Featured Gaelic and Pronunciations:
- Buntàta (boon-tah-tah) - potato
- Buntàta ri ìm (…ree eem) - potatoes with butter
- Sùgh bùntata (soo …) - potato soup/broth
- Mac mo pheathar (mahk moh feh-hehd) - my nephew
- Tha mi cho uasal à thu, mo chuisle (hah mee hoh oo-ah-sahl ah ooh moh hoosh-luh) - I am so proud of you, my blood (familial)
- A chlann (ah klahn) - children
30 July, 1744
The Highlands, Scotland
It was raining, as per usual in the highlands. I was seated by a small creek cradling a crying Archie in my arms while Jamie took Fergus out into the woods to teach him to hunt. "Shh, shh, mo chuisle, tha e ceart gu leòr ," I said to him, but it just wasn't enough. "I know, lamb, ye miss yer brother. I miss mine, too. I ken what it's like te lose my brothers, too." Poor Archie wouldn't stop crying for anything, so I bent down and kissed his little head. "Tell ye what. I've a song te sing ye, but ye cannae sing it fer a few years yet. Or maybe so, if we've stopped the rebellion. This song is aboot two brothers who fought in the uprising. One of 'em, the aulder, was captured and is te be hanged, while the other escaped. This is the song he sang when he said goodbye te his brother." I cleared my throat.
"By yon bonny banks and by yon bonny braes,
Where the sun shines bright on Loch Laomainn,
Where me and my true love were ever wont te gae,
On the bonny, bonny banks of Loch Laomainn…"
I had to raise my voice a little to sing over Archie's crying, but as he heard my voice, he began to calm down a little.
"O, ye'll take the high road and I'll take the low road,
And I'll be in Scotland a'fore ye,
But me and my true love will never meet again,
On the bonny, bonny banks of Loch Laomainn…"
I smiled down at my sweet silver-eyed son, who stopped his crying and looked up at me curiously. I allowed him to grasp my finger as I rocked him slowly in my arms and continued to sing.
"'Twas there that we parted, in yon shady glen,
On the steep, steep, side of Beinn Laomainn,
Where in soft purple hue, the highland hills we view,
And the moon comin' out in the glaoming…
O, ye'll take the high road and I'll take the low road,
And I'll be in Scotland a'fore ye,
But me and my true love will never meet again,
On the bonny, bonny banks of Loch Laomainn…"
I smiled as Archie's little eyes closed, and he dozed off in my arms, sleeping as deeply as bairns did. I bent to kiss his forehead, shielding him from the light rain that pelted us. I had wrapped him up warmly in my Fowlis tartan, though it was summer, but he seemed comfortable, and it was the best I could do, in regards to clothing him. He'd used the last of his cloth diapers, and though I had washed them, I needed them to dry, which was impossible in the rain, so they were beneath a tree resting on the grass.
"The lad's scared all the game away with his cryin'," I heard Jamie said as he and Fergus stomped noisily back into camp.
"Well, hush up, or he'll start cryin' again," I said, adjusting the tartan to cover Archie's face a little better.
"That was a nice song ye were singin'," he said, bending down to kiss my head. "Keep an eye on Fergus, he's prone te wanderin' off," he said with a glance at Fergus, who pretended he didn't hear Jamie. "I need te have a shit."
"Downwind, won't ye? And far away from here," I said as I turned my attention to him.
"I'll shit where I damn well please," Jamie said affectionately, bending down to kiss me, and then he was off. I shook my head and chuckled quietly to myself, then glanced down again at the sleeping infant in my arms.
Looking at Archie was still so hard, but I was grateful to still have him. I had a child to love and to hold, to cherish and protect, to raise to be a wonderful man. Christ, don't think so far ahead, he's only seven months old… He was so beautiful, so perfect. I wanted to hold him in my arms forever and never put him down, but the bigger he got, the more wiggly and mobile he got, so I knew that the days of carrying him bundled up in my tartan were nearing their end. "Ye'll love yer home, weeun. Yer Da grew up there, and he's wanted so badly te raise his family there. I cannae wait fer ye te meet yer Aunt Jenny," I told him, but he was out cold, unable to hear me in dreamland. "Sleep now," I muttered quietly to him, gently brushing my fingers through his red curls. "No one can harm ye when ye sleep."
1 August, 1744
Lallybroch, The Highlands, Scotland
The four of us rode on three horses, Fergus on the smallest, Jamie on the largest, and I on the mare with Archie strapped to my chest using my tartan. Jamie had helped me fashion a sort of sling to hold him with - it kept him close to my chest, and it made feeding him on the journey much easier. Archie was suckling my breast when we came over the hill and saw the top of Lallybroch appear in the distance. We stopped our horses, Jamie and I side by side and Fergus behind us, and Jamie and I both felt our breath catch at the sight.
"Do ye see that, Fergus?" Jamie asked the young lad behind us?
"You mean the rock with windows?" Fergus asked, earning a playful glare from Jamie.
"Lallybroch isnae a rock, it is our home - your home, now, too, laddie," Jamie told him.
"I've never been more relieved te see it," I said with a soft smile. "After everrathing we've been through… Te be home, in Scotland, surrounded by family… I couldnae ask fer anything better."
"I cannae wait te show the lad around," Jamie said, reaching over to reveal Archie's little face, his grey eyes showing that he was in a trance as he suckled. Jamie chuckled warmly at the sight, then covered him up again.
