May 29. On Memorial Day, he and Doug went to their parents' house. Upon walking in the door, he was immediately greeted by chaos. His eldest sister was in the living room, screaming into the telephone, and there was no doubt her erstwhile husband was on the other end. Their parents were having a heated discussion in the kitchen about the Carrie-and-Jerry situation. He looked around for his nieces, but there was no sign of them downstairs.
He walked into his bedroom to find the girls sitting on the floor playing with some toys, closing the door and frowning because the commotion could still be heard. Upon sight of him, his nieces jumped up and ran to him, hugging his legs. "How're you doing, Piper?" he asked the oldest.
Her mouth curved into a frown and she shrugged. Sighing, he closed his eyes and shook his head. He needed to get these girls out of this house for a while. "Who wants to go for ice cream?"
"Me!" they all shouted excitedly.
After they were back downstairs, he told Piper to get her mom's car keys and then they were walking out the door, leaving the angry chaos of the Witter household behind them. Once the girls were buckled into their car seats, he took off toward Buzz's house, and after his young mentee was collected, he drove them to Reese's Dairy Bar. When they arrived, the place was packed. He silently cursed the tourist season, and was again glad to be getting out of Capeside this summer.
"I want a ice cream cone," Maddie said as he helped her out of her car seat.
"You got it, kiddo."
After telling Buzz to hold onto Piper's hand, he took hold of the twins and they walked over to the back of the long line. Eventually Audrey didn't want to stand anymore and was reaching for him to hold her. As he picked her up and held her in his arms, Buzz suddenly pointed and called out, "It's Dawson!"
He turned sharply, his gaze falling on Dawson, Joey, Jack, and Jen sitting at one of the umbrella-covered picnic tables. Joey was staring back at him while the others glanced around to see where the shouting had come from. His heart constricted. "Put your hand down, Buzz, and stop pointing," he spoke in a low voice, tearing his eyes from Joey's.
"But I wanna go say hi to Dawson," he whined.
"Well, he's busy eating his ice cream and we still have to get ours, okay?"
Buzz accepted it begrudgingly. Slowly, they moved forward in line towards the window. He glanced over at the table with his friends. None of them appeared particularly happy. Joey sat there next to Dawson with a plain vanilla cone, looking rather morose. He felt sorry for her, but his pity was mixed with frustration. She'd made her bed and now she was going to have to lie in it. He was sure this was just a glimpse of what his summer would look like if he stayed, and he was more determined than ever to leave.
They finally got up to the window to order. "What do you want, Piper?" he asked.
"A twist," she replied.
"A twist," her twin sisters mimicked.
The woman on the other side had her pen and pad ready. "Three small twists." He turned to Buzz. "You?"
"Same," Buzz answered.
"Okay, make that four twists." He glanced over at where Joey sat, still frowning at her vanilla cone, before turning back to the lady. "And a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup Sundae. And, uh, see that table over there? With the girl with the dark hair—really pretty? Sitting next to the blond guy?"
She smiled. "You mean Josephine Potter?"
He blinked in surprise. "You know her?"
"Sure," she said, shrugging. "We've known the Potters for years. Shame what happened to the Ice House. That was a nice little restaurant, and just down the street, too. They had great food. We used to help each other out by doing joint promotions."
"Well, can you send the sundae over to her? Oh, and send some napkins with it. She'll need 'em."
The woman smirked. "And who shall I say has bought it for her?"
He shrugged. "Just tell her it's on the house. But don't give it to her until after we're gone. Please?"
She eyed him a moment and then smiled with what seemed like kind sympathy. "Sure thing, sweetie."
"Do you want to pay?" he asked Piper. His niece nodded excitedly and took the cash from his hand, giving it over to the woman behind the window.
One by one, the twists came out and he dispersed them among the kids. Audrey still in his arms, he handed over her ice cream last, and she began to lick as they turned and walked away from the window.
June. On Friday after he got out of work, he drove the Witter wagon back to his parents' house, where Doug was going to be picking him up after he got done with his shift. His stomach tightened into knots of anxiety as he went up the brick steps and onto the porch. As he opened the front door and stepped inside, he wondered if there would ever come a day when he could walk inside his own home and not feel sick.
Immediately upon sitting down on the living room couch, his nieces were all over him like little monkeys. After getting out their excited energy, he got them to sit calmly next to him, with one on his lap, and watch some TV. His parents soon joined him in the room. He watched them crack open cans of beer, and his jaw clenched. "Where's Carrie?" he asked them.
"She's taking a nap," his mother answered.
He glanced up at the clock; it wasn't even eight-thirty. Shaking his head, he sighed and leaned back against the couch. Piper then slid off the couch and climbed into the chair with his dad. "You wanna sit with Grandpa?" John Witter said, his arm going around her as she cuddled against him.
He couldn't remember ever sitting in his dad's lap. But at least his dad seemed to be in a good mood, and so now was probably the best time. It honestly didn't matter what his father said—he was going to do what he had already decided to do—but he figured he should tell his dad ahead of time as to avoid a world of hurt when he showed up back in Capeside at the end of the summer. "So, uh, Pop… there was something I wanted to run by you."
"And what's that, Pacey?"
