#2

August.

Who knows the capacity of the human heart?

Hers had been torn so many times. It was held together with loose threads, all the time threatening to unravel and break apart or burst. This frightened Olivia Benson. She thought about it on those long nights she spent in bed alone, re-hashing her painful memories of her hurtful mother and the father she never knew. Her heartbeat exploded like a jackhammer sometimes when ambulances would scream by. The explosions of blood and glass on the rain-soaked highway scared her. The unwanted rape...sex claimed as ownership of another person's soul...the act of tearing the skin over and over until the needle gives because the camel can't. She said her Hail Marys and Our Fathers but they didn't do a damn bit of good.

Not one damn bit. It was like the distance between love and death.

It was no small consolation that he felt it, too. Everything he'd ever created was torn violently from him. Rape sometimes isn't a sexual act. And Elliot Stabler was just as lonely as Olivia Benson, only his anger and pride kept him from owning up to it.

In the night, she'd stare out the window, wondering what he was doing, who he was thinking about. The phone was just a foot away but she never called. Instead, she dreamed of her mother screaming from heaven or hell, still full of accusations. It was Elliot who would show up sometimes, beckoning at some distant direction and smiling when she followed.

Olivia wondered if she was in love with him. It was a sensation that was very new to her. It was confusing and wonderful. Sometimes she'd see him and the pit of her stomach would drop out, like on an airplane when it hits turbulence. They weren't talking much lately, because she was scared of him in a sense. Olivia wondered if he'd break her heart, and that's something she couldn't bear to deal with.

Then there was one May morning she remembered. Elliot was eating ramen noodles with a spoon out of a styrofoam cup, his feet propped on the desk. She was buzzing around the office due to too little sleep and too much caffeine. Passing his desk, she felt a hand on her side.

"You're okay, aren't you?"

Olivia blushed a little and tried not to concentrate on the heat from his palm.

"Why would you think I'm not okay?" she asked, looking directly into his eyes.

"For starters, you're running around like the White Rabbit," he said, not moving his hand. She was feeling woozy. "And you're pretty pale."

They were the only people in the precinct. Cragen wasn't even in yet.

"I'm fine. Just having some sleep trouble lately, you know," she smiled, but it felt forced. Elliot put the cup down and stood up.

"Why don't you go home and sleep? It's all paperwork today and nothing I can't handle."

She opened her mouth, but no words came. His other hand rested on her jaw.

"You'd tell me if something was really wrong," he whispered. She shivered noticeably. They had never been this close before. Why now? Why this sudden change?

Elliot sighed a little and let her go. And that was May and this was August and they hadn't breached the subject since then. That's why she knew he was lonely. They went to a baseball game one weekend and barely spoke, except to establish who wanted what on a hot dog. Munch and Casey were there, too, chatting away about statistics and rookies and trades and contracts. They were almost oblivious to the sound of two souls crashing into each other. But on the cab drive home, Munch made a pithy observation.

"They're either going to kill each other or love each other by the end of summer."

Casey repeated it to Olivia. It rang siren bells in her head like a prophecy. Munch should work the county fairs, she thought. Standing at her window that hot August night, she realized summer was slipping through her fingers and so was Elliot Stabler.

So she got dressed and left her apartment, knowing she'd come back a drastically different person. Maybe even a happy person, but that was too much of a pipe dream to hope for now.

Across the city she knocked frantically at his door. He wasn't home. A neighbor cracked a window to complain about the noise but Olivia paid no mind. She slumped on his front steps, listening to the distant ambulances and feeling lonely as she could ever be. She put her face in her hands and tried to think of their closeness in the office. It was just too hot to concentrate.

"Liv?"

He was leaning out a car window, beckoning, as her vision swam back into focus. A light misty rain was falling...liquified humidity. It was like touching the night air.

"Liv, get in."

She ran around to the passenger side and piled in. The car interior was lit by a streetlight. Elliot was in shorts and a t-shirt. Wordlessly putting the car in drive, they pulled away and disappeared into the night air.

"What are you doing driving around?" she asked as he fiddled with the radio.

"Too damn hot to sleep. The car has better AC than my house."

He clicked the radio off.

"What are you doing out in the middle of the night?" he asked.

She shrugged. "Too damn hot to sleep," she said. This drew a grin.

They drive silently as the illuminated dash threw a green glow on their faces. In the ghastly light, Elliot looked drawn and pale.He'd lost a lot of weight worrying about his divorce. Olivia checked her watch and it was exactly midnight. Witching hour. She closed her eyes, just listening to the rythm of the road.

An hour later, they were in Alpine, New Jersey, parked at a scenic cliff overlook. The lights of the city loomed across the river.

"I come out here a lot,' Elliot said, making Olivia jump. She'd been dozing.

"It's pretty," she yawned, leaning back in the seat. "I'll bet the air's a little cooler coming off the water."

But Elliot made no motion to get out. Instead he opened his wallet and pulled out a picture. Olivia recognized his children right away. "That's a nice one. I'm amazed they would sit still to pose like that," she said.

Elliot smiled at her. He stared at the picture for a long time. "I think sometimes I'd go crazy if I didn't have them," he said, putting the picture back in his wallet. "I'm going crazy now. She may as well as just torn my heart out."

"I'm sorry, " Olivia said in a small voice. She looked at her feet for awhile before realizing he was watching her.

"You know, Kathy was always surprised you and I..."

Olivia, not sure of where this was leading, just chuckled lamely and said, "Yeah. That's a laugh." Then she lunged out of the car so fast Elliot felt the rush of air on his face before he realized she'd bolted. The air around them had turned electric and she gave into her fear again.

The breezes were cool off the water. She'd been hot in the car even with the air conditioning on. It really was gorgeous up there, with the lights from an occasional plane sparkling in the sky overhead. Below her, boats full of other people beating the heat sailed by on the Hudson. Th whole scene was so enraptuiring that she didn't hear Elliot walk up behind her. She startled when his hand touched her shoulder.

"Hey," he said.

"What are we doing up here, El?"

She was aware his hands had slipped to her sides again, so she turned to face him. Elliot's face was unreadable. The lights on the horizon reflected in his watery eyes.

"We wouldn't work...is what I told Kathy. Olivia Benson and Elliot Stabler wouldn't work because we're afraid of each other."

Olivia smiled. "I'm not afraid of you."

"You are. And I'm scared of hurting you. I don't ever want to do that and I know I have in the past."

She listened to the wind stirring the tops of the trees. Elliot's hands were now moving up and down her sides, in a gesture she interpreted as supplication.

"It would be very easy for you to break my heart. That's what I'm scared of," she whispered in voice that sounded no different from the insistent breeze. She wrapped her arms around his neck, feeling better now that it was off her chest.

"I couldn't promise that I wouldn't," he said, wrapping his arms completely around her. Their lips touched lightly. They pulled back, each trying to gauge the expression on the other's face. She kissed him and the lights moved from his eyes to hers.

Every ending has a beginning.

It was the end of August, and Munch had been right.

FADE OUT