Hey, I really hope this chapter makes up for the wait. I just wanted to thank all of you guys; it truly means a lot that people like this, even though it is definitely one of the worst in the entire WD category. And it's awesome I'm not the only person who ships these two, lol. ;)
*Also, this story will be long, and it is rated M for language, violence, blood, gore, and eventually sex, etc. Just to let everyone know. :)
*And, finally, any fellow fans of Hannibal out there? I am so mad at NBC for canceling it, and so sad! I really hope it gets picked up!
That evening, Beth went outside and stared at the stars, the cool night air crisp. She had no idea what time it was, but what she did know was that everyone else was sleeping.
But, it always seemed to be a common occurrence now, after every single meeting.
Closing her eyes, she breathed in deep, the air calming to her, cold though it was.
Again, vividly, she could feel his touch, and he was right before her, so close to her she could feel his heart beating…
Oddly, though she understood it not at all, she craved his warmth, an oasis against the chill of the lonely, bitterly cold nights, and, though the thoughts made her blush, she only wanted to be closer to him…for him to hold her against his warm chest and for him to…
Beth's eyes snapped open. She was fully aware of what her unconscious had just imagined, and, although she felt so very confused by it, the thoughts did not scare her. At least, too much anymore.
She could deny it all she wanted, but she truly did feel something for him…at least, in the physical sense.
Embarrassing and humiliating and alarming only began to cover it, but she knew it was only really alarming because of just how much she stood to lose if anyone from the prison ever found out she was spending time with him.
And as for being alarming in another sense…she truly did feel that The Governor wasn't just a monster…wasn't evil…truly wasn't anything of what she had always thought…and oddly, the slow realizations of this, which only seemed to grow each week, unconscious and unbidden to her, were not alarming anymore.
Yet there was always that voice in the back of her mind that questioned her morals, and very person, for thinking so. And she tried in vain to not let it get to her…
Remembering Hershel's words, she found some form of relief.
"Forgiveness is everything, and a person knows, all on their own, if a person is good and deserves it. We should all strive to forgive. The world could do with a whole lot more of it. And often, it's the people who have done the most horrible things that turn out to be the most in need of it."
He had always said that growing up, and still repeated the very same words each week when he held Church for those of the prison that were religious.
Thinking of The Governor again, Beth closed her eyes and sighed. Her father was right. Forgiveness truly was everything, and somehow she still somehow…almost cared about him…Even despite all he had done.
Opening her eyes, Beth turned around and went back inside, but not before pausing and taking one last look at the black sky, positively twinkling with the tiny, silver, beautiful lights.
And, unbidden, another very different face entered her vision, the words taunting and malicious.
The Walker from earlier appeared, her face even more contorted and horrifying than before.
"You can't deny it!"
The next day, Beth went up to Hershel after Bible Reading, after everyone else had gone.
Smiling, she said, "That was a beautiful readin' today, Daddy. You did wonderful."
She kissed him on the cheek. Hershel smiled.
"You're a sight for sore eyes, Bethie. Whenever I look at you and Maggie, it's hard to believe such beauty exists in the world we live in today."
Beth smiled, blushing a little. Hershel patted the seat beside him. "Here, keep me company while I clean up, dear."
Beth sat, so many questions on her tongue. Thinking again of The Governor, Beth drew in a deep breath.
Hershel looked at her, stacking the tablecloths on his lap. "What's wrong, dear?"
Biting her lip, Beth spoke. Her father, better than anyone, would be able to offer advice, and the most unprejudiced viewpoint.
"I…I was just wonderin'…you…you know how you always say that we should forgive others, no matter what they've done?"
Hershel nodded, his expression puzzled. "I do."
Beth looked at him. "Do you really believe it's possible to forgive everyone? And…and say you do…say there's a person, who has done the most horrible, awful things, and somehow, you don't believe they're evil. Somehow, you…you see something in them that everyone else doesn't. Doesn't…doesn't that make you just as bad?"
Hershel spoke, his expression concerned. "Where is this comin' from, Bethie?"
Beth shook her head quickly. "I…I just always think about it, every day, especially in this world we live in now…And it's…it's just so thought-provokin' nowadays," she finished quickly, inwardly cringing at how lame her cover-up was.
Hershel smiled knowingly. "You're just as bright as your mother was. And though I love your sister just as much as you, you and me both know she and Shawn were never much for religion and deep thinking. They both found it boring."
Beth smiled, laughing a little, nodding. Hershel spoke again, his expression now serious.
"I think about forgiveness a lot too, now. I'm sure everyone does. But…to answer your questions…yes, I do think it is possible to forgive everyone. It may be hard…baffling, even, but I've always thought that we could do with more of it, and with less violence. And…everyone is different, but second chances are beautiful things, and some folks are screaming for them…to be accepted…but, yet, they are always judged based on their past. And that's not right. Nor fair."
Beth nodded, wholeheartedly agreeing. Hershel continued. "Now…I'm not saying we should forgive the Hitlers of the world, or see goodness in them…that man was as sick and evil as they come…but…I do believe humans are fundamentally good. They just make bad choices. Maybe from depression…losing everything…maybe from being simply being mixed up with the wrong people. But…I don't think it matters. If even you alone think a man is good, even if everyone else judges him, despite not having the experience with him that you do, it would be unfair to both him and yourself to let other's opinions bleed into your own."
Beth nodded, nervous flutters in her stomach as she thought of The Governor.
