This is my last chapter.

I hope you enjoyed the fiction. Thank you for reading it through.

Please leave some reviews. Feedback is always a gift :)

Healing

"Is there something you would like to tell me, Emma? We've been seeing each other for a while now, and I have the feeling we're not getting anywhere".

Emma was once again in her psychiatrist's office. She had been able to buy herself some time and had stayed off medication for over 4 months. Yet, despite admitting her issues, she was not improving enough. Her daily conversations with her mother who was away in Guatemala had somehow helped her but she still felt like the weight she felt every day on her shoulders and over her chest was getting heavier and heavier. Her lie was consuming her.

"I know Dr. Wong. I'm sorry for wasting your time…"

"Please, child, you're not wasting anyone's time. But I have to remind you of what our deal was."

"I remember" she replied dryly, still hoping she would be able to buy herself a little bit more time. "If I don't make any progress at all, I'll need medication. Just like my moth…" she stopped midway through the word, feeling nauseous at the idea of being under the control of drugs, of being weak.

"Emma. I know what you're thinking" said Dr. Wong after a moment of silence. Emma was sobbing again.

"But taking medication is not a sign of weakness. And your mother should be someone you're looking up to, not looking down on. You know she's a remarkable woman."

"I know that. Dr. Wong, I don't look down on her."

"Then what is it, Emma? Clearly, there's something the both of you need to deal with. I know you've had a complicated relationship with her, I know you resent her for not being there in the past but try to…"

"… ok, enough!" she took a deep breath before opening up.

"I hate that she's feeling guilty, that she believes I got Covid because of her. I've never been able to tell her the truth when I should have long ago. She had nothing to do with me getting sick.

I was a sophomore in college. I've been recruited at Penn to run in their D1 team. It was such an honor. I didn't want to let anyone down. Including my mother. I haven't fed myself properly since I was in high school, since I believed that the reason why I was able to run fast was because I was skinny. I was afraid of being fat. It terrified me.

I did so well my freshman year and last year was also going so well I didn't see a reason to stop even though I had been diagnosed with REDs. I just thought that as long as I didn't faint on the track, I was good to go. I made my immune system extremely weak, not having a period for 5 years, just eating 600 to 800 calories a day, mainly shakes and pieces of energy bars that I would munch on before a workout.

When the pandemic hit, I felt trapped. I had to go back home. Mom thought it wasn't safe for us to live together. She made sure we had as little physical contact as possible. It felt like hell because the truth is, I've always loved hugging her and feeling her warm skin against mine. Smelling her perfume has been the most soothing thing since my parent's death. I tried to argue with her but she wouldn't listen to reason.

And as soon as my father was settled down in SJ, she had me moving in with him. You have to understand I had been locked up at home, alone, for weeks. One of my old high school teammates was also back in town and we decided to meet for daily runs around the city. It was our secret, our little escape. The day before I moved to my father's, we had our daily run. Jenna said she had been feeling a bit under the weather but never did I fathom the idea that she could, you know… have it.

That night, I kissed my mother goodbye. I kissed her and hugged her despite her insisting on the fact that it wasn't safe for me.

The next day, Jenna was feverish and she got tested and was positive. 5 days later, it was my turn. I did this to myself. My mother was in it for nothing. And worst of all, I could have contaminated her! She's had a serious weakness in her lungs ever since she contracted a respiratory virus from Malaysia.

When I was admitted, I thought I was going to die. And I was convinced it was just fair punishment for endangering my mother the way I did.

I was put on a ventilator, then on ECMO. It lasted for three whole weeks. It was hell. I had hospital delirium. And when I woke up, she was next to me, tired and exhausted but the happiest she had ever felt during the pandemic as I was going to live.

I cannot live with myself ever since I acted so recklessly…"

The words had finally come out of her mouth. It felt like she could breathe again. And for once, she was making progress. At the end of the week, Emma decided to take a flight back home and surprise her mother at the airport. She arrived in San Jose one day before Audrey did and took the time to bake some pretzel treats.

Audrey left Guatemala happy. She felt like a week away from her day-to-day life had changed her in a way she would have never expected. She was also sad to leave Claire behind but she knew the young resident would thrive in Guatemala. She was smart. She'd learn Spanish faster than she could imagine. And she knew they'd see each other again soon. Audrey was finally admitting her emotions, letting them be and embracing them. Yet, as the end of the flight was nearing, her anxiety crept in again. And this time, she wouldn't be able to really talk about it with her friend. At least not the way she had been able to.

Again, she would have to rely on her medication and daily runs to keep her symptoms under control. She already longed for the time when Mateo would be able to visit her as at least she wouldn't be alone, wouldn't have to feel the emptiness of her condo, passing every day in front of Emma's empty room, being reminded of her daughter's battles with every clue she had left behind herself.

