Thank you again for all of my lovely reviewers/followers and people who have favorited this...it truly means a lot! :)
ALSO...I know you all are likely thoroughly bored of my awful conversations, but not to spoil...these two are headed for a major breakthrough coming up. I promise! ;) They are slowly but surely headed for major progress!
And I would also like to say that not every single chapter will be as long as these all are; this story is going to be VERY long and intense and these conversation chapters are super long for a reason...to set a foundation :) I am naturally a long-winded writer though so most chapters will be longer, but I know it must be annoying reading pages upon pages of the same boring stuff every single time I upload.
AND finally...I am thinking of doing a Deleted Scenes type story for my three Beth/Philip oneshots I wrote...they would all be random updates but there are many scenes I wish I had been able to keep in for length (Many scenes I cut out in my Moonlight Visits oneshot; their actual wedding ceremony in my Alexandria one instead of right after, and many more!) and I just love these two so much so I am thinking of starting this. I probably will, but let me know if that would interest anyone or if that is a stupid idea!
I hope everyone is having a great summer so far! :)
Beth softly sang to Judith, gently jostling her, as she stood in the doorway of her cell, having just given Judith her bottle.
The sky was gray outdoors, and the air was crackling with an intense humidity that she knew would absolutely refuse to give way until the inevitable storm finally hit later that evening.
Beth smiled at Judith, who was adorably and enthusiastically babbling as she sang to her, but eventually, she let her gaze shift elsewhere, and as always, an all-too familiar feeling consumed Beth, and before long, she was a million miles away.
Soon even the sound of her own voice was drowned out, she was so lost in her thoughts, and her smile had faded, replaced with an overwhelmingly sad, lost, and worried expression.
Philip's face flashed before her, and more horrible images of his bandaged, injured hand danced before her eyes.
Beth numbly felt herself gently tighten her hold on Judith as she sang, the feel of the baby she loved so much warm and comforting, and she could feel her brows furrowing again in worry.
Ever since their last meeting the previous week, she found her thoughts pulled even more strongly towards him, and she couldn't deny she was even more anxious for this week's visit, so she could gain confirmation that he hadn't hurt himself further…that he wasn't hurt…that he was alive and well…and that maybe he wasn't hurting so badly inside and so filled with pain and heartbreak and self-loathing this week that he hadn't felt the need to hurt himself because he felt he deserved it…
Even now, imagining what he could further do to himself (and, horribly, possibly would further do to himself) made her heart twist and her stomach positively dip as though she'd fallen a thousand feet, and, quite honestly, she felt almost faint with worry.
She felt her heart crack again as she pictured the likely reality of him, sad and alone and desolate at night, possibly crying, as he thought of Penny…and then the completely awful and heartbreaking and terrifying image of him taking his heartbreak and self-hatred out on himself as he thought simultaneously of her and all the horrible things he had done, the glass angry and unforgiving as he…
Now her heart positively broke in two for him, and she couldn't allow herself to finish her thoughts, for they scared her far too much…She couldn't allow herself to picture his self-torture, and again, the anxiety in her stomach rose to near-crippling levels.
Beth bit her lip, and as she thought of him, again, she could not stop herself from completely dissolving with worry inside.
Was there truly something wrong with her for just how badly she hurt for him?
And was there truly something wrong with her for just how badly she only wanted to make him smile, and be happy, and possibly find peace with himself, and with life once again, after all he had done?
As before, Beth could not conjure an answer. She wanted to think there wasn't, but as always, imagining just how everyone at the prison would look at her with disgust and hatred made her insides constrict and made her shrivel up inside.
Thinking again of Philip, and how beautiful it had been when he'd actually, genuinely smiled at her last week, involuntarily, her stomach flipped, and her heart skipped…She could still feel his warm hand in hers, and again her heart skipped as her cheeks bloomed, feeling herself blushing violently…
Beth bit her lip even harder. No…she honestly didn't want to think there was anything wrong with her, but she had never been the most confident girl alive, and all her insecurities were doubled now as she only imagined every one she loved at the prison discovering the truth of how she felt about him…
She was distracted by a fist pulling on her mother's necklace, and couldn't help starting in both shock and guilt as she'd realized she'd stopped singing a long time ago, and had been thoroughly neglecting Judith, though certainly not intentionally, of course.
Gently kissing her cheek, she softly said, "Oh, sweetheart…I'm so sorry!"
Beth felt unbelievable guilt, and was just about to start singing again, when suddenly, she couldn't help laughing a little as Judith attempted to put her mother's necklace in her mouth.
Gently removing the heart from the path to Judith's mouth, she said, "Oh, you silly girl! You can't eat this! You'll have to wait for dinner, honey."
Her smile only grew at Judith's toothless smile, and she said, "Come on…let's go outside. It's very nice and warm today, even if it is cloudy."
And, as she gathered up a blanket and Judith's toys, putting them into a little bag, again, Beth felt her smile fall as she only pictured Philip.
She momentarily paused, the storybook she was planning to read to Judith threatening to fall from her hands.
But then she shook herself.
He would be all right when she saw him this week…he would be…
She repeated the mantra to herself, hoping with everything she had that it would be true.
Slinging the purple bag over her shoulder, she picked up Judith once again and kissed her cheek absentmindedly, holding her protectively.
"Come on, sweetheart."
Beth softly smiled as Judith smiled and played with the small flower Beth had given her, though she knew her eyes still betrayed the same tense worry that she felt her entire body was rigid with.
Beth breathed in deep as another blast of warm air hit, blowing the sleeves of her navy-blue t-shirt back.
The prison was unusually quiet today, Rick and the majority of others gone on a major supply run, and honestly, despite her worry, as Maggie was a part of it, Beth was almost grateful for it.
She honestly felt less diseased and branded at the reality that nobody could look at her today and know just the man she was thinking about, to be honest. Though she did know it would be impossible for anyone to know she was thinking about Philip, her paranoia that someone ever would find out never seemed to leave her.
Looking up at the darkening gray sky, she could only hope everyone would be back soon. The foreboding for just how terrible this thunderstorm would be tonight was more than visible.
Though Beth couldn't help brightening and softly smiling at the welcome sight of Patrick sheepishly coming towards her.
The memory of the day she had broken his heart on the day he'd confessed he loved her also never left her, and it left her feeling a sharp, stinging pain of remorse and guilt whenever she looked at him, and whenever she looked at Zach.
Beth couldn't help her smile from falling at the memory, and the intense guilt and heartbreak she felt for having hurt Patrick as he approached her, but she was encouraged to see that he was at least smiling, though she did sadly note that he was blushing.
Beth hated herself thoroughly for having hurt Patrick so badly with her gentle rejection, and for having hurt Zach, and particularly because Patrick truly was such a wonderful new-found friend that she loved so much, and so sweet. But as before, as she focused on his smile, her heart warmed, and she was grateful at least that he seemed happy today. Or as happy as he could possibly be ever since that day, and though he still obviously had very strong feelings for her, if she could make him happy by simply spending time with him, she would do it, even if she hadn't considered him a friend as she did.
Quite honestly, she knew she'd do anything to see Patrick smile every day, Beth felt so unbearably guilty.
Soon, he reached them, and slowly sank down, though a little awkwardly, as another breeze blew his hair back, and ruffled his own gray t-shirt.
"Hi, Beth," he said, smiling a little as he adjusted his glasses. "How's it going?"
Beth genuinely smiled, his presence a welcome distraction from all of her worry about Philip, and everyone gone on the run, and gently squeezed his arm.
He reddened, but cleared his throat, and she said, "I'm pretty well, Patrick. How have you been? I feel like it's been forever since we last hung out like this."
Then she hated herself as she realized the last time they had hung out one on one had been on the day he'd confessed his feelings for her, and now she knew her eyes only betrayed her worry and remorse for her slip of the tongue.
He noticed, and softly smiled. "Oh, Beth…I'm fine. Really. You're fine. Believe me."
