiar, jolt ran through her stomach. She didn't understand the reason for it affecting her so…for him to affect her so…and yet he did. But she also would be lying if she said she wasn't at least looking forward to their weekly visit. The things he had told her last week, particularly about his family life growing up, had both deeply affected her and intrigued her, and made her feel even more sympathy for him, despite it all…she also knew, when she truly thought about it, that she was more than eager to learn more.
Gradually falling back asleep, his face, once again, appeared in her subconscious.
Dinner that night was actually the best they had had in awhile. Daryl had killed three deer, and that, along with some instant hashbrowns, green beans and corn found on a run, constituted a feast. Everyone ate happily, knowing there would still be plenty for days to come.
After dinner, Beth went to her cell and laid down, intent on relaxing for awhile from the food she'd just consumed. But Maggie's entrance startled her.
"Hey. Want to come help me fold some laundry?"
Getting up, Beth nodded. "Sure."
The two sisters folded the laundry in relative silence, efficiently moving. Yet a whiff of something oddly familiar as she folded the last blanket in her half stopped her.
Hoping to be discreet, Beth sniffed the red material, breathing in deep…
Why, it was ivory…and, again, she was standing not even a hairsbreadth away from him, the very same oddly nice scent radiating off of him…
Blushing violently, she dropped the blanket, praying Maggie wouldn't notice how red she was.
Stooping to pick it up, she saw his face again, his smile almost burning into her, and as always, she noticed just how handsome he was…
Blush growing, she picked it up, making sure to hide her face.
But, of course, Maggie noticed, as she always seemed to.
"Why are you so red?" she asked, casting a cursory glance over her sister. "Are you feelin' okay?"
Shaking her head slightly, Beth smiled a little tremulously. "Yeah, yeah. I am. Just got a little overheated."
Thankfully, Maggie seemed to accept the answer, and the rest of the laundry was finished without incident.
Afterward, Beth walked back to her cell, on shaky legs. If this kept up, Maggie would surely think something was wrong...
Attempting to read a book, she thought again of her impending visit that week to come.
But at least Maggie wouldn't suspect she was spending time with him, of all people…her sister may have been too smart for her own good sometimes, but drawing the conclusion her baby sister was spending time with the group's biggest enemy, and had been for weeks now, would just be too crazy for Maggie to contemplate. And that gave Beth relief.
Clouds were blanketing the sky as she walked to his apartment, again feeling weak-kneed, as she always did, though oddly, not from fear this time.
She knew by now he wouldn't harm her, and oddly, she no longer feared him. No longer was afraid of him.
Yet she still was as nervous and off-kilter as before…and it honestly puzzled her.
Taking a deep breath, growing frustrated with herself, Beth knocked.
He opened the door, and somehow her heart skipped a beat as she took in his appearance.
He was wearing a maroon short-sleeve shirt today, and dark pants. His brown hair looked oddly messy, yet neat, if that even made sense, and slowly he smiled as he saw it was her. He looked just the same as always, and yet…
And then she noticed it. There was a medium-sized red nick on his right cheek, presumably from shaving. It looked painful.
What was that old saying? Just a kiss makes it better?
Beth blushed a little. She smiled a little, forcing herself to speak.
Why had she thought that?
"Hi again," she said, hoping he wouldn't notice her blush. "How have you been?"
His smile grew a little more. "Wonderful, but much better now that you're here," he said. "Come in."
Beth smiled, making sure she didn't brush up against him as she entered.
He closed the door, and then Beth sat.
Looking around, she noticed a bowl of red liquid on the table, and she smelled coffee.
Clearly, she had interrupted him in the middle of eating.
"Oh, I'm sorry," she said, feeling horrible. "I didn't know you were eatin' lunch…"
He snorted a little. "It's fine. Did you want any food? You must be hungry."
As she caught a whiff of the soup on the table, involuntarily her stomach growled. True, she was hungry…and she hadn't had breakfast…but she grew guilty as she remembered just how much food there still was at the prison, and just how hard it was to find food these days…
"N, no, it's fine," she said.
But he gently smiled and scooped the rest of the soup from the can into another bowl, and gave it to her.
