A/N: TW - Depiction of miscarriage. Features inspiration by and lyrics from 'Willow Tree' by Tudor Lodge.
KATNISS POV
Many months had passed and it was now mid-November. Maevis was a year old now and starting to walk and Lark, who was almost three, was proving to be an excellent teacher to her little sister. They were both with Peeta and his family at the bakery, his parents having claimed they missed their granddaughters and wanted Peeta to bring them when he went there to work, and he couldn't deny them. He loved them both so dearly, and things had been so much better for them ever since Mellie finally saw the person she had become and decided to make a change. Peeta says he found Mellie and Caseo dancing together in the bakery kitchen early one morning, laughing and smiling in a way that he'd never seen them do before. A small part of me was jealous of Peeta's mother for finally coming through - she wasn't trying to control him, she wasn't trying to influence him, she was just spoiling her granddaughters and trying to rebuild her relationship with him. Agnessa never did any of that. She just got better from her depression but she never tried to change anything. Even three years later, sometimes she'd still try to control me, and she was part of the reason I was in the woods, trying hard to find a moment of peace to myself. She'd told me I needed to rest, as I was four months pregnant and had had a slew of difficult births, but I was so tired of hearing it, so I went to the woods to hide.
Peeta hadn't really let me into the woods if he wasn't with me, mostly because we still hadn't seen or heard from Gale and Peeta was worried he'd follow up on his threat. The Games that had taken his little brother away were now almost a year and a half ago, but knowing from the experience of losing my entire family, I know that the pain and the anger at the unfairness of it all doesn't go away. Gale was a very angry person, I'd come to learn - too much fire, while I was more like water. I, too, had once been a flame, but I was born a river, ever changing and adapting. Adding fire to more fire will only make the fire bigger, and it will grow and grow until it out of control and it destroys everything in its path. Very unlike Gale, Peeta was like... a dandelion in the spring. Strong, sturdy, resilient, a sign of hope that the bleak days of winter would soon be behind us. Fire would have destroyed that dandelion, but water feeds it. It was more than obvious that Gale and I were never meant to be, but he didn't seem to want to admit that. Well, maybe not once, but now that I was the girl who promised she would protect his brother, but failed... he probably thought differently now.
It was a Tuesday, so there was no chance of Gale being in the woods today. An early snow had fallen and it was a bit deep, surprisingly, for this soon before winter. Evidently, it would be a long, cold winter full of no life, a lot of storms and grey, cloud-covered skies; the sun wouldn't shine again for quite some time. I was attuned to the woods, listening to the wintry breeze that whispered to the trees, lifting whatever leaves they had left from their branches and forcing them to flutter down onto the forest floor, but it was still quiet. I should have heard the crunch of the approaching footsteps behind me.
I jumped when I felt a hand grab me by shoulder and drag me off of my rock, and then I was violently turned and shoved up against a tree, my silver Hebridean eyes meeting the grey Seam eyes of Gale. Anger and hatred flickered through them while momentary fear danced in mine, but I shoved that fear aside and sent him a fiery glare right back. "Gale! The hell do you think you're doing?" I hissed at him, struggling to free myself from his grasp, but he was holding me to the tree very tightly.
"You promised you'd bring him back! " Gale spat at me angrily, his voice loud with fury.
"If you don't lower your voice, you'll scare all your game away!" I spat back furiously.
"These are my hunting grounds. If I catch you here again-"
"You'll kill me?" I said, cutting him off. He grabbed me by my coat and threw me to the ground, taking several steps away from me before turning back to face me.
"I don't know who the hell you are anymore. The Games changed you. You're not my Catnip anymore."
"I never was," I said, struggling to stand with a pain in my shoulder.
"You let him die in that arena. He was poisoned, you could have sent him medicine!"
"Don't you think we tried? Gale, the longer the Games go on, the more expensive supplies get! Nobody in the Capitol wanted to sponsor a young kid from District Twelve! To them, he was dispensable, and we tried and we tried to get the money to send him antivenom but we just couldn't do it in time... Do you really think that I would willingly let Vick die in the arena? Gale, if I could have gone in there myself, then I would have!"
"You didn't try hard enough."
"Haymitch, Peeta and I were all trying our best. There's only so much you can do when your hands are tied."
"My mother still hasn't stopped crying. Do you have any idea what it's like to lose a child? Or a little brother?"
