October 19. On Thursday morning, Pacey drove the Witter wagon to the Potter B&B to pick up Joey for school. She walked out her front door with a slight frown and was soon in the front seat beside him. "You're late," she said as she buckled her seat belt.
"I know, I know." He put the car into reverse to back out of the driveway. "But only five minutes this time. So… an improvement, eh?"
Joey threw him a look; he'd been late every day this week. "Pacey, how much longer are you going to be taking Andie's homework to and from school?"
He shook his head. "I don't know. Until she's ready to come back, I guess."
Although she felt for Andie and sympathized with her present situation, and had even spent some time visiting her on Sunday, Joey couldn't help feeling somewhat annoyed by the fact Pacey had now become her errand boy. "And why can't Jack take care of her homework? Why does it have to be you? I mean, he's her brother, he lives with her, and he goes to our school. There shouldn't be any reason why Jack can't get her assignments and then turn them in for her."
"Jack and Andie aren't getting along too well at the moment," he replied. "They keep fighting about Jen. I'm helping her out because I'm her friend. I mean, she was the only one there for me last spring when all that bullshit went down. The least I can do is schlep her homework assignments to and from school, right?"
"Right."
His stomach twisted at the tone in Joey's voice, sensing her irritation. "Anyway, I'm sure she'll be ready to come back next week. I think she just needs a few days to get over the sting of embarrassment." He frowned as he looked over at his girlfriend, staring out the window and saying nothing in reply. "Am I gonna see you after school today?"
"I'm working tonight."
"I know, but not until five o'clock. You'll have a couple hours before you gotta be there."
"Don't you have to go see Andie when you get out?"
"Well, yeah… but that'll only take a few minutes."
"You've said that almost every day this week and then those few minutes turn into an hour."
He heaved a sigh. "Jo…"
"It doesn't matter. Spend as much time over there as you need. I think I might just work some more on my mural this afternoon before I head to the yacht club."
"Okay…" They both chose silence for the rest of the drive.
After arriving at school and parking the Jeep in the senior lot, they started walking towards the front entrance. Pacey reached out and took Joey by the hand. Glancing over at her, he could almost see the annoyance seeping out of her pores. He knew how he'd feel if the situation were reversed, if she was spending every morning and afternoon alone with Dawson up in his bedroom, even if it was just to deliver homework. He stopped walking and pulled her into his arms. "This isn't how I want to spend the day, Jo."
"What?"
"With my stomach in a knot because you're mad."
"I don't want to argue about Andie, Pacey."
"Is that what we're doing? Arguing?" He watched her pull her face into a glum expression. "Jo, you have nothing to worry about. There's nothing to be jealous over."
"I'm not jealous," she denied, albeit almost too strongly, and inwardly chided herself.
He pursed his lips and have her a look of disbelief. "Face it, Potter. You kinda have a bit of a jealous streak." She refused to meet his eyes, and he paused until she finally looked up at him. "I love you, Joey. I am in love with you. For as long as I live, there will never be anyone else for me. And even if I have to deliver Andie McPhee's homework to her every day for the rest of the school year, nothing is going to change that."
She laughed in spite of herself and heaved a sigh. Joey lifted her mouth, and with immeasurable gentleness, Pacey brushed his lips against hers, warm and comforting and extremely tender. He lifted his head. Her brown eyes were softly, intensely focused on him. "I love you, Pacey."
"I know," he said, smiling.
As they turned together, Joey once again placing her hand in his, they laid eyes on Dawson. Her stomach twisted at the look of disappointment and disapproval in his face. His gaze then moved slightly over to Pacey, and they locked eyes. Dawson stared at him with a look of pure disdain, almost hatred, before turning and walking up the steps toward the open doors.
"What the hell was that about?" he asked, feeling stunned.
"I have no idea, Pace. I mean, Dawson has seen us kissing before."
"A lot by now, I would imagine. I don't know what I did to piss him off this time."
She frowned. "Not just you. He wasn't exactly happy to see me either. He was fine yesterday. I don't get it."
Once inside, and after a brief stopover at their lockers, Joey gave Pacey a quick kiss outside his Homeroom door and he walked into the classroom. He took his usual seat beside his former best friend, who obviously refused to look at him. Leaning over, he whispered, "Hey, man, did I, uh… did I do something to you? I mean, recently?"
"I don't know, Pacey," Dawson replied, before turning to look him, a steely glint in his eye. "Did you?"
What? Before he could reply, Mr. Mathieson began taking attendance. Once the Pledge of Allegiance and the morning announcements were over, the bell rang and he watched Dawson walk out with the other students departing for their 1st period classes. As hard as he tried, he couldn't come up with a reason he had suddenly incurred more of Dawson's anger.
Later, he left his government class and walked with Jen to her locker, conveniently placed near his girlfriend's. Upon seeing him approach, Joey smiled, and he dipped his head to kiss her. "So, how was AP English with Dawson?"
Her mouth curved into a frown. "I tried to say hello and talk to him, but other than saying 'Hi', he wouldn't really speak to me. I don't know what I did."
"Oh, my God," their friend groaned next to them as she closed her locker. Her brows knitted as she turned to face them with a pained look. "I think it's my fault. I'm so sorry. I just wasn't thinking, and—"
"Jen, what are you talking about?" Joey questioned. "Did something happen with Dawson?"
