Kotonoha forced her eyes open.

Had it worked?

She could feel it had. Even so, she wanted to confirm it with her own eyes.

Slowly, Kotonoha lifted her head and looked.

A breath of relief escaped her lips.

A partial win. She could settle for that.

Once again, she was touching herself. However, it was only her chest this time.

While her panties had soaked through, she hadn't touched herself down there. Her thighs were rubbing together, searching for some relief.

Kotonoha stopped doing that when she noticed it. She also pulled her hands away from her chest.

Looks like it worked. At least, that's what she assumed. It was always possible she had touched but retracted her hand before waking up.

In any case, it looked like she had instilled some kind of fear in herself which prevented her from touching, sort of. It wasn't fully successful yet.

Still, this was proof she could train her body to behave properly to some extent. And consequently, she could also train herself not to freak out when Makoto-kun touched her. After all, she wanted to be touched. It was her body that freaked out, not her mind. Not her full mind at least.

Kotonoha sighed.

There were several issues though.

Firstly, she couldn't keep slapping herself between her legs as punishment. On the roof, she had felt really guilty, but right now, she would involuntary hold back. It was very difficult to hurt yourself like that.

And if she was the one deciding when she got punished, couldn't she try to talk herself out of it? As she had actually tried to do before.

Ideally she'd be asking Makoto-kun to help her out, but there was no way she could ever muster up the courage to ask him for anything like that.

She had to come up with a nice and simple way to train herself.

"Kotonoha? Are you awake?" A voice called.

After school that is.

"Coming."

She put on her uniform and went downstairs.

Today, she actually had a decent breakfast.

"Kotonoha," her mom said.

"Hm?"

"Do you really have both a girlfriend and a boyfriend?"

"Well uhm…"

"Yes?"

Kotonoha sighed. "No."

"I knew it," her mom proclaimed.

"You were totally convinced last night."

"That boyfriend of yours was pretty convincing. But now that I slept it over, it's pretty obvious that you wouldn't do something like that."

Kotonoha said nothing.

"You hoped I would reign your dad in a bit, didn't you?"

"Yes," she admitted.

"You could have just asked."

"Sorry."

"I for one like Makoto-kun."

She felt a sting of jealousy. "Well of course you like him. He's amazing. And he's mine."

"I wasn't gonna steal him away."

"Ah, sorry. Of course not."

"Although…"

"Mom!"

"What? Just because I'm old, does that mean I can't be attracted to a young handsome lad anymore?"

"Not because you're old," Kotonoha corrected her. "Because you're my mom and he's my boyfriend."

"Fair point."

She finished her breakfast before her mother could embarrass her any more.

When she was done, she hurried to the bathroom and brushed her teeth. Then, she combed her hair.

She would see Makoto-kun at school today, so she had to look good. But she couldn't take too long either or she'd miss the train. There were other trains, but Makoto-kun wasn't on those.

Kotonoha took her bag, put on her shoes and went out.

She knew it was silly. Trying to make her hair look better wouldn't make much of a difference. The simple truth was that Makoto-kun deserved a better girlfriend. While he had forgiven her, she didn't expect him to just forget about everything that had happened. She had to show him she was working on it. And…

Kotonoha sighed.

She had not told him the full truth. Makoto still didn't know she had spied on him that day. And-

Loud barking reached her.

Kotonoha looked up.

A huge black dog ran at her.

She stumbled back and fell hard on her butt. The pavement was unforgiving to her.

The dog stood over her and barked, his head uncomfortably close.

"Here." A strong hand grabbed the collar and pulled back the animal.

She spotted a large blonde man. He clipped a leash on the dog's collar.

"I'm really sorry," he said. "His leash got loose."

"It's okay." She got up. Her butt hurt a bit, but she was alright given the situation.

Maybe this was karma? After all, she hadn't punished herself this morning for touching. Sure, maybe she hadn't touched herself down there, but she had still played with her breasts. And as long as she didn't do anything sexy with Makoto-kun in real life, no touch was the only acceptable option. She was the reason he was frustrated, so she should be frustrated as well, that was only fair. "He has some behavioural problems," the man said. "My wife says I should train him with a shock collar, but that just feels wrong."

A light went on in her head. "What did you say?"

He frowned. "Shock collar? Are you okay, Miss?"

"Ah, I'm fine."

"Okay. Sorry again. Come boy." He tugged hard on the leash. The dog reluctantly went with him.

Shock collar. Hm.

No, no. What the hell was she thinking? That was insane.

Yet it was technically designed to train animals, so how was training her own body any different from…

She forced away the thought. She'd be late for school at this rate.

Kotonoha hurried on to the station.

Makoto-kun was already waiting for her on the train.

"Morning, beautiful."