"I was thinking of going sailing over summer vacation."
His dad took a swig of beer. "Like a fishing trip?"
He hesitated, swallowing hard. "Um, not exactly. Although, I think I'll probably end up doing a lot of fishing. But, uh, I was gonna sail my boat down to the Florida Keys. I already talked to my boss at the video store and he said they can probably hold my position until I get back."
Both his parents turned stunned expressions on him. "Who's going with you?" his dad asked.
"Um…" Should he lie? "Uh, well, no one. It'll be just me and the sea."
"Well, I don't think that's a good idea," his mother remarked to his father, as if he wasn't sitting right there. "Pacey? Going on a sailboat a thousand miles away? And by himself? We'd never see him again. When he screws up, no one will be there to help him."
He frowned and looked at his dad, whose attention had returned to the television screen. "I know you can handle a boat, Pacey. You did well in the regatta—I watched you—but you had your friend with you. It's possible you'll hit some rough waters. We're heading into hurricane season, you know?"
Despite surprise at hearing his dad had even been present at the regatta, let alone believed he'd done well, a deflated feeling began welling up inside him. He could sense his parents weren't going to approve, but he was still determined to go, no matter what. "I know, Pop."
John Witter was silent for a long moment. "Stay near the coastline and don't stray out too far into open waters, you hear me?"
A smile broke out on his face, feeling elated by his father's approval of his summer plans. "Yeah, Dad. Of course."
"And call home every week or your mother will worry."
"I certainly don't want to have to go down to Florida to identify your body," she said. "Which is probably more likely than you think."
He blinked. "Thanks for the vote of confidence, Ma."
His father turned to look at him, his face stern. "Well, your mother is right. You can't afford any screw-ups on this one because it could mean your life, Pacey."
"I understand, Pop. I'll be careful, I promise."
She shook her head. "I don't know about this, John."
"The boy is seventeen years old, Susan," his father told her. "He's almost an adult. He can handle himself."
"All right, all right." His mother raised her hands in defeat.
Sitting back against the couch, the twins snuggled on either side of him, he counted down the days inside his head. In less than a week, he'd be done with school, and then he'd be getting the hell out of here. Spending the summer in Capeside was nothing he wanted to subject himself to. And he had thought last year sucked—with both Andie and Dawson away and Joey lost in a cloud of anger, ignoring him all summer. This summer would be even worse if he stayed. He knew what it would entail—Dawson and Joey painfully trying to force something to work that was just never going to work while he wallowed in the background—and he could feel the anger flood his gut whenever he thought about it. He couldn't wait to be far away from everything and everyone making him miserable.
June 8. On Thursday, he finished the last of his finals and walked out of school at half past twelve, feeling like a free man. He wouldn't even have to look at this place again until September. Doug was parked in the student drop off, waiting for him. He walked across the lawn and soon Andie was walking by his side. "Hey, how'd ya do?" he asked her.
"I think I did all right," she answered coyly. "You?"
"Whose sadistic idea was it to have the trig final and the chemistry final on the same day? Cruel and unusual. I just hope I didn't bomb."
Andie gave him an encouraging smile. "I'm sure you did fine."
"Oh!" he exclaimed, remembering, and unzipped his backpack, pulling out her yearbook and handing it over. "I wrote you a little something in the back."
"Thanks, Pacey," she said, blushing. "Um… you still planning on leaving on your adventure?"
"Yep. Sunday morning. I figure I should at least make an appearance at Mitch and Gail's wedding on Saturday."
"Okay, so… We decided to throw you a going-away party," she said, smiling brightly.
His brows furrowed as he looked down at her suspiciously. "Who's we?"
Andie giggled. "Me and Jack and Jen. Her grandmother got in on it, too. And I invited Will, but unfortunately, he can't make it. He says he wants you to send him a postcard from Key West, though. Anyway, we're gonna have it down by the dock tomorrow night, right in front of the True Love. Don't worry about bringing anything. We've got it all planned. You in?" She waggled her eyebrows.
He felt touched they would do something like that just for him. "Sure, McPhee," he replied, smiling. "I'll be there."
Andie beamed at him and then said goodbye, turning towards the student parking lot. He quickly reached his brother's patrol car. "Hey, Dougie," he said, getting into the passenger seat. "You can just drop me off at the docks."
"And how were your finals?" his brother asked, pulling the car away from the curb. "Math and science today, right?"
"Yep. It was torture."
Later that afternoon, Pacey walked out of the market with his bag of goods to pack away on the boat to see Joey standing there scowling, leaning against the building with her arms crossed. She obviously wasn't happy about something. As he walked away, it became obvious that someone had told her he was leaving Capeside for the summer and she was pissed off.
"Well, I expected you to at least say goodbye," she said.
"Oh, yeah, the goodbye scene. Played that one over a thousand times in my head. I come to you, heart in hand, and announce my plans. You look at me, pained, but then, of course, the Potter sarcasm kicks in and I leave never getting what I came for."
Joey shook her head, throwing her hands up in frustration. "And what is that, Pacey?"