She adjusted her backpack over her shoulders. "He came over last night, just to see how I was doing, and…" Sighing, she rubbed her brow with her fingers. "He saw the Yes PLEASE! packet in my room and started asking about it, like what it was, where it was, did I go by myself…" She groaned again. "Joey, I'm so sorry, but I couldn't lie to Dawson. I was so consumed with what happened with Andie and the fact Jack is icing me out, that I honestly didn't give the potential consequences of telling him about the sex ed class much thought. But he got upset that I would go with you guys, knowing how much he'd be hurt by something like that… So, now Dawson's mad at me, too. I can't catch a break, it seems."
Pacey scoffed and shook his head, Dawson's dirty looks and the comment in Homeroom suddenly becoming all too clear. Joey's stomach was doing somersaults, and she gave her boyfriend a crestfallen look. "Great," she muttered.
"Well, I can pretty much guess that whatever small progress Dawson might've made towards tolerating my presence has essentially just been erased," Pacey remarked.
"Please don't be mad at me, you guys," Jen pleaded.
"Don't worry about it," he replied kindly. "It's no big deal. Honestly. Dawson needs to just get over it already."
At a loss as to this turn of events, Joey could only shrug helplessly. This was the last thing she needed. The bell rang, and with a heavy sigh, Jen walked away. Pacey then took his girlfriend's hand in his, threading their fingers, and they started heading to Spanish. "The sex ed class is probably a real blow to a guy obsessed with your virginity," he said quietly as they walked through the hallway amidst a sea of students moving in every direction.
"Pacey, I'm sure the idea of me and sex with someone else is… well…somewhat painful, which is certainly understandable." She grimaced, hating the thought of inflicting anymore heartache on her oldest friend. "But you make it sound as though he has some abnormal fixation."
"Well, I don't know about that, but I told you before—I'm pretty sure Dawson thinks it's something else I'm going to steal from him. You know, he called dibs and I'm going to take it away. Not to mention us having sex would really put a monkey wrench into the whole destined-to-be-together-forever scenario he's written in his head. There's only one person who has the right to have sex with his soulmate, and it sure as hell ain't Pacey Witter."
Joey frowned, remembering her meeting with the college advisor after school two days ago and the recommendation essay she still had to submit for her application to Williams, a private liberal arts college. She had recently decided to narrow the radius for her college applications to places not too far from home—all northeastern schools—and Williamstown was only about three hours west of Boston. She had felt a sense of satisfaction, and fear, at completing and submitting her applications to her advisor, but the essay to be written by "the person who knows you best" was giving her a significant amount of anxiety.
While Dawson had certainly known her the longest, had been up close and personal to her many struggles over the years and knew just how hard she had worked to get where she was now, who had once known everything about her, all her secrets and worries and hopes and dreams, she had to admit that he knew very little about her life currently. Even so, the years they spent as inseparable friends far outweighed the last few months of estrangement. Yet she knew that asking Dawson to write it could hurt Pacey's feelings. She hated how complicated everything still seemed to be between them all. Perhaps it didn't matter now, since the chances of Dawson being willing to write the essay were slim to none.
When the final bell rang at three o'clock, Pacey walked out of chemistry class, thankful the day was over. His friends had all gotten out forty-five minutes before, but here he was walking out with the underclassmen. He had to admit, senior year had really been a bust so far. After doing his daily round to Andie's teachers to collect her assignments, he finally left school.
It wasn't long before he arrived at Andie's house in the rich part of town. She opened her front door with a smile and he followed her upstairs to her bedroom, where he deposited his backpack on her floor and started removing her textbooks. She was grateful for his help, but still reluctant to show her face in school.
"Andie, if our high school didn't have a history of forgiving stupidity, how do you think I'd be able to walk down the halls, huh?" He sat down on her bed next to the stack of textbooks.
"Oh, please. What have you done that was so stupid, other than that whole thing that happened with your teacher?"
"That was a pretty big one, Andie."
"And I'm sure all the guys in school revere you for it," she snarked. "But look at what you did for Jack by standing up to Mr. Peterson. And then last year, kicking Matt Caufield's ass in the school parking lot? You've got nothing to be ashamed of and you can hold your head up when you walk into school. Unlike me, the Type A smart girl who spent a whole summer vacation in a mental hospital and then nearly died after taking only one tab of Ecstasy. I mean, come on. I'm a joke."
"I'm not exactly Mr. Popular, Andie."
"That's because you're not desperate to be liked. You don't kiss their asses and go to their parties and try to fit in. You despise the trust fund babies like Belinda McGovern and the jerks on the basketball team, and they know it."
"Maybe so. You've got nothing to be ashamed either, Andie. I mean, aren't you Valedictorian? And aren't you going to Harvard? Come on."
"The school year isn't over yet, Pacey. Just because I'm first now, doesn't mean I'll still be first in June."
"McPhee, does the person in second even have a chance at overpassing you? I mean, are your GPAs even close? You'd probably have to fail all your classes from here on out for that person to even have a shot, am I right?" She scoffed and shook her head, refusing to meet his gaze. "That's what I thought," he said with a smug air.
"But do you know who does have a real shot at taking second?" Andie arched her brow, giving him a pointed look.
He stared at her, realization dawning. "Joey?"
