Kotonoha checked the clock again.
Even though she had started quite early, there wasn't much time left to get ready.
She had already taken a shower and after some hesitation put on some makeup (mainly eyeliner). Right now, she was struggling to decide on an outfit. She couldn't go wrapped in a towel of course. Well, technically she could, but it was not advised to do so.
But what to wear?
Certainly no lack of clothes to choose from. She had a walk-in closet because they wouldn't fit in a normal one, but in hindsight, it might have been easier if she didn't have so many outfits.
Her dream surfaced back.
No, no, that was ridiculous. Besides, she didn't even have a dress like that. Let alone she would be wearing it in public.
Maybe she should call Sekai for advice?
But Sekai had already given advice, hadn't she?
'Show off your assets'.
But did she have anything that could do that? Probably not.
Anyway, standing here would not help.
She picked up an outfit and put it on.
Kotonoha checked herself in the mirror.
No, this wouldn't do. Jeans were a bit too casual. She didn't want to look like she was trying really hard, but this was still a date and she wanted to look good.
It took her a few more tries before she was reasonably satisfied.
Right now, she wore a white skirt that fell just above her knees, a pink top and a button-up shirt in lighter pink.
Not bad. It didn't look like she was trying too hard, but it also wasn't too casual.
Even so…
Wasn't this a bit too conservative? Was this really what girls wore on a date?
What would Itou-kun think of her when he saw this?
He would probably think she was super prudish.
And she wanted this date to go well.
No, this date had to go well.
Not only was it her first date ever, it was with Itou-kun. If it went poorly, things would become super awkward between them. And since Sekai was close friends with Itou and basically always hung out with him, that would mean she could no longer be friends with both of them. It would be way too awkward to sit with Itou-kun. Meaning her only two potential friends were at stake here. If she screwed this up, she would be all alone again. Well, alone with Otome and her friends that is.
Kotonoha picked up her phone to send a picture to Sekai.
'Is this too conservative?' she added.
Sekai replied not even a minute later.
[Hate to say it, Kotonoha, but you look like you're going to church. You don't want him to look at other girls, do you?]
She sighed. Maybe Sekai was right.
Kotonoha changed into a different skirt that was a lot shorter (white as well). After some hesitation, she removed her top and only wore the button-up. With the top buttons left open, it form a V-cut which exposed a bit of cleavage.
It felt strange. She had never dressed purposely to show off her body. Something about it just felt off. Maybe it was the psychology?
Normally she wore whatever she liked, not caring about anyone else, but now…
Then again, she should care. This was a date, so it was only natural to think about the other person. It would be really terrible if she didn't.
Kotonoha send a new picture to Sekai.
'Better?'
[Not bad. You could maybe open another button. But I guess that will have to do.]
"How so?" If she really had to, she could change again. If it was still too prudish. At this point, Kotonoha had little trust in her own assessment of this. Clearly, her standards were different from the norm.
[What time were you gonna meet him?]
Oh crap. She was already late.
Kotonoha took her handbag and hurried down the stairs. There was little time to decide on her shoes now. Since she had no socks on, she quickly put on sandals.
"I'm going mom," she said.
"Going where?" her mother asked.
"I didn't tell you?"
"No."
"Well I'm going to the movie with a friend." She slung her handbag over one shoulder.
"A male friend?"
"I have to hurry, I'm already late. Bye mom."
"Hey-"
Her mom's voice was cut off when Kotonoha closed the door.
She hurried to the station.
With some running, she was just in time for the next train, which would still make her five minutes late if she hurried.
She made it in four.
Itou-kun was already waiting for her. He was dressed quite casually. Jeans and a T-shirt with above that a semi-formal jacket in dark green.
"Sorry I'm late," Kotonoha said, she leaned on her knees to catch her breath. "Did you wait long?" she asked in between deep breaths.
"Don't worry," he said. "You're only a few minutes late."
"I… I don't want to make a bad first impression."
"Don't worry, you're making a very good first impression." His eyes roamed over her body. He seemed to approve of her clothing decisions. Because she was leaning on her legs, she gave him quite a good view of her cleavage.
When she realised this, she quickly straightened. A faint blush appeared on her cheeks. "Thanks."
It had been a good idea to follow Sekai's advice. Itou-kun wouldn't pay much attention to her being late now. If she had worn the other outfit, he wouldn't have been distracted as much, and then their date would have been off to a bad start. Not to mention it would have been harder to run meaning she would have certainly missed the train and been even more late.
"That top really highlights your assets."
Her heart skipped several beats. "What did you say?"
"I meant it as a compliment."
