I am so sorry for the delay guys, I hope this makes up for the wait. :)
She noticed it right away.
He looked…goodness, he looked…as though he was dead…as though he had never smiled in his life…or never would again…
Her heart cracked…and Beth only felt her heart break more as she only continued to anxiously drink him in, her eyes sad.
His one blue eye was so dull and so completely devoid of life…and so full of the most aching, raw sadness…it honestly made her heart hurt…
She was blind, of course, to just what was causing his clear pain…but as she continued to look at him, Beth could not help the wild anxiety that was slowly but surely rising up in her, threatening to consume her.
Oh…whatever it was…whatever the cause of his torment…it seemed the weight of his sorrow would surely crush him…
It was unusually cold today for Georgia, the air frigid at best, and the sun seemed content to hide behind thick gray clouds.
An icy breeze hit, enveloping the pair of them; Beth felt her face go even number with the cruel assault, and watched as his brown hair moved just a little.
Still Philip stood in the doorway…yet, he did not smile at her, as he usually did…though, his expression was not at all unkind…far from it.
No…it simply looked like he could not smile, even if he wanted to…
Beth scanned him thoroughly…and her heart broke even more, and something inside of her recoiled, as, the awful, cruel sight confirming her worst fears, she caught sight of his bandaged hand…
There were many new, angry-looking black bruises and red cuts on it; and, it seemed, clearly he had attained other fresh wounds to it as well…dark red blood seeped through the fresh bandages he had put on it.
Truthfully, it was rather difficult to look at them, they looked so gruesome and evil…but it was all the more difficult to look at them because Beth knew they certainly were causing him unimaginable pain…and, she suspected, were solely of his own doing…
Though it was difficult, Beth forced herself to tear her eyes away from his hand, and simply looked at his face once more.
Slowly, he inclined his head to her, still unsmiling, and spoke gently, his voice soft yet far from unkind.
"Hello, Beth," he said softly.
Cold, skeletal fingers gripped her heart and squeezed painfully.
Beth could not even speak for a few moments, and still could only stare.
Philip was not dressed normally, as he usually was…he was wearing only a simple navy-blue t-shirt and black pants, and it almost seemed as though he was dressed in clothing he slept in.
And, Beth sadly thought, she had to wonder if he had even slept much at all…
Goodness…she had never seen him like this before…never…so sad and dull and dead…
Timidly she made herself speak, knowing her words she had forced herself to memorize the entire drive here would not be spoken…her blushing thank you for having given her the peaches last week…her hopes that he had had a wonderful…
Absolutely all of her thoughts and ideas for conversation this week were now completely forgotten; she knew she could not think of them just then, and now they did not matter.
All that did was him. This…
"Hello, Philip," she said, her knees growing steadily weaker by the minute. "I…oh…are you all right? You look…"
Yet Philip silently shook his head, once again speaking gently, still unsmiling.
"I'm more than fine, Beth. Thank you, though."
Oh…he was so good at hiding things…so determined to…
Beth's heart cracking even more, now she couldn't help but irrationally fear the worst…
Surely, maybe he just didn't want to see her this week…and, really, why would he want to?
Speaking again, her heart still thrumming wildly with fear inside of her, a little bird desperate to escape a cage, Beth said, "I…is it me? I…I can leave, if you don't want me here…and I'm so sorry for comin'…"
Yet her heart thoroughly skipped as, without warning, slowly he moved, coming closer to her.
Beth was assaulted as his familiar scent washed over her, and at the feel of his body heat, so close to her, a welcome relief from the awful coldness.
Philip put a warm, gentle hand on her right arm, slowly shaking his head, yet looking past her, at the gray sky and the rotten, almost skeletal, tree branches swaying in the breeze, high above them.
Speaking softly yet again, he said, "No…believe me, Beth. You're more than welcome to stay."
But his speech died yet again, and he only looked back at her.
At his close proximity to her, and his gentle touch on her arm, Beth's heart skipped, her stomach swirling…yet she instantly grew somewhat relieved, as she saw the clear truth on his face; in his one blue eye…the clear certainty.
Yes…he did want her here with him today…her presence was not the clear curse to him that she thought it was, and she was not bothering him at all…
The moment of physical contact was brief, however, as Philip removed his hand from her arm, and stepped back just a little.
Another cold breeze hit, and Philip again gently inclined his head.
"Please…come in."
Her legs weak, Beth finally moved as he held the door wider for her.
And, though the warm air inside his apartment was a relief, Beth hardly felt more comfortable…
She heard the steady resounding click of the door as he closed it, and her heart pounded louder and louder, and all the more painfully, as she watched his retreating back as he went to get water for her as usual; it was so loud Beth honestly wondered if he could hear it.
At present, she couldn't see his injured hand, for which she was almost grateful. Looking at his injuries was too awful and heartbreaking…yet Beth ached to go over to him and gently take his warm hand in hers…to thoroughly inspect his wounds…gently clean and wrap his poor hand herself…
But she knew he would not allow it, to her further silent pain, and she simply watched his back, the navy-blue of his shirt dark in the light of the room.
Scanning the back of him from head to toe, Beth bit her lip.
She had to wonder if there were even more gruesome injuries hidden beneath his clothes, on parts of his body that she could not see.
Sadly, she suspected there might be. And the thoughts caused her stomach to sink, her heart sinking in her breast…
Her heart jumped as he suddenly turned and came back to her, handing her the bottle, before motioning to the table.
"Please…sit down, Beth. Don't feel like you have to stand on my account. It's more than fine."
His words were so polite, his tone so gentle…yet, his voice was still so dull and oddly quiet. Nothing at all like it usually was…
Beth shakily sat, barely feeling the chair beneath her.
"Th…thank you," she said, gingerly holding up her water bottle.
Philip shook his head, still standing.
"Don't mention it, Beth."
A few seconds of silence passed, and then he finally spoke again, surprising her.
"Did you want anything to eat with that? You must be hungry. I can make you some soup or somethin'…"
Somehow, the sweet offer caused Beth even more heartbreak. Hastily shaking her head, she said, "Oh, no, Philip…that's very sweet but I…"
Beth's stomach violently somersaulted as Philip gently put his warm, uninjured hand on her shoulder and squeezed gently. Again he shook his head.
