April 29. On Saturday night he stood in front of Dawson's house, sick to his stomach with guilt and fear. Joey stood beside him, frozen like a deer caught in the headlights. He blinked under the explosion of Dawson's words, his insinuations that anything between him and Joey would be something caused by her boredom or confusion. Insinuations that it would be meaningless, that nothing was more important to him than sex, that his interest in Joey was purely sexual. He argued, but he saw in his gaze that Dawson meant every word. "This has nothing to do with sex," he said.

"Oh, what, are you in love?" Dawson said, his tone dripping with scorn. "Is that what this is?"

He turned to Joey, who was still cowering. He was in love and wanted to tell Dawson the truth, but he hadn't even told her yet and he still didn't know if she was. He didn't want to have to tell her like this, with their best friend raging at them. She had yet to say a word, and the fear he felt was starting to overpower the guilt.

"You know what, Pacey?" Dawson fumed at him. "I feel sorry for you. Because when all this is over, you're really gonna need your friends, and you're not gonna have any." Doug had warned him of this. "You are not gonna have a single one." And just like that, the guilt turned to anger. Their eyes held, his best friend's full of hatred and dark with rage. Dawson turned to storm away.

Joey reached over and took his hand, squeezing his palm, her grip firm and strong. But before he could really take comfort in the action, Andie showed up with Will, and she dropped his hand. His stomach twisted fiercely and then to his horror, Dawson angrily outed him and Joey to Andie, obviously still on her first date with Will. He almost couldn't believe Dawson would be so cruel.

"Go ahead, ask 'em," Dawson said to her. "'Cause I can't even stand to look at 'em anymore." He turned and walked inside his house.

Joey, who still hadn't said a single word, then immediately ran after Dawson and left him out there, disappearing inside the house. And Andie was standing behind him. He felt crushed—crushed for hurting Dawson, crushed for Andie being hurt this way—but his heart constricted and dread filled his stomach like a lead weight. He was going to lose Joey. Grief began welling up inside him and his eyes filled with tears.

It was obvious Andie was upset, but unlike Dawson, she wasn't cruel or vindictive. She knew that for him to risk everything for Joey, he must love her. That it wasn't a meaningless fling. "God, how could you be so stupid, Pacey? You know you're gonna get hurt." He didn't know what felt worse, Dawson's rage or Andie's concern. "She is never going to love you like she loves him, okay?" His eyes flew to hers and he stared, her words like ice water in his face. "He is her first love, Pacey. Her first love."

Andie walked off in tears, Will following her, and he stared up the house, her words running in circles inside his head. She'd spoken aloud the fear that had nagged him for the past several months, if not his whole life. Minutes passed and Joey still hadn't reappeared. He knew. He knew what was happening in there. He knew Dawson would say anything to manipulate her into doing exactly what he wanted her to do. He knew that she ultimately wouldn't consider him worth the risk, that she probably didn't have as much faith in their fledgling relationship as he did. He knew Dawson was more important to her. He knew Andie was right.

And he knew it was over. The longer Joey stayed inside that house the more over it was. He finally turned and walked away.

On Saturday morning following the boat christening, Joey stood propped against the fence next to Jen, feeling a sense of relief at having someone to confide in about her situation with Pacey and Dawson, someone impartial who would listen without judgment. "Whatever I do, I'm the villain. I mean, the girl's always the villain, right? In stories like these, she's always some wicked, conniving whore who manipulates her way between two brothers, or two best friends…"

"Okay, Joey, keep in mind that most of those stories have been written by men."

"I really wish I was more like you. You feel things and you act on 'em. Pacey does the same thing. He's… fearless."

"All right, I'll let you in on a little secret about the so-called fearless," Jen said. "We're not as tough you think we are. And Pacey's heart can break just as easily as the next guy. Maybe even more so, considering it was already broken when you got there."

She thought for a moment. "Andie."

Jen shrugged. "When I think about who Pacey was when I met him, and then who he became after being with her…" She laughed to herself. "You know, Pacey had this whole bad boy thing going on. He didn't care about school. Always clowning around in class and getting in trouble. Always in detention for one reason or another. Stealing his dad's patrol car all the time. Caused a town scandal with Ms. Jacobs."

Joey scowled. "That woman disgusts me."

"Anyway," Jen continued, throwing her a look. "The point is, Pacey was a hard nut to crack. And Andie cracked him wide open to reveal there was nothing but soft mush inside. He's a total softie, as most of us are who like to act all tough to avoid getting hurt. And she hurt him. Badly. He was still a pile of soft mush when he fell for you, and hadn't fully gotten over that hurt and regrown that hard shell to lock anyone else out. You get what I'm saying?"

"The last thing in the world I want to do is hurt Pacey. But I don't want to hurt Dawson either. Why do I have to decide who gets hurt and who doesn't? I don't want to hurt anyone, but no matter what I do, someone gets hurt, including me."

Jen moved off the fence and they started walking again towards her grandmother's car. "Don't think of it that way, Joey. Think about what would make you happy, despite the complications of it all. Would breaking things off with Pacey make you happy?"

"No."

"Would being with Pacey make you happy?"

"Yes."

Jen nodded. "Well, there's your answer."

Scoffing, she shook her head. "It's not that simple. I wish it was, but…"

"Of course, it's not that simple. It's messy and complicated, but that's because life is messy and complicated. The thing is, it's your life, and you're the one who has to live it. You need to start putting your own happiness ahead of others. Don't think about what would make Dawson happy, or what would make Pacey happy. What would make you happy, more than anything?"

She walked in silence for several moments. She swallowed against the lump growing in her throat. "Jen, I…"

"Joey, do you love Pacey?"

"I… Well, I, uh…" She nervously rubbed her hand over her brow. "I don't know… Maybe?" She groaned. "I think so."

Jen turned to look at her and smiled. "Well, there you go."

"But…" She chewed on her lip. "Hurting Dawson won't make me happy. I can't lose Dawson, Jen. I lost my mom and my dad, and I can't lose Dawson, too. It'd be like losing my family all over again. I can't."