"Yeah, but…"
Those were the exact words Sekai had used. And the same words he had spoken in her dream. Was this a coincidence?
"Shall we?" he asked.
"Y-Yeah, sure."
They walked inside the theater together.
"It's a good thing we already have tickets, cause it's pretty much sold out tonight."
"We do?"
"Yeah, Sekai had free tickets from her work and she gave them to us. She doesn't like horror movies."
"I can imagine that."
Itou smiled. "Anyway, let's get some popcorn first."
"You remembered."
"Of course I did. Who do you take me for?"
She followed him to the shop. They quickly found the popcorn section.
"Let's see. Which ones do you like, Katsura?"
"It's all the same to me," she answered automatically.
"Well that's not really an answer," he replied, clearly not satisfied.
She was taken back a bit. "I'm not used to people asking my opinion like that."
"How so?"
"Well, when I go to a movie with Kokoro-chan, she always insists on taking that one." Kotonoha pointed to the biggest bucket of normal white popcorn.
"Oh. So that's what you meant with annoying?"
"When did I say that?"
"At our first lunch-date. I said I had a sister and you said your own little sister was annoying."
"Oh, right."
He had actually remembered that?
"Anyway," Itou said. "I'm asking your opinion now. Which one do you want?"
"Well now that I think about it, I never tried caramel before."
"Okay." He reached out and picked up a large bucket of caramel-popcorn.
"The biggest one?"
"You already picked the flavor, now it's my turn to pick the size."
She chuckled. "Seems fair to me."
They bought some drinks as well. Itou insisted on treating her.
When they arrived in the theater, she found Itou was right. Three quarters of the seats were already filled even though it was another ten minutes before the movie would start.
They maneuvered to their seats. For now, there was no one besides them, but that would probably change soon enough.
She placed her drink in the holder on her left. Itou sat to her right. He placed the popcorn between them on the armrest.
"It's pretty filled," Kotonoha said.
"Yeah. Let's hope Taisuke doesn't see me."
"He's here?"
"Yeah, he's sitting over there." Itou subtly pointed a few rows below them.
"And he's not allowed to see you?"
"He's mad I ditched him for you. Or didn't you notice he's sitting by himself?"
"He could sit with us," she suggested. "I don't mind."
"But I do," Itou said. "This is supposed to be a date."
"Right, sorry."
The screen turned on. It showed ads and future releases.
Kotonoha reached for the popcorn without looking.
Their hands touched.
She pulled her hand away.
Itou smiled. "Sorry."
They had reached for the popcorn at the same time and their hands had touched.
"It- it's okay," Kotonoha said.
She waited until he had taken some before taking herself.
The caramel flavor was delicious.
"This popcorn is good," Itou said.
"Yeah. A lot better than my cooking."
"Don't say that. You tried your best, that's what matters."
"You're too kind."
"I know."
Yesterday, they had eaten together on the roof. In following Saionji's advice, Kotonoha had tried making bento. While Itou had been rather diplomatic about it, between the lines she could read that her cooking sucked. Also, she had eaten it herself and it tasted pretty disastrous. But Itou had been very kind to her. And cooking was something you could learn to some extent. And she was determined to learn it.
The lights dimmed.
"Looks like it's gonna start," Itou whispered.
The seats right next to them were still empty, but the rest of their row was almost completely filled. The other rows were also filled about 90%.
Kotonoha put her hand on the armrest. At this rate, their popcorn would be finished before the movie had properly started.
Itou softly placed his hand on hers.
She was startled by that.
Calm down, she told herself. They were just holding hands, this was no big deal. This was a date after all, it was to be expected. And she had told him it was okay, so he might have interpreted that like this.
She breathed in and out deeply.
Kotonoha turned her hand around. Their fingers almost automatically interlocked.
His hand was warm and comforting. This wasn't so bad. She could do this.
They kept holding hands. She was concerned her hands would sweat too much or she would do something wrong, but she could not pull away since her hand was on the bottom.
She suddenly remembered what Sekai had told her.
'You could maybe open another button.'
Kotonoha checked on Itou. He was immersed in the movie.
She reached up with her free hand to open another button.
It was not easy to do with one hand, but she managed. However, he noticed.
Their eyes locked.
Kotonoha could only see him vaguely, his features lit by the movie screen. Due to the dark nature of the film, there was little light to illuminate his face.
Itou leaned in.
No, no. She was not ready for this. He couldn't…
The sound of her slap echoed through the room.
Everyone around them turned to them.
She felt her cheeks turning red.
They could only half see them, but they had certainly heard the sound. And there was little doubt as to what it meant.
