Though my first language is German, I usually write in English, so I'm used to writing in another language. Still I'm not used writing in an older version of the language, as spoken in Downton Abbey. I'll try my best but please don't hate me if something said by the characters sounds more modern than in the series :)
They walked in silence.
Only crickets were heard in the dark night as well as the sound of their foot steps.
They were holding hands and Bates was relieved. Finally. Finally she let him touch her again.
It was so quiet, Anna could hear her own heart pulsating in her ears.
He knew. Her husband knew what had happened to her and he was still with her. He still loved her. Still wanted her.
They didn't say a word as they entered the cottage, nor as Mr. Bates started lighting the candles.
Only as every candle was lit, they sat down opposite of each other.
Mr. Bates took her hands in his and looked deep into her eyes. "I understand you don't want to talk about it," he said quietly, "but you must understand why I forced Mrs. Hughes to tell me."
Anna nodded. "How did you force her, even?" she asked carefully.
"I don't want to tell you, love. It would probably hurt you."
"John," Anna sighed and he knew it was serious once she didn't use "Mr. Bates" to address him. "No more secrets."
"Alright," Mr. Bates said and squeezed her hands. "I told her I would leave if she didn't tell me."
"Oh." Anna's voice was small.
"Yes. I would have been gone the day you had returned."
Anna swallowed. For a while she didn't say anything, then she whispered, "Wow. Now I'm ... I'm glad Mrs. Hughes told you. It would have killed me if you had left."
"I know that know and I'm sorry. So very sorry I would have caused you even more pain. But I thought you didn't love me anymore."
"We really need to start talking more," Anna said quietly and looked at her husband. "Love alone isn't enough for a marriage. We need to be honest, share everything. We need better communication."
"I agree," Mr. Bates replied. "You should tell me who it was."
"I know who it was as much as you do," she sighed, avoiding her husband's eyes.
And Bates wanted to believe her, he really did. But he simply couldn't buy the story about some man breaking into the abbey and waiting for her. Why would someone breaking into somewhere wait for anyone?
If he was a burglar, why hadn't he hid until Anna had vanished upstairs again?
And if he was a rapist, how could he have been sure that a woman would have come down? What would he have done if Mr. Carson had come down? Kill him?
The story made no sense to him and the more he thought about it, the more he was sure that it had been Mr. Green.
"Okay. I believe you," he said gently and brought his wife's hands to his lips to kiss them. "We should sleep now, we've been through an exhausting day ... and some exhausting weeks."
"I'll be sleeping like a baby next to you," Anna said, her cheeks darker than usual. Finally. For weeks she had ran around with the colour of a ghost.
"Me too. I've been anxiously waiting to have you by my side again at night."
"I was stupid to move out. I'm so sorry," Anna said quietly as they stood up to walk upstairs. Bates took her hand in his and squeezed it gently.
"I understand you now. You've told me how you were feeling. I truly understand you."
Anna turned around on the stairs, looking at her husband. "You understand that I was feeling dirty and spoiled and that I couldn't face you, thinking it has been my fault?"
"In a way I do," Bates said. "I've been thinking about what Mrs. Hughes told me ... and also what you have told me on our way home and something doesn't make sense to me."
"Oh ... and what would that be?" Anna's voice was small.
"You told me you thought it was your fault. On our way home and just right now again. But why do you think so?"
"Because ... because I've walked down," Anna said weakly. "If I hadn't walked down, nothing would have happened -"
"Because Green wouldn't have followed you."
"No?" Anna whispered.
"Well, that's strange, because I saw him walking after you."
It was a lie, but Anna's eyes grew wide. "You saw him? Why didn't you follow him?"
"Why should I have? I didn't think he'd do anything to you. You two seemed to get along."
Anna didn't answer. Bates knew she couldn't answer. Her eyes were big, her lip was quivering and her hands were shaking.
"Anna," John said lowly. "What did we agree on? No ..."
"Secrets," Anna whispered. "Please don't kill him, please don't."
He clenched his fist, the one hand that Anna didn't hold. He didn't want to hurt her. He felt his blood boil and his heart rate fasten, he knew he had to do something to that bastard. He closed his eyes for a moment.
He'd kill him. He would slit his throat, choke him, stab him, beat him, throw him from a bridge -
And then he would be hanged for murder and Anna would never be able to find happiness again.
No. He couldn't do it.
He opened his eyes again and looked into the beautiful eyes of his wonderful wife.
"I ... won't," he said through gritted teeth.
