A trip to Philadelphia

In late February, Audrey decided with her psychiatrist that it was a good time to take a trip to Philadelphia to visit Emma. Audrey still had a lot of vacation days to take as she was used to barely taking any time off work. She booked a ticket to fly on a Thursday morning and to fly back the following Sunday. She decided against telling Emma as she wanted to surprise her. She knew her daughter wasn't too keen on surprises but when it came to seeing her loved ones, she never frowned on the surprise. And anyways Audrey missed her too much. After Neil had died, she was all she had left. She had managed to talk about her pain with her therapist and was beginning to realize how important it was that she built up a relationship with her again. She still had nightmares in which she could picture herself making the wrong decisions and watching her daughter passing away, poked everywhere, and being hooked to all kinds of life support machines that were useless in her case. And in the meantime, she still had to carry around her guilt as a physician, for privileging her daughter over another patient when she had allowed Reznick and Browne to hook her up to an ECMO machine.

She had also been able to admit the fact that she was sick with worry when it came to Emma's health. The girl was a mess both mentally and physically. And knowing she was so far away from her, out of her reach and control, increased her anxiety even more. In the meantime, it was also a relief as she didn't have to witness the daily struggles Emma had to go through. She knew she'd be helpless anyways, just like she had been when she was fighting for her life against a virus that was trying to claim it every day.

On the morning Audrey was supposed to arrive, Emma decided to go for a run around her block. Audrey had rented a car and arrived just as Emma was coming back home. She parked near the building where Emma shared a flat with two of her teammates and decided to wait a bit in the car before ringing. She suddenly felt like her plan wasn't as great an idea as it had seemed when she had booked her flights. After weighing the pros and the cons for the fifteenth time, she decided that since she was in town, she might as well roll with her plan. She was about to get out of her car when she spotted Emma's familiar silhouette. The poor girl was coming back from her run, trying to breathe through another asthma attack. As soon as she realized what was happening, Audrey jumped out of her car and reached for the Ventolin inhaler she always kept in her purse. She ran toward her and caught her before she'd collapse on the cold snowy ground, wrapping her in her coat to make sure she wouldn't catch a cold.

On the other side, when she saw an Asian woman running in her direction, Emma's first thoughts were to wonder who the hell this woman was and how come she was running so fast wearing boots and regular clothes. It just pissed her off that she couldn't even run a couple of miles without being winded. As she realized who the woman was, she first thought she was dreaming. But the pain in her chest and the asthma attack reminded her that she wasn't. She was perfectly awoken and the blue inhaler the woman was holding in her hand was exactly what she had been longing for. Seeing Audrey's familiar and comforting face gave her the strength to smile. She felt grateful for this perfect timing. All the tension and stress built over the past weeks and months suddenly seemed to fade away. She let herself collapse in her mother's warm embrace and breathed her familiar and soothing smell.

"What were you thinking, running in such humid and cold weather?" Audrey said while holding the inhaler in Emma's mouth and letting its gas ease the asthma attack.

"I just wanted to see if I could still do it" Emma answered. She was still trying to catch her breath. "So sorry you had to see that."

"Hush now," Audrey said, hugging her and rubbing her back. "It's okay, don't worry."

Audrey's heart ached as a frail Emma was barely able to hold herself up, shivering from her sweat turning into cold. But she knew not to disturb her daughter when she was crying. So she waited, gently wrapping her in the tails of her coat to shield her from the cold breeze.

"Why don't we go inside?" she suggested after a few minutes. Emma nodded and they headed into her apartment.

She withheld Emma all the way up the stairs and sat her down on her bed. Sitting next to her, she comforted her for another while and then helped her undress. She waited for her daughter to be showered and refreshed and suggested they had breakfast together. That's when Emma froze. Breakfast. Food. Outside. She couldn't. She just couldn't do it. And she couldn't even use an excuse. Just seeing the worry in Audrey's eyes, she knew she had to do something. She wanted to suffer alone, in peace, not under her mother's eyes. She didn't want her to hurt. She was beginning to realize all the pain she was causing her. She took a deep breath and finally accepted her mother's offer.

"You don't have to order anything you know…" Audrey couldn't help saying as she could feel the tension and anxiety rising.

But Emma decided that she would be brave. She felt a huge relief having her mother by her side, seeing that she was still holding on and trying to fight her demons. Besides, she had been craving her touch and smell for weeks.

"Mom. It's fine."

"I know honey. I know how hard it is. So just do as you feel. I just thought it would be nice if we spent some time together. It's been a while and …"

"… Mom" Emma cut her. "It's okay. And besides, we need to talk."

They found a café near campus and ordered breakfast. The sight of food almost gave Emma a panic attack, making her realize that things weren't as in control as she had thought they were. And for the first time in more than a year, Audrey and Emma managed to have a conversation without fighting. Audrey told Emma she was now taking medication for her PTSD and was even running as a way to manage her symptoms. She opened up about her fear of losing her, all of which pushed Emma to make confessions herself. She admitted she had a problem with food and that her coach was threatening to cut her off the team if she didn't do something about it. She confessed to emptying her nutritional shakes in the hospital toilets and having purposefully thrown up the one Nurse Villanueva had made her drink to prove her innocence.

"That's why you apologized for hours when I found you sleeping on the bathroom's floor. I understand now." Audrey said. She wasn't angry. There wasn't an ounce of reproach in her voice, rather some relief to finally be able to put the pieces together.

Emma nodded but still couldn't confess to her daily runs with Jenna before being infected. She confessed about all of her eating-related issues though and she felt like a huge weight was lifted off her shoulders. It was scary yet relieving. And Audrey finally felt like she was building the connection she should have built years ago with her daughter. She was finally getting closed to her, feeling like they could trust each other. It was something completely new, yet a powerful feeling she wanted to hold on to.

Audrey left the city rested and renewed as if she was ready to face the next step in her recovery. 2 weeks after her mother's visit, Emma went to her first appointment with Dr. Wong.