"Dawson might get angry, and he may stay angry for a long while, but you're the most important person in his life. If your happiness is important to him, then you won't lose him, no matter what you decide. You didn't lose him when you broke up with him, twice, and you didn't lose him when you were dating A.J. Have a little faith."

Joey shook her head. "This is different. It's possible he wouldn't see this as forgivable. Dawson and Pacey… They're best friends and I know they care about each other, but there's always been this thing underneath it all… I don't know. Dawson hates losing in general, but he especially hates losing to Pacey, and tries to avoid situations where the two of them have to compete. It's been like that since we were kids. Like, they'd be playing a game and as soon as it was obvious Dawson wasn't going to win, he'd say he was bored and quit. Every time. Dawson has…" She sighed. "He's always had sort of an inferiority complex when it comes to Pacey, even though he'd never admit it."

Jen smirked at her as she pulled her car keys from her pocket. "Oh, well, I knew that."

Her brows knitted. "You did?"

"I knew it when Dawson threw that basketball at Pacey's face sophomore year and broke his nose."

"And that was sort of my fault too, of course," Joey groaned.

Laughing, Jen opened her car door. "How was that your fault?"

She pursed her lips and got into the passenger seat. "Because in so many words I kind of maybe told Dawson that Pacey was sexier than him. And then Dawson broke his nose."

Jen laughed and stuck the key in the ignition. "Boys are such idiots. Have you thought about whether this current love triangle might have been going on for a lot longer than any of you realize?"

Joey frowned and looked out the window.

1995

February 14. Joey sat in the kitchen while her mother stood at the stove making breakfast for supper—her favorite—when Bessie walked in the room. She was all dressed up for her date with Bodie. "So, sis," she said. "How many valentines did you get in school today?"

She refused to look at her older sister and hesitated to answer. "Um, just one."

"Dawson?" Bessie replied. "Or Pacey?"

Joey pulled out the red and pink valentine from her backpack. "'Thanks for being my best friend,'" she read aloud. 'Happy Valentine's Day. Dawson.'" Sighing, she put it back inside her backpack.

"Why the face?" her sister asked. "Isn't that a good thing?"

Lillian glanced over her shoulder and caught her eye. Joey pursed her lips. "Well, yeah. But he also gave a valentine to Meghan and sat with her at lunch and walked with her to all our classes. He barely said two words to me today."

Bessie's expression was sympathetic. "I'm sorry. And I'm sorry you had to eat lunch by yourself. That's no fun."

"I wasn't by myself," Joey said. "Well, I was, but then Pacey came over and sat with me."

Turning from the stove, Lillian looked at her daughter and smiled. "Pacey is such a sweet kid."

Joey scowled. "Mom, I don't know why you like him so much." She heaved a disgusted sigh. "He didn't give me a valentine even though we're friends… sort of. He didn't give any to anybody else in our class, but still… He said that he'd wanted to give me a valentine but he didn't want Dawson to get mad at him. Why would Dawson get mad? Why couldn't he just admit that he either totally forgot or just didn't want to? And did you know Pacey got, like, fifteen valentines today? Ugh."

"Well, he is pretty cute," Bessie admitted. "He's gonna be a heartbreaker."

"Heartbreaker?" She arched a skeptical brow.

"Oh, yeah," her sister replied humorously. "Big time. He's gonna drive the girls crazy and then break their hearts, I'm sure."

"You say that like it's a good thing, Bessie," she grumbled.

Lillian laughed. "Maybe he'll break a few. I don't think he'll break too many. He's such a gentle, tenderhearted boy."

Joey scrunched up her face. "Mom, this is Pacey Witter you're talking about. He pulls my ponytail and calls me names, pokes me with his pencil in class, and tickles me, even though he knows I hate it." Lillian and Bessie exchanged a knowing look, smirking. "How is that gentle and tenderhearted?"

"Sweetie, some people are really soft and gentle on the inside. They hurt easily and deeply—wounds that can go so deep they might never recover. So, they become rough around the edges to protect that softness."

"He's not nice to me, okay, Mom? Dawson is nice to me. And he's not gonna break anybody's heart."

"Yes, Dawson is a very nice boy," said Lillian. "But Pacey is kind. There's a big difference between being nice and being kind, which I'm sure you'll come to appreciate when you're older."

She scoffed. "Pacey isn't kind. He does all that stuff to me on purpose."

Her mother let out a breathy laugh. "That's just… Pacey being a doofus. He's a twelve-year-old boy and he's going to do irritating things. I know he makes you mad sometimes, but you're forgetting that he also makes you laugh. I've seen Pacey make you laugh so hard milk came out your nose."

Joey rolled her eyes. "That doesn't make him kind."

"No, but plenty of other things do. He always goes out of his way to help others in a purely selfless way, and that is kind. Dawson gave you a valentine today, and that was very nice of him, but he ignored you all day. Pacey saw you were alone at lunch and he came over to sit with you. Remember your birthday party? You were upset Dawson wouldn't skate with you and none of the other boys asked? And Pacey, who hates roller skating, saw you were unhappy and went and put on skates."

"You know, last year, when Mrs. O'Brien's husband died, Pacey went to her house and mowed her lawn for free all summer," Bessie added. "She told me. She hadn't asked him to. He just did it because he knew she needed it."

Joey lowered her gaze from her mother's pointed look and pursed her lips.

Lillian turned back to the stove, stirring the scrambled eggs. "Joey, remember back in August, the chain kept slipping on your bike and the insides of your legs were all scratched up? Your dad was working days and nights at the restaurant because I was in the hospital, he didn't have time to fix it, and we couldn't afford to buy you a new one. Pacey fixed it for you."

Her brows knitted. "Mom, Daddy fixed it before he went to work. He was still at home when me and Bessie left for the library and when I got back the bike was fixed."

"No, sweetie. Pacey came over to see if you wanted to go swimming, but you weren't here. Your dad had to leave for work and mentioned your problems with the bike chain to Pacey. He fixed it after your dad left. He did it without being asked, without telling anyone he did it, and without expecting anything in return." Lillian turned around to look at her daughter. "And, Joey, that is kindness."