"Don't play stupid with me. I told you once that I lost my entire family before I came here from Hebridia. You knew that. No, I don't know what it's like to lose a child, but I love my children more than anything in the world and I know how scared I am to lose them! You have no idea what lengths I have gone to try and keep my daughters safe!"
"You think my mother wouldn't do the same? That I wouldn't do the same for my own son?"
"I didn't know you had a son..."
"He was born in April. My aunt delivered him. I didn't want you."
"I wasn't working then, anyway." For a moment, we silently stared at each other, as if in a contest to see who could stare at the other with more anger and hatred in their eyes. "Gale... You have no reason to hate me... I did nothing wrong..."
"You didn't bring Vick back."
"And I live with the guilt of that every single day! I see his death in my nightmares, haunting me along with the deaths of the seven other tributes that I couldn't bring home. The odds were always against us..."
"You couldn't save him. You might as well have killed him."
"That's not how it works."
" I couldn't save him! Rory didn't volunteer for him! He could have been alive today if he had!"
"Then Rory would be dead, and you'd still have lost a brother." He was silent for a moment. "Gale... I know what it's like to lose my brothers... I had five of them... Their names were Dòmhnall, Cailean, Calum, Alasdair and Anndra and I would have died protecting each and every one of them if I could have... but instead, I was the one who had to survive. I'll never know what happened to them... I'll never see them again... Never hear their laughs, or see their smiles, or put on another crab puppet show with them... I know how much you're hurting, and I can assure you that I know that the pain will never go away..."
"You'll never know what it's like to be betrayed the way that I have." Betrayed? Oh, no...
"Betrayed? Gale-"
"It was supposed to be us . You were supposed to love me , marry me and have my children! Me! The man who was actually there for you, who you could be whoever you wanted to be around, who loved you and accepted you the way you were and never wanted you to change! Me! Then maybe those goddamn Capitol idiots would have had any sympathy for my brother because he would have been yours too!"
" Gale- " He started to take a few steps towards me.
"Instead, here you are, married to that fucking townie who never even had the balls to talk to you until he told the whole fucking world that he had a crush on you, who threw you bread in the rain instead of walking it out to you like a goddamn coward. You're having his children, and he flaunts you around like a goddamn trophy! That's all you fucking are now, Katniss Everdeen . A trophy for the Capitol. You, and Mellark, and your half-breed children... and you've got another one, huh? You two just can't stop rubbing that in my fucking face, can you?"
"Gale, please..." I backed up, finding myself cornered against the tree he had thrown me against while Gale came at me in a blind emotional rage that must have been building up for years now.
"You took away my brother, and you ripped my heart out... and now I'm going to take away something from you." I felt a very sharp pain in my lower abdomen, right underneath where my pregnant belly was already showing, as his fist came into contact with me. It knocked the wind out of me and as I cried out in pain, I collapsed to the ground, watching Gale's retreating footsteps from my place in the snow. "Don't show your face in these fucking woods again or I won't hesitate to shoot you." Not if I shoot you first , I thought to myself, but I had no space in my mind to think about such an event. I began to feel warm all over when I was left alone, unable to move from the amount of pain that should have dissipated by now. Something was wrong, seriously wrong, and using my midwifery experience, I tried to think my way to the answer, but I was so, so dizzy. The edges of my vision began to darken, and the blackness swallowed up the white of the wintry woods.
I was falling down hard and fast, deep into a hole that seemed to have no end. There was no light above me and there was no light below me and I was spinning out of control, unable to grasp anything. I had no idea how far from me the walls were, if they were even there.
And then, I landed.
I picked up my head, searching for any sign of where I was, but it was still too dark. I felt the surface below my fingers - soft, grass-like, and it smelled of Earth. I was numb - I should have been in pain, from a fall like that, but alas, I felt nothing. I must be dreaming... I pushed myself to stand, and as I stood, I looked up to see small little lights descending from incalculable heights above, dancing as if they were Fae, and as they neared, I could hear the sound of high-pitched whispers.
"Hello?" I called, finding myself bathed in the light that they brought down upon me. These lights, innumerable, began to circle me, and the whispers faded into the sound of a summer breeze as whatever world I was thrust into came to life around me - I was in a meadow. There was a babbling brook that ran around the little grassy island that I found myself on, and towards the opposite end was a tall weeping willow tree. The little lights giggled and began to settle in the branches of the willow tree, and I found myself drawn to it. I took a step, surprised to find myself barefoot, and I looked down to find myself shrouded in a loose organdy dress of white that fell past my knees. My chocolate brown curls were loose down my back, and on my head, a flower crown, placed there by a pair of lights that giggled and danced in front of me. I raised my hand to touch one, and it landed on my finger. "Who... who are you?" I asked it.
