February 2. It was after ten o'clock when Joey walked back inside their cabin to see Pacey hadn't returned yet. She stared at the bed and pictured him entwined with her there, naked and between her thighs. Pictured him touching her, making love to her. Pictured the things she wanted him to do to her, the things she wanted to do to him. Her cheeks burned. Her stomach fluttered. Warmth shot through her center. Her love for him rose up inside her, tingled in every fiber of her being, filled her with a restless energy she didn't know how to contain, nor did she want to.
She hurried to her duffel and pulled out her toiletry bag. Unzipping it, she took out the three condoms and walked over to her bedside table, opening the drawer and setting them down inside, before taking the bag to the bathroom sink. She turned down the bed, savoring the smell of the clean linen. Then she returned to the duffel and unrolled a kitchen towel, revealing several glass candles she'd packed away, and dispersed them throughout the room, atop the dressers, bedside tables, and the mantle over the fireplace.
Everything was pretty much ready. Now all she needed was to go find her boyfriend. It pained her to think he believed that there was some small part of her that felt she would be missing out because her first time would be with him, that he wasn't her ideal person to share this experience with. That there was some small part of her that wished she was going to do this with Dawson instead. It pained her to think he believed she wished her first time wasn't going to be with someone like him.
Someone like him? There was no one better. Virgin or no virgin, Pacey was Pacey, and he was the only one for her. He was her perfect person, flaws and history and all. She had to prove it to him, make him believe it.
Shrugging on her winter coat, she stepped out the door and into the cold night air. Most of her classmates had gathered at the covered patio attached to the resort's main building, near where the hot tub decks were. It featured a huge fireplace with plenty of benches, tables, and chairs around it.
As she approached the patio, her eyes naturally drawn to the blaze in the stone hearth, it quickly became obvious who was sitting on the benches talking in front of it. Pacey was unmistakable, and she easily recognized the girl sitting next to him with the blue hoodie and blond ponytail. Joey came to a stop just outside.
"When's the last time you had sex?" she then heard Anna ask him.
Pacey's face scrunched up. "Um, that's not exactly the point of what I was saying, but… 1999."
She watched Anna's mouth fall open. "You're kidding. I mean, look at you. How is that possible? You must be suffering. You know, there are plenty of girls out there who would feel really lucky if they could help you fix that. I mean, you're here right now, and there are lots of pretty girls around who, I'm sure, would jump at the chance to take care of you tonight, including yours truly. You've got a condom in your wallet, right?"
Joey was shocked at the audacity of this girl. Yet as she listened to Pacey's response, her heart warmed.
Sucking in lungsful of fresh air, Pacey walked and walked, trying to clear his head. He wanted to go back to the cabin, back to Joey, but the problem would still be there and he hadn't figured out a solution yet. He wasn't even sure he knew what the problem was. He felt helpless because he couldn't help her. He couldn't help her get past her fears, her insecurities, her jealousies. He didn't know how to make her see how he felt inside—that he loved her—that he wanted her—that he ached for her in a way he had never experienced before. He didn't know how to make her see that when it came to her, there was no competition with any woman, anywhere. Past, present, or future.
But she was right, a thousand times right.
He had never really thought how his history would have affected her. He was so sure of his absolute love and devotion to her that his romantic past rarely ever came to mind. Joey consumed his every thought, every desire. He wasn't looking back. He was looking forward. The future was out there, and all he cared about was doing everything in his power to ensure that future was with her.
It had just never occurred to him that she may be feeling as unsure about how permanent her place was in his life as he'd been feeling about his place in hers. That his relationships with Andie and Tamara had seemed just as formidable to her as her ex-soulmate status with Dawson was to him. Neither of them could change the past; they could only live with the present and face the future.
Easier said than done.
"Hey you!"
The familiar voice pulled him out of his reverie. He looked up and noticed he'd meandered over to the hot tub section of the resort's property. Anna hopped excitedly off the wooden deck to greet him.
"We were just getting out. Didn't think you'd make it."
"I'm not making it, actually. I was just taking a walk."
Her face fell as she gazed up at him. "Hey, you look down. You know, since you were there for me in the not-so-distant past, it's only fair I reciprocate, right?"
Ashley Hares and Darcey Jacobs, two of his classmates, stepped off the deck to join her. "I'll catch up with you guys later," Anna told them.
They walked off, but not before Pacey caught knowing, suggestive looks passing between the two girls and Anna. He rolled his eyes, annoyed. Ash and Darcey knew he was serious with Joey. Once the girls were gone, she smiled up at him. "So, you wanna go somewhere and talk?"
He hesitated, looking down at her, standing there in Adidas track pants, eagerly bouncing on her toes, her blue bikini top bouncing with her. "Look, Anna, I appreciate the offer, but that's probably not a good idea."
Glancing down at herself, she pursed her lips in thought. Then she swiftly grabbed hold of her hoodie and zipped it up over herself, her bikini now hidden from view. "Come on. You look like you could really use someone to talk to, and I'm a very good listener."
She smiled. He shrugged. Anna seemed so inclined to friendliness, her eyes were so open and frank, that he decided to take her up on her offer. "Well, okay."
Her smile widened.
They were soon in the outdoor covered patio sitting on two wooden benches in front of the massive stone fireplace not far from the hot tub deck. Capeside seniors milled about, sat at nearby tables drinking and chatting and playing cards, while others went to and from the hot tubs. "So," Anna said with a deep sigh. "Talk to me. Girlfriend troubles?"
"Sort of, yeah."
"Is it about sex?"
He stared at her. "How… how did you know?"
She rolled her eyes teasingly. "Please. She was stiff as a board sitting there at the restaurant when all the guys pulled the condoms out of their wallets. And don't think I didn't notice you had your wallet in your back pocket when you walked away from the table. I can guess why you didn't show it. Joey is a virgin, right?"
He expelled a deep breath. "Yes. And I am not, and therein lies the problem, I think."
"You guys have been together a long time, since last summer, right? When you sailed down to Key West?"
"Uh, yeah. You remember that?"
"The mini golf double date was only two weeks ago, Pacey. I may be a ditz, but my brain doesn't have a leak in it."
He started laughing.
"See? It's working already."
"What is?" he asked, still chuckling.
"I'm helping you feel better. It's my specialty."
