It's been way too long for me to find it this hard,
Sitting alone, my fingers picking the sofa apart,
An attempt to distract from the fact that I miss you.
Her brow furrowed as she took in the scene in front of her. She stood on the catwalk, looking into Chief Webber's office, and if she wasn't mistaken, her mother was sat in there with him. That's the last thing she needed today.
All day her interns had been either causing problems or just being plain idiots. Not that it was different from any other day, but today she had a red wine induced hangover. Why did she agree to drink wine with Cristina last night? They never drank wine. She groaned softly and decided that hopefully, if she ignored her mother, she would go away. If she was lucky.
She turned on her heel and took the long way round to the OR floor, to avoid being noticed walking past the Chief's office. She had a solo surgery today, clipping her first aneurysm, and she wasn't going to let her mother ruin that for her.
As she approached the OR board, she noticed Cristina stood waiting to see her off into her surgery, just as Meredith had done for her the day before.
"We are never drinking red wine in so much excess ever again," she groaned to her friend as she stood beside her, eyes scanning the OR board to double check where she would be and at what time. She quickly checked her watch and realised she only had 15 minutes before the scheduled start.
"I'm going to have to agree with that one," Cristina mumbled back, her eyes still trained on the board in front of her as Meredith picked up the chart for her patient, giving it one last read through. After a moment, Cristina spoke up again, "Hey, I thought you just had one surgery today?"
Meredith's grow burrowed as she looked at her friend in confusion, "I do only have one surgery today, Cris." In response, Cristina merely gestured toward the board and Meredith followed her gaze, just now seeing what she was talking about.
"Oh, you have got to be kidding me," she released a huff of annoyance before turning back to give a questioning Cristina an explanation, "My mother is here. Showing off her new method. I thought I saw her just now in the Chief's office, but I didn't even put two and two together," she rolled her eyes and continued to look through her patient's chart. Her face dropped as a second realisation hit her, "Oh she's speaking at the fundraiser, I doubt she'll let me get out of that…" she muttered, mostly to herself as Cristina wasn't paying her attention anymore.
Something, or rather someone, caught Cristina's eye, and her hand touched Meredith's shoulder, gaining her a look of annoyance from Meredith at the contact. Meredith, however, couldn't see who was stood just down the hall behind her, "Mer, I think you should go scrub in. You'll be great," she gave her a small smile, "I'll be in the gallery."
Meredith quirked an eyebrow at her friend's odd behaviour but didn't think to question it as she gave her a shrug and closed the chart, "I'll see you after, I guess."
As Meredith walked through the doors into the restricted area of the OR corridor, she couldn't help but watch the gaze of the dark-haired male following her friend's retreating figure, a sadness in his eyes. She approached him and quirked an eyebrow at him, "Shepherd, what are you doing here?"
His attention turned to Cristina as she stood in front of him, hands across her chest as she waited for his response. "Dr Grey… Ellis. She asked me to accompany her. My father is here as well."
"Well, you need to leave her daughter alone. She's doing good, finally. She's already up the wall with the fact her mother is here, she doesn't need you messing things up as well," Cristina pointed out.
"I'm not here to mess things up, you don't need to worry about that."
Cristina narrowed her eyes at him a moment as she tried to decide whether to believe him or not. She shook her head, decidedly not believing his intentions, "Just stay away." Without another word, she turned and stalked up to the gallery overlooking the OR Meredith would be operating in. She had no doubt there was trouble brewing.
I wonder if your friends have had to carry you home,
And stay for the night because they don't want to leave you alone.
Way before it was fun, it's becoming an issue.
Meredith was on a high. A surgery-induced high. She had clipped the aneurysm perfectly and was ready to close up the patient. She had even managed to teach her interns a thing or two in the process. She didn't even care that she could feel eyes on her up from the gallery. Concentrating on the patient in front of her, she didn't feel the need to identify who the stare belonged to as she perfected her final sutures.