She nodded, smiling. "Principal Peskin told me the differences in rank between second, third, and fourth are mere tenths of a point. Joey has a real chance at being Salutatorian."
"Wow." He felt a sense of pride rise in his chest. "She's worked hard. She'd deserve it."
Then Andie frowned. "Look, Pacey… about those things I said to you and Joey at the rave…"
"There's really no need to talk about it. It's fine. It's no big deal. So, don't worry about it."
"You know, you guys have been really good about coming to visit me, but you've all been alone. No one wants to talk about the other night, and no one's talking to each other."
He fiddled with her books, thinking over the day's events. At lunchtime, he and Joey sat at their usual spot and watched as Dawson, Jen, and Jack all sat down at separate tables. "Yeah, well, we're not the most huggy of groups right now. I mean, our previously fractured circle of friends has just gone and fractured itself again."
"You mean Jen and Jack."
"No, I mean everybody."
"That's ridiculous because we all talked about this, Pacey."
"Well, you talked about it. Look, it's not just about what happened at the rave, Andie. I mean, yeah, sure, Jack refuses to speak to Jen and blames her completely, and then he got in a fight with Dawson who was trying to defend her, but…" He sighed and stared down at her AP Calculus book. "Stuff between me, Joey, and Dawson has gone to shit again, and Jen found herself in the middle of it—yet again—and I just don't see the point in trying to repair it at this point. It's beyond repair, and I'm going to make my peace with it."
"Why can't everybody just get over their drama? Look, we can fix this. If we all just sat down and talked about this stuff together, then—"
"Why? Honestly. Why, Andie? I mean… Maybe not all friendships need to be saved. Maybe we're meant to just spend a certain part of our lives with certain people and then move on. Isn't that what this whole year is supposed to be about, anyway—movin' on?"
"Pacey, we can move on without moving away from each other."
"Well, maybe we can't. Maybe we're not meant to. There's a big world out there, and once we graduate, we're probably not going to see much of each other, anyway. So, who cares? It's only a few more months, and then we're outta here and we can all move on with our lives and never think about this high school nonsense ever again."
Andie's face fell and she sat down beside him on the bed in a huff. "You've become so cynical, Pacey."
He grinned at her. "I've always been cynical, McPhee."
"That's not true. I remember a time when my eternal optimism rubbed off on you."
"Yeah, well, that was a long time ago. A lot's happened since then."
She frowned and crossed her arms. "Yeah, I know." Then her eyes widened and she gazed at him as if remembering something. "The SATs are this Saturday."
He pursed his lips and nodded, standing up from the bed. "Yep."
"Please tell me you're going to take them, Pacey. Yes?"
"Well, I have been studying my ass off with Joey for weeks…" He shrugged.
"That wasn't exactly a yes."
Pacey cleared his throat and turned to grab his backpack, slinging it over his shoulder. "I'll be back in the morning to pick up your homework."
She was still frowning. "Okay. Well, say hi to Joey for me."
"Will do. See ya, Andie."
It was going on four o'clock when he parked the Witter wagon in the beach house driveway and walked through the side door and into the living room. The sight of Joey on his couch caught him by surprise. "Hey." He hadn't been expecting to see her after school. "Andie sends her best," he said as he joined her on the couch.
"I was wondering where you were," Joey replied as he leaned in to kiss her.
Pacey pressed his forehead to hers, happy to finally be back at home and with her, when his sister loudly cleared her throat and interrupted them to send him to the grocery store. Then after another quick kiss, he was heading back out the door and to the car, bemoaning the fact Joey would surely be at the yacht club by the time he got back and he was looking at the third evening in a row spent without her company.
On Friday after school, he was once again at Andie's house, where she laid the news on him that her dad had offered her the chance to go to Italy and stay with her aunt for six months. He'd been surprised, and she was torn over the decision to stay or go, but he knew what he'd decide if he were in her place. It wasn't up to him, though, and she'd have to make her own decision.
After she regaled him with stories about her summer spent in Florence as a young girl, he said goodbye and left. When he got home to an empty house—Gretchen having already left for her shift at Leery's Fresh Fish—he noticed the answering machine was flashing. Upon pressing the red "PLAY" button, the machine responded in its usual cheery, synthetic voice:
"Hello. You have two messages." The machine paused for a moment, and then resumed. "First message…"
The voice he now heard belonged to the girl he loved. The answering machine continued:
"Hi, Pace. It's me. I, um… I was just calling to talk to you for a few minutes before I had to go work, but I guess you're not home from Andie's yet. I'm working until ten o'clock, but maybe I'll call you when I get home, or you can call me… Whatever. I'll, uh… I guess I'll talk to you later. Love you."
Frowning, he leaned against the kitchen counter with a heavy sigh. The answering machine then announced the second message, and a completely different voice filled the kitchen:
"Hey, it's Bodie. I'm calling for Pacey. I wanted to know if you could stop by the B&B sometime this weekend? There's something I'd like to talk to you about. Thanks."
Pacey's brows furrowed. What in the world could Bodie want to talk to him about? Unless it was about Joey. He pursed his lips, thinking about Bodie's request. He'd honestly avoided making any appearances at the B&B since Joey told him about her confrontation with Bessie over her birth control warehouse; his face probably wasn't a welcome sight. Is that what Bodie wanted to talk to him about? Safe sex and Joey's well-being? Jesus, he hoped not.
