A/N: This chapter contains sexually explicit material.
April 29. On Sunday, the gray light of early morning was beginning to make its way through the motel room window as Pacey was busy smothering Joey with long, passionate kisses. She sighed as his soft and warm lips made their way down her neck, across her shoulder. She ran her fingers through his hair while her other hand gently stroked the skin of his back. He hummed in pleasure against her skin, loving the feel of her. When her thighs wrapped around his waist and his hands went to her breasts, his muscles clenched as blood rushed to his groin.
"I'm sorry about last night," she said quietly.
He lifted his head to look at her. "Sorry for what?"
"For putting you in a compromised position. I knew how you felt about the condom thing, and instead I made it all about me. So, I'm sorry."
"No need to be sorry for seducing your all-too-willing boyfriend." Then he remembered what had seemingly brought on her almost desperate need for intimacy. "But I'd like to know what was going on inside your head. You seemed… scared or worried… or something."
A lump of emotion tightened her throat. "Are you sure this is what you want, Pacey?"
His face contorted with confusion and he brushed her cheek with his knuckles. "What?"
"Moving to Boston just to be with me, and… me being at Worthington… with your money…"
"Of course, this is what I want. I don't know how many times I have to tell you."
She licked her lips, hesitating to reply. The fear coming to the fore once again. "You know, the reply deadline for MCLA is May first. You have time to change your mind."
He shook his head and sighed. "Why do you keep pushing me at MCLA when I've already made my decision? Don't you want me in Boston with you?"
"Pacey, you know I want you in Boston with me, but… for you to turn your back on the opportunity just for me…" Tears pricked her eyes. She knew she should force the issue, but how could she ever let him go? She'd already lost so much, she couldn't bear to lose this, to lose him. Almost everyone she ever loved had left her, in one way or another. How could she survive it if Pacey did? But how could she live with the burden of knowing she was the one who prevented him from living his life to the fullest?
"There's so much more you can do with your life," she whispered. "There's so much more than this."
He blinked, her words calling back his conversation with James Moore yesterday afternoon and his offer. He pushed the memory away. "A life with you is the life I want, Jo. And I want it more than anything. When are you going to believe that? As long as I've got you, I'll be happy no matter where I am, no matter what I'm doing. I want to be in Boston. I know I'll be happy here. I know it. And I know being in Boston and going to Worthington will make you happy, and I need you to be happy, Joey. I need to be the one to make you happy… because… because I love you. It's as simple as that."
His confident reassurance filled her heart with love and happiness, the guilt and lingering sadness abating for the time being. "I know how you can make me happy right now," she purred suggestively, and kissed him. He chuckled against her lips.
Reaching for him, she slowly stroked him back to full erection as his sweet mouth plundered hers. His hands found their way back to her breasts and all was right with the world.
"We're gonna be late, you know," he said, and then dipped his tongue in the hollow of her collarbone, causing her to shudder.
"I don't care," she breathed. "There are more important things than Worthington."
He snorted. "Since when? And I thought you wanted to attend those student panels this morning." His lips caressed across her skin from the nape of her neck to behind her earlobe, his tongue probing the soft flesh behind it.
She moaned. "I want this more, at the moment. So, what if we're a little late?"
Her breasts were pressed into his chest, her nipples hardening against him, and all Joey could think of was more. More of this. More pleasure. More time. More of Pacey, and only of him. More of his lips, his hands, his throat, his chest, his shoulders, his arms, his legs, his soft skin, his hard body. More, more, more. A ball of hot, desirous need was tightening in the pit of her stomach.
"But I still don't have a condom, Jo. Maybe we should stick to foreplay this time. We really shouldn't press our luck."
"I think we've gone past the point of no return, Pace. I mean, why go back to using them now?"
He lifted his head and stared down at her in surprise. "But…"
"If you're agreeable…" She chewed on her lip, hoping he would be. Last night had been incredible, and she wanted it to be like that every time. She craved it. "I know it's not just about what I want."
"Well…" He knew what would be the safest and most responsible thing to do, but he also knew just how amazing last night had been. His cock throbbed with the memory of just how good her pussy had felt around him. His conviction was swiftly wavering by the second, if not downright extinguishing.
She held his face in her hands and gazed at him tenderly. "I know you worry, Pacey. Think of it this way: The Pill is to prevent pregnancy—and I've been on it for practically six months now—and condoms are to protect our health. Are you having sex with anyone else?"
"Of course not. You know I'm not. God, the very idea sickens me."
"Am I having sex with anyone else?"
He knew the answer, but after what had happened with Andie, he also knew life had no guarantees. A sad smile played around his mouth. "I hope not."