She smiled, and he saw a lot more than just friendliness in her eyes. The girl would actually be nice company if she didn't insist on occasionally gazing at him like she wanted to devour him. A twinge of guilt twisted in his gut. If Joey showed up and saw him sitting there with her looking at him like that… "Hmm."
"So, what's the trouble? Does she not want to have sex? Because…" She was eyeing him up and down again. "That's crazy."
He sighed. "I don't think that's the problem. I'm pretty sure she wants to, but… I think she's just spent so many years building it up in her mind and over-analyzing it to death, that she's let it become so huge that she can't deal with the fact that it's going to be very different than what she thought it was going to be. Or, well, I guess who she thought it was going to be with is more accurate.
"I know she loves me, and I know she wants me, but I think she's just having a hard time letting go of her preconceived notions and romantic ideals about the way things should be. She's always been comfortable with the fairy tale, with ideas like soulmates and magical happy endings. Because that takes the responsibility out of her own hands. She won't have to worry about not having control over what happens to her, you know, because it's destiny. That also means she has a tendency to run and hide from real life. She's not fifteen years old anymore. She can't just lock herself away in her best friend's bedroom, watching Spielberg movies and pretending the world doesn't exist.
"But fantasy is safer than reality, and I'm… very real. Our relationship is very real. True love is very real. And that realness is scary because there are no guarantees, no control over what will happen to us. And there's nothing I can do except wait for her to face reality and accept the fact that you just have to take chances. She did it before, when she got on my boat and went with me to Florida. If she could only just see how good things can be when you take even bigger chances, when you just go for it and make that jump. I don't think she knows just how good it can be."
Anna frowned, nodding. "You're still talking about sex, right?"
He snorted. "Um, yeah, well, that's part of it. If you don't take chances, you won't grow, you won't move forward. And so, I wait, and I wait, and I wait for our relationship to move forward. If we don't move forward, then what are we doing? Where is this going? What kind of future are we gonna have? She usually comes around in her own due time, but… I've been waiting a really long time."
"When's the last time you had sex?"
"Um, that's not exactly the point of what I was saying, but… 1999."
Anna gaped. "You're kidding. I mean, look at you. How is that possible? You must be suffering. You know, there are plenty of girls out there who would feel really lucky if they could help you fix that. I mean, you're here right now, and there are lots of pretty girls around who, I'm sure, would jump at the chance to take care of you tonight, including yours truly. You've got a condom in your wallet, right?"
Her eyes filled with heat. He gave her a hard, warning look. "I'm not showing you my wallet, Anna. I don't think you're understanding me. I wouldn't say I'm suffering, exactly. It's not like I've been living in a monastery in the meantime. Joey is worth the wait. I just meant… the wait is starting to get harder because I love her so much, and I want to… physically show her how much I love her. I want that… connection between us, that closeness, and I really don't know why we're not at that stage yet and why we just can't seem to get there. It's just… not happening."
"Look, I know you're not ready to break up with her yet. That's okay, I get it. It doesn't bother me. But I think it would be a shame to waste this opportunity."
She started leaning towards him, eyes closing, lips puckering slightly, her intentions clear. He immediately put his gloved hands up to stop her. Hadn't she heard anything he'd said? "No, Anna. You obviously don't get it at all. This is not going to happen."
"I don't understand. It's just sex. It's not that big of a deal. We're all adults, and…"
He laughed. "No, we're not adults. We're not even close to being adults, and it is that big a deal."
She said nothing, and her eyes became wet. He wondered if anyone had ever rejected her before. Not likely, based on her stories, and since it had seemed like all her experiences were casual and random. Maybe that was why she didn't get it. She'd never been in love.
"I have someone that I want to be with for more than just one night. So, the thought of… losing her or hurting her… it's not even a consideration. For me, it's not about wanting to have sex, it's about wanting to share the most intimate thing you can possibly share with someone." He sighed. "No matter how long you have to wait." The sting of rejection burned in Anna's eyes, and he felt for her. He had never meant to hurt her feelings, but she should've known she was barking up the wrong tree. "So, look, I'm really sorry if I gave you the wrong idea."
Pacey moved off the bench and turned to walk away from the fireplace. He quickly laid eyes on Joey, standing outside the patio, smiling at him. She'd obviously heard something, but how much?
"Hey." It seemed as though she wasn't as upset as she was earlier, which was a good sign seeing as she'd caught him hanging out with Anna, but he was still cautious. Things could quickly turn south again.
"Hey," she replied with a smile.
"How long you been there?" he asked, feeling a little shy over what she might've overheard.
"Long enough for me to see why I love you so much." Her eyes pricked with emotion. What did she ever do to deserve someone like him? He was walking perfection. He was goodness personified. No one could be as tall, as handsome, as charming, as fun to be with—and most importantly, as faithful and loving and kind. He had a beautiful soul. "Why every part of me loves you."
Pacey gave her a slight smile as she stepped closer and kissed his forehead. Then she placed her gloved hand in his, and they turned to start heading back to their cabin. They walked in silence for a couple minutes.
"I'm sorry for just walkin' outta there, Jo."
"Pace, you can be upset. You can be angry. You earned it."
"I wasn't angry with ya."
"You were. And that's okay. You had every right to be. You did nothing wrong. I'm the one who's sorry. I'm sorry for letting Drue and Anna get to me. I'm sorry for overreacting to everything and taking it out on you. I don't have to be so jealous, and I don't have to be so afraid."
She stepped forward and kissed him sweetly. Hand in hand they continued their way towards cabin twelve. Pacey thought of what Anna had said back there, which was now reminding him of earlier outside the restaurant with Joey. When they were only a few feet from their door, he finally decided to speak up. "Um, I don't want to argue anymore and I don't want to dredge up anything unpleasant, but can I just ask you something?"
"Sure." She threw him a sideways glance, wondering what he could be referring to.
"Why did it bother you that I have a condom in my wallet?"
She swallowed, hesitating. "Pace, I told you it's okay that you have it. Really, it is."
He shook his head. "That's not what I asked. It bothered you, I know it did. And then you made some remark on the ride back to the lodge about me being prepared for any opportunities that come my way. What was that about? There was something there. I could tell."
Taking a deep breath, she stopped walking and turned to him. Her face was etched with sorrow. He returned her stare, his heart in his throat. "I've never told anyone this, not even Dawson, but, uh, do you know how my mom found out my dad was cheating on her?" she said quietly. "He started carrying condoms in his wallet. Me and Bessie overheard them fighting one night. They rarely got into big fights, but this was really bad, probably the worst one ever. I can still hear the sound of my parents sobbing. My mom was so sick—dying—and he just…"
Pacey had no idea what to say, so he only said, "I'm sorry."