How many times did he have to put himself out there for her? Open himself up to the pain of her rejection over and over again? He was done. He knew what would've happened if he'd come to her to tell her he was leaving: nothing. Saying goodbye would just be too painful, and it would get him nowhere. So, what was the point? "You never ask me to stay. Ever."
"Look, that's not my decision."
"Yes, it is. It always has been. You may be too afraid to make it, but let's be honest with each other, here. The decision to be together or not to be together has always been yours." He turned to see they were in front of the wall he'd leased for her, still unpainted. It seemed fitting that they'd arrive at this spot.
"All I asked for was time."
"And that's exactly what you got. And you're gonna get three more months of it. Maybe by September you'll have finally come to a decision about whether or not you want to be with me." He smiled sarcastically and took a bite of his Three Musketeers candy bar.
Joey scowled, anger flaring in her eyes. "You know, I may be undecided, Pacey, but at least I'm not running away. You can dress it up any way you want, Pacey. It still comes down to the same thing: you're giving up."
Unbelievable. "I'm giving up. You're a piece of work, Potter, you know that? You're the one who ended things between us, so don't talk to me about giving up. I'm the one giving up?"
"Mm-hmm!" Her face pinched in anger.
He chuckled dryly. "Turn around." She obeyed. "It's your wall. It's unfinished… just like us."
She turned back to face him, still scowling. "Believe it or not, Pacey, this is not the ending that I asked for."
"Me neither. But it's the ending we got, isn't it?" He couldn't keep the sarcasm out of his tone.
"Yeah, I guess it is." She glared and walked away.
He turned to watch her go. "And whose fault is that, Potter?" he called after her. "You're the one with the power to change things, here."
Joey kept walking and didn't look back. He gazed up at her wall, and started to wonder if she was right. Was he giving up? Did she just need a little more time? Should he wait? But for how long? And then wait for what? For her just to decide in the end he wasn't worth it? That she'd rather stay with a guy who was all wrong for her because she was too scared to move on with her life? And then it'd be a whole summer wasted wallowing in agony, when he could've been sailing to the Keys and trying to forget about all the bullshit back home. Doug had told him that every time he looked up at the stars, he'd see her face. Well, maybe that was true, but it'd be far better than seeing her around town, joined at the hip with Dawson all summer while she threw sorrowful looks in his direction.
The stars were safer. The stars couldn't hurt him.
On Friday night, he stood at the picnic table in front of the dock where the True Love was moored, watching Andie, Jack, and Jen drive off with Mrs. Ryan. Her story about Thomas Culpepper and having no regrets went around his head. If he left Capeside without showing Joey one last time how he felt about her, would he regret it? Would he return in September and only kick himself, wishing he'd made a last-ditch effort to win the girl of his dreams and free her from her cage?
His mind made up, he threw on his jacket and started walking toward the hardware store.
Standing in front of her wall, he set the can of red paint on the ground and removed the lid. He knew Joey was afraid—afraid to make a choice, afraid to take a chance, afraid to make a leap of faith. But maybe she just needed one last push, and then she'd find the courage. She had needed a push to repaint her ruined mural. She'd needed a push to get her driver's license. She'd needed a push to stand up and fight for Principal Green. And he'd been there for her through it all, pushing and encouraging her. He wanted to let her know that he hadn't given up, that if she decided to make that leap, he'd be there to catch her. The brush lowered into the can. He climbed the ladder, and began to paint.
June 10. The wedding was beautiful, and he was happy for Mitch and Gail, and genuinely touched they had invited him after everything that happened. Maybe it was the fact their son had nearly killed him that had prompted them to bestow a peace offering. He glanced over at Joey, milling about the refreshment table. He walked over and ladled some punch into a glass. She stared at him while he took a sip.
"You look very pretty," he said simply.
"Thanks," she replied, averting her eyes from his in an embarrassed way, tucking her hair behind an ear. She busied herself with straightening napkins. "So, uh, when are you leaving? I didn't get the specifics."
He shoved his hand in his pocket and drank more before answering. "Tomorrow."
Her lips pursed, and she nodded, saying nothing.
"You got anything you want to say to me, Jo?"
Their eyes met and held for a long moment. She opened her mouth to speak, but then Gail called her over. The dancing was about to begin. He walked over to the back porch, and waited. A little while later, when Joey finally approached him and told him her decision, he wasn't surprised. Disappointed, but not surprised. Well, he'd tried. He'd done everything he could think of. It was her choice, and she made it. If only she'd made it sooner, instead of this long, drawn-out melodrama that had been the past two months of their lives.
And it was clear Dawson still hated him. He was disappointed by that, but again, not surprised. With a deep breath, he pushed the pain away, as far down as he could manage. He walked away from his best friend, feeling numb. He'd lost both Joey and Dawson, but he'd think about that later. He'd have all the time in the world to think about it over the summer, and probably for the rest of his life.
May 29. At a picnic table with an umbrella in the center, Joey sat beside Dawson while Jen and Jack regaled them with their prom woes. She had no desire to add to the discussion, and Dawson didn't seem keen on talking about the prom either. Jen had broken up with Henry Parker for what seemed like the tenth time and Jack was miserable about the way he left things with his friend Ethan. Dawson and Jack then left the table to finally stand in line to get them their ice cream, leaving her alone with Jen.
