Disclaimer; The Usual.
The doors to the Great Hall burst open as Harry was finishing his breakfast, Rufus Scrimegour and his pet Aurors stalked over to the Gryffindor table.
"Harry James Potter, by order of the Minister of Magic you are under arrest for treason against the Crown. You are ordered to surrender your wand and accompany us to Azkaban where you will await trial." The lead Auror held an official looking scroll for him to read as the students gaped.
"Very well," Harry handed them one of the wands he had captured over the summer, "I suppose there is no point in denying anything. Let's see how long this takes. Don't worry Ginny, I won't forget our date tonight for the ball. You be ready and I'll be there." He kissed her forehead as the Aurors snapped the wand he gave them.
"No, you won't Mister Potter, or whatever you are calling yourself these days." The Minister said, "You will be sitting in Azkaban under the watchful eyes of the Aurors. Dawlish, Simmons, take him to the ministry for questioning."
The Aurors escorted Harry from the hall and he had the sheer nerve to give a cheeky wave to McGonagall as he left. The students were in shock from the trials and tribulations of the morning. First the robes, then the newspaper, and now this! Had the world gone mad?
Harry leaned back on his bed, today was going to be the best Halloween he had ever had.
"Dawlish, administer the veritaserum, let's find out how much of his gibberish is true."
The Auror did so. "State your name for the record."
"I am Arthur, King of the Britans at Camelot, but my friends call me Harry."
"Are you sure the veritaserum is working?" the Minister asked Dawlish, who merely nodded. This was not the way it was supposed to work.
"Very well, are you guilty of treason against the Crown by way of threatening to allow the destruction of our way of life through inaction?"
"I am the Crown, ergo there is no treason."
"Are you attempting to claim not guilty by reason of insanity?"
"No, I am perfectly sane."
"Please list anything you have done that would be considered a crime were you not the King you claim to be."
"By severity of the offense or by when they occurred?"
"By the severity of your crimes please, most important first."
"One count opening a portal to Hell, one count illegal time travel, one count changing the past for personal gain, thirty two counts murder in the first degree, fourteen counts of using the cruciartus curse on a human being, two counts attempted use of cruciartus curse against a human being, four counts accessory to murder, two counts breaking into the Department of Mysteries, twelve counts arson, unknown number of counts aiding and abetting Sirius Black, seven counts using blood magic on British soil, five counts performing an unauthorized ritual at Stonehenge, one count participating in an unauthorized ritual at Stonehenge, one hundred thirteen counts trespassing, twelve counts breaking and entering, one count belonging to the illegal vigilante group "The Secret Sect of the Flaming Penguins", two counts impersonating a Clergyman of the Church of England, fourteen counts impersonating a goat, three counts impersonating the Minister of Magic, one count impersonating the Pope, two counts impersonating King Henry VIII, one count impersonating Anne Boleyn, three counts underage use of magic, two counts using magic in the presence of muggles, one future count slandering a public official."
"Fourteen counts impersonating a goat?"
"It is more fun than first appears."
"One future count slandering a public official?"
"When the veritaserum wears off I intend to call Rufus Scrimegour an insufferable buffoon."
"Were the claims you made in this morning's Daily Prophet true?"
"To the best of my knowledge they are completely true."
"Did you correctly state your intent to abandon the British people to the Dark Lord?"
"Only if my demands are not met. On second thought, add one count blackmail or larceny or whatever this is to my confession."
"Duly noted, tell us about this "Secret Sect of the Flaming Penguins"."
"Originally called the Order of the Phoenix, and founded by Albus Dumbledore, the Secret Sect of the Flaming Penguins is a vigilante group who seeks to fight Death Eaters and Tom Riddle. I was a junior member for some time, but left the group after they disagreed with my treatment of prisoners. They thought to stun and bind prisoners to be handed over to the Ministry, I thought they ought to be killed. The members are not known to me except Sirius Orion Black, Albus Dumbledore, and Severus Snape who turned traitor."
"I've heard enough! Dawlish give him the antidote. Harry James Potter, after confessing to murder and other crimes too numerous to mention, you are hereby sentenced to death. You will be escorted to the Veil of Death in the Department of Mysteries and cast through. Do you have any last words?" The minister looked mighty pleased with himself. Maybe once Potter was gone the prophecy would be void and the Aurors could do their jobs.