"It's a shame we cannae bring Brian here," I said with melancholy, staring off into the distant mountains behind Lallybroch. "Te be buried among family… But no. He's buried among strangers, nearly a thousand miles away from home."
"I wish we could bring him home, too," Jamie replied. " Tiugainn . Let's go home." He replaced his melancholy expression with a much happier one, then urged his horse forward and towards Lallybroch. Fergus followed, and I lingered behind just for a moment, holding Archie securely in one arm and wiping his mouth with the tartan.
"Are ye ready, mo ghille ?" I asked him. He stared up at me with his little grey eyes and made a noise, reaching up to grab at my nose, so I smiled at him. "I'll take that as a yes." Urging my horse forward, I followed behind Jamie and Fergus, arriving just in time for Jamie to slide off of his horse and assist me down. We stood in the courtyard of Lallybroch and glanced up at the door, where the Fraser crest was visible just above it. Suddenly, the door opened, and emerging from the door was none other than Jenny Fraser Murray, carrying a basket of used linens for washing and shouting over her shoulder.
"Ye jus' wait until yer Da gets back and we'll see if ye think it's so funny then!" she was shouting over her shoulder, and when she turned back to face forward, she froze, dropping the basket at her feet. "Jamie!" she cried.
"Jenny!" Jamie said excitedly, leaving my side to approach his sister. Jenny met him halfway and threw her arms around her brother, who towered a good foot over her and embraced her tightly.
"We didnae expect ye fer another day or so!" Jenny exclaimed with excitement, pulling back from the embrace, and then she turned to look at me, her friendly smile widening. "Catrìona!"
"Jenny," I said, reaching out with one arm to embrace her as she pulled me into a tight hug. Between us, unhappy about being squeezed, Archie whined, surprising Jenny a little bit as she pulled back from the embrace.
"Oh!" she squeaked as I pulled the now fussing Archie out of the sling. "What a sweet, handsome lad!" She held out her hands for him and I handed him right over to his aunt, and right away, Archie's fussy attitude quieted to one of curiosity. "Oh, he looks so much like ye, Jamie! Except he has yer eyes, Catrìona."
"They're slanted like Jamie's, but he does have the Fowlis eyes," I said.
"I never thought I'd be an aunt," said Jenny excitedly as she held her nephew. "I never thought I'd see a bairn of Jamie's! Or at least a legitimate one."
"I am not our grandsire," Jamie told her sternly, and Jenny let out a laugh.
"Never said ye were," she said. "Hello… Archie, is it? I'm so sorry te hear aboot wee Brian. Jamie told me all aboot it when he wrote te me aboot yer comin' home." I nodded slightly, not really wanting to talk about Brian, and then felt a small presence at my side.
"Jenny, this wee laddie here is Fergus. We met in Paris, and we fell in love with that wee cheeky face," I said, playfully pinching Fergus's cheek.
"Well, hello, there, Fergus. I'm Jamie's sister, Jenny," Jenny said to him.
" Bonjour, Madame ," said Fergus, and he opened his mouth to say something else until I gave him a small tug on the ear.
"Watch what ye say," I muttered to him, and he shut his mouth.
"Well, we have plenty of room in the nursery fer both of these lovely lads. Come inside, why don't ye? Rabbie's just brought the first batch of potatoes," Jenny told us, leading our little caravan into the house with Archie tucked comfortably in her arms. "Mrs. Cook! The Laird and Lady have returned!"
"How verra grand!" Mrs. Cook's voice came from the kitchen, and she greeted us cheerfully. She adored Archie from the get-go and offered to take him upstairs to put him down in the nursery, and though I was hesitant at first, I reluctantly agreed, but I had to cling to Jamie's arm to keep from following her.
"Ian and I had another bairn. We called her Katherine - Kitty, for short," Jenny told us.
"Three now? Ye've go' full hands," Jamie teased his sister, and she was about to retaliate when young Rabbie ran in, followed by Young Jamie, carrying a basket of dirty, earthy potatoes.
"Auntie Cat! Uncle Jamie!" Young Jamie exclaimed when he saw us, running to us both and attaching himself to our legs.
"Hello, wee laddie!" Jamie exclaimed when he saw his nephew, picking him up and kissing his little face.
"Look, Mrs. Murray, look! There's so many!" Rabbie exclaimed excitedly as he dumped the potatoes onto the table.
"Goodness!" Jenny exclaimed, not having expected Rabbie to dump them onto the table.
"They're so big!" Rabbie exclaimed. "Look, Mrs. Fraser!"
"My goodness, Rabbie, they sure are," I said as I joined him at the table to look at the potatoes.
"Can we eat them tonight?" asked Rabbie as Young Jamie suddenly poked his head up over the side of the table, the older Jamie joining me by my side and sitting on the surface of the table.
"I dinnae see why not," I said as Jamie picked up one of the potatoes and examined it.
"A grand potato, if I ever saw one," said Jamie.
"Ye've never seen one! Not in Fraser land. Not 'til now," Jenny told him. "Ye we're right tellin' us te plant them, Catrìona. 'Tis a fine crop!"
"I dinnae see how ye'd ever grind them fer parritch," said Jamie as he continued to look at the potato.