"You haven't said much."
"I have nothing positive to say about the prom," Joey replied.
Jen frowned; her lips pursed at the corner. "Was there any part of prom you enjoyed?"
She swallowed, hesitating. "Not really."
"I saw you dancing with Pacey, though," Jen said quietly, her voice just above a whisper.
"I can't say I enjoyed it." She propped her elbows on the table, and then crossed her arms and shrugged. "Well, I mean, I did, but I think it just made me sad, more than anything. That's honestly how I feel when I'm around Pacey now. So, while part of me enjoyed the dance and didn't want it to end, another part of me was just sad about the whole situation. And then Dawson went and blew up over it."
Around them, families were filling up the other umbrella-covered picnic tables. "Yeah, I saw him leave and then you ran out after him," Jen said. "But I didn't see him come back inside. I take it the conversation went bad?"
She frowned again, face pinched as she stared down at the table. "That's an understatement," she snarked. "He orchestrated the whole Anti-Prom, not for Jack's sake, but as a play to make me choose him. Please don't tell Jack, though, okay? I don't want Dawson's behavior to start bringing everyone else down."
"I wouldn't want to tell Jack that, believe me," Jen remarked. "You know I love Dawson and we're good friends and we trust each other, but I gotta say… when he gets his mind settled on something, he'll do whatever it takes. Unfortunately, he doesn't mind fighting dirty." She scoffed. "Remember sophomore year? After me and Dawson had broken up? I had a date with Cliff to the carnival, and Dawson concocted that whole double date?"
"Yeah, by using Mary Beth and lying to her," Joey grumbled disapprovingly. That had also been the night Pacey had kissed her in front of her house. He'd kissed her first, before Dawson ever did. She pushed that thought away. Then she shook her head, frowning again at the memory from prom night. "He kissed me."
Confusion etched across Jen's expression. "Dawson?"
She glanced over to see Dawson and Jack moving closer to the stand's window. "Yeah. After he saw me dancing with Pacey and confessed the whole Anti-Prom scheme."
"And how did that go?"
"It reaffirmed something I've known for a while now," she said.
Jen arched her brows, giving her an expectant look. "Which is?"
Again, Joey glanced over to the line where Dawson and Jack stood. They were moving up to the window to order. "That I'm not in love with Dawson anymore." It was the first time she'd spoken the words out loud, and felt as if a weight had been lifted.
"That couldn't have been an easy truth to accept."
"Honestly? It's terrifying, Jen. Months ago, I had started talking about my feelings for Dawson in the past tense, but didn't really want to think about it too much, and then when Pacey kissed me… I knew for sure. I admitted the truth to myself: I don't love him like I used to. I mean, Dawson is my best friend, and he'll always be my best friend. I think a part of me will always love him in that way, but that's as far as it goes. And after Dawson kissed me at prom, I can say that's as far as it's ever gonna go. I know that now, and the revelation that everything I thought I knew about myself and my future was completely wrong just fills me with such fear that it keeps me frozen in place, unable to move in any direction. And I know Dawson wants more than friendship, and still believes we're soulmates and everything will work out just the way he's always said it will."
Jen leaned over the table. "And now you don't believe in the whole soulmates thing? That it's meant to be? That you'll always find your way back to each other, as he likes to say? That you and Dawson will get your happy ending?"
She pursed her lips, thinking it over, hard truths circling her mind that she didn't want to speak out loud. She pushed those thoughts away. "Well…" She sighed, her brows knitting. "But I don't want to lose him. I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to hurt anyone. I'm tired of hurting people. And I'm only hurting myself in the process."
Dawson and Jack were now heading back carrying four ice cream cones, and they ended the conversation. When the guys reached the picnic table, they took their seats beside her and Jen. "Small vanilla cone," Dawson said, as he handed over the ice cream. "Your favorite."
Joey stared for a moment, swallowing hard, and then took the ice cream from his outstretched hand. It was such a small thing, and yet she found herself feeling trapped, as if the vanilla cone was going to suffocate her. She wanted to get up from the table and run away but she didn't; needed to scream but kept silent. And then she saw him. Her heart jumped and her breath caught in her throat. She hadn't seen him since Friday night at the prom, since she'd come to some realizations about herself.
Pacey was surrounded by children, Buzz and three little girls. They had to be his nieces. One of the girls, with blond hair pulled into two pigtails, threw her hands up, silently begging for him to hold her. He smiled and picked her up off the ground just as Buzz laid eyes on their table and shouted for Dawson. She watched Pacey's head turn in the direction of their table, and his eyes locked with hers for a long moment before he turned away.
The sight of him holding a child in his arms didn't make Joey's heart beat any slower. It did strange things to her insides, making them go all soft. For a second, she could imagine Pacey holding a child of his own and doing all the things a dad would do—changing diapers, singing songs, playing tea party or throwing a ball around, telling bedtime stories, tucking the covers around the child at night. Their child.
Her mind froze. Where had that thought come from? What was wrong with her? She was supposed to be forgetting about Pacey. She couldn't possibly choose between what she might have with him, and her lifelong friendship with her best friend. Dawson was a sure thing. Pacey was the great unknown. It was best to be just friends with the both of them, and leave it at that. Nothing more. It was safer that way for everyone involved. How could she let the sight of Pacey holding his niece change anything?
