Fun Fact!
I am actually a model and a photographer and I specialize in self-shot photography.
The vast majority of these photos actually exist and I am the subject of every single one of them. I either modeled the photos or took and modeled them myself.
I have changed a few of them slightly to better fit this story and my OC.

WARNINGS:
Descriptions of photos depicting or portraying the use of animal parts, suicide.
PTSD Episode.

Chapter 34

"The only photo here that matters is this one. This one is also where all that grey matter from that pig went."

Ella pointed at the photo that showed her with a gunshot wound to the temple. She was sitting in a tub in a white tiled bathroom. The angle of the shot looked up from the floor.

In the background, the wall is spattered with grey matter and gore. In the foreground, a snub-nosed revolver lay on the ground.

In between was Ella. Laying limp in the tub. Her head lolling against the tile wall, the arm that had held the revolver was hanging over the side of the tub.

Bucky did not like the idea of Ella dead or dying. He looked upon the photos with abhorrence and revulsion that had nothing to do with the photos themselves, but the idea. He could not imagine a world without her. He could not imagine his world without her in it anymore.

By this point, Sam had caught up with them. Doing his best to ignore and forget what had just happened. To change the subject further, Bucky asked a question that he already knew the answer to.

"Why is this the only one that matters?"

Ella looked at him with an eyebrow raised. Aware of his intentions with the question.

"Because when I was nine years old, I tried shooting myself. And failed. I used my dad's old service weapon at the time. The revolver in the photo is his original service weapon from 1974 before Glocks were standard. It is not the one I used. He gave the revolver to me a long time ago."

"Your dad was in the military, too?" Bucky looked over at Ella, slightly confused.

"No. I am a lot like him. Smart enough to attract attention. Only he never was successfully recruited into anything. But they tried. Boy did they try. My escape was joining the Army, his was becoming a cop. He was on the force for many years. Now he's the head of the SWAT team for the Phoenix Police Department. Only they don't call it SWAT anymore. Too many negative connotations. He is the one that saved my life."

"Did he catch you and stop you?" Sam asked, a serious frown on his face.

"No. He always kept his weapons loaded, but never chambered. Something I was later taught and still practice to this day. I pulled the trigger on an empty chamber. I will never forget that sound."

Bucky looked at Ella dumbfounded, horrified. She had pulled the trigger on herself. If it had not been for her father's smart idea, she wouldn't be standing here right now. She wouldn't be beside him right now with her hand in his.

The thought burned a hole in his chest. A deep, dark hole that burned and ached with the force of the frozen wind on the Siberian tundra.

He could not think of a world without this woman. He wouldn't.

"I think it's time to call it a night." Ella said quietly.

Her voice trailed off to wherever she was staring off into. She was lost somewhere, and Bucky pulled her out by squeezing her hand.

She looked up at him and gave him a tired smile. This night had worn her out as much as it had worn him out. In the end, he was glad that he and Sam had come. He had learned so much about her. He had seen so much of her and the darkness that resides in her. And he still wanted more, to know more, despite the horrors he had witnessed.

Bucky had been given more than enough information, and frankly feelings as well, to think about. This night was going to take a lot to process.

When they reached the front room of the gallery Ella asked them to wait outside while she did one last round to make sure that there wasn't anyone else in the gallery. She would meet them out front in a few minutes.

Sam and Bucky gathered their coats and went outside into the cold night air. The street was deserted at this time of night. Sam turned to Bucky; his expression was mixed.

"How are you feeling, Buck?"

"I'm fine."

"Are you sure that's all you feel?"

Sam looked at him with a look that meant he was not talking about Bucky's physical well-being.

"No. There's a lot going on."

"I know. I can see the gears in that robot head of yours turning."

Bucky just stayed silent as they saw Ella come out of the side room and join them out on the sidewalk. Once she had locked the front door, she turned to them.

"Thanks for coming tonight, I appreciate the support. And Sam, it was nice to meet you and dispel your shitty first impression. Now, I'm holding you personally responsible for getting this hard-headed one back safely."

Sam laughed and smiled wide.

"It was good to meet you officially, Ella. I have heard so much about you and you definitely lived up to all the hype the hard-headed one has made. Your work is profound and you are one talented artist. It was a pleasure experiencing it as well as getting a private tour of it. I have a feeling this will not be the last time we see each other."

"I know it won't be. I'm kind of like a bad itch. You can't get rid of me. Now, you're getting that hug whether you like it or not!"

Ella stepped towards Sam as he laughed and threw her arms around his shoulders. He hugged her back with one arm around her middle. He looked over her shoulder at Bucky who was trying not to bust out laughing at their exchange.

When Ella let go, she pointed to Sam, her face serious.

"I'm holding you to getting him home safe. If you don't, I will come and find you. Now as for you."

Ella turned herself and her finger at Bucky.

"You need to go home, eat something, drink some water, and get your ass in bed. You need to rest. I expect you might have nightmares, but you still need as much sleep as you can get. I do not recommend any running in the morning. I want you in tip-top shape for tomorrow night."

"Whatever you say, Doc. I'll be sure to be ready to cut a rug with you."