"It's not your fault. I'm sorry for putting my weird hang-ups and neuroses on you. You're not my dad, we are not my parents, and this is a completely different situation."
"Jo, I won't carry a condom around if you don't want me to. I'll throw it away right now."
She squeezed his hand, shaking her head. "It's fine, really. Let's just not talk about it anymore, okay? I don't want to think about that stuff. I just wanna think about you and me."
He smiled, but she noticed it didn't fully light up his eyes. She had so much to make up for. She'd ruined his whole day. She had to start making things right. "Since you asked me something, can I ask you something?"
"Uh oh, I don't know if I like the sound of that," he teased. His eyes went wide and then he chuckled. "Sure, sweetheart."
"Do you truly believe, deep down, that some part of me doesn't want my first time to be with you and wishes it was with Dawson instead? Because seriously, Pace, the very idea makes me cringe."
He laughed. "Honestly, Jo… I don't know. I just think that… well, I think that whenever I can't seem to make sense of you and why things aren't going well between us… you're right, I pull the Dawson card because that seems like the most logical explanation. 'Cause if last spring taught me anything, it's that Dawson is usually the reason."
"Pacey, we are so far removed from what happened last spring. Our relationship has grown so far beyond that."
Sighing, he nodded. "I know. I know, you're right. I'm sorry."
"I wasn't looking for an apology, Pacey. I need you to know that I don't wish anything to be different from what it is right now, right here, with you. I don't wish you were a virgin. I don't want to change anything about you. Your history, your experiences, your relationships… they've made you who you are today—this amazing young man standing in front of me, whom I love and adore. I wouldn't change a single thing, and I wouldn't trade you for a million Dawsons."
"It's really only the one that concerns me," he deadpanned.
"Pacey." She arched her brows, giving him an impatient look.
"Okay, okay."
"Let's make a deal. I will work very hard on my jealousy issues and my insecurities and I will try my hardest to believe without any doubt that I am the only one you want… if you'll do the same when it comes to Dawson."
Pursing his lips, he gave her a chastised look. He was quiet for a moment, deliberating. It'd be easier said than done, but he'd try. "Okay, it's a deal."
Her happy, winning smile warmed his heart. He gathered her in his arms, and tilted his head at their cabin. "What do you say you and I go in there, lock the door, cuddle up together in front of the fire, and you can find something for us to watch on one of the two hundred channels that TV's got. Huh? Your pick."
Laughing, she placed her hand back in his. "I like that idea," she told him, pulling him with her towards the door. She had other plans, though.
Inside the cabin, they hung their coats on the rack. Pacey locked the door. Joey was swiftly becoming a jumble of nerves and excitement. She needed to calm down. A hot shower might help. She also thought it wouldn't be a bad idea to shave her legs again.
She went over to one of the dressers and pulled open the top drawer, taking out a white tank top and some pajama bottoms. She stared at the small pile of folded clean underwear. What would be the point of putting any on? They'd just be coming off.
"I think I'm gonna take a shower," she said. "Why don't you find something you wanna watch, Pace?"
"Are you sure? I said you could pick."
She shrugged. "I'm sure."
Then she walked inside the bathroom. From inside her toiletry bag, she pulled out her toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream and razor, shampoo and conditioner. Removing her jeans, she pulled out the folded piece of copy paper with Pacey's sex quiz answers, reading them again. Excitement warmed her blood. Anticipation tightened the pit of her stomach. Folding it back up, she placed it back inside her jeans pocket. She turned on the hot water and stepped into the shower.
Pacey watched the bathroom door close. He couldn't quite put his finger on it, but something was different. Joey was different. It wasn't the kind of different that would've worried him, that would've sent him reeling with the panic of rising dread, but… something had definitely changed, shifted. He could sense it in the air. He just didn't know what that was.
He sat on the edge of the bed and turned on the TV, aimlessly clicking through channels, listening to the water pressure in the shower. He had no idea how much time had passed when he heard the water turn off, but just a few minutes later, he heard the sound of Joey's hair dryer and smiled. Her femininity fascinated him. The tomboy in her was fading away, and was quickly becoming replaced with slim, delicate gracefulness, subdued elegance. Her mind was like a work of art so complex that sometimes he could hardly understand it, and her sweet and sarcastic personality always kept him guessing. She was the woman of his dreams.
A warm, passionate feeling flowed through his entire body. He had never been so in love before. His relationship with Andie was the only thing he could compare it to, and now it seemed like that had just been a teenage puppy love. What he felt for Joey was so much deeper. Their relationship had the romantic spark of young love, and the intimacy of best friends. She completely and absolutely owned his heart. She inspired in him whatever energy, passion, imagination, aspiration, and determination he had. If his life was a story, he was convinced she was its heroine.
The bathroom door opened and his heart fluttered. She smiled as she caught his eye, carrying her jeans and the sweater she'd been wearing over to her duffel bag. Pacey looked her up and down, smiling at the sight of her pajamas.
"What are you watching?" she asked, turning towards the television.
"Just a basketball game," he shrugged. Then he clicked the TV off. "I'm gonna go brush my teeth."
She smiled. "Okay."
When Pacey disappeared behind the bathroom door, Joey felt a surge of excitement. She got the box of matches from her bag and quickly went around the room, lighting the candles. The thought of the condoms in her bedside drawer filled her with warmth, sent a fluttering through her body. Taking deep, steadying breaths, she calmed her nerves.
She still wasn't exactly sure how she was going to initiate, but that didn't matter anymore. All the obsessive planning and over-analyzing she'd done in preparation for the senior trip had gotten her nowhere, which was typical. Hadn't Pacey taught her that sometimes you just have to live life in the moment? So, she was going to let go and just wing it.
Retrieving her hairbrush, she stood facing the mirrored vanity and began brushing her hair. The bathroom door opened, and Pacey walked out. "Hey."
"Hi," he smiled, coming up next to her, reaching for the hairbrush. "May I?"
Surprised, she laughed. "Sure."
He took the brush from her and went to stand behind her. He moved the brush through her hair, reveling in its softness, in the dark chocolate color he loved so much.