"Don't worry about it, Beth."
Her heart breaking even more, she simply stared after him as he crossed over to the other side of the room, where a brown canvas bag was, withdrew a red can of chicken soup from it, and then grabbed a small pot, a can opener, and a ladle, before going over to the door, opening it.
"I'll start the fire…it shouldn't take too long to get it going."
Yet that was all he said, and Beth knew, somehow, that he would gently rebuff her futile protestations that he shouldn't trouble himself on her account…
And…honestly…Beth also somehow sensed that he needed this…to be doing something…keeping busy…if only to distract himself from something.
Again, her heart wildly thrashed against her chest…Beth bit her lip, but then stood up, self-conscious. Her cheeks reddened.
"I'll keep you company while it cooks…if…if you don't mind."
Philip looked back at her, before shaking his head. Her heart skipped several times awaiting his response, only more blood rushing to her cheeks, causing her more acute embarrassment.
"Not at all, Beth."
Beth made herself smile, though her legs were trembling slightly, and she gripped her water bottle tightly, crossing over to where he held the door for her.
"Thank you," she said softly, and again, Philip shook his head.
"Don't mention it," he said, just as softly.
Soon they were outside, and Beth shivered at the icy coldness of the winds, honestly wondering how he could stand to be wearing just a short-sleeved shirt, the weather was so bad today.
Philip motioned with his head. "Follow me. I made a fire pit for cookin' and everything. It's in a small courtyard."
Beth nodded, breathing in deep. As they walked, she tried in vain to tear her eyes away from his injured hand, thoroughly failing…
Slowly they walked around the corner, and Beth was surprised to see what almost seemed like an outdoor hallway, narrow and thin…and before long, they reached the end of it, turning right, into a small white stone courtyard.
Awestruck, Beth could only stare. It had been so long since she had seen something like this…a place like this…a place so pretty and intimate…
True, it was rather small, and white stones littered most of the ground, and most of the grass inside it was parched…but it was still oddly beautiful, in a sense.
Looking at him, still almost unable to speak, he did, answering her questions.
"We actually had four courtyards total here…this is the smallest."
Beth nodded, breathing in deep. "Wow…it's beautiful. And so…so pretty and private…gosh…you could think for hours in here."
Philip nodded, crouching down to the ground, gently putting the materials down.
Yet Beth still felt awful as she was, again, reminded of just how much unnecessary trouble he was going to for her, and she said, "Oh…at least let me help you cook it…you're goin' to so much trouble for me, Philip…it's the least I could do…"
But he only gently shook his head. "No, Beth…believe me…don't worry about it. Please don't feel guilty about this…it's the least I could do for you."
At his words, Beth again fell silent, though it was difficult, and she simply watched him.
There indeed was a small stone fire pit on the ground, and plenty of kindling off to the side of it.
Watching him gather firewood, she bit her lip again, still so desperate to get him to open up to her…to confide in her just what was bothering him…
Yet she knew he wouldn't, and she tore her eyes away from his back, though it was difficult, and Beth simply looked at the pit again.
True, it certainly was not fancy…it was made of the same rough white stones that littered the courtyard…but she had to admire the craftsmanship, and just how flawlessly all of the stones were placed neatly, in perfect place… He likely had worked hours on this.
Speaking again, hoping he would gradually speak more the longer their visit lasted, Beth said, "Wow…that's really impressive, Philip…I could never build somethin' like that!"
She weakly laughed, and watched, her heart sinking, as he did not smile, as he normally would have…he simply came back, dropping lots of thin sticks and bigger pieces of dry wood into the center, adding to the large amount of dry wood that already resided there.
Philip said, "This could have been a lot better…but thank you. I just needed somethin' that would serve its purpose."
Beth nodded, still somewhat fascinated, and she slowly sank down to the ground, where a gray blanket had already been resting, close to the pit.
Sitting on it, Beth said, "Is this where you stargaze?"
Slowly he nodded, still working. "Sometimes…as you can see, I was far too lazy to remove the blanket. And normally I just go right smack dab in the middle of the town square and build a fire there…it's more open there."
Beth nodded, grateful that he had volunteered more information willingly…that his answer had not been as short as when she had first arrived…though she still noted, sadly, that his voice was still rather quiet.
Silently, she watched only in further fascination as, after a while, he had manually started the fire, the brilliant orange flames beautiful.
Slowly shaking her head, Beth said, "Goodness…I could never do anythin' like that either. Shawn always tried to teach me but I was always completely hopeless at it. Your divine powers truly amaze me, Philip!"
Again she laughed, hoping he would at least smile at her small joke, but Philip simply shook his head once again, his eye on the gradually growing, dancing flames.
"You really need to have more confidence in yourself, Beth."
Beth felt her cheeks violently warm and her stomach flip, and he suddenly looked at her at that moment, causing her to only blush further.
"Really…you do. You are far more intelligent and talented than you give yourself credit for."
At his gentle words, Beth did not know what to say. Her throat suddenly felt tight with emotion, and, to her further embarrassment, tears easily pricked her eyes. She prayed they would not fall. Her cheeks burned so deeply it felt as though she could easily burst into flames as his blue gaze continued to hold hers, even as disbelief churned through her at what he had just said…
All anyone ever saw, or ever would see, when they looked at her, was just a dead girl…she knew that…just a weak, useless girl who would die any day… who was just a burden in this world…a girl not fit to live in this world, and who should have died a long time ago…
And, sometimes, she even deluded herself into thinking that she was all right with the fact that, if God forbid, anything would ever happen to the prison, and they would all be separated, that Maggie would surely be more worried about Glenn…that Maggie wouldn't even be concerned about her at all over Glenn…that Maggie would surely think it ludicrous that she could survive outside the safety of the prison walls…
But deep down it hurt like nothing she had ever known. And somehow, the knowledge that someone else could truly think otherwise of her…that he could think otherwise of her…was so strange it was almost painful, even as it touched her deeply.
Slowly he shook his head, and without warning, he came closer to her.
"I'm so sorry, Beth…I didn't mean that in a bad…"
Still overcome, Beth simply grabbed his bandaged hand, ensuring she was as gentle as possible with it.