A grin formed behind her mask as her attending, Dr Miller, lead the OR in the ceremonial, solo surgery, round of applause, and she allowed herself a quick glance up at the gallery. And she could swear her heart missed a beat at what she saw, the grin wiped off her face almost immediately, not that anyone would notice under the mask. Quickly lowering her gaze again, she left the OR into the scrub room, pulling off her mask, gown and gloves and disposing of them before scrubbing out.
Cristina sat up there, a smirk on her lips as she watched her friend, proud of her. On the opposite end of the row of seats, sat her mother with Chief Webber beside her. Just seeing her mother sat there watching, judging her every move, that would be enough to push her nerves close to the edge. But that wasn't what caused her irregular heartbeat. Right behind them, sat none other than Derek freaking Shepherd. And she was angry. That pushed her right over the edge and into the deep waters below.
How dare he just show up here. What was he doing here anyway? He had no business being in Seattle, never mind sitting up in the gallery of her OR with a smirk on his face. She felt like she needed to scream. She left the scrub room, where Cristina had waited outside for her. She needed to go talk to the patient's family, but she needed to go calm down first. Cristina took one glance at her friend's mood and grabbed her hand to lead her down the OR hall and into the nearest empty office, away from any prying eyes.
I know it's cruel,
But I kind of hope you're tortured too.
"So…" Cristina started, gauging her friend's reaction as Meredith paced the length of the small room.
"What is he doing here? What's so good about Seattle? Why can't he just stay on the east coast, and I stay on the west coast, and then everything would just be fine!" She groaned as she stopped in the middle of the room, her hands covering her face, muttering, "I need to forget about him, I need to calm down, and I need to go talk to the patient's family."
"Mer, you did a good job in there. Focus on that. It was your first solo aneurysm, and you had a good outcome," Cristina gave her a little sympathy, knowing how broken Meredith had been when she had come back from New York last year. "Forget about him, forget about your mother. Go and speak to your patient's family, give them the good news, and feel damn proud of yourself."
Tell me, does your heart stop at the party when my name drops?
Like you're stood at the platform when the trains cross.
Are you hurting, yeah you must be,
Or is it just me?
She followed Cristina's instructions, making her way through to the family waiting area ready to give them an update on the patient. After a round of thank-yous and near hugs, letting them know a nurse will be through shortly to take them through, Meredith turned and found herself face to face with her mother.
"Meredith, I hope you aren't avoiding me," she chastised, and Meredith had to resist the urge to roll her eyes.
"I'm not, I was updating the family of my patient, and now I have to go and check on my patient," her eyes flickered to where Derek stood, a little ways back watching the interaction, unable to discern his thoughts or feeling she looked back to her mother.
"Well, yes, good work," the praise sounded forced, but Meredith took it anyway, "Will you be available to observe my surgery later this afternoon?"
She forced a smile and nodded, "Barring any emergencies or complications. I'll catch up with you later."
Her mother nodded, and placed a hand on Meredith's shoulder a moment, much to Meredith's curiosity, only to drop it a second later and turn back to Dr Webber, effectively allowing Meredith to go and check on her patient. As she made her way up to the ICU, she decided she would just avoid Derek for now. They hadn't spoken in over a year, since he left her in the bar, and it wasn't like he wouldn't know where to find her. He was probably still seeing that girl anyway, if he hadn't already moved on to his next conquest.
Tongue-tied, screaming on the inside,
When I say that we broke up and they ask why.
Are you crying in the shower like a freak?
Or is it just me?
She had another hour before her mother's surgery started, and so far, had been unable to find an excuse to not be around while she was operating. She fell into a chair at their usual table in the cafeteria, Cristina and Alex already sat there waiting for her to join them. From their original intern group of five, they were the only three remaining at this point, halfway through their fourth year of residency.
Cristina didn't even bother to lift her head from the textbook in front of her as she addressed Meredith, "So, have you figured out why McDreamy appears to be stalking your mother around Seattle Grace?"
Meredith groaned softly and her face fell forward into her hands as Alex spoke before she could respond, "Wait, that's the guy? I thought he was supposed to be into neurosurgery, like you?"
