A/N: Okay, so I fully intended on "the Anti-Promicide" to be one chapter, but yet again it took the characters longer to get them where I needed them to be and it just became too much, so it had to be split into two parts. The next part should be posted soon!
May 30. Whispers of all the drama that had occurred at the junior prom last Saturday were still making their way through Capeside High even as excited chatter for the impending senior prom filled the halls. Whom had asked whom to go to the prom had become quite the buzz among the students. While some proudly announced that it was a waste of money and there was no real purpose in going, most of the senior class were on board. Posters featuring the Prom Committee's chosen theme, "Hanging by a Moment," were now plastered all over the school.
After the final bell rang at two-thirty, bringing an end to Wednesday's classes, Pacey got what he needed from his locker and then made his way to Mr. Kapinos' office. He took his usual seat on the couch set against the wall. The counselor appeared as pleased as ever to see him, but he only wanted to get this over with as quickly as possible. The session, like all the others, started out with some brief small talk before getting down to it.
"It's almost hard to believe just how much time has passed," Mr. Kapinos remarked after they'd been talking for about thirty minutes. "Next Wednesday will be our last meeting together."
"Time flies when you're having fun," he deadpanned.
The man gazed at him appraisingly for a moment. "Is there anything in particular on your mind, Pacey?"
There were a hundred things on his mind. "No."
"Hmm. Your finals are next week, and then graduation. How do you feel about that?"
"Um, I'm a little nervous about finals, but not too bad. I feel like I know the material. I don't think I'm gonna bomb any this time around. Knowing that I'm not gonna flunk out is a good feeling."
"Well, it's good to have that confidence in your ability to do well on your exams. I know you told me about the job in Boston, but what else do you see for yourself following graduation? How do you see your life turning out?"
A lump of emotion seized his throat. "I, uh, I don't know what the future holds. This year has been spent working on getting my grades up so that I can graduate, and I did it. But I hadn't really planned on the pressure of actually graduating and then having to make the kinds of decisions that could either make or break me. One bad choice could ruin everything. How do I know if I'm making the right choice?"
"We don't always know if we are making the right one," Mr. Kapinos told him. "Sometimes life is just a roll of the dice. Instead of trying to figure out what would be the right choices, maybe it would be easier to feel secure in your choices if you changed your perspective a little and instead figured out which would be the wrong ones. And then once you come to a decision, you stick with it. You give it your all."
"Yeah," he sighed. The room was quiet a moment. "My whole life, anytime I allowed myself to just enjoy being happy, anytime I allowed myself to feel hopeful about anything, the result has always been the same."
"And what result is that?"
"My heart breaks."
"Some would say hearts were made to be broken. To have a broken heart is to be human. The thing about a broken heart is that it usually heals. And look at you. You've dealt with some painful disappointments in your young life, and here you sit. You're a steady young man about to earn his high school diploma, you've been able to maintain a stable relationship for nearly a year now, and the world is clearly opening doors of opportunity for you."
"But what if I don't decide to walk through them? Or what if I do? I'd be taking a risk either way, right? And maybe some things are just too valuable to risk."
"Like your relationship with Joey?"
His throat tightened and he swallowed. Sighing, he averted his eyes from the counselor's clear and penetrating one.
"You know, Pacey, over these past few months, I've learned a lot about your life, your relationships with your parents, your older siblings. Tell me, how do you think you have managed to do as well as you have done?"
A kaleidoscope of memories flashed in front of his eyes, the majority of them including Joey and Andie and even Dawson. "I suppose that, despite what I had to deal with at home, there was always someone who had my back. I managed to surround myself with good people who cared about me."
"Yes, it's obvious you've had some good influences to combat the negative ones. But what is it about you that has helped you succeed so far?"
"Uh, well…" He shrugged.
"Would you like to know what I've observed?" Mr. Kapinos said, entwining his fingers in his lap. "Although you can be prone to feelings of self-doubt and low self-worth, you have remarkable confidence for someone your age. You present yourself as a realist, and maybe a bit of a pessimist—someone who expects the sky to fall on his head any minute—but… I'd say deep down you're a romantic with a romantic's beliefs."