Slowly shaking her own head, Beth finally spoke.
"Oh…no…I…I know you didn't, Philip. Thank you. You…you truly don't know just how much that means to me."
Again, Beth's heart skipped as she realized just how close they were…and, Philip was certainly far warmer than the now crackling flames before them…but another icy wind hit, and Beth couldn't help shivering, breaking the spell.
Instantly he reacted, withdrawing his hand from her gentle hold, standing up, and Beth hated herself for having broken the connection.
"I'm so sorry…you must be freezing, even with the fire…I can go get you another blanket…"
Her cheeks violently flaming, a stark contrast to just how cold the rest of her body was just then, Beth hastily said, "Oh…Philip that's very sweet but I'm more than fine! Truly. Don't trouble yourself on my account."
Silently Philip looked at her, before gently nodding again and sitting down beside her again.
Moving, opening the can expertly with the opener, he gestured to the flames with his chin.
"And my divine powers, as you so kindly put it, Beth, are the result of having run out of matches weeks ago…though I think I like your explanation more."
Beth couldn't help weakly laughing again, and though he was still deadly serious and quiet, as he had been this whole time, she had to appreciate that he clearly had hoped to make her laugh with what he had just said…
Before long, he had balanced the pot far above the flames, and poured the soup in.
Beth simply watched, her eyes slowly, sorrowfully taking in his hand once again…the dark red blood…the angry black bruises and cuts…Goodness…what did he always do to himself?
But he looked at her, and she felt a jolt within her stomach.
"Hey…you all right?" he gently asked, another breeze blowing his brown hair, and Beth hastily nodded, her cheeks flaming once more in painful self-consciousness.
"Never better," she said, and Philip nodded, before turning his attention back to the soup.
Neither of them talked as it slowly cooked, yet it was almost soothing, in a sense…and, somehow, Beth felt more content and relaxed than she had in a long time.
Finally stirring it a few more times, Philip slowly got up, the scent of the soup appetizing.
"I'll go get you a bowl…it's almost done."
Biting her lip again in guilt, Beth thought, and then shyly said, "You…you should have some too, Philip. It's yours, and…goodness…I feel just awful…and you…you need it, too."
Beth again felt her heart thrum wildly in despair in her chest as she focused on just how thin he was…
Though, she innately knew that he would gently protest, insisting that it should all be hers…so she tried a different approach.
"Please…for me?"
Beth anxiously watched him, and Philip simply stared at her, his blue gaze making her stomach swirl, before she thought she saw a small shift in his eye…and finally he nodded.
"I'll be right back."
Beth smiled just a little, gladdened; but her smile fell as she watched his retreating back.
From seemingly nowhere, Patrick's words, from all of those many weeks ago, floated through her mind…
"He…he wasn't unkind, it's just…he didn't smile at all. He was just…really quiet when he spoke and I…I honestly get the feeling he wasn't feeling great either…but…like I said. He was…really, really nice, actually. It…It helped me a lot."
Yes…oh goodness yes. This was the exact same experience that she was having with Philip here today…the same experience that Patrick had had with him…what seemed so long ago now.
Her mind and pulse continuing to race, she absently moved just a bit closer to the fire, grateful for the warmth on her fingers as she rubbed her hands.
If only she could get him to open up…say just what it was that was bothering him…she would do absolutely anything to see him smile…anything and everything…
Beth bit her lip once more, but before long she jumped just a bit as Philip finally returned.
Again, she forced herself to smile, but it didn't reach her eyes.
Staring at him, she watched as he scooped two bowls full of soup; though she noticed, sadly, that he put far more soup into the bowl he ended up giving her than his own.
Gratefully, Beth accepted her bowl, grateful for the heavenly warmth for her hands.
"Thank you very much," she said softly, yet Philip looked at her.
"It's more than fine, Beth," he said, just as softly. "Please don't worry about it or feel guilty."
Beth nodded again, breathing in deep silently, waiting for the temperature to cool off somewhat.
And so, the rest of the time passed, the pair of them sitting in a peaceful silence, and Beth had to admit the soup was delicious, though the guilt still crushed her, and as she also noticed that Philip barely had any of his own.
Yet, before long, Beth knew that it was about that familiar time, and Philip gently spoke once again.
"I'll walk you out."
Beth stood, picking up her now empty bowl.
"Oh…at least let me wash the dishes for you before I leave…it won't take long at all…I actually always did like doin' that before this, though Maggie and Shawn always thought I was crazy…"
But Beth faltered, her nervous babbling ceasing, at the look Philip gave her.
He simply stared at her silently, expressionless, for a few heart-stopping moments…and finally gently shook his head again.
"No, Beth…don't be silly," he said, his words as kind as always. "Don't ever feel like you have to do anything like that for me."
Beth could not stop herself from blushing, and he clearly noticed, to her further embarrassment.
She thought she saw something like remorse, or concern, flicker briefly across his face, settle in his blue eye…yet Philip was still as dull as ever when he finally did speak, and Beth could not help but think that maybe she'd imagined it this one time.
"I'm so sorry…I didn't mean to embarrass you, Beth…"
Her blush only grew, but Beth hastily shook herself, averting her eyes from Philip in immense shyness, looking instead at the fire.
"No…Philip…I know you didn't…and I…gosh, I'm so sorry for bein' so annoying…I just have always liked helpin' people clean up and I…"
He too finally stood, making his way over to her. Beth's heart pounded, and she almost couldn't bear to look at him as she felt his gentle touch on her arm.
"Hey…look at me, please," he said softly, and finally she did, her face still burning profusely.
Philip held her gaze for what seemed hours, until finally speaking again.
"You're not annoying at all to me Beth…honestly. Please don't ever think that…but don't ever feel obligated to help me clean or do anything around here…I would never ask you to."
Beth's heart, now, positively hammered against her ribs at his proximity…his welcome warmth…icy invisible fingers gripped her lungs as another chilling breeze hit, causing her to inhale, yet again, his beautiful scent…
Slowly she nodded, and he gently took the bowl from her, their fingers brushing. Butterflies erupted in her stomach at the contact, and she had to wonder just how warm his arms would be just then…
Philip put the bowl down on the blanket, and he said, "I can take care of all that later…I don't mind at all."