"Ye dinnae grind them. Ye boil them, mash 'em up with salt and butter, maybe milk as well, and make a good mash," I told him, and he raised his eyebrow at me.
"I didnae ken ye could cook, Eileanach ," Jamie told me.
"I dinnae ken if I can cook, but I can certainly boil a potato," I said as I picked up the potato and turned to Young Jamie and Rabbie. "Do ye ken the Gaelic word fer this?" They shook their heads. " Buntàta ."
" Buntàta ," Rabbie repeated.
" Buntàta? " Jenny asked.
"Aye, nothin' better than buntàta ri ìm , or sùgh buntàta ," I told them.
"Then we'll have a feast! Come on, lads, help me wash all the dirt off of these things," Jenny said as she collected the potatoes back into the basket, then she and the lads left, leaving Jamie and I by ourselves. He pulled me closer to him, standing now between his knees as he held me around my lower back.
"Ye look at peace here," he told me suddenly.
"I am," I replied, my hands resting on his shoulders. "I'm tired, though… I dinnae want Archie te sleep in the nursery. I want te keep him with us, if… if tha's all right with you."
"Fer a bit, I suppose. I cannae blame ye fer bein' worried aboot him, but I'll not let ye coddle the lad, or he'll never grow into a man," Jamie told me.
"That willnae be fer some time," I said, and then I let out a sigh. "I do love it here… but a part of me was hopin' we could live on our own. Just the four of us. You, me, Fergus and Archie."
"Perhaps someday, we will, but this is our home. I am Laird of this estate, and you are my Lady. This is where we belong," Jamie told me. "Dinnae fash, mo nighean . Everrathing will be all right." He gave me a smile, then leaned forward to kiss me. I knew the days following what had happened in Paris were going to be hard, so all I could do was hope that, with time, I would recover.
Autumn - Winter, 1744
For the next year or so, things for our little family felt almost normal. Fergus made friends with Rabbie and the pair of them were always up to something, and Young Jamie, who was nearing five, badly wanted to be a part of everything that they did whether they wanted him or not. Cailean returned in October, and with his return, my family finally felt as complete as it was likely to get. Little Maggie turned one in November, and then Archie's first birthday was next - and Brian's, a day he never saw.
On Samhain, I lit a candle specifically for Brian, leaving a small little toy that he had been given in Paris beside it. It was the closest I had felt to my lost son since before he'd passed, and Jamie was very supportive of it.
Speaking of Jamie, for a bit, we didn't really touch each other, but perhaps in mid-August, when he was out on the fields with Ian, I suddenly felt an urge for him - I needed him - so I told Jenny to tell him I was lying in bed with a headache. When he'd returned and came to check on me, I pulled him into the bed beside me, crawling on top of him and tugging at his clothes. "Ye dinnae have a headache at all, do ye?" he asked me.
"Nope," I said, burying my lips in his neck. I was in my shift, so he was quick to pull it up, expose my lower half and fondle my buttocks as I sucked on his neck, earning a soft moan from him.
"Christ, I want ye so bad," he said to me. "I've wanted ye so bad fer so long…" He flipped us over so that I was now lying on my back and untied the laces of my shift, pulling it down my shoulders and attaching his lips to my nipple. With my hand in his hair, gripping his red curls firmly, I pulled at his shirt until he got the hint to remove it, then undid the belt of his kilt and tossed it aside.
"Take me," I said. "Take me right now ." And he did. With one thrust, he was inside me, and though it caused a bit of pain, I didn't care because I was already so aroused and in desperate need of him. To hold him in my arms again, to have him inside me again… I vowed to never push him away like that again.
In the eighteenth century, birthdays weren't really celebrated - mentioned, maybe, but not celebrated. For Archie's first birthday on the twenty-first of December, however, we did hold a little celebration, both for his life and for the life that Brian could have had. Throughout the day, I couldn't help but find myself needing moments by myself, sometimes to cry, sometimes because I just wanted to be alone. For one instance, I was outside, the snowflakes signifying the first day of winter falling into my hair and onto my cloak. I sat on the steps outside of the front door intending to be alone, but when the door opened, I realised that I wouldn't be.
"What are ye doin' out here?" Jenny asked me as she stood over me.
"I'm sorry," I said. "It's just… hard. Brian would have been one year old today, but he didnae get that chance."
"I dinnae ken the pain of losin' a bairn, and I hope that I never do… but I can only imagine how much yer hurtin'," Jenny told me, sitting down on the steps beside me. "He kens ye love him. Mam always said that a bairn in God's hands can feel his mother's love even in Heaven. She said tha's how strong a mother's love is."
"I wish I had my mother," I told her. "She died when I was fifteen, same as my father, and mine and Cailean's younger brothers. I dinnae ken how I'm managin' te get through this without her."
"She kens ye have Jamie, and she kens he's takin' the best care of ye," Jenny told me, and I couldn't help but smile.
"He is. He's doin' a damn good job of carin' fer me and fer Archie. I hope yer Mam kens what a good man he's become," I said.
"She kens," Jenny replied.
Hogmanay came, marking the end of 1744 and the start of 1745. We had our own little cèilidh to celebrate the struggles of 1744 that we had overcome, hoping for a better year in 1745. Cailean and I provided a bit of music, as did some other local musicians, and there was a lot of dancing, laughter, joy and overall happiness. Even I couldn't keep from the joyful laughter that infected the place like a warm and happy plague. Soon, it came time for the girls to peel their oranges and toss them over their shoulders to see what letter the first name of their soulmate started with, depending on how the peel landed, and there was an overall chatter of it a letter was a J or a C, if it was a W or an M… It was such a happy day.