Pacey nodded, laughing through his nose.
"You're a trusting, hopeful person, despite all that you've been through. You believe in love. You have tremendous strength of character, moral fiber. You're a strong, resilient person. And I believe, without a doubt, that no matter what life throws your way, no matter what decisions you're faced with, no matter how many times you might fall, you'll get right back up and everything will turn out all right for you."
"I'm glad one of us believes that," he snarked.
Mr. Kapinos gave him a knowing smile. "I also know, without a doubt, that you will come to believe that too, and the only way to prove it to yourself is to just go out there and live your life. You'll have ups and downs, like we all do, but I'm positive the world holds great things for you."
As he drove home, Pacey gave serious thought to the decisions he was having to make recently. A part of him wanted to choose differently, to take all that Mr. Moore was offering him, but he knew if he did, somehow what he and Joey had would change, and he couldn't risk losing her. He'd be lost without her. If he went off to culinary school, or took the summer job on the yacht and became a much better cook for it, but lost her, he'd never be able to call that a success. Even if he somehow became the greatest chef in the country, gained wealth and renown, it would all be meaningless without her.
He needed to make peace with his decisions, and let go of the second-guessing, the inner conflict. He had to be firm and content with his choices. He needed to move forward and live his life without regrets. He'd repeatedly told Joey he was sure, and so he was going to be. His decisions had been made, and there was nothing that could change his mind.
When he got home, there was a blinking red light on the answering machine. Setting his keys on the kitchen island, he walked over and pressed the play button. His girlfriend's voice then filled the kitchen.
"Hey, Pace. Hopefully you'll be home from school soon. Can you come over when you get this? We need to borrow your handyman skills."
Once he arrived at the Potter's house, Joey stepped out onto the back porch as he walked towards it and she smiled when she saw him. The sight of her made his heart flutter, she was so damn beautiful. "Hi, sweetheart. What's up?" he said, enjoying the glint of sun in her eyes.
"You're needed for a quick carpentry issue," she told him. "I'm glad I got to see you before work. I have to leave soon."
As he joined her on the porch, she glanced up and into Pacey's warm gaze, and before she could register what was happening, he leaned down and kissed her hello. Not a short peck, either, like what his kisses had been for the past couple days. It was a long, full of love, happy-to-see-you, tongues-included kiss that left her dazed and out of breath, her body pulsing with sudden need.
"What was that for?" she asked when he pulled out of the kiss.
"I've missed you."
"I know. I'm sorry I had to work the past couple nights, and that I have to work again tonight."
"It's okay. It means you get the weekend off for prom, right?"
"Yeah." She gently tugged on his earlobe. "I thought you would've come climbing through my bedroom window last night." They hadn't slept next to each other since Sunday, and they hadn't had sex since Friday. For the past two nights, she'd left her window open, but he hadn't come. Of course, she hadn't gone over to his place either, she reminded herself. Things had been a little tense and weird since that dinner on Mr. Moore's yacht. An uneasy feeling started to well up inside, but she shoved it down.
He swallowed, hesitating, knowing he'd avoided going over. His thoughts had been a jumble of indecision and self-doubt. Then he shrugged. "I was just tired, and I figured you'd be exhausted after work."
"I wasn't that exhausted," she pouted. "I ended up playing cards with Bodie for a while before I went to bed. I have to say, I'm getting better at Poker."
"Maybe we'll have to play sometime," he chuckled.
"Yes, we will," she said flirtatiously, her eyes glinting with mischief.
Holding her waist, squeezing her gently, he smiled down at her. "Well, lead me to the issue."
She took him by the hand and led him inside. Bessie was in the kitchen. "Thanks for coming over, Pacey. I swear this old house shifts overnight. We've got a couple sticky guest closet doors, and I think they either need to be rehung or have some wood shaved off."
"Sounds easy enough."
"Let's go," Joey said. "I'll show you the rooms and then I gotta get to work."