Hershel said, "Just look at the Woodbury people we have here. Look at Karen. She made some bad choices, being mixed up with the wrong people, but that does not mean she is evil. Look at Sasha and Tyreese. And…it would be unfair of us here at the prison to not offer help and forgiveness to those who want and need it. No matter who they are."
Beth nodded. Finally, she spoke. "Thanks, Daddy," she said, kissing him on the cheek, forcing herself to beam.
Hershel embraced her and smiled. "I love you, Bethie," he said.
But, her father's words echoing around her, Beth's smile fell as she went back to her cell.
She agreed with her father on absolutely everything of what he had said…yet, she knew that, somehow, even her father would have had a very different answer if only he knew the man she had been thinking of.
A week later and the sky was gray yet again, the air almost stifling.
Beth took in deep breaths and then got out of the truck.
Walking through the gate and towards his apartment, so many different voices and faces warred with her.
"You know you want him…down to your very core. And you're secretly positively aching for him. In every sense of the word…"
She forced The Walker out of her mind, shaking herself...
"If even you alone think a man is good, even if everyone else judges him, despite not having the experience with him that you do, it would be unfair to both him and yourself to let other's opinions bleed into your own."
And again, she saw The Governor's face, fleeting, before reality hit again.
"You wouldn't mind him taking you in his bed night after night, making love to you like it's just the two of you left here on earth…And you can't deny that you want him to be the first man to do those things to you…the only man to do those things to you…whisper he loves you…hold you in his arms…and you can't deny that you'd love being his whore…"
Beth shook herself again furiously.
"What would your family think? What would they all say if they knew you see good in him? More importantly, what would they do?"
Unbidden, the familiar encasing scent of ivory hit her…and she could still feel his touch…
"But if you are hidin' somethin' I will find out." Maggie's voice, from all of those weeks ago…
And now it was as though The Walker was screaming at her, taunts ever more biting…
"You know you want him and even just one time of him between your legs just won't be enough for you both…"
Beth let out a flustered sigh, nerves rising and grace falling as she stumbled a little. Crouching down, she fixed her shoe, steeling herself.
Just ignore it…just ignore all of it…you know The Walker isn't real…you know you're not doin' anythin' wrong…
Taking in a deep breath, she slowly got up and finally reached his apartment.
Beth knocked, and it was as though she had been shocked when he finally answered.
Thud. Her heart skipped a beat…
Today he was wearing a simple red t-shirt and black pants, belt to match, and she couldn't deny that the shirt suited him…
Oh, she'd always known he was lean, but…the way he looked today, the clothes he had worn on their other visits just had never showcased it in much the same way before…
"How you'd love for him to just take you up in his arms one night, carry you to his bed… and finally, gloriously, take you… it doesn't matter that you haven't done it before…it won't matter to him…"
Beth flushed, taking in a deep, quiet breath before speaking.
"H…hey," she said quickly. "How have you been?"
Only…was it her imagination? Surely, it was…
It seemed that he was unable to speak at first at well, and almost as though he were in some sort of trance…
He was looking at her so oddly…and she couldn't put her finger on it…
Was she imagining the ever-so-slight change in his eye as he took her in, the blue becoming almost darker?
Was she imagining how time seemed to stop as they simply stared at each other?
Yes, at once, she decided. She was…
Finally, The Governor spoke, softly clearing his throat. "Hi," he said softly, his eye never leaving her face as he spoke. "I've been alright…how have you been since last week?"
And just like that, the moment seemed to pass, and an odd soft of comfort returned, the same as always…
Beth nodded. "That's good. And I've…I've been good, too," she said.
Silence soon returned, and still they stared at each other, wordlessly.
Yet the peace, at least to Beth, was rudely interrupted, as always these days…
"You're just the same as he is…and you're just awful for thinking the way you do about him…there's something terribly wrong with you…"
Beth ignored it, forcing her mind to block out everything else.
Averting her eyes, smoothing a piece of her hair back, Beth made herself speak again, noticing how he still wasn't moving.
"Are you…are you alright?" she asked, feeling self-conscious. "You…you look like somethin's botherin' you…I…I can leave, if you don't want me…"
Quickly, The Governor spoke, shaking his head. "Oh, no…no. I'm sorry…it's not you at all. Believe me."
Opening the door, he said, "Come in."
Beth did so, and though the inside was humid, it was still far nicer than the outdoor air.
She sat down and then the steady resounding click of the door…He walked past her and she tried, in vain, not to stare…
And, as always, that evil creature spoke yet again, her taunts still more wickedly gleeful, still not done… "You can't deny it!"
Beth breathed in deep and forced herself to tear her eyes away from his back. The Governor came back with a bottle of juice for her, and she couldn't help smiling a little, touched; for once, completely able to forget all the invisible words that had been taunting her the entire journey here.
"You always give me things when I come here, and you don't need to. They're yours," she said softly.
The Governor smiled softly, leaning his hands on the table, and she was glad, for it was nice to know that he truly was alright, as he had said…It seemed the earlier weirdness of before was forgotten, and everything was back to normal…
"But you need these things more than I do, Beth…and I have more than enough for myself," he said.
Beth looked at him, and then felt herself begin to grow even more self-conscious, cursing herself for feeling the all-too familiar blush visits here with him always seemed to inspire in her…that he seemed to inspire in her.
Quickly, she said, "Well, thank you very much," and averted her eyes.
He was still looking at her, that much she could tell, but thankfully he sat down, averting his own vision from her.
Beth made herself look at him, intent on starting conversation as soon as possible. Yet…words seemed to fail her as her eyes, of seemingly their own accord, trailed down his arms…
But…it was such dangerous territory, and so she made herself speak, unable to staunch a light blush at her thoughts of only a few seconds earlier.