As the celebrations began to wind down, I took Jamie by the hand and dragged him outside into the snow, pushing him up against the side of the house to kiss him. "Mmm, I've been waitin' fer that all day," I told him, and he chuckled.
"Ye could have told me ye wanted te come out fer a kiss," Jamie told me, kissing me again. He kissed me deeply, one hand snaking its way around my waist, the other caressing my cheek, while my arms wrapped tightly around his neck and held him close to me. When he broke the kiss, he pressed his forehead against mine, the pair of us simply enjoying the moment. "I love you."
"I love ye, too," I told him. "I love ye so much, Jamie… Everrathing we've been through, no matter how bad it has been, I wouldnae change anything fer the world. What we've been through has made us stronger, brought us closer… Solidified the fact that you are my soulmate. I dinnae think words exist fer me te properly describe how much I love ye."
"'It lies not in our power te love or hate, Fer will in us is overruled by fate'," Jamie began to say, seeming to recite a poem. "'When two are stripped, long ere the course begin, We wish tha' one should love, the other win'." He pushed against me to leave the wall, then picked me up, carrying me to a snow-capped barrel and sitting me on the top of it.
"Tha's cold!" I squeaked when my bum felt the wet coldness of the snow seeping through my dress, but Jamie only smiled.
"'And one especially do we affect Of two gold ingots, like in each respect'," Jamie continued, drawing closer to me. "The reason no man kens; let it suffice'." He began to pull up my skirts, setting them to fall on either side of his hips like a waterfall. "'What we behold is censured by our eyes…'" With his eyes still on mine, he lifted his kilt, taking his member in his hand and lining it up with my entrance. "'Where both deliberate, the love is slight…'" He entered me slowly, resulting in a small moan of pleasure from me, then drew nearer to me, his breath tickling the sensitive skin of my ear. "'Who ever loved, that loved not at first sight?'"
"Oh, Jamie," I moaned breathlessly as he moved within me, one hand firmly in his hair, the other wrapped tightly around him, holding him to me. "Jamie… My Jamie…" He didn't say anything except for the occasional grunt and groan, and when he came inside of me, the warmth of his fluids flooding me until I could feel the cold no more, I let out a soft sigh. For what felt like an eternity, we stayed that way, him still inside me and I holding him to my chest, his soft red curls tickling my nose.
"Ye dinnae need words te tell me ye love me," he said to me softly. "Though it is nice." He kissed the side of my face, then my ear.
"If ye dinnae need words, then what was that poem ye were recitin'?" I asked him, teasing him.
"Christopher Marlowe, not me," Jamie replied, pulling away to look at me. "'Who Ever Loved That Loved Not At First Sight'. A personal favourite of mine."
"I think it'll be mine as well," I said. "I do have another, by an American poet who isnae even alive yet. His work doesnae exist yet, willnae fer another hundred years or so, but that doesnae change its power. 'But our love, it was stronger by far than the love Of those who were older than we, Of many far wiser than we— And neither the angels in Heaven above Nor the demons down under the sea Can ever dissever my soul from the soul Of the beautiful Annabel Lee'."
"Tha's verra lovely," Jamie told me. "Who was the poet?"
"Edgar Allen Poe," I replied.
"He sounds a verra romantic man."
"Somethin' like tha'," I said. "Then there's also 'Sonnet 43' by Elizabeth Barrett Browning. It was my mother's favourite, and she recited it as her wedding vows te my father. 'How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I love thee te the depth and breadth and height My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight Fer the ends of Being and ideal Grace. I love thee to the level of everraday's Most quiet need, by sun and candlelight. I love thee freely, as men strive fer Right; I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise. I love thee with the passion put te use In my auld griefs, and with my childhood's faith. I love thee with a love I seemed to lose With my lost saints — I love thee with the breath, Smiles, tears of all my life — and, if God choose, I shall love thee better after death." Jamie smiled and bent forward to kiss me.
"I like that one a lot. Is this Mistress Browning alive in this time?" he asked me.
"No, like Mr. Poe, she also willnae come fer another century," I told him. "What do ye think of this one? 'Let my love grow stronger, Like the waves of the sea when the heavy winds Of a storm do push them to shore. Let my love grow taller, Like the swells of the ocean waves When the moon carries the tide. Let my love be vast, Like the vast depths of the sea, Deep and unknown, With lots te explore, For my love fer you is like the sea, And I do, indeed, love the sea.'."
"I like that one a lot, too," Jamie told me, kissing me again. "Who wrote that one?"
"Me, just now," I told him, and he chuckled.
"Oh, did ye now?" he said. "I've no talent fer poetry, but I do hope ye ken that my love fer yer runs as deep as the sea." He kissed me again, holding me tighter against his chest. He leaned me back just a bit and I tilted my head to give him better access to my neck. Suddenly, inside, we could hear the cheering and celebrations of the guests and our family ringing in the new year, and I pulled back from the embrace to take Jamie's face in my hands.
"Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought te mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And auld lang syne?"