As Joey watched him in the mirror, she pictured him putting that condom in his wallet, and waiting, hoping that someday soon she would be ready. She thought of the condoms that were stashed in her bedside table, a key element to her grand plan. They could wait for another time. She knew which condom she wanted to use.
"Hey, Pace."
"Hmm?"
She reached behind to hold his hand and he stopped brushing. He looked up to meet her gaze in the mirror. "Do you… do you still have your wallet?"
"I thought we were done talking about that."
She took the brush from his other hand. "We are."
As she set the hairbrush down on the vanity, their earlier conversation about her parents went through his head. She must have changed her mind about his offer. "Okay," he breathed, laughing.
Pacey removed the wallet from his back pocket and leaned into her. With his arms wrapped around her and his head on her shoulder, he held the wallet open in front of her and removed the condom. "You gonna throw it away?" he asked as she reached for it.
She knew he was being thoughtful, considerate. But the fact his first inclination was that she'd want to throw it away instead of use it saddened her. It was mostly her fault, for waiting this long when she'd honestly been ready a long time ago, for being evasive and avoidant for the past month and a half because of her oh-so-brilliant ski trip plan.
Well, that was all about to change. "I wanna throw the wrapper away."
He locked eyes with her in the mirror, and froze, staring. He hadn't expected… Did she feel obligated because of earlier?
Again, it saddened her that his reaction to her wanting to have sex with him was shock and disbelief. That he'd been scared there was any part of her that wished her first time didn't have to be with someone like him. She loved him. He loved her; he was her best friend, her teacher, her protector—there was no one better to guide her through this moment.
He laughed nervously. "If this is about what I was—"
"Pacey," she said, turning from the mirror to look him in the face. "This is about how you carried my bag off the bus this morning."
She moved forward, forcing him to start backing up towards the bed. He stared at her, unable to speak, his heart starting to pound. The butterflies were alive in his gut and trying to escape. Was this really happening?
"This is about how… when we go to the movies, and you go and you buy popcorn, you always make sure you bring back a napkin so I don't wipe all the grease on my jeans."
Was that a thing? He'd never thought anything of it. Joey kept moving towards him, and he kept backing up. His mouth was going dry, and he licked his lips and swallowed.
"This is about how when we're at miniature golf, you take all of the shots first so I would know the correct path."
He finally found his voice. "Well, that's just—"
"You taught me how to drive."
He figured out what she was getting at, listing her reasons for why she did want it to be him. He supposed sex was like driving a car—scary at first, a big responsibility, but also fun and something you got better at, and more comfortable with, with practice. Then Joey's fingers were at his corduroy shirt, and she started slowly undoing the buttons. His heart hammered beneath his ribs.
The corners of her mouth curved up. He wasn't the only one who remembered everything. "And last year at prom, you knew that the bracelet I was wearing was my mom's."
She looked up at him, her face glowing softly in the light from the fireplace, and he smiled, memories of their dance at the Anti-Prom flashing across his mind.
"You kissed me first, sweetheart." Before Dawson ever did.
She finally reached the last button. "The third time, you counted to ten just before doing it again, just in case I wanted to stop you."
She opened his shirt and pushed it off his shoulders, as memories of Aunt Gwen's backyard filled his heart. Joey was standing so close, her hair was brushing his face, the sweet scent of her shampoo filling his nostrils. His shirt came down his arms and she tossed it to the floor.
"You bought me a wall."
Pacey's stomach was doing somersaults. His breathing became uneven. He cleared his throat. "I didn't buy it so much as I lea—"
She lifted his hand to her lips and kissed him. "We were alone on a boat for three months, and you understood without a word why I wasn't ready."
Joey's hands were at the hem of his undershirt and she lifted it up and over his head. The muscles in the pit of his stomach had begun to tingle. He'd lost his voice again. He could only stare. He didn't want to get too excited. He still couldn't quite believe this was really going to happen.
She lifted her eyes from Pacey's bare chest to his face. A watercolor of desire had begun to swirl slowly within her mind. "Do you have to ask me now why I am?"
Her clear and decisive gaze met and irresistibly held his uncertain one. Bathed in the warmth of the fireplace, there was a glow of fiery yellow-orange-red to her brown eyes. He could see no doubt, no fear. He lifted his hand, brushing the hair from her face. The desire he was battling was starting to gain the advantage.
She searched his face. Pacey still wasn't saying anything. She could see his uncertainty was beginning to waver, but she wished there hadn't been any uncertainty at all. For him to look at her with hesitant eyes, as if he couldn't quite believe she truly wanted to do this with him, as if he thought there was a chance that she would change her mind and pull the rug out from under him…
She didn't blame him, after the way she'd behaved. Maybe now wasn't the best time. He'd been rightfully upset with her earlier. Just because she wanted to have sex right now, didn't mean that he did. And then she remembered Aunt Gwen's house last spring. The look on his face when he'd come towards her, and the way he'd counted to ten, to be sure of her consent, to give her time to say no—sexy and reassuring at the same time.
"Pace…" Their hands met in the air, fingers caressing. Her heart was pounding, her blood was surging, heat spreading through her. "I'm gonna count to ten… and then I'm going to start kissing you."
He accepted it was happening. His breathing evened out. Her face was so close to his, inches. His stomach felt like it was turning cartwheels.
"If you don't want me to… then you're just gonna have to stop me."
He had no intention of stopping her. Pacey closed his eyes, and waited.
Counting inside her head, Joey came closer, lifting her face to his, her heart racing and her body tingling. She put her hand on his chest and felt his heart pounding, too. That told her all she needed to know.
"Ten, my love."
She claimed his mouth with her own, kissing him deeply. When he lifted his hand to hold the back of her head as he reciprocated her kiss, she thanked God or the universe or whoever might be listening for allowing someone like him to be in her life. She cradled the back of his neck and made him kiss her even deeper, longer, harder.
Then Pacey finally took over, dominating the kiss. His love for her running like fire in his veins, he kissed her—kissed her face, her throat, her shoulders and down her arm as he lowered the thin strap of her tank top. And she was kissing him, kissing everywhere she could reach. When his arms wrapped around her, encircling her with their gentle strength, and he started pulling her with him towards the bed, Joey gave a relieved giggle, her heart soaring.
He walked backwards until his legs hit the mattress of their bed. Keeping his hold on her, he fell onto the soft comforter with her on top of him, and her giggles made him grin, made his heart swell with happiness. He shifted until he had them lying in the middle, turning until he hovered over her.
"You are so beautiful," he murmured, and she smiled up at him.