"Hey, handsome." She stood on her tiptoes and kissed him on his cheek.

She wanted to do more, but they were in public.

"Did you sleep well?" he asked.

"Yeah." She didn't mention she had dreamed about him again.

The train started moving.

Makoto automatically wrapped his arm around her waist to keep her from falling.

She smiled. "Thanks."

"Hey uhm." He didn't release her. "About last night."

"Hm?"

"Sorry I didn't reply. You took me off guard."

"You don't have to. I wasn't expecting an answer."

"Okay. Thanks." He released her waist again.

"I got attacked by a dog this morning," she said, changing the subject.

"You what?"

"Well there was this huge black dog that got loose and attacked me. But the owner pulled him off, don't worry."

"Are you hurt?" He asked, concern in his voice.

"Well, a bit."

"Where?"

Kotonoha blushed.

She looked around. No one was looking at them so she wrapped her arms around his neck.

"Kotonoha?" He looked confused.

"Put your hands around me, please."

"Okay?" He rested his hands on her lower back.

"It hurts," she took one of his hands and shifted it down to the tender spot.

"Right here."

It was just below her hipline. The part where you could no longer call it your lower back.

"Oh."

He checked if anyone was looking at them, but they were safe. And unless you looked properly, it appeared as if they were just hugging.

Even though it looked like that, it was more than enough for Kotonoha. She already felt her body responding. Her panties got wet again.

"You're getting rather confident," he said.

"Is that bad?"
"No, no, I like it."

The train abruptly slowed down. His hand shifted slightly.

She instinctively grabbed his wrist.

"Uhm Kotonoha?"

Her fingers were gripping him very tight.

"Ah sorry."

She released him immediately.

He didn't put his hands on her again.

Kotonoha averted her gaze and looked outside.

The rest of the journey was spent in awkward silence.

There was a painful irony she had freaked out just after he had told her she had grown more confident. She hadn't. She had convinced herself she had, but there was still a very long way to go.

Kotonoha sighed inwardly. Maybe she should…

No, no. Don't be ridiculous.

They arrived at their stop shortly after.

"I'm sorry," Kotonoha said once they were outside.

"I thought you were trying." There was annoyance in his voice.

"I am, but…"

"Hey," he said, more softly. "I knew you are. I'm just-"

"No, no. You have every right to be angry. I freaked out over nothing again."

"It was no big deal." He put his hand around her shoulder.

She sighed. "It wouldn't be, if this was the only time it happened. But you know it won't be like that. It will just happen again and again and-"

"Let's not get ahead of ourselves, shall we?"

"Sorry, you're right, I'm rambling."

"Give yourself some credit. You're expecting miracles from day one, that's not gonna happen. I believe in you. You're doing everything you can."

He hugged her.

"Y-Yes." She felt a stab of guilt again. He shouldn't believe in her. She was not telling him the whole truth. Makoto-kun still didn't know about her spying on him. How could he believe in her if she clearly didn't believe in him?

And she was not doing everything she could. There was something else she could do. Even involuntary responses could be changed if you put your mind to it.

The hug ended and they walked on to school. Makoto took her hand without asking.

They were passed by Otome. Otome didn't say anything, but her walking pace was a little too high to be natural.

"Classes are gonna start," Makoto said. "I'll see you at lunch."

"Yeah."

She went to her class.

Otome had apparently decided to start ignoring her again. Which, frankly, was a big relief.

She focused on her classes with moderate success today.

At lunchtime, she went up the roof.

The door was ajar, and she heard voices behind it. Loud voices.

"You can't stay with her out of pity, Makoto!"

Kotonoha stopped dead in her tracks. That was Sekai's voice.

"I know, I know," Makoto-kun replied. "I'm not staying with her out of pity."

"I don't believe you."

"It's none of your business," he said, angry.

"You're my friend and I don't want you to get hurt again. You're not a good match with her."

"And we are?"

Wait, what?

Both Sekai and Kotonoha were shocked for a moment.

"T-That is beside the point, Makoto. I'm worried about you. Kotonoha is not normal."

"She just has some trust issues. She's trying hard."

"How do you know that?"

"I… I just know."

"You-"

"Be quiet," he hissed. "She can be here any second. We can talk about this later."

Ah.

Kotonoha sneaked back down the stairs. She counted to one hundred first. It would be suspicious if she arrived just after they had stopped arguing. And they would be worried she had overheard them.

No, not overheard. Eavesdropped. There was no twisting it around. She should have announced her presence or left. That conversation was private. Very private.

Kotonoha took the stairs up again, slightly louder than needed.

She opened the door.

"Hey Kotonoha," Makoto said.

Sekai smiled. It was a bit forced, but if she didn't know, she would never be able to tell.