"I am the guardian of dreams," said the little light in a high-pitched, childlike voice.
"What is your name?" I asked it.
"Lucy," said the little light, and it floated away from me. Lucy? This little light was called Lucy? I looked to the other one, which still hovered beside me.
"And what is your name, little one?" I asked it, offering my hand for it to land on, but it wouldn't take.
"Sage," said the light, and then it, too, followed the light called Lucy to hide in the branches of the willow tree. I followed the little light called Sage to the willow tree, and as I approached, all of the little lights began to sing.
'The sound of her footsteps
Disappear into the sunset.
Shrouded in organdy and wine...'
"What's going on here?" I asked the lights, now irritated, but they continued to sing, and they left their perch to once again dance around me.
'She's left all her memories
With the guardian of dreams...
Like leaves from the willow tree,
Weeping tears into the stream...'
"Who are you? Who are all of you?" I cried out, panicked and frightened. "Peeta? Where's Peeta?" I called out to the lights.
"There's no Peeta among us," said one of the little lights.
"Not yet," said another.
"But who are you? What are you?" I asked them again.
"Thelma," said a light.
"Millie," said another.
"Lucas."
"Vick."
"Eliza."
"Penelope." These names, they were familiar. All of them.
"Petra." A name I hadn't heard in quite a while - a name I heard pulled from a glass bowl the year before my own sister's name was.
"Don."
"Augusta."
"Hanna."
"Drill."
"Suisanna."
"Care."
"Bask."
"Jessup."
" Lucy Gray ."
I felt sick. The world around me was spinning again and tears threatened my eyes as I ran from the willow tree in an attempt to escape these lights, who circled me as if they were angry with me - angry because I couldn't save them. "I couldn't save you," I said to the lights as I collapsed by the stream, and they began to sing again.
'The sound of her footsteps
Disappear into the sunset.
Shrouded in organdy and wine...
She's left all her memories
With the guardian of dreams.
Like leaves from the willow tree,
Weeping tears into the stream...'
"Stop! Stop! Stop!" I screamed, my eyes shut tight and my hands over my ears. "Stop it! All of you, stop it! I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!" I heard the sound of their mournfully playful, childlike song fade, and when I opened my eyes, the world around me again was black. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't see, I couldn't hear, and I collapsed yet again.
"This looks like it was self-inflicted. Do you see the size of that bruise?"
"She'd never do that, though. She wanted this! You have no idea how much."
"The bruising is about the size of a male fist maybe. Did you have anything to do with this?"
"Of course not! I'm the one that found her like this in the woods!"
"He wouldn't do a damn stupid thing like that, that boy loves that girl and he loves his kids!"
"Would she have any reason to do such a thing?"
"No! Katniss would never!"
"Who let that child into this room? This is official Capitol business."
"She's not a child, she's almost sixteen years old, and she's training to be a midwife. She's one of the first people I called to be here when I found Katniss in the woods!"
"Well, clearly, something was done here, and someone will pay for this. That child, and Ms. Everdeen, are property of the Capitol."
There were voices all around me and I didn't recognise any of them. Well, I recognised some. Maybe? There was a harsh female voice that was arguing with another male voice, one that seemed familiar and warm, one that made me feel safe and protected from whoever owned the harsh female voice. There was also a harsher male voice, but it didn't seem unfriendly, not like the female voice. These voices... they didn't sound like those pesky little lights that taunted me with their names - the names of children that I couldn't save. I opened my mouth and tried to force out a word, but all that came out was a small whimper.
"Katniss!" cried the softer male voice, and I felt a warm, firm hand wrap itself tightly around my own and I felt another on my cheek, pushing the hair from my eyes. "Katniss... Katniss, honey, talk to me. Are you okay? Katniss!"
"Katniss?" came another voice - young, small and female, so unlike the harsh voice I'd heard before, and I felt a pressure on whatever surface I was lying on beside me.
"Ms. Everdeen," said the harsh female voice.
"It's Mellark !" snapped the young female voice. "Peeta, say her name again. She responded best to you." Peeta... something about that was familiar. Something about that word - name? - made my heart flutter and made my whole body warm.