Pacey wanted to take his time with her, wanted to savor her innocent passion, wanted this moment to last as long as possible before they allowed nature to run its course. He wanted to make sure her first time was good for her, he wanted to do everything right. For some time, they lay together on the bed, kissing passionately, hungrily. As much as he loved kissing her, he knew their control would only last so long before their bodies demanded release, and sure enough, Joey was soon squirming beneath him as his cock started to swell.
He pulled his mouth away from hers and allowed it to slide down her jaw to her throat. Joey's back arched slightly off the mattress. Pacey's kisses were driving her crazy. She wanted more, needed more. She reached for the hem of her tank top and pulled it over her head so she could bare her chest to the onslaught of his mouth. The top was tossed away to join his scattered clothes. The feel of his bare skin against hers was electric, exquisite, glorious and torturous, for even while she loved it, she was greedy for more.
With a groan of pure lust, Pacey cupped her breasts in both hands. Then his mouth returned to hers and he kissed her hard. Her breasts felt perfect in his hands and her throaty moans told him how much she loved having him touch her. He stroked her silken skin and his erection hardened. Beneath his palms, her nipples were tight with arousal. He pinched them lightly, and she moaned again, louder this time.
He wrenched himself from her kisses and started moving lower, kissing the soft skin covering her collarbones. As he brought his mouth to her breast, he gazed up at her. Joey was staring back with heavy-lidded eyes. She nodded. Her breasts ached, longed for him. "Yes," she whimpered.
"Pacey." His name slipped out in a breathy moan the moment she felt his mouth close over one nipple. He didn't suckle. He didn't even move his lips, but his breath was hot and moist against her. He was still watching her when his tongue began to flick across the tender bud. His blue eyes were dark and intent, and she shuddered at the carnal promise she saw in his gaze.
Another soft moan escaped her throat. She arched her back, driving her breast harder into his mouth. He began to kiss her nipple, his tongue a sweet caress. Eyes wide, lips parted, and her skin electrifyingly alive, she could not stop staring at the way his mouth moved over her. When he paused to look up at her again, she could feel her face flaming at being caught staring.
"Do you want more?" he asked, his voice rough with desire.
She nodded, and her hips involuntarily arched. "Where's the condom?"
He laughed. "We'll get to that, Jo, don't worry." Then his brows furrowed. That was actually a very good question. Where was the condom? He propped himself up on his elbow and looked around the room. It had been left over on the vanity next to her hairbrush. Not a great place for it. He turned back at her. "Hold that thought," he said, and quickly moved off the bed.
While he grabbed the condom, Joey took the opportunity move further up the mattress and lay her head atop a soft pillow. Pacey quickly returned to the bedside, setting the condom down on the table.
"You're still wearing your jeans," she said, her mouth curving suggestively. "Not fair."
"Well, you're still wearing your pajamas. We're both topless, which is totally fair."
She pouted. His chest shook with silent laughter, and then he nodded his assent. Pacey made quick work of the button and zipper, and his jeans and socks were soon in a pile on the floor along with the rest of his clothes. He moved towards the bed and watched as Joey's gaze traveled down his body to the erection tenting his boxers. When he saw her squirm, her hips arching again, his eyes darkened with lust and his blood surged hot in his veins. He rejoined her on the mattress.
"Okay, now, where were we?" he said with a sly grin. And then he was bending his head down over her again.
This time, when his mouth closed over her breast, he meant business. He started to worship her nipple with a deep, sensuous suckle, practically devouring her breast while his hand played with its creamy twin. Joey gasped, and her fingertips sunk into his nape. She still couldn't take her eyes off him, even when he switched to her other breast and did the same.
While his mouth paid silent tribute to her breasts, Joey writhed beneath him. When she felt the gentle scrape of his teeth, she clutched that dark head to her, watching his mouth work thoroughly, loving first one tip and then the other until they were hard points of desire. A whimper formed deep in her throat and her legs opened, allowing his thigh entrance between. The moment she felt its presence there, she arched herself wantonly upon its muscled hardness and felt the exquisite ache deep inside.
"Pacey," she begged. "I can't…" She trailed off, breathing hard.
Lifting his mouth from her breast, he looked into her lust-glazed eyes, pleading with him to give her what she wanted. He took a deep breath. Her heady scent of desire now filled his nostrils, making his head spin. He moved lower and inserted his thumbs into the waistline of her pajama bottoms. Sliding them off, to his surprise, he saw she had on nothing underneath. His cock began throbbing.
As he slid further down on the bed, Joey knew where he was heading, and while she would normally welcome the act, she was a little impatient to get on with it. They'd had months of foreplay. "You really don't need to do that," she breathed. "I'm ready, Pacey. You can put on the condom."
"But I want to do this," he replied. "I want you in my mouth. I love the way you taste."
She whimpered, and writhed on the bed. Wanton lust fogged her brain at his words.
He planted sweet kisses across her belly, and still he moved lower. His fingers slid over her mound, through her soft hair. Pacey shivered. Fuck, she was wet. Well, he knew she could be wetter, and would probably need to be. She'd said she felt ready, but he wanted to do everything in his power to ensure it was a good experience. The thought of hurting her was almost more than he could bear.
Joey spread her legs. Closing her eyes, she quivered with excitement, reveling in the shameless, pleasurable lust that burned throughout her body. Warm, moist heat washed over her as Pacey settled down between her legs. His breath teased her. The tickle of his fingers against her sensitive skin made her jump. His mouth fluttered through her feminine curls; the heavy rasp of his breath was full of erotic promise. He kissed her there, a lingering brush of lips that brought her body off the bed and her hands to his hair. At the touch of his tongue, Joey sucked in a sharp breath and curled her fingers against his scalp.
Slow, provocative strokes brought her hips into a movement that matched his languorous rhythm, but try as she might, she couldn't get his mouth to that place she wanted it the most. He alternated between long, teasing strokes, always stopping just before her throbbing cleft, and soft, gentle kisses on her inner thighs. He was driving her mad with lust. Joey bucked her hips and groaned.
With an amused grin, he licked her folds, filling his senses with her taste, her smell, her sounds. His own arousal throbbed inside his boxers. She bucked again as he brought his mouth closer to her clit, but not close enough. He grabbed her hips to hold her still as he suckled her folds. His tongue found her hot entrance, seeping with her wet desire, and she cried out as he plunged inside as far as he could go.
