I got this one out quick! But ack is it awful...my apologies! The others will all be better, I swear!
Two evenings later, Beth walked outside, the chill almost unbearable and the moon bright above her. She couldn't sleep, and her cell was still freezing, even with all of the blankets she had, so she figured, why shouldn't she get exercise and be cold, instead of simply lying there.
She shivered again and pulled her pink sweater closer around her…embarrassingly, lately, now that she always dwelled on the fact that he had given it to her…that this was the sweater he had given her all of those long weeks ago, on their very first meeting, it almost made it…special…to her, now. Treasured…instead of alarming, as it had first been…
Beth blushed again and hated herself for it, but she couldn't help also thinking just how…nice it would be if she had one of his own shirts to keep her warm…long and so soothingly warm…and…and smelling of him, whenever she breathed in the fabric…Of ivory…and encompassing the very essence of him…
Her blush grew. She was walking down by where she had turned down Zach last week, and the sorrow still hit her, but oddly, this place was very soothing. It truly amazed her just how expansive the prison grounds really were. And it almost made her remember the farm, in some odd nostalgic way, which made her love walking around here even more.
She couldn't bear to be in the prison sometimes, though she adored it…true, most everyone was still sleeping, save for Maggie and Glenn, as she had heard them laughing quietly together in Glenn's cell as she'd walked outside, but when everyone was awake, it was so noisy…so stifling at times…but she knew the real reason she couldn't bear to be in there was because of herself. What she felt, and thought, about him, and how she was so paranoid every day that someone would simply look at her and know her secret.
A gaggle of black bats noisily screeched as she saw them fly beyond the gate, illuminated by the light of the moon for one moment.
And then a breeze hit, cold again, and she couldn't help laughing a little. It was almost like October weather now! And then she sorrowed a bit, as she remembered how she'd always loved Halloween with Shawn. Her heart cracked a little. She, Maggie and Shawn had always gone trick-or-treating together, without fail, before Maggie had deemed herself too cool for it once she'd entered high school, and then college. But she and Shawn had still went, always, and she couldn't help remembering their last Halloween ever together, nine months before the apocalypse had started. And, always, every Halloween season, she and Shawn had always gone to the local haunted corn maze…
Her heart broke into pieces fully once again as she also remembered just how her mother had loved the autumn weather…how she'd always looked so beautiful in her long, colorful skirts and blouses, or dress pants and sweaters, her blonde hair always curled to perfection…and how she and her mother had always gone boot shopping every fall, without fail…As if in a daze she could see herself and her mother singing together and dancing to the radio in the kitchen as they had baked pumpkin bread together, or Halloween cookies and other treats…True, it had never been her favorite holiday…that had always been Christmas…but she still missed the memories…missed them, above all…
Feeling tears coming to her eyes, Beth simply closed her eyes and willed herself to not cry. But it was in vain. A few escaped, and she simply allowed herself to cry for a few moments. She knew she was being selfish, and ridiculous. At least she still had her father and Maggie. Some people had nobody at all anymore…like him…and she couldn't help feeling even more immense sympathy for him, despite her pain. But it was still the hardest thing in the world to overcome. And she would never, ever be over losing them.
More tears fell again, and she closed her eyes. And, somehow, she simply wanted nothing more at that moment than for somebody to just hold her…to just bury her face into their chest and have them hold her and soothe her as she cried…and unbidden, the feel of what it would be like wrapped in Philip's arms…The Governor's arms…came to her, and it comforted her, however embarrassing and silly it was…
She simply stood outside, composing herself as best she could, and then made one more lap before finally going to bed.
The next day, Beth couldn't help smiling as she stood outside Sasha's cell, waiting for Sasha and Bob to finish kissing.
It was so heartwarming…they were truly an adorable couple, and she couldn't have been happier for the two of them.
Out of all the former Woodbury girls, she had definitely become the closest to Sasha, and truly considered her a second sister. And, she had to admit, though she loved Maggie with all her heart, it always cut her to the quick that she felt she could never talk to Maggie about anything…about guys…for advice…anything…because Maggie would always just get mad at her and yell at her, intent on keeping her a child forever. It truly destroyed her, at the fact she didn't think Maggie even really loved her sometimes…or just simply thought of her as a nuisance. Beth loved her older sister, more than words could say, but sometimes, she didn't think the feeling was mutual…And, even worse…she honestly thought sometimes that if both she and Glenn ever were to go missing, Maggie would no doubt surely be more concerned about Glenn…the thought made her heart break, whenever she thought about it. So she tried not to.
Bob and Sasha finally broke apart, then, and Beth's smile grew.
Bob gave her a brilliant smile, and Sasha stepped away from Bob and excitedly held out her arms.
"Ahh girl, get over here!"
Beth laughed and went over and hugged her. At least she had Sasha for advice and things she could never talk to Maggie about.
Bob spoke, grinning. "I'm sorry, Beth…didn't know you were waiting. I'll leave you two girls to catch up."
Beth smiled too. She truly liked Bob, and thought he was fantastic for Sasha.
"It's alright, Bob. You guys are so cute together!"
Bob patted her on the shoulder. "She's cute. I'm not, Beth. But that's another reason why we all love you so much…you're very nice."
Beth blushed.
Sasha smiled at her, and gave Bob one last kiss on the cheek before he left.
"Girl, you get prettier by the day! It's been too long! Get your ass in here!"
Beth laughed and sat down beside Sasha's cot. Sasha handed her a bag of still-edible fruit snacks, and ripped open her own bag as she sat on her cot.
"How have you been, Beth?"
Beth shrugged and opened her bag. "I've been alright, I guess. But aww Sasha, you and Bob are really so adorable together. I'm so happy for you two!"
Sasha smiled, and Beth couldn't help detecting what looked like a faint darkening on her cheeks.
Beth laughed. She nudged Sasha's arm. "Aw, you're blushing!"
Sasha rolled her eyes.
"Oh…I'm turning into those girls I always made fun of in high school…but he does that to me. I love him, Beth. I really, really do." Her smile grew as she looked at Beth, her eyes almost glowing.
Beth smiled. "I can tell. And aw…I'm so glad. I…I really consider you a second sister, Sasha."
Sasha sat up, touched. "Oh…Beth, that's so sweet! I consider you a sister, too…I really, really do."