"Actually I do have two last things to say. Firstly, you are an insufferable buffoon Mister Scrimegour. Lastly spells don't kill people, people kill people (and monkeys can kill people too, if they have a gun)!"
SPECIAL EDITION!
Minister Scrimegour Abandons British People To Dark Lord!
By Istill Liven
In a shocking move this morning Harry Potter, The-Boy-Who-Lived, was executed after being arrested on charges of treason. Mister Potter, who was prophesied to be the only one able to defeat the Dark Lord Voldemort, announced this morning that he would not do it for free. The Ministry took offense and arrested him shortly before nine this morning at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. He was taken to the Ministry where he was questioned under veritaserum before being sentenced to the veil of death.
In an unusual twist, insiders report that Mister Potter claimed to be King Arthur when questioned under veritaserum. This was just one of a number of anomalies in the official transcript. Supposedly Mr. Potter, or King Arthur as we now know him to be, was involved in a group called the Secret Sect of the Flaming Penguins, and has impersonated the Pope.
According to our inside sources, Mister Potter's last words before pulling an impressive double back flip through the Veil speculated on the martial prowess of an army of monkeys with muggle weapons. He also called the Minister a buffoon.
With Mr. Potter gone, who will defeat the Dark Lord?
See the full transcript of Mr. Potter's questioning inside on page three.
"Professor McGonagall, I need to speak with you."
"Mr. Potter, what are you doing here, they arrested you this morning. Normally it takes them a few days at least before they can recognize a person's innocence."
"Sadly, that is not true in my case. Headmistress it is my sad duty to inform you that you will need to find a replacement Head Boy and Gryffindor Quidditch captain."
"Why? What's going on?"
"Well as of about fifteen minutes ago, I have been executed. Officially I am now dead. Being dead kind of puts a damper on my ability to fulfill my duties."
"WHAT?"
"Yeah, they hauled me off and questioned me with veritaserum until I gave them reason enough to execute me. It was quite funny some of the things I confessed too. They automatically assume that since I took veritaserum I was telling the truth."
"But that's what veritaserum is for!"
"I know. They never stopped to make sure they had the real me before putting me on trial and questioning me. So I just told them an interesting confession, and let them kill me."
"But if you are here, who did they kill?"
"Good question isn't it? Don't worry about that, no one was killed. I just created a magical puppet that they could arrest, gave them a wand to snap, and let them assume the rest. Since I didn't actually take any veritaserum, I could make the puppet say anything I wanted. And now that I have been punished for all my "crimes" I can't be tried again. It is quite liberating to be dead."
"Do I want to know?"
"No, just don't ask me how, or why. Trust me you don't want those answers. You may however enjoy this afternoon's paper. There is a special edition about to come out with my full confession. It is a fun read."
"Is anything in it true?"
"Some, but not the parts you would expect. I'm not really King Arthur, and I have never impersonated a goat. The rest you will have to decide for yourself. You've known me long enough to know my character."
"I should hope so."
"If it is not too much trouble, may I continue to attend classes and stay at the castle? I could be another House Ghost for Gryffindor… Maybe Sir Nicholas could use the company."
"Can't you just stay dead like everyone else? Give me some of that Gryffindor Courage and get out of my office."
"If I wasn't the one causing these headaches, I'd be charging you know… Well I am off to collect my death certificate."
Harry lost three more shadows before he finally got his death certificate, but only because he stopped sending in clones of himself. His shadows kept getting veritaserum and sent to the veil after claiming to be King Arthur. One claiming to be seventh year Hufflepuff Steven Clark eventually got the paperwork and returned to Harry.
He returned to Hogwarts and sat next to his openly weeping friends at the feast.
"Hey Gin, pass the roast beef would you?" Harry asked politely with a hint of mirth.
"Ok Harry," she gave it to him with a depressed look, then did a double take. "HARRY! You're alive!"
"Yeah, no thanks to the ministry. They threw me through the Veil three times today and gave me the Dementors' Kiss once before throwing that body through the veil. I was starting to get annoyed. Hermione, do you think I could sue them for double jeopardy? I don't think it is legal to punish someone multiple times for the same crimes."
"You were Kissed and thrown through the Veil multiple times? That is definitely not legal. Not to mention impossible."
"Stupid prophecy. Only Voldemort can really kill me. But when I went to get my death certificate for Gringotts records they executed me again. Why can't they just hire a mercenary like normal people? I set a price, all they had to do was say yes or no. I'm tempted to raise that price now, but they don't have anything I want. I don't even want the money except that it makes sure they leave me alone after the war."