She cleared her throat. "So…how was your week?" Inwardly she cringed at how awfully dumb her question was, and just how stupid she no doubt sounded, but at least it was better than foolishly sitting there in silence, looking like an idiot.
The Governor had looked at her at the sound of her voice, and he nodded. "Quiet, like always," he said softly. "I wish I had more to tell you, but I don't," he said, smiling a little as he looked down and brushed his pant leg.
Beth nodded. "Well I'm sure there's somethin'" she replied.
He looked up at her. "Nope, not really. It'd only bore you."
Now quite curious, Beth spoke again, trying. "Oh…just tell me. I…I won't get bored," she said.
He laughed a little, softly. "Now remember that once I tell you," he gently teased, and Beth couldn't help smiling.
"I honestly do a whole lot of nothin' every single week…supply runs…fixin' up things here and there…killin' Biters…I honestly do nothin'" he said. "I'm not very interestin' and my days reflect that.
"I mean…not that there really is a whole lot to do anymore these days…but, alright. This week I got super crazy and went on a supply run not one, not two, but three nights in a row …I saw absolutely nobody where I went to get supplies…I got a lot of sleep…I killed Biters…cooked…I took a shower every day… a doozy of a week."
Against her will, Beth jumped a little, unable to help imagining him undressing before showering…
Blush growing, she forced herself to look at him anyway, hoping she wouldn't be transparent.
"Well that actually does sound excitin'" she said, focusing on his face. "Honest. And…and hey. Don't be so hard on yourself. I…I'm sure there are some folks nowadays even now…especially now…who just…just get drunk every day, bum around and don't do anythin' worthwhile…just wait for Walkers to get them. At least you do worthwhile things with your time."
Silence, and she almost regretted her words, her embarrassment acute. But to her relief…immense, immense relief…he gently smiled.
The Governor said, "Thank you, but…it's really not worthwhile what I do…and… god. I'd consider it a great day indeed if I could find some decent alcohol."
Beth couldn't help smiling, laughing softly. "And I had such faith in you," she gently, yet awkwardly, teased.
He laughed a little. "I don't mean to sound like I'm a ragin' alcoholic or anythin'…I'm not …but…there are certain things in life you miss from before now. Alcohol bein' one of 'em."
Beth nodded. "You do miss a lot of things from before…movies…amusement parks…swimming…pizza…"
The Governor leaned back in his chair, laughing a little. "Yep…god. Nobody really said how…borin' the end of the world was goin' to be. It's a little disappointin'. I always expected more," he said, joking.
Again Beth nodded. "Honestly," she said, speaking softly, "of all the things I miss…I really, just really, miss music," she said, growing solemn. "CDs…the radio…even just findin' a… a workin' record player now would be wonderful. It's just…gosh…so lonely sometimes. And…honestly, music always made me feel close to my Mama, even if she was away for the week or somethin' with my daddy. It…it was always our thing."
Beth looked at her hands, biting her lip, and when she looked up, she found his expression to be…honestly, full of pity for her. She almost wanted to look away.
"I'm, I'm sorry," she said softly, feeling even more embarrassed, looking down at her hands. "I…I didn't mean to bring her up, or…get all depressing on you…it's just…"
"Hey." The Governor spoke softly, and she still didn't want to look up. "Look at me, Beth," he said.
Against her better judgement, knowing she'd only blush as always, she did. The Governor spoke, still speaking softly, voice deep as always yet gentle, and she was almost shocked at the words that came out.
"You don't ever have to be sorry for talkin' about your family, or…or bein' sad sometimes. It doesn't make me upset. God knows I…I mention my family all the time…sometimes it…it helps to talk about it with someone. And you didn't do anythin' wrong. You can feel free to mention your mother all you want; it doesn't matter to me. I truly am sorry, for your loss."
Beth looked at him, the words reaching deep inside of her, making her feel even more touched…
"Th…thank you," she said sincerely. "I…that just really means a lot to me…and…you can mention your family any time you want, too. You…you're right; it truly does help to talk about it."
The Governor stared at her wordlessly, and for a few moments she honestly felt transfixed, and then he nodded.
"Thank you," he said gently. "I'll…. I'll keep that in mind."
Beth nodded. "Well…good. I'm glad," she said. "But I…I really do mean it, and I…I know I've said it before…and I…and I don't want to…to make you sad or…bring up any bad memories or anythin' but…I…I really am sorry for your losses as well. Truly. And no matter what you may think…your wife and Penny still love you…I know they do."
He was still staring at her and she could see the plain shock on his face, evident and raw, and honestly, it truly was the saddest thing…
If he were truly evil… without a heart… then why did she get the impression, though he'd rather die than admit it to anyone, that most days he probably wished he was dead…?
The sorrow touched deep within Beth and she made herself speak again, knowing he still didn't believe her.
"You…you do honestly know that, right?" she said softly, knowing her face only held pity. "I…they do still love you and care for you, in Heaven. And they…they always will. Just because you…you went down a wrong path, that doesn't mean they don't. I know…I can see it on your face, plain as day, that you don't believe that, but…it's the truth. Honest."
The Governor was still silent, staring at her, and, above everything, he looked very, very affected by her words.
Growing a little self-conscious, Beth looked at her hands. Then she heard his voice, soft and hoarse. She looked up at him, and he was now staring at her with the same oddest expression again…
"Beth? Th…thank you," he said softly. "I…" He looked down and gestured with his hands. "I don't think you realize just how…how much it…helps to hear things like that."