"No, really, it's fine," she said. "I…that's yours, and we have enough at the prison…"
He tousled his hair a little. "You need this more than I do," he said, and then sat down on the bed, tying his shoe.
"What I would give to just have the chance to eat half the shit I didn't like before all this," he said, laughing a little. "Food nowadays tastes so bad the majority of the time when you're not lucky with stuff you find, even the food you always hated back then would taste good."
Beth nodded, thinking in particular of peas, and meatloaf, and every other food she had ever disliked.
But she still felt guilty about the soup.
Trying once again, though it smelled delicious, she said, "I…really, you can take this back. It's fine. I…I feel bad."
Laughing a little, The Governor said, "Don't worry about it, Beth. Just eat. You're in much more need of it than I am."
Beth said, "Well, technically that's not true, but…"
Laughing again, he came back to the table. "Do you want some coffee too? It's probably weird but I always liked drinkin' it with lunch…but just a warnin,' it's black. That was always my preferred kind."
Crinkling her nose a little, Beth said, "Thank you very much, but I think I'll pass. I've always hated coffee. It smells good, but it just tastes awful."
The Governor leaned back in his chair, smiling a bit as he took a sip. "To each their own I guess."
He took another, longer drink of it, and Beth couldn't help shuddering.
Putting his mug down, he noticed and laughed a little, looking at her, clearly amused. Beth blushed.
"It really offends you that badly, huh?" he said.
Feeling a bit ridiculous for how childish she was no doubt acting right then, she said, "I…ugh. It's just so bitter. I just…I just don't know how you can drink that! Even drinkin' pickle juice would taste better!"
The Governor said, getting up to refill his mug, "I'm sure you've never drunk alcohol before…believe me. Some of that would make black coffee taste like the best thing ever to you."
Beth nodded, feeling momentarily surprised. "You're right. I haven't. How did you know?"
He shrugged a little, sitting back down. "I just had a feelin' you've never," he said, and Beth couldn't help looking away.
"I'm that obvious, huh?" she said.
Noticing, he said, "Hey. I didn't mean it in a bad way. You just…you seem very innocent."
His words sinking in, at last, Beth smiled. He wasn't like her family…in particular, Maggie. He didn't treat her like a child, and act like she still was one. Or insinuate, as Maggie so often did, how she was "still too young for some things." Beth loved Maggie with all of her heart, truly did, but sometimes it hurt her that Maggie seemed to just view her as a little girl, and didn't give her enough credit or adult responsibilities. Or even try to treat her as an adult. Which she was, now.
Shaking it off, making the discomfort go away, Beth looked at him, not even knowing why she was divulging the information, knowing it would just make her sound even more childish. "I wouldn't mind drinkin' some time," she said. "It's somethin' I've been eager to do."
The Governor said, "Well, don't worry. I'm sure alcohol's bound to turn up at the prison some time. I'm sure your family would let you have some."
Beth said, snorting a little, "No they wouldn't. Maggie would throw a fit."
Looking down at her hands, again, unsure why she was telling him, now a little shy, she said, "I…it just frustrates me. I always get treated like a child, and I…I want them all to see…especially my sister…that I'm useful, and not a…a weak little girl."
Beth looked up, and he was just staring at her, expression serious. Growing self-conscious, she was saved from her embarrassment when he spoke.
Clearing his throat a little, he said, softly, "Well…if it helps…I don't think you're weak, or a little girl. I…I know this won't mean much to you, comin' from me and all, but…you're very smart, even though we really don't…know each other that well yet. And I'm sure your family already knows how useful you are…You just have to show them. And if they don't now, they will soon."
Face coloring a little, she couldn't help but be touched at his words, as well as heartened.
Did he really think that of her?
Smiling, she said, "I…actually that does mean a lot. To me. Thank you."
Nodding a little, he raised his mug a little and said, "I'm glad."
He drank again, and she couldn't help smiling, despite her mild disgust.
Looking down in front of her at the bowl, finally, she picked it up and drank, her hunger winning.
The taste of the tomato soup was infinitely more flavorful and good than any soup she had had in recent memory, and though she still felt more than guilty about taking his food, she was still glad she had chosen to eat it.
Smiling a little, she said, "The…the soup's very good. Thank you again."