On Saturday morning, Joey picked him up in the truck and then he drove them to the SAT testing site. They followed signs to a small room that contained about fifteen desks. After reporting to the middle-aged woman at the front of the room, they received their test booklets. The test would be timed, and they weren't to start until she said so. While in his seat next to Joey, he glanced around the room, saw the looks of anxiety and almost sheer panic on some of the faces. Teenagers, most likely juniors and seniors and some he recognized from his school, obsessively sharpened pencils, rubbed sweaty palms up and down their thighs, darted their eyes around the room with a look that he could only describe as someone fighting back nausea.
"You may begin," the woman announced.
The rustle of paper immediately filled the room. With a heavy sigh, Pacey opened his booklet. He worked for over an hour on the reading and writing sections, but when it came time to start the math section, he merely stared down at the page while everyone worked diligently around him. He glanced at Joey, at her knitted brows, her head bent over the desk while she chewed her bottom lip. He took a moment to look around the room. All the other faces were the same, everyone clearly worked up over the SATs.
Pacey could see their stress, and Joey's stress. The stress of sitting there in this almost claustrophobic room, the stress of the pressure put upon them. The pressure that if they don't do well, then they weren't going to get into college, which meant they weren't going to get a good degree, and so they weren't going to get a good enough job, which meant they weren't going to have a good life. The idealism that society put into their heads about a single test just amazed him.
Staring down at the math section, Pacey picked up his pencil, wrote, "The problems all have answers" at the top of the page, and closed his booklet. Then he stood up from his seat, carried his test to the front of the room, and handed it over to the woman sitting behind a large mahogany desk. "I'm finished," he told her.
As he walked back towards his own desk, Joey gaped at him. "How are you done already?" she whispered.
"I'm just done." He refused to meet her eyes. "I'll be waiting for you out in the truck."
Almost two hours later, they were driving away from the test site, heading for the yacht club. The ride was a silent one for several minutes. "So, how do you think you did?" Joey asked, breaking the quiet.
Pacey shrugged, thankful he was driving and had to keep his eyes on the road—a good reason to avoid her penetrating gaze. "I have no idea. Maybe I bombed it, maybe I did all right. I mean, we did how many practice tests over the past month? Some of it was bound to sink in, I imagine."
"Tell me the truth, did you even finish the math section, Pacey? How were you the first one done with over an hour to go?"
Heaving a sigh, he knew he had to just be honest about it. "I didn't even do the math section, Jo."
"What?! You mean, you just left it blank? The entire section? Why?"
"Because screw that test, that's why." She shook her head, scoffing in disbelief, clearly at a loss. "Look, Jo, I know what I am, and I know who I am, and I know that test isn't going to make the slightest bit of difference in the life of Pacey J. Witter. Why should I stress myself out over a test designed to exclude a mass amount of people from higher education when I'm already working my ass off just to graduate high school by the skin of my teeth?"
"But what about your future, Pacey? A good score on the SATs will open doors for you. A great score could get your foot inside the doors of really good schools, even with an average GPA."
"Are they even doors I wanna go through? When I think about four more years of books and tests and essays and cramming for final exams… I just… I'm not doing it, Jo. College isn't something I want. When this school year is over, I'm done."
She sighed, her mouth curving into a frown. "Well, I have to admit I'm a little disappointed, but—"
"Jo, listen, I'm not like you. You're destined for academic success. I never was. I'm sorry if I'm just not going to live up to your expectations, but this doesn't change anything about our plans. Wherever you decide you want to go to college, that's where I'm gonna go. I'll get a job and rent an apartment. We'll still be together and—"
"Pacey, I meant I'm disappointed that you don't seem to want more for yourself, when you could easily achieve it if you tried. You deserve the best life has to offer. I'll love you whether you go to college or not. If you don't go, you won't be letting me down or not living up to whatever expectations you think I have where you're concerned."
He knew Joey loved him and wanted what was best for him, and while the logical side of his brain told him that what she said was true, he couldn't make himself believe it. Why did he deserve the best? Who was he? He was nobody, nothing.
On Thursday, after Pacey left to run his grocery errand, Joey found herself sitting in his backyard with his sister discussing her current dilemma involving her application to Williams College. "It's a peer rec to be written by 'the person who knows me best.'"
"Ah," Gretchen replied sagely. "And the plot thickens. So, have you asked him yet?"
"Who?"
"Dawson."
"Dawson?" She laughed nervously. "Well, see, if I ask Dawson—not that I'm going to—but if I do ask him…"
"What about Pacey?"
Joey smiled, nodded. "Exactly. What about Pacey? I mean, if I ask Dawson, I know he'll be hurt."
"But you shouldn't hurt yourself just to avoid hurting Pacey's feelings. You gotta be a little selfish here. It's your college application. They want the person who knows you the best, which doesn't necessarily mean the person you're dating."
"So, you're saying I should ask Dawson?"
"I'm saying you should answer the question. So, I take it that you haven't mentioned this to Pacey, then?"
"No. I met with the college advisor on Tuesday afternoon, and we haven't had a whole lot of time to be alone since then to talk about much of anything." Gretchen gave her a disbelieving look. "Of course, while that's true, I admit I haven't wanted to bring it up when we have been able to spend time together."
"There's that whole avoidance thing again. Have you ever considered just how similar you and Pacey are?"