Then Sasha spoke again, though softly.
"Actually…Beth…Bob and I have been talking…and we're thinking of getting married. Just like Maggie and Glenn did. Not for awhile, though…but…I've been meaning to ask you…when we do…will you be my Maid of Honor? I…I really do consider you the sister I never had, and I just love you so much, girl. Please say yes."
Beth's eyes widened and she couldn't help smiling, feeling tears coming to her eyes.
"R…really? Oh…of course I will!"
Sasha clapped her hands and hugged her again. Then she sat back down on her cot.
"Yes! So…anyway…tell me…any men in your life lately?"
Beth couldn't help blushing yet again as she thought of The Governor…and just how oddly wonderful his hand had felt on her arm last week…but she shook it off as best she could.
But of course, nothing went unnoticed by Sasha.
Eyes widening, beginning to smile, she said, "Beth! Oh. My. God. Tell me who he is! Right now! Right now!"
Beth shook herself, cursing herself for always blushing over everything.
"Ah…he…he's nobody," she said. "And…and besides…he'd…he so doesn't…wouldn't feel the same. Not for a girl who looks like me."
Her stomach plummeted again as she thought of the reality of that…the very real truth of that…but then she shook herself. Really, it would be for the best, would it not? They…they would never work out anyway…and…and besides…why would she want them to?
"You can't deny it!" She flinched at the familiar taunt.
Sasha sat up, flabbergasted. "Girl, you're crazy! Have you ever even looked in a mirror? You're gorgeous! I'm surprised you haven't had to beat all the Woodbury guys your own age off with a stick! Whoever the guy is here who has your heart, believe me, the feeling's mutual, Beth!"
Beth laughed a little, looking down. "Right. I'm nowhere near as beautiful as you, or Maggie…or anyone."
Sasha softly hit her with a bright red pillow. "Beth! Ugh! Yes you are! And trust me…whoever your mystery man is…he definitely feels the same."
Beth blushed softly yet again. And then, smiling, Sasha said, "Well…that's alright. I'm sure I'll just find out eventually!"
Beth laughed again, and soon enough the pair of them were talking about regular things like usual.
And then, suddenly, Sasha's eyes lit up. "And oh! Beth, that reminds me! Look at all of this!"
She reached down below her cot and pulled out a huge box completely stocked to the brim with makeup…Beth couldn't believe her eyes.
There was colorful, beautiful crystal bottles of nail polish, brand new and still sealed, blush, lip gloss and lipstick, liquid concealer, face powder, eyeliner, mascara, eyeshadow, both sparkle encrusted and regular, and even bottles of hairspray.
"Oh my gosh! Where…where did you get all of that?"
Sasha grinned. "Last group supply run! There was this drugstore and I thought, hell, why not look! I've been hoarding it. I've been thinking…we should all have a Girls Night here one night! Do makeovers! You, me, Carol, Maggie, and whatever other girls want to do it."
Beth laughed, still in delight over things she never thought she'd see again. "Of course," she said happily. "I'd love to!"
Just then, Michonne passed them.
Sasha called out to her. "Michonne! You in for a Girls Night?" she asked, shaking the box.
The other woman stopped and simply stared in disgust, and her expression said it all.
"No thanks…I'd rather vomit."
And then she left.
Beth and Sasha couldn't help laughing at her predictable reaction.
"Ah, well. Can't win them all."
Carol passed next, carrying a basket of laundry.
"Carol! Are you in for a Girls Night?"
Carol stopped and her eyes widened at the box.
"Wow…you sure got lucky! And hell…sure…why not?" she said, shrugging.
"Ed never allowed me to wear makeup, or paint my nails…so you know what, I'm going to do it just to spite him, the bastard. I'm thinking a nice bright red," she said, smirking, and Beth couldn't help laughing.
"See you guys later," she said, smiling, before going to the washroom.
Sasha put the box under her cot again.
Beth said, "I can't wait!"
Sasha replied, "You and me both. We just have to talk to the others and plan a day. And there's plenty in here…we can all split the riches between us all."
Beth couldn't help clapping her hands. "It'll be so nice to feel like a girl again," she said, laughing.
Just then, Rick ran in, smiling at her, and put his hand on her arm.
"Beth! There you are! C'mon…we need you out there…I've been lookin' all over for you! Ditchin' us already?"
Beth's eyes widened, as she had completely forgotten it was…as their little elite group liked to call it…"Planting Day."
"Oh my gosh, Rick! I'm so sorry…I completely forgot."
Rick laughed and squeezed her arm. "It's alright, Beth. But I don't know if you can wear my hat today…that was a pretty huge transgression."
Beth laughed and turned to Sasha. "I guess that's my cue!"
Sasha laughed as well, rolling her eyes in mock exasperation, stuffing fruit snacks into her mouth. "You guys are so weird!"
Beth turned to Rick and shrugged. "Can't win them all!"
That evening, Beth quietly got up to use the bathroom. Afterward, as she washed her hands and looked in the mirror, still smiling from all the memories of the day, as it really had been an enjoyable day, her face fell as she took in her reflection.
Sasha's words revisited her mind, but as before, she didn't believe them.
She wasn't beautiful, as her mother had been…or Maggie…or any of her female friends in high school. She wasn't…and, though she felt embarrassed, and felt crazy…she couldn't help wishing that she was beautiful…and that she was beautiful, at least in some way, to him…
She blushed again. Remembering the photograph she had seen of The Governor's wife and Penny, on one of her very first visits, again, she felt her heart plummet.
His wife had been beautiful. Of course, Beth knew she had had a wonderful personality, for him to fall in love with her like he had… And it was so very sad the poor woman's life had ended so early…And she couldn't stop herself from feeling more great pangs of sympathy, not only even more for The Governor, but for his wife too, who had died at such a young age, and who had been so good, as well as Penny, the poor little girl having had to adjust to life without a mother at such a young age…
Feeling even more heartbroken for all three of them, she couldn't help shaking her head in sadness. It honestly was a tragedy. And one of the cruelest.
Yet…his wife had been smart…pretty…talented…interesting…everything she, Beth Greene, wasn't…his wife had been actually worthy of him…
She shook herself, then.
Why did she care so much, what she looked like to him? Why?
And then she grew angry. She was being so sick and downright childish, just then, comparing herself to a poor dead woman that hadn't deserved to die so young…what in the world was wrong with her?