Too soon, though, he had moved once again, ready to lead her out to the gate, and Beth shakily followed, the now dark gray clouds swirling up above them yet another cruel reminder that their visit was at an end for the week.
In silence they walked, before they finally reached the gate.
Philip moved to open it; yet, she grew surprised when he suddenly paused, one hand on it, seeming to falter.
Puzzled, Beth only grew more confused when, slowly, he turned back to her, coming closer.
He spoke slowly, staring at the ground, his eye still so full of that aching weight.
"And….hey…Beth…if you…next week, if you don't feel like comin'…that's more than fine with me. Believe me. Don't feel guilty at all if you don't want to. Take the week off. I insist."
But he trailed off, silent, finally looking at her yet again, and Beth felt sure his heart was surely bleeding inside of him.
Beth blinked, his words unexpected and confusing.
Oh…did he not want her to come next week? For some odd, unknown reason?
But of course he didn't…why would he?
But she shook herself slightly, focusing on his face again, making the hurt vanish as best she could. And, again, her heart throbbed at his private pain, and she could not help speaking softly.
"Philip…do you not…want me to come next week? Oh, but of course you don't…I…it's more than fine…I'll just see you in two weeks then…"
Beth was surprised to hear just how loud and forced her voice had gotten…how fast she was speaking now in contrast to when she had first replied to him…
Yet instantly, he shook his head yet again, gently moving closer to her, his warm hand once again on her arm. He squeezed once before releasing it.
"No…no Beth. I'm so sorry…I didn't mean I didn't…I'll see you next week."
Beth simply stared yet again, his words pulsing through her. She felt awful. Clearly he felt guilty…knew he had inadvertently hurt her feelings…
"No…oh no, Philip…I'm more than fine not comin' next week if that's what you want…"
And she wouldn't. As hard as it would be for her to endure one week without him, worrying about his wellbeing…if he did not want her to come next week for some reason she would not. But whatever the reason he wanted…needed…alone time for himself, she hoped he…
Yet…her thoughts died instantly as Philip spoke once again. Surprising her, he came closer and squeezed her arm gently once again…her heart skipped, as it always did whenever he touched her.
His one eye never left her face as he said his words, quietly and gently. The sincerity of his words hit her more than anything, however.
"Beth…believe me…it's more than fine. I'll see you next week. You don't have to feel guilty about comin' next week…please don't."
His gaze held hers, and her face burned furiously. Beth hated herself for being so transparent, and she innately knew that he had said she could come next week simply because he had known she had been hurt by his desire for solitude…need for…
She didn't know what else, but Beth felt even worse at his politeness…she felt, now, that she would surely be intruding on him next week…surely unwanted…
Yet…as selfish as she felt just then, Philip's expression and tone brooked no gentle argument or protest, and suddenly, Beth felt one of her worries melt instantly.
No…for some odd reason…Philip didn't find her annoying, or a nuisance, or too weak and pathetic to spend time with…and the only reason he had asked to be alone next week had nothing at all to do with her…it hadn't…
She hardly knew why he didn't think those things of her, but in that moment, she finally knew that all of that was absolutely, miraculously true… And she would be able to be confident in those thoughts for at least the remaining hours of today…
Slowly Beth nodded, another cold breeze blowing his hair and their clothes.
"Al…alright. Th…thank you…I…"
Beth paused, wanting to say more, but she hardly knew how to just then.
Philip shook his head, finally releasing his gentle hold on her arm, and softly said, "Don't be, Beth. It's more than all right."
Beth nodded once again, before biting her lip, moving closer to him. Her heart banged against her ribs, and she could feel her color rising rapidly, her legs weak, but she gently grabbed hold of his injured hand.
Gently squeezing, Beth sadly said, "Philip…please…have a good night, alright? Take care of yourself."
Philip simply stared, but he nodded. "You as well, Beth."
Beth nodded herself, and slowly released his hand, letting her own instead trail a little farther up his wrist. The brown band of his watch was a little rough under her fingers, and gently she squeezed again, his pulse so, so calm compared to her own violently racing one.
Now it seemed the cold wind was only skeletal fingers cruelly squeezing her throat, robbing her of the ability to speak as she looked at him…
But Beth was able to ignore the cold, his ready, welcome warmth, and his pulse, beautiful reminders that Philip was still alive…not dead…
Beth's cheeks burned even further at the feel of him…his wrist so warm compared to just how cold she felt, both inside and out just then…
Philip still was simply looking at her, though not unkindly as always, and Beth simply spoke.
Gently she squeezed his wrist a little harder. "Please…just take care of yourself, Philip…and sweet dreams."
Again he nodded, and Beth, satisfied, nodded her own head and slowly released him.
Philip moved to open the gate then, and it was as though he was a magnet to her eyes, the sight of his injured hand commanding her vision.
The intense dread she felt as she once again looked at it, her heart hurting, was unlike anything she had ever felt before from the awful sight.
But too soon, Philip had turned back to her, and she made herself smile as best she could.
Gently inclining his head to her, he said, "Have a wonderful week, Beth."
Beth finally moved, nodding shyly at him as she passed him, her knees still just a little weak, and finally walked out.
The cold wind assaulted her once again, blowing her ponytail messily, but Beth registered nothing.
Beth could only sit, her pulse racing and stomach twisting in nervousness, barely able to taste the delicious deer they were all happily feasting on.
The happy words of Sasha, Rick, Maggie, Glenn, Daryl, Bob, and Tyreese at their little dinner table were indistinguishable to her…
All she could see was Philip…goodness…oh, she hoped he wouldn't harm himself further tonight…wasn't hurting too badly tonight…
But she knew, sadly, that he was…he surely was.
If it were only possible, Beth would gladly have spent the evening with him, if only to offer him some comfort and company…
Her heart still hammered as she pictured him, and Beth honestly wished there were a way that she could see him tonight…offer him comfort…see him with her own two eyes and know that Philip was not further injured…
But it wasn't…it wasn't…and her heart twisted further in pain.