She sat lost in thought for a moment. Although she hated the fact she wanted to ask, she couldn't help the question from falling out of her mouth. "Does Pacey ever… talk about Andie? You know, since he's been spending so much time with her since this past weekend."
Gretchen eyed her for a moment. "No, he doesn't mention her at all, actually. However, he's always talking about you. It's 'Joey said this,' and 'Joey thinks that.' Seriously. You're his favorite topic of conversation."
She smiled, but then remembered the things Andie had said to Pacey at the rave. "She's still in love with him, I think."
"Andie?"
"Yeah. I mean, I guess I can't blame her. If Pacey and I broke up, I don't think I'd ever get over it either."
"The ones we loved never really leave us. We're all the lump sum of our relationships and experiences with other people. Love leaves an indelible mark on our lives, even if it's only with us a short time before we move on. It especially leaves a lasting mark if those people remain part of our lives, even after the love is gone. Sometimes you can remain friends, and sometimes you can't. Time may not necessarily heal all wounds, but it certainly makes them less painful and allows you to look back with a different perspective. Andie probably just needs the time and space to grow, to gain some closure on the hormonal turmoil that is high school, as I'm sure you all do. College will help with that."
Joey gazed out at the water, currently devoid of sailboats and motorboats. It was a windy day. The weather was finally starting to change. Maybe Andie was still very much a lingering presence in Pacey's life, just as Dawson was in hers. "Okay, so… what if I do drop the avoidance thing and actually ask Dawson and then he doesn't want to write it? I'm not exactly in a position to ask him to do me any favors right now. I just… I don't know how he'll react."
"There's only one way to find out," Gretchen said.
On Friday after school, with her decision finally made, Joey made a pitstop at the Leery's on her way to the yacht club, and bit the bullet. She asked Dawson, handing over the peer rec form. He hadn't exactly been thrilled, but he at least agreed to think about it. In the late afternoon on Saturday, after a long day spent retaking the SATs and then working, when she'd returned home from her shift at the yacht club, she received a surprising invitation from Andie to have dinner with her that evening. While sitting out on her dock, Dawson found her doing some of her assigned reading for AP English.
After she invited him to sit and he turned down her invitation, saying he couldn't stay, she saw he was holding a piece of paper. Her stomach in knots, Joey stood up to face him. "Well… either you're a very fast writer, which I know not to be the case, or… you come bearing bad news."
"I just… I… I've been…" He heaved a sigh. "I've been thinking about it since the minute you asked me, and the answer just keeps coming back the same. I'm not the right person… to write this. Not anymore." He handed the form back to her.
Joey stared down at it, unable to look at him. "You did what I asked. You, um, you thought about it, and… I thank you for that." She looked up and noticed Pacey walking into her back yard, heading towards them. Her stomach twisted, hoping a confrontation wasn't in store.
"Sorry," Dawson said, before turning to leave.
She shrugged it off, trying to force down her disappointment. "Okay."
Pacey stood watching Dawson walk up the dock towards him. His former best friend merely glared, walking right by him without a word. Rolling his eyes, he turned his attention to Joey, who was coming to meet him. "So… play date?"
"Not exactly, uh…"
"Did you reassure him that despite your attendance at a certain sex ed class, you're still a virgin and haven't destroyed that last shred of hope he's been holding onto?"
Joey's face hardened. When was he going to drop these glib remarks about Dawson and her virginity? "That's not even remotely funny. Pace, I asked Dawson to write a peer recommendation for me," she explained, handing the form to him. "He said no, so it's really nothing." Then she kept walking towards the house.
He read the peer rec form she'd handed to him, staring at the words, "THE PERSON WHO KNOWS YOU BEST." Why was this the first time he was seeing it? She'd never mentioned it. "Well, that's obviously not nothing because you're obviously upset that he said no. Why didn't you talk to me about this?"
"It's been hard to tell you much of anything this week," she said, turning back to him. "You're never around."
"Okay, look, if you're still angry with me for how much time I was spending with Andie, you should—"
"Look, Pacey… that's not it, okay? I was just waiting to see if he'd actually agree to do it before starting World War—where are we now? Fifteen? There's no point in fighting over something that's not even going to happen. And if you're upset that I asked him, Pacey… it's because it was the question."
Pacey stood there, listening to her recite significant moments of her childhood and adolescence that Dawson had been a part of while he again stared down at the form in his hands. Something deep inside his chest clutched at him and ached. Nothing she was saying was news to him. He knew just how close Dawson and Joey used to be, joined at the hip practically their entire lives. But when was she going to move on from that? When was she going to stop fixating on the past, finally let Dawson go, and grow up? How much longer was she going to carry this torch for a childhood friendship she'd grown out of a long time ago? When was the present going to become more important to her than the past?
"So, you… really, Pace… you can't be angry with me for asking him."
"I'm not angry, Jo. It doesn't bother me that you asked Dawson to do something for you. It's the question. 'The person who knows you best.' When do I get to be that person?"
Joey's face fell. He was obviously hurt, and hurting him was the last thing in the world she ever wanted to do, was the reason she'd dragged her heels over asking Dawson in the first place. Her elbows going to her knees, she buried her face in her hands. This had been such a crappy week. Sure, the sex ed class had been kind of fun, but what little time she'd spent with Pacey since then had been ripe with these flare ups about either Dawson or Andie. They weren't connecting very well.