Yet…as Beth stared at herself in the mirror again, her genuine anger at herself resided, and she couldn't help herself from crumbling yet again.
She just couldn't help it…she didn't understand it, but she did care about how she looked to him…she could deny it all she wanted, but somehow, she did…and she just wanted to be seen as beautiful…not only in general, but to The Governor…to just, even for one glorious day, to be Cinderella at the ball, to him…and not before it…to not have it be after midnight whenever she visited him, after the magic had long since worn off, and she was, once again, reduced to rags…
She rubbed her cheeks, hating how pale she was. Why, even poor, abused Cinderella's trademark ashes on her face would be an improvement…
Biting her lip, she simply stole one last glance at her reflection, before going back to bed.
"You can't deny it!"
Beth breathed in deep as she pulled up outside Woodbury, again feeling anxious for whatever state she might find him in…
As she got out and double-checked to make sure the supplies were still safely in the truck, her mind was not on them.
As she entered the gate and secured it behind her, as she allowed herself to imagine the possibilities, her blood ran cold and her head, oddly, was whirring.
What if he was dead…or…somehow, even worse, if possible…had been Bit?
Her stomach twisted itself into knots, and her entire being grew even colder, as she allowed herself to imagine, and think of, the worst…
And, as always, The Walker entered her vision yet again, the words even more upsetting to her already agitated mental state.
"You know why you care about him…you know why you're feeling this way, now… but as if he'd want you…"
Beth forced the offending words out as best she could, simply making herself turn her mind into a blank slate…but to no avail.
A Bite Mark, red and vicious and gruesome, adorning his chest…or maybe his neck…he'd be pale and sweating, his voice soft when she arrived…But of course he would act as though nothing was wrong… He'd never, ever tell her if God forbid he ever would be Bit…he wouldn't tell anyone…she had come to know him well enough as the weeks passed that he would not tell a soul if he ever was in pain, or needed comfort, as he did not think he deserved it…and again she felt heartbreak for him, despite her immense, crushing fear, in that moment…
The heartbreak seemed to crush her, along with so many other feelings as she thought of him…
She could still feel the gentle squeeze he'd left on her arm the week before, and she felt weak as she imagined it…
His heartbreaking expression and disbelief as she'd uttered her speech to him on their last visit…
And he did have the most beautiful smile, whenever he was happy…
And…that wonderful scent, so uniquely him…of ivory soap and…
Beth shook herself, heart stuttering yet again as she envisioned the reality of something ever really happening to him…
Why did she care so much about his well-being? Why…why was the thought of something happening to him so scary and terrifying and upsetting? Why did she feel the reality of it would crush her, if ever it happened?
She heard the voice again, gleeful and hissing.
"But you know why you do…you know why it is…You can't deny it!"
Beth took a deep breath, slowing her steps.
"You're evil just like him…twisted just like him… you really are perfect for one another…you're both monsters, and there is something wrong with you for thinking the way you do about him…caring about him…"
And then Beth shook herself. No. There was nothing wrong with him, or with her…she truly knew he was not evil…and she wasn't…and there was nothing wrong with seeing the good man he truly was, instead of what she had only thought existed, for so very long…
Beginning to walk at a normal pace again, forcing the words out of her mind as best she could, she still again felt fear as she pictured his physical condition…
Finally, she reached his door, and knocked, her heart in her throat.
Her heart still pounded. She forced herself to breathe in deep.
And…finally, it opened, and once again, he was safe and well, before her.
Her knees went weak a little in relief.
Yet…he did not smile, as he looked at her…though his expression was far from unkind. No…he simply looked shocked, as he had at the end of her speech last week, and she couldn't help from reddening just a little as she remembered her words…though she didn't regret them. Not in the slightest…
He softly spoke. "Hey," he said gently. "I'm glad you came, Beth. I was worried about you."
Again, her heart skipped one beat, and she couldn't help herself from feeling just a little weak.
Beth smiled. "H…Hi, Philip," she said, now a little shy, despite her happiness at his words, and, even more, the very real fact that he was still alive…still healthy…still…
Not dead.
Beth spoke, then. "How was your week?"
Silence, before he answered, and then he did. "Good. I hope your week was fine, too, Beth."
She nodded. "It…it was," she said, trying not to let herself fall back into despair as she remembered the night she'd cried over Shawn and her mother.
Yes…all things considered, despite the pain she'd felt that night, it had been a wondrous week, one filled with laughter and friends and happiness.
Yet…suddenly she grew self-conscious, her earlier happiness and relief disintegrating, as again, she was cruelly reminded of just how awful she no doubt looked, just then…Her hair in her ponytail had to be all frizzy now, from the heat and humidity, and she probably smelled awful…and her yellow tank top and ripped jeans, though comfortable, were far from in good condition…
Her cheeks burned in mortification, and suddenly she wanted to run away.
Beth looked down, wishing she'd at least chosen a better outfit to wear…but then she looked up again as she heard his voice.
"Well, I'm sorry. Come in. Please," he said, and she couldn't help the sudden tide of butterflies from hitting her stomach, again, as she realized just how close she would be to him, for their entire visit.
She did so, then, and she sat.
Beth watched him close the door behind them, and she couldn't help taking in his form more thoroughly.
He was wearing a red t-shirt and tan pants today, and thankfully, to her relief, the cut on his cheek from last week looked much better, though it was still healing. His hair looked slightly messy, but he still looked neat, as always.
She spoke, noticing how he still wasn't talking. A quick glance around the room revealed his bed still was unmade, which was strange.
Maybe he wasn't as fine as he said he was…
Anxiety hit her again, but she tried to ignore it.
"Philip? Are…are you alright? It seems like…like somethin's botherin' you…I…I can leave, if you don't want me…"
The Governor looked at her, then, and somehow, as before, she couldn't help the bubbly, happy feeling she got inside at his words.
"Oh god, Beth…it's not you…believe me. I'm sorry if you got the impression that I don't want…that's not the case, believe me. I…I'm sorry, I'm just kind of tired. I didn't get a lot of sleep last night…and I just woke up a little bit ago."
Beth still looked at him…he did look a little tired, it was true, but still healthy, to her further relief…
"Are…are you sure that's all?" she asked.
He didn't answer. Her stomach walls clenched in panic.