"I'm sorry," Makoto said softly. He let go of her hand and sat back in his seat, trying to keep as much distance from her as possible.
The rest of their date was spend in silence.
Kotonoha cursed herself.
She really had fucked up.
What was she even thinking?
When the movie was over she stood up immediately. "I'll see you at school, Itou-kun."
Kotonoha hurried away. She pushed past some other customers to get out as quickly as possible. They made disapproving sounds behind her.
On a fast pace, she went to the station.
Once the doors closed behind her, she took her phone from her bag.
"Sekai?"
[Hey Kotonoha. Is your date already over?]
"Yeah. He uhm… he tried to kiss me."
[Oh. Is he a good kisser?]
"I… I slapped him."
[You did what?]
"I didn't mean to, he just surprised me. It came out of nowhere."
Sekai answered very slowly. [R-Right. So what happened after?]
"What do you mean after? I ran away of course."
[You didn't talk with him?]
"I…"
[Look, Katsura, you may have been surprised, but don't you think you overreacted a little bit? To publicly humiliate him like that?]
"I didn't intend to-"
[Did you consider there might have been classmates in that cinema? He's been rejected countless times already, can you imagine the rumours if someone saw that? Remember when I asked you to be gentle with him? This is exactly what I wanted to avoid: him getting hurt again.]
"But…"
There had been a classmate in there, his best friend in fact. Had Taisuke seen that? He would certainly have. It was pretty hard to miss.
"I'll talk to him tomorrow," Kotonoha said. She quickly hung up.
She really had screwed up big time. Sekai was angry at her, and Makoto should have been angry at her.
How could she ever face them again?
She had screwed up with both of them. This was exactly what she had hoped to avoid.
When she arrived home, she kicked off her shoes and went upstairs. She threw her handbag in a corner of her room and went to the bathroom.
After brushing her teeth, she roughly wiped off her makeup.
Then, she returned to her room and collapsed on the bed. She didn't even bother taking off her clothes, she just got under the covers and closed her eyes.
Maybe if she went to sleep, she would find out it was all a bad dream and their date hadn't even started yet.
Tears welled up, and she hardly had the strength to stop them from coming.
Strangely, despite her crying heavily, she drifted to sleep very fast. Almost immediately, a dream started.
In her dream, she was arguing with her own reflection.
Her reflection wore the red dress from last night with makeup and jewelry. Her hair was once again put up with the flowers.
Kotonoha herself wore her first outfit, the long skirt with the pink top and shirt. The one she had worn before Sekai had convinced her to change.
"You ruined the date," Red Kotonoha said.
"I… I didn't mean to do that," she argued. "He-"
"It was wrong to do that. You hurt him."
"No," she argued. "I… I was scared. He surprised me."
"You slapped him right in the face. Did you even apologize for that?"
"I-"
"You never think about other people, do you? Such a selfish girl."
"No, I-"
"You ruined everything." Red Kotonoha hissed. "They will both hate you now."
"No, please-"
Her reflection started fading away.
"Stay, please. Help me."
The reflection was fully gone now.
Kotonoha opened her eyes. She wiped the cold sweat from her brow. In her sleep, she had turned around on her back. The blanket had wrapped tightly around her body in her shifting and turning. Her body hurt in several places, most notably her breasts. There was also a throbbing headache. She was certain that if she stood up, or even just lifted her head, the world would spin before her eyes and her headache would worsen.
The alarm clock told her it was the middle of the night.
Kotonoha untangled herself and turned to her side.
She didn't dare to get up. The darkness looked like it was about to eat her. Like the monsters were waiting just beyond the edges of her bed. Of course, they were actually inside of her and she could not run away, but-
Kotonoha forced herself to stop that spiral.
She shifted to make sure the duvet covered her entire body. She pulled it over her head even though she was already covered in sweat.
Kotonoha closed her eyes.
Her dream started again. It was just waiting for her to close her eyes and return.
This time, it was different. She didn't exist anymore. Her viewpoint floated around, but it was not connected to any physical body.
Yet there was a Kotonoha. The Red Kotonoha, who looked a lot like her, only more confident and a lot more beautiful. And on her arm was Itou. A more handsome version with messy black hair that would make James Dean jealous. He was dressed in a formal suit with tie and looked older and more confident.
They walked inside the movie theater.
No, no, this was all wrong.
Yet, her viewpoint kept floating behind them, following them inside.
They sat down in the theater in the exact same spot. Except there was no popcorn now and the theater was empty safe for them. The screen was also empty.
"Do you mind if I…" Makoto asked.
"Oh please," Red Kotonoha said. "This is a date, of course it's fine."