Joey's whimpers had become a steady stream as he drove her crazy. Every time the tension built, he'd change his tactic, frustrating her with need. The twinkle in his eyes told her he knew exactly what he was doing. If only he'd move his mouth a little higher. God, he was right there…
Pacey grinned, a sense of self-satisfaction rising up inside him at his ability to make her desperate with wanting him. She'd grown hotter and wetter as he worked his mouth over her. He lifted his face to look at her, causing her to whimper in protest, and he laughed. He was determined to make her scream, and he knew just what could do it: his voice.
"I love how wet you are," he said quietly. "And you taste so good."
Joey gasped for breath. Blood starting pounding in her ears.
His fingertips caressed her sensitive flesh. "I love the way your lips become puffy and swollen for me. They're so soft and smooth, and I know they'd feel amazing around my cock."
Her eyes rolled to the back of her head and she groaned.
"I love the way your clit swells and pushes out from under its hood, begging for my attention."
Her heels dug into the mattress, her hips trying to buck against his hold on them.
"Your pussy is so beautiful."
Joey couldn't take it anymore. It felt like every muscle had coiled. She was tight, ready to explode, straining with the tension. And then his mouth was there, engulfing her swollen clit with its wet heat, and he slowly speared her with a finger. He licked, flicked back and forth over her, while he stroked her sensitive inner walls, the dual caresses sending her flying.
His name was in her mouth, over and over, and the sound of it ignited him, goading him to give her more. Then he sucked her clit hard between his lips, his tongue a firm stroke against it, and starbursts of light and color exploded behind her closed eyelids. The tension burst, flooding her with throbbing pleasure, and she came, gasping, and cried out again and again until the spasms subsided.
Pacey lapped her up, tasting her salty sweet orgasm on his tongue, his cock rock hard, his own need for her quickly becoming desperate. She soon pushed his face away. While she lay there quivering, he moved up over her body, planting both hands on the mattress beside her arms, and smiled down at her, triumphant.
She was still breathing harshly, her head empty of all thoughts except pure bliss. She stared up at him with heavy-lidded eyes. "Oh, my God. Oh, my God, Pacey."
He shook his head, clicking his tongue with fake reproach. "And you wanted to skip that part."
She started giggling, that giggle of absolute wonder and delight he loved so much. "Crazy talk. I'm so glad you didn't listen to me." Then she grinned wickedly and reached for his erection. "It's only fair."
"Nope," he said, swiftly batting her hand away from his boxers. "If you touch me, this'll all be over before it's even started."
"Oh," she giggled.
He laughed, and then breathed a deep sigh. "I love you, Joey Potter."
She looked up at him, tenderness and affection in her gaze. "I love you, too, Pacey."
She pulled him down to her, bringing his lips to hers, and kissed him passionately. Her body began to thrum again, that indescribable, incomparable, delicious ache deep inside her hadn't abated. She had to be filled by him. She needed it. Craved it. She wanted him more than she wanted her next breath.
Then Joey turned and reached over to the bedside table to grab the condom. His stomach full of butterflies, Pacey took it from her hand and sat back on his knees. He removed his boxers, freeing his aching cock, and tossed them to the floor. His hands shook as he tore the wrapper open and placed the lubricated condom at the head of his erection.
Licking her lips, Joey couldn't take her eyes off him. She lay there in bliss, his large member pointing straight at her, a bead of pre-cum glistening on its tip. Time slowed as she watched him roll the condom down his arousal, long and thick, her body clenching with anticipation as she struggled to breathe. "Oh, my."
Pacey looked up at her. When she finally wrenched her gaze away and met his eyes, she sucked in a breath, for he was looking at her the same way: wide-eyed, dazed, and ravenous. A slight sense of apprehension twinged inside her. His erection seemed much bigger than before, and it had always seemed huge to her.
He started to move back towards her. Joey's eyes ran over him as he came closer, and her gaze lingered on his latex-covered cock, which projected outward with the rigidity of a sundial. "Oh, my," she breathed again. The flush running up her throat and into her face deepened. "You are so gorgeous."
That's when Pacey realized he was in for it. He hadn't intended for their first time to be a test of his control, but now it likely would be. The other part of wanting her so much was that he felt like he could come at any moment. That would be bad on many levels, excruciatingly embarrassing levels.
He crawled over her, his cock throbbing and heavy between them. Joey's hands came up around his neck, her thumbs caressing his skin in soft circles. "I need you so much, Pacey," she murmured, making something inexplicable tighten in his chest. He had the urge to wrap his arms around her and hold on for dear life. To protect her. To cherish her. He needed her just as much.
He resisted the urge to grab her hips, lift her into position, and thrust right inside her to the hilt. Her body suddenly seemed so small, and he seemed so big in comparison. Pacey worried that he'd be too much for her first time. If he hurt her, he'd never forgive himself. With the entrance to nirvana so very close, and yet still so far, his brain was on tilt.
Joey bit down on her lip, and in a flash so brief, he almost didn't recognize it, worry flickered across her face. He drew the back of a finger down her cheek, holding himself in check. "Are you sure?" he asked, barely above a whisper.
"I'm absolutely sure."
"I'll take it slow," he said, his voice tight with lust, not knowing whether he sought to reassure her or himself. "If you ever want to stop this, at any point, promise you'll tell me, and I'll stop."
She smiled, her eyes sparkling up at him. "I won't want you to s—"
"Jo, please just promise me."
"Okay. I promise," she assured him, although she had zero intentions of stopping anything.
Her legs fell naturally to either side of him. She could feel the heat from his pelvis as he grabbed hold of the base of his arousal and guided it towards her dripping center. She could feel her wetness pooling in readiness to receive him. Joey bit her lip ever so slightly as the engorged head brushed first against her inner thigh. Even then, she could feel the unyielding firmness of it against her skin, and her body throbbed in anticipation even as nervous butterflies came alive inside and muscles tightened in the pit of her stomach.
Then she felt him pause and tense above her. He pushed up on his elbows to gaze down at her. His eyes glistened, looking different from before, and a flush colored his neck. Joey caught his face between her hands. "Pacey, what is it?" she asked. "You're trembling."
"I've never been more afraid of anything than I am of hurting you," he said, his voice ragged. "And I might this first time."
