Hello! If anyone is still miraculously interested in this story after all of this time, I sincerely hope you enjoy this update.
Also, I am sorry for not updating in so long, but I haven't watched TWD since season eight. I will eventually finish it on Netflix, though it's not high on my list of tv shows to watch. I do miss how good it was in the early seasons. Truthfully I enjoyed season eight, but all my favorite characters are either dead or just not on the show anymore...Rick, Philip, Beth, Glenn, Dwight, Sasha, Bob, and Hershel, in particular. Also I know this story is a slow burn, and it's a slog I'm sure to read! Sorry about that. :(
Finally, though, a little bit of a disclaimer: Now that we are finally on the cusp of this finally turning into a romance, when I say I loved Philip/The Governor, I don't mean the evil despicable man he was in season three. Truthfully I didn't care much for that man, though I never hated him. But I personally loved what they did with him in season four, despite how sadly brief it was. And I personally think that was the real Philip: the one who was so sweet to Meghan, the one who loved Lilly, the one who was so afraid of what was inside him, cowering in the RV...the one who would never say it but you could tell by his facial expressions he knew he had been horrible when he was in charge, and the one who begged Lilly to leave, because he was so afraid of what was inside him.
I believe it was rather incongruous when he killed Hershel, though I know they were following the comics. And when he killed Martinez and Pete. I didn't care for that Philip, but I still think the 'real' Philip was the one who did all those things I mentioned above in the above paragraph. I have no doubt the writers would have killed him but I wish it had happened with him redeemed.
And that Philip is what Beth is going to get in this story, the redeemed one. And I know in real life, a pairing such as this would be unrealistic and unhealthy. I know this pairing is controversial for good reason. But I just love both characters so much and the idea of them, though I know I'm weird for that! I hope it comes across as even semi-believable that Beth could fall for him. I do my best.
Also sorry for the long chapter; this will be the last painfully long one. But there is no moving forward with these two without confronting his past, and the man he once was, and that is what this chapter is. Enjoy! And if you don't, feel free to tell me! :)
Her heart in her throat, Beth simply bit her lip and swallowed hard, summoning her courage, and knocked on his door, her stomach taut with nerves.
Oh…it was finally here…the day of her next meeting with him…the entire previous week had gone by in a blur for her, and now she simultaneously felt a strange mixture of deep relief she was finally with him again, and that same fear for what she might find when he finally did open the door.
She looked around her, breathing in deep as she waited for him to answer, the cold wind blowing her hair.
The sky was angry and gray today, and absently she made herself take in the trees, and the glittering stones in the courtyard, and the tree branches high up above swaying in the breeze, trying to calm herself.
She had been thinking of this day the entirety of last week, and she knew there was no turning back now, no matter what.
Oh…she would finally discover what had been a cruel weight on him last week…finally unravel the mystery that had kept her up every night…and it was almost too miraculous to believe…
As Beth waited more, she closed her eyes and breathed in deep, trying to quell the butterflies in her stomach. She pulled her black jacket with white fleece inside tighter around her, hugging her arms to herself, grateful for the warmth.
They seemed to be in the midst of a cold spell that refused to give way. Beth longed for the normal heat and sunshine of Georgia more and more each day, it seemed.
But even the cold weather paled in comparison to her nerves, those usual butterflies in her stomach growing stronger every second…
And, as she suddenly heard footsteps, his heavy unmistakable tread, she could not ignore just how her heart skipped…
Finally, Philip did open the door, and as she finally looked at him, she could not ignore the deep relief that absolutely flooded her body, even as her stomach dropped in both nerves and concern.
He was dressed in black pants and a long-sleeve gray button-down shirt, the sleeves rolled up just so, and he gently nodded in greeting.
"Hello Beth," he said, inclining his head to her.
Beth simply looked at him for a few moments before responding, knowing her face was only conveying sadness and concern.
"Hello Philip," she said softly. "How…how've you been?"
Yet, oh…she knew the answer…
Sadly she took in his face, that awful aching weight still present from last week in his eye.
Slowly, her eyes wandered down his form.
His hand was freshly bandaged, dark red blood seeping through it.
She bit her lip at the sight, and she noticed he was holding a bottle of dark brown bourbon, the rather large bottle now only half full. And she could not ignore just how her heart thoroughly broke at the sight…
Yes…oh, he smelled clean, as usual…but the scent of the alcohol was too strong to ignore.
Slowly he nodded. "I managed to find this on a run, luckily," he said softly. He held the bottle up in the air for just one moment.
Beth could only stare solemnly, and then he gestured with his head.
"Please come in, Beth," he said, thinking of her, as always. "It's far too cold out today."
Beth softly nodded her head in thanks, speaking softly. "Thank you Philip," she said as she entered.
He gently shook his head as he held the door wider for her, and as he closed it behind her.
"It's no trouble at all," he said softly.
Beth bit her lip, solemnly taking in the room, even the warmth she was grateful for fading in that moment.
She noted, sadly, that there was broken glass on the floor, the scent of alcohol pungent and strong, and that there was even some blood on the floor.
Yet…despite all of that, the rest of the room looked rather orderly and normal, though his bed was just a little messy.