But somehow it did, and Joey could feel her resolve weakening. Dawson, Jen, and Jack spoke around her, but she wasn't exactly sure what they were talking about. She tried her best to ignore him, but her gaze was drawn to Pacey like a magnet as he moved forward in the line. He still held his niece with pigtails in one arm, while the other two played with his other hand or hugged him about his leg. It was obvious Buzz was speaking excitedly about something, and Pacey would smile and give him his full attention even though the girls clung to him. She wondered what they were talking about, and wished she was standing in line with them instead of sitting at this table.
"Maybe we should invite him over," suggested Jen. "Extend an olive branch. This thing between you two can't go on forever."
"It can," Dawson retorted. "Pacey ruined everything, and there's no going back. Do you think I'll ever be able to trust him again? That's not my fault. He made his choices."
Joey frowned. She'd hoped that in time Dawson's anger would dissipate, and they would be able to speak about Pacey calmly. That in time, he'd become accepting and forgiving, and then she would be free to go after what she wanted without fear of repercussions. That in time, they'd get their friendship on track to the point where it didn't matter who she dated. It was obvious that time was probably far off into the distant future, if it ever came at all.
She ate some of her ice cream, but then didn't want anymore, and tossed half of it in the nearby trash can. Her fingers were all sticky. "Did you get any napkins, Dawson?"
He stopped talking mid-sentence and turned to look at her. "Uh…" He glanced at the table. "No, I didn't. You want me to go get some?"
"No, that's okay." She frowned and then wiped her hands on her jean-clad thighs. Looking up, she watched Pacey and the kids walk away from the window, ice cream in hand. The pigtailed toddler bouncing on his hip held onto the cone and licked her ice cream before offering some to Pacey. He smiled, opened his mouth wide, and little girl giggled before feeding him from her cone.
As Joey watched them cross the street together, heading for the waterfront, Pacey making sure everyone held hands and looked both ways before they crossed, she filled with an aching loneliness she couldn't even put into words, an awareness that something was missing from her life, that feeling of emptiness that had crept into her heart since the night she broke things off with him suddenly intensifying.
"Miss Potter?"
The voice pulled her from her reverie. She turned to see Mr. Palmer, an older gentleman whose family owned Reese's Dairy Bar. He had a white apron tied around his waist and was standing in front of their table. He was holding a Peanut Butter Cup Sundae. "This is for you," he said, setting the dish down in front of her along with a spoon. "On the house."
She was stunned; she'd never gotten anything free there before. "Wow. Thanks, Mr. Palmer."
The older man smiled. "You know, we still feel awful bad your family's restaurant burned down. Maybe someday you'll fix it up again, but I know you and your sister are running the bed and breakfast now and I'm sure that keeps you very busy."
"Yeah, it does." She wasn't sure how the Palmer's knew that the Peanut Butter Cup Sundae was her favorite, as she rarely ever ordered it. She'd only been allowed on special occasions when she was younger, as a cone was much cheaper, and then the only times she'd gotten it in recent memory were when she was with Pacey and they'd shared it. She wasn't one to splurge on herself. Her gaze turned in the direction Pacey and the kids had walked off. Did he…?
Mr. Palmer's eyes then widened as if he remembered something he'd forgotten. He pulled some napkins from the pocket of his apron and offered them to her. "I was told you'd probably need these."
"Thank you," she said, taking the napkins from his hand. The words dried up in Joey's mouth as her heart leapt inside her chest, her insides continuing to soften. Pacey.
The man turned to leave. "Wait, uh… Do you have any more spoons, so I can share with my friends?" she asked. "There's no way I can eat the whole thing myself."
He nodded and pulled out three more spoons from his apron pocket. "Enjoy," he said before walking off.
"Wow, that was nice of them," Jack commented. "Apparently being well-known in this town must have its perks for some people."
She rolled her eyes, fighting a grin. "Trust me. This is probably the one and only time the Potter name will come in useful." She could feel Dawson staring at her, and she refused to look at him. Instead, she picked up a spoon and dug into her sundae, conflicting thoughts of Pacey swirling inside her head.
June 9. Joey stood in front of her wall, staring up at "ASK ME TO STAY" painted in large red letters. Her feelings for Pacey, the strong connection she felt to him, welled up inside her. It was Pacey who pulled the car over on that cold March morning and turned her body and her world upside down. It was Pacey who had made everything she'd once felt for Dawson seem like… less.
For most of her life, she had loved Dawson, and believed he was the one for her. Yet when it finally happened, when she finally got everything she'd always thought she wanted, almost immediately it had felt like something was missing. Being in a relationship with him wasn't what she thought it was going to be. It seemed like they were always searching for something more with each other, but couldn't find it. It never felt quite right. Things never really clicked once they became a couple.
Not like this.
And now she knew why.
It was never Dawson she was supposed to click with. It wasn't him she needed. It wasn't him who made her fall head over heels to the point of complete abandon.
It was his best friend.