He followed her up the stairs, enjoying the subtle sway of her jeans-clad hips. At the top, before she had the chance to open the first guest room door, he took her hand and tugged her to him, then dropped another kiss on her lips. It had been a few days since they'd really been alone, and he didn't want to wait another minute.
Her arms circled his neck and she returned the favor as he walked her against the wall, and leaned in for more. He nuzzled her neck, enjoying the silky warm skin and the fact her hair was up in a ponytail. Though wanting to linger right there, kissing and cuddling with the woman who owned his heart, he understood necking wasn't the reason she'd called him to come over. So, after one more thoroughly satisfying kiss, one that left her craving more, and him having to adjust himself inside his jeans, he backed off.
"Is this the room?" he asked.
"Yes," she whispered over his ear, her arms still tight around his neck.
He edged back, imagining that answer was to a totally different question. Their gazes met and held with understanding for an instant, shooting a fresh line of adrenaline down his middle.
"I wish we weren't so busy lately and had more time all to ourselves," she said, a sincere and inviting glint in her eye.
"I wish this house didn't have so many bedrooms. Way too tempting."
She grinned knowingly. He touched his forehead to hers, detecting the scent of fabric softener on her top. Even dryer sheet fragrance was sexy on her. "So, you gonna let me fix those doors, Potter, or are you going to keep distracting me?"
She inhaled, a slow smile stretching her lips. "You started it."
He let his eyes do the smiling, and then reluctantly let her go. Shifting back to business, they went inside where she showed him the sticky closet door in guest room number one. He opened and closed it, checked the hinges, ran his hand along the top, then dropped to his knees to check the bottom.
Joey retreated to stand in the doorway, watching him, enjoying the view. "You're the distraction," she said quietly.
Her suggestive tone set the hair on the back of his neck on end. He turned to look at her. His eyes met her smoldering gaze.
"I have to get to the restaurant. Will… will I see you tonight?"
The trace of insecurity in her voice tugged at his heart. The house had three fancy guest rooms, but the one room he thought of right then was hers, on the first floor, with the antique bedframe, and the half dozen different ways he loved to see her on it. Pacey felt desire stirring deep inside him. "Yes," he promised her. "I'll be here."
Later that night, saturated with exhausted sexual energy, they lay beside each other in her bedroom, content for the moment to hold hands and luxuriate in the blissful afterglow of their lovemaking. A precious calm interlude from the intensity that had, just moments before, gripped every strong emotional fiber within each of them.
Moving away from her to reach over the side of her bed, Pacey searched inside his jeans pocket and pulled out a little box. Then he returned to her, stretching out his hand.
"What's in the box?" she asked, intrigued.
"Open it and find out."
Smiling sheepishly, her eyes alight with excitement, Joey took it from his palm and untied the red ribbon around the black box. It fell away easily and then she slowly lifted the lid. Inside it was a necklace—simple and delicate, with several glittering gemstones strung together on a silver chain. "It's beautiful," she breathed. "Oh, Pacey."
He touched the necklace in the box. "I saw it and it reminded me of your mom's bracelet. And the stones sort of look like the ones on your dress. I thought you might want to wear it to prom."
"Of, course I'll wear it to prom. It's beautiful. Thank you." Closing the box and setting it aside, she grabbed his neck and pulled him closer and kissed him tenderly.
As she lay there, running her hand through his hair and looking up at him lovingly, adoringly, he knew in his heart that any choice that risked her and what they had together would always be the wrong one.
June 1. On Friday, the day started as the sun tried to shine in through his bedroom curtains, even though it was only five-fifteen in the morning. They awoke to the alarm ringing off to a loud beep. Pacey always joked that she needed a bomb to wake her up, so his alarm was always set on the loudest volume whenever Joey slept over.
"Five more minutes," she mumbled sleepily as he hit the snooze button.
Chuckling, he ran his hand through his hair. "Okay," breathed. "Five minutes."
Then her stomach growled. "Let's stop at Dunkin on the way and get some donuts. I'm starving."