Unamused, her face hardened as she pursed her lips, her brows arching.
He chuckled. "I know you're not."
"Am I so insatiable that I need more than one man? I have you, don't I?" she grinned, reaching for the thick hardness between his legs, wrapping her hand around it, causing him to groan.
"Well, you are quite insatiable, Josephine. This has already been established."
She shook her head. "You're the only cock I need in this hen house."
Laughing, he pressed his lips to hers and kissed her softly, slowly, passionately. He kissed her until she was squirming beneath him and arching her hips against his. He settled between her thighs, heated flesh seeking heated flesh. Gripping the thick base, he stroked her folds with the broad tip of his cock, spreading her wetness, rubbing her clit. He groaned her name as he caressed her.
She whimpered his name in return. "Please…" she begged, aching for him.
He slowly entered her body. She tightened her inner muscles around him. Pacey groaned his pleasure as she milked him, and any lingering resistance to swearing off condoms crumbled. The sensation was incredible. Wet, soft, so very tight, as he pushed his cock home inch after delicious inch. Joey groaned, throwing her head back against the pillow. When he was at last all the way inside, he pulled out as she squeezed around him. Heaven. He'd died and gone to heaven. Then he gently pushed in again, and the pleasure intensified.
Suddenly, he gently took her hands in his, entwining their fingers on the pillow above them, and gave her a passionate kiss. Then he began thrusting, keeping it slow, letting the pleasure build. And build. And build. He shuddered at the way she felt. Utterly perfect. She soon became so creamy and wet and swollen that he thought he was going to lose his mind. She cried out his name, shivering from his intimate caresses.
"Does my cock feel good?" She was so incredibly tight… so unbelievably wet.
She whimpered her enjoyment as she moved against him, her eyes rolling.
"Tell me, Joey… tell me how it feels," he whispered as he pressed his forehead to hers.
She was on fire. His deep strokes became harder, giving her what he knew she needed. She sobbed out her sweet agony as the pressure built inside her.
"You like it? Baby, tell me," he breathed. Silken walls clamped down on him, and control started to skid right out of his grip.
She more than liked it. "I love it," she moaned, finally able to marshal her thoughts to put words to the intense sensations. She dropped her gaze to where they were joined, watching as he drove in and out of her. The visual was almost too much to take. It alone could send her right over the edge. "It feels so perfect, Pacey. You feel so perfect."
She loved the feel of him, the weight of him; it made her feel safe, protected. She loved his warm body pressing against her warm body, the feel of his big hands, so tender and gentle, caressing her, the feel of that large and rigid part of him stroking deep inside her, telling her more clearly than any words could of the pleasure he found in her body. She loved his words, though. She loved the sweet murmurs of affection. She loved the husky whispers of approval and carnal promises he breathed against her skin. She loved the telltale quiver of his muscles that told her he was nearing his own climax, his pleasure that had her aching for all of him, that drove her towards her own mind-blowing release, the burning sensations that flowed through her like hot honey and pooled deep in her thighs. She loved the smell of his skin, the taste of him, the sounds he made, the look in his eyes that made her feel cherished and beautiful.
She loved the feel of him losing control, thrusting harder. She loved the power it made her feel, knowing she could do that to him. She loved when he suddenly stopped, buried deep and throbbing, and then that long groan escaped his throat. She loved the moans of ecstasy that sounded like her name. She loved the feel of his hot release pulsing inside her. She loved the post-amazing-sex euphoria that enveloped them as he wrapped his arms around her, holding her tight.
She loved him.
She loved him so passionately she refused to ever let him go.
May 15. On a rainy Tuesday afternoon, Pacey shrugged on his jacket and then closed his locker for the last time that day, before slinging his backpack over his shoulder. He turned to see Joey coming toward him. He lit up at the sight of her, but then his brows slowly creased with concern. There was a pout on her beautiful face, the pout that had been constantly planted there for the past several days.
"Are you all right, sweetheart?" he said as she reached him. "You look miserable, even worse than when we were at lunch."
"I feel miserable," she muttered. She felt so tired and everything was irritating her to the point of anger. Sometimes even Pacey, who was amused by her flares of temper. "I just wanna go home."
"At least Bessie and Bodie are away on the Vineyard, right? There are no B&B guests, and you don't have to work at the restaurant. I'll even leave you alone, if you want. You can have a relaxing night all to yourself."
Shaking her head, she slipped her arms around his waist and kissed him on the cheek. "No, I don't want you to leave me alone."