"Look, I, uh… I didn't come over here to argue with you, Jo. I'm actually here to see Bodie. He left a message yesterday saying he wanted me to stop by and talk to him."
That gave her pause, and realization dawned on her momentarily, before she frowned again. "He already left for the restaurant," she told him. Joey sighed and stood up from the lawn chair. "I'm sorry you came all the way over here for nothing."
"So, you want me to go, is that it?"
"I didn't say that, Pacey."
"You didn't have to. I know when my presence is unwanted. It's a sixth sense I developed from living with my parents for seventeen years."
She watched him walk away, frustration and disappointment welling up inside. "Pacey!"
"It's fine, Jo," he called out over his shoulder. "There's someplace I gotta be, anyway. Don't worry about it. I'll call you later."
Joey stared helplessly after him, but later on when she arrived at Leery's Fresh Fish to meet Andie for dinner, she found that the place Pacey had to be was one and the same. As it turned out, to all their surprise, it was the same place Dawson, Jen, and Jack had to be as well. They soon learned Andie was leaving Capeside for the rest of the school year, and had concocted this dinner scheme to get them all in the same place together so she could say goodbye as well as give them an impassioned speech about friendship before she left. It was an emotional scene, but it seemed to Joey that Andie told them all exactly what they needed to hear.
When the tears subsided, and after everyone finally ordered off the menu, Joey found Pacey waiting outside the bathroom. "Anybody in there?" she asked him.
"Uh, yeah, and there's only room for one."
"Oh."
"Which, I guess, is kind of a recurring theme these days."
She sighed and stepped closer. "Pace, I'm really sorry—"
"Hold on a second," he said, reaching out to caress her arms reassuringly. "Let me go first this time." He chuckled at his own foolishness and held her hands in his. "Jo, I'm sorry for how I reacted to the whole peer rec thing. I think it was just kind of a left hook to the hot button, and… I reacted… like Pacey."
Joey smiled, shaking her head. "You know who that guy you reacted like is gonna be in ten years, Pace?"
He had no clue.
"The person who knows me best," she told him. "Dawson knows my past. My future lies with you." Joey watched him smile, saw the worry leave his face, relief spreading through her. "You know, if you think about it, you didn't even like me three years ago."
He may not have liked her so much back then, but he loved her. He'd always loved her, even when he didn't like her. "Well, you always tease the ones you love," Pacey said as he leaned in for a kiss.
Breaking the kiss, Joey recalled her conversation with Gretchen two days ago. "And you do always have to deal with the ones that you used to love."
He sighed and looked over at their table where it looked like Andie and Dawson were having an animated conversation, before turning back and nodding. Joey kissed his forehead and then pulled him into a hug. He held her tight, his fingers spearing her soft dark brown hair while she caressed his buzzcut with her palm. "I'm sorry I haven't been around much this week, Jo," he murmured over her shoulder.
"Don't be sorry, Pace," she said, pulled out of the hug. "You have nothing to be sorry about. I'm sorry for giving you a hard time about it."
"I just… I don't know… I felt guilty that I didn't do anything to help Andie at the rave, that she almost died. And the stuff she said to us that night… I keep trying to convince myself it was just the drugs talking, but I really don't think it was. Well, I'm sure the chemical haze lifted away the filter and everything she'd only been thinking and never saying finally tumbled out. It honestly makes me feel like crap, and I'm tired of feeling guilty for breaking up with her when I technically didn't do anything wrong. I mean, how long has it been? And yet sometimes I just feel… bad about it. I don't know. And now she's leaving. I kind of hate the thought of her moving to the other side of the world still feeling bad about us and the way things happened. I just… I just want her to be happy and I feel bad that she's not."
"Pacey," she said, her voice full of tenderness. "I think it's obvious that you care about Andie, that she means a lot to you, and knowing that part of her is still hurting over your breakup… Well, I know that's not an easy weight to carry, believe me. If there's anyone who understands completely, it's me, Pace."
Heaving a sigh, he nodded and briefly glanced over at their table again. "I'm sorry Dawson won't write your peer rec, Jo."
She attempted to shrug it off, but the rejection still stung. "It's not the end of the world."
"What reason did he give?"
"That he's not the right person to write it."
"Well, I, uh… I'm gonna have to agree with him. I don't think you asked the right person."
"Why doesn't that surprise me?" she teased. "So, do you want to write it?"
He shook his head. "I'm not the right person either."
"You're not?" Joey hadn't been expecting that.
"If that peer rec was for my college application, and it had to be written by the person who knows me best, do you know who I'd ask to write it?"
"No. Who?"
"Gretchen."
She stared at him, a nagging feeling in the back of her mind telling her she knew where he was going with this. "Your sister."
He nodded in the affirmative, giving her a smile. "There's only one person who knows what it's like to be a Witter in this town. Well, at least a self-aware Witter. There's only one person who knows what it's been like for me to be a Witter—what it was like for me to grow up in that house. She has seen and heard things… witnessed firsthand things about my life that no one else could possibly understand the same way she does because it was her life, too. She was right there with me for most of it. She has celebrated with me and cried with me. She knows all the ups and downs, the highs and the lows, that have gotten me to this point. Gretchen understands why I am the way I am and why I do things I do better than anyone, probably even better than myself, as much as I'm loathe to admit it." He paused, gazing at his girlfriend a moment. "Jo, the person who knows you best is Bessie. You just don't want to admit it."
