Chapter 35
Sam began as Bucky was taking off his jacket and his one remaining glove. Pulling the other out of his back pocket.
"I just have a few things to say, then I'm going to bed because I am tired. But I need to say this now."
Sam said as he slid a plate with a sandwich towards Bucky.
"Did you… did you make me a sandwich?" Bucky asked, amazed.
"Yes, I did. Ella's orders. Eat something. I'm not getting you your water."
"Thanks, Sam. What did you need to say?" Bucky was only slightly worried.
"I just wanted to say that since Ella has sauntered into your life, you have changed. Even before we knew her name. Now, I'm not saying that that is a bad thing by any means. It's just that in the last few months you have said more to me than you have in the last few years."
Sam half laughed and then rubbed his hand down his face.
"I have some other things to say and some things I would like to discuss your possible decision to tell her about your past, but it's late and it's been one hell of a long few days. That can wait until tomorrow. Ultimately, I wanted to say you are reminding me of the Bucky that Steve always told me about. Not the person I first met when we saved your ass. You are definitely not the soldier that they turned you into. You're not even the same person you were a year ago."
Sam paused before adding something else.
"You are also not the man who had a different woman on his arm every night."
They both laughed at Sam's last comment. Bucky had to take a moment to mull over Sam's words carefully. He knew he had changed. Something in him had changed. That much had been more than apparent. Was it that obvious to those around him, too? Was he acting that differently? Was this a good thing?
"I feel different. I will never be the same man that Steve knew all those years ago. But I'm still here. I've been through hell, and that changed me, but I'm still me. Maybe something has changed and I'm becoming more of a semblance of the man I used to be. Only with a few added bonuses."
Bucky said with heavy sarcasm as he held up his left hand that glinted in the light of the overhead lights of the kitchen.
"As well as with a few setbacks. The aftereffects of what HYDRA did to me, and everything I did for HYDRA. All I know is that Ella is bringing all of this out in me and I am not sure how to handle it. Whether it's good or bad. Or what is really going on. I'm just kind of going with it."
Sam crossed his arms.
"I like who you are becoming with her around. I'm going to bed. You eat that sandwich that I slaved over or I swear to God I will come after you after I sleep for a few dozen hours."
Sam started to head towards the hallway to head to his room.
"And drink some fucking water! I do not want that woman after me because you didn't drink enough."
Bucky chuckled and smirked. He yelled down the hall to Sam.
"What? Are you afraid of her?"
"Afraid? Fuck no. Intimidated? Fuck yes. Goodnight, asshole."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go sleep for a few dozen hours and leave me in peace."
Bucky ate his sandwich, drank some water, and took a shower. Then he was lying in bed for a while, thinking over everything that had happened that night. Everything they had all gone through, witnessed and shared. he wanted to send Ella a goodnight text.
He grabbed his phone from the bedside table and opened a new text thread. He had never texted Ella and she had never texted him. It seemed that neither of them was into it that much since they always talked over the phone.
"I ate a sandwich that Sam made me. Give him some credit for that, it even surprised me. I drank plenty of water and now I'm heading to bed. Don't work too hard, Peach."
He hit send and set his phone back on the table and laid back onto his pillow. Lost in his thoughts. He almost didn't notice the buzzing coming from it about five minutes later. When he reached over and picked it up and looked at the screen, he saw that it was a multimedia message.
He held the screen above him as he stayed in his position on the bed. The title read "Working Hard or Hardly Working."
When he opened the message, he dropped his phone onto his face. He didn't know what he had been expecting, but a photo of Ella laying on a desk was not it. He quickly recovered, rubbed his now sore nose, and looked closer at the photo.
Ella was reclined on her back on a desk that was piled high with file folders and stacks of papers. In the background, there were multiple monitors. Two desktops, both with three monitor displays and a larger one in the middle of them.
All of the screens showed various graphs, scientific and computer data and information, as well as images that Bucky couldn't make out, even when he zoomed in. The large screen between the two desktops was black besides the time and date in the bottom corner. According to it, this was taken just a few minutes ago.
Bucky took a closer look at Ella. She was dressed in her normal jeans with a black t-shirt. She was reclined on the desk, back arched, and combat boot-clad feet in the air. One leg bent at the knee. Had she been wearing something a little skimpier and sexier she would have been in a typical pin-up model pose.
What was he thinking? She was sexy just like that. And she was a model for crying out loud. He looked at her face that was angled towards the camera and saw her makeup was just as pristine as it had been when they had parted. Her long, straight, hair was splayed across the desk, hanging off the sides.