Softly she looked at him, unspeaking for quite awhile, trying to gather her words, understanding pulsing through her, even though he hadn't confirmed it yet.
"Oh, Philip…have you been up the whole night? Goodness…you honestly look as though you haven't slept for two…and I'm so sorry for the awful week you clearly have been having…"
But her words suddenly died in her throat as she looked at him, and he looked at her.
He was silent for just a few moments, before speaking finally.
"I apologize for the mess…I'll clean it up later. Please don't worry about that, Beth."
Yet they both stood in silence for just a few moments more, Beth's heart sinking ever lower and her eyes conveying just more sadness for him.
He looked at the floor briefly before speaking his next words.
"It…it would have been Penny's eighth birthday today."
Her insides crumbling even more for him, Beth simply gingerly walked over and touched his warm arm. She squeezed it sympathetically, and they just stood in silence for awhile.
"Oh, Philip…I…I'm so sorry…"
Yet words failed her in that moment for just awhile, and Beth could only think solemnly.
Oh goodness…of course…yet…oh, how could she ever say anything worthwhile enough to that? How could anyone?
And yet…as always when she was faced with people's pain, the perfect words did come to Beth.
"Oh, Philip," she breathed, now rubbing his arm gently. "I'm so sorry…words could never express how much…and I know your heart is just bleeding inside of you and positively hemorrhaging…but you loved her very much and you were the best father to her…even I know that, though I wasn't there. And it wasn't your fault what happened to her…I swear it. It wasn't."
Her gaze sadly held his, imploring him to believe her words, and he just silently looked at her.
It seemed years could have passed, but the silence was oddly comfortable.
Finally he gently nodded, looking at her. "Thank you."
Beth nodded, her heart still thumping. "No need, Philip…But…come on," she gently said, squeezing his warm arm one more time before finally releasing it.
She gently motioned with her head. "Let's go sit over there, on the fireplace ledge."
Beth looked at him again, and she was relieved when he gently nodded.
Beth walked with him across the spacious room, making sure to avoid the glass, yet sadly taking it all in, along with the blood. Truthfully she longed to clean it all up for him, yet she knew that could wait. And that he wouldn't let her.
Before long they were seated on the gray stone ledge, and Beth turned to him, helplessly unable to ignore how her heart sank in sorrow for him when he took another long drink.
Breathing in deep before speaking, gathering her courage, she placed her hands on her knees and took in the entire room again, before speaking her next words, turning back to him.
Beth gently said, "And…oh goodness, Philip…is this…is this the room and apartment where she was killed?"
She gently bit her lip, and Philip silently looked at her, his blue eye serious yet kind…thankfully he was not angry or upset that she had asked…though she got the distinct feeling he could never be angry with her.
Slowly he shook his head, his gaze moving from her to the expanse of the room.
"No…no it's not…Nor is it the room where I kept them. I…I have my living quarters when I was in charge of Woodbury completely walled off, barricaded…I don't dare go near that apartment."
Them…Oh goodness… Beth could not help the sudden sick feeling that overcame her, nausea threatening to overcome her. She could not hide her small flinch, hastily closing her eyes, her hands beginning to shake just a little.
She could not help her small tremble…picturing the disembodied zombie heads was just too horrifying and bloodcurdling, as well as unsettling and inhumane…
Yet she breathed in deep, gulping softly, before turning back to him.
And, through her distinct discomfort, Beth was thoroughly unable to block out how he had clearly noticed her inner turmoil, and she could not help blushing in self-consciousness.
Above all, he looked concerned for her…his expression beyond sympathetic…and he could not hide his own soft grimace of remorse at her fear, before it faded.
"Beth…believe me…you…you don't have to worry about that…you are nowhere near the same apartment where I lived, and nowhere near where I kept the heads and Penny…I wouldn't subject you to that."
Beth shakily nodded, knowing he was absolutely sincere…yet still unable to shake the sick feeling that was positively roiling through her as she imagined the tanks…him watching them for hours for his entertainment…
She honestly had to avert her eyes, as she shakily breathed in deep and dug her nails into her thighs.
It took several moments, before she finally felt it begin to ease somewhat.
Yet, it was his voice that finally caused her to turn back to him.
"I'm so sorry, Beth," he said softly, taking another drink, his expression a sharper grimace of disgust towards himself. "You can leave, any time…you don't deserve to be subjected to bein' in my presence or spending time with me. It will never cease to amaze me that you do."
Beth could only stare at him, momentarily feeling gobsmacked…she knew he absolutely was sincere, in his words…yet the sympathy she felt was dulled in that moment, as he had unknowingly opened up old memories and wounds…and yet, they were old memories and wounds they needed to talk about, despite her every wish not to…
Unable to help herself, powerless to look away from him, Beth could not stop herself from speaking her next words.
"Why did you keep them?" she whispered, unable to help herself. "Why did you have Walker fights?"
Her words hung between them, Beth feeling faint, needing to hear him answer. She could not hide the bone-deep relief she felt when he finally did.
Philip simply looked at her, not speaking, his expression serious and yet far away, before his gaze finally focused on her again, looking deep in her eyes.
"I kept them because I enjoyed looking at them…they were a constant reminder that they were pathetic and dead and I wasn't…Some of them were enemies we had brought back to interrogate that we all thought would be dangerous to Woodbury in the long run that I killed…Some of them were people that I had disagreements with that I couldn't stand that I took care of…But some of them were just random Biters I decided to put in there too."