"P...pee...ta..." I repeated quietly.
"Yes... Yes, Katniss, my love, it's me... it's Peeta..." said the male voice. "Can we have some privacy, please?" He was addressing the harsh female voice, I was sure.
"I need to question Ms. Everdeen-" the harsh voice began, but it was interrupted.
" Mellark! " the young female voice, the harsher male voice and the softer male voice spat back in unison.
"You're not questioning her when she's just woken up for the first time in four days! Please, just go back to the Justice Building and I'll call you when she's well enough to speak! She's just gone through an extremely traumatic experience!" the softer male voice snapped angrily. I heard a 'hmph', and then a set of heels storm out of the room, then another set of footsteps, and a door slamming behind them. "Katniss... Baby, are you with me? Say something..."
"Pee...ta..." I croaked again, trying hard to will my eyes to open. I could see a slit of light through the darkness finally, and when my eyes adjusted, a set of eyes the colour of the sky filled with panic and worry met mine. The face - the charming, handsome face, with a brilliant and beautiful smile framed by a mess of honey golden curls - smiled and tears of joy began to fall from those sweet blue eyes that were the first thing I saw since I was tormented by the lights. Weakly, I raised a hand to touch that face, just to make sure it was real, and his hand cradled mine in his against his face and he pressed his lips to my fingertips.
"You're alive..." he whispered to me.
"The... lights... are... they..." I began, unable to finish my sentence.
"It's just the window, Katniss. I can close the curtains if the light's bothering you," said the man, who must have been Peeta, sweetly. Weakly, I shook my head.
"What... hap...pen..." I managed to spit out.
"I don't know... I found you in the woods unconscious... You were bleeding so much... God, you gave me such a scare!" This poor man was crying again, and I used whatever strength I could muster to wipe away his tears.
"Shh... no... cry..." I said, and he chuckled through his tears.
"I should be the one comforting you... and here you are, selfless as always, comforting me," he said. He moved down to kiss my forehead, then my cheek, and very lightly, my lips. As his lips brushed mine, I knew then exactly who this man was - he was Peeta Mellark, my husband of three years, the love of my life and the father of my two - no, three - children. Almost three. I was four months pregnant with our third - or so I last recalled. My memories were fuzzy. I saw Peeta exchange a look with someone sitting nearby, and then I heard more footsteps and a door close. "Katniss..." Peeta said again, his thumb rubbing my cheek in small circles. "Do you remember anything? About what happened?"
"No... do... do... you..." He shook his head.
"I wasn't there... You were so cold when I found you, and so pale... There was so much blood. Honey, I thought you were dead. They... They said you lost the baby..."
"Baby..." I muttered, my hand leaving his face and trying to find the small bump that had been growing, but I found nothing but emptiness. "What..."
"Did someone attack you?" I looked up at him again, his arms encasing me and though not touching me, holding me to the bed. Almost like... no... He... He wouldn't have, he... My eyes widened, and I shook my head in response to Peeta's question. "Katniss, President Snow is very upset about this. If someone did this to you, tell me now, before that horrible Capitol official comes back to question you. If you tell me, she won't have to bother you."
"No... no one... attacked... me..." I lied, but I could tell Peeta knew I was lying. He lowered his voice.
"Are you protecting someone?" I hesitated for a moment, but I shook my head again. He couldn't know about Gale, and what Gale did to me. He couldn't know that Gale hit me with, I now realised as the memory of the event came back to me, a clear intention to kill my child and cause a miscarriage. "Katniss..."
"No one..."
"You were hit, Katniss. You've got a bruise that's easily eight inches long. I don't know why you're lying to me, but you need to stop and you need to tell me the truth." I shook my head again, trying hard to fight the tears that were falling from my eyes, but I was too tired to win. Peeta let out a sigh as he wiped the tears from my cheeks, then he kissed my forehead again. "You've been very unwell, you need to rest... I'll tell them not to bother you, but Katniss, I can only keep them off of you for so long. They're not going to be as gentle as I am... If you wanna talk then let me know. I'm not going to leave your side, okay?" I didn't respond, only cried instead and covered my eyes with my hand. I felt Peeta's warm lips on my cheek again. "I love you, Katniss. Don't ever forget that..."
"P-Peeta..." I said, reaching for his hand, which he took. "Wh-what... what's gon...na... happen?"