Beth only gently said, "I…I really do hope so…I…gosh…I'm still so sorry, Patrick…I really, really hope you are doing all right…it never was my intention to hurt you…"
Thankfully, Patrick laughed a little.
"Gosh, Beth…you're so nice…but really. I'm fine. We are still friends, and you weren't mean at all with telling me how you felt…believe me. I've been rejected by other girls before in very mean, cruel ways…your way wasn't."
Beth's heart effectively broke for Patrick even further, and she said, "Oh…I'm so glad, Patrick…and believe me…all of those girls didn't deserve you. Believe that."
He reddened again, but smiled at her with such bashful sincerity that, again, it made her heart warm.
"Oh…I believe it's the other way around, Beth…I sure didn't deserve any of them at all…but thanks. And I honestly don't think any less of you for not feeling the same for me…in fact I think even more of you. No girl wants an ugly geek like me. I'm going to be alone forever. I've made my peace with that. But thank you, truly…it really means a lot to hear that from you."
Beth's heart broke even more for him, and she only gently said, "Oh, Patrick…never say any of those things again. Please? You won't be alone forever, and you are not ugly, or a geek…believe me. You're a wonderful guy, and one of the best I know."
Patrick's shock was evident on his face, but he gently smiled, and rubbed the back of his neck.
"Thanks, Beth. I always am grateful we're friends every day."
Beth smiled. She gently poked his arm.
"Right back at you."
Patrick blushed again, but she still couldn't help smiling. It honestly was endearing.
A natural silence fell again, and again, Philip's face flashed before her.
Beth could feel the worry seizing hold of her once again, and she made herself pick grass, absently shredding it.
Patrick seemed to notice, though, and gently said, "Beth? Gosh…are you all right? You…you look so worried. Are…are you thinking about those guys that came here last week? From the cult camp? If you are…don't worry. We're safe here, though I still think you are far more brave than I am…I wouldn't have been able to be in the same room with them like you were."
Remembering the frightening men from last week, Beth felt her brow furrow, but she only shook her head, gently looking up at Patrick, feeling even guiltier for worrying Patrick.
"Oh…no. I'm so sorry I'm so distracted…but I'm fine, Patrick. Really. But you're sweet. And…no…honestly, strange as it may sound, I…I'm not. Yes, it was terrifyin' bein' in the same room with them, and it honestly shook me bad, like it did all of us…but…I'm grateful at least that they're dead now, and that we…we truly are safe here. The world's such a dark, evil place now, and bein'…bein' in the same room with them was truly a nightmare, like I said, but…it…it honestly does make me even happier that we're all a big family here, and safe. We…we honestly have love, and happiness, and true light here at the prison, when all people like those men had back at their camp was darkness and evil and ugliness and cruelty. We…we're the lucky ones. Not them. And not their camp."
Patrick nodded.
Beth couldn't help smiling a little though, at her next words.
"Though I do think it's so sweet that you think I was brave sittin' in on the meetin'…I assure you, Patrick, I was ready to pee my pants the whole time!"
Patrick laughed a little, and eventually so did she.
"Well still…you're braver than I am, Beth," Patrick said, and she only gently smiled.
As another natural pause fell, Beth again was lost in her thoughts.
Yes…honestly, it truly had been easy to push the unsettling encounter from her mind, and banish it…Beth knew the encounter would always shake her down to her core, but it truly was easier for her to simply not think of it, and focus on the positive. She'd always been that way when faced with unpleasant events, and that one, though infinitely terrifying, was no different.
But again, as she thought of Philip, she started.
Somehow it wasn't easy to push her worry for him down, and forget the sight of his poor, injured hand from last week…
No. It wasn't easy at all, and the two men from last week truly paled in comparison to just how frightening his private, secret pain was to her.
Another breeze hit, and she was momentarily distracted as Patrick spoke again.
"Well…hey…I have something that might cheer you up for a bit. There are some really neat looking puzzles inside…wanna do one for a while?"
At Patrick's sweetness, Beth couldn't help but smile, and gratefully nodded.
"I'd love to, Patrick. You can go and choose one…whichever one you want."
He grinned, and said, "OK. I'll be right back!"
Beth still continued to smile as she watched him run back into the prison, and then couldn't help but softly laugh a little as she tickled Judith and kissed her on the cheek, making the brown-haired baby laugh adorably.
"Oh, sweetheart…I love you so much. And aren't you excited to do your very first puzzle in just a few minutes?"
She picked Judith up and held her in her lap, handing her another dandelion, and then picked her own and blew on it.
Beth watched the white, delicate petals float away into the breeze, and with them, she hoped her ominous forebodings and horrid visions concerning what Philip would possibly do further to himself would disappear as well, hoping with all her heart they wouldn't become realities.
After dinner, Sasha and Beth went outside to sit at the picnic tables, as it was finally cooling off, and though cracks of far-off thunder had finally begun to hit, the rain had not started yet.
Thankfully, everyone from the supply run had returned safe, and Rick had Judith in his cell for the evening.
The relief of everyone having returned home safe from the supply run had more than calmed Beth, at least for that worry, and dinner with Sasha, Bob, Maggie, Glenn, and Rick and Daryl had been more than enjoyable.
Though despite the talk and the fun antics that had occurred at their table (mainly Maggie and Daryl trading increasingly humorous insults to each other) deep down inside her gut, Beth had still felt so very anxious, with her stomach still threatening to burst with butterflies, despite the fun she had been having, and that same sorrow from earlier had returned in cruel full force, as she only despairingly continued to think of Philip further.
Beth feared her worry was almost too noticeable, and truthfully had been surprised that nobody at all had noticed it at dinner.
Thankfully, though, Sasha hadn't seemed to notice anything was amiss with her, so that gave Beth momentary relief.
"God are you lucky you weren't on that supply run today, Beth," Sasha said, laughing a little as she kicked off her shoes.
Despite her worry, Beth still managed to laugh, and she asked, "Why? What happened?"
Beth took her own shoes off and pulled her knees up to her chest, examining her toes, as she awaited Sasha's answer.
Sasha shook her head. "I was lucky enough to be put in Rick's car…but I hadn't anticipated Maggie and Daryl sniping at each other the entire way there like two teenagers, Daryl's awful-smelling food he ended up bringing back from one of the stores and him eating it with his fingers and trying to get us all to eat it when we thought we were all going to gag…and Glenn's choosing of this weird rap CD we were all forced to listen to on the way back. Honestly…the ride part was fun, despite Maggie and Daryl…but once we were there with all the other people, some of them were just complaining…and god…I was glad to go kill some Walkers and let off some steam!"
Sasha laughed again, and Beth couldn't help laughing too.
"Man…honestly I do wish I could have been there with you guys. It honestly sounds fun. Especially that rap CD. But god…seriously…I would…I would kill to be seen as useful around here…to be able to go on big group supply runs and have people think I could do important stuff…"
Beth trailed off, honestly cringing a little inside at just how even more pathetic she was sure she sounded.
Though somehow what she had just said would only have rendered her unbearably humiliated had she confessed it to him. Philip…
Thinking of him yet again, at that moment, Beth again felt her heart lurch and her cheeks warm, even as only another violent knot cascaded through her stomach.
Yet Sasha spoke, and Beth felt a gentle kick on her leg, distracting her.
"Aww, Beth…look at me!"
Beth did, and Sasha's mouth was honestly agape at what she had just expressed.
"Beth…we do all see you as useful! And you are useful…you bring back loads of important stuff every single week, all by yourself! That is important!"
Beth couldn't help but smile, and softly said, "Oh…thanks, Sasha. I…I didn't mean you…mainly…mainly Maggie…I…I just think she thinks I'm weak. I…I mean I know I am… It's just…she would never let me go on a big group supply run with all of you guys…I'd never hear the end of it…"
Sasha said, "Beth, you are not weak. You are one of the strongest girls I know, and I feel proud to consider you my younger sister. The little sister that I never had but that I always wanted…and yes. I do agree that Maggie can be a little harsh with you sometimes, and very overprotective…but she just cares about you too much. She doesn't think you're weak. I'm sure of it. And we all just love you too much…that's why we all couldn't bear it if something ever happened to you on a big run. It…it can get so dangerous. I've had close calls before…it's honestly terrifying."