"But now you see what I meant? It was my fault, I made him believe I wanted him, I am indeed the blamable one."
John huffed. "Anna, you flirted with him, at least you think you did. Also he thought so. But you were merely nice to him, as nice as you are to everybody. Now tell me, has another man you've been nice to ever inappropriately touched you? Or was it only that bastard? Because if it was only Green, then you must see you can't be the one to blame."
Anna was quiet for a long time, then she turned around again, let go of John's hand and continued walking up to the bedroom. "No," she said quietly. "Only him."
John looked after her. What had he said? Why was she upset all of a sudden? He had only asked her if anyone else had ever -
And suddenly it made sense to him.
It hadn't been the first time.
Anna had been assaulted before.
"Anna!"
Quickly he ran after his wife.
"Anna, no secrets," he pleaded as he reached her in the bedroom, but Anna didn't reply. Without a word she walked right to the window, where she pulled the curtains aside to look outside. She crossed her arms and Bates knew she was troubled.
Slowly he came closer. "Anna, my love," he whispered, his heart clenching with pain. "He hasn't been the first one?"
"There has been another one," Anna said and turned around. Bates had expected her to be in tears, but her expression was cold. "I did not seduce him nor flirt with him. I wasn't nice to him at all. And I was fourteen."
"What?" Bates whispered, his heart now about to burst. "And ... he?"
"I don't know exactly. Maybe forty."
"Oh my ... oh, Anna ..."
"It doesn't matter anymore because nothing happened. Nothing like with ... you know."
"But he tried to -?"
"Yes, he constantly did. Touched me, caressed me, called me things, looked at me like I was the most alluring thing on this earth. But he never, well ..."
Bates was shocked.
"Constantly, Anna? You had to bear this constantly?"
Anna nodded shortly and without changing her face. "Well, he lived with us."
Bates swallowed hard. "Your ... your stepfather did this to you?"
Anna nodded again and then she shifted, changing her stiff position and fell back on the bed, burying her face in her palms.
"Oh, dear," Bates sighed and sat down next to her, carefully wrapping his arm around his softly shaking wife. "My dearest ... my love, my life. You don't deserve this pain you have to bear all the time. You've gone through hell. And yet you're so strong."
Anna wiped her eyes and looked at him. "John, I've been doing something wrong. My stepfather and now ..."
"I've been trying to tell you that you did nothing wrong," Bates said and pulled her close. "Not ever. No woman has been doing anything wrong when she's ..."
"Raped," Anna whispered. "You can say the word. I know what happened to me."
Bates sighed. "I still can't process it. My wife, victim of such a crime -"
"I'm not a victim," Anna said loudly.
"Right." Bates smiled. "You're a survivor."
Anna leaned her head on his shoulder. "If I hadn't flirted with him -"
"He would have tried it anyway."
"Do you think so?"
"Yes."
"But he didn't talk to Edna that much, or Daisy or Ivy. Only to me, because I was the one who's been nice to him from the very beginning."
"Anna, stop," Bates whispered. "It has nothing to do with the way you acted towards him. You could have stripped down naked in front of him and he wouldn't have had the right to force himself on you. Someone else could have flirted with him and he also wouldn't have had the right to rape them. Thomas could have -"
"Seriously?" Anna interrupted him. "Are you trying to say that Thomas could have flirted with him and he wouldn't have had the right to force himself on him?"
"I was about to say that, yes."
"I don't think Thomas would have declined," Anna giggled. "He hasn't had anyone in a while."
"You're too naughty for your own good," Bates chuckled and took his wife's hand. "But what I'm saying, dearest, is that it doesn't matter how you talk to men. No one has a right to force you into having sex."
"Besides you."
"No," he said. "Also not me, Anna. No one, not even your husband is in the position to force you to something grand like this. It is your body and your choice what you want to do with it. And if you tell me that you never ever want to be intimate again, I as your husband have to and will accept this, as it's your body and you may do whatever you want to do. Or not to do, in this case."
"You think I don't ever want to be intimate with you again?" Anna asked and looked up at her husband.
"I would understand."
"Shut up now and hold me, silly beggar," Anna said with a smile. "I'm not giving up on that part. I like that part. I miss that part. I'll just need a while."
"I know." Bates smiled back and after getting comfortable on the bed, he pulled his wife close.
"Hold me," Anna mumbled and John tightened his hug. "Forever."
"Always and forever," he said, pressing a light kiss on her head. "I love you."