Beth, again, could not hide the sick feelings that were threatening to overtake her, and could not help the tears that were collecting in her eyes.
She hastily wiped them away, even as her hands trembled.
"Go on," she whispered, "please go on…"
Again, even through her tears, she could not ignore his grimace and remorse, his discomfort at her distress clear, before he finally cleared his throat and continued…
"I had Biters fight for pure entertainment for us all…I just thought they were fun…and so did the people…it was like wrestling matches. With much higher stakes when townspeople would fight them…I truly didn't mean for those to be harmful, at least when they first started…but my hypocrisy knows no reason in the aftermath…I believed Biters were still people…that they could still come back to us…we even conducted research on them that at the time seemed promising, but lookin' back, was just earnest desperation and delusion…"
He took another drink, before turning back to her, continuing. Philip seemed to have to pause to collect himself before speaking again.
"I believed Biters were still people, especially where Penny was concerned…that there was real hope for her…yet that didn't stop me from forcing other people's bitten loved ones to fight in vicious battles for our entertainment…and that didn't stop me from disposing of people I couldn't stand that disagreed with me personally on things, or ones that suspected what I was really like…didn't stop me from makin' some of them my trophies."
Beth was trembling slightly now, unable to block out all the awful visions of how Philip had once been…how evil, violent, soulless and remorseless he had been…She was thoroughly unable to block out his many poor victims, their fear and pain thoroughly breaking her heart…
Had they known how cruelly they would die?
Philip clearly noticed, as he broke off, knowing just how each word he spoke was a fresh distress to her.
And yet…Beth knew they absolutely needed to talk about absolutely everything he had done, despite how horrendous it was to imagine and listen to…and she could not help herself from speaking once again.
Her voice cracking, she simply looked at him again. "I…Just…just imaginin' all of their fear and pain…it's almost too much to bear…But…I…I need to…I need to at least try and understand your mind when you were in charge…need to at least try and understand the man you once were…I need to hear you say all of it…absolutely all of it…no matter how badly I want to run away and cover my ears."
She broke off then, before putting a shaking hand over her mouth.
Breathing in deep, silently counting in to ten, Beth looked at him again, her voice just a little hoarse.
"Philip…I…I know, deep down in my soul, that you no longer are that man…that you truly aren't that man…but I…I just need to hear it…"
Philip silently looked at her, his jaw opening, then closing, almost unsure what to say next.
And, through all of her distress, her heart pounding painfully in her chest in fear as she imagined what he had once been like…Beth was thoroughly unable to block out the genuine remorse that was on his face, slowly sinking down beneath her skin.
His guilt and remorse was almost like a tangible, breathing thing in the room…yet there was no escape from how horrific his actions had been…and no easy answer to provide any justification for them, not that he would try.
His lean face worked as he gently pressed on his right cheek, gently scratching, before he finally put the bottle down and turned to her. Her eyes caught on the dark scarlet blood seeping through the bandage on his hand, unable to look away from it for just one moment.
Holding her gaze, blue eye meeting lighter blue, Philip gently, slowly spoke again.
"Beth…once again…I am so, so sorry for absolutely everything I did to you and your family…I mean it…I truly don't deserve to have you here with me…I shouldn't even be alive, after everything I did…But please…you shouldn't forgive me…I am a monster, utter and complete."
Yet again, his words and sincerity radiated through her body, yet Beth was near burning inside with nerves and fear.
He breathed in deep, gently scratching his soft brown hair, before turning back to her, thoroughly incapable of denying her what she needed to hear.
"We…we did do research on Biters…me and Milton honestly believed we could save the world…become heroes…and at first, it honestly was promising…but who were we honestly kidding? At first we saw signs of what we thought were humanity…signs of hope…but those Biters…I know now those Biters were just simply freshly turned…not as far along in the decaying process…I saw what I wanted to see…it was pure fantasy and delusional hope on my part…"
Philip paused, before speaking yet again.
"I know now, that there is no coming back for them…Once people are bit, and turn, they can't ever come back from that…There will never be a cure for this. But at the time, I honestly did believe Penny was still alive, and just sick…I know now I was wrong. She was never going to come back from that. She was never going to come back to me."
Philip paused to reach for his bottle, taking another long draught, before putting it back down, turning back to anxious Beth, looking deep into her eyes.
Beth could not ignore just how she was holding her breath, knowing they hadn't even touched the truly painful parts yet.
Philip continued…
"I had this selfish vision of the world becomin' normal again…my picture and name splashed across every single television station and newspaper, me becomin' a celebrity. I would have loved the fame, the fortune, the adoring attention from women…the riches I surely would have gotten…Me, Philip Blake, the man who had discovered the cure and saved the world…my name in every textbook…me and Penny livin' in a huge house, never wanting for anything our entire lives…yet it was Milton who truly would have discovered it, had it been possible…But I killed him…I killed the only man who believed in me…and in Penny."
Beth could not staunch the new tears that arose and fell from her eyes as she imagined the sweet, kind man…the man who had risked his life to try and bring Philip down…and ultimately had paid for it.