Beth nodded, Sasha's words comforting, and she finally only smiled.
Beth did know that everyone at the prison did simply love her too much, and that warmed her heart, as she loved all of them with her whole heart. And she knew they would all be distraught if something ever did happen to her on a big supply run, and that thought more than touched her, but…
Despite Sasha's words, Beth still couldn't help thinking that Maggie truly did see her as weak, and that she was weak, to everyone who saw her.
Honestly, she was sure all everyone saw when they looked at her was just a dead girl walking, and it honestly made her feel even more pathetic and shriveled up inside, and made her cheeks burn with embarrassment…
Maggie…Hershel…Rick…Daryl…Sasha…Glenn…Bob…Tyreese…Patrick…Zach…
Stopping herself from mentally naming everyone in the prison, Beth still couldn't help her cheeks from violently flaming and her heart from skipping as she saw Philip's face…
Yes…oh goodness yes... Philip most certainly saw her as weak…how ever could he not?
Somehow, the near certainty that Philip surely thought that she was weak and pathetic was far more humiliating than everyone else thinking it, to the point it was painful.
Her cheeks only continued to burn as she fixated on that thought, and then she shook herself, making herself stop thinking of it.
"I…I know. I know. Thank you, Sasha…despite what I'll always think about myself…you honestly did make me feel better."
Sasha smiled, and pulled her into a hug, making Beth laugh.
"What are sisters for, right? I'm so glad."
Beth nodded as they released. "I sure got lucky to have two such amazing older sisters."
Sasha arched her eyebrow. "But I'm the fun one, right?"
Beth grinned, nodding. "Oh…definitely. Maggie, bless her heart, can be too much of a…"
Sasha said, "Prison warden? Don't get me wrong, I love that girl to death…but Maggie can be way too strict sometimes."
Beth couldn't stifle another laugh. "Oh…I was going to say mother…but your term works."
Another breeze hit, and Sasha said, "Man…we should do makeovers again soon. My toes really need a pedicure."
Beth agreed, looking at her own toes again.
It honestly was a little terrifying…how long had her toenails looked this terrible?
Vehemently nodding, Beth said, "Oh definitely. I'm in. That was so fun last time."
Sasha said, "Then it's settled. Girls Night number two is on the way. Though man…you know what we should do? We should all so find a way to corner Daryl and tie him down and force him to get a makeover and then walk through the whole prison all made up…oh god. Maggie would love that."
At the mental image, Beth couldn't help giggling, and she said, "Oh god…that's diabolical. It would be so evil…and somehow it would be so hilarious. I'm in."
Sasha said, "I shall talk to Maggie and she'll devise a plan."
Beth laughed again. "Sounds good."
As a natural pause fell, before long, Beth's thoughts were on Philip yet again… all of those lonely miles away… and she couldn't help biting her lip.
Was he safe? Was he warm tonight? Had he eaten enough?
Was he still unharmed?
Sasha spoke again, softly kicking her leg again, and Beth jumped slightly, startled.
"Hey, Beth. Is something bothering you? You can talk to me…you just look so worried."
Looking at Sasha, Beth honestly couldn't find words to speak.
She could only imagine just how Sasha's expression would sour, how her eyes would grow hard, and how incredulous she would grow upon learning the reason for her worry…
And, honestly, the man she was even worrying about…
Sasha spoke again, and she said, "You're not still having worries from what happened last week, are you? With those two insane men from the Council meeting? If you are…oh, Beth. You shouldn't worry. They're dead now, and it shook me real bad, too, but…we're all safe here. Truly."
She gently squeezed her shoulder, and Beth shook her head, still solemn.
"Oh…no. No, I'm not…honestly…it may sound so strange but it was honestly so easy for me to just forget that…though that whole entire experience was honestly one of the most horrifyin' things I think I've ever went through…"
Sasha nodded. "Same with me, Beth. You don't have to be embarrassed about that. It was terrifying for all of us."
Beth furrowed her eyebrows, looking at the parched grass.
"I…it took me awhile to remember in the immediate aftermath but I know we all are safe. We are all safe here…it's just…oh…it's…it's nothin' really. It's…you really just realize just how evil the world is now, with things like that, even more so, and it's just terrifyin."
She paused, and then softly repeated, "It's nothing." The lie made her cheeks burn just a little.
Beth could still feel the warm feel of his hand in hers, and the rough gauze of his bandage when she'd held it for those few fleeting moments, at their last parting last week, and again her heart skipped, both in concern and sorrow and something else…
Her blush only grew, but Beth only bit her lip firmly.
It would be impossible to ever convey in words to anybody here the real reason for her sorrow…and impossible to ever confess just how much she always worried about him, and just how she had slowly come to forgive him, and care about him…
Impossible, and the reality somehow made her feel even more alone and full of sorrow.
Taking in a deep, silent breath, she finally looked back at Sasha and made herself smile, though she knew it was faint.
"I'm fine. Really. But thank you for worryin'."
Sasha softly said, "That's what older sisters are for, Beth."
She gently rubbed Beth's arm, before pulling back, still looking worried, and Beth made her smile grow just a little.
"Well…despite my gut feeling…that never fails, by the way…I knew the girl Tyreese liked when we were back in high school when he was all secretive about her…"
Beth laughed a little.
"And despite my insane worry…I can't tell exactly what's bothering you, so how does a bunch of junk food and gossip sound for later tonight? And then a huge group game of hide and seek inside with flashlights once it finally gets dark…that was actually Daryl's idea. And surprisingly, Maggie's in."
Beth nodded. "That sounds amazing, Sasha, and just what may help. Thank you…and I'm so sorry for worryin' you…I'm so sorry…"
Again, Beth felt her guilt creeping back up, but Sasha only shook her head.
"You don't have to be sorry, Beth. But believe me…you can talk to me about everything. And when you're ready to talk, I'll listen. I just love you so much, Beth, and it isn't right when you're sad."
Beth gently smiled a little, and said, "Oh…right back at you Sasha, and the same goes for you. I'll always listen if you ever need to talk. But I…I'll be fine. Believe me…I…it'll…it will all be fine. I'm sure of it."
But deep down inside herself, Beth was silently praying that her worries regarding Philip would only prove to be unnecessary, and hated the sinking feeling in her gut that told her that, sadly, all of her worries were very much warranted.
Yet again, she heard the disembodied voice, and saw the scraggly black hair and rotten, deformed, terrifying and smirking face, as only another violent clap of thunder sounded, far-off in the distance.
"You can't deny it!"
It was more than humid as she slowly walked to his apartment, the sun momentarily masked by somber gray clouds.
Beth focused on her worn black ballet flats as she slowly walked, and silently made herself breathe in deep, once again trying not to focus on the all-too familiar perpetual worry that was simply flying through her stomach.
Just breathe, she thought…just breathe…he'll be all right…
A breeze hit, blowing the gauzy sleeves of her sky-blue lace shirt she'd chosen to wear that day back, and she made herself brush imaginary lint off her black Capri pants, hoping the action would further distract her.
Her supply run as usual had gone well, with only minimal Walkers to dispatch, and she'd gotten a lot of food and bandages, in addition to other things.
Beth was more than pleased with her accomplishments this week, but despite that, her momentary elation had faded quickly when she had thought of Philip upon getting into the truck…
Though not that she had ever truly forgotten, of course…truthfully she had been rather distracted while killing the few Walkers she'd had to, only seeing his face.
Beth had pushed all of her worry away as best she could while gathering the supplies, only focusing on what she was getting and what she needed, moving efficiently and quickly, trying to make herself think of nothing else; and somehow it had worked, at least partly.
But now, with nothing at all to focus on, the worry was only eating away at her, and she needed to see him, alive and well before her, before it would finally ease.