All of a sudden, a voice interrupted their bubble of intimacy. "Witter." They turned to see Drue Valentine standing there, giving a polite nod of his head. "Um, Joey, can you tell me the assignment for AP English that's due tomorrow? I… I wasn't paying attention and I didn't write it down."
They stared at him a moment. "Uh… yeah, of course," Joey told him. After she pulled out her notebook and answered his question, he thanked her, sounding genuine, bid a friendly goodbye to both of them, and walked away.
Pacey's brow furrowed. "Well, that was weird."
"Yeah," she agreed. "He's become far too nice and normal lately."
"You'd think he'd hate my guts. Jen says he's not the forgiving type and she'd expect him to be out for revenge instead of… whatever this is. It's like his personality has done a complete one-eighty since being suspended for two months. Well, almost. He's still selling E in the parking lot."
"Maybe something's happened that's made him rethink how he treats people. Do you think something's wrong with him?"
"What, like a brain tumor?"
She laughed and then groaned at the familiar sick feeling growing in the pit of her stomach. "Let's get out of here."
When they got to the B&B, Pacey surprised her by running her a bath. Once she was inside the bubbly heaven, he said he was going to make breakfast for supper—her favorite—and they could eat on the couch in front of the TV and he'd watch both Buffy and Angel with her tonight without a single complaint.
She sighed. "I think I love you, Pacey Witter."
"You think?"
"I know. I'd bet my life on it."
He dropped a kiss on her forehead. "Well, don't go that far, but that's a little more like it, Potter. I'll let you know when it's time to eat."
Feeling warm and loved, she leaned back into the supple curve of the tub. Unfortunately, the relaxation she usually derived from a hot bubble bath was ruined because of the cramps she'd been experiencing since earlier that afternoon. She glanced over at the floor where she'd discarded her clothes. The underwear she'd worn today were on the floor and there was a small bright red stain in them.
She had her period, as expected and right on time. Their recent venture into using the Pill as their sole method of birth control hadn't brought about any results beyond incredible memories. Joey got out of the tub while the water was still hot, broke open a new box of tampons, and got dressed in comfortable slobwear.
"You didn't have to—" Pacey said when he saw her come into the kitchen. He'd expected her to have stayed in the bathtub longer.
She went right to him and put herself in his arms. "I got my period," she told him, staring up into his face.
"You did?" His voice was mostly breath as he filled with a sense of relief. He supposed this explained her moods over the past several days. Until she'd said it, he hadn't realized just how much he'd been hoping to hear it. Maybe he didn't ruin everything he touched, after all.
"You sound very relieved. Were you worried?"
He took a deep breath. "Well… I think it might've been in the back of my mind." Dropping his arms from around her, he turned back to the stove and flipped the bacon over.
"Birth control pills do work, you know?"
"I know."
"Anyway, that smells delicious," she said appreciatively.
"You know, I, uh… I suppose we should talk about it…"
She stared at the back of his head. "The bacon?"
"No," he chuckled. "I meant… what we would do if you ever got pregnant. Of course, that might depend on the when. There's probably a world of difference between getting pregnant five weeks from now and five years from now."
What if she became pregnant? What would she do? Tears suddenly pricked her eyes. "What would you want to do?"
He turned back around to look at her. "Whatever you wanted, Jo."
"That's not fair, Pacey. You can't say that about everything. What you want is important, too."
"It'd ultimately be your choice, regardless of what I wanted, and I'd support whatever choice you made."
The idea of having to make that kind of choice scared her, and she was more thankful than ever that she'd done the mature, responsible thing and went to Planned Parenthood back in the fall. She felt prepared for sex, protected. Yet she knew no method of birth control was one hundred percent guaranteed. If she did end up pregnant, every option that lay in front of her seemed unbearable.
"No matter what choice I'd make, it'd be terrible."
"Sometimes in life there are no good choices, Jo… only less painful ones."
But which would be the least painful? She didn't know. The thought of foregoing Worthington and ending up stuck in Capeside with a baby right out of high school, of repeating the same cycle as her mother and sister… was intolerable. It was the very thing she'd worked so hard to avoid. Yet the thought of aborting Pacey's child was too devastating to contemplate.
Seeing the look on her face, he gathered her into his arms and kissed her. Her arms came around him, pulling him into a tight hug. He placed his mouth at her ear. "It's obviously something you don't have decide today," he whispered. "It's just something to think about, that's all. And no matter what choice you'd make, no matter how painful, I'll be right there next to you."
"What if I decided to keep it?" she murmured quietly.
"Then I suppose I'd have to prepare myself to be a dad. I guess the idea of having a baby doesn't scare me that much. I mean, I wanna have kids with you. Someday."