Winter - Spring, 1745
By mid-January, Archie was taking his first steps. We discovered this when Cailean, Jamie and I were both in the study reading over some letters we received from France, from Louise telling us all about the birth of her son, Henri, to Charles moaning about yet another misadventure with women, to teasing Cailean about a private letter from Annalise, to letters about the wine business from Jared. Suddenly, we all heard a little shuffling noise and a small grunt, and when we looked up, we were shocked to see Archie leaning against the doorframe standing on both feet.
"Archie!" I exclaimed. "Are ye walkin'? Come here, a leannan! " I knelt down and held out my arms to him, and with one adorable little giggle, Archie let go of the doorframe and wobbled over to me, collapsing into my arms. I lifted him up and kissed his little face while Cailean and Jamie gave a small cheer for the lad.
"Look at that, mac mo pheathar ! Yer growin' up fast! Before ye ken it, he'll be a man before yer verra eyes," Cailean said excitedly as Jamie stood to take Archie into his arms and toss his giggling son into the air.
"I'm proud of ye, mo ghille , but slow yer growin' down!" Jamie exclaimed playfully, holding his formerly infant, now toddler son tightly in his arms.
My twenty-fourth birthday passed, as did Cailean's twenty-second. One of the lasses from Broch Mordha came and brought him a gift - a cloak she had made for him, and he was very touched to have received it. I, on the other hand, received a very passionate lovemaking session from my absolutely wonderful husband. "Makin' up fer last year," he said as he took me for a second round.
The end of March saw Archie trying to say his first words as he toddled over to me while Jenny was trying to teach me how to knit. "Ma! Up!" he exclaimed, raising his little arms up to me.
"Tha's right! I am yer Ma, my wee laddie!" I exclaimed, picking him up as he requested and holding him on my lap. I kissed his sweet little cheek as he giggled and grabbed at Jenny's offered hand.
"Look at ye, growin' so fast!" she said to her nephew, who was loving all the attention. I heard footsteps in the corridor and suddenly, Jamie and Ian appeared in the doorframe seeming concerned.
"We heard screamin'. Is everrathing all right?" Ian asked us, and Jenny and I couldn't help but exchange a laugh. I stood up with Archie, who was growing so big, resting on my hip and brought him to Jamie.
"Who's this, my lamb?" I asked, pointing to Jamie, and Archie mimicked me by pointing at his father.
"Da!" he exclaimed, surprising Jamie. "Da! Da! Up!" He bounced in my arms and reached for his father, who took him with pride and kissed his face.
" Tha mi cho uasal à thu, mo chuisle! " he said to his son, saying that he was proud of him.
"Da!" Archie said again, learning that every time he said one of our names, he earned attention, affection and excitement, three of his favourite things from us - minus snacks, of course.
"I think tha' earns him a cranachan, aye?" I asked. "I asked Mrs. Cook te make a few this mornin'. Had a cravin' fer 'em." A cranachan was a Scottish dessert, almost like a parfait made from layers of whipped cream, strawberries, raspberries, oats and honey, and it was a favourite among the Fraser-Murray household. I had introduced the recipe to them when we were here in October of '43 and they absolutely fell in love with it, and needless to say, it was Archie's favourite dessert. He clapped his hands excitedly when he heard me say the word.
In early April, Cailean and I received a letter from Alasdair Fraser asking how we were and announcing the birth of his son, Friseal Cailean James MacNeil Fowlis, and we couldn't be more excited, nor touched. We told him as much, explaining how thrilled we were with him accepting us into his family, and also couldn't help but ask after our grandsire, who we still hadn't heard from. I supposed Alasdair thought it best not to mention us to him and let us decide if we wanted to come to Barra or not. "Someday, maybe," Cailean said when I made the observation. "If we put a stop te the rebellion and things stay safe, I think I'd like te go and meet him."
"Me, too," I said. "He'll probably want te make ye his heir. Ye are the son of his heir." Cailean let out a sigh. "Ye ken… Da showed me the family tree once, and told me the history of Cìosamul Castle… The 8th Laird of Cìosamul was named Cailean Fowlis."
"Aye, I ken. Da said he named me after him. It cannae be me, it's already set in stone," Cailean replied.
"Are ye sure aboot that?" I asked him. "I dinnae ken ever hearin' Alasdair or his son say anythin' aboot another Cailean Fowlis."
"I dinnae ken, but I'm no' fit te be Laird. I like bein' free te do as I please, go where I wish. Not havin' the weight of the world on my shoulders," Cailean replied as he looked down again at the letter.
"Yer young now. That may change when ye get older," I said, but he shook his head.
"Not if I can help it," he told me, clearly set in his mind. If there was one thing Cailean and I had in common, it was our typical Fowlis stubbornness. Once we'd made up our minds, they were set in stone, and there would be no changing them. Not unless some outside influence took a chisel and changed it themselves, as Jamie had done for me. "Besides, I think our cousin is next in line. I thought it was Alasdair, but I think he was sayin' tha' te intimidate us when he didnae ken us. I also thought Aunt Maisie only had daughters?"
"I thought so, too," I replied. "Perhaps it was a misprint or Da couldnae read the handwritin'. He was gone by the time Aunt Maisie had her children, judgin' by their ages."