Still silence, and Beth stared at him, and then, he simply looked back at her, nodding his head. "Thank you."
She held contact with him, the silence almost swimming around them…
And then she only smiled.
"It's no trouble at all," she said softly. "Honest."
The Governor curtly nodded, looking down again, at something she could not see, and again, the silence returned.
But honestly, it was rather calm, this time. Beth simply focused her attention on the worn wood of the table, and then she was shocked when he spoke after a time.
"So…just what music do you wish you could listen to now? I was actually always a big Bush fan…even saw them in concert a few times."
Beth looked up and smiled, surprised. "You know, rock was never really my favorite genre…but I always liked their songs."
The Governor grinned. "One of the best damn bands ever created…at least in my opinion."
Beth laughed a little, unable to help it. "Honestly, I…I just miss a lot of music…but I always liked romance songs, and…country songs. I'd give anythin' to just find music. It gets tirin' singin' everythin' from memory…and though I am good, I'm nowhere near as good," she said, lightly joking.
The Governor laughed a little. "I'm sure you're better than you give yourself credit for."
Beth smiled a little, looking down. She looked up when he spoke again.
"Soundgarden was always good too…I was just always a pretty big rock person," he continued. "Just blarin' it when I had a long drive in the summer…it always made drivin' extra enjoyable," he said.
Beth nodded. "Yeah…you really do miss music a lot. You never realize how much you thought the world would always have it."
The Governor leaned back in his chair. "Honestly, I just miss movies…television…hell, cold beer," he said, smiling a little, and Beth couldn't help smiling back, blushing a little.
"I just miss ice cream a lot, honestly," she said.
The Governor smiled a little wider, looking down. "Damn, now I'm goin' to be thinkin' about how much I want a sundae tonight," he said softly.
Beth smiled. "I'm sorry."
The Governor said, lightly grinning at her, "You're fine…but, god. Pizza…chicken wings…burgers…I really miss all that."
Beth nodded her agreement.
"What television shows did you like before all this?"
Beth bit her lip, slightly taken aback. "Um…well I actually always liked Gilmore Girls the best…it was always my favorite. Maggie and me and my Mama would always watch it together. It was always our thing."
To her surprise, his response shocked her. "That actually was always a good show," he said, tying his shoe, and Beth couldn't help staring a little in shock.
Looking up, he said, smiling a little, "Yes…I watched it. I mean…it's not really a show I would have watched on my own, but…my wife liked it, and honestly it was always pretty good television when she was gone at medical conferences and things and it was 3 AM and I couldn't sleep and there was nothin' else on. Go ahead, you can mock me," he said, returning his line of vision to his shoe, finishing.
Beth smiled a little, recovering, shaking herself. "No…no, of course I'm not goin' to mock you! I'm…I'm just surprised, that's all," she said. "I didn't think it'd be a show you'd like. And, well, it is very girly in some aspects."
Finishing, The Governor sat up again and grinned again, and somehow, the sheer brilliance of it made her pause in shock for a few moments…
Feeling herself redden a little, she shook herself, sure she looked like a complete idiot… He spoke again.
"But I did think the show was better when she was still in high school…I didn't really like the college years as much."
Beth smiled. "I was gutted when she and Jess broke up…Even more gutted when they kissed in season six and she turned him down."
The Governor laughed a little. "I actually always really liked crime shows and things like that…horror movies, like I told you…Hannibal Lecter…all that stuff. And I know how much of a morbid person I must sound to you, but I'm really not, I promise."
She smiled. "Of course you don't sound morbid."
"Although, I have to regain my masculinity after spillin' that to you," he said, gently teasing, and Beth couldn't help smiling again a little.
Speaking, she said, "I always loved Disney movies…The Little Mermaid and Sleeping Beauty in particular. And, of course, live action romances and fairy tale movies. Musicals, too…The Sound of Music was always my favorite; I've loved it ever since I was a little girl."
The Governor laughed a little. "My mother absolutely loved that movie; she'd always hum the songs while doin' housework growin' up. And oh god Penny loved Disney movies…one time she must have watched The Little Mermaid fifty times on loop when she was sick with the stomach bug one weekend…And I'm not kiddin…' And I did watch it with her, I'm not goin' to lie…my wife was out of town and me and her just watched Disney movies…and then she puked all over my shirt at one point, after promisin' me she felt okay enough to eat pancakes I made her," he said, gently smiling a little.
Beth smiled a little as well.
"But I actually always did like The Little Mermaid and all those movies…they were good. But the only one I couldn't stand was Snow White…I had to be out of the room when Penny watched it. Her singin' voice drove me up the wall."
Beth laughed a little.
Grinning, The Governor said, a far-off look in his eye, "Penny had the biggest crush on Prince Eric. It was the most adorable thing ever."
Beth smiled, gently laughing a little. "She had good taste. What little girl didn't? I know I did."
The Governor smiled at her, and for a few moments, again, she felt disarmed, and words temporarily failed her. Butterflies were somehow swirling in her stomach…and was it possible to feel so…alive, too…?
He laughed softly. "But yeah…I always miss activities from back then…roller bladin'…swimmin'…roller coasters, like we talked about."
Beth nodded. "God I miss all of those things…especially roller bladin'," she said. "My friends and I would always go to the arena…and I miss water parks, too."
The Governor nodded a little. "That's another one."
Beth said, "I remember we had a trampoline on the farm…a huge one, too, and me and Shawn and Maggie would always be on it in the summer…it was so nice with the stars up in the sky at night."