Since they were kids, she was inexplicably, undeniably consumed with thoughts about Pacey. Every little thing he did got under her skin, and sometimes she would obsess for days over something he had said or done—or not said or not done—to her, no matter how seemingly insignificant. She had cared far too much for someone who claimed to not care at all, and had worked hard for years to suppress and deny just how much she cared.
After the prom, when she came home to Bessie and cried her eyes out, she had finally stopped denying it. It was no use lying to herself anymore. She had fallen in love with Pacey. She didn't know when exactly—maybe it was a string of moments added up together instead of a singular event—but she knew the truth when he kissed her. And she had spent so long harboring feelings she constantly denied, that it was possible she'd known the truth way before that ever happened.
As the details fell into place in Joey's mind, fitting together like puzzle pieces, the inevitable questions followed, the same questions that had been plaguing her for the past two months. What would happen if it all fell apart? What if this thing with Pacey crashed and burned in the end? And she'd sacrificed her friendship with Dawson for it? What if he hated her for it and would never forgive her? And she ended up all alone and brokenhearted, with no love and no best friend? Was taking a chance with Pacey worth giving up Dawson, possibly forever?
She'd told Dawson earlier that night that the reason she'd broken things off with Pacey was because she didn't want to lose him. She wouldn't just be losing his friendship, but she'd be losing Mitch and Gail and the security his family gave her. They felt like family to her, and they treated her like family. She'd never forget Gail telling her that she thought of her as her own daughter. Her life was so intertwined with his, that to have that all ripped away from her was something she couldn't bear. But still she told him that if there had been a chance Dawson could forgive her, if there had been a chance that she wouldn't lose him, she might not have chosen to end things with Pacey. The way Dawson had responded hadn't given her any hope.
"Well, then I'm glad you made the right choice, Joey," he'd said. "I know things are difficult right now, but in time you'll see. Hindsight is 20/20, you know? You'll look back and realize you avoided making a huge mistake. You avoided taking unnecessary detours off the road that's going to take you where you're destined to be."
"And where's that, Dawson?"
"Right back here. You and me. Dawson and Joey. What we have is magical, and anything else will only pale in comparison."
She'd said nothing in reply. And so, the answers to those questions continued to be the same. Fear of Dawson's anger and hatred choked her, paralyzing her from moving forward.
June 10. Joey wanted to escape from the pain. She wanted to curl up into a ball and weep. She wanted to go home and find her mother there and ask her to make it all better. Instead, she asked Dawson for a camera.
"Jo?"
She turned around, determined to mask her emotions. "Yep."
"Don't I even get a goodbye?" Pacey asked.
Although she had berated him a couple days ago about his plan to just leave without saying goodbye, she hadn't been prepared for it. This was it? This was really the last time she was going to see him for the next several months? This was their ending? Now she knew exactly why Pacey had wanted to avoid a goodbye scene. Saying goodbye was too painful, but she tried to keep her face like a wall.
"Goodbye, Pacey."
Her face then crumpled as she turned away to her fate.
Steeling herself, pushing her pain away, Joey took the camera back towards the dance floor and snapped some photos of the happy couple. She also got Bessie and Bodie to smile for her. It wasn't long before Dawson asked her to dance. As they moved to the music, a chasm of sorrow cut through her heart. If only Pacey had been there to dance with her instead. If only she and Pacey had the whole summer together to look forward to. Now her summer looked lonely and bleak.
"You know, I used to be able to look in your eyes and know everything you were thinking," Dawson told her. "These days? I haven't a clue."
"I was just thinking about this summer," she said. It was partly true. And maybe it wouldn't be so bleak. She'd have her best friend with her, after all. It wouldn't be so lonely. "How much there's gonna be to do, and… I mean, we didn't get a chance to spend last summer together, you and I. We're gonna have a lot to catch up on. There'll be waterskiing with your dad, and, um… Fourth of July on Waldeck Island and… We can even go into Boston for the weekend. I mean, that would be fun."
Just her and her best friend, thick as thieves all summer long, just like old times. It was a closeness she'd never know with Pacey, and then the truth of that realization only made the chasm cut deeper until she could feel her heart breaking. She lowered her gaze, chewing her bottom lip, desperately trying to fight back the tears.
"Yeah. You know, we could even take a little road trip up to Vermont and visit Aunt Gwen. I can't promise I'll participate in karaoke this time, but it would be nice to see her new house."
At the mention of Aunt Gwen's house, her heart felt like it shattered in her chest. Thankfully the song immediately ended, and she quickly made some excuse about needing to use a restroom. Joey hurried inside the house and up the stairs, locking herself inside the bathroom. Her back up against the door, she let the tears come. What if Pacey never came back? What if something happened to him? Or he just decided to stay in Florida and never set foot in this town again? Never wanted to see her again?
Eventually her sobs subsided and she wiped her tears away. Suddenly there was a knock on the door. "Joey, honey?"
It was Gail. Fresh tears filled her eyes as she unlocked the door and opened it. Dawson's mom frowned in sympathy and stepped inside the bathroom, closing the door behind her. "Why the tears?"
She pursed her mouth, chewing on her bottom lip. "Pacey left."