He pulled her close as she turned in his arms to snuggle against his chest. The feeling he always had waking up with Joey by his side was a contentment unlike anything he'd known before it. He loved waking up next to her in the morning. He loved holding her sleep-softened body as she pressed lazy kisses against his skin. He loved that she was tougher than anyone he'd ever met on the outside, but was kinder and gentler than anyone he'd ever known on the inside. He loved that he alone was allowed to see this soft side to her. He wouldn't take this for granted. He wouldn't risk losing this. He wanted to do this for the rest of his life. He intended to do this for the rest of his life.
"Time to get up," he whispered in her ear. He rolled out of bed and stretched as the alarm sounded again. He shut it off and then turned back to the beauty in his bed. "Come on, lazybones. You're the one who said you wanted to get donuts."
She groaned as she got up, and he looked at her while she mimicked his stretches. He recognized her grimaces. "Sore?"
"Yeah."
He kissed the top of her nose. "Sorry."
Joey gave him a sarcastic smile. "You should be, Pacey Witter. Geez. What do you think I am? An acrobat?"
"Excuse me? I was there. I know exactly who did what to whom."
"Oh, yeah," she grinned. "Well, then fine. Let's go shower. And brush our teeth."
"Great idea."
"I'm chock full of them."
He ran his hand over her silky back as he gazed down at her. "I know."
The look he gave her—like he wanted to toss her right back into bed and devour her—turned her insides to mush. Would she ever get used to him looking at her like that? Maybe. But she hadn't yet, not in the nearly four months they'd been having sex. Joey sighed, leaning into him. "There is a very real danger that if you start touching me, we may not get out of here in a while."
"And that would be bad, how?"
"When I expire from hunger, you're gonna have a lot of explaining to do."
"Point well taken."
Pacey grabbed her by the hand and walked her down the hallway to the bathroom. She went to the tub, drew the shower curtain around it, and started the water while he opened the cabinet to take out his toothbrush and paste. By the time she stood next to him at the sink, he was minty fresh. She unzipped her toiletry bag and followed suit while he stepped under the hot water. It felt like heaven on his tired bones. Closing his eyes, he let the shower work its magic. He opened them again when Joey joined him.
He abandoned his perfect position so she could get wet, grabbed the soap, and lathered his hands really well. She took the soap from him and did the same. Then they put their hands on each other's bodies and went to work making sure they were both squeaky clean from head to toe.
That afternoon, Joey stood in front of her mirror. When she'd gotten home from school, her sister insisted she try on the dress to be sure it fit right and no changes needed to be made. She hadn't worn it since that day she'd first tried it on in the shop.
"It seems a little loose here," Bessie said, touching her lower back. "I think this part of the dress should be more form-fitting."
Her sister then went and collected scissors and a sewing kit. Bessie pulled out a needle and thread. She then stood behind her and got to work making some fitting adjustments.
"Can I come in yet?" Pacey's voice asked through the closed door.
"No!" she and Bessie said in unison.
"Oh, come on. I've seen the dress before, you know."
"No on her, you haven't."
"Is it bad luck for a guy to see his girlfriend wearing her dress before prom? It's not like this is our wedding." He grinned to himself. "Well, unless you want it to be. I mean, the prom is on a boat and we'll be out there, on the ocean, and I certainly could ask the captain to marry us, Jo."
She rolled her eyes at Bessie in the mirror. "I'd rather ram a pencil up my nose and into my frontal cortex than get married before the age of twenty-five."
"So, what you're saying is that you'll marry me when you turn twenty-five?"
"Shut up, Pacey."
"Fine. Shutting up."
Despite this statement, they heard him continue to mumble barely audible complaints outside the door and shook their heads as their eyes met in the mirror. It wasn't long before Bessie was finished. The dress was removed and Bessie placed it back inside the plastic dry cleaner's bag and hung it in the closet while Joey pulled her jeans and tank top back on. Her sister opened the bedroom door, allowing Pacey to enter.
"She looks radiant in her dress," Bessie told him.
"I don't look radiant. I look silly."
He arched his brows. "That's ridiculous, Jo. I'm not even going to dignify that comment with a response."