Finally looking up, though, her knees grew weak and her stomach swirled as she saw him, coming back from around the corner toward his apartment, which she was slowly but surely getting closer to. Her heart skipped violently.
He had noticed her, and he was softly smiling, holding up his hand in greeting, and again her heart skipped what seemed near a thousand beats as she focused on just how beautiful he looked …
Color and heat flooded her cheeks, but she made herself smile back. Yet now she was so nervous upon getting close to him that she almost could have run the other way.
It was so mystifying how not seeing him, not being able to see with her own two anxious eyes that he was alive and healthy and well and not hurt, always terrified her; yet somehow the very sight of him and being in close physical proximity to him always made her feel even more nervous than ever.
Truthfully she didn't think she'd ever understand it; yet she made all of her thoughts only fly away as she finally reached him.
He'd put his gun back on his belt, and was still gently smiling… and thankfully, feeling her legs grow weak with relief… he did look healthy and unhurt.
All of the worry that had been buried in her body since they had parted last week finally was excised, and Beth felt she could finally breathe again.
Scanning him thoroughly, she looked for any and every injury, no matter how small, that she possibly had missed…
His soft brown hair was softly blowing in the breeze, and today he was wearing a dark gray long-sleeve shirt, the sleeves rolled up just so; and, surprisingly, dark blue jeans, and red and white tennis shoes adorned his feet.
Thankfully, she saw no broken skin on his arms or face or neck; and he didn't seem to be ill or in discomfort, to her further relief.
No…the only thing that was out of place on his person was his injured right hand from last week, once again newly bandaged…
The sight made her heart hurt, just as it had last week when she had first discovered it, but she hoped it was slowly but surely healing.
And that it wasn't causing him pain, though sadly she knew that was likely.
Philip finally spoke, still smiling gently. "Hey, Beth," he said, inclining his head gently to her. "How've you been? I hope you had a wonderful week."
Beth nodded, finally able to genuinely smile a little herself, and she said, "It was wonderful, Philip. And I hope you had a wonderful week too."
His gentle smile grew as he slowly shook his head. "I wouldn't call mind-numbing boredom wonderful, Beth, but thank you. It got to the point where I actually wanted to go kill some Biters just for somethin' to do."
Beth couldn't stop herself from laughing, and she said, "Oh goodness. Well I hope you managed to at least have a relaxin' week despite that…and that's certainly actually understandable. It can get so borin' sometimes at the prison."
Beth paused, and then said, "But goodness…now I'm even more glad I'm here…you need a fun person like me to talk to!"
Philip's smile grew just a little, and as he looked at her, Beth couldn't help her cheeks from flaming and her heart from skipping once more at just how handsome he truly was.
He nodded.
"Right you are, Beth. You are very fun to spend time with every week, but I apologize profusely for just how creepy that probably sounded comin' from me. I'm sorry."
Beth couldn't help laughing again even as her stomach flipped a little, and she said, "Oh…no! It was very sweet…thank you."
Philip slowly shook his head, still smiling. "You're far too polite, Beth, as always, but I don't mean that in a bad way."
Beth laughed, blushing a little, and he said, "Come in, please."
Beth did so, walking past him as he tousled his hair just a little as yet another breeze hit, and before long she was seated.
He gently closed the door, and then as always, he walked to the other side of the room, withdrawing a bottle of water for her from a bag.
Beth couldn't help laughing as always as he walked forward and handed it to her, but was still touched.
Philip was smiling as well and he said, "If you want any juice or anythin' before you leave just let me know. But you'll be happy to know that I have plenty of black coffee I could make for you, Beth. I know how much you love that."
Beth couldn't help laughing out loud at his gentle joke, remembering the time she'd visited him when she'd had soup and he'd been drinking it; on one of their earlier visits.
Beth said, "As sweet as that is, Philip, I think I'll pass. Such a tempting offer, though!"
Beth couldn't help shuddering just a little, though, even as she laughed again, and Philip gently laughed also.
"Obviously I was kiddin'…but are you sure you don't want anythin' to eat? I could make you some oatmeal or more soup, Beth…you don't have to worry about bein' rude. I'd be glad to."
Beth couldn't help smiling at his sweetness, and only gently shook her head.
"Oh, Philip…that's very sweet, but I'm all right. We have more than enough food back at the prison, and all of that stuff is yours. I would feel just awful takin' your food."
He gently shook his head, smiling once again, and he said, "You shouldn't feel awful, Beth. You need it more than I do, and I can always get more."
Beth still smiled, but shook her head once more, and softly said, "I'm all right, but maybe one of these times I'll take you up on your offer. Thank you, though, truly…that's very sweet."
Philip nodded, his gentle blue gaze making her stomach swirl once again as she focused on it, and his smile.
"All right…but I'm goin' to give you a bunch of granola bars whether you like it or not, Beth."
Beth laughed, nodding herself. "Yes, sir."
He laughed softly as he went back to the other side of the room and withdrew some from a canvas bag, before handing them to her.
She put them on the table, before nodding her thanks.
Changing the subject, she said, "But goodness…I just have to ask…just how much have you drunk that poison since I saw you last?"
Beth laughed a little again, and he gently smiled as he sat down.
"You'll be horrified at my answer, Beth, so I'm truly sorry, but I have had black coffee every single day since I last saw you…and one time I even had it four times in one day…I just couldn't sleep that night so I just stayed up all night watchin' the stars and I had a whole pitcher. And I even spilled a bunch on my pants after I made another batch when it was still really hot, so that was a thoroughly enjoyable experience."
Beth, feeling awful, said, "Oh…I'm so sorry. You didn't burn yourself too bad, did you? I sincerely hope not."
Philip shook his head, his smile having returned at her words.
"That's very nice, Beth, but there's nothin' to be sorry for. I deserved it. And it wasn't too bad…but I swore really loudly. Though I have to admit I have had far worse…in particular the first time I broke my arm when my friends and I were in Peter's Woods, like I told you about…whenever I remember the pain and the crunching sound my arm made, I honestly cringe."
Beth smiled, though she still felt unimaginable sympathy for him. "Goodness yes, I can only imagine…I'm so sorry again. But if it makes you feel any better that was a really entertainin' story," she said, honestly meaning it.
Philip gently laughed a little as he tousled his hair, his brown watch glinting, and he said, "Well I'm glad, Beth."
Beth nodded, and then said, "Well I'm glad you're glad, Philip."
Hoping he would at least laugh at her little attempt at a joke, awful though it no doubt was in her mind, thankfully he did, and she smiled, before taking a sip of water.
Silence passed, but before long Philip was speaking once again.
"The stars were really nice this past week, and thankfully it didn't rain too many nights, so it was nice to be able to stargaze for a while."
Beth nodded. "I can only imagine…they are very beautiful at night."
Philip nodded and said, "They are. It almost makes you forget it's the end of the world."
Beth nodded, quiet for a moment. "I agree."
But soon memories began to flood her, and she couldn't help her mood from brightening.
Laughing, she said, "I can always remember jumpin' on the trampoline we had on the farm with Maggie and Shawn every single night durin' the summers when it was dark…it was so much fun. We'd make a fire and have a bunch of ice cream and chips and Shawn would order Chinese food sometimes and everythin'…it was great. We'd even just eat on the trampoline and tell ghost stories when we would take breaks. It was always so much fun, and just our unique little thing with just the three of us. And I'm so sorry, I know I mentioned this once before, but…"
Philip smiled. "You don't have to be sorry, Beth, and yes I do remember you tellin' me that but I don't mind hearin' that again. And yes I did always love trampolines as well…we never had one growin' up…my father never spent money on stuff for me and Brian or my mother, except when it was strictly necessary, or on things we wanted, and to be honest my mother was afraid of them…she would have been far too worried to ever let me and Brian get on one in her presence. But when we were little, and then teenagers, a bunch of our friends always had them so we always got to use them."