The Governor smiled a little. "That's how I broke my arm once…I was drunk and stupid…but even despite how painful it was, I still went on those after I healed."
Beth nodded, feeling sympathy for him. "I'm sorry."
The Governor looked at her again, shaking his head, smiling in amusement, and again, she felt herself blush lightly.
"You're the politest woman I've ever met in my life," he said softly, and Beth looked down, smiling a little in embarrassment.
She looked up again, making herself speak. He looked at her, and again, she felt disarmed, her words seeming to fly away… "I…well…what Bush song was your favorite?" she asked, mostly to fill in the awkwardness and also because she really couldn't think straight right then…
And he laughed again, leaning his head back, and she tried hard…so very hard…not to notice just how…beautiful…the sound was…
"See now…god…that's just sacrilege to pick just one," he said, looking back at her.
Beth shook herself, feeling a jolt in her stomach. She hastily smiled. "You really must have been a big fan then."
The Governor nodded. "That I was."
A gentle silence fell again and then Beth spoke again. Thinking of Walkers, she said, "I…sometimes I just really miss music for a completely horrible reason…it drowns out them…you know?"
The Governor nodded. "I do know," he said softly, looking at her.
Beth nodded, breathing in deep. Then, she said, after hesitating a little, "So…what other girly things did you secretly like back then?" hoping he'd know she was simply joking.
Thankfully, he smiled. He laughed a little again, tousling his hair. "Gilmore and Disney Princess movies is about it," he said, and Beth nodded, knowing he was telling the truth.
"I always do realize just how…quiet the world is now, though," he said. "I…god. I'll go out and stand and look at the stars when I just can't sleep, and I don't know if it's a good or a bad thing."
Beth nodded. "We always wanted it quiet back then, but now that it is, we're still not happy."
He nodded. "Life sure was good back then, even with the few complaints…or, many, really," he said, and she couldn't help smiling.
"I remember…always just…stressin' out about finals and projects and things…god. It'd be heaven to only have to worry about those sorts of things, and not fightin' for your life every day."
The Governor nodded. "What I would give to only have to complain about bad drivers and annoyin' people at work and trivial stuff."
Beth nodded.
"Have your runs been goin' okay?" he asked, and the question surprised her, catching her off guard.
"I meant every word of what I said," he continued. "You can take whatever supplies of mine you want back. I don't mind. I'd be glad to give them to you."
Feeling touched yet again, Beth said, seriously, "Thank you. Truly. But…I've…I've been okay. I get lucky. I really only have to worry about strays."
He nodded. "I'm glad to hear it."
Feeling curious, Beth said, "But…what about you? Your runs…I hope you're okay," she said. "Safe."
Unbidden she imagined him getting hurt…or even worse, somehow, bit…his crimson blood spilling out of him…and the imaginings filled her with something she did not know…
"You can't deny it!" The sharp, quiet hiss was near deafening…
He curtly nodded, smiling a little. "Well I ain't dead yet," he said softly. And somehow, her heart twisted a bit as she imagined the possibilities…evil and dark and horrible…
Noticing her expression, he said, growing serious, "Thank you, but I…I always keep myself as safe as I possibly can. It's…just a fifty-fifty chance out there now."
Beth nodded, unable to speak, knowing he was absolutely right.
Silence hit again and then he asked, "I'm sorry, did you want any water with your juice? I have plenty. It ain't much, but…"
And somehow, she was able to forget her thoughts of earlier, just for a moment, her worries momentarily forgotten.
In spite of herself, Beth smiled. "No, thank you, but I'm alright. Truly."
The Governor gently smiled and got up anyway and came back with a bottle of water, handing it to her. Beth's smile grew a little and she took it.
"Thank you," she said softly.
He smiled a little. "It's no trouble," he said gently.
She put the bottle down at her feet. "I'll save it for the ride back," she said. "Thank you, again. It really has been hot the last few days."
"Hence why I've been goin' on runs at night…sometimes the world just seems more…normal at night, too."
Beth nodded, wholeheartedly agreeing. "The stars are still so beautiful, even though it's the end of the world. You…you can almost pretend it's normal now still."
Again, he nodded. "I've always been more of a night person than a day person any way…especially now."
Beth nodded. He spoke again. "I don't know…the world is so fucked up now, it's just…sad kids nowadays will never know a normal life."
Beth thought of Judith, and couldn't help nodding again, feeling solemn.
"I agree completely," she said, feeling even more solemnity flooding her again as she thought of Judith's adorable smiles, and laughs.
"In a way…I'm almost…almost glad my wife was spared from this hell…and that Penny…well…you're…you're right. At least she must be in a better place too…no matter how much it hurts," he said softly.
Beth stared again, feeling ever more pity flood her for him. "They both are. You…you just gotta believe it."
Watching him, she could still see how his face was serious…mood clearly showing he was plunged in sorrow…and then, finally, his expression changed.
Finally, The Governor smiled a little, though faintly. "You're relentless," he said softly.
Beth couldn't help blushing a little, but she looked down before responding. "And don't you forget it," she said mock-jauntily.
Again, he laughed a little, softly, and Beth could not help a small smile of her own.
"You must have been a force to be reckoned with at the nursin' home," he said, his tone clearly showing he was only teasing.
Beth smiled, shrugging, yet still a little surprised that he actually remembered that… "I was just always really…supportive of all of them. That's all. I did love workin' there, even though it was only a part-time job."
The Governor nodded. "Well, that's good. I'm sure you were wonderful there. And I'm sorry, I was only kiddin' about the crack I made."