"Pacey, the prom? What are we, like, in high school?"
"Uh, yes, last time I checked."
"Not to mention, I don't have the best track record for these events. I mean, need I remind you of the debacle that was last year's Anti-Prom?"
He shrugged while he flopped on her bed and stretched out. "True, but it had its moments. We got to dance together, didn't we?"
"I wouldn't exactly call that a happy moment, though. I just felt… sad. Just… deep, profound sadness." She sighed. "How much your life can change in just a year," she said almost to herself. She wondered what her life would look like in a year's time, and hoped she would be just as happy then as she was now.
"Oh, God," Bessie mumbled as she picked up her sewing kit and scissors off the desk. "I forgot to pick up Alexander."
They watched her rush out of the room. He turned to Joey and smiled. "Well, there won't be any sadness at this year's prom. I want to make this perfect for you."
"Sweetheart, you don't have to make this perfect. Just not a night that ends in complete disaster is all I ask for in attending a school dance, which so far has been denied me."
"Jo, I will do everything in my power to ensure we avoid disaster. And I'm sure Bessie's right, by the way. Even though I'm apparently not allowed to see you wearing it until tomorrow night for some reason, I'm sure you look absolutely radiant in your prom dress, and not the least bit silly."
"Do you honestly even care about my dress, Pace?" she said skeptically. "I mean, I know you paid for it, but…"
"Why wouldn't I care?"
She crossed the room and crawled up on the bed next to him. "Well, 'cause I kind of figured that the dress really isn't the part that the guys care about." Her eyes glinted suggestively as she moved her lips toward his. "It's really the after-prom when the dress comes off."
He leaned in and met her lips for a lingering kiss. "Hmm. Yes, the after-prom," he murmured, waggling his brows.
Determined to weasel the truth out of him, a mischievous twinkle alighted her gaze. "Did you pick up the prom tickets?"
"Yes, I did."
"Did you double check the limo rental?"
"Yes. Black stretch limo, as requested, to arrive at Dawson's house at six-thirty tomorrow."
"Did you get my corsage?"
"I picked it up from the florist shop after school today."
"Did you put it in the refrigerator to keep it fresh?"
He gave her a patient smile. "Yes, Jo, I did. I told you I have taken care of everything."
"Did you book us a room at the resort for the night?"
"Yes, of course."
Her mouth fell open and she stared at him with a look of triumph. "A-ha!"
He frowned. "Damn it, Potter. I wanted to surprise you."
"Honestly, Pace, it's not that great a surprise, as far as surprises go. I mean, it was easy to guess."
"Not that great a surprise, huh? I see. I think you'll have to be punished for that."
He grinned wickedly and her stomach fluttered as a look of panic came over her face. "Pacey, no."
"Pacey, yes."
Then he grabbed her and started tickling her. Immediately, she shrieked. Giggling and squirming, she desperately tried to get away from his relentless fingers. She was soon pinned beneath him. He grabbed her face with his hand, and kissed her passionately. Her arms came around him, holding him tight. He whispered into her mouth, "I love you," over and over. Their bodies began to crave each other, but he broke away from their kisses and moved off her.
"Nobody's home. Bessie, Bodie, Alexander—all gone. And there are no guests here. So, basically, that means we have the whole place to ourselves," she purred suggestively, reaching for him.
"We can't get too carried away. I have to leave in a few minutes to get Krudski and then we gotta pick up our tux rentals at the mall."
She pouted. "And then I won't see you for over twenty-four hours."
He gave her a sympathetic look and kissed her cheek. "The girls will keep you plenty busy, from what Andie was telling me."
Joey scoffed. "Don't I know it. She insisted on a sleepover at her house tonight, and then tomorrow it's all about getting ready for prom at Jen's house. How much you wanna bet Andie actually made a binder with scheduled activities?" She thought for a moment. "But then again, Italy really loosened her up, so who knows?"
"I know. Tonight, I believe Andie is planning on a Blockbuster run and renting several teen rom-coms that feature school dances. And while me and Will are hanging out playing video games tomorrow, you'll be forced to endure an afternoon of girl time prom prep, which I believe includes getting mani-pedis at some ritzy salon."