Philip spoke again, his expression becoming ever more serious. She knew this was as taxing as it was for him as it was for her, yet she did not want him to stop.
Like it or not, they needed to talk about this…
And he owed it to all he had wronged to speak of them, though Beth knew it killed him inside. Despite her heartbreak for Philip, however, Beth was thoroughly incapable of telling him to stop…
"I…I met Milton just after Penny was bit, and turned. I purposely left the group I was in before Woodbury was formed…they wouldn't have understood me keepin' Penny after she turned…And I didn't want to risk any one of them hurting her…But luckily, he understood…he did. He took us in…I just met him by chance, walkin' through the woods one day…and he thought the same way I did…that Biters could be saved."
He swallowed, before continuing. "I really did like him…I did…he made me laugh. He was kind, and awkward, and a little nerdy…not that that was a bad thing. He had such a crush on a woman that was part of that little group he was with that me and Penny joined, and I always encouraged him to tell her how he felt…Her name was Sarah, and he was always just too nervous…And then she got bit, and he never got the chance."
More sympathy crushed Beth's heart for Milton, as she imagined it.
"He was smart, too…He wasn't a fighter, but he really was a good man. He helped me calm Penny many a time when she would get violent…which was often. He would help me soothe her. And he never once balked at her condition, or encouraged me to just kill her…he always promised me he would help find a cure. And I believed him."
Philip swallowed. "I do honestly know Sarah liked him back…she was a little nerdy and awkward too, and very sweet…they were very alike…I could tell they would have been so happy together…I'll always feel guilt they were never able to be together, even for just a short time…After she died, he was inconsolable…I wish I would have just told her behind his back, but he'd always beg me not to."
Silence hung in the room, Beth unable to fight back her tears that finally fell in earnest now, before Philip finally spoke again. He hoarsely cleared his throat.
"Well…and then you can guess what happened. We met Merle, and Martinez, and Shumpert, and I had this sudden idea for what we could create…a town, a safe haven, an essential kingdom…And so a lot of work went into it, but we found that abandoned settlement, got more people, and so Woodbury was formed."
Philip cleared his throat again. "And time went on, and Woodbury thrived…and eventually I killed Milton when I found out he had changed his mind about fightin' all of you…and went behind my back and burned all the Biters in the pits I had waiting for all of you at the prison."
Beth could not contain her sudden gasp, squeezing her eyes shut painfully, more warm tears just cascading down her cheeks…
Oh…she had known, of course…but just hearing just how close to torture and death they all had once been was almost unbearable…
Just picturing and reliving it was horrific, and it made her want to positively vomit…
Beth could not hide her sharp flinch and jump when she felt his warm hand on her arm, gasping yet again. Her blue eyes snapped open, quickly looking at him, in shock and still in fear.
And it was almost as though she was under some sort of spell as he held her gaze, unable to move…
"Beth," he said softly, each word an effort, she was sure… "You can leave, and never come back here again if you want. Please don't feel any guilt…there are no words to describe what I wanted to do to all of you, and would have if I'd had my way…and I'm so sorry for how it's making you feel now."
Whatever she had expected, it hadn't been this…yet she knew he meant what he said…and as he removed his warm hand from her, she could still feel his warmth all the way down her arm, his touch seeming to brand her beneath her clothes.
She softly shook her head, that same nausea threatening to overtake her.
"I…I know. I know Philip," she said weakly, truthfully all she could manage.
Her hands shook, and she could not stop her knees from bouncing, before finally knocking them together.
Beth breathed in deep yet again, it seeming to be years before she finally felt composed enough to speak again.
But she found she didn't have any words left, and so she finally just simply looked at him.
To her relief, he read her silent plea, and he swallowed before continuing. And Beth could not stop her own rough swallow.
"The sight of Milton's bloodied face will stay with me until the day I die…I was enraged…I just kept punching and punching him, my anger knowing no bounds…and when I stabbed him, I will forever hear Andrea's scream. And the sound it made when I did."
Beth could not help her own silent gasp, just imagining poor Milton's pain. And Andrea's.
As he continued, she could not look at anything except the awful images she was seeing behind her eyes, more tears falling with each word and each passing second that went by.
"I spent all night, stalking Andrea, before I finally captured her, right outside the prison. I had the tank, and then my truck, and I…I was just relentless when I'd realized she'd run. I finally caught up with her in an abandoned warehouse, and I was just whistling, truly enjoying myself…I smashed all the windows with a shovel, and I just kept going and going…my anger again knowing no bounds…but she got away from me. As she should have…but at the time…I wanted blood."
Beth was trembling now, just imagining how terrifying that had been for Andrea…and her awful fear and pain. Beth's heart honestly bled for her.
"And then I finally did capture her, right outside the prison…Rick was on watch duty…and I will forever remember my smile as I put my hand over her mouth, as she shook beneath me in fear."
Beth dug her nails into her thighs, almost wanting to scream as she pictured it.
She bit her lip, tasting blood, as he spoke once more, but not before making brief eye contact with him. And again, his expression as he took in her pain and fear would forever be burned into her brain, just like what he had done would.
Beth knew she could live to be an old woman, and yet when she closed her eyes, she would be pulled back in time to this exact moment. And she would forever see his facial expression in this moment, and feel his gentle, warm touch on her arm.