Her throat tightened with emotion. "You do?"
He chuckled and kissed her ear. "You know I do. After we're married."
"Married?" she replied dumbly.
"Someday. When you're ready. I know we're talkin' years down the road, Jo." He rested his forehead against hers as he filled with that warm, passionate feeling of being in love. "But honestly, I'd marry you tomorrow if you wanted me to."
Fresh tears burned her eyes, and she lowered her gaze, unable to meet his. "What if I decided to get an abortion?" she whispered, even though she already knew the answer. She knew he'd be heartbroken. So would she.
He immediately stiffened in her arms, but it was only a brief moment. He'd always considered himself pro-choice, but he'd always thought of abortion in the abstract sense and not as something that would ever affect him personally. Now he wasn't so sure if it was his child in question. Still, it would be Joey's choice, and his feelings for her would never change, no matter what she decided.
He relaxed and breathed a deep sigh. "I'd completely understand your reasons, and I'd be right there with you, holding your hand."
"You really are the perfect boyfriend," she said, her voice breaking as she became overcome with emotion, the tears starting to roll down her face.
Laughing, he only hugged her tighter. Then he pulled back and cradled her face in his hand, his thumb brushing the tears from her cheek. "Oh, Joey," he breathed. "This isn't a decision you need to make right now. We're only talking hypothetical here." Then he kissed her softly.
She felt his deep love for her in his kiss and the gentle way he held her. She reciprocated, and he kissed her longer, tenderly, sweetly.
She pulled out of his embrace and looked at the stove as she wiped her tears away. "Don't burn the bacon," she said, her voice still choked with emotion.
He laughed again. "I won't. Why don't you go rest in the living room? I'll let you know when supper's ready."
They spent the evening on the couch, enjoying just being alone together. Once they'd eaten and finished their homework, they cuddled up and watched TV, kissing randomly, limbs draped across each other like puppies in a basket. Later that night, Joey slept comfortably as they lay curled up together in her bed, Pacey behind her, holding her close. He lay awake, although barely, listening to the melodious sound of the rainfall outside. He hugged her a little tighter, and swore he could hear her exhale, almost positive she was now smiling in her sleep. Life was very good in this moment. Life was perfect.
A little too good. Too perfect.
The other shoe was bound to drop, he mused in his mind, feeling the gloom seep into his contentment. He knew this perfection couldn't last forever, no matter how much he wanted it to, no matter how much he tried to make it last. Something was bound to go wrong. It always did. Graduation was only a month away. If he could just keep his head down and make sure he did everything perfectly right from now until then, he thought they had a good chance at making it out of Capeside unscathed, with their relationship intact and their Boston plans fully cemented.
Although his mind turned, his tired body eventually let itself fall into a deep sleep. Fifteen minutes later, it stopped raining.
May 19. It was mid-morning, while Joey sat at the kitchen table with Gretchen, sipping from a cup of hot coffee, when Pacey came bounding down the stairs. A look of surprise came over his face at the sight of her. "Hey," he greeted. "I'd hoped to see you at your house earlier, but you were still sleeping."
"Not all of us have to be up at six o'clock on a Saturday."
Chuckling, he lowered his lips to hers.
She smiled as he pulled away from the soft kiss. "I came over here because I have some news."
"What kind of news?" he asked as he moved further into the kitchen.
"Well, three things. First, we booked some rooms for the night, so you'll be expected for breakfast tomorrow morning."
"Okay." He opened a cabinet and took out a coffee mug.
"Second…" She eyed Gretchen. "You tell him."
His sister smiled. "Gail Leery is in the hospital having her baby, Pace."
"She went into labor last night," Joey added. "Finally. She's two weeks past her due date."
"Wow."
"Yeah." She swallowed and set her cup down. "And guess who called up the B&B last night and booked a room for Memorial Day Weekend?"
His brows furrowed as he added sugar to his coffee. "Who?"
"James Moore."
Mouth falling open, he turned and gaped at her. "Seriously?"
"Seriously. You should've seen the look on Bodie's face. You'd think a celebrity had made a reservation."
"I suppose he is a Boston celebrity," mused Gretchen. "Well, in the restaurant world, anyway, and Bodie would know all about that."
Still somewhat surprised, Pacey could only shrug. "Huh. Well, I guess I'll have to bring my A game to Bessie's kitchen." Christ, Mr. Moore in Capeside? Staying on the creek with the Potters? Instead of booking some luxury hotel or renting his own million-dollar beachside mansion like all the other rich tourists?
"I'm sure that's why he's staying with us, Pace."
"What?"