Laughing a little, he said, "And I do remember tellin' you how I broke my arm the second time drunk on one in college with some friends…I just did a flip and boom…I landed it but I just fell off and I just heard the crunch. Yep…me and that particular trampoline were the best of friends."
Beth nodded, though she felt immense sympathy, and she couldn't help softly laughing sympathetically.
"Oh goodness…yes I do remember that story, Philip, and I'm still so sorry. That sounds awful."
He gently shook his head, adjusting his right shirtsleeve. And somehow she couldn't help from lingering on the muscles of his lean forearm, but hastily shook herself as she awaited his answer.
He smiled. "Oh god…no. That's nothin' to be sorry for, Beth. I deserved it. And honestly I was still so buzzed I just stayed on the ground and laughed, even through the pain. But god did it make a loud sound…but I'm sorry to say it did not top the first time I broke my arm…That crunch was far louder and I actually swore that time. But when my friends took me to the emergency room this time we all agreed that my name was definitely Captain Dumbass…I still am a dumbass, honestly. I just never really grew out of that."
Beth couldn't help laughing again, and said, "Oh…no you're not, Philip! Don't say that."
He shook his head, still gently smiling, and said, "You're far too nice to say the truth, Beth. But you won't offend me by thinkin' I am one…believe me. I most certainly am one."
Again, Beth couldn't help laughing, and he said, "But I do admit…while breaking a limb always is awful, I do have to admit that I'm probably one of the only people who ever did break one in a very odd, unique, downright strange way…not many people break their arms on some poor deceased person's gravestone while visitin' a reportedly haunted place with some buddies."
Beth gently nodded, still smiling, and she said, "No…not many, I'd suppose. But that just makes you special, and that's a crownin' achievement. You should be proud."
Philip laughed softly, and said, "I always do think from time to time maybe the person whose grave I broke it on cursed me, and that's why I broke it a second time. They were probably angry I disturbed their peace. It honestly wouldn't surprise me, knowin' my luck."
Beth couldn't help laughing again at his words, and she said, "Well…you can't win over every single person you meet in life. Or rather, in this case…every evil spirit that's angry you hit their grave with your arm."
Yet another smile hit his face, and he nodded. "Right you are, Beth."
He adjusted his watch then, and Beth only stared, hit by only more curiosity about his life growing up.
"I…I was just wonderin'…" She started cautiously, his words about his father that he'd spoken before stuck in her brain.
She so badly didn't want to offend him, nor ever bring up painful and unpleasant memories about his father while he had been growing up…but it was as though she was transfixed…hypnotized…
And…oh, goodness…she so badly wanted to know anything and everything about him…absolutely anything and everything at all…and it honestly embarrassed her and made her insides burn with shame and the utmost humiliation as she imagined his reaction if he ever knew…
Philip had looked up, then, and he softly said, "It's all right, Beth…you can say or ask what you were goin' to. Believe me…you don't have to worry about offendin' me."
Beth bit her lip, hating herself for her utmost selfishness in asking, hoping with everything in her body that her selfish words and questions would not cause him pain.
She shook her head, and she said, "I…I'm…goodness…I'm so sorry…but…you…you said, earlier, that your father never…never spent money on you or your mother or Brian…and oh goodness Philip…I'm so sorry…"
Beth could feel ever more sympathy cascading throughout her body, and she knew it was positively radiating through her eyes as she looked at him.
He spoke softly, gently shaking his head. "It's more than all right, Beth, though I am beyond touched at your sympathy. It's all right. Truly. You shouldn't feel sorry for me. It's not your fault how my father was."
Beth could feel her eyes only growing more sympathetic, and she softly said, "It's still awful, Philip. I'm so sorry that you and your brother and mother had to live with such an abusive, cruel man the majority of your lives."
Philip gently shook his head again. "You shouldn't be, Beth. I…honestly I'm the lucky one. I was able to get out; have a life…Brian died before he could ever have a family of his own…and my mother was trapped in that house with him until the day she finally died, and I'll never forgive myself for not bein' able to truly get her away from him. Honestly…I tried my best, but I…I told you…she for some odd reason loved him with all her heart, despite how awful he always was towards her, and she didn't believe in divorce…I just never wanted to cause her even more pain and heartbreak by reportin' the abuse, or ever takin' action against him, for her sake; though I really, really always wanted to do all of that, just so she could finally be happy and away from him and he could finally be behind bars where he belonged…I should have done it…yes it would have hurt her, and I would have felt awful, but it would have hurt her far less than havin' to stay with him the rest of her life like she had to."
Beth could feel even more sympathy absolutely flooding her body for him.
Slowly shaking her head, she said, "Oh…Philip…you…you shouldn't blame yourself. Sometimes…sometimes makin' the people you love happy means havin' to stay silent even when you don't agree with their feelings, or choices…She did love your father, and…and even though he didn't deserve her love…he did make her happy. Somehow even I know that, from what you've told me, even though I never knew her, or your father… And oh goodness…you did love her. With all of your heart. You shouldn't blame yourself."
Philip slowly nodded. "Thank you, Beth, very much, but…I should have done more. Honestly…that day that I finally beat him up when I was twenty when I came home from college only to walk into the house to find him stranglin' her…"
Beth nodded solemnly at the memory, remembering he had told her this on one of their earliest visits.
"Seein' her with those two black eyes and seein' her terrified and heartbroken and cryin' her eyes out…that image always haunts me, and I know I'll never forget that as long as I live…honestly I didn't do enough to him that day…it honestly would have been worth it to go to jail if I would have killed him that day…it would have broken my mother's heart for me to be behind bars but it would have been worth it starin' up at a cell ceiling every single night only to know that my mother was safe, and never would be hurt by him again."
Beth couldn't even speak for a few moments, and she finally only said, "I'm so sorry. My…my daddy is just wonderful, and I…I'm more lucky than I've ever realized…but…goodness…all of my worries and sad events when I was growin' up seem so childish and shallow in comparison to all of that…God…sometimes I even worry that I ever took my daddy for granted…"
Philip interjected, slowly shaking his head. "Please don't do that, Beth," he said gently. "You make yourself sound as though you're an ungrateful teenage girl who never loved their father unless he bought them things…you've always realized just how much you love your father; I can tell. And you've always known that you were lucky to have such a loving one. And though I obviously don't know anything about any of the struggles you had to deal with growin' up, I would bet my life that they weren't childish and shallow."
Beth was beyond touched at his kind words, and she knew deep down that he was right…but she still felt unbelievably guilty.
She knew she had had it better than a lot of people before the apocalypse, and especially her age…she had never wanted for love and affection, which were by far the most important things in life to her.
Beth had never cared about money, or seen herself as important or better than anyone because of how much money the Greene family had always had, but on a more superficial level, she had to admit that, yes…her family had always been very well off.
They had always had plenty of money, and there had always been the finest of luxuries to go around in their farmhouse, and there had always been plenty of expensive vacations and family excursions that took place every year. And Hershel and her mother had never denied Beth and Maggie and Shawn any luxuries that they ever wanted.
They'd never been hungry, never been in debt…they'd never known what poverty was.
But on a more important level, Beth had never known what emotional poverty was…to grow up in a household where there was abuse, and neglect, and no love sometimes…
It honestly broke her heart to imagine and think of everyone who had ever had to live like that, and it only broke her heart further for him as she looked at Philip.
Long ago, when he had still only been simply The Governor to her, evil and depraved and dangerous, when the war between the prison and Woodbury had been taking place, she had never entertained the notion that he had ever grown up in a less than happy home. Never entertained the notion that he knew how to love…
But now, when she finally knew the real Philip Blake…or at least, she felt, she was slowly knowing him better every single week…Beth's heart only hurt for him, and she couldn't deny that she thought he was more than strong for having had to deal with an abusive father all of his life.
And…though she grew somber thinking of everything that had transpired, as she always did…subconsciously, perhaps his father's anger issues and violent tendencies had been unwillingly and unknowingly inherited by Philip, and manifested in a far different way than spousal and child abuse, once he had finally lost Penny, and had been insane and hell-bent on revenge.