"Sorry I'm late," Kotonoha said. "School festival stuff."

"No problem," Makoto said.

They sat down on the bench.

Kotonoha took out her lunch.

"Itadakimasu," she mumbled. The others repeated it and started eating.

A silence fell.

"So uhm," Sekai broke the awkward silence. "How are things between you two?"

"Uhm, okay? I guess," Kotonoha said, she looked at Makoto-kun for confirmation.

"Y-Yeah," Makoto said.

"That doesn't sound very convincing," Sekai said.

Makoto threw her an angry glare when he thought Kotonoha wasn't looking.

"I-It's been one day," Kotonoha said. "Give us some time."

"Y-Yeah," Makoto said.

Why was he so reluctant to defend her? It was going well, right? As well as could be expected. Of course it was a bit awkward, but-

Unless…

Maybe Sekai was right? Maybe Makoto was with her out of pity. After all, she had put him in a pretty difficult position. It was blatantly obvious it would hit her really hard if he broke up with her. Makoto and Sekai were the only friends she had. And when a girl apologised like she had done, it was very difficult to break up with her. The more obvious it became this wouldn't work out, the harder she clung to him. Makoto wasn't really in a position for a clean breakup.

"Well it's not my business of course," Sekai said.

"Indeed," Makoto said, a bit too hard.

Another silence fell.

They finished eating.

Sekai stood up.

"It just occurred to me I still have a physics report to hand in."

Kotonoha suspected she was looking for an excuse to get out. But she didn't mind since she had some things to ask Makoto-kun.

"Okay, see you in class."

"See you."

She left them.

"Uhum," Kotonoha cleared her throat. "Makoto-kun?"

"Hm?"

"Did you ever date Sekai?"

He frowned. "Where did you get that?"

"Ah, nowhere."

"Are you scared I'll leave you for a different girl?"

"Always," she said.

"Don't worry. I would never leave you," he said. "Even though I should."

He spoke those last words on a very different tone.

"I… what did you say?"

"I said I would never leave you. 'Never' is maybe a bit too-"

"No I mean after that."

He frowned. "I didn't say anything after that, Kotonoha."

"Y…" yes you did.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine."

She must have imagined that last part.

Kotonoha took his hand. "Promise me you'll never leave me."

He looked at her. "Uhm, isn't that a bit much? 'Never' is pretty extreme."

"You just said 'never'. Why can't you say it again?"

"Uhm, Kotonoha? Could you be slightly less… forceful? You're choking me over here."

"Ah," she let go of his hand and looked down. "Sorry."

He gently pulled her to his chest.

She settled into the embrace even though she didn't deserve it.

"I understand you have some separation anxiety, but you know I can't promise to be with you forever. What if it really doesn't work out? It's gone wrong before, hasn't it?"

"Yes," she admitted.

"So what if that happens again? And again, and again? Do you expect me to forgive you over and over again? I don't know if I can do that, Kotonoha. I can only promise you that I'll try."

"You don't have to," she pulled away from the embrace. "It won't happen again."

"If you say so."

"I'm doing every…" she swallowed hard. "I'm doing everything I can."

"I believe you."

She felt another painful stab in her chest.

"I'm just scared you'll leave me for a better girl," she admitted.

"I'm not planning to leave you, Kotonoha."

"I… what is that supposed to mean?" She felt a sudden flare of anger.

"Kotonoha?"

"Are you just waiting for a better girl to come along?"

"What, no, of course n-"

"If you're just with me because you're waiting for an upgrade then-"

"Kotonoha! That's enough."

Her face turned bright red. "I-I'm sorry," she lowered her head. "I got carried away again."

"Yes, you did."

The bell rang.

"I have to get back to class," he said. "We can talk when school is over."

"Ah, uhm… I… I'm going home alone tonight." She had made her decision.

"Oh. Okay."

"There is something I have to do."

"Okay. Just, be safe. I'll call you tonight."

"Okay."

Kotonoha stood up. "We really have to get back to class now."

"Aren't you forgetting something?"

"I am?"

He leaned in and kissed her.

"Sorry," she said. "I forgot."

"It's okay."

No. It's not.

Kotonoha locked the door of her room.

She took a deep breath in and out to calm down.

All things considered, it had been quite easy to get it. She had simply said they had a large dog with behavioural problems. The part about the dog was a lie, but someone having behavioural problems was entirely true. When they asked her age she had simply said she was nineteen and they hadn't asked for her ID. She did look old enough with a body like that.

With some searching online, she had found how to modify them for human use. She was slightly concerned this information was available. Somehow, she did not think it was used for the same application as she intended to use it.

But electrotherapy had been used for years to treat mental health problems. So why shouldn't it work here?

She put it in her bag again and sneaked to the garage. With her dad's tools, she modified the pins a bit so they wouldn't damage her skin.