"I…I destroyed two lives that day…I did. I wasn't in love with Andrea…I was just very, very infatuated with her, that's all…I know that now. And I know she didn't love me, in the end…how could she? She was just very infatuated with me as well, to her detriment, and so convinced I wasn't the monster I turned out to be. So convinced that I was good…"
His expression became a grimace once more as he took another drink, disgust at himself rolling off in waves. "And I know, full well, that if I wasn't the way I was, eventually we would have just become good friends…We both would have moved on. She deserved to have a life and find a good man who she truly loved…have children some day…and I would have been happy for her. But I took that from her…I robbed her of a life. Andrea was a beautiful, kind, strong, smart, and wonderful woman…and I did not deserve her."
Beth could not hide her tears or the break in her voice as she replied. "Yes…she was. I miss her every day. We all do…she was the only one who was understanding of my suicide attempt, at least out of Lori, Maggie, and her, and I always admired her strength and courage…and I always wished I could be even a little bit like her. Or Maggie."
As she remembered Andrea, Beth could not even bear to look at Philip, in that moment…it was just too terrible.
But Philip spoke again, seeming to know he could say nothing that would make it better.
"And I did not deserve to have a friend like Milton…I didn't deserve any of my power. I didn't deserve the blind faith my people put in me…and I betrayed Merle horrendously when I discovered he had changed his mind about givin' me Michonne. I shot him with no hesitation…and I will forever remember the crunch of me biting into his hand…forever remember the taste of his blood, and remember my joy as he screamed."
Beth flinched as she pictured it, the mental image causing bitter bile to rise in her throat.
"And when I…when I found my people didn't want to fight anymore…my rage was unparalleled, and I just…shot them…without hesitation or remorse. In cold blood…all I saw was red. I snapped…I did…and all of them did not deserve to die. They all deserved to live. And I took that from them."
Beth was surprised she hadn't finally vomited in that moment, yet she felt her heart utterly break in her chest as she imagined the poor people's fear and pain…their families broken forever.
She bit her lip harder, uncaring just how badly it hurt. The taste of her blood filled her mouth, and she took trembling fingers to wipe under her eyes.
But he continued. "And when Merle brought your sister and Glenn here…I thought they were dangerous. I thought you all were. And I was enraged after Michonne killed Penny, and after innocent civilians were killed. That's why I had Daryl and Merle fight each other…in that moment I hated Merle too. For bringin' them here with what he had done, from kidnappin' your sister and Glenn."
Beth could not hide her sharp wince.
"I thought you were all dangerous…I know now I was wrong…But it still doesn't excuse what I did to her…I enjoyed her humiliation and tears…having her take her shirt off to intimidate her…playing with her hair and pushing her against the table, laughing when she thought I would rape her…and afterward, I just pulled her into a mocking hug, while she trembled and cried."
This was finally too much for Beth to bear…she could not help but leap up, powerless to think of anything but poor, sweet Maggie's pain…
She quickly looked back at him, turning her head quickly. And again, his facial expression as he took her in hit her most. But she needed some air…she needed to be away from him, in that moment.
Beth spoke, trembling as she did so. "I…I'm sorry. I just need air…just….imaginin' her fear and pain…it's too much. Imaginin' all of it is too much…I…I'm about to be sick."
And without hesitation, she rushed out of the apartment, all but slamming the door behind her.
She put her hands over her mouth, her hands shaking, and silently cried. She was grateful for the cold wind, and eventually could not help but go on her knees, overcome with emotion and pain as she pictured all of it.
Beth felt she could have been outside for years…her face was wet with tears, red both from crying and the cold wind rushing at her from all sides…yet eventually, finally, she felt she could finally go back inside, though she still felt nauseous.
She breathed in deep, as she turned the door handle, and again, it was his gaze that held her to the spot.
She felt her cheeks warm just a little in self-consciousness, as she simply looked at Philip, knowing her face still was wet, yet she finally spoke, almost surprising herself with her words.
"I…I still remember that first day you attacked the prison…that horrible day…it started out as a beautiful sunny day. I picked flowers that mornin'…thought about what I might make us all for dinner that night…I was with Maggie all mornin' and things were just wonderful… Yet it quickly turned into a nightmare. I was with Judith, and Carol and Axel were just talkin' in the courtyard…Axel was such a nice man…"
Beth could not help but pause to collect herself, more tears falling as she remembered.
"And then…within minutes…Axel was dead…I still remember the noise, and Carol's screams, and how his scarlet blood stained the white concrete…Carol had to use him as a shield, your bullets were so relentless…Rick was in the bushes, hiding down low…thank goodness he wasn't hit…"
Now her voice utterly broke, and Beth still could not bear to look at him.
"Yet…yet then Maggie came and got me, and miraculously we all ran, and were able to get away…Hide…yet I still thought for certain we would all die. Or worse…that everyone I loved would die and I would be the lone survivor, at your mercy. I was shakin' so badly runnin' across the yard…I felt sure I would be hit, or Maggie, or any of us."
She bit her lip again. "Tears were just burnin' my eyes and thankfully we were able to hide…take cover…yet then you set the Walkers inside…"
Nausea was threatening to overtake her again, yet she continued.