Chewing on her lip, Joey kept quiet and averted her eyes from her mother's.

"But yes, Dawson is a nice boy," Lillian said, turning back around. "He's always polite and well-mannered, and has a stable home with a decent, respectable, good family." Then she scowled and turned off the burner underneath the eggs. "Don't get me started on the Witter's."

There was a knock on the door; Bodie had arrived to pick up Bessie. Shortly after her sister left, her dad came home from the Ice House and they sat down at the table to eat supper.

Pacey sat on the deck rail, staring at his boat, the True Love, desperately trying to suppress his heartbreak, the irony not lost on him.

"Pacey," Joey whispered.

With a sudden, wrenching pain, he knew that he'd lost. He'd known it was coming. "It's over, isn't it?"

Her eyes were shiny with unshed tears. "It has to be."

"Maybe you should be the first one to go this time." He pushed his pain away, refusing to sit there weeping as the woman he loved walked away from him. Forcing down everything he was feeling, all that terrible emptiness and loss, he jumped down from the rail and fled.

Back at Doug's apartment, he walked in to find the TV on in the living room. He shut the door behind him. "Hey, Pace, you hungry?" his brother called out from the kitchen.

He didn't even have the energy to speak. Words were caught somewhere in the back of his throat. Stepping into the room, he sat down. Then he leaned back against the couch and stared at nothing.

"Pacey?" Doug walked out of the kitchen. "I made lasag—"

He couldn't look at his brother. The words 'I told you so' went around and around his head, a bitter ache clutching at him deep inside his chest. Silently, Doug walked over and sat down next to him. He kept his face turned away, and choked back the lump forming in his throat. Hold it together, he pleaded with himself.

Doug laid a warm hand on his back, offering comfort. He couldn't hold back the tears any longer and the floodgates opened. He put his head in his hands and started to cry, softly at first, then with anguished sobs. Such a display of emotion in front of his older brother made him feel weak, but he couldn't stop it. It all hurt so much. He loved her and she would never love him—again. He was right back where he started, only it was so much worse because now he knew what it felt like to hold her in his arms, to kiss her and have her kiss him back.

After several minutes, he willed himself to stop crying. Then he sat up with a shake of his shoulders and let out a shuddering breath. His brother still sat beside him, silent. "Dawson knows," he sniffled, brushing the tears from his face with the back of his hand. "We went to his house to tell him, and he already knew. Well, he pretended he didn't know at first, you know, and then…"

Doug arched his brow. "Pretended he didn't…? That sounds pretty manipulative, if you ask me."

He sighed. "Apparently, Jen told him. She knew we were telling him today and I guess she thought he had already found out when she talked to him."

"And Dawson is angry." It wasn't a question.

"Yes, he's angry. Angry doesn't even begin to cover it. He went for the jugular. I'm pretty sure the guy hates me now."

His brother took a deep breath, thinking. "I can imagine losing a lifelong friendship is devastating."

The tears threatened again, and he clenched his jaw, forcing them away. "No, that's, uh… Joey ended it. It's over. She said it has to be over, so I'm sure he gave her a 'me or him' ultimatum. I was never gonna be the winner there. I don't know why I ever believed any other outcome was possible."

"I doubt this is the outcome, Pacey. Whatever happened tonight, this thing between the three of you is probably far from over. It was obviously an emotional night, and Joey made a decision in the face of Dawson's anger, but that choice could change once she has time to think about it."

He wasn't going to hold his breath. Doug stood up and placed a hand on his shoulder, squeezing it. "Come and eat something."

After he followed his brother into the kitchen and sat down, Doug dished him up a plate and joined him at the small round table. They ate in silence for some minutes. The crying had helped clear his head, as did the food in his belly. He gazed across the table at his brother. "Hey, Dougie?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks for not saying 'I told you so.'" He gave him a weak smile. "But you did warn me, didn't you?"

Doug smiled as he chewed, nodding his head before taking a sip of water. "I warn you about a lot of things, little brother, but you're in the habit of not listening."

He fought a grin. "That almost sounds like an 'I told you so,' I think."

"Well, if the shoe fits, Pace."

His shoulders shrugged in defeat and he sighed. Then they finished their meal in comfortable silence. After clearing the table and doing the dishes, he started to walk out of the kitchen as Doug was putting the clean utensils back in the drawer. "Pacey?"

He turned back around with an expectant look. "What?"

"Ultimatums don't really work, you know," his brother told him. "Relationships are supposed to be built on love. Ultimatums are threats, and no one likes to feel threatened. Love and threats don't mix. Ever. That's not a loving relationship. The use of force in any relationship is never healthy. It's damaging."

"What are you saying, Doug?"

His brother closed the drawer and looked up to meet his gaze. "I'm saying don't give up on Joey. She's a smart girl and she's also strong-willed. I'm sure she'll eventually see Dawson's ultimatum for what it is."

He could only hope that was true.

May. The first day back to school after what went down on Saturday night was miserable from start to finish. He waited for Dawson in the student parking lot on Monday morning, hoping they could have a civil conversation about what had happened, hoping his best friend's anger had dissipated at least a little bit. No such luck.

"Dawson, I'm sorry. I made a mistake. I never should've snuck around with her behind your back. Please believe me when I say it was only a week. It's not like it had been going on for months. I should've told you about Joey sooner, and I tried so many times but I kept chickening out. I didn't want to hurt you, man. Okay? I'm really, really sorry."

"Go to hell, Pacey."

He stared after Dawson's retreating back. "Okay, then," he breathed.

When he opened his locker, he couldn't help the sudden spark of hope that he would find a note there from Joey, only to come crashing down when there wasn't one. It wasn't long before he noticed that everyone else in the hallways was decidedly more cheerful than usual. There was a certain buzz in the air that hadn't been there last week. He had thought maybe it just seemed that way because he was so miserable in comparison to everyone else. Then he saw posters going up announcing Junior Prom on May 26 and the Senior Prom on June 2, along with information for buying tickets. He didn't even want to think about prom. The theme that the Junior Prom Committee had chosen was "Couples." The idea of it only increased his misery.