Bucky just stared for a moment at the photo. He wasn't sure if it was the events of the night, the last few days, or this photo that was causing his momentary lapse in cognitive function. He sloppily typed a reply.
"Did you take that for me? Are you sleeping on the job? Are you shirking your responsibilities? I would hate for the boss to find out."
This time he didn't put his phone back on the bedside table, he set it on his chest. Waiting for her response. It came a moment later.
"No. I took that and sent it to every other guy I'm seeing. Yes, I took it for you. I was feeling stuck so I took a break and did something creative. Thought you might like it. I'm glad you took my advice about getting something to eat and drink. Thank Sam for me in the morning."
Bucky responded immediately, still flustered by the photo. He got a response almost as quickly.
"I'm more than flattered. Is that your office?"
"Yes, it is. As an afterthought, I am sorry for sending that photo. Spur of the moment decision. I don't want to get you all worked up before bed."
It was working him up aright.
"I highly approve of behavior like that, but can't you get into trouble for that?"
"I'm glad you approve. I do not get into trouble. Not when everyone here reports to me. I have my door closed and locked on top of it. Let me also remind you how late it is on a Friday night. I have to get back to work so I can finish up and leave. And you need to get to bed. I want to go dancing and not be dead on our feet."
Bucky smiled at the little screen. Images of Ella and him locked in her office running through his head. He did his best to push out the illicit and explicit thoughts from his mind. They were still far, far from any of that and she was right. Getting worked up before bed was not a good idea, but he had an idea nonetheless.
He smirked as he composed his next message and sent it off.
"You know I was just thinking earlier how I wanted a contact photo for you. And now you have provided me with the perfect one. Thanks! I'm going to bed now. Doctor's orders. Message or call in the morning when you can. I doubt your work will end tonight."
This time took a few more minutes, but the phone buzzed on his chest with Ella's reply.
"You wouldn't dare use that one! Of all the photos I could have sent. Well, I guess that's my fault. It could have been a whole hell of a lot worse. You're right. I'm coming back to keep working. It is always best to follow a doctor's orders. They tend to know best. Even if what they do is called a practice. Get some sleep and I will contact you tomorrow afternoon. Goodnight, James."
Bucky stared at the response and read through it a few times. He laughed quietly at the practice jab. It was the 'it could have been worse' remark that caught his attention. Worse? Worse how? He quickly typed out a final response before setting the phone back onto the bedside table.
"Goodnight, Eleonore."
In the few minutes that he remained awake his mind was full of everything. Everything that had happened on the mission. Everything that they had found, as well as didn't find. The gallery and all of the photos displayed within. Ella and her explanations and revelations about herself and her work.
Her pulling him out of a particularly nasty PSTD flashback. Their conversation outside her door as well as over the phone. The text conversation and the photo she had sent him. There was so much information to go over. So much to think about. And even more to consider and contemplate.
Bucky wasn't sure when he fell asleep, his mind was buzzing with thoughts. But when he did, he was greeted with one of the few dreamless nights he had had since he escaped HYDRA.
The next morning Bucky awoke to his room a lot brighter than he was used to. He checked the clock on his bedside table only to discover it was almost noon.
He sat up and rubbed his eyes. He was groggy as fuck and memories from the night before were slowly coming back to him after a night of dreamless sleep. He felt like he had slept like a rock.
From the looks of his sheets, it also appeared as if he hadn't moved much either. He was far too used to waking up with sheets everywhere. Even wrapped around him sometimes.
It took a few moments, but Bucky finally got his bearings and got out of bed. When he entered the kitchen, he was surprised to find Sam at the breakfast counter doing a crossword puzzle in the paper next to a cup of coffee.
Sam and Bucky both grunted at each other as a form of 'good morning' before Bucky went to make his cup of coffee. He made it a lot stronger today than usual. His mind was still foggy. He was not used to sleeping like that.
With his cup in hand, Bucky made his way to the couch. He sat there staring off into space as he drank his coffee and Sam scribbled away at his puzzle.
It was several minutes before anyone said anything. Bucky was enjoying the silence and the stillness. It was rare that Sam had nothing to say. Although Bucky knew better. He knew that Sam had a lot to say, he just didn't know how to start.
Bucky was more than happy to let him sit there and figure it out.
After about 15 minutes Sam finally found his voice. Or at least the nerve to start this particular conversation.
"What makes you want to tell Ella about your past? And what is your definition of your past?"
Bucky finished his cup and got up to get a fresh one. When he sat back down on the couch he answered plainly.