"But somehow, we were all lucky that day. We were able to fight you off…Yet that still didn't stop me from goin' to sleep each night in tears, havin' panic attacks, just picturin' you comin' back to murder us all…or, again, that I would be the lone survivor, and everyone I loved would be dead."
She breathed in deep. "And then you had your meetin' with Rick, and you promised us peace if he'd just hand Michonne over…yet we all knew you could never be trusted to keep your word," she breathed, finally looking at him.
Philip was just wordlessly staring at her, entirely serious, and she could not ignore the expression and wince on his face as he took in her pain and tears…
Yet remembering the man he had been was still taking precedence, and Beth could not help herself, finally needing to know all of it.
"And then you came back, and luckily we were able to fight you off that day…your second failed attack. But I…I just want to know…just what was your plan, for all of us Philip? Had you succeeded?" she whispered, somehow knowing the answers, yet wanting to hear him say it. Needing to hear him say it…
His gaze held hers, and his voice was hoarse when he finally replied.
"I wanted all of you in my workshop…essentially a torture chamber. I wanted Michonne in my workshop…I wanted to take her eyes and do horrific things to her, like amputate her limbs. I wanted her to suffer…And I wanted to keep all of you in there, too. Do the same things to all of you. And of course I had the Biters just waitin'."
He broke off then, and this was enough. Beth finally could not hold back her nausea and she rushed into the bathroom, opening up the toilet and retching violently, tears blurring her vision. Yet Philip did not come to her aid, somehow knowing how laughable it could have come across.
Over and over she retched, before finally she had emptied her stomach fully. Her hands shaking, she flushed the toilet and searched in the cabinet, luckily finding mouthwash, which she took a capful of.
She almost relished the burn of the alcohol from it in her mouth, shakily breathing in deep as she swished it around, before finally expelling it.
Finally, she shakily put it back and looked in the mirror. Her eyes were red and swollen, tear remnants still on her face, and her bottom lip still was bleeding slightly. Her hair was slightly messy from the wind outside and she still felt rather ill…yet strangely more composed.
Breathing in, exhaling, she went in the cabinet again and luckily found what she was looking for.
She solemnly took out fresh gauze, and filled a small bowl with warm water and a gentle soap. She found a small white washcloth as well, luckily, putting it under the bowl.
She waited a few moments more, before finally going out.
Philip gently spoke, his expression concerned and wary. "Beth…are you alright? I can make you some food…and I'm so sorry, though I know just how ridiculous that sounds…"
Yet Beth gently shook her head, going to sit back down beside him, putting the bowl and gauze on the floor.
"That's not necessary, but thank you so much, Philip."
An almost awkward silence hung between them, before she finally spoke again, gently looking at him.
"I know, now, that you no longer are that man…and we will never speak of that again…any of that again…but now you must try to make peace with how horrendous you once were. You can never take any of what you did back, and you must live with that, Philip. As you truthfully should…and yet somehow your pain breaks my heart for you."
Philip looked shocked, and was about to speak, yet Beth gently took his injured right hand and began to unwrap it, being as gentle as possible.
He spoke. "No, Beth…please don't. I can do it…" He attempted to pull it away, yet she held on tight, gently protesting.
"You hurt yourself," she said softly, solemnly looking at him. "Don't lie, Philip."
Philip was silent, before finally nodding. "Yes," he said, yet he did not say any more.
Yet she continued, concentrating on his warm hand in hers, as she concentrated on unwrapping it.
"And why do you do that?" she gently asked, somehow knowing his hesitation without even looking at him.
His voice was hoarse again when he finally replied. "Because I remember everythin' I did…how I'm a monster. How there's somethin' evil and dark inside of me…and when I remember how I caused Penny to become bitten. How I should be dead, and somehow my wife and Penny are."
Beth finally did look at him, and his eye was so dull, and his expression was so utterly devoid of joy. And, despite everything, the sight near broke her heart.
Finally, the wound was bared to her…red and angry and awful…and she gently took the washcloth and dipped it in the warm soapy water, being as gentle as possible as she gently dabbed.
Beth silently worked, before finally speaking again. "Philip…you may disagree, but you loved Penny so, so much. And your wife. And it was not your fault, what happened to her. It was just an…an unfortunate accident. And blamin' yourself will only ever make that worse. And yet I'm so sorry for how this day is hemorrhaging your heart."
Gently, she prompted. "Of course, you have every right to not tell me…but why do you think it was your fault?"
She silently watched him, before he finally spoke again.
"Because…before Woodbury, we were in a little group, and one day, I elected to stay behind and watch the camp. Penny and me were playin' outside, and I…I went down to tie my shoe. I had hurt my foot, and so I…I closed my eyes to rotate it just a little bit, and when I opened them…a Biter was close to her. And then it got her. Just tore a huge chunk out of her shoulder…I…of course I wasn't fast enough."
Beth's heart twisted as she imagined it. Poor Penny's pain and fear.
Philip slowly continued, looking at the floor, each word an effort.
"And then…well…I just stayed locked in a room all night with her, for twelve hours, until she finally turned. Everyone else expressed their sympathies, but told me I should put her down. Well…of course I didn't listen. I couldn't. I just loved her too much. And…listenin' to her screams of agony and seein' her tears just broke my heart."