She looked up, her chin resting on her hands, "Apparently, he's my mother's favourite resident."
Alex let out a loud laugh, causing a few stares from the surrounding tables at his sudden outburst and Meredith simply shook her head before lowering her face into her hands again. An eery silence then fell in the cafeteria, and a familiar sensation came over Meredith and she knew before she raised her head that her mother was stood beside her, but when she looked up she didn't intend to find Derek stood there as well.
"Meredith, you remember Dr Shepherd, yes?" Her mother spoke, either still oblivious to the past between the pair, or wilfully ignoring it. Hearing a slight snigger from Cristina beside her, Meredith directed a kick of her foot at her friend's shin to shut her up.
"Oh, yeah," Meredith nodded, keeping her gaze on her mother, the lesser of two evils in that moment.
"I need you to chaperone him, can't have him following me around all day. Find him some scrubs as well, he'll be assisting me later on," at this, knowing Derek's dislike of general surgery, Meredith had to stop herself from laughing.
She gestured towards the empty chair at the table, "Sure, go ahead."
"Great," in Meredith's peripheral, she noticed Derek moving to sit in the chair. "I want you to scrub in as well, Meredith," there it was, she wasn't going to get out of this now. It was almost like karmic retribution for having almost laughed at Derek.
"I'll see you there," Meredith conceded, receiving just a nod from her mother before she walked away, off to who knows where with Dr Webber. She took a sip of water from the bottle in front of her, suddenly feeling a thickness in her throat from the awkward tension that filled the air.
"Good to see you again, Cristina," Derek spoke first, and Meredith continued to stare at the bark on her water bottle.
"It's either Yang, or Dr Yang. It's hardly nice to see you again," as always, Cristina was straight forward. Meredith's gaze flickered upward to catch Derek's reaction, but he was seemingly unaffected. In fact, he seemed pretty unaffected being around Meredith. She was definitely not unaffected, as much as she didn't let it show. His face in the airport was etched into her mind, and she couldn't believe the stone-faced individual sat across from her was the same person she had left in the airport.
I heard a rumour you've been spending some time,
With that blonde girl that you work with and I know she's exactly your type,
And my miserable mind's running wild with the picture.
Or are you there by yourself, dialling, redialling my number?
And I'm calling your mother, spilling tears on my jumper again,
The way I am.
She cleared her throat and stood up from her chair, "I'll take you to get some scrubs then. I'll catch you guys later," her two friends simply nodded in acknowledgment before she walked away, expecting Derek to just follow her.
She could hear his footsteps behind her as she led him through the hallways, and she kept her chin up as they approached the unusually empty residents' lounge. She motioned towards where the spare scrubs were kept, "Just grab some. You can get changed through there, and there's a spare cubby for visitors." She didn't look at him as she spoke, instead heading over to her own cubby and busying herself with nothing much at all, thankful to be out of his proximity even if just for a moment.
Once he had closed the door of the changing area behind him, she let out a deep sigh and sat on one of the benches to wait for him to return. A few minutes past before he emerged again, putting his personal things in the spare cubby she had previously pointed out to him. Her pager beeped then, alerting her to a possible issue with one the post-op patients she was monitoring for Dr Miller. She stood up and motioned for Derek to follow her, "Keep up."
He nodded and followed her out of the door. Again, she just assumed he would keep up with her as she sped through the hallways to the patient. She entered the room where the nurse passed her the chart of her now awake patient, "Mr Smith, welcome back," she gave the patient a warm smile as her eyes flickered over the notes in the chart. Everything seemed to look okay, within limits. She moved over to the patient as she checked over his vitals, double checking what she had read in the chart.
"Glad to be back, Dr Grey," the patient gave her a tired smile, and she noticed his eyes flicker over to the door of the room. She followed his gaze to see Dr Shepherd stood there, in his scrubs that were accompanied by the lab coat he'd brought with him from New York, "Who's that? Don't I have enough doctors?" The patient joked, but the fatigue was obvious in his following laughter.
