Just a short one today and I'll post a longer chapter tomorrow.
Conversation
"It's been a week and she's not improving" Audrey said on the phone.
"But she's stable, isn't she?"
"Yeah Mom, she is. But I'm so worried… I don't want to lose her too."
"Audrey, you won't. She's strong. She'll fight this covid thing like a champ. You too will be back arguing over the littlest things before you know it!" Audrey's mother tried to cheer her daughter up even if she knew Audrey was probably right.
"They had to insert a chest tube yesterday Mom… the pneumonia filled her pleura with fluids. She was drowning…" Audrey said while wiping her tears.
"Honey, you don't cry now. Emma needs you to be strong, not burying her before she's even pronounced dead! Have you spent time with her?"
"Not since she was put on a fan… I can't… I can't watch her like that."
"Nonsense. Utter nonsense. You need to be with her. This is your privilege as a doctor. Most patients can't have a loved one visiting them and she gets to have her mother working in the very hospital she's been admitted to. You need to spend more time with her."
"Mom, I'm chief of surgery. I have a whole crisis to deal with. Time off is not a luxury I have. My department has been transformed into a covid ward. More and more patients are being admitted every day and we still have emergencies pouring in. Somehow being in lockdown hasn't prevented people from getting shot or doing stupid things…"
"… And you're also a mother. She may not be your own, you may only be her adoptive mother but I know how much she means to you."
"I hate that you're right Mom" she chuckled a bit.
"Audrey, I think you've been avoiding being with her because you're scared. And I'm to blame for this and so is your father."
"Don't bring him into the conversation, please."
"Let me finish." She paused and went on.
"We raised you to always show your strong side, to be brave and independent, to make up for your weaknesses with your strength. But when you see Emma, it moves you. All those feelings we taught you to hide, they come back even stronger. You love her and I can see it in the way you talk about her, in the way you look at her when she's not noticing… You don't want to face or even fathom the pain of losing her…"
"… Mom, please, that's enough." She felt like a mess, weeping like a child.
"Cry now baby, with me, and then wipe your tears and go be with your daughter."
And Audrey cried, wishing she wasn't alone in her office, wishing she had not been chief of surgery, not carrying such a heavy responsibility. She found herself thinking about Neil again, imagining he was in the room, patting her back and offering his shoulder to cry on. She felt the pain and embraced it. She knew then that she wanted to be the one holding Emma's hand, even if it meant witnessing the most painful last breath she would get to witness.