Thinking again of their visit, his words, this time, as she thought of them, made her start, her heart twisting painfully and cruelly…
"And….hey…Beth…if you…next week, if you don't feel like comin'…that's more than fine with me. Believe me. Don't feel guilty at all if you don't want to. Take the week off. I insist."
Oh…how could she have missed it? Maybe he had been planning to…to…
But she could not let herself finish her thought…
But then Beth breathed in deep. No…oh, goodness no…
Shaking herself, she bit her lip. The tension in her stomach muscles eased somewhat.
No…somehow she knew that Philip had not been planning to end his life…that much she knew. She was being ridiculous…
But her heart still bled for him, and her insides crumbled once again with sadness and anxiety as she thought of his injured hand…
Goodness…she hoped he slept well tonight, and would have a wonderful week…
And…when she saw him next week…he would be feeling better…even just a little bit…
Beth's heart lightening from her positive thoughts, she picked up her fork and ate once again, now able to taste.
Beth lay on her cot, fingering her mother's necklace for comfort. Philip flashed before her eyes, and another powerful wave of anxiety strangled her heart for just one moment.
The need to see him…be near him…touch him…comfort him…know he was well… to have him touch her…was more consuming than anything in that moment…but Beth simply squeezed her eyes shut, painfully aware of just how impossible that was just now.
Eventually sleep claimed her, and she welcomed it.
The fire was warm beside them, and Beth was grateful for the crackling flames, as it was so cold and dismal outside…
The furious storm was still raging, the moon full tonight, but they were wonderfully safe just then in his apartment; safe from Walkers and the elements, the door wonderfully barricaded from the inside…
Beth's heart hammered furiously against her ribs, her blush rapidly growing, as Philip gently touched her burning cheek with his thumb.
Beth was grateful for the wall behind her, wonderfully holding her up, deathly afraid she would fall, her legs felt so weak just then. In fact, her legs felt just like jelly, embarrassing her all the more, but she knew Philip would never let her fall…
But Philip was looking at her so gently…and so tenderly…that she felt most of her fear vanish. No…of course she wasn't afraid that he would hurt her…she knew he never would…
No…She simply was afraid of the unknown…simply afraid that she would disappoint him…simply afraid of the pain she knew she would face…
She had never done this before, but Beth knew with her whole heart that she wanted to do this with him…she knew that with her whole heart…
Softly he spoke, sending even more flutters through her stomach from just how concerned he looked for her.
"Are you sure you want to, Beth? We don't have to at all if you're not…"
She couldn't help hastily nodding, reaching up to grab his hand that was now cradling her burning right cheek with her own shaking one.
"No…no, Philip. I am…more than anything in the world…I just want you to make love to me…with all of my heart… I…goodness…in fact, I…I don't think I've ever wanted anything so much," she said seriously.
Beth bit her lip nervously as she awaited his response, her blush only growing deeper from her words…but she hoped her eyes were conveying just how serious she was, and thankfully, he soon nodded.
"Okay," Philip whispered, and he let his hand gently trail down her cheek, before gently grazing her bottom lip, and then finally kissing her once more…
Beth absolutely melted into his kiss, her body thoroughly breaking, leaning heavily against the wall…the butterflies in her stomach were threatening to tear her stomach lining, and her knees felt even weaker…she felt so warm and shivery, and she could feel her crimson blush monumentally growing…goodness…she had never felt so loved and alive since the end of the world had hit…
Too soon, they broke apart, and he spoke again, his one blue eye gently roaming her face.
"You're so beautiful, Beth," Philip said, causing her blush to grow. "And don't worry…we'll take it slow."
Beth shyly smiled, nodding. "I…I know. But goodness…and here I was kind of hopin' you would just ravish me," she said, hoping he would laugh at her joke, though secretly part of her did want that…more than anything…
Gently Philip smiled just a little, the beautiful sight making her heart skip.
"All in good time," he said softly, causing her to blush even harder.
He returned his hand to her face, and now Beth felt her smile fall, her anxiety and nerves cruelly returning.
She trusted him…she trusted him more than anything…she knew Philip would never hurt her…but she still could not help being afraid.
"You don't have to be afraid, Beth," he said softly. "And you won't disappoint me."
Beth bit her swollen bottom lip again, her blush deepening.
She could only nod, wishing she could believe him.
Gently, Philip leaned in and kissed her once again, so tenderly and lovingly and deeply it helped distract her from her worry for just one sweet moment.
And, as it went on, through the haze of happiness that was swirling inside of her, gradually their clothing fell away, until he had finally removed all of his and her own.
Beth's stomach swirled cruelly in self-consciousness. Her blush was so hot she felt she could easily burst into flames.
Philip reached out to stroke her burning cheek. His eye took in her blush sadly before he settled his vision on her eyes.
"Hey," he said softly, concern and softness evident on his face. "Beth…believe me…you're beautiful in every single way to me…inside and out…and you never have to be embarrassed in front of me."
His sweet sincerity struck her more than anything, and Beth nodded.
Slowly, her blush only deepening, she simply looked at him. Her heart skipped.
Goodness…he was beautiful…
And he was perfection…from the hair that grew on his lean, muscled chest all the way down to the dark hair that curled between his legs…
Beth did not think that she had ever seen a more beautiful sight in all her life…
But her shy enjoyment of him was cut off as he spoke again.
"Beth…you're more than beautiful," he said gently and sweetly, his eye slowly roaming down her body reverently before resting on her face once again. "And you should have no reason to think otherwise."
Relief flowed through her, and Beth's cheeks bloomed even deeper from his sweet words and appraisal of her; she knew that he, miraculously, truly did find her beautiful…though she still could not understand how.
Despite her embarrassment and nerves, she couldn't help smiling just a little, shyly threading her fingers, finally, in his soft chest hair.
Yet her smile fell again as she looked at him once again, locking her eyes with his one.
Biting her lip again, Beth then said, "I…I just don't want to disappoint you…I…"
Philip wordlessly shook his head, his words almost a whisper when he finally did speak again.