Grinning a little, he said, "Don't worry about it. Just eat it."
Laughing a little, she said, "Alright."
A few moments of silence passed, and she was running over their previous conversation in her mind. What else was there to know about him?
Looking up, she said, "I…well last week was really interesting. I…I feel like I learned a lot about you. What else is there to know about you?"
The Governor looked at her. And, for a few tense seconds, again, Beth felt that confusing jolt in her stomach.
Finally, he looked down at the table, laughing a little. "God. Why you would want to know more about me, I can't imagine."
Leaning back in his chair, he ran another hand through his hair, mussing it up. Inhaling, he said, shrugging, "I always liked rock and alternative music back before all this. The classics… and modern stuff."
Beth said, "I've always liked older bands too. And of course, some of the pop stuff you always heard on the radio."
Smiling a little, he said, "Yep." Changing the subject, he then said, "My favorite food before all this was always steak. And I always liked tacos, too."
Suddenly, he laughed a little, and it was so soft at first Beth grew surprised. "God…I'm just imaginin' how lame and stupid what I just told you must have sounded. I'm truly sorry."
Gently smiling, Beth said, "No, it didn't. Really."
He said, "Now I know you're just bein' polite."
She took another sip, and then he said, "What about you? What was your favorite food back then?"
Beth said, shrugging slightly, "Shrimp. Definitely."
The Governor said, "That was always good too."
A few more moments of silence, and then he said, "I've broken my arm twice in my life... I always got good grades in school, though I hated goin'… I used to smoke, but I quit …one time when I was fourteen, I stole my father's cigars and Brian and me were tryin' them out in the garage…we got caught and both got beat up. I always felt guilty for that."
Exhaling, he said, "I learned how to drive stick, instead of regular when I was fifteen…I graduated from college number two in my class…and I always liked goin' to haunted houses in October."
Feeling more fascinated, and intrigued, Beth said, "Well…that was all very interestin' to learn about you…number two in your class? Really? That's wonderful."
He said nothing, but took another drink of coffee. But, feeling puzzled, she said, "But…not to be rude…why won't you tell me more? I…I genuinely do want to…to know more," she said, coloring a little as she realized that maybe he didn't want to divulge more, for personal reasons.
Looking up, biting her lip, hoping her blush wouldn't show, Beth said, "I…I'm sorry. I'm bein' so rude…" She averted her eyes.
The Governor softly said, "Hey. Look at me."
She did, and he leaned forward a little. "You're not bein' rude at all, so don't think that. I…it's just…I'm just honestly surprised that you want to know more about me, that's all… and…I don't really know what to tell you."
Beth said, his words affecting her deeply, "But…why are you surprised? I…"
But she broke off, feeling awkward.
Finally, he spoke again, his voice punctuating the silence. "Just…because of what I've done.. to you…to your family. I…it amazes me every week that you come here."
Solemnity hitting her again, Beth finally spoke, looking at him. "You…I know what you've done…but somehow, I…I can't help but think that the man who did all those things wasn't the real you."
It struck her that she really, truly did believe those words, even as she spoke them.
The words hung in the air, and he looked stunned, for a moment. And, in that moment, seeing the raw emotion on his face, Beth knew, even more, that he was every bit as human as she had come to think in the last few weeks through their weekly visits. This man was not the monster she had only thought existed, and that was abundantly clear now even more so.
She knew, full well, how grief could transform a person, and warp them, and, even more, how grief and heartbreak could morph into something truly terrible and evil, and change a person.
Now, she knew. No, it certainly did not excuse his previous actions, or make them right…but it was clear to her he really, truly had lost his mind when Penny had died. Lost his sanity, his very humanity, and every single trace of the person he truly was, and had always been…
And, though he never said the words, she could see the regret and the shame within him for all the horrible actions he had done every week…
Then he spoke, again, voice hoarse. "I…I know I'm a horrible person, through and through, but…I…I do regret what I did…truly. To your sister…to Andrea and Milton…to my people. All of it…even…even when we attacked the prison, I…at the time I was just thinkin' of…Michonne…and Rick…makin' them pay. But…now I…I know now there were children there… and innocent people that had nothin' to do with what happened in Woodbury…I…I don't know. I really did lose it. Even when…when Penny got bit…it…it changed me, and when I lost her, I…I became someone else. Someone I don't ever want to be again…I know it doesn't make it right, and it never will, but I…I truly am sorry, Beth. For…I didn't even know you existed at the time, and I…I could have killed you by accident, and back then I wouldn't have cared."