In mid-April, I was outside doing the washing with Young Jamie, Maggie, who was only a month or so older than Archie, Archie, Fergus and Rabbie sitting around either helping me or watching me. It was a warm day, and they were all entranced by me washing the linens on the washing board. I couldn't help but chuckle to myself. "Ye ken," I said to them. "In some parts of the Highlands, and the islands as well - tha's where I come from - they sing songs when they're doin' the washin' or the waulkin'."
"They waulk in Broch Mordha!" Young Jamie exclaimed.
"That they do! So ye've heard the songs?" I asked him.
"Uh-huh! Da takes me sometimes and I see all the ladies with the wool," said Young Jamie.
"What is this 'waulking'? It is like marche à pied , no?" Fergus asked in his little French accent.
"No, ye frog! It's when women set the dye in the wool! They do it in wee!" Rabbie told him.
"We dinnae have te resort te name-callin', Rabbie MacNab," I told him sternly.
"What is 'wee'?" Fergus asked me with confusion, ignoring Rabbie.
"Urine," I said, and couldn't help but chuckle at the look on his face. "Dinnae fash, I'll no' wash yer linens in urine. But anyway, back te what I was sayin'. So, some of ye have heard a waulkin' song, but have ye heard a Hebridean waulkin' song?" They shook their little heads, curls bouncing all about, and I started going into the same song I once sung to Brian when he suffered from the croup:
"Latha bha n' Ridire ag òl,
Hò rò hùg a hùg o,
'San taigh-òsd', e fhèin s' a bhean,
Hùg a bhi a, seinn tug ho ro.
'San taigh-òsd', e fhèin s' a bhean,
Hò rò hùg a hùg o,
Ridire gun gheàrr e mheur,
Hùg a bhi a, seinn tug ho ro."
"That's a silly song!" Young Jamie exclaimed.
"It is! Why don't ye all sing along with me, aye?" I said, and then I continued.
"Ridire gun gheàrr e mheur,
Hò rò, hùg a hùg o
Gus na rànaig e 'n cnàimh glas;
Hùg a bhi a, seinn tug ho ro."
"Are ye ready? Come on, a chlann !" I said as I picked up the song again.
"Gus na rànaig e 'n cnàimh glas… "
"Hò rò, hùg a hùg o ," sang Young Jamie and Rabbie, and Maggie stared at them with wide eyes.
"Dh'fhalbh an fhuil 'na struth gu làr… "
"Hùg a bhi a, seinn tug ho ro, " sang the lads.
" Sgoinneil! " I said, and noticed suddenly how Young Jamie's and Maggie's faces suddenly brightened up and they jumped up and ran past me - or rather, Young Jamie ran and Maggie toddled - and I turned to see that Ian and my Jamie had returned from the fields. Ian held his arms out for his children and embraced them, Jamie looking on with amusement. "Archie, look! There's yer Da!" I said to my son, who was more interested in a bug that was crawling on the ground than his own father. I couldn't help but chuckle, so I picked him up and set him on my hip, turning to find Jamie approaching me. "There ye are! I missed ye, mo chridhe ," I said, embracing him one-armed and accepting a kiss.
"I missed ye, too," he said, and then he ruffled Archie's hair. "Feasgar math, mo ghille ruadh ! And how's my wee laddie, aye?"
"Da!" said Archie, finally interested in his father as Jamie took him from my arms and gave his little rounded cheek a quick kiss. I loved seeing the two of them together - father and son, nearly identical, save for Archie's grey eyes and Jamie's blue ones. Jamie was such a devoted father, and he clearly loved his son more than anything in the world.
Later that same evening, after we had gone to kiss Archie goodnight - as he got bigger, we had no choice but to move him back into the nursery - Jamie and I were getting ready for bed when suddenly, he cleared his throat. "I dinnae want te make assumptions, but… I ken tha'… the last time I made this… observation, I was correct," he said.
"Aye? And wha's tha'?" I asked him curiously.
"Well, er… Yer, erm… courses , they… I havenae seen them in some time," he told me awkwardly, and I raised my eyebrow.
"No?" I said, realising that I hadn't seen them in some time, either. "When… When do ye last remember seein' 'em?"
"Before Hogmanay, I think… December," he replied, surprising me a little.
" That long?" I asked, and he nodded. "I… I didnae even notice, I… Blessed Bride…" I suddenly rested my hand on my abdomen, feeling that it was a little tighter, then stood up, ripped off my shift and stood naked in front of the mirror, turning to my side to see that I indeed did have a small bump. "Blessed Bride…" I could see Jamie's reflection in the mirror and his eyes were wide, then watched as he approached me and placed his hand on my abdomen. "That… Tha' means I'm… four months…"
"Another bairn," said Jamie with pride, and then he smiled at me. "We've another bairn comin' along!"
"A bit of a surprise, if I dinnae say so myself," I said with amusement, looking down at my belly. "Ye snuck up on us, did ye no', weeun?" Jamie let out a laugh, then pulled me into his arms and kissed my head.
"Archie'll have a wee brother or sister soon te protect," he said, and then he pulled back to look down again at my belly, getting down onto his knees to kiss it. "I never had a younger sibling… I was the youngest."
"I had many, they're a pain in the arse," I said with amusement. "Actually, ye do. Cailean's yer brother, no?"
"Aye, I suppose he is, and yer right. He is a pain in the arse," said Jamie with a chuckle. He paused suddenly, running over one of the many scars that peppered my body. "I dinnae remember seein' this…"
"Seein' what?" I asked, looking at the scar in question. "What, that? Tha's huge! How have ye no' seen it?"