Beth shook her head, smiling. "I know. And now you're the one apologizin'" she said, and she saw him smile a little.
Silence fell again, and, staring at him, again, Beth couldn't help her heartbeat from speeding up, just a little…
Outdoors, a far-off rumble of thunder hit, and she couldn't help jumping, suddenly pulled from her thoughts…
He noticed.
"Hey, you alright? It's just thunder," he said softly. "Nothin's goin' to happen to you."
Beth nodded, putting a hand on her heart, unable to staunch yet another blush. "Y…yeah. I'm fine. It just…caught me by surprise, that's all."
In spite of her embarrassment, she couldn't help laughing, and he smiled a little, too.
And then he spoke again. "Actually, that's probably your cue to leave…it'll be dark soon, and Biters…Biters somehow love it when it rains."
She nodded, knowing he was right.
"I'll walk you out," he said, and she nodded.
And, as always, they walked out to the gate, and it was truly miraculous how dark the sky was just now beginning to turn. The gray clouds were ominous and foreboding, and somehow, she couldn't help looking forward to being safe in the prison with everyone else when the storm finally broke.
But…thinking of him here, all alone, it brought her sorrow…and though it'd be impossible to stay the night with him…simply provide him with extra company for just one night…somehow the thought was… somehow…inviting…
She knew she'd be more than safe with him. And it would be almost… enjoyable…
"You know you'd love spending the night with him, and, even more, enjoy him taking you in his bed… making love all night while the heavens cleanse hell…and the activities you two would get up to…my, my. You wouldn't be innocent little Bethie anymore…"
Beth blushed, unable to help herself.
They reached it, and, slowly, turning to face him, suddenly she was hit, again, with visions…horrible, horrible visions…of things happening to him while on runs…
His blood…red and dark and absolutely drenching his person…a Bite mark here…a cut or bruise there…or, somehow, worse…him being shot while on runs by other men, their laughs cruel and piercing as they echoed off the walls…almost as piercing as the gunshot…
As if in a fog, slowly the visions cleared, but yet...the fear remained
Turning to him, she, somehow, found her voice. "H…hey. Th…thank you, Philip," she said softly.
It was the first time she had ever said his name, and somehow, she couldn't help registering just how natural it felt, on her tongue.
Looking at him, he honestly looked surprised that she had used it, but he smiled. "I should be thankin' you," he said softly.
Yet…she couldn't smile, as she imagined his blood pouring out of him…
Going close to him, she gently touched his arm, fully aware of how wonderful he still smelled, like every other time, and just how close she was to him…
"T…take care of yourself," she said, looking seriously at him, and she knew that he knew she was talking about the runs in particular.
"I will," he said gently. "But I'm worried more for you than for me, Beth."
She nodded, stepping back. "I'll be fine. Just…take care of yourself."
The Governor nodded at her, yet said nothing, and he seemed just as loath to move as she did, in that moment…
The air seemed to crackle around them… and though a rather cool blast of air hit, she still felt oddly, warmer than ever…
Feeling a blush come on again, Beth simply made herself smile and turned, breaking the spell, and he opened the gate for her.
She was surprised, though, when he put a hand on her arm this time. She tried not to think how wonderfully warm it was…
"Hey, Beth. I…Take care of yourself, too. But I'll be fine. I always am."
Beth nodded, his words touching yet affecting all at once.
The Governor nodded curtly, and said, "See you next week, Beth."
And she forced herself to smile, nodding at him as well, the entire drive home trying not to picture him broken and bloodied.
She was smiling. Truly smiling, a smile that lit up her whole face today…She was smiling. For the first time in months…heck, ever since this had first started, six long months ago. And it warmed his heart beyond measure, bringing a happy smile to his own face.
She was smiling, like every seven-year old girl deserved to. Penny was smiling. And that alone made his heart swell.
For every other night before this day, the poor child had been a stark contrast to her demeanor on this warm spring day. Every other night, including last night, was always the same: She would be sobbing quietly by herself, her long brown hair in her face, the tears seeming to flood out of her, whimpering and shaking, huddling her knees up to her chest, clutching her stuffed puppy for dear life, in whatever cramped shack or dirty room their group had found for the evening, just tearfully begging for her daddy. She was scared to death that he would get hurt and he'd turn into one of those scary monsters outside, the monsters that she didn't understand but knew were dangerous. Or that'd he die and leave her like Mommy had, when the world was still normal. She just wanted him to hold her.
Her pale little face would be even whiter than when he had left, growing paler by the hour, by the time he'd finally get back and she'd literally cling to him, sobbing even more into his chest. And it always broke his heart into little tiny shards.
He absolutely hated to leave her, but he had to. He literally had no choice. All the men, and whatever women could shoot a gun, which, unfortunately, was sadly not many, always, always, without fail, had to go outside every night and dispatch hordes of Biters. Sometimes it was just strays, but they could never afford to be too careful.
Especially when it rained, which, unfortunately, happened too often lately. The Biters somehow loved when it rained.
He'd stumble in, and though he'd be beaten and exhausted, and drenched with blood, he didn't care. He just wanted to comfort Penny.
And then, it'd always be the same: He'd carry Penny across the room to a far corner, away from the others, and just rock her as she cried, whispering nothing but soothing things to her, telling her how brave she was and how much he loved her… It broke his heart to see her so upset, but sadly, there was nothing that could fix that. It'd sometimes take hours to calm her down, especially when he was covered in blood and nothing could seem to convince her that it wasn't his and he wouldn't become a monster and leave her all alone.