When she was younger, Joey had dreaded the virgin's pain, but now, after so many months with Pacey, after experiencing the pleasure of being in his arms, she no longer felt frightened. With him above her now, brushing the hair from her face, she felt safe, she felt protected. She felt cherished and loved. All her fears, all her insecurities were gone, at least for the time being. She belonged to him, and he belonged to her, and that was all that mattered to her right now.
"Well, if there is some pain, then that's just what naturally would happen and it's not because of you. If you don't have enough trust in yourself, Pace, know that I trust you completely."
Her trust in him was like a balm for his soul. He pushed away all his fears, all his trepidation. When she lifted her legs and locked her thighs against his hips, he bent his head and kissed her with ardent passion. For long moments, Pacey reveled in the taste of her mouth, the feel of her hands on his skin, the soft brush of her feminine hair across his groin. She felt so good. Then his erection throbbed uncontrollably and his balls ached. He wanted more, needed more. All of her.
He shifted and nudged her opening with the tip of his hardness. He swore under his breath as her slick heat taunted him. Poised over her, he slathered the engorged head with the juices seeping from her core, dragging it up to spread over her clit, before repositioning himself at her entrance. As he lingered there, the seconds seemed to move like a thick milkshake through a thin straw. Bracing herself, her breath coming in hard pants, Joey closed her eyes.
"Look at me," he told her when he pressed himself into her wet heat.
She opened her velvety brown eyes, her lips soft and swollen as she stared up at him. Slowly, gently, he pressed deeper into her body, looking for any signs she was in pain.
"Are you okay?" he asked, pulling out a little, then gently pushing in again.
"Yes!" she sighed, arching up into him. The feeling of him inside her was like nothing she'd ever even imagined. It felt different from his fingers. So very different. Hotter, thicker, the invasion felt strange, but she only wanted more. "Don't stop."
"Tell me if it starts to hurt," he urged.
"I will. Just… keep going."
Pacey chuckled, but had to shake his head to relieve some of the lust. It didn't work, not when she was shifting her hips and squeezing his sensitive tip with her inner muscles. Slowly, he thrust further inside her, careful to make sure he wasn't hurting her. Then he reached her resistance. His stomach clenched. His mouth went dry and he swallowed.
"Give me your hand, Joey," his husky words little more than a heavy breath he tried to control.
Once their fingers entwined, Pacey slipped his other hand beneath her hips. He lowered himself, and she felt the soft skin of his firm chest brush against the tips of her breasts. "Squeeze my hand," he whispered, his forehead resting against hers. He gazed down at where they were joined. The instant she did, he pushed through her barrier.
She gasped at the sharp sting and stiffened, her fingers digging into the back of Pacey's hand. Breathing hard, her eyes slammed shut.
Pacey held himself perfectly still as her body clenched tight. It was killing him, but he worried about hurting her. He looked down at her furrowed brow. She had her eyes closed, but no tears flowed. He bent his head again to place a kiss on each eyelid. "Jo, are you okay? Does it hurt?"
"A little, but I'm fine. Just… just give me a minute."
Her breathing soon began to even out as the sharpness of the sting dulled, fading away. Her grip on Pacey's hand loosened. She opened her eyes, and smiled. "So, that's what it feels like," she whispered, amazed as she rubbed her legs against his hips and thighs. "I like it."
He breathed a sigh of relief.
Her hands moved to caress his face, and she beamed a smile up at him. Her eyes were shiny and wet with emotion. "I'm not a virgin anymore," she said, and then lifted her hips, making him groan.
"No." Pacey shook his head. "You're the most beautiful woman in the world."
Smiling, she pulled him down to kiss her. His mouth claimed hers. Then his body throbbed in protest. "Jo, I gotta move," he gritted out. "I can't… I… I gotta move."
He pulled all the way out, and then gently thrust back inside her. She felt her body stretching to accommodate his girth, but there was no sting this time, and it was the most exquisite feeling. So full, so tight, so complete. Her whole body came alive with his invasion, the pleasure he'd shown her earlier returning.
"Oh, my God." The sensation around his cock overwhelmed him. She squeezed around him as he slowly pulled out, and it was as if he'd died and gone to heaven. "Sweet Jesus," he breathed against her neck. "You're so warm. So tight. You feel so good."
Every word made her body weep more.
Then she was squirming beneath him again, showing him what she needed. At first, his movements were slow, wanting to be sure she was ready for more. Soon she was moving with him. He felt her muscles tighten around him and he thrust a bit deeper. Moving in and out, Pacey watched her face, trying to find the best stroke and angle to help her reach that peak again, fighting to control his own urge to climax.
Her legs were wrapped around him, holding him. Just as her wet, silken center welcomed him, caressed him. He drove into her, each thrust more exciting than the last. She met him with her own flesh, as they heard the delicious sounds of skin on skin.
Pacey's sweet mouth was on hers, kissing her hungrily, then kissing her cheeks, her forehead, pressing his lips to that soft spot behind her ear, down her jaw to her throat, her shoulders. His hand palmed her breasts, rolled and pinched her nipples. She felt his love with every touch, every kiss. She heard it in his husky whispers of approval, his moans of pleasure. She could feel his swollen hardness stroking every pleasure-feeling nerve inside her own body. It made her want to hold tight and arch her hips to meet his. So, she did, harder and harder, meeting thrust after thrust as his body met hers, until the feelings swirling inside her were so strong, she didn't know what to do.
It felt so good she didn't want it to stop, and it felt so good it hurt. Shaking, she tried to tell him to stop, to give her more, to wait, to go harder. She didn't know what she wanted to tell him, and all that came out was fractured words before suddenly her release started to build. Her clit was tight again, and she could feel it pulsing. With each thrust, the feeling intensified, and her body was chasing it. It hovered on the edge and Pacey's hard cock was going to send her right over it. She could feel it coming.
Joey was clenching around him, getting hotter, wetter, tighter. He knew she was close, and sent up a fervent prayer she could get there. Reaching between them where his thick hardness met her wet softness, he slicked his thumb and found that hardened bud of nerves. He began to rub in fast, firm circles, trying to help her over. Her perfect little clit throbbed beneath his touch.
"Oh, baby," he said, his voice a husky whisper. "I love you, Joey. I love you so much."
And that's all it took. "Pacey!" she choked, arching off the mattress as her orgasm hit her sudden and hard. Her body pulsed with delight, with pure physical joy. She felt him swell, harden inside her. She was part of him, and he was part of her. Their skin was damp with sweat. They were breathing harshly, groaning.