With that, Bucky reached out and scooped Ella up into his arms. His left arm behind her knees and her right around her torso. Bridal style.

However, she did not emit the squeal of shock he was hoping for. Instead, he was met with a half pissed off, half laughing German woman.

"Put me down you fucking barbarian. What do you think you are doing?!"

"I'm taking you home. I'm not about to let you kill yourself by walking up those stairs in those heels."

"Then I would hate to tell you how I got down to the gallery in the first place. Or how I got us those drinks."

Then they were up the stairs and on the landing near Ella's front door. Bucky set her down and she adjusted her dress. He could see she was trying very hard to keep a smile off her face. Ella reached into the top of her dress and produced a key. She unlocked the door and opened it to reveal darkness within. She set the key on a table that must have been right inside the door and turned back to Bucky who had a very curious expression on his face.

"Bras. The new purse. You'd be surprised what I can keep in here."

Ella laughed. It sounded like a symphony to Bucky's ears. He sighed heavily as he looked at her.

He watched as she suddenly turned serious.

"Bucky, I know it might be hard, but if you see a doctor, they need to know about what happened tonight. I'm not going to say it's not normal, but it shouldn't be like that. That shouldn't be normal. I've been where you are. Full blackouts and everything. Now it's just when I first wake up. Which is one of the reasons I don't sleep much."

Bucky reached his left hand out and pulled her closer. Reaching up and cradling her head with his right.

"I do, and I will. What happens when you wake up?"

Ella looked away, Bucky caught her chin and brought her gaze back to his.

"I don't know where I am. I sometimes don't even know who I am. It's just panic. Pure panic. Like something is about to happen or has just happened to me. Depends if I've had a nightmare or not. Which happens more often than not. Yet another reason why I don't sleep much. Now, before I overwhelm you, even more, call me when you get back. Promise me."

Bucky could never say no to a face like that. Actually, he didn't think he could say no to her, period.

"Or else you will come and find me?"

"Now you're starting to catch on." Ella smirked.

"Thank you, Ella."

"For what, exactly?" Ella looked puzzled.

"For pulling me out of the darkness."

Bucky grabbed her hand and placed it on his cheek. Covering it with his right hand that was still missing a glove. He knew that she had no idea how many different ways she was saving him from the darkness. He was just starting to grasp what this all might mean.

"Thank you for not running away."

"I don't think I will be going anywhere any time soon. I don't think I can. I think I'm in too deep at this point, Peach."

"You never know. I still have so many secrets you still do not know about. A few of which are worthy of desertion."

"You think you're the only one with secrets? Do you think I may have any that would scare you away? Maybe mine are the secrets that you should be worried about."

"I know none of your secrets could ever scare me away. I welcome you to try, though. I'll just prove you wrong. Now, you should probably go. Poor Sam is down there waiting all alone."

Ella smiled at Bucky who smirked back at this unfathomable woman in his arms.

Bucky leaned forward and placed a kiss on Ella's forehead. He reluctantly let her go and went down the stairs to meet up with Sam. He had a feeling that it was going to be a long walk back to the car.

When he reached the last step, he saw Sam waiting in front of the studio, the look on his face confirming that it was also going to be a long drive back to the apartment.

"What were you two doing up there, making out?"

Sam asked with the air of a parent about to reprimand their child as they began walking back to the car.

"Oh yeah. I forgot about you and almost left you out here while things got hot and heavy."

Sam looked over at him with a disgusted look on his face. Bucky just chuckled.

"The most we have done is what you saw earlier."

Sam looked at him again, eyes wide.

"You've only held hands? Without your glove!?" Sam said, sounding scandalized.

"You've never even kissed her yet?! So much for that lady's man that Steve talked about. The stories he told me about you would have made Ella's hair curl."

"That was then. This is now. This is… different. I'm different."

The rest of the walk was made in silence as was most of the drive home. Sam spoke about halfway back to the apartment.

"How does she make you feel? Butterflies in your stomach? Hot under the collar? Palms sweaty? Knees weak? Arms heavy?"

Bucky didn't answer right away. He had felt that way for a girl before. But this was different. Completely, totally, and entirely different. Like he had said earlier. This was…. Ella.

"No. It feels calm. Quiet. Serene. It feels like… home."

Bucky could see Sam's look of surprise, but he didn't say anything. So, Bucky said something that had been on his mind for a while now. Something he had been seriously considering and kicking around.

"I think I'm going to tell her, Sam."

Sam didn't take his eyes off the road but Bucky heard the confusion in his voice.

"Tell her what, Buck?"

"Everything."

"When you say 'everything', what do you mean by that, exactly?"

"I mean I want to tell her about my past. Everything about my past."

The driver's side of the car grew silent as they made their way down the ramp to the underground parking garage of the apartment building. Bucky could tell that his words were weighing heavily on Sam and that he was putting some serious thought into it before he said anything else.

Soon they were parked back in Sam's spot.

"I'm going to head back up the ramp. I need to call Ella and tell her we got back ok. I'll see you inside."