In Homeroom, he walked in and laid eyes on Joey for the first time since Saturday. She started upon seeing him and instantly lowered her gaze. Great. He then saw Andie in her front row seat. Upon sight of him, she scowled and crossed her arms. He went past and turned to his classmate sitting behind her. "Hey, Nick, switch seats with me for today."

"What's wrong with your seat, Witter?"

"I gotta talk to Andie. You're leaving in ten minutes when the bell rings, anyway. Come on, Nicandri."

With a groan, Nick stood up and walked to the back, sitting down behind Joey. Then he took the desk behind his ex-girlfriend and leaned forward. "Andie, I'm sorry," he murmured fervently. "Please talk to me. Please."

Her back went rigid. "I've got nothing to say to you, Pacey."

"Well, that's a first, McPhee." He sighed. "Andie, please. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry your date with Will got ruined. I'm sorry you had to find out like that. I never wanted it to happen that way. I never wanted you to get hurt. I would never intentionally hurt you. You have no idea how sorry I am."

Silence.

"And… Well, you said it yourself that we shouldn't feel guilty about moving on and that it naturally has to happen, but I did feel guilty about how it would make you feel and—"

Andie spun around in her chair and eyed him with an angry glint. "I also said we needed to be open and honest with each other about it. You were supposed to be my friend and you lied to my face."

The teacher walked in, shutting the door behind him. "Well, it was more of an omission, to be fair," he replied. Her face hardened. "Andie, I didn't know how to tell you, okay? I didn't even know what to say because I didn't even know exactly what was happening with me and Joey and—"

"I think I've heard enough." She spun back around.

"Andie, I'm sor—" But Mr. Kenyon then began taking attendance, cutting off his desperate whisper.

The rest of the school week went about the same. Dawson wouldn't speak to him, and the couple times he did weren't exactly civil. Joey wouldn't speak to him. Andie wouldn't speak to him. Jack and Jen avoided him, too. Jack had jokingly told him that he'd already been punched once because of a situation involving Joey and he didn't want to risk Dawson's ire again, but then he didn't speak to him for the rest of the week. Jen didn't want to get caught in the middle any more than she already had and asked to be left out of it. Yet they still spoke to Dawson, ate lunch with Dawson, walked to classes with Dawson. It seemed like everyone had taken Dawson's side in this. He felt like a pariah, and again bitterly admitted to himself that Doug had been right, and Dawson had been right. He'd ended up alone.

Every waking moment he wasn't at school or at work, he was down on the docks with the True Love. He'd once hoped to do the regatta with Dawson, but that was now out of the picture. Will had agreed to run it with him, and he arrived on the weekend to go sailing on some practice runs. He'd spent Saturday and Sunday out on the water with both Will and Buzz, who happily came along.

He couldn't wait for the ocean to warm up enough to go swimming. He loved to swim. It gave him a magic feeling, similar to watching the water as they skimmed over it with the boat. All things related to water filled his heart with a sense of peace. Being out there with the wind and the sun in his face was invigorating, and there were moments when he almost forgot the pain.

It was official. The True Love was seaworthy. But the regatta was next weekend and he knew that stormy weather still lay ahead.

May 15. The first thing on Monday, he renewed the lease on the wall he'd gotten for Joey that remained untouched. For the past two weeks, he'd often see her standing or sitting in front of it, staring. Last night, she'd told him she wanted to paint but she wasn't ready to. He was starting to think the wall had become a metaphor in her mind that somehow tied the wall to him and how she felt about him. And there it sat, day after day, unfinished and barely even started.

The Annual Capeside Regatta on Sunday had been a disaster, just like everything else in his life, and walking into school the following morning was no picnic. Everywhere he went, people were staring at him. By now everyone in school knew what had been going on between him and Joey and Dawson. If they'd only suspected before, the regatta confirmed it. There were pats on the back and sympathetic comments about the regatta loss as he moved through the halls—"Tough break, Witter"—but that didn't provide any comfort.

He felt like shit. At least Andie had told him she didn't hate him. But Dawson knew just how hard he'd worked on True Love, knew just what the regatta had meant to him, and he did everything in his power to ruin it. He'd never intentionally hurt Dawson, and for his best friend to treat him with such cruel vindictiveness was crushing. But it wasn't the only thing that was crushing. The fact that Joey nor any of their friends seemed to care that Dawson could've killed him over a boat race was soul-destroying. Feelings of worthlessness were once again threatening to pull him under just as finals loomed.

He turned and walked around the corner, heading to his locker to drop off his backpack before going to lunch, and saw Jack and Jen standing with Dawson in the hall, smiling and talking about something. As he watched them, he could feel anger bubbling in his gut. Taking a deep breath, he started moving again. He felt his anger surge as he walked by them. "Hey, Jack. Hey, Jen."

"…Hey," they murmured in unison, not looking at him. Dawson glared.

He kept moving, clenching his fists, trying to calm himself, but then laid eyes on Joey walking ahead of him. He watched her dark brown hair sway from side to side. Her ponytail swished as reflections from the florescent lighting crackled through it. He could feel his heart pounding and his temples throbbing. But it wasn't long before he turned the corner, losing sight of her, and felt his pulse begin to slow.

Carrying his lunch tray, he walked into the cafeteria, passing the table where Prom Committee members were selling tickets, to see Dawson, Jen, Jack, and Andie all sitting together. Two of them caught his eye and had the decency to look ashamed. Dawson stared at him with a look of triumph. Andie offered him a weak smile, but then lowered her gaze. Knowing that it was only a matter of minutes before Joey herself showed up and joined them, once again leaving him completely ostracized even after what Dawson had done, he clenched his jaw and started moving towards an empty table on the other side of the cafeteria.

With each step he took, he could feel the anger building inside him to a boiling point. The rage was building in his gut, like a seething pit of hot lava burning its way to the surface. He unceremoniously dropped his tray down on the table and turned around, walking back toward his friends.