Beth tried again. "I…I get the…the feelin' that you…you're…bothered by somethin' or…"
He shook his head, sitting down. The Governor looked down at the brown wood of the table, resting his elbows on it.
And finally, he looked at her. His voice was still quite soft, as he spoke, but she was so transfixed and shocked by his words everything else seemed to fade far away.
"Well…if you want the truth…I…I just wanted to…to say this, Beth. I…I haven't been able to get what you said to me last week out of my mind, and I…I still don't believe any of it, but…I…I don't know…I just feel…I still feel…I'll always feel guilty around you, and I…I just can't believe you really think all of that about me…and I…just…thank you, Beth. Really. You don't know…how much it meant to hear all of that, though I know full well I'll never believe it."
Sorrow flooded her again, and Beth couldn't help speaking again.
"Hey…you…you don't need to feel guilty around me…you don't. I…I meant what I said…I do honestly forgive you. Truly."
He nodded a little, looking down again. "I still don't deserve your forgiveness, Beth. I really don't."
Her heart broke a little bit for him, watching him. And, suddenly, Beth found herself getting up, and walking around the table towards him. Her heart pounded at their close proximity, though she tried to ignore it.
The Governor honestly looked even more shocked, and timidly, she put a hand on his right arm. It was delightfully warm…
"Hey," she said softly and soothingly. "Philip…yes you do. And you…you gotta stop thinkin' the worst about yourself all of the time…it truly is the saddest thing. You…you are a good man…I really do think so. And I know…I know it probably sounds crazy, and insane, and miraculous…. especially to you…but I…I do honestly forgive you for absolutely everythin' you did…I…I know, now, that the man who did all those things wasn't the real you. And…I…I know I said it last week, but I'll say it again…you do deserve forgiveness, and to be alive. You…you do."
The minutes ticked away, and then Beth realized her hand was still on his arm. She could feel the blush hitting her face again, and removed it.
The Governor was still staring at her, his shock even plainer to see, and then he spoke again.
"You truly do amaze me, Beth. Th…thank you."
Again, her stomach flipped, but she made herself smile, before going to sit back down.
"Don't mention it." Her words hung in the air, bringing back memories of their parting last week…and again, she felt his warm hand on her arm…
Beth simply looked down, then, averting her eyes, focusing on her worn tennis shoe. But, then, she heard him talk again.
The Governor got up, and said, "I'm sorry…I didn't get you anythin' Beth…did you want anythin' to eat or drink?"
Beth smiled a little, both in amusement, and at the fact that he seemed to be back to normal, again.
"No…it's alright. Really…you don't have to get me anythin'…."
But he still came back with a bottle of water anyway.
He handed it to her, and she smiled. Thankfully, he smiled a little, too, before going to sit back down again.
Her heart jumped at the sight, though she tried to ignore it as best she could.
And then he spoke again. His gentle smile grew, and he laughed. "God…I don't know why in the hell I wasn't able to fall asleep last night…I really am sorry if I say somethin' stupid…I don't mean it, really."
Beth smiled, and couldn't help laughing herself. "It's alright, Philip…I understand. I…I can leave, if you want to go to sleep…"
And again, as before, she felt her stomach flip at his words.
He grew serious, and shook his head. "Oh, no, Beth…it's fine…I'd much rather talk to you."
Beth felt her face grow hot yet again as always, yet she couldn't help smiling, feeling even more touched.
She looked down, concentrating on opening her bottle. "Thank you," she said.
Beth looked up again at him, and he spoke again.
"No…thank you for comin' all the time," he said softly. "I…like I said, I'll never understand why you would want to spend time with me, of all people…but I truly am grateful for it, Beth."
The sweetness of his words almost made her melt, but thankfully she was able to regain her composure rather quickly. And, thankfully, he seemed to notice nothing.
So Beth cleared her throat and spoke, knowing it would distract her.
"So…you said your week was good. I hope you've been feelin' fine, despite bein' tired," she said.
The Governor shook his head. "I have been…but I hope you've been feelin' fine, too."
Beth nodded. "I…I have been. Th…thank you," she said, despite feeling sorrow yet again as she thought of Shawn and her mother.
Yet, she shook it off.
He spoke again. "It sure has been cold at night," he said. "It's truly ridiculous…it's so warm durin' the day and like winter when the sun goes down."
Beth nodded her agreement. "It really is awful," she said. "I can't stand it sometimes."
The Governor spoke again. "Do you have enough blankets and everythin'? I'll gladly give you some extra ones if you need more."
And she couldn't help laughing a little, feeling even more touched. "I…I'm fine. Truly, Philip, but thank you."
Looking at the fireplace and gesturing, she said, joking, "But I wouldn't say no to one of those! Does it still work?"
He smiled. "I'm sure I could get it to if I really fiddled with it one night. I know…sometimes I want it to work, too."
Beth nodded.
"But of course, I thank my lucky stars every night I still got the toilet to work flawlessly, and the shower especially, so I really can't complain…believe me, you would not want to come here if I didn't at least have that."
And, again, she couldn't help imagining him in the shower…undressing…and Beth couldn't stop herself from blushing a little, though she smiled.
"Oh…I still would," she said, her smile growing. "Honestly, you should smell the inside of the prison sometimes…even Walkers would smell better in comparison."
The Governor laughed a little. "I still don't think you would, but that's very kind."
Beth couldn't help from laughing herself. "So…aside from bein' tired, you're ok? Did your runs go alright? I hope they did."
He nodded, leaning back a little. "Yes, they did. I hope yours have been goin' alright, too. I hope you haven't run into any trouble."
Beth nodded. "Honestly, I've been rather lucky…it's nice."
The Governor spoke again, scooting in a little more, and, across the table, she could again, smell that wonderful ivory scent, belonging solely to him…
She shook herself.
"I meant what I said, though…I could just give you supplies of my own. I don't mind. And I know I've said that, before, but…"
But Beth shook her head, though she was undeniably touched.
"Th…thank you, very much, Philip…but…honestly, I like doin' it all myself and earnin' them myself…it…it makes me feel useful. And I…it makes me feel like I'm actually doin' somethin' worthwhile, for once."
She looked at him again, and he was simply staring at her, wordlessly. He shook his head a little.
"Beth…I'll say it again. Whatever you may think about yourself, which isn't true, by the way, you aren't useless or weak. And your family knows that, too…believe me."