Eventually, though, she would calm, and she'd fall asleep in his arms, his last words to her before sleep claimed her, always, without fail, that Daddy would always be there and he would never let anything ever happen to her. Often everyone else would be asleep and Philip Blake alone would stay awake, exhaustion acute but not wanting to move for fear it'd wake Penny. The moans and sounds of Biters, far off in the woods, would be the only thing he'd hear, along with the wind…
But, today, it was warm and sunny, and he and Penny were playing tag in the little camp their group had found just for the day. Everyone else had gone on a supply run, but he'd elected to stay behind and watch the camp, as well as spend time with Penny.
A breeze blew his brown hair back and he tousled it, smiling even more as he heard Penny giggle.
"Daddy, look! The flowers are so pretty!"
Philip's smile grew. It was so adorable, her reaction. But…damn. Wincing, he crouched down, taking his foot out of his shoe. His wound was pretty much almost healed now, but it still smarted at times. Glancing up, he carefully scanned the trees…scanned all over…before turning his attention back to his shoe.
He decided, before they would begin their trek at midday, so they found somewhere safe by nightfall, for the little clearing they had found for the day would not protect them from Biters by nightfall, lack of tents being the main reason, he would have to add more padding to it. Especially if they needed to run.
Glancing up at Penny again, he laughed a little and quickly, quickly, put his shoe back on and began to relace it. Again and again he looked up, ever fearful for what would or would not be lurking in their surroundings. His gun was loaded and ready, but it wasn't him he was worried for…it was Penny. Above all.
She laughed again, and he glanced up, tenderly smiling again. "Honey, please…you're makin' Daddy nervous. Please, come here by me and then we'll continue our game, alright? I'll pick flowers with you later. I promise."
And Penny laughed. "Daddy, look! The lilacs are so pretty! Can we keep them, Daddy? Can we?"
Turning his attention back to his shoe, quickly, quickly, he said, almost done relacing, looking up yet again, "Honey, of course you can. But please…you know the rules, pumpkin. Always be by Daddy when you're not inside."
And here she pouted a little, and he couldn't help laughing at how amusing it was. She sighed a little. "Oh, alright Daddy," she said quietly, beginning to make her way over to him.
Finally, his final relace almost in place, he said, "Pumpkin, you better run, because I'm goin' to get you."
Rotating his foot just a little, to offer himself some further relief, still in a bit of pain, he closed his eyes for just one second…just one. Looking up, it seemed like everything happened in slow motion.
Penny's eyes, so like her mother's, lit up and she bent down to pick a dandelion. Laughing, she said, "Daddy, this is for you, because I love you so much."
She didn't see the Biter that was slowly ambling towards her…too close to her.
His eyes widened, and he bolted up, yelling for her to get out of the way, running at breakneck speed. Why did he have to be so far away from her? Why?
"Penny, look out! Run! Run to Daddy, as quick as you can!" He could hear himself screaming.
He was running but, in his haste, his ankle buckled again, and he tripped. He could hear the crunch, but no matter how badly it hurt, he gritted his teeth and got up, literally clawing at the grass…He was still so far away. So far away…
Too late, Penny looked to her right and saw the creature, and she screamed, beginning to cry. "Daddy, please! Help me! Help me!"
He was so close…so close…
And all in one horrifying, awful moment, it had grabbed Penny and taken a large bite out of her shoulder, the blood spilling everywhere. She screamed, and his heart stopped.
Finally, finally, he was over there, and viciously pulled the Biter away from her, slamming its head on the ground in his anger and panic and hate. The thing let out a final snarl and then was silent, dead.
Throwing the corpse off to the side, his head was whirling in panic, and he didn't want to look… He didn't want to look…She couldn't be bit. She just couldn't… She was all he had left in the world, and his daughter couldn't be bit. Maybe it was all just a bad dream…or, goodness, please, just let her be all right…
Finally looking at her, he could have screamed. No…no…
It had bitten her square in the shoulder and back, and it was such a large wound…there was literally no way she would survive it. No way…
Near tears, his heart hurt even more at the sight of her own, and the sounds she was making were near torture. Crouching down, shaking himself, he simply scooped her up and held her to him.
"It's gonna be alright, honey. You're goin' to be alright. Daddy's here. Daddy's here," he said, his voice breaking.
She was whimpering, beginning to shake. "Daddy, it hurts! It hurts and burns…please. Make it stop," she said quietly, over and over, and his heart turned even more, stomach pooling with dread.
Rocking her, he simply closed his eyes and thought, panic making way for anger.
No…no. Penny would not die…she would not. He would not lose her…there had to be something that could be done. There had to be.
Throughout that whole long evening, he felt his heart break more and more as the hours went by.
He had vehemently refused everybody else's gentle offerings of "Philip, there's nothin' that can be done. Nothin'…you're goin' to have to put her down…we're so sorry. We know it's hard, but…"
But no. They didn't know, because it wasn't their child.
And so he simply locked himself in a room, alone with Penny, sitting vigil by her bedside the whole long night. The tears poured from his eyes and he felt like he was drowning.
No. No. He couldn't lose her. He couldn't. Not like this…and he hated to see her suffer…
He held her hand and comforted her, steeling himself for what would have to be done. But…the more he thought about it, the more he could not bear to kill her… He just couldn't. He loved her too much.
And…though she would soon be one of those things…surely, it would still be her inside, wouldn't it? Of course it would…and…there would surely be a cure some day, if not soon…and if he killed her…he truly would lose her forever. And he could not live without her.