He stopped just a few feet away, and they all turned to look at him. "This is unbelievable," he spat, and their eyes widened. "You're all acting like I committed a crime, like I freakin' murdered somebody, when Dawson could've seriously hurt, or even killed, me and Will at the regatta. And yet… I mean, what the hell is this?" He sarcastically waved his hand at their table. At least they had the decency to look chastised for a moment.

Then he turned to look directly at his increasingly-becoming-former best friend. "Dawson, I didn't kill your grandmother, I didn't burn down your house, I didn't write Steven Spielberg a scathing letter telling him what a talentless hack you are. I fell in love, man! That's it. I fell in love. It was something I never expected or, frankly, even wanted to happen! But it happened! I fell in love with a girl who broke up with you A YEAR AGO and then you REJECTED!"

His friends all stared up at him, stunned into silence by his sudden outburst. The cafeteria grew quiet. He could hear voices murmuring around him while everyone stared.

"Joey and I betrayed you equally, Dawson. But you forgave her almost immediately, not because you wanted her, but because you wanted to beat me! In order to win, you have to get the girl, right? You only ever wanted her in the first place because I told you I wanted her!"

"You snuck around behind my back," he retorted angrily. "You didn't tell me any—"

"Sophomore year, Dawson! Sophomore year. I came to you and told you I liked Joey, that I wanted to be with her, because I felt like I needed your permission to do something about it. And you told me to go for it, remember?"

Dawson heaved an exasperated sigh.

"'What could be better than my two best friends kissing,' you said. Remember? But after realizing that if we got together it would mean Joey's world would've revolve around you anymore, you reneged. But you still didn't want her! You wanted Jen. You just didn't want me to have her! It's the story of our goddamned life."

Glowering at him, Dawson's eyes filled with hatred.

He shook his head in disgust. "You think you have some sort of monopoly on Joey's history. You act like I wasn't even around. It was the three of us, Dawson! We grew up together. I was there! For all of it! When Joey broke her arm, I sat in the hospital waiting room. And when her mom was sick, I was at the hospital. I was at the funeral. Our entire childhood, Dawson… I've been here the whole time!"

"You've been telling me all year that you and Joey needed to go your separate ways," he went on. "How you both needed to move on. And immediately after rejecting her, you started flaunting Eve all over the place. Crashing boats, buying condoms, putting on a display in front of the whole school, without any regard for Joey's feelings at all. So, it was perfectly okay for you to move on, but you thought she'd just sit around and wait for you to pull your head out of your ass."

Dawson opened his mouth to protest, but Jen laid a calming hand on his arm and shook her head, silencing him. "Let him speak his piece," she said quietly.

"You wanted us all to just move on, and we did! You're just pissed off because it's not the Dawson Leery Show anymore. Me and Joey used to revolve around you, and whatever was going on in your life always took priority over anything else. We all finally moved on, including you, but the moment you found out me and Joey might be moving on together, you play the victim! Because you only care about yourself."

They stared at each other for a moment. "The fact of the matter is Joey's love life is none of your damn business anymore. You don't own her, Dawson. She's her own person, with her own free will. If the only way you can keep her is by emotionally blackmailing her with threats and manipulative control tactics, how can you call that love? You don't care about her happiness. So, I'm done feeling guilty, Dawson. I'm done apologizing."

He turned around and instantly came face-to-face with Joey, who stood there with her mouth open, gaping at him. How long had she been standing there? He swallowed hard. Then he walked off without another word, heading back to the table where he'd abandoned his lunch tray. The cafeteria had erupted in applause, his classmates cheering and whistling. "Way to go, Witter," someone shouted. He knew it was more appreciation for the entertainment his public display provided than any kind of genuine support. It wasn't like his classmates gave a damn about his problem with Dawson and Joey. They just liked to witness the drama of it all.

Heaving a sigh, he stared down at his food. He had no appetite.

"Hey."

His head snapped up and he saw Andie standing there with her backpack over one shoulder and holding her lunch tray with her partially-eaten sandwich. She gave him a half-smile, and her eyes were sympathetic. "Is this seat taken?"

Sitting up straight, he shook his head and gestured to the chair across from him. He watched Andie sit down and tried to smile.

"So, uh…" She pursed her lips and played with her soda bottle. "You liked Joey sophomore year, huh?"

"Andie," he sighed, closing his eyes. "It was before I met you, before you ever moved to Capeside. There was nothing going on while you and me were together, I promise. I loved you more than anything."

She nodded, giving him a sad smile. "I know." She sighed. "I'm really sorry, Pacey."

His brows furrowed in confusion. "What do you have to be sorry about?"

Her eyes became shiny with tears. "I'm sorry for what Dawson did to you yesterday. It wasn't right. You should've won the regatta, and everyone in town knows it. And… And I'm sorry you're hurting. When I said I wanted you to be happy, Pacey, I meant it."

"I know you did, Andie. I want you to be happy, too. You know, Will likes you an awful lot."

She smiled weakly. He took a deep breath, opened his chocolate pudding, and finished his lunch in mostly companionable silence, determined to not look in Dawson and Joey's direction. When he and Andie dropped off their trays at the dish room window, she turned to him. "Do have anyone to study with for finals?" she asked.

"I don't really have any friends at the moment," he replied glumly.

"Do you want a study partner?" Her brow arched. "You know I can be of help. I've helped you before. You know I can do wonders with flashcards, quizzes, and study games, not to mention time management so we pay an equal amount of attention to each subject."

He chuckled and then shrugged in defeat. "All right, Andie. I really don't want to fail my finals, and right now I think there's a good chance of that happening."

She smiled brightly. "Of course, you don't. Especially since your grades have perked up this semester. You don't want to throw away all your hard work."

"Mr. Witter."

Closing his eyes, he groaned and turned around. "Hi, Mr. Kapinos."

The school psychologist frowned. "That was quite the display earlier."

"You saw that, huh?"

"Come see me after your last class, Pacey."

He watched Mr. Kapinos walk away, swearing to himself that every day seemed to suck more than the last.