She couldn't help more color from flushing her cheeks at his words, nor, too, the jolt of happiness she got inside at his words…
And she also couldn't help from feeling touched, yet again…and she almost, almost, allowed herself to believe his words.
She shook her head a little, looking down, though she smiled. "Th…thank you very much, but…I still don't feel like I'm useful. Well…really…at least in Maggie's eyes," she said.
"She…she'll always view me as a useless little girl…I know that much. But…thank you," she said, looking at him again, smile growing.
Yet The Governor slowly shook his head again, once again speaking softly.
"She doesn't think that…I'm sure of it."
Beth shrugged, though she was still smiling. "Then I guess we'll have to agree to disagree on that one," she said. "But thank you."
He nodded.
He spoke again. "Have you been eatin' fine? If you need or want any extra food, let me know, too."
Beth shook her head. "Thank you, but I'm fine. We have plenty of food…I just hope you have enough."
The Governor smiled a little. "Yep…all the nastiest tastin' food I'm lucky enough to find…it's fantastic," he said.
She laughed.
"Well…I'm bein' too harsh…not everythin' I find is terrible…most of it is really good, surprisingly…but I think the worst thing is findin' somethin' that looks good, only to have it be too stale."
Beth nodded. "Yeah…I really wish food lasted forever," she said.
"You and me both. Well, at least it's better than not havin' any food at all."
A comfortable silence fell, again, and Beth took a drink of water. And, she couldn't help noticing the contrast to her demeanor now compared to their earliest meetings…she was not afraid anymore. Or uncomfortable…
Oddly, the change did not bother her, though she knew it would have early on.
She looked up, then, still only wanting to learn more about him, and his life. It really was quite easy talking to him…very easy if she was being honest…and so very, very interesting…
Beth said, "I…I hope I'm not bein' rude, but I wouldn't mind learnin' even more about your life before this…everythin' you've told me before has been very interestin' and I truly mean that."
Inwardly she cringed, knowing just how awful that sounded…but thankfully, he didn't seem bothered, or offended by her words.
The Governor only shrugged a little. "Honestly I'm not very interestin' at all, but thank you, Beth. All the things you've told me about you actually are interestin' to hear about. But I'll tell you more, if you want me to."
She couldn't help but smile, though she still felt a little guilty.
"Oh, you don't have to, Philip…not if you don't want to…"
But he only shook his head. "It's fine. But I wouldn't do this for just anyone, I'll have you know."
He smiled, letting her know he was only joking, and she couldn't help smiling back.
"Well…I told you I broke my arm twice…so I'll tell you how it happened both times. They're actually pretty entertainin' stories…at least the first one is…but of course it wasn't fun for me, but I think that goes without sayin,' honestly."
Beth smiled again. "Oh goodness…now I'm almost scared."
He grinned a little. "Ok…well…the first time, I was campin' with my buddies up in the woods the summer before our senior year of college. We were all kind of bein' dumbasses, really…but it was just us. And I was actually really excited to go, because, since we were all weirdos, especially me, we'd chosen to go to a place up in Fairburn that's supposed to be haunted…Peter's Woods. Our campsite was at another camp but we drove down there one night just to spend the whole night there and just walk around, see if we encountered anythin'. That place is huge."
Beth smiled.
"Oh gosh I've heard all about that place…Shawn always wanted to get me to go there with his friends and him…but I was always too scared. You were never scared goin' there?"
The Governor smiled again. "Honestly, I've told you how I'm just a morbid person…ever since I was little I've always just liked Halloween and scary movies and books and all of that…heck, every time I went to the library I'd just check out tons of ghost story books when I was in elementary school. My mother always was very concerned about it," he said, smiling affectionately as he remembered.
"But they never scared me…I just always found them very entertainin' and fascinatin'…they were a lot better than all of those borin' books they made us read in school, after all," he said, smiling at her, and Beth couldn't help smiling again.
"And besides, what we did that one night is nothin'…my buddies and I would always go to supposedly haunted places and check them out once the sun went down on weekends or when we didn't have school…we all had no lives, I tell you," he said.
"Everyone else went to Florida for spring break, we went ghost huntin'…we really did have no lives. Especially me."
Beth's smile grew. "Oh, I know that's not true," she said.
The Governor grinned a little. "Heck, this one weekend, we stayed in an abandoned insane asylum…but that's a story for another time."
Her interest piqued, she said, "Oh…alright. Well, anyway…how did you break your arm?"
He laughed a little, leaning back. "Oh, god…well…I drove us down there. There was eight of us. And we waited until like eleven or so…anyway, in addition to the woods, there's a huge cemetery smack dab in the middle. And like I said, it's rumored to be very haunted…so anyway, we all have our flashlights and things. We'd gotten fast food before goin' there, so we were just finishin' while we waited. Eleven hits, and we're all walkin' into the woods. We're lookin' around, and time passes. It was kinda windy, though, but other than that, it was normal as could be. Cold…but normal."
The Governor's smile grew. "Alright, I'm hearin' myself and I know how borin' this sounds right now, so I'll just get to the good part."
Beth couldn't help laughing. "No! It's fine…really. I'm not bored," she said.
"So we'd been walkin' for awhile and I'd say it'd been about an hour…well, it started pourin' buckets, unexpectedly, so we decided to go back. We were all runnin' and we came back through the cemetery, and I ended up trippin' and crackin' my arm right on some poor deceased person's gravestone…I can still hear the crunch," he said, shaking his head, though he smiled.
"Damn did that hurt…well…long story short, that's how. And we went to the hospital and I couldn't use my right arm for eight weeks. That was fun."
Beth laughed again, though still feeling sympathy for him. "Oh, that's terrible! I hope it didn't hurt you too bad."
He shook his head, smiling. "Well it did, but it could have been worse…but I never heard the end of that. They always said it was surprisin' I didn't break the grave, it was so old. And I couldn't stop laughin' because they'd always make fun of just how loudly I swore when it happened, too. And I did…believe me. But it's alright…one of our other buddies literally shit his pants when we went to this other supposedly haunted place, so we never let him hear the end of that."
Beth shook her head, smiling. "My goodness."
"We really were just assholes to each other but we all loved each other. I think," he said, gently smiling again, and she couldn't help laughing at his joke.