"That's Dr Shepherd, visitor from New York," she reassured her patient, "He's uh, shadowing I guess," she shrugged and gave the patient her full attention, continuing with her assessment. "Do you need anything more for pain, Mr Smith?"
The patient shook his head, "I think I'm on enough for now, but I'll let one of the nurses know if that changes. I'll probably just sleep it off as I usually do," this wasn't the patient's first brain surgery. He had to keep coming back for the resection of his brain tumour, but this time they had managed to get good margins and remove the whole thing.
"Well hopefully this will be your last time," she said with grin, stepping back from the patient who was simply looking at her with confusion for a moment before disbelief spread across his facial features.
"You… you got it all?" her heart welled slightly at the patient's reaction, seeing the tears forming in his eyes.
She nodded in response, unable to keep the grin off her face, "We did, Mr Smith. You're tumour free. Now get some sleep so that you recover properly, don't make all our hard work for nothing now."
The patient nodded, grinning now as well, "I'll definitely be getting some sleep now. Thank you, again. Pass it on to Dr Miller as well, if you see her before I get the chance to speak to her."
"I will," she made a note in the chart before signing her name and tucking the file under her arm, heading towards the door, "Get some rest, I'll check up on you before I leave tonight."
She walked out of the room, Derek having already walked out into the hallway, at what point she wasn't sure. She pulled the door half-way closed as she left and walked over to the nurses' station to put the chart back in its place.
"Can I read the chart?" She heard Derek speak up beside her for the first time since the cafeteria, and she turned to him, holding out the chart, her lips pressed together. As he took it, their fingertips brushed, and the familiar shot of electricity passed through them. After a moment of hesitation, she moved around the nurses' station to sit in one of the chairs to wait for him, watching as he flipped through the pages, studying the notes and the scans encased within the chart.
'Cause this would be one whole lot easier,
God, I know that's selfish but it's true,
If underneath some calm exterior,
You're all fucked up too.
Eventually he spoke up again, "That's… impressive."
Meredith simply nodded in agreement, taking the chart back from him, "Not all of us let Ellis Grey push us into General." She eyed him, still curious as to the reason he had accompanied her mother to Seattle.
Derek chuckled and ran his fingers through his hair, "I'm not… I'm still specialising in neurosurgery, as well. She asked me to join her, that's all, and my father is around here somewhere as well. I thought it would be a nice getaway from New York."
"Seattle isn't exactly a holiday destination, it rains a lot," she raised an eyebrow at him but then shook her head as she stood up from the chair and put the chart back, "Anyway, we should get going. Surgeons are never late."
She started walking again, heading now in the direction of the OR floor. She reached the elevator with Derek just as the doors opened and it emptied, leaving them alone in the elevator. She stood with some distance between them as the elevator moved between floors. The tension in the small space could probably be cut with a knife.
"Meredith, I…" he began, turning to face her, but she cut him off.
"No, we're not talking about it. We aren't friends, we aren't anything. You're a visiting Doctor here, and I'm being a polite host," she was sharp, but her words were effective. He was quiet again and faced the closed doors of the elevator.
Tell me, does your heart stop at the party when my name drops?
Like you're stood at the platform when the trains cross,
Are you hurting, yeah you must be,
Or is it just me?
She let out a sigh of relief as the elevator eventually reached the OR floor and she removed herself from the tense atmosphere, just to be thrust into another when she stood at the sink in the scrub room between her mother and Derek.
As luck would have it, her pager started beeping just as they were about to walk in. She was need urgently on a 911 in the pit. "Sorry, got to go."
She looked to her mother who simply gave an understanding nod, "Make sure you at least make an appearance tonight." She couldn't look at Derek. Grateful to whoever had paged her, she quickly made her way down to the pit. Sometimes life did give you a break.
Tongue-tied, screaming on the inside,
When I say that we broke up and they ask why,
Are you crying in the shower like a freak?
With only cigarettes for company?
Are you crying in the shower like a freak?
Or is it just me?
Is It Just Me? - Emily Burns
A/N: I am planning to update my other stories soon! Thanks for reading :)