"Oh, God," she groaned, and rolled over, burying her face in a pillow.
"Hey, you know Andie," he laughed. "When she goes, she goes hard."
She continued to groan into the pillow.
"Well, I'd love to stay and ravish you while there's an empty house, but I gotta leave for the train station." He playfully slapped her ass, and moved off the mattress. He stood beside the bed watching her as she rolled over to look at him. "I will be at Jen Lindley's door at six o'clock sharp tomorrow, corsage and prom tickets in hand, to escort you, Joey Potter, to the disaster-free prom you deserve."
A warm smile lit up her face. "And I'll be there waiting for you, looking radiant—and not silly—in my dress."
He returned her smile. "That's my girl," he murmured, leaning down to kiss her goodbye.
Later that night, Joey lounged on the large couch with Andie and Jen in the spacious McPhee living room. They'd been snacking on popcorn and candy and pizza all evening. After watching 10 Things I Hate About You, Andie had popped in She's All That, whose credits were now rolling on the television screen. Getting off the couch, she stopped the VHS tape and then pressed the rewind button on the VCR.
"Movies have ruined me," Andie said. "Don't get me wrong, I love movies. But as someone who has spent most of her life watching an endless combination of John Hughes and Meg Ryan flicks, I think I'm sort of broken when it comes to dating."
"Oh, please," Joey scoffed.
"No, it's true. Deep down I sort of have always believed that my Mr. Right will appear outside my bedroom window, holding a boom box over his head, blasting Peter Gabriel. That he'll come running to find me before midnight on New Year's Eve to tell me that when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want it to start right away. That we will meet in a really cute, sort of awkward way, he'll sweep me off my feet in some utterly romantic fashion, and that, despite a setback or two, we'll eventually end up living happily ever after."
Jen laughed. "Life isn't a movie."
"That's my point! Combine growing up surrounded by these romantic comedy fairy tales and my first love being Pacey Witter, well… my expectations aren't just high—they're astronomical. How can anyone I meet actually live up to them? Like when I met Lorenzo—"
Joey grinned and exchanged looks with Jen. "Who is Lorenzo?"
"I'm about to tell you about him. I met him after I'd been in Italy for just about two weeks. He was totally gorgeous and he wooed me in that way you would stereotypically imagine a Latin man to woo a person. I got completely caught up in the whole movie-ness of it. The late nights riding around Florence on his Vespa. His romantic endearments in softly purring Italian." She sighed dreamily at the memories.
"Well, after spending every single day together for about a month, he took me to his home at to meet his family and friends, who were lovely and affectionate and very raucous and funny, and it made me homesick for you guys, honestly. Three weeks later, at Christmas, he was begging me to marry him and take him back to America with me, telling me he would die if he couldn't make love to me for the rest of his life."
"Oh," said Jen with a frown.
"Yeah," she muttered.
Joey glanced between them, confused. "What?"
Andie retrieved the rewound tape from the VCR. "Well, I laughed and of course told him no. 'I can't get married, Lorenzo. I'm going to Harvard.' He didn't speak to me after that, and I was crushed. When I went out on New Year's Eve with some new friends I'd made, I saw him putting the moves on some other American girl."
"He wanted a Green Card," Joey realized.
"Yeah, that's what my friends Luca and Francesca told me. Apparently, this was a routine thing for him."
"I'm sorry, Andie," Jen told her.
"It's okay. Right then and there, I decided that I wasn't going to look for love or even hope for it. I swore off the idea of having any serious relationship while I was in Italy. I was just gonna have fun, with no expectations or declarations or promises, and believe me, there were plenty of guys in Florence who just wanted to have fun."
She took a deep breath as she removed another VHS tape from its case and pushed it into the VCR. "But then out of the blue Will wrote me back, which I wasn't expecting because I had simply sent a postcard, but then we kept writing each other and… here I go hoping for the fairy tale again, like a fool."