Later that night, as he gazed up at Doug's living room ceiling, unable to sleep, he came to a decision. Despite losing the regatta, he knew he would've won. He'd proved to his dad that his endeavor to restore True Love had been worthwhile, that he'd made a success of it. Over the past few weeks, the only time he'd ever felt any sense of peace was out on the water. Nearly every waking moment was filled with pain: the pain of Joey's rejection, the pain of unrequited love, the pain of Dawson's hatred, the pain of being alone, of solitary nights and friendless days. He wanted to escape. His summers were rarely ever good, but this one was looking to be the most miserable one yet. He had money in the bank and a boat. He was gonna get the hell out of Capeside.

May 26. Doug helped him with his tuxedo and then he picked up Andie. They soon arrived at Leery's Fresh Fish for the Anti-Prom that had been organized in protest of the Junior Prom Committee's discrimination against Jack. He enjoyed Andie's company, and had honestly wanted to spend the evening with her, and told himself that was the reason he'd asked her. But as soon as they arrived, and he laid eyes on Joey sitting down at their friends' table, all that was forgotten.

He stood by the punch bowl and glanced around. His gaze quickly found Joey, speaking with Jen near the door. In the soft lighting, he could see her face clearly outlined. Her lips curved ever so slightly and her eyes glistened. He swallowed hard. She was so beautiful. And he knew. He knew why he'd come. He burned her image into his mind, knowing as long as he'd live, he'd never see another woman as lovely. He wanted to tell her. He ached to hold her.

Then Dawson appeared, whisking her out to the dance floor again, making sure to stare daggers at him as he did so. After several hours of this—watching Dawson parade Joey around like a trophy, all the while shooting triumphant glares in his direction—he started wondering whether he really was a glutton for punishment.

Later on, Andie had gotten up to use the ladies' room, leaving him sitting at their table. A happy couple sat next to him, gazing moonily at each other and kissing. He wanted to find the nearest cliff. But at the unexpected and welcome sound of Joey's voice, he turned around in his chair. "I've been meaning to ask you something all night, Pacey." He gazed up at her, wondering what that could be. She reached for his hand. "Would you like to dance with me?"

For a moment, he stared at her hand holding his. It was the last thing he'd ever expected her to ask. Then he closed his hand around hers and smiled. "Yes."

Taking him by the hand, she led him to the dance floor. His heart started beating faster. The butterflies came alive. Turning to face each other, Joey slid into his arms. He sighed as her body came into contact with his, and they started to dance. "How come this feels so right?" he murmured.

"I think it was those dance lessons," she replied, smiling, obviously trying to make light of it.

He chuckled at the memory of their week at the dance studio with Penny Pretty as they moved to the music. Her earrings then caught his eye, glittering diamonds that hung from her earlobes. He'd never seen them before. They didn't look right on her. His hand raised to touch one. "Where did you get those? They're not you."

"Why," she replied, as his fingers moved to touch a tendril of her hair. "Because I'm just a poor tomboy, or because Dawson gave them to me?"

He wasn't surprised—Dawson was always trying to cast her in a role—but that wasn't the reason. "Neither. See this?" He took her wrist with the bracelet, holding it up. "This is you. It's not showy, or gaudy. Just simple. Elegant. Beautiful."

"It's my mom's bracelet."

"I know."

Joey looked up at him, surprised. "How do you know?"

The memory of that December morning filled his mind. She'd looked so pretty that day. "Well, because you told me. Six months ago. You were wearing that, uh, blue sweater with the snowflakes that you have. We were walking down the hallways at school. I was annoying you as per usual." She let out a breathy laugh, smiling up at him. "You said, 'Look, Pacey. I just found my mother's bracelet this morning, so why don't you cut me some slack?'"

She scoffed in surprise. "You remember that?"

Vivid memories began flashing in front of his eyes. Sanding and painting True Love, fixing up the B&B, sitting next to her while she ate popcorn, rehearsing the school play in her living room, driving lessons, picking her up in Boston, Aunt Gwen's house. Her fingers entwined with his. Notes in his locker. Her arms around him. The dressing room behind the auditorium. Her lips moving beneath his.

He leaned closer. "I remember everything," he whispered.

Joey's hands slid up his chest to his shoulders as he tightened his hold on her waist and pulled her closer. When she didn't resist, he held her firmly. He bent his head, inhaling the sweet scent of her warm skin and soft hair. She had worn it up off her neck, but some loose strands dropped in wispy tendrils. Then her face was tucked against his, and they were skin to skin. They swayed to the music, their bodies as one. His hand moved up the back of her gown until his fingers caressed the bare expanse of her skin. She felt wonderful against him—warm and firm, yet soft and feminine—and he melted inside.

Then she froze in his arms, and a thin thread of worry slipped through his mind. He pulled back and looked at her. She gazed up at him, misery etching across her face. "Dawson saw us, right?" he murmured.

"I hate this, Pacey," she said.

He frowned sadly at the pain in her eyes. "Go on, Jo. It's okay."

Joey squeezed his arm gratefully and then ran after Dawson.

There was a bench near the door, and a breeze blew soft and cool whenever anyone went in or out of the restaurant. He sat on it and took off his tie before leaning over, his elbows on his knees. Not even two minutes later, Joey reappeared, walking inside. Her eyes met his and then she walked over, sitting down beside him. They sat in silence for several long moments. "What are you thinking about?" she asked.

"Dawson's fourteenth birthday party," he answered.

She threw him a baffled look. "Why?"

He shrugged. "Do you remember it?"

"Yeah, of course I do," she said. "It was at his house."

"Uh-huh."

Joey pursed her lips, fighting a grin. "And we played Spin the Bottle in the living room while Mitch and Gail were in the kitchen pretending to not know."

Nodding, he turned to look at her. "Yep. We played Spin the Bottle."

"And at one point you spun it and it landed on me," she said. "You then moved in as if to kiss me, stopped, and then pretended to vomit while everyone else laughed, even Dawson, which was humiliating to my fourteen-year-old psyche."

"And you got up and ran into the bathroom, crying." He sighed. "I remember."

Joey frowned. "Does anything good ever happen at Dawson's birthday parties?"

Laughing, he shook his head. "Not usually for us. He typically does all right, although his sixteenth was a disaster."

"That it was," she replied.