"Well…did you see anythin'?" she asked.
The Governor shook his head. "No…we ended up goin' back another night after I healed and stayed the whole night…didn't see anythin…' but we did hear things and see little things at least at other places. I don't know…I just never got scared. I've always been fascinated by the paranormal. Heck, sometimes when I had nothin' to do and nobody was free I'd go to places by myself. It always was fun to me. Lame as that sounds," he said, still smiling.
Beth nodded. "That's not lame…that's actually very interestin'…I mean, not that I'd do any of that…I'd truthfully be too terrified…but that is very interestin' to learn about you."
The Governor shook his head. "You know you don't have to lie, Beth," he said, gently grinning.
"I can take the truth."
Beth shook her head, smiling herself. "I'm not! Honestly," she said.
He laughed a little, and then said, "Well…the second time isn't nearly as special. We were all drinkin' and one of our buddies had a trampoline and I did a flip…I landed it, but then I fell off and broke the same arm again. Lucky me."
She laughed. "Well…at least you didn't break anythin' else," she said, and he nodded.
"That's true."
Beth said, "I've never broken a bone before…I guess I'm just lucky that way."
The Governor smiled at her. "Trust me…it is not fun, Beth."
She said, "I know when I volunteered at the hospital people would always ask me to sign their casts…I always thought it was weird, considerin' I didn't know any of them. Not that I didn't feel touched…but some of them were just so nice I couldn't say no."
The Governor said, "That doesn't surprise me in the least, Beth."
She couldn't help smiling a little, shyly, and looked down again. She took another sip of water, concentrating on the taste, knowing it would distract her.
"But honestly? The worst part both times was the itchin'…it was like agony. I can't tell you how many times I just wanted to rip the cast off."
Beth smiled. "I can only imagine. I know this one time I sprained my ankle after figure skatin' one time, but it healed relatively quickly. But gosh did that hurt too."
"What about you…any excitin' stories to tell? I'm sure there're many," he said, smiling at her.
Beth laughed a little, blushing. "I'm not a very interestin' person…believe me."
His answer gave her pause. "Well, I think you are," he said, looking at her.
Her cheeks got a little hotter, as his blue gaze held hers. No…he wasn't joking or smiling…he honestly was serious.
"I really do, Beth."
Her blush grew, and somehow, her stomach swirled. But she laughed.
"Well…thank you…but alright. I know this one time, Shawn came and woke me up one night and he was scared as could be. It was late, and he told me to not wake Daddy or Mama, so I knew it was serious. And I couldn't figure out what was wrong, but he just told me to get dressed and come with him. So I did," she said, laughing again at the memory.
"So we went outside, and we got in his car and just drove. I was just scared, so I just asked him to tell me what was wrong. And, he wouldn't. So we just stayed out for like two hours."
She couldn't help shaking her head. "Well, I found out the next mornin' that the whole reason he was so scared was because he and his friends had toilet-papered this old man's house…he was really cranky, and he went to our church. He wasn't nice to talk to, but he left you alone if you left him alone. But the thing was, he'd come out with a shotgun and threatened to shoot all of them…so that's why he was so scared. And at eighteen, too! I thought maybe he'd killed someone," she said.
Looking at him again, she said, "But, see? That really was a rather dumb and pointless story, now that I think about it, so I just proved my point."
But he shook his head, grinning. "No…that was interestin' to hear, at least I think so."
Beth shrugged, cheeks flaming again. "Well, I'm not, but that's nice to hear anyway."
Looking at him again, she said, "I always wanted to be a nurse, though, if this world would still have been normal. That would have been a great job for me, and very rewardin' to do for a career. I've always liked helpin' people."
The Governor nodded. "I could see you as a nurse…you certainly are excellent at treatin' wounds," he said, holding up his hand, and she was reminded of how she had bandaged his hand at their very first meeting.
She smiled. "Thank you, but I really don't think so."
He smiled gently. "You really need to have more confidence in yourself, Beth. Really."
She felt her cheeks grow hot once again and she couldn't help smiling again.
"Honestly, thank you very much, but I guess I'm just used to Maggie always treatin' me like a child. But thank you again…it really means a lot to hear."
"Well you shouldn't let her get to you…you're not a child, Beth. At least…at least I don't think so," he said softly, and somehow the way he said the last words made her heart stutter again.
Was she imagining the small, almost imperceptible crack in his voice? Or the small…almost change in it?
She thought, and then shook herself. Of course she was, and, looking at him, he did not look affected or anything of the sort…so she knew she was not only crazy, but likely delusional…
Yet Beth said, just as softly, "Well thank you, Philip. Very much. That…that really means a lot."
He nodded. "Well I'm glad," he said.
Beth took another drink and then spoke again.
"So…I was surprised. It turns out on one of the last group runs, they got a ton of makeup! I couldn't believe it. I can't wait to try it all out," she said.
He laughed. "Well I hope you enjoy that, Beth."
"Have you ever got lucky and found some good stuff like that? I hope so."
The Governor shook his head. "No…sadly, alcohol and Stephen King novels continue to elude me. I got some more coffee though…so that's good."
Beth laughed, remembering how he liked black coffee. "Well…even though it's disgustin' as can be, I hope you enjoy that, too, Philip," she said.
He smiled a little in reply. "I will."
And then he spoke again. "Actually, god…Penny always used to love bein' a princess for Halloween every year…it was the cutest thing. And I got pretty good at applyin' makeup for her, too, if she needed me to. But see, there I go again…I'm damagin' my masculinity," he said.
She laughed. "That's adorable. I'm sure she was just the cutest little thing. But hey…it'd only damage your masculinity if you wore makeup, too."
He leaned his head back, laughing. "She was, believe me. And God…actually she'd always want me to wear makeup and put it on me, and I'd just have to explain to her that Daddy was a guy and didn't like that stuff. She never seemed to understand. She'd just get so sad. And I just always felt so terrible and guilty, so I compromised and let her put bows in my hair sometimes. And…hell…sometimes I'd relent and let her. I always washed it off right away, though. I don't know how you women can wear that stuff."
Beth couldn't help her smile from growing, imagining the sweetness of it. "That's sweet. Truly."
She said, "Gosh, I remember my friends and I would always do makeovers at sleepovers…and me and Maggie and my Mama would always do them, too."