"You never could, Beth," he said, making tears prick her eyes, before he finally leaned in and kissed her once again…
And now, words were lost…Beth was simply lost in his gentle kisses and caresses, and as it went on, both of them were oblivious to even the violent thunder outside…
Beth could not help gasping in shock when she felt his warm, gentle touch between her legs, expertly circling her center…but though blood violently stained her cheeks, even her embarrassment was almost forgotten at the intense pleasure he was causing her…
She could only moan Philip's name, completely in heaven… his gentle kisses on her neck were pure ecstasy, before finally knowing she was more than ready for him at last.
Her returning fear stabbed her stomach cruelly; but Beth made herself ignore it as best she could.
Philip kissed her once again, rather shorter and rougher than before, his own pulse racing to match hers, before he pulled back, caressing her cheek once again, looking deep into her eyes.
Again, his expression was filled with the utmost gentleness…so much so that it made her heart melt.
"Are you ready for me, Beth?" he softly asked. "Don't feel like you have to rush yourself…"
Beth nodded, and she said, "I…I am."
Philip held her gaze for what seemed hours, before he finally nodded again, kissing her deeply.
And, through her euphoria, she felt him pressing hard against her, and, then, he slowly, gently entered her, though she couldn't help hastily breaking the kiss, gasping, tears burning her eyes.
The pain was one thousand times worse than she'd ever imagined…sharp and deep and agony…but she was soothed as Philip gently kissed and wiped her tears away, only remorse on his face.
"I'm so sorry, Beth," he whispered brokenly, but Beth hastened to open her eyes.
"No…no," she said. "Don't be…it wasn't your fault…I…I just need some time, is all."
Philip nodded. "Take all the time you need."
Beth nodded again, and was grateful that he kissed her again just then…she needed that beauty to distract her from her pain…
She simply leaned her head harder against the wall, grateful that both Philip and the wall were holding her up…and let herself relax. Beth willed her weak body to adjust to him.
The feeling was foreign and odd and yet somehow so wonderful…and even her pain was worth it, just to have Philip inside her…
Eventually, however, Beth finally felt ready to have him move…and she asked him with her eyes.
It was clear Philip saw just how badly she wanted it, as he kissed her once again, before gently beginning to.
Oh…it hurt, yes…Beth could not help wincing…but eventually, the pain gradually began to make way for a much different feeling…the most wonderful feeling she had ever felt…and before long, even the twinges of pain she was feeling were worth it…
His deep kisses were bliss, and the feel of his warm hands all over her body was medicine to her heart…and Philip's gentle utterances of just how beautiful she was and just how much he loved her were bandages to the scars on her soul…
His name was all she could utter, and every single moment she felt happier and more loved than she had in months…more complete…
Beth wished this could go on forever…that she and Philip could simply stay like this forever, while the whole entire world burned around them…
Cruelly, too soon, it was finally over, but Beth eagerly accepted another long kiss from him, both of them more than eager until the moment he would finally be ready again…
Beth latched her fingers weakly in his soft brown hair, his mouth gently moving to suck on her neck once again…
Beth hastily awoke from her dream, blushing crimson. Her legs weak, she got up.
Her blankets fell on the floor, but she did not care. Thinking of Philip again, her anxiety from earlier only returned in crippling levels, and she pulled on her sweatshirt, desperately needing some air.
Shakily she ran outside, the moon round and bright above her. She ran down to the familiar patch of fence where she so often found solace, and leaned back against it, the coldness of the winds strangely doing nothing to cool the heat in her cheeks.
She was more than aware of what she had dreamt, but her dream did not scare her, as it would have early on
If she was honest, it had been more than enjoyable…her blush deepened, but she knew it had been.
But her dream was second compared to her anxiety concerning Philip…
Her heart breaking once again, Beth closed her eyes and simply thought of him.
Oh…it was impossible…would be impossible…but Beth wanted nothing more than to be at his side at that very moment…
To gain confirmation that he was safe and well…to gain confirmation that Philip had not harmed himself further…
And…to simply feel happy and alive herself…
Biting her bottom lip, Beth's blush only grew, but she could not deny it.
It would be heaven itself to simply be with him right now…to simply be talking with him…or maybe watching the stars…
Or…as she pictured being in his warm arms…her heart skipped…
It would be heaven to simply have him hold her…
She could not deny that either; could not deny any of it.
Beth knew that she did want all of that with Philip…yet just what it meant, she did not know.
Biting her bottom lip again, the awful sight of his poor injured hand hit her again, and she could not stop the intense wave of panic and longing that she had kept buried deep within her.
Breathing in deep, leaning back against the fence more, she watched the white moon and the stars. Eventually she settled her attention on the dark shapes of trees swaying in the wind, but even they vanished.
Beth lifted her hands to her face, numbly feeling the coldness of her fingers.
Her sleeves rolled up just a little, and she removed her hands from her face, rolling up her sleeves entirely.
Her skin glowed almost ghostly pale in the light of the moon, her scars cruelly illuminated just then, and it was almost as though they were smirking at her.
Beth looked at the scars on her wrists, her cheeks once again burning in violent mortification at just how ugly they were, and as she thought of what she had tried to do to herself…but she only breathed in deep, averting her eyes from them, and tightened her ponytail, which was blowing loosely in the wind.
She knew it better than anyone…only intense emotional trauma and pain could drive a person to harm themselves…and she knew, instinctively, that was what Philip was doing to himself…her heart turned as she thought of it even more.
Beth felt so helpless, again feeling that weak flighty feeling in her legs and that intense urge to run all the way to him…
She could still feel his warm hand in hers…the feel of his wrist…the feel of his pulse, and the roughness of his watch…
Oh…goodness…if only she could be with him right now. She'd do absolutely anything and everything to make him smile…get him to open up…
And, she'd kiss his bruises away…make him feel as not alone as best she could…
Heat flooding her cheeks again, Beth couldn't deny any of that.
But she breathed in deeply again, closing her eyes, concentrating and letting out all of her anxiety as best she could when she finally exhaled.
Sadly, there was nothing that could be done…she would just have to wait until next week to see him. And try and not let her fear get the best of her.
Yet Beth knew that would be a very long battle.
Shaking her head, willing herself to not think of how worried she felt, her dream flashed before her, and her blush returned.