"I wanted to kiss you, you know," he blurted.

Her brows knitted. "Wha…?"

He stared down at his hands. "When we played Spin the Bottle. I had wanted to kiss you, and I felt terrible that I'd made you cry. I was sick to my stomach over it."

"I know you felt bad."

"You do?"

She nodded, giving him a half smile. "Don't you remember what happened after that? Dawson and everyone kept playing but you sat outside the bathroom door apologizing and trying to coax me out. You kept making stupid jokes to make me laugh, and then I finally came out."

He chuckled, the memory coming back to him. "Yeah."

"So, why didn't you kiss me?"

"Because when the bottle landed on you, Dawson gave me the same look he's been giving me since he found out about us. It's a look I'm very familiar with. So, I pretended to be disgusted and didn't kiss you, but now I'm wishing I had. I wish a lot of things."

Joey gazed at him. "I don't know. Maybe timing is everything."

He looked up at her and their eyes held. "As long as Dawson's in the picture, our timing will probably always be bad."

"Pacey," she whispered. "Please just give me some time to sort it out."

If time was the only thing she wanted from him, then she'd have plenty of it when he leaves Capeside. Andie then appeared in his line of vision. She didn't look happy. His guts twisted into knots of guilt. "Anyway, I should return to my date," he said. "I hope the rest of your night improves. Thanks for the dance, Jo. Take all the time you need." Then he walked away from her, refusing to turn and glance behind him.

May 28. Joey climbed down from Dawson's bedroom window. She started to walk towards the dock but then stopped and stared at the house next door. Without a second thought, she changed course. When she reached the porch, she went up the stairs and knocked on the inside door. Less than a minute later, it opened.

"Josephine Potter? At this time of night?"

"Hi, Mrs. Ryan. I didn't mean to come over this late, but I was next door…" She frowned in disapproval. Joey ignored it. "Is Jen home?"

The older woman shook her head. "She went down to the waterfront with Jack and his sister for some Memorial Day Weekend festivities, but I'm expecting her home any minute. Do you want to come inside and wait?"

She smiled awkwardly. "No, but thank you. I can wait out here for a few minutes."

"Suit yourself, dear. Have a good night." Mrs. Ryan closed the door.

Then she walked out of the porch and sat down on the steps. After waiting about ten minutes, Jen turned up. "Hey, Joey," she greeted, her eyes widening in surprise. "What are you doing here?"

"I was at the Leery's for dinner. Dawson's mom asked me to be her Maid of Honor. After dinner, I asked Dawson if we could go up to his room and watch a movie, and…" She shrugged, the sentence trailing off.

"And?" Jen said, sitting down next to her.

Joey tucked her hair behind an ear and heaved a sigh. "Well, we'd tried that a couple weeks ago and watched E.T. I guess… Bessie had said that growing up means dealing with consequences but… I just want things to go back to the way they used to be before everything became so messy and complicated. And I still want to watch a movie with an ending I know like the back of my hand."

She pursed her lips, thinking. "Movie night in Dawson's bedroom was always my safe space when I was a kid. My life was falling apart, but I had Dawson, and in his room, I could shut myself away from everything that was hurting me. And I knew as long as he was there, I would be all right. I'd still get my own happy ending. But without Dawson, I don't know what my ending would be. The future turns into this scary place where anything could happen that I have no control over. And what if my ending is bad? What if my life ends up a tragedy like my parents? So, I cling to Dawson like a child and am terrified of losing the only security I have left."

Jen nodded in understanding. "And how did that go? Reverting back to being a kid and watching a movie with Dawson?"

"He picked Jurassic Park tonight. I didn't even really pay attention to it, to be honest." She swallowed against the lump forming at the back of her throat. "My mind was elsewhere."

"Pacey?" Jen said quietly.

She let out a shuddering breath, her eyes suddenly filling with tears. "It's becoming more and more obvious that Pacey is growing up. I mean, we're the same age and he just seems so much older all of a sudden. Like, he's turning into a man right in front of my eyes. While me and Dawson…" Her tears welled up and brimmed over, and she hastily brushed them away. "I just want things between the three of us to go back to the way they were before," she said, her voice thick with emotion.

"I gotta be honest with you, Joey. You didn't seem all that happy before. You obviously didn't have this difficult situation to deal with, but I can't say you were happy. You were angry most of the time, even when you were with Dawson, and then over the course of this year I started to see the anger fade. And… what I can say is… That week following Spring Break, when you were with Pacey? You were positively glowing; you were so happy. You could barely keep from smiling at all times. I'd never seen you like that, ever."

She shook her head, trying to fight the emotion welling up inside, but it was no use. Joey hugged her knees, hiding her face, and began to cry, hoarse, racking sobs. Jen slid closer, wrapped an arm around her, and placed a gentle hand on her back. "Everything's gonna be all right, Joey. You'll see."

1995

September 23. On Saturday night, Joey sat up in bed reading the new book she'd gotten for her birthday. Lillian knocked on the door and walked in. "Your sister is staying with Bodie tonight, so you get the bedroom all to yourself," she said.

"Mom, I can't believe you guys let Bessie spend the night with her boyfriend," Joey replied, frowning. "Gross."

"Your sister is twenty-two years old. She's an adult. You won't think it's so gross when you fall in love." Lillian moved over to the bed and climbed up, lying down next to her daughter. "What are you reading?"

"Choose Your Own Adventure," she answered.

Her mother gave her a teasing smile. "And let me guess, did you already skip ahead to the back to find out how to get the happy ending?"

Joey rolled her eyes. "No one wants a bad ending, Mom."

Lillian sighed. "No, they don't. Did you have fun at your birthday party today? I'm sorry your dad had to miss it. We can't really afford to close the restaurant on Saturday afternoon. We need the money right now. He feels terrible about it."

"It's okay. I understand. My party was a lot of fun. Thank you."

"I still can't believe my baby girl is a teenager now."

She chewed on her lip. "I wonder why Pacey didn't come to the party. He kept telling me all week he was coming, and then he doesn't show up."

"Mrs. Witter said something unexpected had come up and he couldn't make it. You'll have to ask him about it at school on Monday."