Breaking off, he said, "I will not lie…I won't ever forgive Rick, or Michonne, or even like them…but I…I realize, now, that all of you at the prison are not bad. And I…I…if I had the chance, I would…I would go back and never do any of what I did. I…I don't even deserve to be alive, honestly."
Beth stared at him, each word he had spoken producing great waves of emotion within her. True, she wasn't truly ready to forgive him yet, for all he had done, but she could tell that he was absolutely genuine. And strangely, the last part of his speech resonated most with her.
Biting her lip, she spoke. "Hey. That's a horrible thing to say. You…you do deserve to be alive," she said. His head snapped up, and he looked stunned.
Speaking more quickly, she said, "I'll…I'll be honest…I…I don't forgive you, yet, but I…I do believe that you are sincere. Truly. And thank you for your words. I…I don't think you are a monster."
He was silent, and then he spoke. "How can you possibly think that about me?"
For a few moments, they simply stared at each other, and then Beth looked away.
"Because a true monster, someone really evil, wouldn't regret doing horrible things they did. And you do. I can tell."
Looking back at him, the room was suddenly much too warm, and still he looked stunned.
Beth smiled a little at him and then, to distract herself from how awkward she felt, she concentrated on finishing the rest of her soup.
The rest of the visit seemed to pass in a silent haze, neither speaking. Beth, honestly, did not know what to say, and, it seemed, neither did he…The conversation had seemed to die after she had spoken her last words to him, and oddly, it was almost peaceful.
Finally, after what seemed forever, Beth instinctively knew it was time to leave.
As she got up, now she was almost shy, and then, as her words from earlier sunk in, embarrassed.
Thankfully, she didn't have to look at him, as he didn't seem particularly eager to start another conversation.
"I'll walk you out," he said softly, and she nodded.
Their walk to the gate was silent. Beth, for her part, was deep in thought, and her stomach was swirling, dreading facing him at the gate.
Finally, they reached it, and Beth slowly turned to face him, hoping her blush wouldn't be too obvious.
He softly cleared his throat, and then said, looking down at the ground before looking back at her, "Thank you, Beth. And I hope you have a wonderful week."
Beth nodded. "You too," she said sincerely. Yet still he was staring at her…
Feeling even more self-conscious, she was just about to speak when suddenly it was he who spoke, gesturing. Yet she didn't understand.
"You…you've got a little…" He broke off, then, leaving her puzzled, and then she was stunned as he suddenly gently, yet quickly, brushed the corner of her mouth with his thumb.
His touch was warm, and as gentle a touch as any she had ever felt before…almost as though he was barely even touching her.
Momentarily feeling stunned, Beth still was silent as he looked down, wiping his hand on his pants. "I'm sorry…you…you just had a little soup there."
Beth blinked, coloring a little. "Oh. I see. Thank you," she said.
And then he looked back at her, and for some odd reason that escaped even her, Beth couldn't seem to find it in her to move.
He moved a little closer, and oddly, she felt her heart skip a beat.
They were so close they could kiss…
Not even knowing why she had thought that, Beth colored a little more. She could still feel his touch on her face, just as strongly as she had before, her skin still tingling, and all else seemed to vanish.
The Governor moved past her and opened the gate for her. Jumping, she broke out of her trance, thankful he didn't know just how affected she was.
Softly, he said, "Thank you again, Beth. Have a safe drive back."
Forcing herself to smile, Beth stammered. "Y…yes. I will. Thank you for…the food. And I hope you have a nice week too."
Nodding curtly, he said, "I will."
Walking past him, on shaky legs, she finally got into the truck, inhaling deeply. Starting the engine, she drove back as quickly as possible, knowing, as always, that her thoughts would be elsewhere later that night.
He was such a confusing person…and what did he think of, when he was alone? And…
Forcing herself to stop her thoughts, she simply concentrated on the drive back, knowing that she truly did want to know the answers.