"In my defense, I'm no' lookin' at yer belly when yer naked," he told me, and I playfully shoved him. "I did when ye were pregnant with the lads! But I didnae see this one before."
"It's a bit new," I said. "I… I think it was when I miscarried. Master Raymond came when I wasnae gettin' better. I didnae see and I was awful delirious, so he must have cut it out." I paused for a moment. "I had strange dreams… I was back in my time, in hospital. Hospitals then arenae like they are now… Bright lights, machines tha' monitor vital signs… I saw a friend of mine. Maidie Mackenzie. She's a nurse I met at the Battle of Pitlochry, the year before I disappeared. I'd gone te serve as a medic and she was there, too. A Welsh lass whose parents fought in the first rebellion."
"Aye?" Jamie asked me.
"It was verra strange. I saw Mother Hildegard dressed like a doctor in my time, and Monsieur Forez, too - he's King Louis's royal executioner - and Master Raymond, and… and Tom. They… In the dream, they said I'd had an ectopic pregnancy - tha' means the foetus is growin' outside of my womb - and it had te be removed surgically. Perhaps tha's what Master Raymond was doin'," I said, and then I froze. "But… how would he even ken how? They dinnae ken what an ectopic pregnancy is in this time?"
"I cannae say," Jamie told me, and then he kissed my belly, and the bairn growing within me, and stood, pushing me to walk backwards to the windowsill. "What I can say is tha' I want te lavish ye… I want te taste ye, please ye…" He picked me up and sat me down on the windowsill, bending to kiss me. "Lean back and relax," he whispered to me. I did as he was told, moaning in ecstasy when I felt his tongue brush my folds.
Everyone in the family was thrilled to hear that Jamie and I were expecting again and Jenny was already throwing family names at me. "Fer a girl, we have Ellen, Jocasta, Janet - dinnae give me tha' look, it's no' just me, I'm named fer me aunt - Anne as well…" she was saying. She was so excited that Jamie and I were sharing this experience with her, and she told me in private that she badly wanted to return the favour of my being such a big part of her pregnancy with Maggie by being a big part of mine. A week later, however, that dream was crushed, as I awoke to pains and lying in a puddle of my own blood. When Jamie returned, he found me sitting over a chamber pot with my face buried in my hands, Jenny rubbing my back in a comforting manner.
"Maybe Archie doesnae need te be a big brother now," I'd said to Jamie that night as he held me. "He seems te enjoy bein' the first love in our lives…"
"Someday soon, he will be," Jamie replied, giving me a gentle kiss on my shoulder. "And he'll be the best big brother a lad or lass could ask for." It took some time for me to recover from this second miscarriage, and I added a second unnamed child to the list of children I'd lost. Well, it wasn't unnamed … Privately, to myself, I had named both of the bairns I'd lost. I called the first one Thomas, believing him to be a boy - named after Tom, yes, but I never revealed that I'd given him a name - and I called this second one Eilidh, after my mother. Those were the names that I referred to when I prayed to Rhiannon for their protection, along with Brian, in the afterlife.
8 June, 1745
I was helping Jenny with the washing again in the yard, the pair of us washing the linens while the children played and chased each other. Rabbie, Fergus and Young Jamie were each on each other's heels playing pirate while Maggie jostled around a little doll and Archie chased insects around in the dirt. I couldn't help but chuckle softly to myself watching my young red-haired lad run around chasing butterflies with a stick. Jamie came down the front steps carrying a notebook in his hand - the ledger for the last Quarter Day - when he nearly stepped in Jenny's washing bucket. "Oi!" she snapped, smacking his leg and surprising him. "Watch where yer goin', ye clotheid! Ye nearly overturned my washin'!"
"Sorry!" Jamie exclaimed with surprise, dodging a second swing from his sister.
"Careful, or she'll be rubbin' you against that washboard," I said as I wrung out a shirt and hung it to dry on the line. "Archie!" I called when I saw him approaching the well. "Dinnae go near that! I'll no' have ye in the drink like Fergus was las' week!" I said, giving Fergus a look, and his young cheeks flushed pink.
"Come here, lad!" Jamie called to his son, and little Archie toddled over to his father carrying his little stick, thrilled to be picked up by his father. Watching the two of them, I couldn't help but let out a sigh, which Jenny noticed.
"Are ye all right? Ye look done in, Catrìona," she said to me, noticing my expression.
"Fine, it's just… Two days from now marks a year since Brian's death… I could be watchin' the two of 'em givin' Jamie a run fer his money, but instead… Instead it's only Archie chasin' insects, tryin' te eat earthworms and wanderin' too close te the well, while Brian is buried underground in some distant land, nowhere near his loved ones or his home," I explained.
"Puir lad," said Jenny. "He'd be glad te see his brother thrivin', I'm sure. Glad te see his Mam doin' well and his Da happy." I couldn't help but smile and nodded.
"I'm sure he is," I said. Young Jamie again called out to his father, who appeared in the entrance to the yard, and now Archie wiggled in his father's arms wanting to follow Young Jamie - as he liked to do whatever it was that Young Jamie did - and Jamie followed him.
"Ian," he said. "How's the land?"