Yes…yes out here she could finally admit it to herself…
Along with everything else she wanted with him…she wanted that as well with Philip…she knew she did…
Opening her eyes again, Beth ignored the swooping in her stomach as best she could as she watched a small number of bats fly high in the distance.
Her face blooming once more, she knew she did want that…though it was a most secret and private, embarrassing admission…she knew she did.
Beth didn't know what it meant…what any of what she wanted with him meant…but all she knew was she wanted all of that with him.
Beth watched the bats noisily fly off into the distance, before finally moving. Her short, dazed stroll around the grounds did nothing to calm her anxiety.
Beth sat, the next afternoon, on a red blanket outside, the wind cold and the gray sky as mournful and lonely as she felt inside.
Though it was cold outdoors, she needed the fresh air. She had just put Judith down for her nap, and this saddened Beth, because not only did she always adore caring for and spending time with the adorable baby, she also would gladly have welcomed the distraction today.
She sighed, absently picking grass again. The soft yellow booties and new yellow teddy bear patterned nightgown she had been knitting for Judith lay beside her, almost finished, along with the needles. She had just needed a break, however, and the whole time she had been knitting, only thoughts of Philip had been entering her mind. Yet she grew startled when she heard footsteps behind her, before her visitor finally spoke.
Instantly growing relieved, Beth could not stop a small, genuine smile from lighting up her face as her father slowly sank down beside her, two glass mugs in his hands.
Eyeing him carefully and anxiously as he lowered himself to sit on the red woolen blanket beside her, her fingers fluttery and ever eager to assist Hershel should he stumble on account of his new prosthetic leg, thankfully he sat without incident or pain, and relief flowed through Beth.
Hershel smiled. "I thought I would surprise you with some company, dear. I was lonely, and you looked lonely, and I figured we could be lonely together."
Beth faintly smiled again at her father's immense sweetness. He always knew how to make her feel better somehow, though Beth still was feeling more than miserable and near faint with worry.
Most everybody was gone yet again on a major supply run, and as it was almost dinner time, Beth was grateful they would soon be back.
Hershel gently handed Beth her own mug.
Grateful for the warmth on her hands, Beth didn't have to even smell it, as she already identified what it was just from the color.
Hershel spoke again. "Raspberry mint tea. God bless your mother for getting me hooked on this, and insisting I try it, even when I was sure I wouldn't like it. Well, of course she was right. She was always right."
Beth softly laughed. "Mama definitely was," she said, and she couldn't help closing her eyes, savoring the familiar scent of the tea she and her mother had always loved before the apocalypse.
A jolt of sadness tore through Beth, but the tea also was just like a comforting little hug from her mother, as well as a heartbreaking reminder.
Beth simply drank, her eyes still closed, gripping the mug even tighter as she saw Philip's gruesome injuries to his hand.
She opened her eyes, setting the mug down, and she saw her father drink out of the corner of her eye, before she felt him turn his worried eyes on her.
She flushed under his scrutiny, sure he would certainly know the true reason for her behavior…but she was soothed as he gently touched her cheek, setting his own mug down, before moving closer to her.
"Oh, sweetheart…you're far too selfless for your own good…and you never want to tell others when you're upset, for fear you mistakenly think you'll be burdening them, which isn't the case at all…I can tell something is bothering you. And a young woman as good and sweet as you are should never have cause to be unhappy, or ever deserve to be…when you're sad, Bethie, it breaks the hearts of anyone who has to witness your pain. Please…you can tell me anything."
Beth's eyes easily watered at the sweetness of her father's kind words, and at his compassion…but she could not bear to look at him, as her blush only deepened as she thought of Philip further. And as her heart began to wildly hammer against her ribs.
No…no she could not ever tell her father this secret…never…and Beth secretly feared even he would think there was something wrong with her if ever he discovered it.
Hastily shaking her head, she softly said, "I…oh…it's nothin' Daddy…believe me…"
But she knew Hershel was not convinced, as he soon gently inquired again.
"Oh, Bethie…I should have known. You're not still thinking of those two awful men we all had to encounter that night when Rick and Daryl were on watch, are you? Oh…"
Yet, at the sudden reminder, Beth could not help flinching at the memory, the one she had, wonderfully, been able to surprisingly banish relatively easily, and she only saw great remorse on her father's face as she finally lifted her eyes to his.
"I'm so sorry, Bethie, for making you relive that and bringing it up for you again…I forgot, momentarily, how strong you are…please forgive me. I can see it isn't that."
Beth could not help quickly kissing his cheek, her heart breaking at the sight of her father's grave guilt.
"Oh, Daddy…don't blame yourself. You didn't do anything wrong! And I…oh…that entire night shook me so badly, and the…the memory always will…but I…I know we all are safe here. Truly."
Hershel simply looked at her, before nodding. "Believe me…it shook all of us. I…I went to bed that night and I could not sleep, the visions of what that man told us about his camp were so awful for me…and all I could think of was their group…a group like that…taking you and Maggie away from me…I couldn't bear it."
Beth could not staunch the new floods of tears in her eyes that arose at her father's declaration and confession.
"Oh, Daddy…that…that'll never happen! You'll…you'll always have me and Maggie!"
She threw herself at her father and wrapped her arms around him in a hug, more than soothed at the feel of her father's heartbeat, and as he wrapped his own arms tightly around her and squeezed her gently.
"Oh, Bethie…I honestly don't know what I would do without you and Maggie…you both are my whole world."
Beth pulled back, a tear finally rolling down her cheek, and as she watched him struggle to keep his own emotions in check.
Hershel tenderly wiped her tear away, and finally spoke again, his ponytail flowing in the breeze, as her own was.
"Sweetheart…I want you to know something…know it from the bottom of my heart…I know I won't live forever…I know that. But I also know that you are so kindhearted and sensitive that people will no doubt be so cruel to you in life, Bethie…simply because they want to crush you…want to break your heart simply because they're cruel… and break your heart they will, Bethie. Especially the way this world is now…and I wish I could spare you all of that horrendous pain and heartbreak…if I could die right now to spare you from all of that I would…but I want you to know this, Bethie…no matter what insults anybody ever calls you…no matter how harshly they may treat you…how cruelly…I will always love you, whether I'm breathing or not. You may not be outgoing and physical like Maggie is, but you are not weak, or pathetic…you are the strongest, sweetest woman I know. You're my little girl."