When she was done, she got back to her room.

She locked the door again and put the collar on. It fit well. It didn't cut her anywhere.

Kotonoha checked herself in the mirror.

Was this really such a good idea?

She reached to take it off again, but her phone rang before she could.

Kotonoha picked up.

"Hello?"

[Hey, Kotonoha. I just called to see if you were alright.]

"Ah, Makoto-kun. Yeah, I'm fine."

[Did you uhm… take care of it? Whatever it is.]

"Ah, yes, I did." She looked at herself in the mirror again.

[Okay.]

"Hey, uhm, Makoto-kun?"

[Hm?]

"I have a little confession to make."

[Uhm, okay. I'm listening.]

"Today I uhm… I overheard you and Sekai."

[Oh.]

"I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to eavesdrop."

[So that's why you asked whether I dated Sekai?]

"Uhm, yes." Why wasn't he angry at her?

[Look, the thing is… Sekai confessed to me once. And I turned her down.]

"She what?"

[She's a dear friend, but nothing more, and I didn't want to ruin our friendship. So we stayed just friends.]

"Why didn't you tell me?" She demanded.

Kotonoha suddenly remembered he hadn't technically responded when she had asked him.

[Sekai didn't want me to tell you. She felt it would be difficult to be friends with you.]

"Because I stole you away from her?"

[Steal? What am I, jewelry? I was never gonna date her, you have nothing to do with this. But Sekai thought you might not see it that way.]

"Yeah, I can understand that. Thanks for telling me."

[You didn't give me much choice,] he pointed out.

"I didn't mean to eavesdrop."

[Ah, no, I just… forget it.]

"There is something else."

[Hm?]

She took a deep breath. "That Sunday, I uhm… I went to your apartment and spied on you."

[You did what?]

"I went to the roof to see what you were doing. I was convinced you would…"

[Play video games?] he suggested.

"I don't know what I was thinking. I'm sorry."

[Thanks for telling me. That must have been hard.]

"I…"

Don't be so understanding.

[I can't force you to trust me.]

"I do trust you."

[Well the facts speak a bit against you.]

"I know. But…"

[Don't worry about it, Kotonoha.]

"I have to go."

[Kotonoha?]

She hung up and put her phone on the nightstand.

Kotonoha sat down on her bed.

Why was he so understanding? Why wasn't he yelling at her? He should be angry at her. He should…

She took the remote.

If he didn't do it, she'd do it herself.

Kotonoha switched it on. She turned on the collar as well. There was a little beeping noise. Not loud enough to carry beyond her room, just to warn her it was on.

She turned it on five. There were ten settings, so this was halfway.

Kotonoha took a deep breath. Then, she pressed the button.

A shock went through her.

Fuck.

She put down the remote.

Maybe she should have tried on a lower setting first.

No. She couldn't try and get away with it like that. This wasn't for show.

She calmed down again.

Now that she had done it, she felt strangely relieved. Now at least she could forgive herself. If mistakes didn't have consequences, she'd just repeat them over and over again until Makoto-kun grew tired of her. Or ran out of pity.

Her phone rang again. Kotonoha picked it up.

[Kotonoha?]

"Ah, sorry I hung up."

[Are you okay?]

She looked at the remote. "Yeah, I am now."

[Okay.]

"So, how was your day?"

[Well…]

They continued talking about unimportant things, until…

"Kotonoha?" Someone tried to come in. "Why is your door locked?"

"My mom. I have to go."

[Okay. See you.]

She hung up.

Kotonoha went to the door. Luckily, she realised she still had the collar on before she could open it.

She quickly removed it and hid it under her blanket with the remote.

"Kotonoha?"

"Coming."

She unlocked the door.

"Why is your door locked?" her mother asked.

"I was calling Makoto-kun."

"And your door needs to be locked for that?"

She came in.

"It's private."

Manami sighed.

"Look, Kotonoha." She sat down on the bed, right next to the subtle bulge where the remote and collar were hidden.

Kotonoha felt her heart skip several beats.

"Mom."

"When a boy and a girl-"

"Oh my God, mom. We're not having this conversation now."

"I just want you to be safe." She sounded annoyed.

"You know I'm on the pill."

"Even so-"

"What? Maybe he has HIV? Syfilis? Chlamydia?"

"Please don't make a joke out of this."

"I know what I'm doing mom. I'm not a child."

"Alright alright. I'm just worried about you."

"There's nothing to be worried about."

"Okay, I trust you."

Her mom stood up again and went downstairs.

Kotonoha breathed out. That was close.

Her mother didn't understand. Kotonoha was already too far down.

Nothing anyone said could convince her of anything at this point. She had no choice but to see this through until the end.