Guatemala

6 months into therapy and medication, Audrey still felt like her heart was aching and nothing seemed to take the pain away. She knew Emma was seeing a therapist too but it just felt like she was paying the sessions for no result at all. Their relationship had merely improved and Emma was still distant, still resentful for the way Audrey had handled her recovery from covid and maybe a bunch of other things she didn't tell her.

Meanwhile, a certain Mateo Rendon, a physician based in Guatemala, coordinating some kind of "doctors without borders" missions had been contacting her a few times. Fed up to see one more of his emails popping up in her inbox so early in the morning, she decided to reply. She began her e-mail trying to find the best way to decline his offer and make sure he wouldn't approach her again any time soon. She had no intention of sending a team there for a week when the hospital was still trying to fit in its timetable all the surgeries that had been delayed because of covid.

Yet, halfway through her e-mail, rereading Rendon's details of the mission, guilt arose. She could picture the faces of those poor people, begging for help when she had the luxury of living in a country where hospitals were equipped with some state-of-the-art instruments and where she owned a wide condo in a wealthy neighborhood of the city. She was rethinking her decision when Claire walked, unannounced, into her office, holding two cups of coffee.

"What brings you in so early in the morning?" Audrey asked, slightly bothered to be interrupted.

"I just wanted to see how you were doing…" Claire replied, ignoring the annoyance in her boss' voice and handing her one of the cups she was holding. "…and get your opinion on a surgery I don't know how to approach."

"Well, thanks for the coffee. As for the surgery, hand me the file so that I may look at it."

Claire gave Audrey the file and gave her some time to read quickly through the details.

"What seems to be your problem?" Audrey asked a bit puzzled as she couldn't really see where Claire wanted to get to. The patient was a 32-year-old male who had been brought to the ER after a blunt trauma. He presented a duodenal injury, all of which brought Audrey back to the night of the earthquake.

"Shaun and I disagree on how to treat the patient. Shaun wants to go with a trauma Whipple when I think it's too aggressive a plan. According to imaging, I believe a pancreatic duct ligation, a DL, would be a better solution with less risk of complications."

Audrey didn't respond straight away. She took the time to review the imaging, trying to detach herself from the situation, trying to forget she had had Shaun's idea just over a year ago and had not had the guts to bring it to Neil. She tried to chase the image of his face that just kept on popping in her mind until she gave up and froze.

"Are you okay?" Claire asked a bit shyly. "Our patient is stable. I can come back a bit later if you need time…" but she stopped talking when she saw tears rolling along Audrey's cheeks. Claire had no idea Audrey had brought up the trauma Whipple to Glassman on the night of Neil's death. Yet she suspected her chief's tears had something to do with his death. She sat down on one of the armchairs opposite Audrey's desk and put her hand on hers. The gesture slightly startled Audrey who immediately pulled her hand away and wiped away the tears, trying to regain her composure as fast as she could.

"I'm sorry" Audrey apologized. "Rough start of the day" she added, trying to smile.

Claire knew not to insist and didn't try to force Audrey into talking about the issue.

"Go with the DL. The pancreaticojejunostomy is inappropriate in this case" Audrey said, a little bit coldly. She immediately regretted the tone she had used and as a way to make amends, asked Claire who was on her way out her thoughts on Rendon's email.

It didn't come as a surprise when Claire enthusiastically told her she should have accepted. "After the year we had, it will feel good to go there, help people, feel like what we do really matters." She was right. And Audrey definitely needed some time away from the hospital and San Jose; some time in a place that was somehow not impacted by all the recent traumas in her life. She erased her first draft e-mail and replied positively to Rendon. A couple of months later, Audrey and a team of doctors were taking off to Guatemala.

When she met Dr. Rendon in person, Audrey didn't like him. He seemed self-sufficient and she hated the fact that he was only picking people on medical facts without taking into consideration their stories. She also hated his way of translating her ideas, omitting the medical jargon, and telling the patients what she thought was only a half-truth.