More sorrow touched her, as she remembered her mother, and Shawn, but she pushed it down. No…not now…
But he seemed to notice. "Hey, you alright?"
Beth made herself smile. "Yeah…yeah. I am…don't worry about me."
Yet he didn't seem convinced, and she made her smile even wider.
"Hey, Beth…if somethin's botherin' you, you can talk about it. I know…I know how painful it is to lose people you love," he said.
Even more sympathy for him hit her. But she made herself smile again.
"Thank you, so much, but I…I'm fine. Really. But thank you. And I…I do know you know. I know I've said it before, but I…I am very sorry for your losses, as well, Philip. Truly."
Yes…somehow, in that moment, she did feel ok. True, the sorrow would probably hit her late again at night, when she was alone, but somehow, she did feel fine, there, with him…She truly, truly did.
He simply looked at her. "Alright…and thank you again, Beth."
Beth nodded. "Don't mention it."
Changing the subject, she said, "I do miss bakin' a lot, though…I always used to like it whenever it was rainin' on Sundays and there was nothin' to do. Did you ever cook?"
The Governor nodded. "Yeah…if I have to admit it, I always was a pretty decent cook…not that it was my favorite thing to do on days I felt lazy. So I'd usually just order food," he said. "Especially when I lived on my own."
Beth laughed a little. "Well nothin' wrong with that."
He smiled. "I guess not…I mean it's not like I never worked out. I've actually always been slender naturally…which honestly surprises me, considerin' all of the crap and junk food I've willingly put into my body my whole life. Brian was always kind of chubby though, at least when we were kids. He used to get teased when we were in elementary school, so let's just say I had some words with the kids who were doin' it."
Beth smiled. "That's sweet."
The Governor laughed. "One time he said it should have been him defendin' me from bullies, considerin' he was two years older than me…but I didn't mind. But once we hit high school, he got slim finally, and became quite the lady's man."
Silence again, and then he spoke, his sorrow clear. "I still remember the day he died. I got the call at school…I raced home and I almost didn't believe it. I was eighteen…I don't know. I was just always convinced I'd always have him."
Her heart broke a little more for him. "I'm so sorry, Philip. Believe me…I…I know what's it like to lose a brother."
Beth's voice grew soft at the end, as she was once again plunged into sorrow, and now he seemed stricken.
"Yes…you do. I'm very sorry for you, Beth…I shouldn't have brought him up…"
But she shook her head. "No…no. It's fine. Believe me."
She said, "Go on, if you want to talk more. It doesn't bother me. Honest."
The Governor seemed to pause, and then he tousled his hair a little.
"I remember his funeral so well…it was a hot summer day and I just needed to get out of the house afterward. My daddy was bein' extra unbearable, and I just couldn't take it. So I went back to his grave and just sat, the whole night. Cried my eyes out. And I was just so mad I wanted to just punch somethin' so I ended up punchin' a tree. It didn't make me feel better, but it was somethin' to do."
As she pictured it, she again felt her heart twist in pain and unimaginable sympathy for him.
"Just…twenty was too young of an age for him to die at. And I just remember thinkin' why he couldn't be saved, especially since it was from somethin' as treatable as an asthma attack…it just pissed me off. And I know this will sound really awful, but…honestly, I remember wishin' it had been my daddy who'd died, instead of him. It honestly would have been a blessin,'" he said softly.
Beth shook her head, her voice gentle. "No…that's very understandable. Truly."
"My mother took it hard, too…but my daddy didn't seem to care. Not that that honestly surprised me."
Her brows furrowed in further sympathy.
He shook his head, then. "Well…it comforted me knowin' that at least he was in a better place. And at least…at least he isn't here to see the hell this world has become."
Beth nodded. "Well he is in a better place. Believe me."
He smiled a little. "You really are hard to not believe, Beth."
She couldn't help smiling a little as well, feeling her heart skip yet again as his gaze held hers.
He cleared his throat, then, changing the subject once more.
"But god…you'd have been horrified at my eatin' habits, especially when I lived on my own after college," he said, laughing.
"I mean…I still ate healthy foods, but honestly one time I put nacho cheese on pizza and ate it. And I'd just eat ice cream right from the container and put peanut butter in with it sometimes with chocolate sauce…come to think of it I was pretty gross," he said.
Beth smiled gently. "So you were a young typical male who had unhealthy eatin' habits…that's really not surprisin' at all," she gently teased.
His smile grew. "Yeah…but then again, most of my buddies were even worse than me, so I feel better thinkin' about it," he said.
Beth said, "Oh…fine. I'll confess. This one time, I ate the entire pan of peanut butter cookies I made in one night. The entire pan…I felt so guilty."
She laughed. "That was a low point in my life, I assure you."
His smile grew. "Well you sure don't look like it."
Beth blushed a little, looking down. "Yeah…I've always been slender, too. But that doesn't mean I'll turn down good food if there is any!"
The Governor said, "Well, I like that. So many women don't want to eat because they think they'll get fat…it's honestly ridiculous. It's refreshin."
Beth nodded. "Well what can I say…we are our own toughest critics," she said.
He laughed again.
"I'll never understand why."
She smiled again, taking another drink of water, and his response, again, made her smile grow even wider.
"But honestly, it really is disgustin'…I probably ate enough Chinese food and pizza and burgers and chicken and French fries and crap to feed a small village in Africa. I was awful. My mother would always call me and check how I was doin' and I'd just lie sayin' I was eatin' only my fruits and vegetables," he said.
"I didn't have the heart to tell her the truth…and then whenever I'd pick her up to come and visit me I'd just hide the evidence."
Beth laughed a little.
"But really, I'll never understand that…one of our buddies almost never ate out and he was kind of overweight, but here I ate out all the time and I was always super skinny and never gained weight…my mother always thought I was too thin. She'd always cook me stuff or send me stuff in the mail, sayin' I had to eat more…I guess I'm just lucky."
She smiled. "Well that's good."
He smiled again. "Yet another thing about the world I will never understand."
Beth smiled, too.
A comfortable silence hit again, and, looking out the window, she could tell it was sunset.
The sight, oddly, made her stomach plummet in disappointment, though she shook it off as best she could.
He noticed, too, and said, "I'll walk you out."
And so they began their usual trek to the gate, and the warm wind was blowing gently.