Scowling, Joey stared down at her book. "He drives me nuts, Mom."

Fighting a grin, Lillian nodded. "I know he does, honey." A glowing smile then spread across her face as she turned on her side to look at her daughter, propping her head up with her elbow. "You know, Pacey reminds me a lot of your dad when he was that age."

"Really?"

"Mm-hmm. Very much." She smiled. "Your daddy drove me nuts, too. He's been driving me nuts for 30 years."

Joey swallowed against a lump in her throat as tears pricked her eyes. "Do you ever wish you hadn't married Daddy?" she murmured.

Lillian's eyes went wide. "Of course not. I wouldn't have had you or Bessie if I hadn't married your father, and I wouldn't trade you girls for the world."

She sniffled and put aside her book before turning on her side and scooting down to lay face to face with her mom. "But pretend you didn't have me or Bessie. Do you regret it?"

"No. Your father is the love of my life. There's no one in the world who can make me feel the way he makes me feel. There's no one in this world who could ever look at me like he does, or kiss me like he does. Were there other young men I knew who may have been a safer choice? Who may have given me an easier life? Yes. But I never would've been truly happy with anyone else. The love we have is once-in-a-lifetime, and I'd marry your daddy all over again."

"But he hurt you," she whispered tearfully.

Lillian reached out and brushed a strand of hair away from her daughter's face, tucking it behind her ear. "Your father and I have been in love since we were kids. We grew up together and there were a lot of growing pains. We've hurt each other a hundred times over. It doesn't mean we don't love each other."

Tears fell from Joey's eyes. "But he really hurt you, Mom. What he's done to you…" She paused, wiping her tears. "I hate him."

"Josephine Potter, don't you ever say that," her mother scolded. "You don't hate anyone, and especially not your father. You love your father. You can be angry at someone and still love them. But there's only so much time I have left on this earth, and I don't want to spend it being bitter and angry at the man I love."

"But how could he do this to you? And it's all over town. Everyone knows."

Lillian's eyes pricked with tears. "Sweetheart, your dad was faithful to me for almost 30 years. He loves me more than life itself. But losing me… he can't cope with it. He's not strong like me and you and Bessie. He's falling apart inside. He's a gentle, tenderhearted man, and the pain is just too much to bear. Some people become desperate and look for ways to escape the pain. They escape by drinking too much, or doing drugs. For others, sex is an escape. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

She brushed away the tears from her cheeks. "But love isn't supposed to be like that. True love means a happy ending. It's supposed to last forever, and not turn bad in the end. You're not supposed to end up with a broken heart. That's what happily ever after means."

"Oh, Joey," her mother sighed. "Real love isn't a fairy tale, honey. True love is hard, and there are no guarantees. It's a leap of faith. It's something you have to work at and fight for. It's a choice you make, every day, to love somebody despite how much they drive you nuts."

"But you could be making the wrong choice and not even know it," she replied tearfully. "You might think you're making the right choice, but then it all falls apart and you don't get the happy ending."

Lillian picked up the book that lay on the bed between them and looked at it for a moment. "Josephine, don't be so determined to make every perfect choice just to get the happily ever after that you forget to actually live. Take risks. Live in the moment. Follow your heart and live the life you want to live, regardless of what the ending might be." Tears filled her eyes. "That's how you live with no regrets. My ending is coming soon, and other than the ending itself and what I'll miss out on in the future, I can say that I don't have any regrets about the life I've already lived. Don't be so afraid of life, my darling. The fun is in the adventure, not knowing the ending."

Joey slid over, tucked herself into her mother, and started to cry.

Author's Notes: From here on out, the story will be somewhat entering canon divergent territory. I've taken liberties in hopes to keep the characters more in-character and fix a lot of the (imo) OOC mess that was S4 and beyond. While some scenes and conversations/events that took place in S5-6 may be similar, the story will diverge significantly about half-way through S4.

Going forward, the Joey in this story will not be the Joey we got in S4. I don't know what happened there. It's like Joey left Capeside in S3 and came back replaced with a pod person. Pacey, too, in a lot of ways. The Joey in this story will be the Joey of S1-3, who didn't have nearly as much hangups as she suddenly did in S4 (For example: sex*). And it was really for no apparent reason other than the writers wanting to manufacture problems out of thin air in her relationship with Pacey to prove it wouldn't work and she belongs with Dawson or whatever the hell they were going for by the end of S4. They had to turn Pacey into a jerk and Dawson into a forgiving nice guy, who ended up having an agenda anyway by the end and using situations to his advantage, which Joey of course fell for. So, bleugh.

In this story, Joey will grow a spine. Pacey won't let his issues with self-esteem turn him into an asshole. And Dawson will not be the hero. He's the worst, and he will continue to be the worst for a long time. My goal with pretty much every major plot development in this fic will be to add real weight—true-to-character circumstances and powerful history—behind what Pacey and Joey say to each other about their relationship and their feelings in that final kitchen scene in the series finale. No matter what happens from here on out, just know that that is the scene I am always working towards.

I hope you enjoy how the story unfolds as it goes canon divergent. As always, I appreciate any and all feedback. Us writers thrive on that sort of thing.

*In the pilot episode of this show, Joey was musing about Dawson's dick size, in S2 it was strongly implied she almost had sex with Jack and the only reason it didn't happen was because he couldn't get it up, she had no problem watching porn in Dawson's bedroom with Jen, Andie, and Abby, and by the premiere of S3, she was taking off her shirt and throwing herself at Dawson, and it's entirely possible she would've gone through with it if he hadn't rejected her, even if for all the wrong reasons. So, the constant melodrama she had with Pacey concerning sex was OOC imo. This fic will attempt to be true to Joey and realistic about teenage sexuality. The show was a good show, but it could also be incredibly sexist when it came to female sexuality, and Joey's sexuality in particular (not to mention, Jen's). I think every decision they made regarding that was with the goal in mind of a Dawson/Joey endgame. If only the writers had realized much sooner that Dawson/Joey was never going to work, I think they would've written S4 and beyond very differently.