"I don't know... Try not to think about that right now. Get some rest. I'm gonna ask Agnessa to bring up some broth for you," he told me.
"Can... can I... have... ch-cheese... buns?" I asked him hopefully, and he smiled warmly at me.
"I'll get right on that," he said, and he gave my forehead another kiss before he was out the door and I was left on my own.
Gosh, I was terrified. Snow was angry that I had lost this baby, but it wasn't my fault. I couldn't tell them that Gale was the one that did this to me, although I had a feeling that Peeta, at least, already knew, but if I wasn't going to say anything, then neither was he. He had no way of knowing for sure that it was Gale who did this to me, to our child, and he wasn't going to pin it on him, either.
A few days after I woke up, I was interrogated by the Capitol official, Ms. Romilda Stargazer, but I wouldn't tell her either. I simply said that I didn't know who did it, but that it was a man, and he had dark hair - pretty much like ninety percent of the population of District Twelve. Evidently, the mines had been closed that day due to the snow, which made narrowing down who did it even harder.
A week after I told Ms. Stargazer that I didn't know who hit me, Peeta carried me down to the living room for a change of scenery. I was still extremely sore, and he was right about the bruise being very large and angry-looking, but I was so sick of staring at the walls and ceiling of our bedroom that all I wanted was to be in the living room. I got to watch Lark and Maevis play on the living room floor together while Peeta made dinner in the kitchen, playing with a couple of dollies and a dollhouse that Peeta's brother, Christos, had made when Lark was born. Lark was trying to teach her little sister some words, but all Maevis could say was 'Mama', 'Dada' or 'Lala', which was what she called Lark.
"No, dolly ," Lark said to her sister.
"Lala!" Maevis replied. I chuckled as I watched my girls together, and then was startled by the abruptness of the television turning on.
"Peeta," I called to my husband. "Is there a mandatory viewing tonight?"
"I don't think so, why?" he asked, leaving the kitchen and walking into the living room just as the Capitol anthem began to play. The girls stopped playing with their dollies to watch the screen and Peeta stood in the doorframe to the foyer, wiping his hands on a rag, as the Capitol seal was replaced by the smug face of President Snow.
"Good evening, citizens of Panem. Do excuse this rather... sudden... broadcast, but I come to you bearing some dreadful news. In the woods of District Twelve, our very own victor, Katniss Everdeen-Mellark... was attacked by a rebellious dissenter in an attempt to cause distress," said President Snow on the television, and I felt my stomach drop. No... No, this couldn't be... "Mrs. Mellark was, at the time of the attack, four months pregnant with her third child, but due to the attack, has now lost this child. The identity of this... attacker... is, unfortunately, unknown to us... but let it be known that he will be found, and will be severely punished for his attempt to disrupt the peace that we have tried so hard to maintain, and for the unnecessary loss of a life that he has caused. Reports say that she is faring well since the attack. Rest assured, Mrs. Mellark, that your... attacker... will be found and punished accordingly." Snow was again replaced by the Capitol seal as the anthem played again, and then the television shut off.
I was breathing heavily now, knowing that this message wasn't at all meant to reassure me of anything, it was to warn me. Snow knew who my attacker was, and I was suddenly terrified for Gale and his family. He'd called Gale a rebellious dissenter, which made the situation even worse. I could never hate Gale, no matter what he did to me - he saved my life by teaching me new ways to hunt, and how did I repay him? By losing his brother in the arena. I looked up at Peeta, panic in my eyes, but Peeta was still staring at the blank space on the wall where the television screen once was. "Peeta..." I whispered nervously, but he didn't look at me.
"I'll be back," he said firmly, tossing down the rag onto the living room floor and ripping his apron off, tossing that aside too, and storming into the foyer to pull on his boots and coat.
"Peeta! Peeta, wait! Please, Peeta! Peeta !" I cried desperately, struggling to get off the couch due to the pain in my abdomen, but I couldn't get off fast enough, as I heard the front door open. "Where are you going? Peeta, please !" The front door slammed shut and I watched out the window as Peeta stormed off towards the entrance to Victors' Village, as well as in the direction of town and the Seam. I knew exactly where he was going - he was going to see Gale, and I was too weak and powerless to stop him.
A/N: What's going to happen now that Katniss is sure that Snow knows who really attacked her? What's Peeta going to do when he gets to his destination? Is a certain hunter/miner going to get the crap kicked out of him by our favourite baker?
Keep reading to find out, and please review!