Upon reaching it, he opened it, but then paused again.
"Beth? I…" He seemed hesitant to speak, at first, but soon continued anyway.
"I…really. I…just…thank you again, for everythin' you said last week…so much. It…it really did mean the world to me," he said softly.
The Governor gently touched her arm again, and Beth felt her knees grow a little weak.
But he pulled back, and she only shook her head, trying to make herself clear her mind.
"You don't need to thank me, Philip. I meant every single word of what I said," she said.
Yet he shook his own head. "No…No. I do need to thank you…believe me. But…thank you again, truly, and I hope you have a safe trip back, and a wonderful week. And…I hope if anythin's botherin' you, you'll feel better soon, Beth."
His gaze held hers, and quite honestly, the sweetness of his words could have made her eyes water.
He truly was so kind…and not a monster at all. And, even more, she felt her decision to forgive him had been right. It truly did feel right…
Beth smiled. "I…I will. But…thank you, Philip, and I…the same goes for you. I hope you get some sleep," she said.
He grinned a little. "I plan on it," he said, nodding.
Yet as she continued to watch him, her smile fell, just a little, and she grew serious…and his smile gradually fell, too, the look in his blue eye never changing as he looked at her…but she shook it off, still feeling her heart pounding.
She made herself smile again, hoping that at least it didn't look too artificial…and then he simply nodded once again.
"Have a wonderful week, Beth," he said softly, and she nodded as well.
"You too, Philip," she said softly, and he lifted a hand in gentle farewell, before closing the gate behind her.
Beth still stood there, though, almost unable to move…but then shook herself.
And, the entire ride home, as she got in the truck and ran their visit through her mind, her heart shattered even more for him…
He truly was a good man, despite it all. He truly was kind, and not anything of what she had always thought…and her heart hurt even more as she was reminded that nobody else would ever believe that of him.
No…everyone else at the prison would only ever see him as a monster…a man without a heart… He would only ever be a monster, to them…would only ever be a beast, never worthy of a happy ending and the curse placed upon him finally being lifted…And, he would only ever be an evil, depraved man to all the others, forever defined by the monster he had once been, monstrous sins he had once committed, which he regretted utterly, and tried every single moment to run from, and not the man he truly was inside…
As she pictured him, again, his expression as he'd talked about his brother hit her again, and she grew even sadder for him.
Even if everyone else in the world judged him, she would not. And it never was lost on her, the horrendousness of his actions…no…never…but it was clear to her, now, that he truly had not meant them, and had never meant to do them…clear even more so that he truly had lost his mind, after Penny. And she knew she would not stop seeing the good in him, even if that made her insane, too.
Yet...she still heard the voice again, gleeful and biting.
"You can't deny it!"
That evening it was still bitterly cold, and she shivered as she laid on her cot, holding the blankets to her, just trying to get warm.
She hoped he was warm, at least, all of those lonely miles away…
And…though it was foolish, and made her blush, she simply allowed herself, even for one foolish moment, to imagine just how warm he would be, just then…just how warm his bare chest would be, his arms holding her gently to him…
"You can't deny it!"
But she shook the familiar words off, and soon drifted into sleep.
Her hair was down, freed from its usual ponytail, and she was in front of him…She was smiling, so widely, and she could feel herself blushing, but she was so stupidly happy she didn't care…
The Governor gently smiled at her, and then he kissed her, making her entire being float with happiness…
Yet…gradually…the happy scene darkened. And though she recognized herself, and him, they were not like themselves at all anymore, as they had been just a few moments ago…
Now the two of them were both covered in crimson blood, their clothes almost soaked through.
She was wearing all black, to match him, and she was smirking, a most evil expression on her face…
Was that really her?
He too was smirking, dark admiration and lust in his eye as he looked at her.
He came close to her and gently moved a strand of her long blonde hair out of her face…his eye darkening as he did so, and she couldn't help her smirk from growing, her chest panting.
He brushed her cheek with his thumb, his own smirk returning. And, if possible, the blue in his eye could have been burning red, at that moment.
"You're comin' along very well, Beth darlin'"
Her blue eyes flashed as he caressed her cheek, and her smirk grew. Honestly, her eyes too were almost red…
"That's because I have the best teacher. But I'm sure there are other things you can teach me, Philip, that I have yet to master. Show me."
She stepped back, then, and removed her black short-sleeve shirt, knowing full well she was braless. Her smirk grew as she saw just how affected he was, by her…
Roughly, then, he grabbed her and pulled her flush against him…she let out an appreciative mewl as he kissed her, and then, they broke apart. She pulled on his coat buttons, and he finally took the offensive long black garment off and threw it to the ground.
Her eyes suddenly all at once turned red, to match his one.
And one word came to mind: demonic.
She came forward and pulled at his shirt, and that, too, soon went away. She crooned in appreciation and raked her bare nails down his chest. He kissed her again, almost sweetly this time…and it made her even crazier with want for him…but she was smirking in her head. They didn't do gentle…
So after they broke apart she pressed herself against his crotch, rubbing for a few moments. She could feel just how hard his cock was for her in his pants, and couldn't help moaning appreciatively in pleasure at the jolts it sent through her lower half.
He moaned, too, and then roughly grabbed her again and kissed her, passion and intensity building…and then her smirk grew even more wide as he finally picked her up, then, and carried her to the dark forest edge, feeling herself growing even more aroused…Would it be a tree deep in the forest he'd take her against, the thrill of the threat of Biters around them as they ravished each other too exhilarating to pass up, or would it simply be a dead pile of leaves on the cold hard ground near the forest edge where they already were, as the cold night wind continued to whip around them and they were oblivious to anything but each other?
Neither of them bothered to look back, supremely unbothered by the innocent people that had asked the two of them for help earlier that evening they had just slaughtered together, their lifeless eyes unseeing, the fear on all of their faces still palpable.
She woke then, with a start, and the words hit her again.
"You're evil just like him…twisted just like him… you really are perfect for one another…you're both monsters…"
Yet she shook herself. No. No. No. No.
She was not evil. Nor was he…she knew that with all her heart. And that nightmare…whatever that had been…could not have been any further from the truth.
Her heart feeling a little lighter at the fact that, for once, her paranoia and anxiety had not gotten the best of her concerning herself and him, Beth finally allowed herself to smile, before drifting off into a dreamless sleep.