He leaned in and planted a kiss on her lips.
"Do you think I dressed like this if I didn't want you to look at me?" she said. She kissed him harder. Kotonoha saw her tongue slipping into his mouth.
"I'm glad I went on this date with you," Makoto said.
"Me too."
His lips moved down to trail kisses along her neck.
"I won't reject you like all those other girls," Kotonoha said. "You don't deserve that."
"You're such an amazing girl, Kotonoha. Completely different from all those cruel bitches."
"What are you waiting for, Makoto? You think I'm wearing this for show? You think I'm just teasing you?"
His hand took one of her straps and pulled it down. Her left breast was completely exposed, but instead of being scared, Red Kotonoha just showed a sultry smile.
His lips moved even further down and started kissing her breast.
He moved to her nipple on sucked on it.
Kotonoha moaned loudly.
Her eyes opened.
She was confused for a second. Another dream?
It had felt very real. Yet, the fact that she was looking at her own alarm clock on her nightstand left little doubt as to whether it had been real.
Somehow, she was idly touching herself inside her panties again.
When she realised this, she pulled away her hand, as if she had gotten an electric shock. She was indeed shocked, but mentally, not physically.
This was so incredibly wrong. It was one thing to have fantasies about Itou-kun, but to first screw up their date completely and then fantasize about a date that should have happened, that was beyond cruel. She had no right to dream about that after what she'd done.
She turned on her back again.
Kotonoha moved her hand back down. She was smearing her own wetness on her clothes.
She took a deep breath. This was a terrible idea, but…
"Bad girl," she whispered to herself.
She tightly shut her eyes and brought her hand down hard right between her legs.
The sound of her slap reverberated through the room. It sounded very similar to her slapping Itou-kun. But of course it could not be compared. She had hurt him emotionally and physically. This was just physical pain. Pain she could handle, she told herself as tears formed into her eyes.
The pain between her legs overwhelmed her for while, but then it faded to a dull throbbing. Now she could also feel other pain, mainly in her breasts.
The wire of her bra had jabbed into the tender flesh from twisting and turning in her sleep.
Of course she knew she wasn't supposed to wear a bra while sleeping, but she had not found the energy to take off her clothes last night.
Kotonoha checked the time. It was early morning. She still had plenty of time before school started. But she did not want to fall asleep again and potentially dream. So instead, Kotonoha got out of bed and dragged herself to the bathroom.
She took off her clothes and studied herself in the mirror.
Pretty bad.
Her hair was a complete mess, both eyes were red-rimmed and the left one had some remaining eyeliner running out over her cheek. She saw red patches on her breasts where her bra had bit into the skin.
Kotonoha turned on the shower. She did not wait for the water to get hot.
Any remaining arousal was forced out by the ice cold water. She wasn't supposed to feel like that anyway. Not after hurting him like that.
She resisted the urge to scream.
While it was only a few minutes at the most, it felt like hell. But eventually, the water got warmer.
Kotonoha calmed down again.
Her thoughts drifted off while she tried to get her hair to look presentable.
At school, she would have to talk to Makoto-kun. Yes, he had surprised her, but she shouldn't have slapped him. There were other ways to tell him she wasn't ready to kiss yet. And she had been sending him some wrong signals. After all, she had dressed like that, held his hand, and then opened up another button, so that kinda implied she wanted to kiss. It was her fault he had misinterpreted it. She should have been clear she was not ready to kiss. It was only natural to assume she would want to kiss. She liked him, he liked her, why wouldn't they kiss?
For a second, she considered drowning herself in the shower, but she pushed the thought away. That would make Itou-kun feel even more guilty.
She had to face her problems, not run away from them.
Kotonoha turned off the shower. She dried off and put on her uniform.
"How did your date go?" her mom asked when she came downstairs.
Kotonoha said nothing.
"That bad huh? Oh well, don't worry about. You'll find someone you like."
"I do like him," she said.
"But he doesn't like you?" her mom asked.
"No, he does. At least, I think he likes me." Or did like her before.
"Then what's the problem?"
"I did something wrong. He probably hates me now."
"Oh Kotonoha. You do worry don't you?" she said. "It was your first date, of course you're a bit nervous. Just apologise and I'm sure he'll forgive you."
"Yeah, sure."
"If he likes you, he'll certainly want to go on a second date with you. And then you just have to make sure you don't make the same mistake again."
"Yeah, you're right." Her mom made it sound a bit simple, but she was right. Kotonoha had made a mistake and she had to make sure she did not repeat it.
"Now," her mother checked the time. "I have to go to work. But I made you this." She shifted two black lunch boxes over the table.