"I want to tell her about the Winter Soldier. I want to tell her who I really am. I want to tell her who I was before all of that. I want Ella around. It has occurred to me that this is not just some passing fancy. I don't think it's fair to keep something like that from her. I don't like secrets. She deserves to know. Then she can make her own decision on whether I can stick around or not."
Sam looked at him with a furrowed brow. Probably because Bucky was actually talking and having a discussion with him. Sam was beginning to notice that when it came to Ella, he could get Bucky to talk. Like, really talk.
"What if she rejects you? What if you tell her and she never wants to see you again? Do you think she will tell anyone?"
Bucky looked at him with a slightly offended expression.
"I'm not exactly a secret. The Winter Soldier hasn't been a secret for years now. I just do not like advertising it. Hence the long sleeves and the gloves. I'm pretty sure I could get away with the arm, but you know someone eventually would make the connection. How often do people recognize you as The Falcon?"
"That's fair. You did look a lot different back then. The mask and long hair helped. And it is public record now. All of it. Including the fact that you were just a weapon and a puppet that they held the strings to. It's also a good thing that no major news outlets ever got a good shot of you. What if she rejects you? How are you going to handle that?"
Bucky sipped at his coffee as he thought about it. It wasn't like he had not thought about it seriously before. He just didn't know how to verbalize the answer.
"Remember how terrified she was that last night's show would scare me off? How afraid she was of me seeing those parts of her? That's how I feel about telling her everything. Will it suck if she does have that reaction instead of accepting me? Yes, it will. Am I going to let it go and move on? Yes. Eventually. I would rather just get it out of the way now instead of it turning into a 'there was never a good time to tell you' kind of a thing."
Sam stayed silent. Staring at his crossword puzzle but not seeing it. Considering Bucky's words. Bucky kept going. He wanted to get this conversation over with.
"I just want to get the hard part over with. If I have learned anything about Ella it's that she is one strong woman, that she is a force to be reckoned with. If anyone could learn the truth about me, accept it, and keep going. It would be her. I'm just as scared of losing her as she is of losing me. Now it's time to put that to the test. It's now or never."
Sam had looked up from his puzzle and watched Bucky explain this last part. His expression was almost unreadable.
"I agree with you. On all counts. It is smart of you to tell her the truth now. Get it out of the way of whatever it is you two have going. And yeah, if any woman would be able to handle knowing about the Winter Soldier, it's her. Even as a super-soldier I think she could still give you a run for your money after what I saw last night. Are you really scared of her not accepting you?"
"Yes. I am. It is a very real possibility. No matter who it is. No matter what we may think they can handle. You said something last night that hit the nail on the head. I am different now that she walked into my life. She's bringing out a side of me that had been buried for decades. One that I forgot I even had. I don't want to lose that. I don't want to lose her. I don't want her thinking that I'm a monster either. But she deserves to know the truth regardless of how I feel about it."
Sam tilted his head at Bucky. But Bucky didn't notice. He was too busy staring into his coffee cup.
"I think she will accept you. After what I saw last night, there is no way she's just going to up and leave you stranded."
Bucky looked up confused.
"What did you see?"
Sam looked at him critically for a moment before venturing on.
"When you had your episode, I saw it in her eyes. You stiffened up and she immediately stood between you and the photo you were staring at. She knew exactly what was happening. When you went down, she was right there with you. Her actions were cool and calculating. Actions of someone I would expect to have the psychological degrees and experience that she does. But her eyes screamed how scared she was. Her voice carried a definite tone of worry. She wasn't helping just anyone; she was helping someone she cares deeply about."
Bucky looked back into his empty cup.
"She was scared?"
Sam nodded.
"Yeah. That badass bitch that pulled that stunt with those two guys was afraid for you. There was no mistaking it."
Bucky got up from the couch and went to wash his cup in the sink. All the while thinking about what Sam had said. He did not remember what had happened right before or right after his dissociative episode last night. It was somewhat comforting knowing that Ella had been there the whole time. It was disconcerting that he had frightened her. Even if it was for his well-being.
Bucky washed, dried, and put away the cup he had used before he spoke again.
"She pulled me out of a darkness I have trouble getting out of. She is the first person ever to bring me out instead of putting me in."
Bucky did not wait for Sam to respond before turning and heading back to his room to change out of the sweatpants and t-shirt that he had worn to bed.
Once he was dressed in a pair of worn jeans and an old t-shirt, he grabbed his phone and went to the photo Ella had sent him the night before. He saved it and changed her contact photo with a small smile on his face.
As he looked at the photo, a memory from the night before surfaced. He needed to ask Sam something.