"Oh, Pacey, don't stop!" she pleaded, ecstasy running through her body. "Don't stop, don't…!"
"As if I could, Potter!"
When he felt Joey's thighs tighten around him in a vice-like grip, he knew she was all the way there and thrust harder, faster, wanted to prolong her pleasure as much as possible.
Every movement of Joey's body was tight, wet heaven. Every clench of her glorious pussy, every sound escaping her throat, was starting to pull him towards a void where there was nothing but pure sensation. Tongues of fire licked up and down his legs, heat building at the base of his spine. Her hands were all over him, caressing his face, his shoulders, his arms, his neck. Then she slid her hands up his sides and over his back, down to his hips, her soft fingers dancing over his overheated skin. He shuddered under her touch. Then she ran her warm hands over his ass, gripping him as his hips thrust against her. A growl escaped his throat, his control nearly snapping.
She was kissing him passionately, and then her kisses were on his face, his jaw, her lips brushing his ear. The pleasure she was giving him was intensifying in his lower back, making his balls lift, making his cock so hard he felt invincible, and it was starting to overwhelm his thoughts, his emotions. He could feel his control beginning to splinter at the seams, like a ship coming apart in a storm.
The pleasure had him in its mad grip now, and he was suddenly driving for satisfaction with utter disregard to her virginity and his own concern for it. But she didn't seem to mind. She was making those mewling sounds that coincided with his thrusts, and her body was begging for his with every downward motion. She whispered encouragement, explicit, exciting things that would have shocked and shamed her in cold daylight. Words that made his head burn and his entire body feel as if on fire.
"I love you, Pacey," Joey whimpered. "It's so good. You feel so good." And then her soft lips were on his neck, sucking him into her mouth, her tongue tasting his skin.
All rational thought fled his brain. His control shattered instantly, his orgasm breaking over him like a tsunami without warning, obliterating everything in its path. Time ceased to exist. The earth stopped rotating on its axis. But instead of his orgasm ebbing and retreating, it hit him again as another wave crashed over him. And this time he felt an impact even more powerful than before: with Joey's inner muscles clenching around him, all sensations intensified, doubled, tripled, until everything suddenly culminated in an explosion of pleasure. He buried his face in her neck. His vision went black and a thousand colors burst behind his eyes. He felt the fire in his balls racing up his cock. With his eyes slammed shut with intense passion, his loud guttural moans filled the room as he emptied himself inside the condom.
Joey went limp, her heart pounding, her skin dewy, her breath coming in uneven gasps. His limbs went numb and he collapsed onto her, breathing just as hard. Mind. Blown. He wasn't sure he could even remember how to spell his own name at the moment.
She gazed up at him with something akin to wonder, a smile playing at the corner of her mouth. The maddened haze of lust began to fade, leaving her head in a fog of bliss. As she looked into Pacey's ocean-blue eyes, her love for him suddenly rose up inside her like a wave, powerful and all-consuming. Feeling dangerously close to tears, she fought them back. She refused to cry. How girly and stupid and embarrassing. She refused. She would not cry. She wouldn't.
It suddenly occurred to him that he must be crushing her, and he shifted his weight. Still hard, he carefully eased himself out of her body, until he was half on top of her, half beside her. His head lay on Joey's breast, listening to the pounding of her heart and the feel of it against his cheek. A rhythm. A perfect love song. They lay like that for some minutes, her fingers running through his hair.
His erection softening, the condom loosening, he moved over to lay on his back beside her. "Are you okay?" he asked.
She thought about that for a long moment. Was she okay? Her body had just gone through the most incredible experience of her young life. "I don't think okay describes what I'm feeling right now," she answered honestly.
He chuckled and stared up at the ceiling, dazed. "Yeah."
For a little while, she was blissfully unaware of anything at all except the quiet thrum of her body as she lay on the bed. Every inch of her was tingling. She felt a twinge of soreness, but it was dull, and she knew it would pass. Mostly, she felt spent, utterly spent. She felt fantastic. And all she wanted was to do it again as soon as possible.
Then Pacey was gone for a few minutes. She thought she heard the water running. Soon he was back, sliding into bed next to her. He rested an arm across her belly and kissed her cheek. "How are you doing, sweetheart?"
"Mmm." It took a moment to marshal her thoughts enough to speak actual words. "Amazing. I'm amazing."
"Yeah, you are," Pacey agreed, and she blushed furiously. "That was…" He trailed off.
Joey turned her head to look at him, and she was a little surprised at the stunned, wide-eyed expression on his face. "Nice?" she suggested, still blushing.
"Nice?"
She expelled a breathy laugh. "Good?"
"You are the queen of the understatement. That was like nothing I've ever felt before."
"Really?" She'd promised herself she wasn't going to be insecure about anything afterwards, and here she was already asking for reassurance. Her throat tightened. It was suddenly a much more difficult challenge to keep her eyes dry. She blinked up at the ceiling, trying to will the tears from forming.
"Yeah. Really. It's never been like this, Jo. It never felt like that. Not with anyone. I've never felt like this."
Then the raw emotion she'd been fighting welled up inside her and burst, like a dam finally breaking. She turned and hid her face in his neck, locked the words I love you inside her heart forever, and began to cry in wonderful relief. Tears pricked his own eyes and he swallowed against the lump tightening his throat. He gathered her close to his chest and held her in his arms. He feathered soothing kisses over her face and whispered soft words of comfort and praise until her tears subsided, some words she couldn't quite catch, but his tone told her all she really needed to know, most notably that he loved her.
Soon Joey could sense the pull towards sleep, but she felt restless and found herself staring in the direction of the bathroom. She clutched the sheet and glanced around. Her pajamas were strewn across the floor and were out of reach. She chewed her bottom lip, suddenly feeling shy.
Sensing her misgivings, Pacey cupped her face in his hand and kissed her softly. "This is not the time to start feeling bashful." He smiled against her mouth. "Go do what you need to do and then come right back. I don't want to fall asleep until I feel you warm against me."
She melted to pure mush. God, he was just so… so perfect. Blushing, she rolled out of bed.
After a few minutes, she returned from the bathroom, still naked, and slipped underneath the covers, curling up against him as he pulled her close, enveloping her in the comfort and safety of his arms. They lay there for some time, naked bodies entwined, eyes gazing into one another. Sharing gentle kisses and whispered "I love yous," they both floated into the pleasant, satisfied drowsiness that soon lulled them to sleep.