Yes…it certainly was a distinct possibility…though by now Beth knew with all of her heart that Philip had never been anything like his father, though his father was a stranger to her; and, even stronger, that Philip truly was not a monster like his father had been, and had always been a good man before the apocalypse, and yes…honestly was one even now; even after all he had done...
Beth knew that with all of her heart. Philip truly was not the monster that his father had been, and he never had been before the apocalypse…No…only after he had completely and utterly lost his mind had he become somebody else; a soulless, evil, remorseless man that had never been the real Philip Blake at all; the real Philip Blake who honestly was a good man, despite what he would always think about himself, to her heartbreak, and who was sitting in front of her right now.
Yet she grew distracted from her thoughts as he spoke once again.
"Did you want to know more about my life growin' up? It's more than fine, Beth…again, you don't have to worry about offendin' me."
Beth hesitated, though deep inside she was positively burning with questions, and then finally spoke.
"I…well…what…what was your life like growin' up? What kind of a house did you guys live in?"
Philip nodded. "We were well-off…we certainly weren't rich or anythin' but we never went hungry or anythin' like that…we always had clothes on our backs and the necessities, things like that. Though he did say that he only supplied us with necessities to protect his image…we needed to appear like the perfect family. But my father was the only one who worked and the only one who made the money so when there was money left over for extra spendin' he just bought himself luxuries that he wanted. My mother and Brian and me never even got Christmas presents or birthday presents, but my mother would always make me and Brian whatever foods we wanted for our birthdays, and make us things, like shirts and things like that. That was enough."
Beth could only stare, feeling her heart only break more.
A few moments of silence, and he continued, and Beth had to appreciate that he was even divulging some of this personal, most private information about himself, as she was sure it likely was more than difficult.
"Actually one year, when I was sixteen, and Brian was eighteen…we were so surprised when one day we both got home to find actual presents in our rooms. It turned out that my mother had gotten a job at a flower shop part-time when my father was at work durin' the day and she was makin' her own money…she'd always been a stay-at home mother and a homemaker."
Beth nodded.
"She'd walk there and then walk home…she never had learned how to drive. Anyway…he ended up findin' out one day when they called to see if she could come in because another worker was sick when she had walked to the grocery store and that was the end of that…he made her quit, and gave her a black eye for that. Brian and me almost both beat him up together that night."
Beth still could only stare. "I'm so sorry…that's so awful," she whispered.
Philip nodded. "It was," he said softly.
Then, he seemed to pause, his gaze empty as he gazed at the table, lost in his memories, seeing horrible things that Beth could not see, and then he finally cleared his throat.
"And he always had rules for his things he bought for himself…we weren't allowed to touch anythin' that was his…no watchin' the bigger TV in the living room…we had a small color TV in the basement that had cable so that was where we always watched TV…no drivin' his fancy cars he always bought for himself…no drinkin' his beer…you name it."
Beth nodded, still unable to speak.
"Of course, not that Brian and me listened…when he wasn't home, we purposely used his things, and we were always extra careful to put them back the exact way he'd left them when we were done."
Suddenly though, he smiled a little, and he said, "Actually one time we went joy-ridin' in one of his precious vehicles at night when both my parents were sleepin'…I was eighteen and I drove and we had the best time. We even got fast-food and it was a blast. We both would have gotten beaten to a bloody pulp yet again if he'd ever found out but he didn't."
Beth smiled a little, too, and she said, "That's very brave."
Philip shook his head, and said, "No. Just rebellious. I never was afraid of my father anymore after I turned fifteen years old…I just hated him."
Beth still felt even sadder for him, but he adjusted his watch and continued to speak.
"But god…he never even got my mother any presents for her birthday, or jewelry. Yet when it came time for his birthday, she'd bend over backwards makin' whatever foods he liked and his favorite desserts…it honestly makes me sick to remember that. He was such a bastard, and he didn't deserve her."
Beth nodded, biting her lip in sympathy as she thought of his poor mother.
"When she had her secret job, she even spent a lot of money buyin' him a nice watch…god he just didn't deserve her. It honestly pisses me off just rememberin' everythin' he ever did and said to her."
Philip looked at her, still speaking.
"He even said she was too stupid to work and that they would have fired her anyway had he not made her quit…and to see the tears come into her eyes after he said that just broke my heart. He always just thought she was stupid and couldn't do anythin' when really, she was the one who kept our house runnin'…she did all the cookin' and the cleanin' and the laundry…everythin' all for him."
He paused, and then said, "He always thought she was stupid, when really she was one of the smartest women I've ever met. And he never gave her enough credit. She'd never gone to college, and she really was really shy and modest, and didn't have a lot of confidence, but she was very smart…her parents had been rich, and she gave up college all to marry him. She was so good at a lot of things, and the flower shop had actually wanted her to come on full-time…it just breaks my heart to think of how he took that joy from her too."
Beth said, "I'm so sorry…oh…I just know she was a wonderful woman. I wish I could have met her."
Philip nodded, and he said, "Thank you very much, Beth, and she was."
Feeling a little brave, Beth gently asked, "What did she look like?"
Philip smiled just a little, and he said, "She was very skinny, and about a medium height, and she had this long, thick, curly brown hair that went all the way to her waist. She had blue eyes, and she always wore these long dresses and skirts and blouses. She always wore her hair in a braid, and she was really rather modest and shy. She didn't wear any makeup…she was a beautiful woman even without it though."
His gentle smile grew, and he said, "She always used to brush her hair out every night kneelin' in front of the mirror in her white lace floor-length nightgowns…she'd even do the one-hundred strokes thing, and me and Brian would just be mesmerized when we were really little just watchin' her do it, and at just how long and strong and pretty her hair was, just watchin' it shine in the light."
Beth smiled. "That's sweet."
Philip slowly shook his head. "I still remember bein' five and watchin' her do it."
Beth said, "What was she like in personality?"
Still he smiled, and he said, "She was very shy, and modest, and very religious. She always was content bein' a homemaker and a stay-at home wife and mother…she was very traditional and old-fashioned in that sense. She always wore a cross around her neck, and made us say our prayers every night. But she was the kindest, sweetest woman you could imagine, and she was so loving and caring to everyone. Especially to me and Brian. She didn't care what you looked like or who you were…if you needed help or kindness she would be there for you. She even stayed up all night bakin' food for a neighbor couple when they lost a baby in childbirth…it was stillborn."
Beth covered her mouth. "Oh…how awful!"
Philip nodded. "That was. But they ended up havin' more children, thankfully…that would have been their first child."
"That's awful," Beth said softly, and he nodded.
Silence fell for a few moments, and then he said, "And when she got older she was still just as sweet…she was so cute with Penny."
He smiled, and then slowly it vanished.
"When she got diagnosed with cancer she was seventy years old, and god did it ever devastate me…I took her to appointments as often as I could, but it pissed me off so much that of course, my bastard of a father never even took her to appointments that much, and when he did he would stay in the car and yell at her the whole way there."
Again, Beth couldn't help covering her mouth, and still he spoke.
"But what really made me want to kill him even more was when she confessed to me that he told her when they found out she was sick that it was what she deserved…and that she had better buy a good wig because he wasn't goin' to like lookin' at her every single day with no hair…he also said that she had better hope that the cancer wouldn't make her too ugly."
Beth couldn't even speak, and could still only stare, horrified.
"I…I'm so sorry," she breathed, appalled and horrified. "That's…that's awful…"
Philip nodded, and even now, she could see how his body was tensed, his jaw working a little as he remembered.
"That's my father for you. Such a kind man…She still wore her hair long even in her old age, and the day she finally began to lose it, it broke my heart. I was havin' her stay at our house…Penny and my wife were gone for the night stayin' at my wife's sister's house, and I honestly just held her in my arms as she cried…that's honestly one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. And one of the saddest things I've ever witnessed."
