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New chapter coming next week :)

Audrey's nightmare

From the day Emma had been back into town, Audrey knew it wasn't safe for them to live under the same roof. She felt guilty for what was happening. Even though chances Emma would develop a severe form of the disease were more than slim, there she was, laying on a hospital bed, in an ICU where she'd be constantly monitored and probably plugged into a fan within a few days.

She had seen too many cases to know almost exactly what would happen and when. And worst of all, she was convinced she was the one to blame for the situation. On her admission day, when she had finally localized Emma, she had had to walk away after just a few seconds in the room. Watching her screaming in pain as they were struggling to place an IV and then a central line, begging the nurses not to tell her mom about being in the hospital, was just too much to handle. When a nurse had tried to insert a foley catheter while another one forced Emma's legs to remain still, she had just turned away and left, fighting back her tears and trying to focus on managing the crisis rather than acknowledging her own pain.

Later on, Audrey had mustered a bit of courage to visit her daughter. Whenever she walked in the room, she found a lightly sedated patient, slightly conscious of her surroundings but way too tired to really interact with her. Audrey would take a few minutes to sit down next to her, would try reassuring her, constantly telling her she was in it for nothing and that she had probably gotten sick from grocery shopping. She mostly told Emma this to alleviate her guilt, yet none of the words she pronounced would truly ease it. She fought back tears each time she had to enter her daughter's room, only to see her stats worsening.

Little did she know that Emma too, was feeling guilty. She knew exactly how she had gotten sick and didn't know how to tell her mother that the day before moving out, she had met Jenna - one of her former high school teammates - for a shakeout run. The next day, Jenna was sick. Emma knew she'd be next in line. It made her even more guilty to know she had exposed her mother who, after being infected with a SARS-like virus two years ago, was quite at risk for Covid. She hated herself and thought being in this bed was just fair punishment for her selfishness and recklessness.

Within days, Emma's breathing became more and more laborious and CPAP therapy or prone position weren't sufficient. Andrews made the call to intubate her. Glassman had made it clear that as her mother, Audrey couldn't treat Emma. There was conflict of interest. So, Audrey had reluctantly put her trust in Andrews. And somehow, she was a bit relieved that she didn't have to round her daughter three times a day or more, that she could only visit her and could hide behind the load of work she had to avoid her when her uneasiness was taking the best of her. It was painful to watch Emma fight for every breath she took. But as much as Audrey tried avoiding coming into her daughter's bedroom, the thought of losing her was even more painful than looking at her struggling.

Andrews walked into the room with Reznick and a respiratory therapist, all three of them dressed in a decontamination suit. Audrey followed behind hoping it wasn't the last time she heard the sound of her daughter's voice. The scene only reminded her of how she had fought for her life not so long ago. She recalled the regrets she had expressed. Not calling her mother for her birthday, not being there at Footlocker when Emma had finished top 10 (an accomplishment which had heavily played in her getting a full scholarship to many top ranked universities), not spending enough time with Emma, breaking up with Neil when she clearly loved him, spending too much time at work and too little at home… Back then she had thought she'd die. Yet she had miraculously survived. She had then promised herself to make up for the things she regretted, most of which she had had to sit on upon being promoted chief of surgery. And there she was again, triggered by the same feeling of regret and sorrow. She pulled herself together and put the best face she could on.

"It's time baby" she said gently, almost crying.

"Mom… I'm… scared" Emma admitted as she now knew her chances of survival were slimmer and slimmer. The only motherly gesture Audrey could have, was to grab a hold of Emma's hands and gently stroke them, trying her best to reassure her though she barely believed the words that were coming out of her mouth. They were pouring out without her having to think about them. She had grown used to saying those reassuring words although she knew they were meaningless since most patients going on a fan never made it.

"It's going to be okay. You'll be just fine honey." She would say, trying to convince herself that maybe, this once, it would be true. She could feel her daughter's warm fingers through her double gloves. The fever wasn't coming down despite their efforts to control it.

"Mom…" Emma cried.

She wanted to kiss her, hold her tight in her arms, feel her bare skin against hers, be a mother again. Yet she couldn't be. She had to be a doctor, to be objective, to not let her emotions get in the way.

"Emma, we'll sedate you. You won't feel a thing, I promise. I know. I know you've always told me you'd want to be awake when being on a fan, but we won't allow it. Your lungs need time and energy to heal. Being unconscious is your best option".

Emma nodded as a sign of approval, though her eyes were screaming at Audrey to please not let her die alone. She knew she didn't have much of a choice.

"Mom" she tried to speak one last time before it was all over. If she were to die, her mother had to know the truth. One of the residents was already holding the syringe with the sedative and the paralytics. "It's not…"

"Emma, what?" she raised her hand to signal the doctor to wait before pushing in the medication.

"It's not… your… fault… I had it"

"Emma, baby, we can talk about it later…" but Emma cut her off, knowing this was her last chance to confess before passing out.

"I went out… Jenna…" and couldn't finish her sentence.

"Emma?! Emma?! Can you hear me, Emma?!" the monitor began frantically beeping

"Dr. Lim, she's crashing" interrupted the resident. And Audrey stepped away while Andrews took over.

"Push paralytics, I'm going to intubate" he said calmly while tilting back Emma's head.