Walking past the passenger's gate and towards the baggage claim area, she was surprised to read a huge sign with her name on it. The sign was so big she couldn't see who was standing behind it. She shifted her direction and, caught by curiosity, wanted to see who had had the guts to make a sign so big that every member of her staff would comment about it. As she leaned to see who was hiding behind it, she was stunned to see her daughter, beaming at her, dropping the big sign to the floor as soon as their gaze met. Emma was holding the pretzel treats and handed her the bag before either of them exchanged any word.

"Is it Christmas yet?" Audrey asked when she saw the gallon-size ziplock full of pretzel treats, helping herself to a handful of them.

"No. But do you remember our first Christmas together?

"Of course, I do! How could I not?" Audrey replied, smiling as the memories were coming back to her. Waiting for Audrey's luggage, they talked about the event.

"You were still reeling from your parent's death, wouldn't speak a word of English or eat anything that didn't come from France."

"I was such a horrible child…"

"… you were grieving and traumatized… But you had a very special way of dealing with it!"

"Dad thought having me baking some sugar cookies and decorating them together would make me interested in food again."

"We burned the entire batch!" Audrey laughed.

"And then you showed me how to make pretzel treats. There was very little chance we'd burn them."

"And Gosh you got hooked to these things very quickly!"

"I think I discovered the power of the chocolate-sugar-salt combo and had a taste revelation!"

"You stuffed yourself with almost all the treats you stumbled upon. You were so sick after that. You swore you'd never eat a pretzel treat again. And yet, the following year, here we were, same scenario, same disgust and I don't think you've actually skipped a year of pretzel treats… except for last year of course." Audrey said, remembering what a horrible Christmas they both had, recalling the painful fights, the words exchanged, Emma's refusal to eat certain foods…

"These were good times," Emma said, thoughtful.

"Yes. We had great times."

"I have a surprise for you" Emma said, jumping from one subject to another.

"What is it? "

"I booked two tables at The French Laundry. For next weekend. And this is for your birthday." She said handing her a kraft envelope.

"Really? The French Laundry? How did you…"

"Just open your present! Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to."

"My birthday is only in late Aug…" Audrey replied while opening the envelope from which she pulled two tickets for the Patriots' second Preseason game. "There's no way!" she exclaimed.

"Oh, yes there is. You and I. Patriots against the Giants. I'm more of an Eagle fan so I spared you the Eagles vs Patriots game. Plus, this one is just on your birthday. So, we're both going to go to New York and have the best time of our lives."

"Thank you, Emma!"

It was probably the first present Emma had made her and she had hit home.

Audrey was hungry after her 10-hour flight and they decided to stop for drinks before calling a cab to get home.

They sat in the airport's Starbucks and got iced matcha lattes and a piece of carrot cake and cheesecake to share. The coffee shop was almost empty. Emma felt the usual uneasiness she felt in front of food invading her, though this time, it wasn't just the food that made her feel uneasy. She knew she had to tell her mother what she had struggled to admit to her psychiatrist. It took her a lot of courage to speak but hoping this would help her going forward with her life, she did it.

"There's something you need to know…" she said in a half-toned voice. The happy and cheerful voice was gone as fast as it had come.

Intrigued, Audrey looked at her tenderly and asked "What is it, Honey?" For a split second, she wondered if Emma's presents didn't have something to do with her need to make amends.

"I lied to you."

Audrey knew Emma had fed her with a lot of lies during the past few months. She wasn't sure she understood where Emma wanted to get to. She remained silent and let the words come out of her daughter's mouth.

"If I had covid, it was never because of you working in a hospital." She managed to say without crying.

The rest of the explanation came broken by her sobbing and crying. When Emma was finished, Audrey was crying too, finally relieved of the guilt she had felt for all this time. She wasn't even angry at her daughter. Emma didn't have to beg for forgiveness as the only thing that prevented Audrey from hugging her straight away was the fact that she thought it best to let her daughter finish her explanation before welcoming her in her loving arms. And as soon as she was finished talking, she moved on the bench where they were sitting and embraced Emma tenderly. She held her head tight, kissing her hair, whispering how much she loved her and how much she had missed her.

It felt good. Feeling loved and forgiven for Emma, loved and relieved of her guilt for Audrey. They weren't sure they had ever been able to feel this way with each other. This moment also felt extra special for Emma who was finally truly accepting Audrey as her mother, not as just the godmother who had taken her in.

"I want to start over," Emma stated, pulling herself from Audrey's embrace to face her and see her face. She reached her hand to wipe the tears off her mother's face.

"Then let's start over" she replied, smiling, not trying to make her emotions go away. "But don't eat the whole bag of pretzels!" she couldn't help adding sarcastically.

They both laughed at the joke, knowing there was no way skinny Emma wouldn't throw herself on the bag on the first occasion she would get. It was even a miracle she hadn't already eaten the entire bag by the time she had reached the airport.