"Hot," Ian replied, wiping a bit of sweat from his forehead. "I could use a bit of water, maybe a dram of whisky."
"Wipe yer feet and take off yer filthy boots before ye tramp all over my rug," Jenny told him firmly, and Ian couldn't help but chuckle.
"Come along, lads. Ye can help me scrub my boots clean," Ian said to his son and his nephew, who seemed quite partial to the idea. "I ran into Hector on the way up."
"Got the post from him, aye?" Jenny asked as Ian approached the front steps, sitting down to take off his single boot and wipe the bottom of his wooden leg, and he pulled some parcels and letters from his bag.
"Aye, I did," he said. "Catrìona, this one's fer you." He handed me the largest parcel, which was quite heavy. "Cailean has one, too. Wherever he is."
"With Miss MacBrady, I'm sure," Jamie said with a chuckle, and Ian set that letter aside.
"Bill fer the seed… Jenny, this one's from yer Aunt Jocasta," Ian said, handing her the letter from Jocasta Cameron, Jenny and Jamie's aunt.
"Good, we havenae heard from her in a while," said Jenny, stuffing the letter into her corset. "What aboot the ploughshare? Did ye get tha' fixed yet?"
"Smitty says it cannae be fixed, it's broken straight through. Cannae be reforged, either," Ian replied.
"I'll have a look at it before we get a new one," Jamie said.
"Ah, here's a letter fer you, Jamie," Ian said, handing Jamie one of the letters. "We'll have te hand-till until we get a new one, Jenny."
"Wonderful," Jenny replied sarcastically.
"Oh, this is from Louise," I said as I opened the package, finding three French novels and another book of poetry. "She says her son is doin' well, he's the jewel of his father's eye."
"Good fer her," Jenny answered, returning to the washing. I glanced up at Jamie, noticing that his face had gone sour as he read the letter he received.
"What is it, mo chridhe? " I asked him. "Who's it from?"
"Charles," Jamie replied, not looking at me. "It's not a letter specifically te me , but…" He cleared his throat. "It… It's a declaration. It declares the Stuart's divine right te the throne of Britain, supported by the chiefs of the Highland clans, signed by those plegdin' loyalty te Charles Stuart." I got up then and approached him, looking down at the letter in question.
"McKinnon, Oliphant, MacDonald of Glencoe…" I read, and then I froze when my eyes fell on one particular signature. "James Alexander Malcom Mackenzie Fraser… Jesus bloody Christ, he's forged yer signature! And Cailean's, too!"
"Aye, he has," said Jamie. "This was published, distributed… The names on this document are traitors te the Crown."
25 July, 1745
Jamie had to be very careful, laying low whenever English soldiers were spotted in the area. We talked about leaving, maybe going to Ireland or the colonies, even to my family on Barra, but Jamie was too concerned about Jenny, Ian and the bairns, as well as the tenants. He didn't want to leave them at the mercy of the English butchers, and frankly, I couldn't blame him.
"Charles has landed in Scotland. Eriskay. He's gatherin' an army," Jamie told me urgently when he and Cailean found me and Archie in the herb garden.
"Yer kidding," I said.
"Nope, landed two days ago," Cailean chimed in.
"So it's all comin' te pass… The risin', Culloden, the clearances…" I said, and I glanced around at the familiar calm of Lallybroch. "All of this…"
"So it seems," Jamie replied. I tightened my grip on Archie, who fussed a little.
"We cannae stay," I said. "Before when it was just the document, it could have been easy te say that yer signature had been forged, but now… With Charles in Scotland, that declaration becomes an attack on the English crown, and yer name on that document brands ye as a traitor. Jamie, they'll hang ye if they catch ye!"
"Do ye think I dinnae ken tha'?" he asked me, and I stood and approached him.
"We ken what'll happen if the Jacobites lose," Cailean observed. "But… What if they win?"
"They don't, Cailean. Ye ken tha' well. It's the verdict of history," I told him.
"Have ye given up tryin' te change the future, a nighean ?" Jamie asked me.
"After Paris, wouldn't you ?" I asked him.
"Aye, Paris was a disaster fer certain, but the future can be changed. Ye've proven tha', both of ye," Jamie told us. "I live because of Cailean's actions in our days at the borders. An outbreak of smallpox was prevented in Paris because of ye, and Louise de Rohan has born Charles Stuart's son because of ye."
"Are ye sayin' ye want te fight fer Charles?" I asked him.
"Fight fer our family, and fer all of Scotland," Jamie replied. "I cannae see any other way. Can you?"
"No," Cailean answered honestly, and I let out a sigh.
"No, I cannae either," I said. "They say the definition of insanity is doin' somethin' over and over again and expectin' a different result. We've tried thwartin' Charles several times, and failed each time."
"I dinnae ken who 'they' are, but I'll wager they've no' travelled through time, aye?" Jamie chimed in, and then he looked at Cailean. "Are ye with me, brother?"
"Until the end," Cailean told him after a moment. "We're in this now." And so we were. We'd failed to stop Charles and the uprising, failed to prevent thousands of lives being needlessly lost. I started to wonder if Murtagh's reasoning for killing him had something to it, but of course, there was always the possibility of being in the same boat we were in now no matter what. I held Archie close to me, fear gripping my heart. I could lose Jamie, I could lose Cailean… I could lose everything I had fought so hard to keep, and frankly, that scared the shit out of me.