That's it. Part 3. This my take on Audrey's PTSD. I began writing this part a little before the episode about Audrey was released. Then I adapted it after the episode. i hope you enjoy this last part.
Audrey's PTSD
She was supposed to be a strong woman. She was supposed to never break down, to keep her composure no matter the circumstances. And she was seen this way. People admired her nerves of steel. She was the one whom you could always rely on. And she enjoyed it. The myth she kept alive no matter what, was Audrey's pride. She wanted things to remain this way because it was how she had gotten to where she was at professionally and had also helped her managing the COVID crisis the way she had. People admired her and her reputation as a surgeon was attracting residents from all over the country. She was proud to represent women surgeon, especially being a woman of color, the way she did.
And yet the traumas she had been facing throughout her life were remaining buried within herself, trapped in her memory and sometimes playing on repeat. After the COVID crisis, it seemed she had reached a point she thought she'd never get to. She didn't quite understand what was happening to her. Sure, she had lost Neil in the earthquake, then Deena to COVID (whom she considered her guardian angel) but Emma, her beloved Emma, her best friend's daughter, had survived. She was home now, recovering from her illness and things were back to the way they were before the pandemic. There were still nights when the ER was on mass casualties and others when almost nothing was happening. As chief of surgery, she was overworked and chose to focus on her job rather than her own well-being.
She spent more and more time at the office when her insomnia became out of control and when she eventually went home, she made sure there was always something to distract her. She needed to numb her mind with whatever she could think of, be it playing a video game, drinking whiskey, watching dramas on Netflix or riding her bike throughout the city. Without even realizing it, Audrey began a constant battle against anxiety. It seemed to be threatening her constantly and she was always on her guards. The battle was mentally draining, physically exhausting but dwelling on her pain and acknowledging it was not something she was used to do, nor was willing to do. She couldn't allow herself to be or even remotely appear vulnerable. She had maintained this high standard for herself as a resident, then as an attending and now that she was chief of surgery, it was simply something that she couldn't fathom nor afford. She had always expected the worse in other people and herself. She was constantly worried someone might try to steal her position or undermine her authority. She knew where her weakness lied and made sure her strength made up for them.
The horrific memories of the pandemic had piled up in her head, eventually taking a toll on her, up to a point when she couldn't handle them on her own anymore. She was always on the edge and much less patient with her patients and residents than she had used to be. Despite being scarcely at home and being awake at the same time as Emma was, whatever interaction she had with her ended up in a fight. Things worsened over summer as Emma talked about beginning to train again. Audrey knew how much running was important to her daughter but the thought of letting her venture outside, with weakened lungs and a compromised immune system drove her crazy. Despite trying to rationalize things and keeping in mind the fact that Emma was an adult lady, she couldn't help being on her back all day long. This resulted in them fighting on a daily basis over the littlest things. It came to a point where they couldn't talk to each other without arguing and in early August, Emma decided to move back to Pennsylvania.
She told her mother she would take summer classes to make up for the missing credits in her Spring semester when all she actually wanted, was to leave the nest. It had become a living hell. Emma's hasty departure felt like one more obstacle to handle. Audrey was getting out of her depth but still refused to admit it. She missed Neil. She missed Emma. She missed her mother. It felt like she was losing everyone around her. She wished Laura hadn't stopped talking to her after the events concerning her child. Audrey had apologized so many times but the trust Laura had put into her was never repaired. The two friends had drifted away and once again, Audrey was alone. With Neil gone and Claire Browne getting closer to her, she just felt like the world was set on putting another burden on her shoulders. She enjoyed the lady's night they shared together and their blooming friendship, but Claire was way too nosey and it pissed her off that the young resident could tell straight away when something was off with her.
Came late October and things were settling down a bit with the new residents. Audrey thought things would be getting better on their own, that even though she felt a bit disconnected, she would get over it. But she didn't. She was grateful for the senior residents who seemed to be handling well the training of the junior residents. She knew she could delegate a lot of work on her attendings who were highly skilled and always keen on working extra hours. But she was still overwhelmed and overworked. And to top it all, she was hallucinating.