She scrunched up her face, not liking what he said, even though as soon as the words were out of his mouth, she knew they were true. She just didn't want to ask Bessie. They'd been butting heads so much lately, and what if her sister said no? The rejection would probably hurt worse than Dawson's.
"Just think about it," he said, rubbing her arm comfortingly.
After the bathroom was finally available, they were soon back at the table with their friends. They spent the next hour eating and talking and generally quizzing Andie about Italy and her plans for the next six months while she was there. When dinner ended, Joey stepped outside to escape the flurry of emotions inside. She walked across the street to the waterfront, gazing out over the harbor.
Andie had been right about her and Pacey and Dawson earlier, Joey thought. It was truly a rare thing to still have the same friends at 18 that you had at six. So many years invested in each other, so many years spent as constant companions, despite the ups and downs, the fights and misunderstandings. For all of it now to end on a bitter, angry note, to throw away their friendships, to refuse to forgive and let go of resentment… it wasn't how she wanted to leave Capeside.
She wanted them to face the future together, and hoped that, although distance would surely separate them, they would stay just as bonded in their hearts no matter where life took them. Yet she knew that was out of her hands. While was ready and willing for things to return to normal between them all, she knew she was probably the only one. She could only hope that would change in time—sooner rather than later—or they'd squander their last year to all be together and would no doubt look back on this time in their lives with regret.
"I knew I'd find you here," spoke a familiar voice, breaking her reverie.
"I thought you didn't know me anymore, Dawson."
He sighed as he leaned on the wooden railing beside her. "The truth is, I never doubted how well I knew you, Joey. I was just afraid of what would happen if I had to write it all down. I was afraid of having a reminder in writing, staring me in the face, of just how well I used to know you, and just how much everything's changed this year… just how much you've changed. I mean, you've done things I never would've imagined possible. And, uh, you seem to be heading in a direction that's even further and further away from where we used to be."
She had no idea how to respond to that. Was this a reference to the sex ed class?
He sighed again. "Before, you told me that if I decided to write the recommendation that I was the right person for the job. While I don't know this new Joey you're suddenly turning into, and I may not ever understand why, I do know the old Joey. I know her like the back of my hand. So, if the offer still stands, I would really like to write it for you."
Her mouth fell open, not having expected Dawson to change his mind. Her heart was a flurry of mixed emotions. She felt touched he'd given it a second thought, but also slightly disappointed in his reasoning and the thinly-veiled disappointment in her personal choices. Joey didn't think she'd changed all that much, and whatever changes she had undergone over the past year, she thought they were good ones. Now when she looked at herself in the mirror, she actually liked what she saw… for the most part, and for the first time since she could remember, she actually liked herself.
"Um… thank you, Dawson, for thinking about it some more and offering to help me. I appreciate the offer. Really, I do, but, um, I think your first instincts were right. Your gut told you that you weren't the right person to write it, and you should trust your gut. I've since realized that the right person might actually be my sister, and so I think I'm going to ask her to write it."
Dawson smiled and nodded. "I think Bessie would write you a wonderful recommendation, Joey."
She averted her eyes from his, tucking her hair behind her ears. "I'm starting to think so, too." Looking past him, her gaze fell on Pacey and Andie talking on one of the benches near the waterfront. She hoped they were really and truly talking things out, that Andie would be able to leave for Italy with no serious regrets over loose ends, and that both she and Pacey could have the weight of a relationship gone bad lifted from their shoulders.
Following her gaze, Dawson turned to look at them as well. "It's nice to see."
It was quite possibly the last time the two friends would see each other in a long time. "It gives them something to hold onto."
Sitting on a bench outside the Leery's restaurant, Pacey turned to Andie and smiled. "You know, what I think we're gonna miss the most about you, McPhee, is just your overwhelming optimism. Your ardent belief that everything in the world is wonderful until proven crap. Do you think maybe you could leave us with a little bit of that when you go?"
"It's the least I can do."
She leaned in for a hug, her arms going around him, and held her tight. "I'm gonna miss ya, Andie."
"Me, too." She pulled out of the hug and gazed at him intensely. "Pacey, you know how I told you that you gave me the strength to do things that I always needed to do, but I was too afraid to do? I would like to at least try to return the favor before I go."
His brows furrowed as he stared at her, and he wondered where she was going with this. "Yeah?"
Her eyes wet with unshed tears, Andie nodded. "Joey told me you basically walked out of the SATs."
"Hey, I finished the reading and writing sections."
"But you skipped out on math and the final essay."
"I'm sorry for disappointing you, Andie, but you should be used to it by now, right? I mean, it's classic Pacey. I'm usually a disappointment," he laughed, trying to make light of it, despite how serious the conversation suddenly felt.
"You have to stop saying stuff like that. You're not a disappointment, Pacey. You never were. You aren't now. You have to start believing in yourself. The people in your life who somehow ingrained this idea in your head that you're nothing but a disappointment and that's all you'll ever be… I wish I could strangle them. It's not true."
With a heavy sigh, he stared down at his hands in his lap. "Andie, I know you wanted me to take the SATs. I know you want me to apply to college. You want me to graduate high school. You're not the only one. My teachers, guidance counselors… Joey, my sister, Doug. I know they all want me to be better, do better… but what if I can't? What if this is just me and this is all I'm ever gonna be?"