"You are doing this so people will leave you alone?" Ron asked, "That's barmy, nobody in their right mind would try that."
"No, it isn't this way no one will thank me. They will either assume I am a greedy git or that I was paid handsomely for my services. I'm not doing this for them anyway. I am doing it for me, my parents, and everyone he killed or hurt. But enough of this depressing talk; let's go get ready for the party. Tonight, I shall be King Arthur of course, Ginny are you going to keep our date now that I'm dead?"
"Of course, you promised to be here and you are, so I will keep my end."
"Great, make a note for the future though to avoid the phrase "till death do us part" if we ever get married. I would hate a stupid thing like death to accidentally divorce me."
"Slipjaw, it is good to see you again. May your gold always flow. I need to see what is going to happen now that I am dead. Can I retroactively will everything to myself? Or just will it to my sister with myself as trustee until she comes of age?"
"Are you sure you are dead?"
"Well according to the Ministry I died several times yesterday. Between being kissed and thrown through that damn veil, I died four or five times I think. It depends on how you count. I've got my death certificate right here."
"This has never happened before."
"So I am told. How about we agree that in the future any reports of my death need to be verified by my next of kin before we process any wills?"
"That sounds doable. So when do you plan to announce your changed status?"
"I believe it is traditional to wait until Sunday to rise from the dead if killed on a Friday by an oppressive government. That's what the other fellow did a couple millennia back. If it is good enough for the son of God himself, it is good enough for me."
"Then shouldn't you spend the intervening time in the underworld?"
"I spent a few days in Hell over the summer; I think that will have to count. Saetan isn't as bad as everyone makes him out to be."
"If you say so Mr. Potter."
"Do you think I will get my own holiday? I'm not sure about the rabbits and eggs, but everyone can use another excuse to eat chocolate."
"Somehow I doubt it. If I recall, you were actually guilty of your crimes."
"Not all of them."
"If you say so Mr. Potter. We will need a blood sample to verify your identity."
"No problem, I'm not as superstitious about blood as some wizards seem to be."
"Hmm… Yes it appears you actually are Harry Potter, full blooded Potter of the Line of Gryffindor and all that rot…"
"Wait, of the line of Gryffindor?"
"Yes, surely you know your family history? Edward Potter married Godric Gryffindors only daughter, and the money he made from the school is what elevated the Potters from being mere potters to being businessmen and a powerful family. The family no longer owns such a large part of the school, having sold it to make their fortune, but you do own some. Has no one told you this?"
"No, this is the first I have heard of it, but it is good to know. It certainly explains a few things. The rivalry that started with Slytherin and Gryffindor themselves continues to this day in myself and Voldemort… That is why he marked me as his equal. The last heirs of the founders, trying to settle the old blood feud. And it explains Draca's "Heir of Griffons" vision too. Intriguing."
"Quite, well if that is all you needed for today I will let you get back to being dead. I need to meet with my superiors about all this. You can never leave well enough alone can you Mr. Potter? At least now I understand your cryptic comments and odd orders. You are trying to set yourself up a small independent paradise for after the war. Very forward thinking. Well done."
Harry Potter Returns From the Dead to Sue Ministry
By Ester Hols
In a move reminiscent of Easter traditions around the world, Harry Potter has beaten death. The Ministry of Magic executed Potter on Friday morning, and he was seen walking down Diagon Alley early Sunday.
When asked for comment, Mr. Potter said he would be suing the Ministry for double jeopardy. "I was sentenced to be sent through the Veil, so I went. When I came back to the ministry later in the day and asked for my death certificate, they threw me through again. They did this twice and the third time I asked they had a Dementor Kiss me before sending my body through the veil. It is illegal to punish a person twice for the same crime. I served my sentence, and they did it again! What is next a killing curse? Are we going to try for a good old fashioned burning at the stake? Hanging? Beheading? I told you folks that only the Dark Lord could kill me, but you didn't listen."
He refused to comment on how he returned from beyond the Veil or his previous claims to be King Arthur. He did have the following to say regarding his previous public statement; "My offer still stands. Agree to my terms and the war can begin as soon as you want, refuse and I leave. Let's not have any more jealous politicians trying to kill your only hope, it doesn't work."
The Ministry refused to comment when asked.