"To sample the goods." She frowned, becoming more convinced that the man would eventually tempt Pacey with a life that would take him far away from her.
He laughed breathlessly. "Fingers crossed I don't give him food poisoning."
Joey gave him an appraising look, noticing that he was dressed in jeans and a nice button-down shirt. "You have plans today? Buzz?"
He nodded and joined her at the table. "Yeah, with Buzz. I'm picking him up soon. He's got karate class, then we're going to lunch, and then we're going to spend the day in P-Town. We might get supper while we're there, so don't expect me back too early. He learned all about Cape Cod's history with the Pilgrims in school this year and the kid has never been up there. So, I told him I'd take him. He's excited."
She smiled. Oh, he was so kind. So kind and good. "That was nice of you."
"Well, there's only so much time I have left with the kid, you know?" He took a drink of his coffee. "What time do you get out of work? The usual?"
"Yeah, six."
It wasn't long before Pacey was kissing her goodbye and then he was out the door. Gretchen carried her empty coffee cup and breakfast plate to the kitchen sink. "I have to run a few errands this morning, including picking up a gift for Gail to take to the hospital later. If you're not doing anything right now, you wanna come with?"
A smile tugged at the corner of her mouth. The two of them didn't really hang out that often. "Sure. I don't have to be at the restaurant until eleven."
Their first stop was at the drug store. Joey meandered around while Gretchen picked up whatever she needed. Her eyes roamed over endless aisles of vitamins and creams and tampons. Then she found herself in what she'd once termed the "Scary Aisle" in her more naïve years, and came face to face with pregnancy tests—dozens of them, on a rack rising from her ankles to her shoulders. She stared at all the boxes, scanning the different name brands.
What if she became pregnant? What would she do?
"Oh, my God. Joey."
She turned sharply to see Gretchen standing there, looking shocked and worried. She laughed nervously. "Oh, no. No, no, no. This isn't… I mean, I'm not…" She took a deep breath. "I'm not pregnant. Don't worry."
"Oh. Well, all right." Gretchen paused a moment, eyeing her as if she was trying to decide if what she'd told her was true. "So then what are ya doing looking at the pregnancy tests?"
"I guess… I'm trying to imagine a scenario where I did actually have to come in here and buy one of these. Trying to come to any sort of conclusion about what my decision would be if the test was positive. I've been thinking about it a lot this week and I still don't know what I'd do."
Nodding her understanding, Gretchen stepped closer and looked at the boxes of tests. "What made you think about it?"
A blush colored her cheeks. "Well, Pacey brought it up in conversation. He wanted to talk about what we'd do if I ever became pregnant because, you know, between the two of us, he's actually the adult in the relationship. Whereas I'd rather just give myself an ulcer trying to control every aspect of my life and I'll simply pray that nothing terrible happens to me so that I don't ever have to make any difficult choices."
Laughing, Gretchen nodded her head. "Yeah…"
"I am ill-prepared to make such a choice. I don't feel grown up enough to handle it. It's not something I want to have to deal with—at least not until I'm much older. And yet, even as I say that, I know I'm not going to change anything about the behavior that could possibly lead to such consequences. Does that mean there's something wrong with me?"
Gretchen shook her head. "I'd say you're a perfectly normal girl. You're in love, and you have sex. I mean, even if you take every precaution, it changes your world completely."
"I am taking precautions, of course. I'm on birth control and I've never missed a pill. Not once. I'm a control freak about it, actually, like I am with pretty much everything else. But knowing that nothing is one hundred percent effective, no matter what precautions you take, and knowing that every option—having a baby and either keeping it or giving it up, or having an abortion—is horrifying, I'm still going to keep having sex."
"And there's nothing wrong with that. Sex is great and a normal, healthy part of life. So, welcome to adulthood, Joey Potter."
"Well, no matter what may happen in the future, I'm not going to end like my mother, like my sister. My life will be different."
"But just like them, your life will be full of difficult choices. But thankfully you won't ever have to be alone in making them. I mean, being pregnant, whether you choose to stay that way or not, is ultimately about family. And trust me, it's better to have a support system around you."
She eyed her a moment. "You sound like you're familiar with this kind of situation."
Gretchen turned from the display of pregnancy tests and they started walking up the aisle. "Last year, in college… I miscarried."
"I'm sorry," Joey said, surprised and saddened.
"That's why I came back here. To deal with everything. I needed my support system, which just so happens to be my little brother. Unlike a lot of guys out there, he'd stand by you, Joey, no matter what. There's no need for you to ever worry on that front."
She gave her a half-smile. "I know. Could you imagine Pacey with a baby?" she said with a breathy laugh.