Bucky told Sam as he pulled his cellphone from his jacket pocket. Sam looked at him.

"Really? Already? We just left! Man, you really do have it bad." Sam joked.

"A promise is a promise. I told her I would call."

Bucky turned towards the ramp that they had come down and walked it up to ground level. He pulled up Ella's number. He still wanted a contact photo for her. He pressed the call button and put the phone up to his ear.

This time she was not so quick to answer.

"Hey, Bucky. Did you guys make it back ok? You didn't wreck on the way home, did you?"

Ella laughed, but she sounded a lot less tired and a lot more flustered. Immediately Bucky was on alert.

"Yeah, we made it back just fine. I'm outside the building right now. Sam's on his way up. Is everything ok? You seem agitated."

Ella sighed on the other end of the line.

"Yeah, everything is fine. It's just work. I'm getting ready to go into the office. I came inside and found over 50 texts, more than 30 missed calls, and 10 voice mails since this afternoon. So much for that time-off request. I'm glad you made it home safely. And I'm even more glad that you called. Part of me was afraid that I would never hear from you again."

Bucky made a frustrated face even though Ella couldn't see.

"Why would I not call you? Why would I never talk to you again? You lost me. And what's going on with work? Can't whatever it is wait until Monday? You deserve a break. Especially after the opening night of your show."

Ella must have picked up on the frustration in his voice.

"It's fine, Bucky. Work is work. And this is of the highest priority at the moment. I want to go in. There's been a break and they need me. I'm kind of the only one who can do this because it's my software. Also, one of my missed calls was from my boss, and I mean the Big Boss. I couldn't ignore it even if I wanted to."

Bucky sighed. Of course, Ella would be going into work right after the opening night of her gallery show. Did he expect anything different?

"Why did you think I wouldn't call you?"

"Isn't it obvious? I thought I really had scared you off and you were just acting like I hadn't. It's called ghosting for a reason. And I did cause you to dissociate and have a PTSD episode in my gallery. There's that too."

Ella sounded ashamed. Her voice was small and quiet. It was obvious that she had stopped whatever she had been doing when she had picked up the phone.

"You didn't make what happened earlier happen. Even if you had, it's not your fault. What I told you before I left was true. Every word of it."

"I took and posted the photo that triggered it. So, by proxy, I did cause it. I still stand by the fact that you need to talk to someone about it. At least let someone know it happened. I was so afraid that I wouldn't be able to pull you out of it. You were pretty deep. I need to know that you are ok."

"If anyone could pull me out of that darkness it would be you."

There was a sharp intake of breath, then silence on the other end of the line.

Bucky said it without thinking and immediately wished he hadn't. It wasn't like he did not mean it; he meant every single word; in every single way that it could be interpreted. He just didn't want to foist that onto Ella right now. That was a huge statement to make. It was a lot to comprehend. And this was all so new.

She still had no idea of the darkness within him.

It only just occurred to Bucky that he and Ella had only really known each other for just over a week. He had been ambiguously aware of her existence for over two years, and acutely aware for just over six months. Things were beginning to move too fast.

Bucky mentally put on the brakes.

"I'm sorry. That came out wrong. I mean that you were able to do it tonight, I do not doubt that you would be able to do it again."

The silence on the other end was broken by a sigh.

"I don't want to have to do that again, Bucky. I will always do it again. And again. And again. If I have to. That does not mean that I want to. Everything you told me about my demons winning the battle, but not the war. That applies to you, too. I hope you know that."

Bucky was slightly speechless by her remembering what he had told her in the gallery. He didn't think his spur-of-the-moment words of wisdom would mean anything.

"I understand. If only taking your own advice was as easy as it is giving it. So, what time are we meeting tomorrow?"

Ella sighed again. This time in a more 'what am I going to do with you' kind of way. Bucky could almost see the look on her face as he quickly changed the subject.

"I'll pick you up. Be ready at 8 pm. Does that sound like a plan?"

"Sounds good to me, Peach. What do you drive?"

Ella laughed.

"Have some patience, Sailor. You'll find out tomorrow. I think you'll get a kick out of it. Now go upstairs, eat something, drink some water, and go to bed."

"As long as you don't work too hard. I want you ready to be swept off your feet tomorrow night."

"Who is saying you haven't done so already? I promise I won't work too hard. I don't sleep much anyway remember?"

It was Bucky's turn to be silenced. So much for thinking he was moving too fast. It seemed as if they both were, even if it seemed that they both were trying desperately not to.

He smiled and bit his lip.

"Good night, Eleonore. Try to get some sleep tonight. And I promise to eat, drink, and try my best to get some sleep as well."

"Good night, James. I will see you tomorrow at 8 pm sharp. No exceptions."

"I am looking forward to it. I will see you then, Peach."

With that, they ended their conversation and Bucky headed up to the apartment. Sam was waiting in the kitchen for him when he walked through the door.

Notes:

If you are not noticing the 8 Mile references by now, you should stop and go watch that movie for Mackie's sake.
Eminem references are abundant in this story, past, present, and future if that had not already been made clear.
Y'all may know him as Sam, I know him as Papa Doc. 3