The first night at the bar, he pissed her off and when she realized Andrews was flirting with a nurse, she decided to call it a night and left the bar while everyone was still enjoying their evening. She hopped in the cab that was supposed to take her back to her hotel room and, of course, Rendon decided to tag along. He asked her for permission but how could she refuse? She felt like closing herself but finally decided against it and began speaking with him. The ride was almost becoming pleasant but the night took an unexpected turn when the cab driver decided to kidnap both doctors. Audrey was somehow relieved that this annoying man was with her. She could barely speak Spanish and without his help, she wouldn't have been able to deliver the baby and save both the son and the mother.

Later that night, when all the adrenaline from the kidnapping and the rescue began to withdraw, she let some of her barriers fall. She hadn't felt so alive in months. The medication was helping her managing her symptoms but they made her feel like she was empty, emotionless, like a being on autopilot. It was late and the medication was beginning to be less and less effective. She thought "why not?". Maybe she could be allowed to have a little bit of fun, to feel pleasure again. She let him kiss her and invited him to her room where they spent the night together. No feelings involved she thought. No feelings. Just the physical connection and nothing more. It was just a fling.

Yet the next morning, none of them could stop smiling. And Claire noticed it straight away.

"What?" Audrey asked as the resident kept glancing at her.

"You're smiling." She said, smiling too. Then she looked around and noticed Mateo smiling as much as Audrey. "Oh, my God. Oh. Yes! I approve. Highly".

Audrey scoffed but Claire was right. She was smiling. She was beginning to feel again, to feel like her old self. Emma face-timed her that same evening. Her mind locked on Mateo's invitation to spend the night with him again, Audrey could barely hide her smile.

"Mom," Emma noticed too "you're smiling. It's been such a long time."

Audrey rolled her eyes, tried to be serious again, but couldn't and after all, there was no reason she should be looking sad and serious. It had been almost two years since Neil's death, even more since their breakup and she was only starting to get over him.

"Okay. What's his name?"

"What? Young lady, since when is the reason for me to be happy a man in my bed?"

"Since you're wearing his shirt."

Touché.

She had a point and she knew it.

"That's because the airport lost my luggage," Audrey replied, trying to buy herself some time to come up with a better explanation. She wasn't entirely sure talking about last night was the kind of detail she wanted to share with her daughter.

"Bullshit. You have the same smile you used to have when you started dating Neil."

Hearing his name hurt. But Emma was right. She was happy and she was beginning to feel something for Mateo. She didn't want to feel it though. She didn't want to commit. Just be there for the fun and the one-night stands. Nothing more. After losing Neil and some of the people she loved the most, she simply refused to open her heart to love again. She was giving a part of her heart to Emma and the rest she had locked within herself, convinced that the key to overcoming her PTSD was to be able to get her emotions and feelings under control again.

She finally admitted his name was Mateo, gave Emma a few details on who he was, what he did, and why she would never meet him and that seemed to be enough for her daughter. She told her about the kidnapping, delivering a baby with Dr. Rendon, and about the surgeries they would be doing.

"Seriously Mom. You don't have to be afraid." Emma said, bringing back on the table Audrey's relationship.

"I'm not sure I want to get attached. I'm only here for a week."

"Yet, you shouldn't be afraid to feel."

"Where does that wisdom come from?" Audrey asked a bit perplexed.

"My therapist" Emma shyly admitted.

"There's no shame in admitting it baby," Audrey said, sensing Emma had something deeper to talk about, something that maybe had nothing to do with her stay in Guatemala. She felt her daughter was in a particularly good state of mind. She knew Mateo was waiting for her but something told her not to hang up so quickly.

"Is there something else you would like to talk about?" she finally asked.

After a few seconds of silence, Emma nodded, keeping her head bent. Then she lifted it to face the front camera of her computer.

"Mom. I think you were right. I mean whoever psychiatrist you sent to evaluate me when I was in the hospital. I didn't want to admit it. I didn't want to be like you. But I have PTSD too. And… I'm working on it too." She finished her last sentence with a weak smile, hoping her mother would welcome her words positively.

Audrey felt a weight lifting off her shoulders hearing that Emma was finally accepting her diagnosis and even better, working on it. She didn't know how long it had been, but it was such a joy to know it, that her entire body seemed to be smiling now, feeling lighter, as if she could run and spring as high as she pleased. She hung up with Emma, pleased and with a renewed motivation to tackle her own PTSD.