Jen leaned over and picked up her glass of soda from the coffee table. "I know I'm the last person who's ever going to believe teenage relationships can turn out to be the real deal, but—"
"Gee, thanks," Joey muttered, frowning.
Jen threw her a look before turning her attention back to Andie. "Well, who's to say whatever you've got going on with Will won't live up to your astronomical expectations?"
"There's nothing wrong with hoping for your dreams to come true," Joey said with a pointed look at Jen.
Andie dropped down on the couch with a great sigh. "I think I'm just nervous. I haven't seen Will face to face since… well, I don't know. I think it was your birthday party, Joey. So, if prom doesn't go well, then we're trapped there together on a boat for hours, which would be a nightmare I couldn't escape without jumping overboard."
The girls all nodded in agreement.
The opening to Pretty in Pink started up on the screen as the familiar music filled the living room. The three friends watched the movie with interest, laughing and providing their own commentary, full of quippy observations and sarcastic sidebars. Finally, they reached the scene where protagonist Andie Walsh shows up at senior prom with her best friend, Philip F. "Duckie" Dale.
"You know, I haven't seen this in forever, but watching it now, I don't get Blane's appeal at all," Joey said. "According to Dawson, they supposedly changed and reshot the ending so she ends up with Blane instead. She totally should've ended up with Duckie."
Smiling to herself, Jen turned and smirked at her. "Duckie, huh?"
Joey laughed. "It's true. I mean, the most powerful scene in the movie is when she loudly attacks Blane at his locker and accuses him of being ashamed to go with her to prom. You can see the disgust on her face. I refuse to believe that a girl with so much self-respect would've forgiven him so easily after such a humiliation, that she wouldn't have realized Duckie was the one who truly loved her the way she deserved to be loved."
"Well, I for one find Steff to be infuriatingly sexy," Andie said. "Or maybe it's just James Spader's charisma."
"It's the Steffs of the world who will stomp all over your heart," Jen replied. "Rich boys with the safety net of their parents' money who are arrogant enough to walk the earth as if they invented it. I knew a lot of them in New York… and Capeside."
Later, the girls made their way upstairs to Andie's bedroom, where they dressed in their pajamas. As host, she offered up her bed to Joey and Jen while she tucked herself into a sleeping bag on the floor. They chatted for a while in the dark, the room potent with an anxious yet excited before-prom energy. Soon the talking stopped as the girls began to drift towards sleep.
"I'm glad you're the one who's coming with me to New York," Jen said quietly.
Joey gasped. "Shit."
"What?"
"I never told Pacey."
"Is that a problem?"
She hesitated, thinking for a moment. She couldn't really picture him being angry that she would be spending Ditch Day in New York City, but then again, she would be springing it on him last minute and things had been a little tense lately. "Um, I don't think so…?"
"Tell him at prom. He can't get mad if he's hoping to get laid afterwards."
"Oh, my God," she laughed.
"Joey," Jen said, her voice barely above a whisper. "Do you lie back and just think about how Pacey and Andie had sex in this bed?"
She gasped with a shocked laugh. "You bitch," she giggled softly, reaching over and pinching her.
"Ow!" Jen laughed, and returned the pinch.
"Hey!" she protested and rubbed the sting from her arm as they continued to giggle.
"What are you guys doing?" Andie said sleepily from the floor.
"Nothing," they answered quickly in unison.
The room was quiet again for a few moments. "I can't believe you said that," Joey whispered.
Jen's brows knitted. "Like it didn't cross your mind."
She heaved a sigh. "I take comfort in the fact that it was two years ago."
"Yeah, I'm sure the sheets have been washed since."
"Oh. My. God."
Jen laughed breathlessly, and they were quiet for a moment as they listened to Andie's quiet snores. "Are you all right, Joey? There were some times tonight where you kinda seemed… I don't know… a little off. You doing okay?"
"I mean, I should be, right? I'm salutatorian. I'm going to Worthington. Pacey and I are just as in love as we ever were. Everything in my life is going exactly the way I wanted it, everything is falling together perfectly." She sighed, frowning in the darkness. "So, why don't I feel perfect?"