No…no. He simply had to keep her alive. He had to… She'd be normal again some day. She would. She would…
Every hour that ticked by was more poison to his heart and his being. He was fully aware that for every hour that went by, his daughter was one hour closer to death, and by the time sunrise would hit, she would be gone, lost forever to him.
Never before had he hated the promise of dawn so much in his life.
Now he was curled up beside her on the bed, telling her how much he loved her, unable to stop the tears from falling, and she was still looking at him, growing ever paler, her own tears falling to match his own, her fear palpable…
The sounds and cries of agony she were making were some of the most horrifying sounds he had ever heard in his life, and he was fully aware that absolutely nothing he could do would alleviate them…
So he simply covered his ears with his hands, closing his blue eyes, and quietly sobbed.
Now…now she had finally stopped making those sounds, the sounds that made him want to draw blood from himself and sell his soul to the Devil if it would make her feel better, and now she had finally lost her sight. She was sobbing, in terrible fear, asking where her Daddy had gone…and why she couldn't see anything…She didn't like it…
He cradled her in his arms, rocking her gently, saying she was only dreaming and when she woke up he would be right there. She was so brave…so brave. And he loved her so much…
Finally, it was six in the morning. It was still dark outside. But dawn was fast approaching.
It was almost cruel, how fast time went by.
She had finally fallen silent, and she was cold. He was still curled up beside her, and he gently kissed her hair, closing his eyes and letting himself linger. He knew that when she woke up, she would no longer be normal…no longer be herself…and he wanted to savor the last few moments he would ever have with Penny, as he had always known her.
Another tear fell from his eye and landed on her cheek, and he gently wiped it off, cursing himself.
He could still see everything, from yesterday. And it was all his fault. All his fault. He was the reason Penny had gotten Bit. He was the reason…
As he awaited Penny's waking up, he caught sight of his reflection in a cracked mirror
His blue eyes were bloodshot and swollen, and his brown hair was matted and dirty. He was trembling as he cradled Penny in his arms, and he hated himself. He didn't deserve to live. He didn't. He was the worst father ever and it was all his fault…
So he gently put Penny down on the bed, kissing her cheek, and shot the mirror. He could have stabbed himself with the shards.
But what he did know was he would never, ever let anything happen to Penny. He would protect her with his life, if necessary. And one day…one day, she would be normal again.
His whole being ached as he walked outside. It was after midnight, and everyone else in Woodbury was asleep. It was cold, and it was clear it was going to storm soon. But he didn't care.
His whole body felt like it was on fire after his fight with Michonne…and especially the wound she had left in his eye…
But he didn't care. Because nothing hurt as much as his heart did.
How could the world still be working? How could there still be life? Because there shouldn't have been…
Penny was dead. She was dead. And it was all his fault. He had failed her twice…twice…two times too many.
Steeling himself, he pulled his black collar up against the nighttime chill, and re-entered his room. He almost could have vomited, bile rising in his throat as he began to shake before turning on the light.
Don't look…don't look…
He looked anyway.
Her little corpse was still laying there, blood still staining the wood, and at the sight, he almost lost it again.
Closing his eye, he simply grabbed a blanket…pink, her favorite color…and went over and wrapped her in it, making sure her whole entire body was covered, including her head. He tried not to look right at her as he wrapped her, knowing his heart would crack even more if he did, and simply, once she was covered, kissed her on the forehead, cradling her in his arms.
And then, he lifted her up, carrying her to the truck. He simply knew he had to take care of this right away, and do it in a place far, far away from Woodbury. He could not bear to bury her there…it would only haunt him every day.
He drove…and drove…and drove… He honestly didn't even know where he was going. Vaguely he realized Biters could easily get him, in his current mind state, and somehow, he didn't care.
Oddly, it would be welcome.
He rolled the windows down, the cold, rushing wind doing nothing to affect him.
His heart throbbed.
Finally, he came to a forest edge, the trees black and beckoning, and knew that this place would have to be the place.
He started a fire, half debating just letting himself fall into the flames, and then, finally, removed the shovel from the back and began to dig.
He didn't know how long he dug, but eventually, he was through.
Taking a deep breath, he removed Penny from the back of the truck, holding her to him, and let the tears finally fall again.
Sitting at the grave's edge, he simply cradled her body to him and quietly cried. Closing his eye, he knew that this would be the last time he would ever have with his daughter, and he didn't want this night to end.
And it was so cruel that because of him, his stupidity and ineptness as a father, Penny's life had ended at the age of seven. And it was all his fault.
For three hours he sat, just holding her in his arms, and then, finally, took a deep breath and kissed her on the head again, steeling himself.
Finally, at last, he let himself drop down into the grave and gently placed her inside.
Woodenly, he filled it, and then, when he was done, simply stared, not even caring how his hands were bleeding from the blisters.
Closing his eye, again, trying not to think about Penny, he needed something other than pain and emptiness to feel…His heart throbbed again, even more painful…
Michonne's face flashed before him. And hate flooded him. Gripping the shovel even tighter, he breathed in hard. Because of her, he had lost his daughter.
Because of her, he would never have Penny back.
And were it not for Rick's group invading Woodbury…she would never have been brought back. Never been able to kill Penny.
And somehow, as he gripped the shovel tighter, as he thought of Penny again, he could have screamed, the hurt was still so awful.
Breathing hard again, he swore that Michonne would pay. Rick's group would pay. If they wanted war, they would get it, and heaven help all of them…
And so, he drove back, unaware that in the ensuing months, he would lose every single shred of his sanity and humanity, and trace of the man he had always been, and truly was.