Beth felt her eyes well up with tears as she imagined it.
"And then, of course…well…things wore on. Eventually Michonne found her, and killed her. I begged her to kill me instead…I did. I know now, though, that Penny never could come back to me. And that night I buried her…and do you know that I never once have been back to her grave? She…she was always scared of the dark, and I, her father, am too much of a lily-livered coward to go and visit her."
Now, his voice finally broke, and he said, "I just can't shake the feeling that she probably thinks her daddy doesn't love her…and how could I blame her? I just imagine her under the ground, as she once was, a normal little girl, cryin' and sobbin' in fear, hatin' how dark it is…wonderin' why I'm not there."
Now his voice broke in earnest, and Beth could not stem her own tears from falling at his pain.
The bottle fell to the ground, and he took his face and buried it in his other arm, his injured hand still in hers.
His body shook with silent sobs, and Beth could only gently rub his back, her heart absolutely twisting for him.
But, finally, his pain did ease, and he roughly wiped his face on his arm sleeve, before turning back to her.
"I'm sorry, Beth," he said, awkwardly reaching for the bottle, undoing the cap of it with one hand, before taking another drink.
Beth gently shook her head, rubbing his warm back more.
"Oh, no, Philip. Don't ever apologize for that…my heart breaks for you. Truly."
He said nothing, but she saw him jerk a little. He put the bottle beside him on the fireplace ledge.
Finally, though, she finished cleaning his hand and rewrapped it, and then they both stayed in silence for awhile.
His expression was a self-conscious grimace when he finally spoke again, and Beth could only listen to his words, more sympathy absolutely flooding her for him.
His wariness as he spoke was almost tangible, before he mussed up his hair.
"I…I dream of her, you know. And Cassandra, my wife. And it's always the same dream…sometimes I dream of them separately, sometimes together. Mostly separate, though… When it's Cassandra, I'm runnin' behind her at a great distance…I can see and hear her, and she's laughin,' beggin' me to catch her. I can only see her gorgeous long hair and her backside of her entire body, not her face. And then she turns the corner. And I finally catch up, only to see her dead in a coffin, like on the day of her funeral. Or a…a dead Biter on the ground."
Beth gently rubbed his arm, silently listening.
"And Penny, too…she's laughin' and askin' me to please play with her. I can only see her little body's backside…never her face. And when I finally catch her, she's a Biter, or dead on the ground."
He breathed in. "Or…when I do dream of them together…they're both runnin' in front of me, and I just can't catch up. But when I finally round the corner and I do…either they're cowerin' in fear from me, or angry, tellin' me to get away from them, aghast at what a monster I've become…and how they hate me."
He swallowed. "Or they're both just dead on the ground together."
He mussed up his hair again, Beth still gently rubbing his arm.
Finally, she broke the silence. "Oh, Philip…you do know, I hope, that they still love you. And you'll be with them again some day, in heaven."
He brokenly laughed. "Beth…believe me, you are far too kind…but even if heaven's real, I would never be admitted. Not that I really believe in it."
Beth softly said, "Please, Philip…look at me?"
He did, and she could not block out his shock at her next words.
"Philip…despite how horrendous you once were, you are a good man. You wear your remorse and self-abjection on your sleeve, at least with me, and I can tell it is not an act, however badly you wish you were able to hide it from me. And I give you credit…you certainly can hide your emotions well. And, true…nothing will ever be able to turn back time for you to take back all of your evil and disgustin' actions…but you will forever be haunted by them. And that is the price you will forever pay. As you perhaps rightfully should… But you may disagree, but I do know what lives inside of you: fear and remorse. It lives inside of your bones, and you are so utterly convinced you are evil. But you are not."
She breathed in deep, holding his gaze. "But my mama always said this growin' up, and I've always liked it; it's so utterly sweet: Heaven is probably just like a big palace ball or jubilee…everyone's invited. And I know, deep down, that your wife, and Penny, and mother and brother are all waitin' for you, and will welcome you with open arms. Heaven and God will not turn away even the worst sinner, if they truly repent."
Again, he shook his head. "My mother and Brian and Penny and Cassandra would all hate me or be afraid of me…I know that without a doubt…"
Beth shook her head. "No…no they wouldn't. Not the real you."
She then said, smoothing her hair, "Besides, I've always thought your wife and Penny and mother and Brian and my mama and Shawn all know each other. Along with my grandparents and Patricia and Otis and Jimmy. And they all look out for Penny, and are friends. It's a comfortin' thought."
Philip simply looked at her, before she spoke again.
Beth gingerly touched his warm arm again, before pulling back. "And Philip…you are a good man."
Now she could not say anything else, before he finally took another drink, grimacing again.
"No, Beth…I am not and I never will be one. I'm Hitler, I'm Stalin, I'm Josef Mengele… I'm every evil man that ever lived…"
Beth softly shook her head, solemn once again. "No…you may have once been…but you aren't at your core. And I know, deep down, if you could, you would go back and not do any of what you did."
Yet he shook his head, drinking again. "No, Beth…I'm not so sure. I know I would still do it all over again…I loved bein' in charge…I loved the rush power gave me, the smell of blood, people's fear…the attention from women…I was a king, and I loved every minute of it."