Gretchen chuckled. "You know, it's funny, 'cause I think Pacey would probably like the idea of a baby. I mean, he's great with kids, attentive to women. He'd be really good at being a dad, I think."
Joey smiled to herself, a pleasant warmth flowing through her body. "He would."
Upon leaving the drug store, they shortly arrived at the Capeside Sheriff's Station that was close to downtown. The last time she'd been here was junior year after they all got busted at Matt Caufield's Anti-Valentine's Day party and had been kept in the holding facility. Not a great experience. She had been practically jumping out of her skin to get out of there, which had only made her angrier over the whole situation. She recalled getting into nasty fights with both Pacey and Dawson. Thank God Mitch Leery had shown up before she had to be there for too long.
That wasn't the first time she'd been here, though.
Gretchen parked in the adjacent lot. "I have to drop off some stuff for Doug. It's his birthday today. I twisted Pacey's arm into baking his favorite brownies last night—mint chocolate. You wanna come in with me?"
A ball of ice formed in the pit of her stomach. She set her jaw, her face hardening. "I'm not going in there."
She scoffed as if surprised by the reaction. "Doug would love to see you, Jo. Why don't you come in? It'll only be a couple minutes."
"I am never setting foot in another police station for as long as I live. And you can add courtrooms to the list, while you're at it."
Realization dawned on Gretchen's face. She sighed heavily. "I'm sorry, Joey. I wasn't thinking."
"It's okay. I'll just wait out here for you. Tell Doug I wish him a happy birthday."
"I will."
True to her word, Gretchen was only gone for a few minutes. After stopping at Enchanted Florist, where Pacey's sister chatted with her friend from high school, Ryan, and bought a bouquet of flowers and a teddy bear for Gail and the baby, they were heading back to the beach house. They arrived with just enough time for Joey to hop in her truck and make it to Leery's Fresh Fish before the start of her shift.
"I'm gonna head up to the hospital now, but I'll see you at the restaurant this afternoon. I'm bartending tonight," Gretchen told her as she said goodbye.
Later when Joey got out of work, she swung by the house, picked up Bessie, and then they drove to the hospital in Hyannis. They inquired after Gail at the desk in the lobby and were given her room number. When they reached the maternity ward, they found Dawson sitting with Jen and Mrs. Ryan outside his mother's room.
"How is she?" Joey asked, taking in the worry lines etched across his face.
"Uh…" Dawson took a deep breath. "She's been in there all night and all day, and I'm… starting to get the impression things aren't progressing the way they should."
"It can be a long process, Dawson," Bessie said. "I'm sure your mom will be fine."
"Yeah."
Suddenly a couple nurses appeared, making for the hospital room door. Dawson stood up and tried to get one's attention. "Hey, um, is—" But the nurse didn't stop. "Excuse me." Then she was behind the closed door.
Dawson heaved a sigh and turned around. "I need to take a walk."
Frowning at his departing back, Joey turned to Jen with an anxious look on her face. Then her friend tilted her head in his direction. "You should go after him. He's a worried mess. Nothing I've said has helped in the slightest."
"Okay." Joey went down the hallway, following after him. "Dawson," she said as she reached his side.
He turned to see her and scoffed. "A few months ago, I was wandering these halls praying for someone to die, and now here I am, same halls, praying for somebody to be born. Is it just me, or did life suddenly broaden this year?"
"It's not just you. I… think the stakes have been raised for everyone."
"Pacey didn't come with you to the hospital?"
"It's Saturday," she shrugged. "He had plans with Buzz. I'll see him later."
"Have you and Pacey talked about him being near Worthington next year?"
"Yeah. He already has a job waiting for him in the city. I won't get my dorm assignment until the first week in August, so we'll be hanging around Capeside until then. And well… then I guess we'll scour the apartment listings in The Boston Globe looking for any non-crazy person in need of a roommate."
Dawson let out a breathy laugh. "Sounds like you've got it all figured out."
Emotion seized her throat. Dangerously close to tears, she couldn't speak.
He stared at her and stopped walking. "Joey? What is it?"
The burden on her heart suddenly seemed too heavy to bear. It's not like it was a secret, she reasoned to herself. Pacey had never said not to tell anyone. "I, um, I didn't get enough financial aid for Worthington. I'm still gonna owe fifteen thousand a year."
"Wow. Are you gonna take out student loans?"
"Not if I can help it. You know what debt did to my parents, and why my dad is where he is. The restaurant, business loans, credit cards, my mom's medical debt—it's a hole Bessie and Bodie are still trying to climb out of. The B&B only just now started turning a real profit. I refuse to end up like that."