"Then the people who love you will love you no matter what," she replied. "Have you tried wanting those things purely for yourself and a sense of self-satisfaction, and not as a way to please everyone around you? You can't worry so much about pleasing people, Pacey, because people are never satisfied in general, and it'll just leave you feeling like you're a disappointment, when nothing could be further from the truth.
"You know, forget about your teachers and your family, and Joey, even. Forget about me. Forget about everyone's opinions. Forget about what you think you know about what people want from you, or for you. Throw those perceived expectations out the window. You should take the SATs, but only so you can say you did. Don't think about what the score will be, or whether or not it'll make a difference on a college application. Think of it as a personal achievement. Take pride in your efforts, in your hard work, regardless of the outcome. Think about graduating high school as a real achievement, no matter what you decide to do with your life afterwards. Don't do it to prove your parents wrong, or to make Joey happy or anyone else, for that matter. Just do it for yourself, Pacey. To make yourself proud."
Her words touched him deeply. She'd walked into his life right when Ms. Jacobs had walked out of it, and the pain and humiliation had still been very much a burden. He'd been a listless fool, and then she came along, the first person to really push him, challenge him, inspire him to be a better person. Andie meant more to him than he could say or express, and all he could manage to say was, "Thank you."
She smiled and gave him another hug, which was quickly cut short when Dawson called them inside to take a group photo. As they stood up from the bench, she turned to him. "You know, I was talking to Dawson earlier, and well… I hope things get better between you two."
"The chances of that seem slim at the moment, Andie."
"I know it seems that way now, but I think we all know just how important Joey's friendship is to Dawson, and I told him that he wasn't exactly going to endear himself to her by hating the guy she loves. So, I'm hoping that in time, you'll all realize that your friendships are way more important than any fight."
Pacey opened the door to the restaurant, holding it open for her. "I'm not the one fighting, Andie. The ball is in Dawson's court."
"You'll catch more flies with honey," she replied in sing-song voice as she stepped over threshold.
Nodding and rolling his eyes, he followed her inside.
Once the group photo was taken, they said their goodbyes, and one by one departed the restaurant until only he and Joey remained. Pacey took her hand and they started heading for the exit when he heard his name called. They turned and saw Bodie had come out of the kitchen and was walking towards them.
Pacey stepped forward to greet him and they shook hands. "Hey, Bodie."
"Hi, Pacey. Did you get my message?"
"Yeah, I did."
"You got a minute?"
With a questioning glance at Joey, who merely pursed her lips and shrugged her shoulders, he walked with Bodie over to the bar, leaving his girlfriend by the door. "So, what's up?" he asked when they sat themselves on a couple stools.
"I have a proposition for you," Bodie said. "As you probably have heard by now, Gail Leery is having a baby."
"Yeah. I did hear that."
"She's going to be cutting back on her hours here at the restaurant, which means I'll need to be here more. We're talking twelve-hour shifts, six days a week."
"Yikes."
"Such is restaurant life, and my life will be Leery's Fresh Fish, potentially from now until Gail comes back from maternity leave, and that's if she even decides to come back full time. Anyway, this means I won't be able to help out nearly as much at the B&B. Now, I love Bessie to death, and Joey, but they can't cook for beans."
Pacey laughed.
"At least when it comes to the kind of the quality paying customers expect," Bodie continued. "Which leads me to my proposition…"
"Which is…?" He thought he had an idea, but the guy couldn't really be serious. Could he?
"Would you like a job? We're booked solid almost every day, and we're making good money. It'll pay more than that video store ever did; I can tell you that."
Pacey blinked. He really was serious. "Um, does Bessie know you're offering me this job?"
Chuckling, Bodie gave him a look as if he didn't believe he'd ask such a question. "Of course, she does. I don't make decisions about the B&B without her. She's the owner. So, would you like to come onboard as the B&B's cook? You'll be working almost every day, as long as we've got guests staying with us. We serve breakfast and dinner on weekdays, and all three meals on weekends. The holidays are coming up quickly, and we'll be busier than ever. If you don't want the job, I'll have to find someone else."
Andie's earlier words suddenly came forward in Pacey's mind. The times when he felt the proudest, felt that sense of self-satisfaction over an achievement, had all been when he was cooking. Cooking for other people. Watching them eat something he had made and love what they were eating. He remembered Joey's occasional comments that he should apply to local restaurants, as cooking was something that he was obviously good at and enjoyed doing. He hadn't taken her up on her suggestions, letting fear of his father's and brother's opinions hold him back. Yet he hadn't pursued employment elsewhere either, knowing deep down there wasn't anything else he truly wanted to do.
Although he could almost hear the constant digs during Sunday dinners at his parents' house once his family learned he got a job cooking, he decided to take Andie's advice and throw their opinions out. He was going to make a decision purely for himself, without any regard to what they thought or expected or wanted. Turning a glance in Joey's direction, saw her brows rise expectantly. It was obvious she knew what he and her sister's boyfriend were talking about.
"Joey knows about this, doesn't she?"
"Well, it was partly her idea."
Pacey smiled at her. She held his gaze and returned his smile, her eyes sparkling with warmth and the knowledge of what just transpired. Then he turned his attention back to Bodie. "Okay. I'll take the job."