"You just packed last night's leftovers in a lunch box," Kotonoha said.
"I made you bento you mean?"
"This is way too much for me alone."
"Then share some with your boyfriend," her mom said with a smile. "See you tonight."
"Hey-"
The door closed.
Unbelievable.
Kotonoha put the boxes in her bag.
She would have to hurry or she'd be late.
However, her worries were unfounded since she was on time to catch her usual train without trouble.
She saw him again. He was looking out of the window with his headphones on.
Kotonoha hesitated.
What if he did hate her?
Maybe she should just-
"Katsura-san." He looked at her. His headphones were in his hand.
"Itou." She walked up to him.
"Look, about last night-"
"I'm really sorry," she interrupted him. "I shouldn't have reacted like that."
"It's fine. I understand you are not comfortable with physical things and- woah," he grabbed the bar when the train kicked itself into motion again.
Kotonoha lost her balance, but Makoto reached out to grab her shoulder with his free hand to keep her from falling.
"Making a habit out of that, huh?" he said. "Anyway, you could have just told me that you don't want me to do that." He released her again.
"You surprised me," she said.
"I know I took your hand, but we were in a movie theater and it seemed appropriate. But if you're not-"
"You tried to kiss me!"
He frowned. "What are you talking about?"
"You… you reached out to kiss me and I…"
"I was reaching for the popcorn."
"No… I…"
There was indeed a bucket of popcorn in between them, but he had clearly intended to…
Wait. If his left hand was holding hers, he would have to reach over with the other and twist his body towards her. So in theory it was possible he…
"I'm so sorry," she said. She was unable to meet his gaze. "I really thought you… you wanted to kiss me."
"I would love to kiss a beautiful girl like you, Katsura-san," he said, smiling softly. "But I would never force it like that. I want to wait until you are ready. And you didn't seem ready at all."
"But… then, why did you think I slapped you?" She stole a glance at him
"Because I was holding your hand."
"I would never slap you for something stupid like that."
"Well you did, didn't you?"
"Because I thought you were trying to kiss me."
"So that would have been fine then? If I had tried to kiss you, it would have been fine to slap me?"
"No, I…" She kept looking at the floor.
"I'm just trying to understand you, Katsura-san. You are a confusing girl."
"I… I won't hit you again, I promise. No matter what you do. I'll tell you if there is a problem."
"Alright."
"I ruined the date."
He took her chin and forced her to look up at him. "It was just a misunderstanding," he said. "Don't worry about it."
"I…" she forced back her tears. "Let me make it up to you."
He released her chin. "If you insist."
"I do. Are you free on Saturday?"
"This Saturday?"
"Any Saturday you want. Or any other day."
"My sister is actually coming Saturday. How about Sunday?"
"Sorry, I… anyway, let's go on a second date Sunday then. I'll try not to screw things up this time."
He nodded. "I'm looking forward to it. Where are we going?"
"Uhm… I'll text you the details later."
"You don't even have my number."
"Sekai kinda gave it to me."
"Tsk. That girl again."
"So uhm, what are you listening to?" she asked.
"You want to hear?"
Without waiting for a reply, he placed his headphones over her ears.
A familiar tune played into her ears.
"Is that the soundtrack from…"
"You know that game?" he sounded surprised. "That's a pretty obscure title."
"I used to play it," she said. "It was one of my favorites."
"Me too. Maybe we could play it together one time?"
"Yeah, maybe." She handed him the headphones back.
The train slowed again.
His hand touched her waist.
"You really don't have to steady me each time," she said. "I'm not gonna fall over."
"Yeah, you say that, but in practice you do."
"No I don't."
He chuckled. "Katsura, you're such an airhead you haven't even noticed this is our stop." He released her.
"Hey, you-"
He was right.
Kotonoha quickly hurried after him. The doors made a hissing sound and closed just as she had gotten off.
"Ye, you almost left me behind," she complained.
"Make up your mind, Katsura. Do you want my help or not?"
"I… I'm a grown-up girl, I can handle myself."
As she spoke the words, a headache welled up. Her legs started feeling very weak.
"Kotonoha? Are you okay?"
"I'm-"
Her legs gave way.
"Woah."
Itou grabbed her beneath her shoulders so she didn't fall over. She had to put her hands around his neck to keep her balance.
"Anemia again?" he asked.
She weakly nodded.
He put one arm beneath her legs and lifted her up.
She wrapped her arms around his chest and held him as tight as she could.
"Don't leave me alone, please."
"Don't worry," he said. "I'm here."
She felt her mind slipping away.