Dawson shook his head in confusion. "So, what are you saying? How—"
She cleared her throat. "You, uh, you know the money that Pacey's saved up? He's giving it to me for Worthington."
"All of it?" he replied in shock.
"All of it." Her chin quivered and tears filled her eyes. "And… and I feel so guilty, Dawson."
"I don't know what to say." He gazed at her, lips parting. "Is… Pacey making you feel guilty about it?"
"No. That's the thing. It was completely his idea. He's totally fine with it. It's like he's unfazed, not even bothered at all that the money he's scrimped and saved since he was fourteen will now be handed off to Worthington so I can go there."
"But you're bothered by it."
She choked on emotion. "Why should I get everything and he gets nothing? It's not fair."
A sad look came over his eyes and a frown tugged at his mouth. "I wouldn't say he gets nothing. He gets to be the hero. He gets you."
"I'm not a prize, Dawson."
He averted his gaze away from her. "Look, if I was in his place…" He let out a grim, bitter-sounding laugh. "If that were me, and I had the means to help you get to Worthington—which I do—then I would've given you the money, too."
Then he smiled, and she knew he meant what he said. He would've given her the money. She wondered if she'd feel differently about it, not as burdened with guilt, if it was Dawson forking over his money instead of Pacey. If the money had come from her childhood best friend and not the man she loved, the man she slept with.
"Even if that would mean you couldn't go to USC?" she challenged.
His face fell, and he pursed his lips. "Uh, well… hmm."
She arched her brows. "See? You have dreams and goals and things you want for yourself that you wouldn't just give up and walk away from. By walking away from culinary school, all Pacey has is me." Fresh tears stung her eyes. "I know that's not enough because if all he has is me, and then I let him down in some way…"
"How could you possibly let him down, Joey?"
"I don't know. I'm human, Dawson. I'm not perfect. None of us are. We've all let each other down a hundred times by now."
"True enough," he sighed.
"When I'm with Pacey, he's very convincing that we're doing the right thing. That he's happy with his decisions. But then it just goes around and around inside my mind, and then I'm not sure anymore. I honestly don't know if I can go through with it—taking his money." She brushed the tears from her cheeks, and stifled a sob as she choked on emotion again. "I feel like I'd be taking more than I'm giving, more than I could ever possibly give, and that the relationship won't be equal and I'll become too dependent on him."
"But Joey, you can't give up Worthington."
"I know. I just… I don't want him to regret the choices he's making. I don't want him to end up resenting me. Because then something or someone will come along who can offer him so much more, and… I'll lose him. And I can't lose him, Dawson. I can't."
He stared at her, seemingly at a loss for words. Then she closed her eyes and sighed as she tucked her hair behind her ears. "I'm sorry. I came here to make sure your mom was okay, and I was supposed to be supporting you and trying to help you deal with how you're feeling right now. I didn't mean to make myself the dominant topic."
He laughed. "It's okay, Joey. It was a welcome relief, believe me. It took my mind off obsessing about my own worries."
Before they could say anything more, a doctor appeared. "Someone wants to meet you, Dawson."
His face lit up with a relieved smile. "Really?"
"Mm-hmm," the doctor replied, smiling.
They hurried back to the hospital room, where they stepped inside with Bessie, Jen, and her grandmother. Mrs. Leery was sitting up, holding her new baby girl, with Mitch standing next to the bed, looking happy and proud. After learning they'd named the baby Lillian, Joey turned and smiled at Bessie. Gail then offered the baby to Dawson, who nervously took his little sister.
Joey crossed the room to stand beside him, admiring the baby in his arms. A hundred different thoughts began swirling inside her mind.
Knowing Gail was exhausted, and the family likely wanted to be alone together, Joey and Bessie left soon after. She let her sister drive the truck, and spent the quiet ride back to Capeside lost in thought. After leaving Bessie at home, she took the truck and drove over to the weathered beach house on Bridge Street. The Jeep wasn't in the driveway, nor was Gretchen's Land Rover. It was a warm, pleasant evening, and she decided she'd wait for her boyfriend outside.
Finding the sliding glass door unlocked, she opened it and flipped the light switches, illuminating the living room and the back porch. Then she planted herself on the wicker chaise lounge, watching the boats on Mill Pond, and waited. Joey's thoughts turned back to the hospital, of seeing Gail sitting there with the baby, her husband beside her, and Dawson holding his infant sister in his arms.
What if she became pregnant? What would she do?