Gail sighed and moved to stand beside her, leaning back against the bathroom counter. "You know, when I proposed to Mitch, I told him that I didn't want to let fear of making the same mistakes prevent us from being together. There are a lot of good reasons to not be with someone, Joey, but fear isn't really one of them." She cleared her throat and turned, taking both Joey's hands in hers. "I'm so thankful you were here to celebrate this special day with us, and that you stood up as my Maid of Honor. It meant so much to me to have you share this with our family because you mean the world to us, Joey. So, if you need to leave now and go find Pacey…"
"But the reception isn't over yet. I couldn't leave in the middle..."
"It's okay, Joey. You did your part and I'm so grateful."
"But Dawson…"
"It's your life, honey. I know I'm not your mother, that I can never truly fill Lillian's shoes, but I think I can speak for your mom here. She would want you to be happy. And I don't think she'd want you to let fear prevent you from being happy." She took a deep breath. "Well, I should return to my husband and our guests. Just know that whether you decide to stay or leave, Joey, it's fine by me."
"Thank you. I appreciate it—really I do—but I can stay. We haven't even heard Dawson's Best Man speech yet, so…"
Gail gave her a sad smile and squeezed her hand before walking out of the bathroom.
Then for a long time, there was only silence, and the longer it went on the more Joey could feel her future slipping away. She was stuck here with Dawson, not making any progress, not moving forward or backward. It suddenly was as if she was sinking in quicksand. Down, down, down; deep into a pit of despair. And with Pacey gone, she felt like she was sinking with nothing to hold onto. She then realized she'd been sinking for a long time, and Pacey had spent the past year trying to pull her out, but now she was going to lose herself and suffocate.
He'd told her at Aunt Gwen's house that he couldn't be the one always initiating, that he couldn't be the one giving her all the answers. He was right. Pacey couldn't pull her out of the quicksand. She'd have to pull herself out. She'd have to fight for the life she wanted. Her mind made up, Joey unlocked the bathroom door and stepped out.
Dawson had been her rock. When she was lost, her world upside down and falling apart around her, he had been her true north. He'd been the person she'd needed most in that time of her life. He'd helped her get through the worst imaginable, and she'd emerged from that dark period not utterly broken as a person because of him.
But that was then. And this was now. He wasn't who she needed now. Dawson had helped her walk at a time when she could barely stand, but now she was ready to run and she couldn't let him hold her back any longer. Now it was time to finally grow up, to spread her wings and fly, for the first time in her life, even if that meant leaving him behind if he wouldn't let her go.
Back outside, her gaze quickly found him on the dock. Her stomach in knots, Joey walked out there to join him. "Hey," she said.
"Hey," he greeted. "I'm practicing the Best Man speech. Kinda nervous…"
She hesitated, but then Pacey's face swam in front of her eyes. Courage welled up inside her, and she suddenly considered the whole ordeal with a peace of mind that surprised her. "I'm sorry, but I can't do this, Dawson," she finally spoke.
His brows furrows in confusion. "Do what?"
"This." She gestured her finger back and forth between them. "I have to go."
"What are you saying, Joey?"
"Six weeks ago, I sat in your bedroom and told you that I needed Pacey."
Dawson's face hardened.
She felt a lump growing at the back of her throat and swallowed against it. "It was the truth, and sometimes the truth hurts. The truth frees you from the pain and anxiety of keeping it hidden, but it also comes with consequences—consequences that I was too afraid of. The thing about telling the truth, Dawson, is that although it means I'm doing the right thing by being honest with you, it doesn't mean that what I have to say is anything you want to hear. And the last thing in the world I ever want to do is hurt you."
He stared, breathing hard.
Tears filled her eyes. "I care about you and our friendship, Dawson. You know I do. I always will. You're my best friend. And I don't want you to hate me, or feel like you can never forgive me." Her tears brimmed over, falling, and she let out a shuddering breath. "But my heart is breaking," she choked.
"Because of Pacey."
"I can't live without him."
His mouth became an angry line. "I'm sure you can, Joey."
She shook her head. "But I don't want to. I have to go. I'm sorry." She started to turn away, but his angry retort stopped her.
"You're making a colossal mistake," Dawson said, his eyes shiny, emotion creeping into his voice. "Where do you think this thing with Pacey is gonna end up? What makes you think a relationship with him will work better than ours? All roads lead back to me, Joey. We're soulmates, and there's no getting around it. We get the happy ending. You said so yourself."
She wanted to tell him he was wrong, and explain just how wrong he was, but didn't want to add insult to injury. "If all roads lead back to you, then it doesn't matter which road I take, does it?" she replied, sarcasm creeping into her tone. She shook her head, not wanting to fight. "I have to go. Otherwise I'll never know and I'll always regret it. I can't live with that kind of regret, Dawson."
"Think about what you're walking away from, what you'll be missing out on. You say you don't want to live without him, but you're perfectly fine living without me?"
"Dawson, I don't want to live without our friendship either. But you don't seem to understand that the way I feel about Pacey and the way I feel about you are completely different. You forced a competition when there never was one. It doesn't have to be one or the other. Being with Pacey doesn't mean I've replaced you, that I'm giving up my friendship with you."
He scowled. "That's exactly what it means, Joey."