Beth could not help more tears from falling, and she reached up and wiped Hershel's own tears away.
"Oh, Daddy," she whispered. "I love you so much."
Hershel pulled her back into another hug, and together they stayed that way for several minutes, before finally breaking apart.
Beth wiped away the last of her tears and picked up her tea, drinking deeply.
Though, Hershel still looked just as concerned as he had before, and Beth could not help blushing deeply yet again at his gentle gaze.
She held her mug, cradling it in her hands, averting her eyes to look up at the gray, dour sky.
Silence seemed to last hours, and she could still feel her father's eyes on her.
Finally, Beth felt him look away, before he finally spoke again, not looking at her.
"I'm so sorry, Bethie…so sorry for the pain and fear and painful memories this no doubt will cause you…but I must ask…is it him?"
She looked quickly at him again. Beth's heart stopped, as she knew, instantly, the 'him' that her father was speaking of…and her suspicion was only confirmed at the look of such gentle guilt and compassion on her father's face…
She knew her eyes had widened, and she could only stare at her father, her tongue lead.
Hershel gently rubbed her hand, as it seemed he had mistaken her reaction for fear.
"Oh…Bethie…I…believe me…I know just how much damage The Governor caused us…how evil and how much of a monster he is…but I honestly think we have nothing to fear from him ever again…the trail went cold. And, honestly…perhaps he's buried himself thoroughly by now. Types like his always do."
Beth could not help biting her lip, her stomach sinking in intense sadness.
Even you, Daddy? Goodness…even her father clearly thought there could never be anything but evil in Philip's soul…
On the one hand, however, of course she understood why her father thought he was only evil and a monster…however could she not? Why, it was exactly what she had once thought herself so very long ago. But…her father was thinking of a completely different Philip than she was…and he was thinking of the wrong one…
Beth could not contain the wave of heartbreak that stabbed her as she pictured Philip's expression if he could only have witnessed what her father had just said about him…
Hershel moved his hand up to her arm, rubbing soothingly. "Truly, sweetheart…the trail went cold months ago…"
Beth forced herself to nod. Oh, she knew full well how it had…
Before she had started her supply runs, Michonne had been relentless…departing at dawn on horseback every day for five months straight and not coming back until very late at night, searching for him. But, always…to no avail. Beth remembered those days…Hershel in particular had always tried to dissuade her from going, and the katana wielder had always gotten irate and even pulled her katana on Tyreese when he had attempted to stop her one morning from going, saying it was pointless…
And…remembering what Philip had told her on the day of their very first meeting…how Martinez and Shumpert had abandoned him…clearly the three of them had been out God only knew where for five consecutive months before they had finally left him…had enough of him.
It had been Hershel, finally, who had gotten through to Michonne and got her to stop searching…but she had not been happy about it.
And…that day when they had brought all the Woodbury people back to the prison, so very long ago…Rick and the others had all looked through Woodbury for useful things, and then, afterward, they had agreed to simply leave the empty town to stand, abandoned, forever.
Woodbury was in the far opposite direction of the prison, and all the usual stores and places they went to for supply runs…almost in its own private world…and so, it seemed, everyone had successfully put the days of The Governor's wrath behind them.
It brought Beth relief, however, that the others did not know Philip was back…and she prayed they never would find out, though she knew that was a very slim possibility indeed…and even rather impossible, considering Woodbury, of course, was very much out of the way of everything useful.
But, realizing her father was still staring at her, Beth hastily nodded her head yet again and said, "Oh, Daddy…I…I know…I'm not worried anymore…I…"
She paused before asking her question, dreading her father's answer.
"But, I…I know how strange this will sound…be…believe me…but…do you…do you ever feel there…there could be hope for him?"
Beth looked again at her father, her stomach swirling, and again, her heart sank at his answer.
Hershel crinkled his eyes in compassion yet again, before rubbing her arm soothingly.
Pulling away, Hershel breathed in deep, looking at the sky himself.
"You are the embodiment of your mother, Bethie. You have all her compassion and selflessness…but…I have thought of that man every single day since we encountered him…and I honestly have to say no. He is only pure darkness and evil, and while I always like to find the good in others…raise them up instead of putting them down…I simply cannot see that there could ever be light in his uncaring soul."
Beth forced herself to nod, her heart breaking in her chest at her father's words. Even her daddy would think she would need to have her head examined if he ever truly discovered how she felt about him…how she had forgiven Philip…
But thankfully Hershel spoke again, saving her from having to speak again. Yet his rather upbeat change in conversation did not cause Beth to smile, as it normally could have.
"Your embroidery is so wonderful, Bethie," he said, smiling gently as he picked up the booties. "You truly could have made a career out of it."
Beth nodded silently again, her father's words about Philip still ringing inside of her, and suddenly she felt more drained than she ever had.
She finally leaned her head on her father's shoulder, and they stayed like that in a peaceful silence for some time.
Yet, through it all, Beth could only see Philip…
Suddenly, however, they heard engines roaring, and it was clear the supply run group was back.
Beth grew startled, however, when the group finally dispersed back through the gate into the grounds, at the sight of Sasha running towards her, a jubilant smile on her face.
Despite her worry and heartbreak, Beth could not stop the small smile that formed on her face at the sight of the beautiful sparkling diamond on Sasha's finger.
"Beth!" she screeched, happiness emanating out of every single pore. "He did it! He finally did it! Bob finally asked me to marry him today!"
Looking sideways at Hershel, guilt flooding her for potentially leaving her father alone again, Beth saw only tenderness on her father's face.
"You girls go, and have a good time. Don't let an old goat like myself stop you."
Beth could not help the weak laugh that bubbled up at her father's insult towards himself, and gently kissed his cheek, his generous white beard scratching her face.
"Thanks, Daddy," she whispered, before finally getting up.
Ecstatically, Sasha hugged her, and before long, the two of them were headed back into the prison, toward Sasha's cell.
But, before entering the prison, as she admired the engagement ring on Sasha's finger more closely, Beth could not stop her smile from falling as Sasha's hand suddenly faded from her view, replaced instead by Philip's injured one.