Yet Beth gently countered, her solemnity building as she remembered once more. "But if you truly were that man, you wouldn't be haunted by guilt every day. And I know you are."
Philip was silent, silently looking at her, before speaking yet again.
"'Never waste a bullet, son.' That's exactly what I said to a member of my group after we went and found members of the army and slaughtered all of them for their supplies on my command…and I enjoyed bashing one of their heads in with my gun…the rush it gave me…the pure joy. Their captain and pilot was recovering in Woodbury, and I promised him I'd find his friends."
Again, Beth couldn't help the sick feeling that gripped her, as he continued.
"And I smirked and told them we had found them too…right before I shot without hesitation. That's the kind of man I am, Beth. Down to my core."
She couldn't help wincing again, more pain absolutely flooding her heart for those poor soldiers. Again, she felt tears come to her eyes, and she could not stop them.
They were silent for some time, before she finally spoke once more. Her voice broke as she wiped away her tears.
He looked at her, and noticed.
"Those poor, poor soldiers. B…but Philip…despite how horrendous you once were…you are a good man. And I wouldn't be here if I didn't truly think so…And you do deserve to be happy again some day. All you can do is try and make up for all the awful actions and destruction you caused…try to atone…and something tells me you will."
Now silence fell once again, as Beth silently looked at him, that same piece of hair falling back into her face from her ponytail. She put it behind her ear.
The pure shock on his face showed, and he softly said, "God, Beth…you honestly amaze me and put me to shame. Words can never make up for all of the awful pain and suffering I put you and your family through, and you should run away from here, and never speak to me again…truly. I know…I know how utterly laughable and insulting it must sound, but I am truly more sorry than words could ever express for everythin' I did. And you will never know how badly I wish you would just tell me to go to hell. Nor will you ever know how strong and courageous you honestly are…how gracious."
Whatever she had expected, it hadn't been this. And, despite her emotions, Beth could not hide her shock.
And then, suddenly, he moved closer to her, without warning, and as before, Beth was thoroughly unable to stop her stomach from positively somersaulting and unable to ignore just how her heart skipped as he gently squeezed her arm.
Beth breathed in deep, as he said, "Sincerely, Beth…thank you so much for today…I have no words to express my gratitude."
Beth wanted so very badly to look away from him, feeling another blush come on, yet unable to.
"Don't mention it," she softly said, before finally standing up and going over to the kitchen sink.
She gently washed out a bowl and a spoon, dreading facing him again.
Yet she heard his gentle protest, and she couldn't help but snort a little.
"No, Beth…seriously, I can do that…"
"No, Philip…I am a force to be reckoned with," she said politely, as she finished.
Making oatmeal for him went too quickly…and before long she was left with no reprieve, as she set the bowl on the counter, before going back to the middle of the room.
"Don't let it get cold, Philip," she softly said. "You owe it to yourself to eat a solid meal and get some rest when I leave…which is about now."
Philip quickly stood up, depositing the bottle on the ledge.
"I'll walk you out."
He came over to where she was, and together they walked to the door.
She gently rubbed his warm arm again, sympathetically squeezing.
"Again, Philip…I am so sorry for your loss…but you loved Penny with all of your heart, and you were the best father ever to her. She was lucky to have you. And she's watchin' out for you, every single day…I just know it. And I know how your heart is just in stitches, Philip…all mangled and bloodied and absolutely broken…but she wouldn't want you to be sad. She would want you to be happy. And please…take care of yourself. Get some sleep…eat…you look absolutely ragged."
Biting her lip, again, despite their awful conversation of earlier, Beth could not ignore just how her heart skipped as she contemplated doing the unthinkable.
Nerves choking her throat, she shyly leaned up, putting her hand on his warm chest…he was so tall…and gently kissed him on the cheek, letting herself linger. She tried in vain to ignore just how warm his cheek was, soft yet with just the smallest amount of stubble coming in…and could not ignore just how badly her heart was racing in nervousness.
And yet…when she pulled back, she could not deny just how her heart skipped. Her blush was rose red as she looked at him, her embarrassment and self-consciousness acute, and Philip for his part just looked utterly shocked. Yet his shock faded quickly.
She knew he noticed her blush, and cleared her throat, trying to ignore just how faint she felt.
"I…seriously, Philip…I mean it…please take care of yourself. And your poor hand."
She gingerly squeezed it, before saying, "And please…stop…stop doin' that to yourself. It won't solve anything. It won't take anything back. Penny and your wife…they wouldn't want you to do that to yourself."
He nodded, before she smiled tightlipped at him, finally turning to leave.
And yet…Beth was thoroughly unprepared for the rush in her stomach when Philip put his warm hand on her arm once more. She turned to face him, unable to calm her shaking knees. He gently squeezed this time.
"Again, Beth…thank you so much…I have no words…"
She nodded, before softly saying, "I know, Philip…I know."
Silence hung between them, before Beth gently said, "Until next week."
She nodded at him, and walked out, for once going to the gate herself.
And, the entire drive home, the tears burned her eyes, as she finally realized the horrible predicament she found herself in, thoroughly unable to deny it any longer. And trying desperately to forget the feeling of his warm, lean cheek under her lips.