She wiped the tears from her face. "Only because you're making it that way! I want us to still be friends, Dawson. So, if anyone is giving up our friendship, it's not me. It's you. And I'm not going to let you hold that over my head anymore. I'm not going to let fear stop me from doing what I want." She took a deep breath. "I have to leave, Dawson." She made to turn and go.
"What about all our promises?" he demanded, and she turned back around. "The pacts we made? Were they just meaningless to you?"
"We were kids, Dawson," she pleaded, feeling frustration rise up inside her. "Things change, people change. We need to grow up. But growing up doesn't have to mean growing apart, Dawson. You're a huge part of my life, and you'll always be my best friend."
Angry tears welled up in his eyes and a desperate look etched across his face. "You're making a huge mistake, Joey! You're going to bitterly regret this. Pacey is going to want you to have sex with him, and he's not someone who's going to wait forever. Sex is all he cares about, and he's gonna expect you to give it up, or he'll just move on to someone else who will."
She had the sudden urge to slap him, anger flooding her stomach like molten lava. Why did he keep making this about sex? How could he say something so unfair, and so untrue? Did he really believe that? Did he not know Pacey at all? Or was he just hurt and blindly lashing out like a wounded animal? She had her own thoughts on the subject of sex and Pacey, but she knew they were nothing Dawson wanted to hear. She stood by what she had told him—that being truthful was the right thing to do—but sometimes honesty could be needlessly hurtful, and she was hurting him enough right now.
"I have to go now, Dawson. I'm sorry. I hope you can forgive me."
Joey turned and quickly walked away. Soon she was running and she didn't look back.
By the time Pacey arrived back at Doug's apartment, he had changed his mind about his departure plans. He was going to leave today. After he changed out of his clothes, Doug walked in the door, home from his shift. "So, how was the wedding?" his brother asked.
"Mitch and Gail looked very happy," he replied, not knowing how to even begin to describe how he felt about what else happened at the wedding.
"And did you talk to Joey while you were there?"
He avoided looking at his brother while he packed up the last of his summer clothes into a box on the living room couch. "Uh, yeah, a little bit."
Shoving his hands in his pockets, Doug lowered his gaze and sighed. "You know, at the diner this morning, some folks were talking about some big sign that had been painted on a wall downtown that just seemingly went up overnight."
"You don't say."
"Yeah, they were very curious about it. So, after breakfast, I decided to take a drive downtown and see for myself. That was you, Pacey, wasn't it? You painted the sign?"
His clothes were all folded and packed up. Now he just needed to grab some things off the bathroom sink and he was ready to leave. "Yes, Dougie. That was me."
His brother walked further into the room, heading for the kitchen. "I take it she didn't ask you to stay."
"No, Doug. She didn't ask me to stay." He retreated to the bathroom, where he grabbed up his toothbrush and toothpaste along with other personal care items, and emerged with the last of his belongings to pack up.
"You're not leaving tomorrow, are you?"
He dropped the toiletries into the box. "No. I'm leaving as soon as possible. I just gotta call Buzz first to say goodbye. The kid has abandonment issues, you know? If I were to leave a day early without saying anything… Well, I don't want to screw the kid up any more than he already has been."
Doug nodded silently and retreated to his bedroom. Once he got on the phone and called Buzz, promising to see him at the end of the summer when school starts back up, he was ready to go. His brother then returned to the living room, changed out of his deputy uniform. "You should probably give Mom and Dad a call, too. They think you're leaving tomorrow. And you don't want to just take off without saying goodbye to your nieces. They adore you, Pacey, and they're not going to see you for months."
"Are you trying to stop me from going, Dougie? Or stall me? Are you thinking I'll change my mind?"
"Well, I do wish you'd reconsider. Running away from your problems isn't going to solve them. But no, Pacey, I'm not trying to stop you."
There was only one thing that could've changed his mind about staying, and it didn't happen. Now nothing was going to stop him. He didn't want to spend another minute in Capeside. The sooner he put this place behind him, the better. But he did get on the phone and say goodbye to his parents, his sister, and nieces, promising them he'd come home in one piece. Then he figured he may as well call Gretchen, and got on the phone with her as well.
After he finally hung up the phone, wanting to be done with phone calls and goodbyes, he turned to his brother. An awkward silence filled the air. "You're gonna miss me, Dougie, aren't you? Admit it. I mean, who will you get to decoupage with you all summer?"
His brother rolled his eyes. "I will neither confirm nor deny such a statement."
Smiling, he stepped forward and pulled his big brother into a hug. "Thank you, Doug. For everything."
"Anytime, little brother." Doug squeezed tight for a brief moment and then let go.
He gathered up his box and walked toward the door, opening it. He turned back and gazed at his brother a moment. "Goodbye, Doug."
An alarmed expression spread across his brother's face. "You are coming back... right, Pacey?"
His stomach tightened and he swallowed. It had always been his plan to come back, but somewhere in the back of his mind he also hadn't ruled out the unique appeal of never returning. "Of course, Doug. The plan is to be back Labor Day Weekend, and the plan hasn't changed." Yet.
His brother seemed to accept this, and smiled with relief. After one last hug goodbye, he walked out, closing the apartment door behind him.