Beth could only stare, and yet he spoke once more.
"In fact, she told me once that he still beat her when she was pregnant with both Brian and me…"
Again, Beth couldn't help covering her mouth.
"My father was a very, very sick man, though I am in no position to call anyone else sick considerin' just how sick I am…and I…suffice it to say that I was glad when he died, and didn't shed a single tear."
Beth, still shocked and horrified, said, "Oh…I don't blame you, Philip. I don't."
Philip nodded, and then silence fell, before he finally shook his head a little.
"Anyway…I…I take comfort knowin' that my mother's in a better place…away from him…and away from the hell this world is now."
Again he paused, and then he said, "But I hope that answers at least some of your questions about my mother…I loved her very much and she was one of the best women I've ever known. Losin' her was awful, but she suffered so much…dyin' honestly was a release for her."
Still stricken, Beth said, "Oh…yes…you more than did…and I….oh Philip…I'm so sorry for askin' about all of that…I feel awful…"
Slowly he shook his head. "Don't, Beth…believe me. I chose to tell you all of that…you didn't force me to."
Beth, her heart still in her mouth, said, "But, oh…believe me. I truly do appreciate you tellin' me all of that. And…what you said about yourself…obviously I never knew your father, and truthfully I wouldn't want to if he were alive, but…you are nothin' like him. Even…even despite all you did…you truly aren't, Philip. You…you are a good man. Truly."
As always, Philip looked at her with the utmost seriousness, as always happened after she said those kinds of things, but he slowly shook his head.
"Thank you very much, Beth, from the bottom of my heart, but I…I am not a good man. But thank you…truly."
Beth only nodded; to her heartbreak, she knew further words to the contrary would only strengthen his hatred about himself and be gently rebuffed, so she stayed silent, though it was difficult.
Silence fell, and then he finally spoke again. "But honestly…you…you shouldn't feel sorry for me, Beth, at all, about anything…especially you of all people…Not havin' a real father all my life was no great loss. I didn't need him for anything that a son normally needs his father for…I learned how to play sports on my own…I learned how to shave on my own…I learned how to work with tools on my own…I learned how to ask out girls on my own…me and Brian had each other, and that was enough. I also had plenty of friends to bond with over normal guy stuff so I never truly felt I was missing out on anything…are there times that I wished I had a different father, one who actually loved me? Of course, but…the older I got, the less I honestly cared, I hated my father so much every day."
Beth still was silent, only sadness radiating throughout her body for him.
Philip continued. "I honestly did teach myself how to do a lot of important things…I taught myself how to shave when it came time…how to play sports…like I said you shouldn't feel sorry for me at all, Beth. They were all more than easy to learn, and I've really always been self-reliant for the most part. It wasn't a great loss at all."
Beth spoke, then. "You're honestly very brave for that, Philip. I can never imagine not havin' a loving mother like my momma always was…that honestly breaks my heart for you. Every child needs both parents, but what a little girl can share only with her mother, and a little boy only with his father, is truly somethin' very important."
Philip gently nodded again. "Thank you very much again, Beth," he said softly, "but I really don't deserve your praise. I'm not brave at all for that."
A natural pause fell again, and then he spoke once more.
"But I'll tell you one thing…unlike my father, my whole life before all this, I always treated women right, and I wasn't an abusive prick to most everybody I came in contact with…I would have honestly killed myself had I ever truly been anythin' like him before all of this…I'm truly grateful I wasn't anythin' like him back then. Though I'm truly sorry for just how laughable what I just said probably sounds to you…and just how insulting what I just said is to you, Beth."
Beth could only stare in sympathy as he continued.
"I may not have always been like him, but I am just like my father now, whether I like it or not…I am an abusive prick, and every bit the monster he was. When I…when I was in charge…oh…I was exactly like him…I hate how I let myself turn into him, and I hate that I actually did, though I always really felt so out of it when I…"
He broke off, seeming ashamed for continuing to speak about himself. Ashamed that his words could possibly be misconstrued as an invitation for pity and sympathy, when Beth knew with all of her heart that he was not saying them to gain her sympathy.
Slowly shaking his head, he said, "Beth…oh god…believe me…I am more sorry than words could ever express for everythin' I did to you and your family, and how much pain and heartbreak and sorrow and fear I put you through…words will never be enough, and I don't even deserve to sit in your presence after everythin' I did…I don't even deserve to have you look at me, much less spend time with me every single week…but…god…I'd do anythin' to take it all back…and thank you again, from the bottom of my heart, for comin' here every single week…it honestly does mean the world to me."
Beth only softly stared at him, still beyond touched at his sincere, heartfelt words, and even more heartbroken for him.
"Thank you, truly, Philip…I know you do mean it," she said softly. "I do. With all of my heart."
He spoke. "You never have to thank me, Beth…especially for that…"
Yet she intervened. "Oh…Philip. Stop it, please. But…oh…what you said…yes…you may have turned into your father once you became The Governor…but deep down inside, that man was not the real you. You…you only became your father once you had lost your mind once the world had finally ended and the one person you couldn't bear to lose had been cruelly ripped from you. And again…I'm so, so sorry for Penny…but it was not your fault what happened to her. It wasn't at all…"
Beth bit her lip, pausing…still afraid she'd only hurt him by mentioning Penny.
But she continued. "But…on…on our very first meetin'…you admitted to me that you 'just lost it.' You truly did lose your mind…honestly I'd say once the outbreak happened, long before you became The Governor…from all of the horrific things you no doubt had to witness that we all witnessed when this all first started…and that only worsened once she…she got bit…That emotional trauma changed you drastically into a man that wasn't the real you, and I hope, deep, deep down, that you will at least agree with me on that."
Philip was only wordlessly staring at her, only seriousness and just a little bit of shock on his expression, but slowly he shook his head.
"I…I did lose my mind, Beth, but…that still doesn't excuse me on anythin' I did, or give me a free pass…"
Beth shook her own head. "Of course it doesn't…none of the things you did are excusable, or any less awful…they were all awful and sick and twisted…honestly it makes me sick to remember them," Beth said, her voice becoming only a whisper as she was pulled back in memories.
Honestly, she had to avert her eyes and compose herself for just a few moments, staring down at the wood table as she tried not to let the familiar fear of those days overtake her.
Yes…they truly did sicken her, and always would, but the Philip Blake who had done them had been a stranger, an evil imposter, and was not the real Philip Blake, who was here with her right now…
She knew that with all of her heart, and she only looked back up at him.
And the sight of his guilt and remorse and tortured expression broke the jagged shards of her heart into even smaller pieces for him.
"Beth," he said softly, shaking his head. "I honestly am so sorry once again…please…don't excuse me like that…don't…I don't deserve it…"
Yet she shook her own head, finally swallowing; and, with the action, she wonderfully erased all of her sick feelings and old fears and horrible memories.
"But Philip…please. Thank you again for your apologies…but please. Just admit somethin' to me…would you please?"
Philip nodded, his voice hoarse. "Anything you want, Beth."
Beth nodded, breathing in deep. "When you were The Governor, did you truly feel like yourself ever?"
The silence hung in the air, and finally he spoke, once again slowly shaking his head.
"No…no I didn't. Sometimes…rarely…I would truly feel like myself, but…no for the majority of it. I became a hardened, monstrous stranger…and I…I really didn't feel like myself once Penny…"
He stopped, lost. Yet he spoke again after a few moments.
"After I lost her…I just lived every single day in a haze of anger and it's like I saw the world in red. Blood…violence…Lookin' back I truly didn't feel like myself, like the man I had always been before this started. I didn't…but that still doesn't excuse my actions, and it never will…and honestly…I know you think the opposite, Beth, but…the more I dwell on every single thing I did…the more it's clear to me that the insane, evil man I turned into when I was The Governor was the real me…hell, I know it is… and that the man I'd always been before the outbreak was never the real me. And please…don't say it isn't…I am a sick, evil man and I will never be a good man."