She pictured lying in bed with Pacey and telling him she was pregnant, his sleepy face becoming blissful with a smile of excited, happy anticipation. She pictured the pure joy on his face. She imagined herself with a round, swollen belly. She pictured him awed as he felt their baby practicing kickboxing maneuvers inside her, sitting nervously by her side at the hospital and holding her hand as they waited for another round of contractions to attack. She pictured him falling asleep with their baby girl on his chest in front of a hockey match, throwing a football to a skinny little girl in shorts and a tie-dyed shirt, with brown curls and blue eyes just like his. She pictured him brushing her hair, singing her songs, tucking her into bed at night, reading her stories.
She heard a car door shut and turned her head towards the driveway—and couldn't hold back a smile. Pacey.
When he pulled into his drive, his heart skipped a beat at the sight of Joey's truck. It had been a fun yet tiring day with Buzz, but knowing his girlfriend was there waiting for him gave him a sudden burst of energy. He quickly walked around the side of the house and could see the porch lights were on. He walked up the steps and smiled as his eyes met hers.
Pacey went to her and joined her on the chaise lounge. She embraced him, and they held each other with a fierceness that revealed how much they'd missed one another. "Gail had her baby," she said by way of greeting. "A girl. They named her Lillian."
"Hey. That was supposed to be our daughter's name," he said, sounding affronted.
She snorted, rolling her eyes, but she chewed on her lip to stop herself from smiling too hard. If only he knew what she'd been daydreaming about just moments before.
"So, Dawson has a baby sister. Wild."
"Yeah…" She smiled at him, her eyes sparkling. "How was your day, sweetheart?"
"Long, but it was fun. The kid had a blast. I'm gonna miss him."
She was looking at him with such tenderness, such affection, he was overcome. When he brushed his lips against hers, she entwined her arms around his neck. The kiss slowly became more passionate, more seductive. Breaking the kiss, she slid her mouth along his jaw, causing him to shudder, and then whispered very softly into his ear, "I made my decision."
Amused, he snorted and pulled back to look at her, his brows furrowing. "Decision about what?"
"About what I would do if I got pregnant."
Nodding his head, he swallowed. Feeling anxious, his stomach fluttered. "Okay…"
She reached up and brushed his cheek with the backs of her fingers. "I'd keep it."
He filled with elation. A smile slowly spread across his face, lighting up his eyes. "Really?"
"Yes, really… even if it meant giving up Worthington."
"But you wouldn't have to, Jo." He was determined not to ruin anything for her, not to hold her back, even if the other shoe dropped and the universe cursed him once again, which it undoubtedly would. It was only a matter of time.
She looked at him like he was crazy. "Maybe you skipped over this part in your admission brochure, Potter, but I read that thing cover to cover. This fancy college you're going to has a child care center on campus."
Her mouth fell open. "It does?"
He laughed. "Yes, it does. And for older kids, you know toddlers, it's tied with their Graduate School of Education so Worthington students can use the child care center as a model classroom as part of their Early Childhood Education program. It's all in the brochure."
"So… if I got pregnant, then…" A smile began to tug at the corners of her mouth.
"Then it'd be you and me and baby in Boston. Nothing would have to change. I won't let you lose out on your dreams, Jo. No matter what."
Maybe their relationship could be equal, despite Worthington and the money. When the time was right, she could give him something just as valuable, if not more so. She could give him the family he'd always wanted.
Overcome with emotion, swallowing back the tears, she kissed him with all the love she felt. They hadn't been together since Monday night, before her period had arrived, and her desire to be close to him was growing stronger by the second. "Make love to me," she then murmured against his lips. "Make love to me."
Pacey moved off the chaise lounge and pulled Joey to a standing position. Then he lifted her into his arms, her long legs going around his hips. Her arms around his shoulders, he carried her upstairs to his bedroom, not another word spoken between them. He laid her on the bed. Silently, with such tenderness, he undressed her and then himself.
He stretched over her and kissed her—every inch of her from head to toe. He lingered in different areas, cherishing her belly button and the spot behind her knee and the sensitive area at her tailbone. Every part of her skin, he lavished with attention, adoring her, and each caress felt so wonderfully familiar, as if they'd been doing this for years instead of a few months. His touch inflamed her, his mouth brought her to the brink of rapture.
When at last he settled himself between her thighs, he entered her with slow precision. Skin-to-skin, it was with sweet, languid strokes that he took her to orgasm, not once, not twice, but three times.
Pacey lowered himself and kept his face close to hers the last time. Their eyes met and maintained the contact as Joey rode her last wave of euphoria. Then he joined her, moaning as his climax spiraled into hers, their gaze still fixed on one another. And even when their eyes glazed over with fireworks, all they could see was each other and their love. So much love.