"In the words of my therapist, why don't you tell me?"
She stared up at the ceiling, a multitude of thoughts swirling inside her head. "Hmm, well, I'm terrified of the future, for one. More specifically, I'm terrified of a future without Pacey. That question—where do you see yourself in five years? It haunts me. Because if I don't have Pacey, then I can't see myself anywhere."
"What makes you think you won't have Pacey? As far as I can tell, he's totally committed. He's not going anywhere without you."
Tears pricked her eyes. She couldn't speak. She swallowed hard against the lump of emotion. "What if that's the problem? What if he should go? He has these amazing opportunities come his way, and he won't take them and all to stay with me. Part of me is happy about that. I don't want us to be apart. I don't want to lose him. What if he were to go off and do these amazing things, and then he doesn't come back?
"You'd think I'd be content that he chooses me, that he always puts me first. I want to feel good about that, but I don't. There's this voice in the back of my mind telling me that something is wrong, and it won't go away. And then the voice makes me feel terrified, and so then I'll feel needy and insecure and like I have to hold onto him tighter for fear of letting him go and losing him."
Jen thought for a moment. "You've heard that story about the little boy who found the baby bird, right? He ran home to show his mother what he found, but when he opened his hands to show her, the baby bird was dead. He'd held onto the bird so tightly, that he'd killed it."
"So… you're saying if I don't let Pacey go, I'll kill our relationship?"
"Eh," Jen shrugged. "Only you can answer that. But there is that saying. If you love something, let it go, and if it comes back to you then it was yours to let go. If it doesn't come back, then you never had it in the first place. Not that this cynic believes in love conquers all, mind you. It's just a saying… that people say."
"Maybe I should talk to someone who does believe in love conquers all instead," she quipped.
"Funny. Don't forget the person with the final say is Pacey. Only he can truly say what is right for him. If you were to let him go, there's no guarantee he'd actually go. It's ultimately up to him to stay or go."
And if he did stay here with her this summer, instead of taking what could only be described as his ultimate dream job, but then only regretted it later? Regretted her? Resented her?
"But what if he's choosing wrong?" Joey whispered sadly.
"Well, that's for him to decide, isn't it?"
She felt more conflicted than ever, and she didn't want to feel conflicted right now. It was night before her senior prom. She wanted to feel excited and happy and hopeful for all the possibilities tomorrow would bring. She pushed the conflict away, closing her eyes and focusing on all she dreamed of involving her and Pacey together at the prom. It was supposed to be a magical night for them, and she didn't want anything to tarnish it, especially not her fears and insecurities.
"You know, Joey, I've been thinking about what you said downstairs earlier. You're just like Andie, you know? I admire that about you."
Confused, she turned her head to glance at their friend in the sleeping bag.
"No, not our Andie. Pretty in Pink-Andie."
"How am I like her?"
"Because… you grew up poor and, as you like you say, on the wrong side of the tracks. At school, we're surrounded by kids from wealthy families—and a lot of them are emotionally bankrupt, morally vacuous, debauched assholes. You know, like Drue."
Joey snorted. "Right."
"It's not money or cars or boys with money and cars that bring happiness. Love, honesty, and integrity are far more valuable. So is self-respect. Other people's opinions and labels can't shake you when your core is solid and impenetrable, and when you know you're loved by those who matter. Andie in the movie knew that. And you know it, too. It's why you got the right ending. It's why you ended up with Duckie."
She smiled in the dark as emotion tightened her throat. "He really is Duckie, isn't he?"
Jen nodded. "Yes, he is. Joey, I may not be much of a believer in love conquers all, but if I were… then I'd believe in you and Pacey."
Her eyes filled with fresh tears. Beneath the covers, she reached and took hold of Jen's hand and gently squeezed it. "Thank you," she whispered.
It wasn't long before it was obvious Jen was asleep. Joey lay half-awake, drifting off to sleep, her thoughts a dreamy haze of prom hair and dresses and dancing and the after-prom hotel room and next week's final exams and graduation and Pacey. Always Pacey.