Beth only stared, slowly, sadly shaking her head in the end.
"Oh, Philip…you may not believe me but you honestly are," she said softly. "We'll just have to agree to disagree."
He looked at her with such shock and sincerity that she honestly could not stop the urge to get up and touch his arm…yet somehow she stayed put.
Philip slowly nodded and softly said, "Thank you again, Beth, but you're right. We'll have to agree to disagree. But thank you again, truly…it truly does mean the world that you at least don't think I'm the monster that I know I am."
Again, her heart broke, but Beth only smiled just a little and said, "Well I do think that. Believe it."
For a few seconds he simply wordlessly stared again, and then finally nodded in the end, looking down.
"Thank you," he said once again, and silence hit.
Beth was about to change the subject, to perhaps a lighter topic, when he suddenly spoke, clearing his throat.
"Anyway…did you do anythin' excitin' this past week? I really hope so. I think boredom is honestly one of the worst things brought on by all of this."
Beth couldn't help smiling, and she said, "I took care of Judith…that was really fun. She's the sweetest baby and I love her to pieces. And we did have fun…we even had a big game of hide and seek…I hadn't played that in ages."
Softly he smiled, and nodded. "That was always fun too. Heck, even in college we'd play that if we were bored or drunk sometimes…it was still enjoyable."
Beth laughed, even as she felt a shock run through her at the sight of his smile, and she said, "We'd always play Ghost in the Graveyard…me, Maggie and Shawn…at night sometimes…the woods on our property went all the way back. It was always so much fun but sometimes it could get terrifyin' with Shawn's pranks…actually god…he'd always invite a bunch of his friends over and we'd always all play as it got closer to Halloween at like midnight on weekends…and hide and seek in the woods as well…it was always one of my favorite times, though it could get scary sometimes hidin' out in the woods all alone."
Gently he laughed, nodding his head. "That does sound fun."
Beth couldn't help rolling her eyes a little in memory, feeling another laugh come on.
"Actually god…Shawn always was a prankster…I remember when I was five he convinced me that he was a werewolf and I was terrified of him, so I did all his chores for him just so he wouldn't bite me…Daddy and Momma were so angry when they found out what he'd done."
Philip smiled just a little; though she noted, oddly, that his brows were furrowed a little…almost in sympathy, which baffled her as much as it amused her.
"God…I'm sorry," he said softly, sympathy evident, and Beth couldn't help laughing out loud in earnest now.
"Oh…Philip! What is there to be sorry for? That's probably the stupidest thing ever to feel sorry for! Not that I don't appreciate it…your concern is very sweet."
His gentle smile grew and he said, "I just feel bad. That must have been terrifyin' for you, with how young you were."
Beth smiled and said, "Oh…it was…but I'm here. I survived, right? That must count for somethin' right?"
He nodded and said, "It certainly does."
Softly Beth laughed again, and was just about to speak again, eager to continue their conversation; but a glance at the window made her falter.
The sky was darker outdoors. Dusk had finally hit, and the sight made her stomach plummet in disappointment.
As always, their meeting was at an end for the week…yet Beth couldn't help but dwell on her disappointment in her mind.
Goodness…there were so many things they could talk about…do…if not for night cruelly hitting every single week…
Gently he spoke. The sound of his voice shook her from the daze she had been in.
"I'll walk you out. It'll be dark soon."
Beth got up, taking the granola bars with her that he'd given her, and slowly they walked out.
The air was cooler, and she somehow dreaded the thought of driving home alone…
It scared her more than she would ever admit sometimes driving at night every single week.
But more than that, she dreaded having to live another week not knowing whether he was alive or dead. And that was more than terrifying…
But finally they reached the gate, and he opened it for her as another cold blast of wind hit.
Gently he smiled and he said, "Thank you again, Beth, as always, and see you next week. I hope you have a wonderful week."
Frozen, for one moment Beth could not smile.
Beth could only see his crimson blood pouring out of him…and that thought clenched her heart.
Finally though, she shook herself, and made herself smile, but not before noticing that he had instantly noticed her inner anxiety.
"Hey, you alright?" he asked softly, taking a step closer to her.
Yet another breeze hit, and again, that familiar scent of ivory filled the air.
He gently put a warm hand on her arm, and involuntarily she flinched just a little, shocked.
Yet it had not been fear that had caused her to…she knew it, and prayed with everything she had that he had not noticed…
Philip would only think that she was afraid of him…and that thought broke her heart effectively for him.
Thankfully, though, he had not seemed to, and now Beth could only focus on the feel of his warm hand still on her arm, making her heart skip and her stomach flip…
Beth shook herself.
Speak, you idiot! She mentally screamed at herself.
"I…oh…yes…I am…"
Beth made herself smile, and she said, "That's very sweet of you to worry, Philip, but I'm fine. I'm just…just…I'm just a little cold is all."
Her cheeks flamed violently at her stuttered reply, but he only said, "All right…if you're sure. I can get you a blanket or one of my shirts or something…"
His sweetness made her knees weaken; but she only hastily shook her head, now able to smile genuinely, and she said, "Oh…that's very kind but I'm all right. Really. Thank you though, so much…"
Words failed her though, as he only continued to look at her, as though he didn't believe that something wasn't amiss with her, face full of gentle concern, but he only nodded and then removed his hand.
"All right…if you're sure, Beth. You're feelin' okay now, though, aren't you? I sincerely hope so."
Beth nodded and said, "Never better."
Again he nodded, and still neither spoke.
Staring at him, though, Beth couldn't help but notice just how adorable he looked today, in his outfit…and just how wonderfully warm it would be, if Philip only drew her into his strong, slender arms against his body and kissed her…
Her heart stuttered at the thought, but she shook herself, and Beth felt warmer than ever as she looked at him, her blush almost painfully hot.
"I…goodbye, Philip. And please…take care of yourself. Be in one piece by next week."
Slowly he smiled, just a little, and he nodded. "Anything for you, Beth."
Her heart skipped yet again at his words…yet Beth couldn't help laughing once again, and gently squeezing his bandaged hand as she made to walk through the gate.
"Is your hand feelin' okay? I sincerely hope so…like I said I could do somethin' if you need me to…"
But her words died as she looked at him, and slowly he nodded.
"It is. Thank you, though, Beth."
Oh…why did she get the simply awful feeling that his hand was probably killing him?
The thought made her heart twist even more painfully in anxiety and pain for him.
But Beth made herself nod, despite her fears, slowly releasing his hand, and simply spoke once more.
"See you next week, Philip."
Gently he too nodded. "I look forward to it, Beth."
Beth made herself smile once more, before finally walking out.
And as he closed the gate behind her, she couldn't help from looking one last time at it, once again praying with everything in her soul that he would be alive to close it for her next week.
She was in his arms…he'd wonderfully lifted her up, and carried her from the freezing nighttime air…
And now he'd lain her down gently on his bed, and was kissing her so sweetly that she could not think…
Beth felt so safe, and loved, and beautiful, just then… And oh goodness…
She was flying…she knew it…
And then they broke apart, and Philip gently caressed her cheek, slowly shaking his head.
"I love you so much, Beth," he said softly, his face betraying just how tortured he felt, as well as just how sincere, and she could not breathe…
Her heart breaking at the sight of his guilt, Beth gently reached up and tousled his hair, only feeling herself begin to tear up.
"Oh…I know you do, Philip, and I…I love you more than anything, too…"
At her words, again she saw that same heartbreaking disbelief visit his face, and then he kissed her yet again…
Time seemed to slow, and then stop completely, as they only began to make love…
But as if she had been shocked, Beth awoke from her dream, the shadows of the prison all she could see, breathless and weak.
Hastily, she lit a candle, and for one horrifying moment, she saw the Walker from all of those weeks ago sitting on the floor against the gray wall in the corner of her cell, smirking at her, black and red blood dripping out of her mouth.
She shook herself, and when she looked again, the awful hallucination had vanished, leaving her only with a racing heart and flushed cheeks from her dream.